managing the living
the wake and funeral lasted 5 day, 3 days for the wake proper. my dad had wanted 3 days (inclusive of the funeral). but to do so would be too rush and not allow everyone to properly mourn his demise and to allow relatives and friends to pay their last respect (considering the day he passed away was considered day 1), we decided to hold a 5-day wake instead.
the news of dad's passing on spread fast and furious. by monday, all relatives (less my mum side - whom my dad had asked not to be told) had been informed. similarly, my colleagues had mass mailed my dad's demise i would say those whom i had worked with over the past 20 odd years had learned of the news by monday evening. the first to arrive for the wake came almost immediately after we seal the coffin. we were not even ready with the peanuts, sweets, etc. and before he left, i had to at least rush out a red string for him. such items are symbolic but to many of us chinese (especially businessmen), it is important.
to me, being buddhist, once the spirit leaves the body, it would be most important to do prayers to help the spirit move on. the body is nothing but a spent shell. it would of cos be most important to dispose of the body in a most respectful way. my dad has wanted a buddhist funeral. a buddhist funeral is rather straight forward and consist of lots of chanting and prayers. but becos of my family's taoist background and practices in ancestor worship, many demands came from my relatives - both in terms of the conduct as well as the form. everything that we did would surely be met with some form of comments or counter-sugggestions from aunties and uncles - comments of what ought to be done/ not done came fast and furious. "aiyah, you should cater dinner for first evening", "you should order stew meat pow", "you should buy huat kueh", "you should this and that...", simply no end. and every single one, i obliged. dutifully. to me, this whole process was not just for my dad. it was also for me and my family, especially my mum. it was also for my dad's siblings.
with regards my dad's siblings, i noted that many of the things asked were very taoist/ ancestor worhsip in origin such as buying and burning of joss papers, paper house, paper cars, maid and house attendant, gold and silver mountains, giving of towels, etc. considering their taoist background, it was to be expected i guess. but well, as i said, doing it would be an important way of allowing them their closure and a way to show them our respect. what mattered most was that they suggested these things out of good intentions and in fulfilling their request, we would also be allowing them peace of mind. to me, the rites for the dead was rather straight-forward, but it was managing the living that needed some strong attention for if not well managed, the downstream impact would be great.
as for my mum, she sat by the coffin thru the day. everyday. dutifully as a wife should, as she mourned her husband's demise. frequently, she would limp her way to my dad's coffin and talked to him. assuring him that everything would be fine and that he should go peacefully. through the whole duration, she sat quietly. and quietly, she wept. i also noted her constant observing of our actions. i was very much aware that our conduct, what we did, and how we behaved would have an important impact on her. if things went well, she would be assured that despite our differences, we (me and my siblings) were able to work as one. also, it would also be an assurance to her that when she passes on, we would be able to manage things well for her. so, i noted and executed each and every one of her suggestions. the fact that she suggested it meant that it is important to her.
this consciousness allowed us to manage my mum and all the relatives. it was good that by the end of the funeral, everyone felt happy. happy that whatever needed to be done to ensure my dad's journey had been well taken care of.
the wake and funeral lasted 5 day, 3 days for the wake proper. my dad had wanted 3 days (inclusive of the funeral). but to do so would be too rush and not allow everyone to properly mourn his demise and to allow relatives and friends to pay their last respect (considering the day he passed away was considered day 1), we decided to hold a 5-day wake instead.
the news of dad's passing on spread fast and furious. by monday, all relatives (less my mum side - whom my dad had asked not to be told) had been informed. similarly, my colleagues had mass mailed my dad's demise i would say those whom i had worked with over the past 20 odd years had learned of the news by monday evening. the first to arrive for the wake came almost immediately after we seal the coffin. we were not even ready with the peanuts, sweets, etc. and before he left, i had to at least rush out a red string for him. such items are symbolic but to many of us chinese (especially businessmen), it is important.
to me, being buddhist, once the spirit leaves the body, it would be most important to do prayers to help the spirit move on. the body is nothing but a spent shell. it would of cos be most important to dispose of the body in a most respectful way. my dad has wanted a buddhist funeral. a buddhist funeral is rather straight forward and consist of lots of chanting and prayers. but becos of my family's taoist background and practices in ancestor worship, many demands came from my relatives - both in terms of the conduct as well as the form. everything that we did would surely be met with some form of comments or counter-sugggestions from aunties and uncles - comments of what ought to be done/ not done came fast and furious. "aiyah, you should cater dinner for first evening", "you should order stew meat pow", "you should buy huat kueh", "you should this and that...", simply no end. and every single one, i obliged. dutifully. to me, this whole process was not just for my dad. it was also for me and my family, especially my mum. it was also for my dad's siblings.
with regards my dad's siblings, i noted that many of the things asked were very taoist/ ancestor worhsip in origin such as buying and burning of joss papers, paper house, paper cars, maid and house attendant, gold and silver mountains, giving of towels, etc. considering their taoist background, it was to be expected i guess. but well, as i said, doing it would be an important way of allowing them their closure and a way to show them our respect. what mattered most was that they suggested these things out of good intentions and in fulfilling their request, we would also be allowing them peace of mind. to me, the rites for the dead was rather straight-forward, but it was managing the living that needed some strong attention for if not well managed, the downstream impact would be great.
as for my mum, she sat by the coffin thru the day. everyday. dutifully as a wife should, as she mourned her husband's demise. frequently, she would limp her way to my dad's coffin and talked to him. assuring him that everything would be fine and that he should go peacefully. through the whole duration, she sat quietly. and quietly, she wept. i also noted her constant observing of our actions. i was very much aware that our conduct, what we did, and how we behaved would have an important impact on her. if things went well, she would be assured that despite our differences, we (me and my siblings) were able to work as one. also, it would also be an assurance to her that when she passes on, we would be able to manage things well for her. so, i noted and executed each and every one of her suggestions. the fact that she suggested it meant that it is important to her.
this consciousness allowed us to manage my mum and all the relatives. it was good that by the end of the funeral, everyone felt happy. happy that whatever needed to be done to ensure my dad's journey had been well taken care of.
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