hiromi iwasaki

i am so happy to be able to find some video clips of my favourite singer - hiromi iwasaki. used to listen to all her songs when i was in secondary school! i could even sing her songs (altho i did not even know what they mean - and i still don't... altho i could still sing! haha)!

and this was my all time favourite - sumire-iro no namida!

lyrics of sumire-iro no namida
sumirette sumirette
buruuna koibito dooshiga (blue)
kisu shite kisu shite (kiss)
umareta hana dato omou no
sabishikatta kara anata wo ai shite
sabishikatta kara anata wo nikunda
sabishikatta kara anata ni sayonara wo
soshite hito tsubu sumire iro no namida

sumirette sumirette
anata to watashi no ao zameta
kokoro ga kokoro ga
saka seta hana dato omou no
sabishikatta kara anata wo ai shite
sabishikatta kara anata wo nikunda
sabishikatta kara anata ni sayonara wo
soshite hito tsubu sumire iro no namida
soshite hito tsubu sumire iro no namida

selamat hari raya

my wish to all my muslim friends...

directions

i am looking for directions in (work)life...

losing oneself

i have just navigated my friends list in facebook and decide to write something here. you see, as i scan the list, i do see individuals who have totally lost themselves - their identity, their sense of self, and worst, sense of self-worth - while trying so very hard to please people (be it in terms of currying favours from their bosses or trying to be the person their partner wants them to be).

and i find it very sad.

things may seem well for the first year or two, but with time, the tension will invariably increase and your inner self will revolt! that is when tensions and quarrels happen. and i am speaking this from experience. in any relationships, it is important to adapt and to give in, but do not ever mistaken adapting and giving in to losing yourself.

if your partner wants you to think and do like him, ask him to marry himself.

semoga bahagia

have seen a sudden spike in visitors to my blog for the children's day song and the lyrics over the past few days. and most of them were referred by google searches.

i think it must be becos children's day just round the corner and that most are teachers trying to get the lyrics to teach their students.

certainly brings back memories!

:-)

bored

on leave and bored. wanna go enjoy myself on one hand but on the other hand, have to complete amending a paper that my supervisor had requested. agreed to do it within one month and two weeks have passed...

think i'll start work on it today...

mourning - final part

today marked the 7 x 7 weeks or 49th day of my dad's demise. to the taoist, this is also a very big day for it signifies the final departure of the spirit from earth. i understood from some of my friends that the reason why it was a 7-week period was because of the belief that human beings have 7-consciousness (don't ask me what)... and one will die off each week after a person dies. the 7th week, therefore, marks the final day in which the final consciousness dies and that the spirit will `officially' move on the the netherworld/ heaven. i also understood that the buddhist believes that on the 49th day, the spirit will be reborn. most significantly for the living, it marked the end of the mourning period.

well, whatever the rationale, these 7 weeks had certainly been an uneventful one. and despite this uneventful nature, whenever we did the fortnightly prayer, it would be a lot of work, a lot of co-ordinations and a lot of impression-management. well, the first two should be easy to understand considering all the logistics involved. for the last, it was about managing my aunt's perception of how we, as children of my dad, manages his departure. it is also about how we convince my dad's siblings that we are worth to be called the sons and daughters of my dad. as to be expected, there were lots of tensions during the 3x7 and 5x7 prayers. apart from my aunt, i have to also handle very sensitively my brother and his relations with my sisters. he did not want to involve them for he felt that they had failed my dad (all these are legacies and baggage issues left behind by my dad)... and i was the only one kept in the loop because no matter what, i am the eldest son. and without me, the prayers would not proceed. nonetheless, i had to make sure that my sisters are present for today's prayers. i was able to cover for them over the last two fortnights. today, their absence would surely leave tongues wagging and rumours and allegations would spread. it would certainly be unhealthy for the family.

the last two occasions, my brother did not tell me the time to meet, leaving me to sometimes rush there or be there early to wait for him. so, this time round, i took the initiative to set a time - 1045hrs. this was about the time we did our previous two prayers. and i made sure my sisters were told of the time. despite all these, my brother sms-ed me at 0910hrs telling me he was already on his way. i pulled my weight. told him outright that i would only be there only by 1045hrs as i had to do marketing. he had no choice but to relent cos i had all the fruits, joss papers, and so on. and so in a way, i held him ransom this time round. i arrived promptly at 1045hrs. and as murphy would have it, my eldest sis got there a bit late, my second sister got lost and reached only about 1140hrs. at about 1125hrs, she smsed to tell me that we should go ahead and leave if we had completed the prayer. i guessed she simply did not understand my intent. i had to rope in my brother-in-law to help drag the prayer and talk to my aunt.

throughout the whole morning, i was reiterating my aunt how i had impressed upon my sisters that they need not be there for the 3x7 and 5x7 prayers as it was of lesser importance. she merrily said that "yes, yes, and today it was so nice to get all the children here"... wthese wrods seemed to indicate that my plan had worked. then again, it was not merely about pleasing my aunt. that was not my intent.

my approach to these 7 weeks of mourning was about managing the impressions. and i know that if i was able to manage my aunt well, things would be fine. she was the point-of-contact to the rest of my dad's siblings and she would be the key person to manage. if not done properly, allegations would fly. and allegations have the habit of becoming the accepted truth if it is reinforced by wrongly perceived actions (or non-actions) and worst, repeated iterations.

i certainly do not want anyone (such as my sis) to be upset when rumours and allegations start flying. the effect i wanted to create on her was that we are capable of managing our dad's funeral and our family affairs, and all of us have our own ways of loving our dad and mourning his demise. so, i had to make sure that for everything my aunt did, i must outdo her. so, for every dish she cooked, i must cook twice the amount, for every joss paper she suggest, i would tell her i had already bought, and for that matter, bought much more, and for everything she asked, i would tell her it had been done. i did all these for i believe that she would be our loudspeaker to tell the rest of the family that we are ok. most importantly, through this, i am also indirectly telling her to leave our family business to ourselves.

well, i am not sure if i am successful. time will tell. but i am sure this little extra effort would help create a peaceful environment for the whole family. for that matter, for the whole extended family.

putting on weight

was at cali pizza kitchen with bee earlier this evening and had the chance to be served by some very familiar faces. they had been there for many years (since i was with james). and after our meal i called for the check and one of them came up to me and said : "hey, i think you've put on weight!"

and i must admit that at that very point in time, i was taken aback by this remark and did not know how to respond. i remembered saying something like: "oh, you've observed" (!?!)... hmmm, anyway, when he came back with the receipts, i had regained sufficient composure/ sanity to reply properly... and told him that "when i return next time, i will be slimmer"...

but really, i think i have to slim down too... a waistline of 35" is a tat too large for my frame...

ghost

brought sapphie to the basement car park for her usual poo/ pee this afternoon. we were at the grass patch when all of a sudden, sapphie started barking non-stop and darted towards a particular corner of the car park that was very dark. that was the same corner where we would walk towards to to the lift landing. i held onto her leash tight. she continued barking. i turned around and i saw the silhouette of a figure limped out of the foundation pillar. this figure then stood there and faced me.

i froze. felt a wave of cold, numbing sensation sweep through my body. the hair on my whole back and shoulder stood. the silhouette of the figure looked exactly like my dad. my immediate thought was: "it could not be. he could not have possibly come back to visit me on the final day of my mourning." i continued standing there. not knowing how to react.

when my eyes finally get adapted to the dim conditions some 2 seconds later, i realised that silhouette was that of an old man who lived in my block. and he was also walking his dog. and sapphie had reacted to the dog. and i think sapphie might have also shocked him for he also started moving. my first experience with a `ghost'. and it was certainly a hair raising experience.

:-)

f1?

really, i think i get more excited about going to work than the f1 singapore grand prix that is currently being held in town.

and to me, not feeling excited about the race is not about not showing my national pride, it is not about me not being patriotic, etc... the event seemed just too far away - in my mind. yup, the hype about the first nite race, the racing cars, the show down between (come on what's the name again? lewis something)... anyway, all these seemed so foreign to me. and the whole event has been nothing more than an event aimed at boosting the commercial value of this country. for the sake of money, roads can be closed, locals can be made to put up with traffic jams, shops can be closed, la la la... reminds me of how we argued for integrated resorts some years back.

come to think of it, for the beijing olympics, the whole built-up had this anticipation effect on me. what would it be like? how will it unfold? will beijing be able to pull it off? the eventful things that happened before the games, the series of product scandals (toys for example), the tibet incident, the sichuan earthquakes, the demonstrations during the run, and so on... it seemed unending and bleak many a times. and as i watched the opening ceremony after the long and arduous months before, i sat, awed by what i saw. i was so moved by it. i eyes swelled with tears. i was damned bloody proud, at that very moment, that i am chinese...

but f1? hmmm... what f1?

anyone feel the same?

nice

it's a nice feeling when someone tells you you are one of the blessings in their life. and you know they mean it. it always feels good to be able to help - be it in terms of sharing my experience, my views, providing a listening ear, or for that matter, even a shoulder to lean on. personally, after having experienced many downs (really really life defining moment downs), it breaks my heart to hear/ see my friends going through similar tensions.

i know that i may need such support at some point in my life. and i do hope when i need it, i have people to turn to.

ps: somehow this song rang in my mind - when you need, a shoulder to cry on, when you need, someone to rely on, when the whole world's gone, you won't be alone cos i'll be there... hmmm, just cannot recall the title at this immediate moment...

feeling guilty

nowadays, more so, after my dad passed away and my mum moved out, i feel very guilty leaving sapphie alone at home over a prolonged period of time. so nowadays, i would rush home immediately after work to spent time with her. try not to go out for too long a duration as i am sure she would be lonely.

i mean, yes, granted that she's a dog, but she's my family and over the years, i've come to see her and treat her in a manner no different from any human being. a non-dog owner may laugh at me, but, having lived with a dog for the last 8 over years, i have come to be able to understand the facial expressions of my dog (i sometimes refer to her as my daughter). i was able to know when she was smiling, when she was happy, when she was sad, when she was feeling guilty and so on.

really, it is not different from any human beings.

thinking back, when i was still with james, i would do the same. and many a times, i would chide james for neglecting her and for not bringing her down early enough to pee/ shit. i was worried that prolonged holding of her bladder would result in problems later in life. this need to rush home was negated after my mum moved in to my mum in jun 2005. and she took over the responsibility of walking sapphie eventually. i must admit that i have taken her (my mum) for granted and have since established the habit of staying out late.

until recently.

i must readjust my schedule. she is sapphie and she is family.

gays vs str8s

decide to quickly pen some quick (and possibly loose) rantings that crossed my mind. these thoughts are about gays vs straights. it was something that i shared with a friend two weeks back during lunch. it's about different rules of the game.

question - why is it easier and for that matter, seemingly more prevalent for two gay men to have sex/ ons rather than between a man and a woman? some of my reasons:

• no pregnancies - hence no issues with regards babies, etc... this, i think is the main reason; and with no possibilities of pregnancies means...

• no families to force you to get married, ie, enter into a life-long contract (called marriage) when a shot gun happens (what we often refer to as `shot gun marriages'.).. and i certainly know of many cases of shot gun marriages where the bridegrooms were not ready for it at best, and at worst, don't even like (not to mention love) the bride. so, between two gay men, there case of a "wham bang thank you man (m'am?)" is just that - "wham bang thank you man" (erm... ok, ok, it could also be "whammed bangged thank you man!"). this, compared to between a man and a woman where a "wham bang thank you m'am" can possibly go wrong and become "wham! bang! oops, miss... wo! man!!!"
  

• there is probably a higher probably for gaymen to be able to separate sex as a need and sex as an extension of love. that is to say, gay men (esp seasoned gaymen - here, i mean gaymen who have been out long enough to have matured and mellowed as a gay man) has a higher tendency to be able to manage the emo-part of sex. every too often, people link sex with emotions (of love) and things can get very sticky (well, ahem, not in the cum manner).
  

i am sure my views above can be challenged and there are probably many possible stands and angles that one could take - eg monogamy, marriage, responsibility, etc etc etc... it is certainly very complex. and i am quite certain a straight person would quickly say - "see! gay men are so promiscuous and immoral". but i would prefer to see it as - they have different rules, especially when it comes to sex (if not, why call them gay rite?). values of a specific community are a shaped by the community's established norms (including sexual norms) and practises. and thus, gay sex practises, when viewed from a straight lens will always be immoral. and i do not think it is fair to then brand gays as immoral using the perspectives of straight people (yes! revoke 377a!).

strangers to friends

recent few weeks was interesting. seemed like there was a sudden surge of people coming up to talk to me or mailing me thru the net.

for example, at the public pools, i got to know at least 2-3 new friends. one of which became a very good pal that now communicates with me almost exclusively thru the email due to personal reasons. he has become someone whom i would look out/ care for and to whom i had become an uncle agony :) then, there was another who came up to me, smiled at me and started a conversation. and he told me that he had seen me many times at the pool but was afraid to talk to me cos i looked rather fierce (ya - fierce!!!). he added that he was afraid i might use the `kwa-see-mee' (what are you staring at) phrase on him if he were to inadvertently look at my direction a bit too long... kinda amused to hear these views of me. heh heh... but of cos, i do admit that i do not usually look (read - cruise) at people at public places. well... ahem, at least not to the extend of being branded a d.o.m.

as for people contacting me online. i got to make a new friend in facebook. nice chap. am glad to be able to know a new person schooled in the same discipline as me. also, have not login into fridae for a long while and it's been a long while since i received any emails from people there. but recently, i received emails asking if they could get to know me better, telling me i have a cute dog, and so on. i admit it is a rather nice feeling to know that you've been noticed (altho it is sad to be only noticed in cyberspace where no face/ pic is involved - says so much about my looks ya? hahahha).

my type?

so very often in any gay men's conversation, one would hear this question asked - "so what's your type?..." and it can really get rather tiring to keep answering this question again and again... but i now have a perfect answer...

for me, it's isfj!

:-)

isfj - istj

to extend or not?

all these years i had worked on the basis that i would leave my current employment by dec this year when i hit 42 years old. my resolve was given a further boost when i was outed by my security department 3 years ago. so, despite recent changes in policy to allow all employees due for release at age 42 to be automatically extended to 45, i decided that it would perhaps be best for me to part ways with my current employer. and i supposed that went well with my security office for it would mean getting rid of one more gay man in the organisation.

last week, i received an email from my hr department asking if i would consider extending my service by another 7 months. tis to allow my length of service to hit 10 years so that i could enjoy lifelong medical benefits and tax free status for my `retirement funds' (money i would recieve from my employer at the end of my service). rather surprised to get such a mail from my hr. first time in my 23 yr stay to get a personalised attention (or could it be cos the person who handled my case was my friend?...) anyway, my natural response would be a yes. the only thing is that i am not sure how the security office would react to this (my hr is not aware of my sexuality and i do not believe the security department had informed them). anyway, my hr is now checking on the implications if my service was to be extended.

if this is a go ahead, my departure from service would be end-jul 09. for now, i will wait for my hr to talk to my boss and to let my boss talk to the security department.

old man chinese woman

visited the jurong bird park with bee today. and as usual, other than bird watching, we were people watching. saw quite a few gay men there. there was an ang-moh couple (rather loving too), a filipino couple, a couple of individuals and so on. and for the first time after so long, i noticed bee striking a `damsel-in-distress & checking the map to find out his location' pose. and this was after a gay man smiled at him... i was so amused seeing him pretending and trying so hard to hide that `i-know-you-know-i-know-you-are-watching-me' kinda half-smile on his face.

heh heh...

and oh, we also boarded the panorail and took seat in a cabin where there was this 50-plus year old uncle and his 20-something year old china chinese girlfriend. it was rather disgusting to see how this uncle, clad in the typical heartland-uncle-three-rifle-brand striped tee-shirt and pants, threw his arms around his thickly make-up faced 20-something year old girlfriend who was wearing a gray sequin-filled dress; and complete with freaking huge ear-rings! and throughout the journey, he kept squeezing her shoulder and they kept making small talks. and as if this wasn't bad enough, when we arrived at the lory loft, we saw another couple. this time round, it was a 60-plus (closer to 70) year old pot-bellied uncle, clad in china rabbit brand singlet and pants, and another 20-something year old chinese girl behaving in similar intimate manner. and to top it off, the uncle's singlet was worn inside out and it was tucked into his pants too! these whole sight was rather upsetting i must say. seeing a grandfather behaving intimately with someone fit enough to be his granddaughter.

we were really speechless. and much as i tried to be non-judgemental, the sight was just too much. we quickly walked away. i guess it was a case of the uncle seeking attention and the girl seeking a quick buck and they were both able to fulfil each other's needs. so...

as long as they are happy i guess. hmmmmm... whatever...

it was a good day at the bird park nonetheless.

missing celebrations?

what would you do when a good friend (who had, over the past few years, invite you for his birthday celebrations) did not invite you for his birthday celebrations this year? well, for me, it does not matter. i'd just take it as `ok lor, no issue. the birthday boy must have his reasons for not including me this year' and i respect that and move on. and for that matter, i don't even want to assume the celebrations was being held. but for bee, out of good intentions of wanting to buy/share the birthday gift, he called up another mutual friend on that morning and asked if there was gonna be a dinner (so that he could present the gift). that friend gave an `erm, erm... no, no celebrations' answer. and to bee, it was a worried-sounding response and a rather unconvincing one. and i could see bee was rather upset and he started to assume and imagine all sorts of reasons why this was so... and he went - i think he is not happy with us... i think he is....

kinda interesting to see this reaction of his. and i told him to just stop assuming things. making assumptions without clarifying the truth create stress and is the cause of many unnecessary tensions. firstly, there could be a real possibly that there was no celebrations. and secondly, even if there was, there could be many reasons why we were left out this year... of which i could name a few possibilities - (1) pantang (superstitious) - cos i am still technically in mourning. and you don't mix such events together (2) the celebrations this year included a different group of friends whom we did not know... (3) the celebrations include some friends whom the birthday boy thought it would be better for us not to be present... (4) the celebrations this year only include the very very exclusive close inner circle of friends.... and so on.

so many possible reasons. if being invited was really so important, then simply give the birthday boy a call and ask. if not, the last thing that we should do was to assume... and whatever the case, it was the birthday boy's prerogative to decide how he wants to spent his birthday and, if there was a celebrations, who he wants to invite. it was really not up to us to decide and worst of all, to assume we would be invited. if we really want to live up to being good friends, we should just wish him a happiest birthday and leave it at that. respecting how he would like to spent his special day and with whoever he wish; and with no expectations. after all, that is what friends are for right?

:-)

central locking 4

at long last, i have finally got my car door fixed. the car central-locking problem had been solved. send my car for servicing two days back and had also given the car a nice polish. damage was about $650. but it was well worth it. it looked brand new, and the door works perfectly fine now.

there is only one issue now - over the pass months, i have gotten so used to the `bbbbrrrrrrrrrr' sound whenever i unlock my car door, or whenever i drive off that the quietness now makes me so uneasy! otherwise, everything else was just great - new shine, smooth drive, even the blown bulb had been changed :-)

well, i guess i have got to get use to it.

weekend is here!

swimming trunks

went for a swim at my condo pool earlier and saw a most ugly sight! no need to describe here. but...

for all you people out in this world (who is reading this humble blog of mine), i must emphasize here that - if you are very fair, middle-aged and totally out of shape, you should never never ever wear a bright blue tanga-cut swimming trunk. and, you should never never ever pull it up so high such that the trunk splits your balls (i remembered clearly that there is a term that describes this but cannot recall what this term is...) *

eeeeeeeeekkksss!

* thanks to weetz - yes, the term is camel toes :-)

billing frustrations

i have heard and experienced some incidents that do not speak very well of our gahmen's services despite all the pluses and good reputations, particularly so when it comes to billing. take the following two examples for instance:

• my mum went to the polyclinic for her regular check-up, paid for the consultation and left. some four months later, she received a letter telling her that she has not paid and that she needs to go back to pay for the consultation. when i asked her, she said that she did pay up and that she was very clear of it. she could even tell me how she made the payment, how she took the receipt and then threw it away. and knowing my mum, she was the type who would do things `swee swee', all payments made, not owe people/ organisations money and make sure things are completed nicely. and i do take her word for it. so, when faced with such a situation where it was `me word against yours', it was a no-win situation for us. in the end, to avoid further hassle, she quietly paid up (ok, ok this is not gahmen per se, but considering they inherit the whole system from the gahmen, well...).

• last saturday, i received a letter from ava fining me $100 for not paying for my dog license that had expired on 30 apr 08. first thought that came to my mind was that this was a mistake. i had clearly asked bee to pay for me late april and i even remembered sending him to the rochor center post office to do it on my way to work. he even passed me the sam-station receipt at the end of the day. on hindsight, my mistake was that i threw away the receipt a few days later. anyway, bee bee took the letter and called ava to clarify. the officer who answered the call told him that as far as they are concerned, their computer system showed that the dog license was not paid and so, unless we could produce proof of payment, we would be required to pay the fine or risked being fined more. so, for now, bee bee has gone to the posbank to ask for his statement account.

i asked one key question in these incidents - if one cannot produce a receipt, does it necessary mean one have not paid? when we try to clarify, we were told that we need to produce receipts as proof of payment. well, in the first place, there is nothing that suggest that we need to keep the receipt. and for that matter, if we were to keep the receipt, then i do ask, for how long? in the first incident, it was 4 months later, in the second, more than 5 months. also, if the organisation does not have a record, it cannot assume the individual has not paid and issue summons as in the case of ava. if billing is done through a third party (such as the contractor administering the sam-machine), what are the mechanisms in place to ensure that the processes between this contractor and the organisation is water-tight? if the organisation's records showed that a bill has not been paid, shouldn't the organisation address the issue with the contractor/s. why suddenly issue a summons 5 months later? i am sure i am not the only case and that there must be many others who have been caught in similar situations. given such situation, there must have been a lot of money lost in transit. so, naturally, this begs the next question - who bagged all these monies?

all these issues would have been avoided if customers are told specifically the duration where they need to keep the receipt and that this requirement be spelt out clearly on the receipt.

there is certainly a lot of truth when we say `where it comes to (us) paying and (gahmen) collecting, we can trust them to be very prompt and very tight'. for now, this whole episode has been rather frustrating!

uncanny coincidences

sometimes, things can be so coincidental that you really cannot believe it... and amongst the few that happened recently, two stood out...

• got to know someone recently and had been chatting with him on and off over the msn. apparently, found out that he knows quite a few of james' (my ex) friends. and for that matter, very well too! familiar names and characters that was so much a part of my life some years back came flooding back when i spoke with him... some names - jason, jo, lawrence, rachel... enough said. need no go further. it was almost freaky...
  

• today, drove bee to his grandma's columbarium. when i reached the temple entrance, james' (my ex again) car was parked there. told bee about it as he dropped off. bee smsed me sometime later that he did not see james in the temple. well, of cos not, james is not one who goes to places of worship (well, of cos unless it was places where he `worships' his favourite artistes). that his car was parked outside the temple in the midst of a private housing estate could only mean that he has moved there and that his landlord could not give him space in the car porch, or that he was visiting/ had stayed overnight with someone who stays there and that this someone's car porch is already filled :-)

hmmm...

moving on

many of my friends told me i should not talk about james in front of bee. and that i am being unfair to bee if i do it. on the contrary, i think it is most important to be open about our thoughts, even if it is about our exs. but of cos, as pony always advise, when talking about exs - be open, but importantly, also be sensitive, and objective. i for one believe that such openness builds trust and prevents unnecessary tensions.

also many of my friends told me i should forget james altogether. hmmmm.... how to? how to forget about someone whom i had spent 1/6 of my life with? someone whom i had given my all to, both emotionally and physically? not possible. if anyone can tell me he can totally forget, i think he had probably not loved. and if he still claim he had, i will then call him a hypocrite. the irony of life is that when one tries to forget, one remembers. i personally would prefer to keep my past in a nice and warm corner of my heart. remember the good times, treasure the memories, learn from the not so good incidents and try not to get into similar situations.

move on. moving on does not mean forgetting. moving on does not mean not talking about it. moving on means accepting it is over and not letting it consume you.

honesty

honesty...

• is the best defence

• makes one most attractive

:-)

help!

who would you think of when you are in distress?

i was put in a position today that made me think about some of my past. you see, i was on my way home. and my gas was low and i had wanted to drive to the nearest gas station/ petrol kiosk to top up my petrol on my way home. and as i was about to exit siglap, my car came to a sudden halt. it died in the middle of the east coast parkway (ecp). i knew immediately that it had died and that my petrol had ran out. i steered my car to the shoulder.

very quickly, i though thru who i could call for help. not many names came to mind. bee bee, albert and ice cream james were the immediate ones i thought off. but i was too shy to call them. what if i had to impose on them? what if they were in the middle of something important? guess it was my character after all. don't impose. if need be, take the pain, but don't make it difficult for people. my first question to them when i called were "are u free?"...

it was during such occasions that i get to feel very happy that i have friends whom i could trust in times of trouble. james agreed to help immediately. but as he was quite a distance away, he told me i needed to wait for about an hour. albert was in the midst of something urgent and i hung up before i even told him my problem. in the end, i activated my bro-in-law. he rode his bike and came to my rescue without further questions.

all in all, the whole incident lasted less than an hour. but in this period, i got to see how my relative/ friends would react to me if i needed help. their forthcoming response was most assuring. i thanked james after the whole incident. he replied that he did not do anything that deserve me thanking him. but to me, the fact that he agreed, that fact that the heart was willing. it did not matter if the action took place. the fact that he made me feel assured. that was all that mattered.

and it reminded me of one of life's important lesson - it is not how much you do or what you do, but what you made the opposite party feel that is most most important.

:-)

ps: this incident reminded me of my ex - james. for there was one exact incident where he called me. his car died at eunos industrial estate. i went down. after pushing the car, trying to start the car, etc etc etc. we finally activated the tow truck. we found out later that it was due to his car running out of petrol... :-)

impressionable

i am an impressionable person. after what happened over the last few days, my impression of the overseas student will never be the same again. during the graduation yesterday, i sat at the same table as the overseas student in my class. the whole evening seemed so fake. all the pleasantries and kind words somehow sounded so hypocritical. regardless of how nice the words sounded, it all seemed so empty.

this evening, we had a class dinner. something that was only kept to within a small group of us. somehow, everything that was said also sounded fake. insincere. perhaps it was me. perhaps it was my impression. an impression that was tainted by the highly negative experience.

whatever the case, i must admit that my singaporean students did me proud. it was my local students that rallied around me. it was them that performed very well. that made my class stood up against all the other 9 classes. for in my class, i had 3 award winners. the highest amongst all the classes. and this, to me, was the highest reward any instructor could ask for. and for me personally, it was a good end for my stint as an instructor. it was a good end to my 23 year profession. it was my swan song.

final week

this coming week will be the final week of the course. the graduation will be on wed evening. a grand affair. and the ball will be on fri evening.

but i am not looking forward to all these events. i must say that over the past 3 years, i had attended at least 5 graduation ceremonies, 2 graduation balls, and so on. and they have become somewhat routine. i don't get excited about them anymore. yes, i enjoy interacting with the students. intellectually, it is very stimulating. but emotionally, the attachment is not as strong now. not as compared to the first course. but i guess this is natural. it is the same with my colleagues. it is the same with many of my friends in the teaching line.

first love will always be the most impressionable. same analogy.

:-)

mio

finally gave up my pacnet account. had that account since 1996 - the year when i first met chong - my first crush. the person that made me face my sexuality and come out. he was the one who started me on internet. so, in a way, i opened my pacnet account becos of him. had been holding on to my pacnet account for no good reasons. well perhaps in the earlier years, i was a little sentimental about it, then it became a case of pure laziness.

last week, i decided to let it go. making that decision was very easy actually. nothing to be emotional nor sentimental about it. well, not in a way that would make my heart aches. simple dollars and cents.

have switched to mio. think it would be simpler. 3-in-1. handphone, adsl/internet and landline. single billing. less hassle. comes with mio tv too. and the overall cost is cheaper too.

:-)

regretful end

i don't like to be faced with hostile behaviours. and whenever i am faced with such behaviour, i will feel very uneasy. such a situation happened this week.

been very busy past couple of days interviewing my students. end of course interview. as part of the interview, i was suppose to share with them their development progress as well as their detailed grades. sadly, this would also be the time where students will focus on the most minute details and at times, let one module grade (out of the many many module grades) affect their morale. very regretful when this happen for it would spoil the mood and give the end of the whole 9-month course a very sour end.

this week, i was faced with one such student. to make it worst, he was an overseas student - one whom i had the most respect and one whom the whole faculty respected for his maturity. after showing him his grades, he took the report, signed it and left my office. he looked a bit uneasy. some few minutes later, he came into my office again and asked for another look at the grades again. then he left, half hour later, he called my handphone from his home and asked for his grades again and asked for a reiteration of his grades again, this time round, he focused on the modules where he got a c-grading. he asked for the reasons why he was given a c-grade. i sensed something amissed by then. told him i will check and that he should see me the next day.

the next day, he came into my office and i gave him my explanation. he refused to accept it and said it was all bullshit. told me he will retract his signature on the report and demanded for a redress. he wanted to know specific details of what was assessed and the weightage of each activity that was assessed. told him what i could. he refused to accept. i told him i will refer to my h.o.d.. i then forwarded the details of my assessment grades to my h.o.d. and he concluded that i had given him his worth fairly given his level of participation. there was no way i could have given the student a top ranking given he was on mc during part of the assessment period. my h.o.d gave the same feedback to the student as i did. we had to adhere by our policy not to divulge details about how students were assessed. by then, the student was furious. he barged back into my office, raised his voice, and told me point blank words that alluded to me penalizing him unfairly. by then, he was rather emotional. i didn't like his tone. but i kept my cool. i reiterated that i had kept to my assessment guidelines and that if he disputed my assessment and my h.o.d.'s explanation, he should talk to my boss about it.

such was the very tense and very hostile situation i was faced with over the last few days. i was very disappointed with the behaviour. i regret that the overseas student had to take his result so bad. i didn't feel good. but i had to manage it. later that night, he apologized to me thru the email for his behaviour. his email stated that it is his nature to question for details especially when he felt there was injustice. his words came across as not sincere. well, there is only so much i can do. will let my boss manage him. i have done what i could. i have been professional about my assessment and in managing the whole situation. to me, his behaviour reflect more of his `maturity' and his country. sadly.

meaningful @ work

was supposed to supervise a visit to tokyo (a study trip that was conducted last week) but due to my dad's demise, i had to hand over the responsibilities to my colleague. so i missed the trip and was a bit disappointed. i had been involved in all the planning over the past couple of months. but looking on a bright side, it was a restful two weeks when my students and colleagues were away.

anyway, everyone returned from the trip over the weekend and these two days had been tremendously busy. suddenly, a flurry of events occured... and we had to rush through the final preparations for the end of the course next week. report writings, interviewing students, and so on. but i must say that i do find the hectic schedule very meaningful and purposeful. the interactions with my students and seeing how their face light up during these interactions certainly gave me the motivation to push on.

and today, i was very pleasantly surprised when one of my students came to my office and gave me a bag of snacks and a souvenir from tokyo. also, one of the support staff whom i had supervised came up to my office and gave me a pack of japanese post cards. rather touched by their gestures. they remembered me when they were there... so sweeeeeettt!

:-)

worms

arghhhh! so irritating. got a infected by an msn worm two nites ago... and it was becos i was too quick to click on a file sent via the msn. and now i have trouble trying to get rid of it! anyone can help?

:-(