Been more than 3 months since I suggested the break and frankly, I have not gotten over him. I still miss him terribly and glimpses of him in the house still flashed pass me whenever I see his things. I am constantly reminded of him, the smells in the house, his belongings that is still lying all over the house, his clothes, his bags, his books, and all his letters that are still coming in daily. Although I was the one who decided to move on, it seemed to me that I am the one who is still not able to get over him. Ironic. Many a times, I would recall my close friends reminding me that it is no use getting nostalgic and sentimental about things for I have decided to move on. Yet, on the other hand, whenever I see his things, recieve his letters, etc, I get reminded of him. Whatever the case, I have to manage myself. I have to be strong and move on.
Jan 2006 - Reflecting 2005
2005 had been a defining year for me in all aspects - personal, work, home, health etc. I have ended 2005 with him moving out of our house after living together for 7 years. Ironically, even though I was the one who initiated the break-up on 1 Nov last year, I had not expected myself to be so affected... even until now. Occasionally, the feeling of missing him would just hit me from no where and I would break into tears. Since he left the house, I had not dare to sleep with the lights off. Not sure why, but I felt very insecure. My insomnia has got worst. His smell still lingers in the bed. Nonetheless, I have to move on. I have to also make all efforts to reach out to him. I would still like to be his friend. He has treated me coldly thus far. My smses has been either ignored or responded late and with monosyllabic answers most of the time. But I understand his anger, I understand his pains. I can only apologise.
Dec 2005 - To those who've crossed my path
To all those who have made a positive impact in my life, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.To those whom I have hurt, I am sorry, I assure you, it was never intentional.To those whom I have loved, you are still in my heart, you will always be... Breaking up... is so hard to do... haiz...
Nov 2005 - Coming to terms
While it was not easy to say out the words - I wanna move on - it is even more difficult to untangle all the knots that we have tied over the last 6 plus years. I don't even know what's mine or what's his after so long. Must start somewhere, but don't know where to start.... really. Whatever the case, it has been most emotional for me these few days. Hard to talk to friends, even more hard to keep a straight face and behaving normally with him (considering we are staying together and I have no intentions to ask him to leave, chosing instead to let him decide if he wishes to). For the first time, he did not kiss me when he leaves for work, his smses to me become very rare and even if he does sms, they sound very neutral and to the point, he sleeps so much, etc. Am still crying whenever I am alone. Cannot help but also felt a sense of nostalgia (and perhaps a sense of guilt) when I look at his face in the middle of the night. For I myself am feeling the after-effects of a break up although I was the one who initiated it. Then again, I have convinced myself that in the longer run, this is probably the best arrangement. Perhaps too in this way, he will not be tracked by my security office anymore. And that he can also now wholeheartedly pursue his dreams of being who's who in his field of work. And to top it off, we both behave rather normally in front of each other. Am very concern about him and how he is taking it yet I myself am not taking it too well. Amidst all these emotional swings, I do find solace and strength from some of MY friends who gave me words of strength. Also realised that with the break, somehow his friends (which have over time become our friends) have started to become his friends (only) again. Really hope this transition phase will pass quickly. I would like to continue being best of friends with him and things seemed to be heading towards that direction. And I am thankful and hopeful about it. He is still and will always be very very dear to me. And for now, I can only say - I am sorry.
01 Nov 2005 - Managing Friends
1 Nov - Time to move on after 6 and a half years. Not easy and I reckon the coming few weeks would be really tough - for him, for me, for all of us. It has been really traumatic for me to do it for I still love him deeply. Yet, I must move on in the interest of both of us in the longer term.Finding it really tough today when I broke the news and never never ever would I expect that it was even tougher to manage his (our) friends than to manage him. I felt really intruded upon by an outsider when I was taken to task for not telling them before I actually break the news. I had not preplanned the break up date/ time. I knew it was coming. I saw it coming but I did not planned for it to happen at an exact date/ time. It just felt appropriate this morning. Things are just not so text book and sequential. I was chided for not keeping the promise of providing early notice. Then again, early notice to me meant being early enough for them to be there for him when the news finally sink in and not to preempt when I will actually tell him. But I guess this was not to be understood by his (our) friends. Perhaps I have not communicated my intentions clearly enough to them or perhaps I have placed to much faith in friends and that I have assumed they would understand and be there to support us - not just him but me included. Then again, perhaps it was bad judgement on my part, for they seemed to place too much hooha over the exact date/ time that I break the news rather than see it from the perspective that the support I need from them would be a long drawn one. So what if I had told them of the time I am gonna break the news (not that I could in the first place)? Wouldn't it be even more horrible for him to have his friends call him and try to console him of the break up once I broke the news? If I were him, I certainly would feel super lousy to know that I was the last to know about it. Perhaps I should see it positively that their response reflected their concern for him. From this angle, I have to thank them for it. Whatever the case, trying to seek friends' support in this world is so bloody challenging. I guess I have to manage this on my own henceforth. Once again, I have failed to understand the age old lesson that in life, always rely on no one except yourself.
Jan 2006 - Reflecting 2005
2005 had been a defining year for me in all aspects - personal, work, home, health etc. I have ended 2005 with him moving out of our house after living together for 7 years. Ironically, even though I was the one who initiated the break-up on 1 Nov last year, I had not expected myself to be so affected... even until now. Occasionally, the feeling of missing him would just hit me from no where and I would break into tears. Since he left the house, I had not dare to sleep with the lights off. Not sure why, but I felt very insecure. My insomnia has got worst. His smell still lingers in the bed. Nonetheless, I have to move on. I have to also make all efforts to reach out to him. I would still like to be his friend. He has treated me coldly thus far. My smses has been either ignored or responded late and with monosyllabic answers most of the time. But I understand his anger, I understand his pains. I can only apologise.
Dec 2005 - To those who've crossed my path
To all those who have made a positive impact in my life, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.To those whom I have hurt, I am sorry, I assure you, it was never intentional.To those whom I have loved, you are still in my heart, you will always be... Breaking up... is so hard to do... haiz...
Nov 2005 - Coming to terms
While it was not easy to say out the words - I wanna move on - it is even more difficult to untangle all the knots that we have tied over the last 6 plus years. I don't even know what's mine or what's his after so long. Must start somewhere, but don't know where to start.... really. Whatever the case, it has been most emotional for me these few days. Hard to talk to friends, even more hard to keep a straight face and behaving normally with him (considering we are staying together and I have no intentions to ask him to leave, chosing instead to let him decide if he wishes to). For the first time, he did not kiss me when he leaves for work, his smses to me become very rare and even if he does sms, they sound very neutral and to the point, he sleeps so much, etc. Am still crying whenever I am alone. Cannot help but also felt a sense of nostalgia (and perhaps a sense of guilt) when I look at his face in the middle of the night. For I myself am feeling the after-effects of a break up although I was the one who initiated it. Then again, I have convinced myself that in the longer run, this is probably the best arrangement. Perhaps too in this way, he will not be tracked by my security office anymore. And that he can also now wholeheartedly pursue his dreams of being who's who in his field of work. And to top it off, we both behave rather normally in front of each other. Am very concern about him and how he is taking it yet I myself am not taking it too well. Amidst all these emotional swings, I do find solace and strength from some of MY friends who gave me words of strength. Also realised that with the break, somehow his friends (which have over time become our friends) have started to become his friends (only) again. Really hope this transition phase will pass quickly. I would like to continue being best of friends with him and things seemed to be heading towards that direction. And I am thankful and hopeful about it. He is still and will always be very very dear to me. And for now, I can only say - I am sorry.
01 Nov 2005 - Managing Friends
1 Nov - Time to move on after 6 and a half years. Not easy and I reckon the coming few weeks would be really tough - for him, for me, for all of us. It has been really traumatic for me to do it for I still love him deeply. Yet, I must move on in the interest of both of us in the longer term.Finding it really tough today when I broke the news and never never ever would I expect that it was even tougher to manage his (our) friends than to manage him. I felt really intruded upon by an outsider when I was taken to task for not telling them before I actually break the news. I had not preplanned the break up date/ time. I knew it was coming. I saw it coming but I did not planned for it to happen at an exact date/ time. It just felt appropriate this morning. Things are just not so text book and sequential. I was chided for not keeping the promise of providing early notice. Then again, early notice to me meant being early enough for them to be there for him when the news finally sink in and not to preempt when I will actually tell him. But I guess this was not to be understood by his (our) friends. Perhaps I have not communicated my intentions clearly enough to them or perhaps I have placed to much faith in friends and that I have assumed they would understand and be there to support us - not just him but me included. Then again, perhaps it was bad judgement on my part, for they seemed to place too much hooha over the exact date/ time that I break the news rather than see it from the perspective that the support I need from them would be a long drawn one. So what if I had told them of the time I am gonna break the news (not that I could in the first place)? Wouldn't it be even more horrible for him to have his friends call him and try to console him of the break up once I broke the news? If I were him, I certainly would feel super lousy to know that I was the last to know about it. Perhaps I should see it positively that their response reflected their concern for him. From this angle, I have to thank them for it. Whatever the case, trying to seek friends' support in this world is so bloody challenging. I guess I have to manage this on my own henceforth. Once again, I have failed to understand the age old lesson that in life, always rely on no one except yourself.
2 comments:
Moving on with life after a breakup is never easy... guess we are on the same boat somehow. Life still goes on, people come and go.. I wish you the best. I am sure that you'll find that piece of heaven somewhere soon. :)
gosh i've been so ignorant!
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