the world's end

this is the kinda show where you walk in wondering why you got the tickets and walked out wondering "what-the-fish" you have just watched. haha... but yeah, it was the kinda show where you chuckle a bit here and there and at the same time go "what-the...", "what-the...", "what-the..." as the movie unfolds.

it was entertaining nonetheless.

:-)

ps: and for the records, bee bought the tickets! haha!

about time...

this is probably the first time i am blogging about a movie even before i watch it. but, hey, it looks good. and to top it off, the song "of monsters and men" is featured! i look forward to watching this movie!

:-)

ps: then again, i don't really like the idea of having thoughts over "if i were to live my life again", haha... strong believer in moving ahead, learn from the past but don't regret it.

plane crash!

i had another weird dream last night. it could possibly be related to my touching up of some aviation safety slides before i sleep where i had to deal with lots of pictures related to air crashes and dead bodies. but i am sure there are more to the dream that just the air crashes. here's the dream...

i was at a futuristic looking place where buildings were silver and everything was bright. in front of me, there was a huge lake. similar to the whole scene, the lake was silver and bright. i could almost see the reflections of the buildings on the surface of the silver lake. and then i saw an airplane above me. it was flying upside down. it flew close to me but the whole scene was quiet and peaceful. and as it flew overhead, i noted that is was in fact towed by another. funny thing was that there were lots of people hanging to their dear lives from the tow cable, not dissimilar to what was shown in this clip that i blogged (@1:34) sometime back. moments passed and the dream seemed to come to a stand still. 

the next thing i knew, i see parts of the tow plane breaking off in mid-air. and then it smashed right into the lake and there was a huge ball of fire. the upside down plane also fell from the sky and it hit the silvery buildings across the lake. by this time, there was lots of water being throw off the lake and it felt like it was raining, except that the water drops were really fine. i noted i was standing beside a bright red car. and the windows and windscreen of the car cracked, an effect of the wave of the explosion. with all the water mist gushing towards me, i could only squat down and use the red car to protect me. and before i knew it, the car split apart and the cracked windows and door folded towards and over me. it was funny, as it folded over me, my brother (who was slim and in his younger self) appeared beside me. and i pulled him down as the car folded over, protecting us.

by this time, the scene looked rather chaotic. there were lots of dust/ smoke, buildings were falling and people covered with ash were running towards me. it reminded me of the twin tower when it collapsed on the fateful day of 911.

and i woke up. 

rude prc food seller

i decided to head for a facial after collecting the medication at the mental institute yesterday. and as i had some time when i arrived at the shopping center (where the facial place is located), i decided to take my lunch first.

after checking out a few outlets, i decided on a small shop that sells chinese mix vegetable rice. it was manned by a lady and the dishes were all neatly arranged and brightly lit. perhaps it was still early, but the dishes on display were largely meat-based and there were only a couple of vegetable dishes. there was a short queue and in front of the queue was a gentleman ordering his food. this gentleman wanted a vegetable-rich lunch and asked if there were more vegetable dishes... next thing i knew, the lady screamed at the top of her voice you are the one who's patronizing my stall, what i display, you eat! just choose what you have here and don't ask so much! her voice thundered as she breathed down the man. and quickly, the man chose another meat dish. no further questions asked.

her hostility and tone shocked me. from her accent, it was clear she was a prc. i shook my head and walked off straightaway. i will not give my business to anyone who behaves in such a manner. i strongly believe that regardless of our status, position, nationality, etc, and in this case, buyer or seller, we need to be respectful. there is totally no need to behave in such a hostile manner!  sighs... there is already a bad enough reputation for prcs here, and this single one person had just reinforced the stereotype and perception that prcs are rude, loud, uncouth and not friendly.

not nice!

not me!

i wrote about my experience with an elderly gentleman this morning and how he quickly he responded to the nurse that he was not a patient but merely collecting the medicine for someone else. and i thought, wow, i would have done the same. in fact, there were a couple of times where i would try to dissociate myself with the patients in the mental institute. and i reflected on this. why do we behave like that? and i realized that i, just like this elderly gentleman, still display a typical behaviour of someone who stigmatize mental patients. 

this is not good. 

uncomfortable

every time i visit the mental institute outpatient clinic, i would feel somewhat uncomfortable. i know it probably does not sound too nice to say so, but yeah, i felt uncomfortable. and this is because there are outpatients who behave in a rather rowdy manner, people who shout without any reasons, people who walk up to me to ask for money, who laughs, etc...

on one hand, i feel sad for them. they are human beings and they must have gone through some terrible experiences to suffer such mental conditions. it must have been really traumatic for them. yet on the other hand, i have a slight fear for my own safety. what if they assault me, i thought. these people could possibly turn aggressive if they get aggravated, and it is not easy to know what could trigger an aggressive response. and with such thoughts, i felt a little unsettled.

well, one can probably say such reactions are natural and that my fears are not unfounded. yet, on the other hand, i felt bad for that fact that my fears are also a reflection that i have not been able to open my heart sufficiently to them, and worst of all, this fear prevented me from reaching out to them.

i need to reflect on this and cultivate myself more.

seeing things in perspective

many a times, my conversations with people make me realize how we (and i mean "i") have been so self-absorbed that we do not really appreciate the fact that there are also many people out there who are also facing lots of life's challenges, challenges that we didn't know can exist. and such stories humbles us and we learn to see things in better perspectives. such stories help us appreciate what we have and (awkwardly) makes us feel better... here's my experience today.

i was at the mental institute this morning. there were quite a few people waiting too. and as we waited, a nurse came around and asked if we were waiting for the doctor and asked if we wanted some drinks. an elderly gentleman who was seated beside me replied no, but quickly added that he was not seeing the doctor but was merely collecting some medication. when i heard his response, i thought oh me too! and i smiled to myself. next thing i know, the gentleman turned to me and started talking. he mused about how the services at the mental institute had improved and become a lot more patient/ customer-centric over the years... i smiled and soon enough, we were sharing about our respective reasons why we were there. i am collecting medication for my mother, i volunteered. and he probed further about my mum's condition etc. after some sharing he faced me and simply told me to just live my life well. and almost apologetically, he said that for me, at least my challenges would end within few years. as for him... this was where i didn't know how to respond to him. you see, after some time, he was comfortable enough to share with me about who he was collecting the medication for. my son, he said. he had refused to come and thus, i have been collecting the medication for him. it has been this arrangement already for some time. what is your son suffering from, if i may ask. he looked at me, resigned. ocd. he is my only son and he is 37 years old now. as he shared his story, i felt sad.

his son had ocd since... and he lifted his palm to about his knee-level, suggesting to me an age that was no more than 2-3 years old, and he shook his head. and by the time he was in secondary school, his condition had reached a point where he would get aggressive, so much so that he would assault his mother. in time to come, i managed to control the aggression, but not the ocd. it has been more than 20 over years and his son is now 37 years old. he is unemployed, i mean, how can he possibly be employed right? he asked, and he continued... and he stays in the house whole day. a typical routine for him would be - wake up in the morning, takes an hour or so to brush his teeth, walks around the house and does his rituals, head out to buy lunch, comes home to eat his lunch, and then spend over 2 hours bathing, washing and scrubbing himself. a typical family's water bill is probably 100-plus, but mine is over 300 bucks a month... sighs... anyway, i would return home in the evening, buy dinner for him, after which he would continue to wonder around the house again until it is time for bed.  the elderly man looked resigned and sad as he shared. i am now healthy. but in time to come when my wife and i go, i think i will have no choice but to send him to the mental institute to be locked up...

such conversations can make a person feel very sad. but for this elderly gentleman, much as he lamented, it came across to me that he had accepted it. i asked if he knew the cause of his son's ocd and shared that my niece has the same issues and had displayed similar behavior as his son. i asked if it could be stress and that made the elderly man sit up and for a moment, sounded defensive. what stress? he is not even working, and when he was young, he had everything he wanted, cannot be stress! he insisted (i sensed denial) and as though he suddenly realized he sounded rather hostile, he quietened down again and simply said, it must be my genes... well... you kinda know how this conversation went. there was quite a bit of consoling here and there, and there was also a few moments of quiet as we both took our breaks reflecting what we both shared.

soon enough, it was my turn to see the doctor. i wished the elderly gentleman well, and we parted.

what a day!

i went to collect mum's medication at the mental institute today.

and instead of taking half a day's leave, i decided to take the whole day off. thought it would be useful to get a good day's break, especially after 2 stressful days co-ordinating and conducting a program at work. and so i had it all planned. i shall head out of the house for breakfast, collect the medication, have a tan at the pool, or something like that, and if the sun is right, i could probably spend the whole day at the pool. heh... that is a plan alright. by the way, tanning has always been something i look forward to whenever i have time cos to me, that is the only way where i can be alone and just blank off. that has been my way of relaxing for the last 2 decades or more. yup, that would be my plan.

the morning came. and i headed out to the mental institute after sending mum to the rehab center. had my breakfast there and then... the sky turned dark! aiyoh! there goes my plan! by the time i left the mental institute, the sky was really pouring... but yeah... that did not stop me. i headed out for my facial instead. hah... and i went shopping too... and did everything i wanted. if i had the chance to tan, it would have been perfect, but nonetheless, i had a good restful day. 

:-)

a hug

i slogged through the whole of tue and wed conducting and co-ordinating a program. and although this was not the first time i conducted this program, it was no less stressful as i had implemented a lot of new things. these includes measures to tighten time management, a formal program introduction, measures to help presenters know program participants, etc etc etc... 

and added to all these new initiatives, my chief is a participant of the program this time round. so, it was kinda an added pressure to make sure she finds it ok, considering she did not have a good impression of her orientation when she came in 3 weeks ago (and as a result, didn't quite have a good impression of how the ops people conducted the orientation).  and top of it all, my ceo wanted certain things to be done that involves calling managers from across the company... so... yeah, lots of pressure and lots of running around. thankfully, my staff and i worked very well and the two days came and went smoothly. everything went almost like clockwork. 

when the whole program ended last evening, my chief came up to me, thanked me and held out her hand. naturally, i held out my hand too in response to the handshake. but what caught me off guard was her coming further forward to give me a hug. well done and great job! she said. heh... surprised, but certainly very appreciated and a good encouragement!

:-)

new week

it's a new week. and without realizing it, almost 3/4 of 2013 had passed.

will be busy this week running one of the program my section has been managing since i launched it 3 months back. also, will be having a series of meeting to trash out the company training demands for next year... and to finish developing a new program. let's see how much i can do.

realized things i had been rather distracted with a lot of small stuff here and there, and this is at the expense of the bigger developments i am supposed to do. must be more disciplined, else it would be quite impossible to roll out the stuffs i am supposed to roll out by next month!

gonna be a tough week. then again, will see if i can take a days' leave thursday to collect mum's medication from the mental institute.

foul mood

i have been in freaking foul mood these couple of days. 

• bee had some last minute business to attend to in bangkok, and left hurriedly on wednesday evening. he'll come back on friday night, he said. and i told myself i could at least meet him on saturday for a show, just like what we usually do. and then on thursday, i got sms telling me he'd be back saturday. and then on saturday, was told it would be sunday morning, and on sunday, no news for the whole morning until i tried calling and he text back telling me his flight got delayed. he only got back late afternoon. and through the whole period while he was away, it was almost total radio silent. hardly any sms. not even the routine morning or evening greetings. didn't like it. especially not after the last trip when similar happened. 

• mum was a little off here and there through the weekend. not too happy about it especially when it took me quite a bit of effort to normalize her. and since bee was not around, i spend all available time with her last few days. wednesday evening, i brought her for a brisk walk at bedok reservoir and last evening, it was a second round of brisk walk at the east coast park. by the time we ended, it was almost 9.30pm. came home changed up and brought her to the airport to walk around till 11.45pm. had wanted to initially head off for a midnight show alone but mum said she wanted to follow, and that made me change plans to take a walk at the airport instead. her late night resulted in her going mentally off again today. and she gave me evil looks this morning on top of the abrasive tones in her sentences. and together with the lack of news from bee, i was in total foul mood. thankfully, i didn't flare up or things would have gone bad.

• brought my laptop home to work, had tons to do. in the end, i didn't even do anything. all the housework, laundry, bathing the dog, mopping the house (that can never be cleaned as there is an on-going construction opposite), washing the bed linen, washing the toilets, the floor rugs, cooking the meals... and amidst all these chores, i had my mum meddling by re-hanging the wet clothes out onto the balcony railing! to catch the sun, she said! and in doing so, getting breathless and started wheezing. wtf! whatever... i was simply foul mood throughout the weekend!

and it didn't help that i had constant weird dreams during the nights... so...

for now, i just want to sleep.

weird dreams

i have been having rather weird dreams lately. i realized that i have such dreams when i am stressed and when i don't feel settled, regardless of context, be it emotional, work, etc. here're 2 dreams that i remembered clearly... the first occurred on thursday night, and the second, this morning. here's the first dream on thursday night. 

• i fell asleep, and i dreamed that i had insomnia. yup, weird, but i felt so stressed up in my sleep becos i couldn't sleep in my dream (remember the show inception?). well, in my dream, i tossed and turned, and my sleep was so light that i went in and out of my sleep (in my dream) through the night. and next thing i knew, the sky had brightened and i jumped out of bed. the room was intensely lit as i walked to the window. at the window, i saw a pink sky, and i looked at the horizon and saw a huge pink sun. it was then that i woke up (the real one), my room was dark, and i automatically reached out to my iphone by me side and took a look at the clock. it was only 3am. i tossed and turned again, fell asleep and within (what felt like a few seconds), it was 6.30am. time to wake up...

and last night/ early this morning, i had a dream that had several different scenes within that dream.

• scene 1 - in the first scene, the context was a little vague. i think i was a teacher or facilitator of sorts (i seemed to be in the role i held before i left the military). amongst my peers and i, we were discussing whether we should wear our uniform or to don the pt kit. it was rather stressful cos there was no directions and we were left on our own (the stress was that a very important official event was about to begin and we were left alone). and as we discussed, the context of the scene changed. 

• scene 2 - there was an election going on amongst the student cohort at the student's hall next to where my colleagues and i were. there were a few names on the blackboard. the students were electing a leader (of the student council, i think). and 5-6 names were reflected on the blackboard, and my name was one of them (i had become a student!). my name was on the right-most corner of the blackboard. there was quite a bit of arguments over who should be elected and the student body couldn't agree on who the leader should be. eventually, they decided to put the names to a vote. after a few rounds of knock out voting, 2-3 names remain, my name was still there. and i was the hot favorite. i felt stressed by this cos i was not confident of the role. and added to that was the remnants of scene 1 - we were still wondering what to wear.

• scene 3 - the scene now changed to that where i was a hawker (hahaha!). and my peers were now owners of the different hawker stalls at an eatery. and they unanimously wanted me to be elected (from previous scene), to lead them. again, i felt very stressed cos i was not confident of assuming the leadership. and the stress from scene 1 and 2 was still there. 

• scene 4 - the scene changed again, the student's hall (where the election was held) has turned into a concert hall and there was a fashion show/ beauty contest going on. there was a muslim lady performing. she was wearing the muslim headgear (the tudung), but she was in a very skimpy shiny blue swimming costume... i felt very uncomfortable seeing her dressed like this. this is totally not in sync with what i had understood of the islamic faith... 

• the dream ended here.

am not one to believe in dreams, but from the patterns, i can only conclude that subconsciously, i feel very alone and that i have no support from anyone around me. and i am stressed by things that are happening around me. but in real life, is this really the case?

hmmm...

she's ok...

left the lights on for the night and when i woke up, there was no questions asked. everything seemed pretty normal and for a while, i had the impression that she's forgotten about things. until...

i spend the whole day with mum, brought her out for breakfast, did all the housework in front of her through the day, brought her to my brother's place to play with the kids, etc. and we came home early evening for dinner. and after dinner, instead of the evening routine of walking around at the shopping center, i decided to do an 6km brisk walk at the beach. and i brought the dog along. i chatted with her as i walked, pushing the wheelchair and with a hand holding the dog's leash. soon enough, she said last night, you did not switch off the lights. yup, she remembered! and for a person who tends to forget things easily, it must have meant a lot for her to remember this and to mention it to me. she added that she woke up, saw the lights still on, and thought i had not returned. after sometime, she decided to wake up to do a check... it was then that she realized the dog was not in the living room, and that i was asleep.

i played along and simply said i had perhaps forgotten. then i added that it was probably a good idea to keep the lights on through the night as it would help her see better when she walk around. she kept quiet when i said that. well... i supposed this was a good start. i shall try to do this a few more times and perhaps make it a deliberate decision to eventually leave a light switched on, in the interest of safety.

:-)

experiment

mum has gradually normalize over the week after i adjusted her meds. but i can still see some signs of anxiety in the evenings. between dinner to about 10pm, she would repeatedly ask if i would be leaving the house to exercise. and when i leave, she would remind me again and again to leave a light on, to lock all doors and windows, etc.

the next day, when i see her, she would start the conversation by stating that once again, you had gone out till very late (cos she noted the lights were still on when she wake up middle of the night) and so on...  and when i said no, and instead asked her the reasons for such repeated statements, she would get defensive and instead said she was simply asking with "no other intentions or meanings" or that "she's not asking who i had gone out with", etc.

and the story repeats daily, regardless of how long or how short my exercise duration was, she would say the same thing and get defensive. you know, the thing is, by saying all those things about "no other intentions", etc, she actually said a lot more than she knew. to me, it reflected a deep sense of suspicion in her about me leaving the house. and i attribute this to her paranoia.

so tonight, i have decided to do an experiment. i shall leave the light switched on even after i retire to my room. let her wake up, find the living room light still on, and me sleeping. i am not sure how she would react but i am hoping that she would no longer associate the light being switched on as me not home (and hence staying out late). and i think i shall repeat this till she gets used to it. 

let's see what happens tomorrow...

good night!

unclefication

here's what i wrote in my fb status update:

"unclefying and discovering, still learning.

life is great!"

to me, the word "unclefying" translates to "a process of becoming an uncle" aka aging. and despite the realities of spare parts falling apart, it can be (and to me, is) a very enriching and empowering process. but i am sure not many will agree. ha!

perspective, perspective, perspective.

ps: when i typed the word "unclefying", iphone auto text prompted "uncle dying"! haha!

normal?

as per routine, i called mum during lunchtime yesterday. i had half-expected her to hang up on me but she didn't. nonetheless, she didn't sound too enthusiastic and her voice was hoarse. i did some small talk and hang up shortly.

i came home from work and she seemed totally normal. the evening went on fine as i brought her along for my chiropractic treatment and then bought her a good dinner at putien.

and we returned home, watched tv and i gave her her meds. and then she asked "you going for run right?". i said yes and asked her if she's ok with it... and she replied "you wanna go run, you go, take as long as you want and i won't stop you..."

hmmm, ok, she's still not out of it. this morning, i adjusted her meds dosage, specifically i increased her quetiapine dosage. and on top of it, gave her prednisolone and cough mixture for her breathlessness and cough respectively. hopefully, this will help her.

repeat attack

mum's paranoia has started again. i have observed her throwing away food that i gave her over several occasions in the past few weeks but decided to leave things as it was. i thought it was mild and manageable since she did not show any outward signs of hostilities towards me. and yesterday, i got my confirmation when things got a bit out of hand.

you see, for the pass few days, her behaviour has increasingly gotten more and more weird. other than throwing away things, she started looking at me suspiciously in the evenings when i head out for my exercises. and on saturday, when sis came to pick her up for dinner (i had arranged a birthday celebration dinner with my uni friends) she told my second sis that i have gotten acquainted with a lady who supposedly had cheated my (late) dad of his money and that i have gone out to meet her every evenings. she believes we are planning to harm her. i came to know of this when my sis shared with me what my mum told her.

yesterday was my niece's 3rd birthday celebrations and just before we headed to my brother's place, she asked if i had taken back the house key from bee. it was kinda out of the blue. but connecting the dots, i knew something must be in her mind and told her i had. i added that she should stop her suspicions about bee. she didn't take my response well and started being defensive about why she asked. things eventually spiraled to her accusing me of not being happy with her and if that was so, she should just leave the house... and after that she refused to talk to me, pout and pulled a long face through the day. and by evening when all the celebrations was done, she refused to come home with me. and to make things worst, she got anxious and her breathlessness kicked in. it took us a long while and after my brother raising his voice that she grudgingly followed me home.

she is now throwing tantrums and going through emotional swings again.

gotta see how manage her these few days.

will have to adjust her meds again.

mid-life realities

too many things in my mind this morning and just want to write things down. my thoughts are incoherent as it is, but i just need to pen things down. i am at the point in life where i have to face up to certain realities. and amidst these realities, i have to make specific choices, choices that would balance my current realities yet might impact my future.  here's some of these... 

• i know there are things that i need to simply know and just leave them alone and not be too bothered by them. yet i know that if i do not bother about them, i will end up picking the shit. and that would impact my abilities to live normally. and so, i have to many a times make conscious choice to sacrifice my quality of life in order to preserve my quality of life. sounds contradicting? well, take for example, i have to many a times sacrifice my abilities to go out with friends and/ or do what i want and spend time with mum cos i know for a fact that if i leave her alone over a prolonged period, i might end up with her going mental and i have to pick up the pieces and manage her emotional swings/ tantrums. and when that happens, my sanity would be badly affected.

• i have made conscious decisions to leave my job cos i felt i was not able to fit into the culture and the leadership. and my boss telling me that my mum is a problem (and that he cannot allow my mum to affect my quality of work, made me decided to eventually pack up and leave (and for the record, i totally disagree with him) despite knowing that it would impact be financially. such a decision is at the expense of my career development but i decided to do it in the longer interest of keeping my sanity.

• i have gone further to take a 6-month break to take care of mum up to the point of leaving me totally no savings. yet this decision is deliberate knowing that it would be lost opportunity once mum become totally incapable mentally once her dementia gets full-blown. following the break, i have taken a job that allows me to balance my annual finance sheet with hardly any savings. and i do so cos i have decided to be near home, where i can respond to mum quickly if need be, and also my current job allows me to have a more balanced life. i do all these at the expense of my future cos i know i will hardly be able to build any savings. but it is something i have to do. 

most importantly, i am at the point in life where i feel less energetic and has a lower drive (perhaps i am just tired) and admittedly, to a certain extent, admit that i do not have to motivation nor desire to push myself anymore. and i know there are issues related largely to finances that i know i might not be able to handle when i get older. how do i finance my well-being once age-related issues appear? will i become like mum when i get older? when the time comes, who will be there for me? who will help me make decisions once i lose that capacities/ capabilities? the commitment of most of my resources to manage the old and sick certainly is at the expense of my own sustainability when my time comes. the answer must come from me. and the answer lie somewhere in financial planning and living a responsible and balanced life today. yet on the other hand, i feel so drained as it is. and i really don't want to think about money issues, or for that matter, any issues for now. 

finally...

finally, i decided to pre-set my iphone and whatsapp font size to size 20 (from the defaulted size of 12?). beginning to find the small font size a strain to my eyes in the last couple of months. this is the clearest sign that my presbyopia has worsened drastically over the couple of months.

:-)

man & dog

the world would be a lot better if only we can learn to see and appreciate things from the other person's perspective, and in the process, learn to accept the fact that there is an alternate perspective to things... perspectives that are often neither superior nor inferior to ours...

chim reflection but it came when i saw a man walk his black shih-tzu this morning. yes, the man was walking his dog. but the man couldn't appreciate the dog's nature and pulled his dog hard (to the point of choking?) whenever the dog tried to stop to take a sniff. darned! obviously, the man, being a dog lover presumably, didn't understand that to a dog, sniffing is in its nature. to us human beings, seeing would probably account for 70-90% of our sense-making of our world, but to a dog whose eyes are not as well developed as us, smelling is a huge huge part of how they sense-make their world! i don't think the man realize that a dog's sense of smell is many many times more developed than him!

i didn't know whether to pity the dog or to be angry with the man. then again, that's a lot of reflections based on one momentary sighting as i waited for the traffic light to turn green...

i think too much!

happy weekend!

picture from www.sadieshihtzu.com

letting go

it's really easy to let go once u get the hang of doing it. and i say so and reflected so as i deleted my facebook status this morning. i used to feel sentimental about deleting my status cos after sometime, somehow status updates become a part of my life. i cannot deny it documents my experiences and i undeniably become attached to them. i realized this is not healthy and decided that i should delete them after a day or two. they should capture my thoughts at a certain point of time and perhaps allow me to share with my friends, but they should not create a sense of attachment. so now i delete them every day or two. initially, i felt a little sayang cos all the comments and likes would be deleted too. i recognize the issue is me and not the status updates, but well, the act of deleting it helps shape my behaviour and mindsets. and after sometime, it's very easy to do so...

i supposed in life, this is the same. we get attached to things easily, and many a times without realizing it. for example, we get attached to people, things, places, ideas, believes, etc, even status updates! learning to let go of these attachments is the start to being free. these things often feeds our ego. letting them go releases us from being held down, just like how a kite is stuck to the one flying it. when we are able to fully let go, we open up a whole lot of space to realize our potential. and it allows us to be free and happy. letting go allows us to go higher and see the bigger picture. and when we are high enough, we realize that many things we are attached to are not important. and looking downwards from space, issues like relationships, daily complains about traffic jams, work, etc becomes insignificant. instead we see the beauty of nature, of space, of the truth...

so... yup, let go. be free.

be happy.

picture from http://www.bubblews.com

big brother

my new chief interviewed me yesterday.

during the conversation, she shared about how the positive points my head had mentioned about me and her observations of me since we first met. she described me as a person who could energize people and brighten things up amongst a few other adjectives. it was a very awkward moment for me cos i hardly have people say positive things to me and was never comfortable with it, especially at work where i forever kenah trashed by my bosses. and interestingly enough, she added that she saw me as a pillar where people in the department sub-consciously lean on and that i have been acknowledged (unofficially) as the so-called "big brother" of the department...

haha... felt very weird about being described like this...

ps: then again, thankfully, she didn't say "uncle" or worst still, "big sister" or "auntie"! lol!

joker (late) dad

dad was a very jovial person when he was alive. he would go around joking with people so much so that it was never possible to take him seriously. and even after he passed away, he continued poking fun at people... here's what happened.

last fortnight, i got a missed call from my uncle (my dad's brother). i didn't call back but learned from my aunt yesterday that my uncle felt very uneasy when his son (my cousin) told him about his dream. apparently, my dad appeared in my cousin's dream and my cousin asked him how he was. he replied that he was very miserable and that he was upset that my brother did not bring his children to see him... my cousin related this dream to my uncle, and he felt sufficiently uneasy to call my aunt to ask her how to manage (my dad) this. when my aunt related this story to me, my first reaction was one of disbelief. wow, i thought, how can anyone still believe in dreams?! then again, i reckon it is not courteous to brush away people's sharing. it was clearly an important issue to them and thus, i should not dismiss her sharing. i simply told her that i myself could not understand cos my brother has consistently been bringing his children to pay respect to him at the columbarium. my aunt just laughed it off.

i related this story to my mum and we concluded that dad must be making fun of people again, something that he did all the time when alive. and interestingly enough, at the columbarium today, my mum chided him about telling my cousin about my brother not bringing his children to pay respects to him. frankly, it was a little funny. but the way mum spoke to dad, it seemed like as though he was alive and sitting in front of her! but well, such is the belief system of my mum, my brother and my relatives. and i can only respect everything they do. 

:-)

44th anniversary

made a trip to the columbarium today to pay respect to my late grandfather. this coming wednesday would be his 44th death anniversary. been a long while since he left us and all i remembered of him was how the extended family came together to mourn his passing, his huge traditional chinese coffin and the sweeping of his grave... still, family is family. time cannot wipe away the fact that he was my grandfather and that he had protected and dotted on my mum when my dad and grandmother ill-treated her. and till this day, my mum still hold him in very high regard. and looking at how she, an 81 year old person, still call out fondly to them, ah pa and ah yee, gave me a little goose bumps... 

:-)

pretty bride

brought my mum to my sis's place early yesterday morning and my brother-in-law came down to receive her. and through the whole morning, i could sense mum's discomfort in my sis's place. perhaps it was a case of being in an unfamiliar environment cos she kept calling me every half hour or so telling me about the happenings in the house. the groom has not arrived, everyone is doing their own thing, i have nothing to do but watch tv, the groom is arriving, the groom has been made to dance... etc etc etc she went as she called the umpteenth time. it was until about late morning when they went for the solemnization ceremony and lunch when the calls stopped.

picked her up only in the late afternoon downtown where the wedding luncheon was held. could see mum was happy. my brother-in-law had arranged for me to pick mum up at the car park. and i was glad both my nieces came out to meet me too. and the elder one looked really radiant in her wedding dress. and she brought her newly wed husband out too. ah ku! she called when she saw me and i gave her a little hug. and she quickly introduced her husband to me. this is my uncle, she said, and he respectfully greeted me. suddenly i felt old. haha... anyway, i shook his hands, congratulated him and wished the newly wed a happy life ahead.

seeing my nieces (and the new nephew-in-law) made me very happy. 

:-)

new big boss

i had a change in my chief last week when my previous chief decided to step down and take on a smaller role. and it was interesting... 

she came in on monday and i was away through most of the week and came back to office only friday. and when she saw me, she enthusiastically came up to me to talk about my workshop. and i rattled about it and noted she looked somewhat bewildered. she was kind as she continued to smile and look interested (despite the bewilderment) as i went on telling her about the workshop. i found out later on, and a few times through the day that in the 4 days she was with us, nobody had briefed her about the company! and when i asked around, everybody said they couldn't find time to brief her... it shocked me to find out that she was not even told about the department's shared drive in the server! so much for my previous chief for spending 1-2 full days telling her about the company...

haiz... and so, with this realization, i calibrated down my expectations and spoke to her like as though she is brand new. heh heh... then again, i must say, her joining the team did indeed bring in an air of uncertainty in a very positive way cos she's been a generalist her whole life and can quickly pick up what we are doing in our respective functions. this is in very stark contrast to her predecessor who came from a very specialized background and couldn't give us any clear directions about what to do...

let's see how things go. i feel good about this change in the leadership.

:-)

we are the millers

well, yup, went to catch the show "we are the millers" earlier. and i must say it was a very good an enjoyable movie. superbly light-hearted and lots of laughter. just the type of movie that one should watch when you want to just blank-off and laugh. there are lots of reviews and shall not write about it other than that it tells the story about how 4 unrelated persons (a stripper, a drug dealer, a virgin and a runaway) come together, and pretend to be a family as they smuggle drugs across the mexico-us border. and through the movie, there were lots of jokes that were sexual in nature, yet not crude, and in-your-face, yet subtle. heh heh... i sound very contradictory right? ha!

very nice!

:-)

gridlock

i live near the singapore expo and there are a few types of events that i (and i dare say, people living around here) dislike. and they are - computer and i.t. fairs, and food fairs. every time there are such fairs, the whole area would like jam up. one can easily find lots of bargains and exotic food samples during such fairs and most singaporeans, who are by nature rather tech-savvy, greedy and kiasu, cannot resist a good bargain and will flock to the expo when such fairs are held.

and this weekend was terrible. we had a perfect storm situation where the singapore international food fair, the comex i.t. fair and a few retail annual clearance sales all occurring at the expo at the same time. and suddenly, it seemed like almost the whole singapore had converge into the expo! and to top things off, there is an on-going mrt construction next to my condo too. tomorrow is sunday and i cannot imagine how much worst the condition would get when church goers also appear as there is also a church next to the expo!

haiz...

kancheong

the cantonese word kancheong means anxious (or in chinese 紧张). and that is what i think mum is feeling now.

my niece will be getting married tomorrow. and my eldest sis finally decide to break the news to her. and added to that, my sis told her that she must dress up for the occasion. mum, of cos, being someone who is forever easily excited/ highly excitable, got really worked-up despite the fact that i have prepared her mentally over the last 6 months. and for that matter, i have bought her a new blouse, 2 new pair of shoes etc... then again in the last many months, mum had avoided asking sis about the wedding cos whenever she did so, sis would tell her off. and so during these last many months, mum had been consistently lamenting how sis always scold her and how indignant she felt about being treated such. 

so when sis finally broke the news to her (despite me already preparing her mentally for it over the last 6 months and increasing the frequency of telling her about it last couple of days), she still got super duper kancheong about it... and earlier on, halfway while watching her evening tv serial, she walked into the bedroom and didn't come out. it was strange of her to do this as she had not taken her medication. and when i asked her, she said her whole body ached. hmmm... and after giving her her medication and settling her properly to rest, i told her i would head out for some exercises. 

i returned half and hour later to find her mumbling and chanting. and when i asked her what was she doing, she said she was begging for buddha to cure her aches. she was adamant that something was very wrong with her and she was experiencing the same pains like dad before he died. and she added that regardless of how much more medication she takes, the pain will not go away. it took me a while to coax her to take a tablet. well, of cos, i told her i gave her paracetamol but instead gave her a sleeping pill. 

let's hope she sleeps ok tonight. otherwise, there will be lots to manage tomorrow.

ps: just after i typed this post at 11.45pm, i found mum outside in the living room. she had switched on all the lights, opened all the doors and windows, for some reasons, she left one pair of her panties on the kitchen table, her diaper on the sofa and she had boiled water and made a cup of milo for herself. i sat in the living room sofa as i watched her. she was not happy that i had woken up. after drinking her milo, she went to the kitchen to take her morning medication... managed to stop her after she did her puffs, but before she down all the tablets... would not be good if she had downed the medication considering she had just taken her evening dose 2 hours ago! haiz... i insisted on sitting in the living room unless she retires to bed again and grudgingly she did so. the sky looks like it's really gonna pour big time now, yet she refused to let me close her windows, insisting that it will not rain... looks like its gonna be a long night... but well, i think it will do me a lot of good to just ignore her and let her be for the night. 

exhausted

i feel so exhausted...

my body ached like crazy, i felt feverish and my throat was totally sore. think i am falling sick. then again, today has been a totally busy day, despite the fact that i was on leave. woke up early in the morning, pretended to go to work (didn't want mum to worry) but headed out for breakfast instead. came back at about 10.15am and dropped dead in bed. was darned tired and exhausted. woke up at 12pm and rushed off to pick mum up to send her for her medical appointment. la la la... all the waiting and the crowd and the pharmacy etc etc etc... it wasn't until 3pm before we left the hospital.

brought her out to shop a bit and bought myself a pair of work shoes and underwear. and then brought mum to swensons where she enjoyed a good hearty meal of chicken, prawns and ice cream. headed home, collapsed onto bed again. dozed off and rested for some 20min while mum took her shower. and after that, brought mum out for dessert and second round shopping at the airport. and again, i bought myself a pair of berms. all in all, plus the medication, the consultation fees, the shopping, the makan, etc... i think i spend close to 800 bucks! 

heh... did all these despite my body breaking apart. i felt like an old old person and almost couldn't bend  down when i tried to help someone in a wheelchair pick up a ring that she dropped onto the floor! haha... and so, i decided not to head out for my evening exercise but to retire to bed early.

:-)

conducting workshops

i had been superbly caught up with conducting a workshop for one of my department over the last 2 days. and today, during the check out, 2 of the ladies cried... they were so inspired by all the proceedings over the last 2 days and burst to tears as they reflected and shared on the questions about what they have learned and what will they be committed to moving ahead. and i admit, i was a total goner once women cry. but yeah, weirdly speaking, their tears were kinda an endorsement of my success and i felt encouraged by them, and of cos all the others who were present.

:-)

niece's wedding

my niece will be getting married this saturday. my eldest sis did not invite any of us. and as for my mum, the invite was extended to her only for the solemnization ceremony and a lunch after that. the same invite to the lunch was extended to 2 other nieces of mine cos my niece is very close to them. otherwise, no other family members were invited. no one have been invited for dinner and the reason i understand is that they felt the monies that they will get back from ang pows are likely to be insufficient to foot the bill... and so they decided to drop all invites to my side of the family members.

sounds weird? heh heh... that's how things are in my family. where values and family ties either do not exist or are not valued. then again, as long as my niece is happy, i am happy for her. i have taken care of her when she was a baby and she's rather close to me. she was very apologetic for not inviting me, but she has to work within the boundaries of her mummy's wishes. but i am not perturbed by it. i have transferred the ang pow money to her and i wish her the very very best in her new phase in life.

:-)

yellow shirt

i wore a yellow shirt to office this week. and as usual, i made my way to the canteen before i start week. and guess what... my shirt almost blended with the table! haha... and as if this was not bad enough, i went to office and i realized that my shirt also almost blended with my office table. and then towards the end of the day, my colleagues from the in flight department came to the office and exclaimed how i look like a cabin crew...

geeee...

lol!

line pop games

over the past couple of months, i have been playing the games from line in my iphone. and of the 3 games i play, i have constantly been getting high scores for line pop. but i decided that enough is enough, there is a time to start playing and there is a time to stop playing. and i say this cos i have found myself to want to play this whenever i am free. it was very addictive. and i seriously think it is unhealthy. and so, i deleted all the games from my iphone.

i have stopped playing it since 2 weeks ago.

:-)

beauty

not one to post anything porn nor erotic in here, but thought this picture is interesting. there is something about this picture that catches my attention. i cannot pinpoint whether it is the body, the art, the feathers or what... or maybe it was the whole packaging where perfection of the male body, coupled with the fantasy-like patterns that created a rather mystic effect... well...  

and no, it is nothing about being gay or porn. it is simply about appreciating beauty.

whatever. 

:-)

of gods & fires

mum has this habit of wanting to go to temples whenever she feels unwell inside. it calms her down. and she would often raise such requests to bring her to the temple last minute. that was what happened yesterday.

we were having breakfast, and all of a sudden, she said she wanted to go to the temple. i feel the need to do it, she said. i asked if we could go later in the afternoon cos i felt it was not respectful to go to the temple in sleeveless t-shirt and shorts. but she insisted on going right away. and i relented. if i could calm her down, every else is secondary. we went ahead to purchase the joss papers at the hawker center and quickly made our way to the temple.

the whole routine of going to the taoist temple to pay respect to the taoist gods, one after another, had become rather mechanical over time. there is a specific hierarchy to paying respects to the taoist gods, first it was the celestial god, followed by the resident god, then the gods guarding hell, the gods that guards the door/ journey, etc... and as usual, we would place the offerings of joss papers (celestial monies), candles, fruits, candies, etc on the altar before the prayers. and when all was done, we would dutifully ask for permission to burn the joss paper before we make a small donation to the temple.

such practices has a calming effect on mum, and i am sure, many other believers. it may not necessary sound logical scientifically but what matters most is the psychological effect it has on devotees. some things are not to be questioned from an angle of logic. why would gods need monies given by man? why do we need to offer food? a modern scientific person may ask. and i am sure there are logical answers to such practices other than it is something passed down generations after generations. of cos, i do suspect that some of these practices could have evolved over time such that what we see today may not necessarily be what the original practices was conducted years ago. also, i am certain the origins of such practices could possibly be founded by superstitious believes. then again, current day logic is only a representation of what we have learned thus far in our short history, who knows, there might just be some logical explanations to religion that we have yet to discover.

whatever it is, what is important is not what we do or practice regardless of religion/ faiths, rather, it is how it influence us and our energies in living and respecting life, and according respect and compassion to the sentient beings around us.

:-)

ps: but i must admit, seeing the joss papers burning away has some kind of cathartic effect on me, apart from the little pleasures of seeing things burn (that fulfills the secret arsonist desires in me?) haha!

dragon fruits

the dragon fruit is such a pretty fruit, especially the one that has a beet-root red flesh. and i enjoy blending it together with manuka honey and apples for mum and myself on weekends. very fragrant. and of cos, throw in a couple of ice cubes as i blend it and walah! we have a nice cup of chilled dragon fruit apple drink. and i guess it is rich in vitamin a and c and super for detoxifying the body. but of cos, whenever i drink/ take the red flesh dragon fruit, i will end up having reddish urine a few hours later. the first time i saw it, i had a momentary shock cos i thought i had kidney stones again! haha!

:-)

terrible traffic wardens

during the 6 months when i was not working, i took mum out for walks very often. and most of the time, it would be to the beach, as well as to parks. one of the park that i had brought mum to before was the business park behind my condo. it was a half-developed business park and the other half was vacant and very popular with nearby residents. families would have picnics, walk their dogs as well as exercise there. 

once, i drove my car there, stopped my car by the side of the road (a double yellow lined road for reasons unknown - double line means no parking at all), brought down the wheelchair and wheeled mum for a walk, with sapphie on the leashed. before i walked far, a traffic warden came. he was on his motorbike and he rode up to the front of my car. once he stopped, he shouted at me ooi, you cannot park here, move your car now! he demanded as he stood with his arms crossed and looked at me like i was a criminal. i was taken aback by his shouting but decided to just move off. i wheeled my mum back to the car as he continued to stand there and told me to hurry up or he'll book me. people around saw what he did and was rather shocked... i guessed they were shocked (as i was) to see a traffic warden behaving like that to someone pushing a wheelchair and holding a dog on leash.

i simply did what he said and left the place. decided to simply keep quiet about it. 

i soon forgot about it. until yesterday...

hah...

rude traffic wardens

i was at the business park last afternoon and i had a bad experience with a traffic warden. it was the second experience and i decided to respond tit for tat. something that i would not have done normally had it not been for a previous experience (that i would blog later). here's what happened.

the business park behind my condo was only half-developed. that means the other half was still bare and made into a park complete with running routes, benches and pergolas. this part of the park thus became popular with residents living nearby on weekends. some would walk there, whereas some, drive. and there are also many (eg taxi drivers) who would simply drive there, park along the road and take an afternoon nap. the only issue is that becos it is meant to be developed as a business park, there are no parking facilities. and all the roads were painted with double yellow lines, which mean "no parking at all times". and becos of this, technically speaking, anyone who parks along the road would be guilty of breaking a rule, despite the fact that the place is vacant, deserted and has hardly any traffic. and this is where to problem arise...

i was at the park yesterday to wash my car. when i first arrived there, i saw a traffic warden doing his rounds on his motorbike. after chasing away a van, he parked his motorbike along the road and took a rest. i decided to drive to another part of the park to wash my car. when i was about done, he rode up to me and once within hearing distance, shouted at me and chided me for parking my vehicle there. "you know it is a double yellow line and you still park your car here! why?!" he shouted and demanded an answer. i knew i was in the wrong but that hostile opening line made me mad. i told him he should not have shouted at me even if i was in the wrong. as i was previously from the company doing this enforcement, i knew very well that he was supposed to greet people first. rudeness has never and will never be part of the service equation. he was taken aback by my counter-response and raise his voice further... he then dismount from his bike and his posture was one that looked like he's gonna book me. 

that energized me further. i knew there was nothing he could do to me. i had not verbally abused him. and i certainly was behaving within the boundaries of a reasonable people. i went on to lecture him about his attitude and how he had not done what the company had drilled into him. i know i am in the wrong, but with your rudeness, you have put yourself in the disadvantaged position. what's the first step of your sop? greet! good afternoon, sir. not shout at people. is this what you have been taught? is this how you behave? isn't customer focus part of your company core values? he gabra a little when he found out i was from the company... are you sure you are from my company? he started to sound a little destabilized. and he started to address me "sir". but he was clearly not satisfied. or more accurately, indignant. ok, i call you sir now, now move your car... he half-demanded. i told him i would move my car once i packed my stuff, as i went ahead to throw away the dirty water and move my stuff back into the car. he stood there and wanted me to pack up right away. i took my time. i was on the offensive. i will move once i pack my stuff, i said again. and if you will, please go away. he knew he had no way with me, and left. 

i called my ex-colleague managing this unit and gave feedback on his behaviour to them. and yup, he thanked me for it. he deserved it, my ex-colleague said.

sea of monster

watched percy jackson and the sea of monster last night.

another fantasy show. but i find this show a little less exciting compared to the last percy jackson (and the lightning thief). the set is so fake and i didn't take it too well to the many attempts to insert cheesy jokes into the show. the whole production felt very teenager-ish and unprofessional. then again, it's a break...

:-)

picture from www.fanpop.com

travel list...

time to update my travel-log... 

:-)

2013

may - philippines (clark)
jul - malaysia (kl)
aug - indonesia (jakarta)

2012

nil

2011

feb - malaysia (jb)

jun - malaysia (jb)

oct/ nov - china (hong kong sar)

2010

may - malaysia (jb)

oct - indonesia (bintan)

nov - indonesia (jakarta)

dec - united arab emirates (abu dhabi, dubai)

2009

jun/jul - australia (perth, cervantes, margaret river, augusta, walpole, denmark, pemberton, manjimup, albany, hyden, corrigin, york, fremantle, joondalup)

jul - malaysia (malacca)

sep - malaysia (malacca)

nov - malaysia (jb)

2008

jun - thailand (phuket)

oct - malaysia (malacca, kuala lumpur)

dec - malaysia (cameron highlands, malacca)

2007

apr - malaysia (malacca)

apr - china (beijing)

jun - australia (perth)

aug - vietnam (hanoi, haphong)

aug - indonesia (jakarta, bandung)

dec - china (shanghai)

2006

apr - malaysia (kl)

jun - australia (sydney)

aug - thailand (bangkok)

sep-oct - indonesia (jakarta, bandung, lembang)

oct - thailand (bangkok)

dec - china (hong kong)

2005

feb - thailand (bangkok)

mar - malaysia

may - thailand (bangkok)

jun - indonesia (bintan)

jul - indonesia (bintan)

sep - indonesia (bintan)

oct - malaysia (kl)

nov - malaysia (jb, malacca)

nov - indonesia (bintan)

dec - taiwan (taipei)

2004

feb - taiwan (kaoshiung)

mar - taiwan (kaoshiung)

jun-dec - states (whole of florida, new york, chicago / illinois, etc)

dec - china (shanghai, hangzhou)

2003

jun - australia (sydney)

sep-oct - taiwan (taipei)

dec - s korea (seoul, sorat, incheon)

2002

jun - england (london, oxford, stratford upon avon, leeds, manchester, scarborough, windermere, etc)

2001

mar - states (california [la, sfo], new york)

may - taiwan (whole)

may - malaysia

jul - states (san diego)

dec - malaysia

2000

jun - australia (sydney)

dec - indonesia (bintan)

1999

feb - indonesia (jember)

may - england (london, brighton)

jun - malaysia

oct - japan (tokyo)

1998

mar - malaysia

jun - malaysia

sep - new zealand (christchurch)

nov - new zealand (christchurch, auckland)

1997

jun - indonesia (bintan, batam)

jun - thailand (bangkok, pattaya)

nov - switzerland (zurich, lucerne), israel (jerusalem)

pre-1997

lots of places but mainly in asia. these include east and west malaysia (lost count), taiwan (almost every city/town you can think of, lost count), hong kong (twice?), australia brisbane, sydney, melbourne (1994), thailand (bangkok, kanchanaburi, chiangmai, chiangrai) (lost count), indonesia (bintan, batam, jember, surabaya) (trice?), brunei (lost count), philippines (metro manila, cabanatuan city) (1995), etc etc etc...

mortal instruments

watched mortal instruments city of bones last weekend.

good and nice movie and brought me away from the mundanes of the normal daily stress. i supposed this is part of what fantasy movies are about - to transport us to a make believe world where good is always triumphant over the bad. then again, bee didn't quite like this movie as it lacked the oomph, he said. below expectations, he grumbled. as for me, i was frankly a little disappointed when he said he booked this show as i thought he had booked percy jackson. turned out percy jackson had not been released yet. so... yup, walking into a cinema with no expectations, or better still, a little disappointment, was not so bad after all...

:-)

picture from schmoesknow.com