Grateful 3 & 4 Jun: Anchor

I have often gravitate towards significant events, meaningful encounters, or important lessons in my gratitude journals and have not paid enough attention to the simple things that quietly support my day-to-day life. So, in this post, let me give thanks for: 

• Sunshine. It's been bright and sunny these past 2 days. Rather than complaining about the heat, let me give thanks for the sunshine that brightens my day and allows me to go about my daily routines, whether it is heading to the coffee shop for my kopi-o kosong, doing my exercises around the estate, or simply enjoying a walk outdoors. It is such a simple thing, yet it brings a sense of ease and freedom that I often take for granted.

• Friends. These past 2 days, many people have checked in on me, and this evening, I met my ex-colleague turned friend D for dinner. So let me give thanks for them. These seemingly small gestures keep me connected and remind me that, even though I enjoy solitude, I am not alone. They reassure me that there are people who think of me, care about me, and remain part of my life. 

• Home. My home provides me with a comfortable space to rest, escape from the heat, work, and simply be myself. It is more than just a place to live. Reflecting on the past 3 decades, it has been the backdrop to countless moments shared with my parents, past partners, and my dog. It is also a place where my siblings and their families, relatives, friends, and colleagues have gathered. In many ways, it quietly holds the story of my life. 

So yes, these are things that feature so naturally in my daily life that I rarely stop to notice them. Yet they form the foundation upon which so much else rests. And I am deeply grateful to these people and things that is such an integral part of my life.

Food & I

It has been a long while since I last wrote anything about “xxx and I”, or about my relationship with a particular subject. So today, I thought I would reflect a little on my relationship with food. Most, if not all, of my key interactions with people I know - relatives, friends, exes, colleagues and others - have taken place over meals. Food is an essential part of my life, and I dare say, everyone’s life. Some of my most memorable moments involving food are captured in the snippets below:

• My earliest memory of food was shredded fried batang fish with chopped chye sim, eaten with white rice drenched in water and a bit of soya sauce. My mum often made this for me when I was a child. She would feed me spoonful by spoonful as I ran around the open spaces of our landlord’s house. It was simple fare, reflective of the days when we were poor and life was much simpler. Yet to toddler-me, it tasted heavenly. I would pester my mum to make it as often as she could.

• Growing up poor, we could afford to eat chicken only 2 or 3 times a year - during Chinese New Year, the Celestial God’s Birthday and the Hungry Ghost Festival. There may have been 1 or 2 other occasions, but these were the ones I remember most clearly. Essentially, we ate chicken only when it was offered to the gods during prayers. It was prepared simply - boiled and rubbed with salt. Whole chicken carcasses were offered to the gods, and salt was the most appropriate preparation (for offerings to the deceased, the chicken would be chopped).

• During my younger days, my dad worked at the airport delivering meals to planes or clearing leftover, unconsumed food. Back then, controls were far less strict, and he would sometimes bring trays of untouched chicken thighs/ drumsticks home in the middle of the night. We would get very excited whenever he did. Occasionally, he would also order takeaway hor fun to go with it, much to our delight. Mum would keep the leftovers and steam them for our breakfast the next day.

• As a teenager, I was literally a bottomless pit. At my peak, I could eat 7 bowls of rice, 2 chicken burgers, 6 doughnuts, 1 roti john and a packet of Hokkien noodles at a go. Looking back, I have no idea how I managed it. My mum often cooked extra rice at night because I was perpetually hungry, and I would prepare fried rice for my supper almost every evening - so I had pork fried rice, chye sim fried rice, seafood fried rice, etc. I also bought doughnuts and dim sum frequently during those years. Puberty really is quite something.

• My mum was very strict - and rather unquestioning - about religious practices. She had been brought up to believe that Buddhists should not consume beef. As a result, we were not allowed to eat beef. Eventually, I learnt that Buddhism does not prohibit the consumption of beef. I first tasted beef by accident during my uni days, when I ate a curry puff at a potluck lunch. My mouth went numb afterwards. Over time, I noticed that this happened whenever I ate beef. It took me several months to get used to it, but I enjoy beef now. Steak? Yes - medium rare.

• I celebrate major occasions with food. One memory that stands out is a Mother’s Day dinner in the mid-1990s. I had just started working and wanted to treat my mum to a nice meal. I made a reservation at a Chinese restaurant for the family. We enjoyed the food, but when my mum found out that the dinner cost over $500, she complained that it was expensive, not value for money, and the food was not even nice. She insisted I had wasted my money and that we would have been better off eating at home. That dinner became her annual gripe every Mother’s Day until she passed on - a classic example of cost versus generational mindset.

• I have travelled widely and tried many different cuisines over the years. That said, I often find myself craving rice after some time. Perhaps it is something ingrained in me from young, tied to my southern Chinese heritage. I need rice to feel sustained - it doesn't matter whether its basmati, pearl short-grain or Thai fragrant rice. I recall spending six months in Tampa, Florida, on a work attachment in the early 2000s. After two weeks of sandwiches, bread and pasta, I couldn't take it and I had to cook my own rice-based meals. That was the same for my Asian peers! We simply missed rice too much.

• Apart from rice, there is one other essential: chilli - or more specifically, malay chilli pastes, or sambal. When I trained overseas for extended periods, I will not fail to ask my mum to prepare a bottle of sambal belachan for me, especially when I was heading to Taiwan. It is not that they lack chilli there, but I was brought up in a Peranakan and South-East Asian environment, and I am accustomed to the spices of this region. It has become part of my identity as a Singaporean, or more broadly, as a South-East Asian. I feel completely at home with the cuisines of Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia, Thailand, the Philippines and beyond.

• I enjoy trying all kinds of food and have savoured delicacies from many countries and continents. People often ask me what my favourite cuisine is. To tell you the truth, I do not have a specific favourite. I am not particularly picky, and every place has its own distinctive flavours. I enjoy whatever I eat at wherever I visit. I feel blessed by the rich food experiences I have had. They have allowed me to connect more deeply with people. Food, after all, is an extension of culture.

• That said, there was one particularly repulsive food experience that remains vivid in my memory - fresh snake blood. During my national service days, as part of survival training, we were required to kill and prepare live animals for food. And so, we were given live chickens, iguanas, pythons, rabbits, frogs and turtles, etc. I still recall a python being hung up and dangled from the second floor, we had to severe its head and consume the blood as it flowed. The taste was cold, salty and metallic. It was an experience I will never forget.

• I have a sweet tooth. I enjoy cakes (tiramisu, Black Forest, carrot cake, chocolate mousse, etc) as well as ice cream (rum and raisin, cookies and cream, peanut butter), cookies, macarons, and all kinds of Malay and Peranakan desserts such as chendol, bubur terigu, bubur cha cha, pengat and all sorts of kueh kueh. Desserts have become such a natural part of my meals that I instinctively leave space for them. To me, anything coconut-based is good - and this probably explains my love for curries and many Malay and Peranakan desserts. That said, I am not a big fan of South Asian desserts, which I find overly sweet.

• I once travelled to Israel for work and was struck by the warmth and hospitality of my host. I was hosted to lunch and was served an enormous spread of bread and condiments - hummus, olives, jams and more. Wanting to show my appreciation, I ate a bit of everything. Just as I was completely full and ready to stop, my host cheerfully announced, “Alright, now let’s enjoy the mains.” OMG! I could say the same of Middle Eastern hospitality in places like Abu Dhabi and Dubai - long meals, abundant food, and an emphasis on generosity. I always ended up eating far more than I have space for.

• I once attended a wedding in Hyderabad with colleagues and was assigned a chaperone for the 3-day celebrations. From early morning to late night, we were constantly fed vegetarian food. The chaperone’s job was to ensure we were well fed - and we certainly were. And the amount and spread was humongous! By the end, we were desperate for meat. On the final day, we were taken to a famous Hyderabad dum biryani restaurant, where we were served heaps of fragrant rice and chicken, along with countless side dishes. Many of us swore off vegetarian food for months after that trip.

• The first meal with my first partner was at a zichar place at Simpang Bedok. We ordered a couple of dishes including salted vegetable soup with tofu and seafood. I later learned that he thought the soup tasted like dishwater as he disliked watery soups and preferred thick, gooey, strong flavoured ones such as sharks fin, sweet sour soup, etc. Added to that, he has a preference for western fare such as steaks, pasta, sandwiches, etc.

• My last partner loved good food and always wanted me to bring him to good restaurants. It was not uncommon to hear him say things like, "You never bring me to this place or that place". I always end up being chided for not bringing him to taste whatever food I had eaten before whenever I mentioned about any specific eatery to him. 

• I am not too fussy about food.  I believe that food is for sustenance, i.e. eating to live and not the other way round - living to eat. Also, I cannot really differentiate between good, better or best food. But of cos, I can draw a clear distinction between good and bad food and there remain some things that I will not eat. Then again, taste is subjective - one man’s meat is another man’s poison. Being practical and simple, I value company and convenience over type of food I eat. I will not bother to join long queues for food at any eateries, no matter how good the food is. 

So yeah, above were some of my key reflections/ memories related to food. I totally agree with the saying - the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Afterall, food defines a large part of a person's identity, culture and life experiences. My reflections above is a testament to this.

Letting go

I opened my safe today and found a long forgotten envelope. It looked old, worn, and I cannot recall its content until I opened it. There was a notepad, a stack of photos, cards, and even negatives (films). 

These were items from my early relationships to which I held dear. There were a few cards written to me by James. They captured his thoughts, how contented he felt when I held him in my arms, etc. James was probably his best when he put things in writing. And there were also two by Su How. He was not as expressive as James and his cards were just that - cards with a simple sign off. The cards and the content were reflective of the persons behind them - one reflective, articulate and well-read, while the other, simple and unassuming. 

The photos, negatives and the notebook were from the days when Amos and I dated. Those were the early days before I "settled down". Emotions were highly intense and interactions very physical. The notebook captured very detailed accounts of how we met, our dates, our intimate moments, etc. Those were the days before blogging and I wanted to capture our special moments. People would probably think it was written by porn author if they did not know the context. Heh…

I tore up the items and threw them all away. No one will need these items when I eventually go. Leave these as part of my memory. That is enough. And if they should fade, so be it.

Time to let go. 

2016 - a year of turnarounds

2016 was a superbly crazy year for me. it was a year of contrasting extremes almost on all fronts. i lost my dog of over 15 years sapphie, and my family (my niece and nephew) in mar/apr 2016. the challenges at the workplace did not help too. the m&a the company went through in may 2016 added further to the stresses throughout the year. but on the bright side, with the gradual departures of people close to me, and the reduced jobscope meant i had a lot of time to myself and this provided me the space to travel and to just pamper myself. 2016 thus became a year where i travelled extensively - at least once a month. a back sprain i got in jul 2016 motivated me to kickstart my walking routines and this in turned helped me maintain my general well-being. i end the year on a high, looking forward to a new career in jan 2017. so, yes, lotsa extremes in the year as i capped my 4th decade and turned 50 in dec 2016. and on this note, i shall pen my reflections, starting with key ones that shaped the conditions of my life in the year.

death & losses (sapphie & family)

sapphie passed away 22 march this year. and with her demise, i had lost someone who'd been my constant source of happiness over the past 15-over years, not withstanding the fact that she was a dog. she was my family - and the only one to see me through my change of relationships, my retirement and transition to civilian life, my career changes and the lost of my parents. i started the year wanting to take good care of her and to provide as much to her as i possibly could. i knew she was old and that i had expected her to leave anytime soon. but her demise was unexpected - it happened suddenly when i was overseas. i supposed the signs were there but i didn't see it happening so suddenly. with her passing, things started to take an interesting turn with my brother's family. i had placed sapphie under their care while i went overseas and the handling of her post-life matters didn't go well with them. coupled with the brewing issues with regards the handling of my late-mum's property, my relationship with my brother took a fatal development. i decided to walk out of the toxic relationship in the end. i am no longer in contact with them, and i had thus lost all possibilities to interact with my niece and nephew. with these losses, things that i had wanted to achieve became impossible. such developments impacted me badly and prolonged the stresses i felt since 2015 where i suffered many death amongst people closest to me including that of my mum. nonetheless, their departures left a huge gap in my life and provide a lot of space and capacities for me to grow in other areas. and this, perhaps was the silver lining and a blessing in disguise for me.

work/ professional development

the acquisition of the company i worked in and the merger with a sister company provided another huge source of stress to me for the year. on that fateful day of 19 may, i was told i would be demoted two levels down, and report to someone with lesser experience than me, whilst he would in turn be promoted because he "is a good friend" of the hr hod. to worsen things, i was told to take over my executive's jobscope. this topped the already stressful work environment i was in with my previous boss. suddenly, the need to find a new job took a renewed urgent push. my inability to get a new job despite attending many interviews resulted in me getting depressed. it took me a while to come to terms with these drastic changes. nonetheless, and positively, the reduced jobscope provided me the much needed space to channel my energies onto myself. i started to take things easy, relaxed a little more, and to reinforce and refresh my basic fundamentals at work. by the start of oct 2016, i was sure my target set at the beginning of the year (i.e., to change job in 2016) would not materialise as i had a 3-month notice period. but things took a unexpected turn when i got a call sometime mid-october by a company. things developed very quickly and an offer was made by early nov. i managed to get a one-month waiver from the full 3-month notice period and will end my current employment by today. i am happy i can end this year just the way i wanted. i start with a new company next week. my next job is a hugely challenging one, both in terms of jobscope, as well as the people i have to interact and work with. but i decided to accept it as i really wanted to get out of my current company. also, the new job will provide me with new areas to challenge myself and move out of my comfort zone. so for 2017, i want to learn, and give my best to my new job.

bee

i will write a bit about bee here. frankly, i do not have much positive areas to write for this para. i started the year wanting to do my part to rebuilt what was weakened over the past years. in this regard, i do not think much was achieved. two hands can clap only if both hands are willing and make the efforts to. and i said that because in my opinion, his priorities were in his work and not on me. i was the one with lots of time and energies but for him, he had constantly committed himself to his work. i'm in the retail line, he used to say. and coupled with the added challenges he had with his mum's frequent health issues, our times together were badly affected. apart from the increased dinners together, everything else that couples do together were largely missing. many plans that we had planned together did not materialise. and many of the things that he said he wanted to do with me ended up not being honoured last minute. this included the planned holiday in sep, which was postponed to november, and again to end-december and then cancelled as he couldn't move away from his work. i had time and again told myself that i needed to manage my expectations. there'll always be disappointments when there are expectations, and i had come to the point where i don't even have expectations for his promises - he: i will pick you for breakfast - i: ok, let's see when you wake up, ok, i will just leave at 7.15am if you don't contact me by then, he: ok, i will be ok to leave for a holiday from 26 dec onwards - i: i'll book my air tickets if you still don't give a confirmation by 23 dec. all these seemed very empty and disappointing when i reflected on the "commitment" he made over the radio mid-year "that i want to spend more time with my family and loves ones"... for 2017, i will simply do my part as a partner. as for him, i can only wish for him to do his part and prioritise better between me and his work. but i know wishes are not solutions and the solutions are beyond me.

friends & colleagues

2016 was the year where there were lotsa developments for friends. for a start, i was depressed and i started to close up. i avoided people, and i avoided all my friends. i saw no point interacting and going out with them.  i didn't want to share my life with them. thus, i began to isolate myself from them. people i avoided include my uni friends as well as larry. i am still managing this as i type and i think it will take a while before i open up to them again. nonetheless, i am human and i have a social space to fill. and this space was filled by my office colleagues - colleagues that banded together after the middle of the year when the company undergo the m&a. and under the very trying and hostile conditions, the relationship of many of my colleagues and i blossomed. in fact, we got along so well that many of them address me as "baba" (or "papa" or "daddy" depending on which language you chose) affectionately. this was really a case where the line between colleagues and friends (and perhaps the concept of "family") blurred. i was really touched by their acceptance cos despite our age difference (most of them are in their 20s and a few in their 30s), they included me in their programs and activities and even went to the extend of organising a birthday retreat in hong kong in dec. i am touched by their responses to me. on top of that, i also made quite a few friends via grindr. and against what most people said, it is indeed possible to make good friends there. quite a few have gone from grindr chats to whatsapp/ line chats and shared good life experiences and lessons with me. for 2017, i will continue to expand my social space, and deepen existing friendships.

personal life & health

i was mired in lotsa challenges in the first half of the year but with the demise of sapphie, the breaking up with my brother and his family, demotion and isolation at work, and the many disappointments i had with bee. these challenges took a toll on my health and my personal life. i became depressed, my kidney stones issue caught up with me, i had a suspected heart issue in apr/ may, experienced lotsa respiratory issues especially during first 7-8 months of the year and i sprained my back in jul 2016. the backsprain shook me up a little cos i really didn't want to re-experience what i went through in 2013 where i was immobilised for a good several weeks. i started to do long walks, hike at macritchie reservoir regularly, and also began my routines of waking up at 4.30am just to walk around my area. over time, i started to include walking as part of my travel plans. i did a few mountain climbing trips to hong kong, took long walks in taiwan or simply to just walk (sometimes aimlessly) in shopping areas/ streets, just for the sake of keeping myself mobile and on the move. these activities allowed me to maintain a relatively good state of health, and helped me managed my bad back. as for my depression, i don't think i am out of it, but i am working on it. in 2017, i may not continue my long walks and definitely not able to keep my travel habits (cos i will no longer be in the airline industry) but i will certainly live healthily and maintain my well-being.

relatives

i wanted to put in more efforts to strengthen the ties with my extended family and i think this was one area that i could have done more. but i do not have any regrets here. with the year filled with all the developments at work and challenges, i was happy i was able to at least kept in contact with my existing relatives and visit them once in a while. for 2017, i will continue to maintain the relationship with my relatives.

bloggers/ blogging

at the beginning of the year, i looked at my blog entries and told myself that i will not want to use number of blogs as a target for me to achieve by the end of the year. this was something i did before (such as in 2015). nonetheless, i told myself i will continue to blog although i acknowledge the motivation to do so was really low at times. but i do recognise the positive points of blogging. it allows me to capture my life's experiences and learn from it. it also allows me to connect with my online friends, something that i admit i am not very strong in - socialising with people face-to-face. frankly, the encouragement and connections i had with some of my blogger friends provided me the much needed push when i was down and the occasional reminder that i needed to buck up when i started to wallow. so... yeah, to all of you reading this, thank you very much for everything. i may not know you nor have seen and interacted with you personally, but i do really appreciate the encouragements and support you have provided me over these years. for 2017, i will certainly continue to blog.

miscellaneous

i decide to just include this additional points here to capture the little nuggets of reflections that are significant to me but perhaps not things where i could have any productive principles/ targets that i want to set for in 2017...

• with the passing of sapphie, the contact with james has reduced to no more than perhaps season greetings/ birthday greetings. i think this may dwindle further with sapphie out of the equation now. 

• mum passed away slightly more than a year ago. since her passing, i had continued to visit her niche at least once a month. and i continue to do so. her presence (and at the same time, absence) was still felt. i started dreaming of her after a few months of her passing. dreams of her were especially frequent during the first half of the year. and in all my dreams, she didn't utter a single word. she remained quiet, and often, smiling. and i do noticed a trend that she always appear whenever i am faced with a lot of distress, mainly related to work. her appearance climaxed towards the end of the year where she appeared with a taoist deity, in the face of danger. i can only conclude one thing - that she was, and still is, my greatest source of support in my life. 

• like the above, this would have fitted in as a para on "family" but i decided against having one. i had broken off all contacts with my brother and as of today the only news i receive about my niece or nephew was through my maid. i had continued to pay her her salary and the maid levy through the year. she had informed me of her intentions to leave in dec 16 but later postpone it to jan/ feb 2017. as for my other family members, i remained in contact with my second sis. other than that, my contact with my first sis remain inconsistent and cold. but it didn't bother me.

• this piece would probably fit in in the "health/ personal life" para but it doesn't flow with the current content. i had my first experience with drugs this year. this was in addition to the increased use of poppers. for the drug intake, it was a deliberate decision i took for the experience. i was also depressed, lonely and i desperately wanted an escape. that was it. i do not think i will repeat it again. i didn't like it, but that is not the point. it is not right.

so that was the 2016 for me, a year where there were extremes in many ways, both in terms of loses as well as gains. and within the year, i can clearly divide it into 2 clear halves. all the negatives happened mostly before july. after that, many positive things happened and i am glad to say that things are really looking up as i end the year. and with this, i shall christen 2016 a year of turnarounds. i enter my 5th decade on earth in 2017 and i am sure it will be an exciting year for me.

happy 2017 everyone.

sapphie & the lives she touched

it was interesting how everyone reacted with shocked when i shared with them about sapphie's passing. comments such as omgosh, what??!!!, etc were common. and almost immediately after that, my family, close friends and neighbours began to talk about how they adored her, and their encounters with her, and so on. for that matter, bee's mum cried when she watched the video of sapphie's cremation! it was something kinda unexpected frankly. but to get such reactions reflect how much sapphie managed to touch the lives of the people she interacted with. that was my sapphie. good tempered, and adored by many, if not all. up to her very last day. for that matter, she even made my nephew cry.

above all, she was the only family member that was with me through the thick and thins of my life over the last 15-over years. she was with me during my happy and not-so-happy days with james, as well as the eventual break-up. she was with me when bee and i build our relationship, our ups and downs, and she was there throughout the period when i had to look after my parents, both of whom had passed away. she was there as i served my final years in the military and transited into a corporate person. she had seen me at my best, and my worst. and throughout all these times, she stayed with me. she had her moments when she was disobedient and i would scold (and at times slap her thighs). but she stayed with me, always non-judgemental (then again, she didn't have a choice, did she... heh).

i came home to a empty house after 5 days away. the first thing that caught my eyes was a huge blue urn sitting on my dining table. i took a look at her bones. they looked like chicken wings (frankly) and i was kinda surprised there was so much of it. there was this feeling of intense sadness as i looked at it, and as i noted her dog pellets still found on the floor (she's a messy eater) as well as the huge amount of fur that she shed daily. she's no more alive i reminded myself. i didn't want any of my grieve to control me as i started to throw away her remaining dog food, swept the floor, discarded her medication, and her shampoo etc. oh, as i discarded her shampoo, i noted it was near empty, i had just given her a good shower the day before she died. i took a sniff, and i was reminded of her... i couldn't sleep last night. the house was too quiet. there was no sounds of dog nails hitting the parquet flooring in my bedroom, there was no occasional noise that she'd make whenever she dreams (of dog dreams). 

i will miss her. i already did.

james, and the passing of sapphie

sapphie wouldn't have joined the family had james not wanted a pet. and since a friend's dog had given birth to 8 puppies, we decided to bring one home. and that was how sapphie joined the family. so, technically, sapphie was james' dog. for that matter, when we first registered her name with the vet, she took on james' surname. her records was changed eventually to reflect my surname. after james and i went our ways, he continued to visit her and brought her out regularly, an arrangements not different from divorced couples. the last time he walked her was during my mum's wake, 17 nov 2015, to be exact.

when i got news of sapphie's condition, i texted him immediately. he was concerned and he wanted to be at the vet when i said my sis-in-law planned to bring her for consultation. he knew the vet, he said. but that was not to be. sapphie passed away that night. i was not sure how he reacted when he got the news, but i suspected he felt the loss. i mentioned that i would be cremating the dog. and before i could tell him that i wanted not to collect back the ashes, he asked if i could bring back the ashes and scatter it at the east coast beach where sapphie frequently swam at. i was pleasantly surprised by his suggestion as it reflected his closeness to sapphie. he couldn't attend the cremation as he had lessons and i didn't expect him to. and i made sure i kept him updated throughout the period with pictures and texts. he was, after all, the one who made all these possible. 

the passing of sapphie, in a huge way, also represented the finality of our relationship. then again, we'll always be friends.

old dog

sapphie is getting more and more stubborn these days. she protests little things, refuses to obey commands, and walks away when she sees me hold things like shavers, scissors, nail clippers, etc. it can get rather frustrating. increasingly, and for some unknown reasons, she is also showing some new habits - like going to the toilet to lick the floor, drinking water from the toilet bowl, staring blankly into space, and so on. is that what old dogs do.

i also find myself being tied down to her - need to observe specific routines and rushing home from work to bring her down to pee, cutting short trips or not going out in order to look after her. it seemed like looking after mum all over again. admittedly, at times i do put the blame on james for wanting to have her, and to have to inherit and to look after her by myself. but of cos, i do remind myself that i also need to think about the positive experiences that i had had with sapphie. well, in any case, it wouldn't be long before she passes on anyway. she's 16 this year - too old for a dog.

day 3 - colleagues, friends & more friends...

by day 3, the requirement to set up the place in the mornings and evenings had become routine. 

people continued to stream to the wake from before lunch and lasted till 11-plus pm. and i was kept busy most of the time as most of the guests were my friends and colleagues. james (my ex) dropped by mid-day and together with sapphie, and my nephew we took a short walk around the area towards the temple located next to the funeral parlour. it was the first time i actually spoke with him at length since we parted some 11 years ago. the conversation was cordial and warm. we spoke about his parents, his family, his sister, his nieces, etc and i asked about his partner (of 8 years). i was glad things were well between them. they now co-own and live in a place located in town. it was a short (half hour?) walk, but it was a long overdue one.

i was rather touched by the fact that a friend from shanghai asked his brother (who's living in singapore) to pay a visit to the wake and to pass me some donations (pek kim). it was really thoughtful of him. similarly, i was a little surprised when the parents of my best friend (bs, who's now residing in the states) dropped by. as there were too many people, i couldn't spend enough time talking to each of the visitor and had to move from table to table. frankly, i felt a little bad about it. but i was sure everyone understood.

well, talking about people visiting the wake, i do want to add here that we did not inform any of our relatives about mum's passing. i decided not to tell anyone about it in the interest of family harmony. i was acutely aware of the less-than-positive dynamics between different members of my family and the larger extended family (eg that my brother was not happy with many of my relatives) and i didn't want to create any opportunity for anyone to get angry or to make a din during the wake. it would be disastrous to have strained family ties after the wake/ funeral. and this, i felt, was in line with what mum wanted as she maintained that family harmony must come first. it was precisely because of this that i refused to give in to my second sis's request to inform one particular cousin. i was unhappy that she brought this up, knowing jolly well of the family dynamics, but i held my position. she was pretty unhappy with me for that and argued that this particular cousin had frequently visited mum and we should think about him. while i understood where she was coming from, i placed family harmony on a higher priority. i maintained my stand. you can have your say, but i will make the final decision. and my decision is based on mum's wishes. i have spend enough time with mum to know her wishes and i will decide. if there are any consequences, i'll answer for it. period. 

the third day ended close to midnight for me... i was exhausted by the end of the day. my brother and his family decided to stay overnight at the funeral parlour for that night (and the next). similarly, my maid chose to stay over too given that she couldn't sleep at home as she would be reminded of mum throughout the night.

and so, that night was the first night in many years where i was alone at home.

it felt weird. but i reminded myself that i have to get use to it.

聽海 (ting hai)

this was the gay anthem in the late-1990s/ early-2000s. i heard it being played when i visited my chiro this evening and it reminded me of the gay clubs i frequent back then. i vividly recall how everyone sang along when this song played in taboo (the old location). all the heartaches, clubbing, dancing, crushes and of course - self-discovery. the singer of this song was a-mei - the taiwanese answer to america's madonna. lots of her songs eventually became gay anthems and i suspect they still are.

here's the lyrics (translated in english too)

聽海

写信告诉我今天海是什么颜色
夜夜陪著你的海心情又如何
灰色是不想说蓝色是忧郁
而漂泊的你狂浪的心停在哪里

写信告诉我今夜你想要梦什么
梦里外的我是否都让你无从选择
我揪著一颗心整夜都闭不了眼睛
为何你明明动了情却不敢靠近

听海哭的声音叹惜著谁又被伤了心
却还不清醒一定不是我至少我很冷静
可是泪水就连泪水也都不相信

听海哭的声音这片海未免也太多情
悲泣到天明写封信给我就当最后约定
说你在离开我的时候是怎样的心情

listening to the sea

write me a letter to tell me what is the color the sea is today,
the sea that keeps you company every night, what is her mood?
when she's gray she's keeps mum, when she's blue she's melancholy
and you whose heart is similarly drifting, where will you stop?

write me a letter to tell me what would you like to dream of tonight
can you not choose between the me in your dreams and the me in real life?
my heart is in suspense, i stay awake all night
why, after having fallen in love, do you insist on keeping your distance?

chorus
listen to the sound of the sea crying
sighing because someone is heartbroken, and yet doesn't realize it
that person cannot be me, at least i am still calm
but my tears, even my own tears, they don't believe that

listen to the sound of the sea crying
the sea is too emotional, she weeps all the way until sunrise
write me a letter, and let it be our last covenant
tell me how you felt at the moment you left me

repeat from second paragraph

sore & confused

i am still feeling very sore about bee leaving for bkk. i may not be christian and i do not celebrate christmas, but still, i do wish to be able to spend christmas with my family. and i have considered him as my family.

i have once again asked if i should just end this relationship. he has time and again, repeatedly tell me of his visits last minute. and all the time, he said it was for work. and all the time, it coincided with public holidays. and this time round, it happened again. and he had anticipated my hostile reaction. 

but this time round, it was to pray. and to relax. not work. he has a choice, he admitted. but he chose to go. this despite knowing i had to undergo gastroscopy (before i found out it was a consultation). 10 years ago, i experienced a similar incident with james. he chose his work over my health. he refused to accompany me for my brain scan. that incident shook me really hard.

looks like history has some what repeated itself. 

i am confused. 

something missing

it was kinda weird. 

for the first time after so many years, i have a birthday where none of my closer friends wished me happy birthday. well, it is not that i had expected them to do so. but it had been something that has become a norm of sorts. but yesterday, no one did... for that matter, even james also did not do so.

hmmm...

i am what i am

this song reminded me of the days back in the late-90s/ early-2000s when i partied at venom with james and his friends on sunday nights. it was a hugely popular song amongst the gay community and belted out by the resident drag queens there frequently. and it was popular not just becos of the lyrics, but also becos gloria gaynor (the original singer) had such a husky transexual-sounding voice. and whenever the song comes on, everyone will break into this frenzied screams and on-the-spot jumps. yup, venom was so crowded we couldn't really dance but just jump like people in a trance... 

so listening to it again, i can almost picture the drag queens lip syncing to this song, complete with trembling lips.

haha!

origins mask

i used to use this particular mask from origins 10 years or more ago. or rather, there were 2 different types - one that is kaolin mud-based called "out of trouble", and another that is charcoal-based called "clear improvement". 

both were something james introduced me to. and he liked them becos they gave him the nice soothing feeling when applied on the face. most importantly, "out of trouble" really helped the face recovers really good and one can immediate see it glow the next day. i threw away the last tubes sometime after we broke off. after all, both tubes of mask had hardened and could not be used anymore.

i have forgotten about them until lately when my face began to feel extra extra oily and somewhat raw. i needed to sooth the skin and help it recover fast. and i was reminded of the kaolin-based mask. as i said, i forgot about the brand and the specific name of the mask except that the brand has a picture of a tree and that i could get it from town. it took me a while to recall it - origins. heh... and before i went for my interview, i got myself a tube. and wohhh, it used to cost s$20-plus per tube. and now a decade later, a tube cost me s$50. and even then the size of the tube is smaller!

hmmm...

"james kissed me"

seemed like my sleep these nights are all filled with interesting dreams. and last night was no different. i dreamt about james, my ex. we broke up almost 10 years ago. and these days, we hardly contact each other except for occasional smses where he would ask if he could bring our dog out for the day. this occurs no more than 5 times a year - chinese new year, christmas, school semester breaks (twice a year) and the end of the year school holidays. and somehow last night, for some reasons, i dreamt of him.

in the dream, he was hanging on to something. i cannot recall the scene other than the fact that he was holding on to something. and rather precariously too, i must add. so i reached out to help him and he responded. i grab his hand and as he pulled himself towards me, i could feel the tensions (of anticipation). for some reasons, it felt very good to know that he responded to me, considering he had been keeping this very cold distant space between us. our face got closer and eventually, we kissed. the dream ended there.

hmmm...

again, closures

well, i reflected a little about closures in my earlier posts... but i have to quickly add here that closures are easy if you are closing it. but sometimes you need the other party to do the closure for you. these things cannot be forced upon, you just have to accept that perhaps people do not see things the way you do. and you have to simply learn to let go and move on.

just like how i had futilely expected james to apologise to me. for all his neglect. for taking me for granted. for emotionally abusing me throughout the years. but i guess he didn't see things this way. instead, he might just felt i did the same to him. i remembered him telling one of my friends years after we broke up that he was simply living his age. and to me, this remark seemed a tat cold and in-human.

then again, i have learned to move on. this is a closure that i can never get and have learned to let go. and in letting go, i have indirectly closed the issue.

about the ex...

just a quick random post. there are some behaviors towards exes that i think is quite common amongst many. and this include…

• cyber-stalking (be it twitter, facebook, or whatever) of the ex for a certain duration to see how he is getting along. and this stalking can continue for quite a long while…

• for reasons unknown there tend to be this silent distant that we tend to keep. it's like a certain invisible space that we refuse to breach. and this translates to not adding him in facebook, not adding him in any of the social media platform that you use…

• once a while, checking out the whether he is online or not (e.g. in facebook, in whatsapp, etc) and wondering what he is doing, and doing with who…

well… the list goes on. do i do all these? do i think of james? well, yes i do admittedly. do i still do all these after almost 9 years of breaking up? not all, some. but the frequency is really low. do i think of him? yes, but more of a curious-how-is-he-doing angle. i will be lying if i say i don't. after all, we were together for close to 7 years. 

and of cos, some people may ask - do you ever consider getting back to him? answer is no. the him now is probably a different person from the him when we broke up. an ex is an ex is an ex. what's past is passed. he now exist in a corner of the heart. nice and warm corner. and that is about it. and in many ways, he is like a distant relative to me now. nothing more. 

(i am sure some people will ask - why are you writing this now? are you being fair to bee?… well, bee and i have been together almost 9 years. we talk about such things openly. and we are very comfortable about it. there is no point hiding such things. right?)

and as i mentioned at the start of this post, it is a quick random post.

just thought i'd capture it in my blog. 

金雞sss

went to watch 金雞sss (golden chicken sss) earlier with bee.

it's a comedy released in time for the 2014 lunar new year celebrations and a loose sequel from another show (金雞) that was screened some 10 yrs or more back. had watched the first show with (my ex) james at that time and thought it was very funny. this time round, the show didn't impress me as much, especially the story and the pace of the movie. while it was promoted as a comedy, there were too many serious bits inserted throughout the show, especially after the middle. and the pace somehow turn a little too draggy for me when that happened. and it didn't help that the version we watched was a mandarin-dubbed over version. the show ended up having bits in cantonese and bits in mandarin. and such dubbing usually rob the show off some additional jokes that could only be brought across in the cantonese language.

but of cos, i was rather impressed with the cast, considering the fact that almost every big names and the who's who in the hong kong scene appearing (although everyone had aged significantly). and if you intend to watch it, continue to watch the running credits for there was a surprise appearance by another big name.

:-)

birthday month

there's so many birthday these 2 months! let's see… 

my chiro (1/11), bee (2/11), guan (9/11), my brother-in-law (11/11), victor (12/11), james (my ex) (16/11), jason (& 2 other friends) (19/11), ps (26/11), my mum (2/12), my niece (5/12), another niece (11/12), then my nephew (12/12), brendan (15/12), willie (16/12), myself, my aunt and my cousin's son (17/12), hsien wen (18/12), hanis (18/12), lp (27/12), and today germs (28/12)! not to mention at least three other colleagues too! and yes, of cos, christmas (which incidentally is another birthday) heh… 

crazy period of almost non-stop wishing people happy birthday, eating and celebrating. and tomorrow, my uni friends and i will be heading out to celebrate the nov/ dec babies… including mine! and hey germs, we will eat with you in mind ya?!

:-)

weird dream 2

this dream occurred this morning.

i was walking aimlessly out of my estate (again, as in all dreams, it felt like my estate but physically it looked different) towards the main road. and then somehow (like a bridging scene between two different sets in a movie), i found myself on a crowded walkway that appeared out of nowhere. people beside me told me this walkway was a short cut to the bus stop and before i knew it, i was at the bus stop.

it was weird but at that time, it seemed like i was making my way to school, tanjong katong technical school, to be specific (in real life, i was never in tk tech). i was waiting for my bus when i noticed james (my ex) standing close by. he didn't see me and he was chatting with a young boy. he spotted a tiny goatee and he dressed young. the boy must be his student, i thought. as i waited for the bus, i took frequent glances at them and hoped to be able to see which bus james would board. just then a bus came and everybody rushed to it, and as i was standing close to the bus entrance, i invariably found myself caught in the crowd. and when the bus moved off, james was no longer where he stood. i looked around and saw him seated at the back of the bus that had just left. and he turned his head an looked at me.

another bus came and i boarded. it didn't matter what the bus number was although i realized at that very point that i didn't know which bus goes to tk tech. and for some reasons, i was holding a school certificate. i walked to the rear of the bus after boarding and i walked pass an indian family. now this family comprised the mother, a prosperous sized woman who wore a traditional indian sari, her son (who was sitting beside me) and the father (whose presence was felt, but i didn't notice how he looked like). anyway, as i passed the indian lady, she looked at me. she saw my certificate in my hand and told her son how good the results were. she said it could be a masters degree and that her son should strive for it too. quickly i corrected her and said it was only an a-level certificate and not a masters degree...

and then i woke up.

another anti-climax dream.

mask

no better way than to end this horribly long break with an sk-ii mask. in fact, this box of mask was given to me by james (my ex) last year for my birthday. and i have not used it yet. or rather, the first person to take a piece to use it was bee. otherwise, all other pieces were still intact and unused...

until tonight! 

haha!

:-)

ps: taking a photo using my macbook air and leveraging on the light from my computer screen does indeed make me look a little scary. haha! i think the long break is making me a little cranky!