burger queen

on the first day of new year, went to burger king for dinner. there was a long queue. the store was managed by 2 employees. malay (to be expected given it's chinese new year). and boy oh boy... just look at their face - long. black. hardly any smiles. they were both so grouchy... almost like they were both having a bad bad case of pms at the same time. if it had not been for my hunger, i would have avoided them! guess it must have been the extra stress of having to serve a long never ending queue, clean the table, etc etc etc... and they were obviously heavily underhanded!

:-)

cny 2010 vs valentines 2010

received an sms from my second sis telling me that cny 2010 will fall on 14 feb. tis is gonna be interesting. dating couples/ couples intending to celebrate valentines will probably find themselves with no where to go for their romantic dinners! and given the imptce many chinese placed on cny as well as the reunion dinners, chances are that valentines will occur way way ahead or way way after cny!

dating couples wanna celebrate reunion dinner cum valentines dinner together?

hmmmm...

cny 2009

been a very quiet chinese new year this year. new year's eve was about paying respects to my dad and housecleaning followed by reunion dinner with bee. this year, mum had her reunion with my bro. also, through the new year, it was nothing but eating and sleeping throughout. no one to visit and no one visited me until last evening when my 2nd sis came over and i went over to larry's place.

otherwise, the usual traditions of hosting relatives on behalf of my dad on the second day did not materialise. i understood from my mum that they had instead visited my brother. shall not and will not make any assumptions from this. i guess things will find its equilibrium somehow. and to me personally, being more introverted, i am also not too keen to interact with people and their visiting my brother allowed me some peace. and of cos, there is no more need to answer questions like "aiyah, you so old already still have not get married... when is your turn?..." la la la...

it's back to work. and so for me, chinese new year 2009 has technically come and gone.

:-)

no momentum

the 4-day break is a really good spoiler for the momentum built-up over the last week. today, it is so difficult to crank start the engine all over again! and in the morning, met some colleagues at the coffee shop... it was close to 9.30am (yes, i went late cos i had physio)... and they expressed the same - no mood la... everybody around all switched off...

heh heh... looked like i was not the only one!

happy lunar new year!

gong xi fa cai!

end of first week

it's been a busy week. the energies demanded of me from my interactions with my students left me drained almost everyday. but i am glad it happened. it's a good start. but in a large way, it energizes me and gives me something to look forward to daily.

:-)

death birth spring

today is an interesting day. events happening yet need to calibrate my presence, participation. out of respect for my dad, out of respect for my friends, and out of respect for chinese traditions.

• death - went to the block of my friends' father wake. did not visit the wake per se. but met him at the main road to pass him the pek kim (literal translation from hokkien - white gold - monies or cash contributions to the bereaved).

• birth - been invited to ice cream james' daughter's first month celebrations. will drop by the pass him the ang pow later too.

• spring - can see that everyone around me are busy cleaning their house, buying stuff, shopping, cooking, and so on. but for me, it's no celebrations. out of respect for my dad. then again, i reckon there is absolutely nothing to stop me from wishing my friends, relatives, and so on well.

in the span of a day, i experience death, birth and spring...

traction

went to my physiotherapist this morning for a review of my knee problem... seemed like it's getting better. and told her of my neck problem too. she noted that it has worsened and put me on traction again. and after that hot pack to loosen the muscles around my neck and shoulder. certainly felt better after the treatment...

:-)

course started!

the course has finally started. and so, it was a whole day of non-stop lectures and briefings. needed to do sit through the lesson in order to know what my students are going through. and after all the briefings, it was another round of training. lasted till 7pm! coupled with the stupid headache, i was totally drained by the time the day ended! then again, looking at it positively, the tight schedule meant that time passed very quickly!

:-)

painful

the pain around my neck has kinda subsided, but the throbbing headache still lingers. in fact, whenever i turn my neck at a certain angle, the pain shoots to my head. right side, somewhere inside. just cannot pinpoint exactly where. fearing the possibility that it might be a stroke, i called kl this morning. and i was relieved when he told me that based on my description, it sounded more like the worsening of my cervical spondylosis instead. have had this problem since 1999 and based on the x-ray i took last year, it was so obvious that my neck had degenerated so much more (compared to my x-ray in 1999).

it was a weird feeling - on one hand, glad that my headache was not likely due to an impending stroke, yet, couldn't help it but felt worried that my cervical spondylosis has worsened... i got me wondering if i need an operation... sighs. for now, i'll have to endure the headache. hopefully, the coming mri on 9 feb will give me some clarity as to how bad the problem is.

:-(

i can't sleep!

it's weird... once again, i can't sleep. my mind's too active!
arghhh!

what a week...

i am now looking at a letter opener that ks gave me for my 18th birthday. on it was inscribed "jefferey". and whenever i look at it, i would be reminded of him, and my disappointment when he gave it to me :-) he was the last person i had expected to spell my name wrongly. but this misspelling made this gift even more special. i had kept this letter opener all these years and would take it out once a while to look at it. to be reminded of him - my confidante, an elder brother i never had, or perhaps my alter-self... i don't know. it's been 21 years plus since we last saw each other. and this week, he appeared in my life again. his re-emergence caught me by surprise.

yes, it's been an interesting week... interesting for the fact that quite a bit of my past caught up with me. and other than ks, i also met tk this morning - another of my junior college pal. was walking towards feng shan market for breakfast with bee and bumped into tk. he's been living in the states for many years and had just arrived home early this morning for his chinese new year home visit. such coincidence. seemed like i always bump into him whenever he returns... ok, tk is another story...

anyway, yes, back to ks. his appearance over the past couple of days was one helluvan experience. the exchange of emails, coming out to him, talking about our past and so on... old memories that i had kept in a corner close to heart all came back. i was again reminded of the `group', the emotions, the anger, the jealousy, the sense of betrayal, of being ostracized, of being the subject of emotional abuse, and so on... and how i had made some wrong assumptions and had perhaps wrongly vented my anger on him eventually. 21 years of separation followed. in the last couple of days, all these memories came back again. but no, although i was reminded of these emotions, i don't feel them now. they had disappeared with time. what remains was the warmth and the familiarity of someone whom i was so close to during my college days. someone whom i had so look up to so much back then. and it still feel good communicating with him. with a bit of apprehension admittedly. it's been so long after all...

from the many emails that was received and replied over last couple of days, it seemed like he has not changed much. there is a lot of truth in the saying that it is easier to move mountains that for people's character to change. from our email correspondence, although i was able to read inconsistencies in his replies, i do not think he was lying per se. rather, i think it was a case of perhaps better leaving some things unsaid. those were the past after all. or perhaps he could possibly still feel a little uncomfortable to share emo stuff with me now that he knows i am gay. whatever the reasons, i i think i'm such an emotional sucker :-) on one hand, i'd say it's the past and that there's no need to revisit, but on the other hand, it felt so good bringing it up again. to reminisce, to be reminded again of things familiar, of things close to heart.

whatever the case, with age, i think we feel the need to revisit some parts of our past. for reasons only known to ourselves - closure, warmth, answers, whatever... and insofar as managing our communications, age and maturity helps. i think i am wiser now. clarity is necessary to prevent unnecessary misunderstandings. i think i have lost 21 years of quality friendship with ks due to lack of good communications leading to misunderstandings. a new window of opportunity to continue this friendship appeared this week. let's see if it can be sustained now that we are older - and perhaps more mature.

words women use

got the following from dennis's blog about key words women use and their meaning. and i smiled as i read them for i could see picture some gay men's behaviour when they use similar words...

• fine: this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

• five minutes: if she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

• nothing: this is the calm before the storm. this means something, and you should be on your toes. arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fire.

• go ahead: this is a dare, not permission. don't do it!

• loud sigh: this is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. a loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

• that's okay: this is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. that's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. bottom line - that's not okay from your perspective!

• thanks: a woman is thanking you, do not question, or feint. just say "you're welcome". (i want to add in a clause here - this is true, unless she says 'thanks a lot' - that is pure sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. do not say "you're welcome" . that will bring on a 'whatever'... and by this she means... see #8).

• whatever: is a woman's way of saying f---k you!

• don't worry about it, i got it: another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. this will later result in a man asking 'what's wrong?' and when this happens, the woman's response would be... refer to #3.
  

:-)

painful!

did not run much earlier, most of the time, i walked. till now, the pain still has not lessen... in fact, whenever i turn my neck, the pain triggers off an bolt of pain in my head. and so, i am forced to keep my head at an angle... argh!!! so painful! and so irritating! think i'll sleep early tonight!

:-(

no chinese new year

will not be celebrating chinese new year this year. not right to be doing so especially when my dad just left us less than half a year ago. so, this year, i will not be doing the annual routine of hosting my relatives during chinese new year. have taken the initiative to play host to them for my dad over the last (lost count) number of years... this was to relieve my mum of all the cooking and the preparations etc... perhaps this tradition too will pass now that my dad is gone.

well, let's see what happens next year. but for now, no ang chai over my door, no new year decorations at home, no celebrations, no visits, no giving of ang pows (hokkien for red packets, or 红包) and so on... yup, am not married and not `qualified' to give ang pows by tradition. but the fact remains that i have godchildren and symbolically, i have the role of a god-dad to play. also, if anyone invites me to their house, it would only be right to advise them that it is still less than a year of his demise and that if they are pantang (malay for superstitious), i will not visit them... this is a tricky business cos when you ask such thing, even if people are pantang, they will say it's ok...

hmmm, tough call.

ouch again!

damned it... my right upper body has gone screwed up again! and it has worsened over the last 2hours... thought it'll loosen up with some stretching but it got worst instead! totally hate this feeling. time for muscle relaxants and pain killers! hope it'll be better by late afternoon. had made an appointment to pick lk up for a run at east coast.

sighs...

living life

would you prefer to lie on your death bed a materially rich person but have siamed your way through life's harshness, or that you have focused your life so much at work you forgot about people around you... or would you prefer to die a person who have experienced every possible highs as well as every possible knocks that life may throw at you? for me, i would prefer the latter. my experiencing the knocks would allow me to fully appreciate the highs.

in short, i have experienced life and by that, i can say, i have lived my life to the fullest.

final preparations

it's been a busy two days... all the last minute rush to get things ready and to complete all the briefings before the course starts this coming monday... yesterday, it was a continuous whole day of briefings on leadership matters, and today, it was briefings on security studies and international relations matters la la la... you know, it's kinda like the last minute gabra (malay for `panic') syndrome. every module designer wanted to have their airtime! and of cos, i have to sit thru the briefings.

excused myself for my physiotherapy treatment this morning and after that, managed to get my students to convene a little session for me to brief them on some admin stuff. it was my first time meeting them and so, it was kinda interesting to see them, know them and hear their views about the course etc. in a way, interacting with students invigorates me. i really look forward to the start of the course next week.

in addition, i also conducted a concept briefing to my faculty staff about the workshop i was supposed to design. wanted to do this today in order to get some clarity before i proceed to work out the details. and i was glad i did. as expected, there was so many different opinions and all were conflicting... the intense discussion that followed was certainly useful. i managed to get some closure in the issues and am now clearer about the direction ahead.

:-)

coming out to ks

well, finally came out to ks. fast huh? then again, thought it's only fair to do so. will leave it to him to decide if he wants to continue this contact.

you see, the emails have been coming rather fast. i also find myself checking my emails for his replies these two days. there is just so much vacuum through these years and i look forward to find out more about him. and with every mail, it gets more and more difficult not to tell him about me. and finally he asked this evening... the reasons behind my singlehood. it would be really regretful if he choose not to reply but then again, it's a choice i wish for him to exercise.

and after replying, i felt relieved. why? perhaps i still see him as someone i treasure. perhaps. perhaps. and no, not in a romantic way. in a very buddy way.

woooooooo

the weather has been very weird of late. the winds had been blowing very strongly throughout the day. at night, the howling can be so loud, it disrupts my sleep. and to make things uncomfortable, the winds are rather chilly, the kinda chill that gets into your bones... and i think sapphie feels it too cos she gladly keeps the towel over her when she sleeps instead of pulling it away.

weird weird... wonder how long more this howling chilly winds' gonna last! for now, it goes woooooooooo....

then again, looking on the bright side, i can sleep with my fan on the low, saves electricity. also, i can just open my sliding doors and all the dog's fur will fly out of the house... cuts down my efforts to consistently sweep my floor. and of course, my laundry dries very fast!

:-)

ks aka roger

today, my past revisited me. sometime late morning, 1022am to be exact, i received a call from a number that i didn't recognize. it was not me to answer calls from unknown callers. but somehow, i decided to pick this call. the person asked for me and then asked me to guess who he is. admittedly, i felt a little annoyed. never liked being put in such a situation - answer correctly u're ok, but if u answer wrongly, u risk being teased or worst, make the opposite party feel offended.

anyway, i curtly answered - sorry, i've never been good at guessing so you better tell me who you are. and promptly the reply came - "i'm roger". there was a momentary silence. admittedly, i was dumbfounded for a split second... and once i regained myself, we exchanged some pleasantries. and i admit it was rather awkward. it was a sudden reminder of someone whom i had been very close to during my college days and all the angst that follow and how we eventually parted ways. on hindsight, it was rather drama. till then, i had never met anyone whom i was able to share so much and spent so much time with in my life. i was not aware of my sexuality at that time. but all i knew was that we got along very well and he was the first person whom i had very intense feelings for. so, is he my `first love'? maybe, maybe not. hmmm... anyway, we maintained a secret `relationship' that escaped our common friend's eyes. our `relationship' lasted till i went to sent him off for his national service. things got complicated when there were common friends and we eventually drifted. the last time we met was when we were in uni first year (aug/sep 1987). these were things that i had put away for a long time. and all of a sudden, here he is again... now married with 2 kids. he too felt awkward. the conversation lasted no more than 3-4min. and soon enough, he told me that we should correspond thru email (yes, i know it is weird, but i guess email is the best way as it allows us to `talk', organise/ reorganise our thoughts properly before clicking `sent').

so we hung up. and just today alone, we have exchanged 2 emails. rather lengthy ones. thru the mails, he admitted he felt awkward to be contacting me again after all these years but decided to do so. i replied similar. and i could sense the very quick warming up from our email content. in reading his emails, and in my response, i could also sense there were many things that he wanted to say (not too sure if i am too sensitive) but had not made explicit... and certainly, the content of our emails was not typical of what simple friends would write to each other and, not to mention, what men would put in writing. kinda emo and kinda mushy. somehow, there was some kind of depth, yet not expressed... well, not too sure how to describe it. but given that he is not aware of my being gay, i decided to just leave things as it is and not go into the details altho i have hinted it.

am not sure how things are going, but i guess if the opportunity arises, i will come out to him. it's perhaps the right thing to do. and it would perhaps be something that i should make it clear so that there would be no misunderstandings between us. and, i supposed there is nothing to lose for me right? after all he has disappeared from my life for the last 21 plus years. and disappearing again would probably not make me miss him much more than how i had felt when we separated. hmmm...

will write about him sometime...

scheduled for mri

my arms had been progressively weakening over the last 10 yrs, more so over the last couple of months. and finally during my specialist check up today, i was advised to go for an mri of my neck. and so, the date has been booked. 9 feb.

israel vs hamas

thinking aloud - why does the whole world sits up and condemn isreal's operations while they never bat an eyelid when hamas shot rockets consistently into israel killing israeli women and children.

happiness

"everyone has a right to their happiness. nobody should have the power to take you happiness away. don't give anyone that power."

read this from kenneth's facebook status update. actually, i have read it somewhere before. but having gone thru what i went through over the past many years, this sentence resonates even more now. it all boils down to the individual.

:-)

jan so far...

omg! time flies! it's already into the second week of jan 09! the course has not started and things are still rather slow. but it'll change come 19 jan. but till then, it's preparation, preparation, and more preparation... frankly, i am looking forward to the start of the course. my inspiration and drive has always been my students. also, sitting in office and doing desk work can be very boring.

for this year (or rather, until i leave my organisation in 1 aug 09), as an `old bird' (singaporean slant for a seasoned person, a person with experience), i have been given several tasks. firstly, i have to draft the management plan of the course that i had managed in 2007. the catch here is that there is a concurrent review and restructuring of this course and it has been tasked to another colleague of mine. and i am supposed to write the management plan of this restructured course... hmmmm... secondly, i am supposed to redesign 2 workshops... and based on my asking around, the objectives for redesigning these workshops are unclear. these will probably be my most challenging tasks cos without a clarity of the objectives, i will probably end up going round and round guessing what the boss wants. and frankly, i think my boss himself is also not very clear of what he wants... so...

well, i'll take things as it comes. don't think there is anything that cannot be done. was telling bee yesterday that if i wanna play punk and not do anything, no one can do anything to me. it will not affect me in any way cos i'll be leaving my organisation after aug 09. and even if i were to deliver something really good, there is not gonna be any rewards in terms of performance bonus whatsoever... then again, as i have mentioned previously, i am working for my own pride. it's an attitude thing. and for that, i will make sure i deliver what i have to deliver and that i leave my organisation with my good name and reputation intact.

:-)

large

for the first time in my life...

i bought a large size running shorts...

hmmmm...

:-)

and the scary part was - it fitted very very very nicely... not even any extra space for future expansion!

steriod injection

finally went to see the doctor aka kl my friend this morning. been advised to rest my arm. had steriods injected into my elbow. hope it heals well. also, been put on asthma medication again. need to do so in order to manage my asthma that seemed to be coming back over the past month.

two boats

earlier, a friend smsed me telling me that he is in love with someone. the issue is that he is attached and that this other person is also attached. and so he is very confused now. here is someone whom he connects well with - the chemistry and all... and then there is his bf whom he mentioned has some character flaws...

his sharing reminded me so much of myself in 2005. and i fully understand what he is going through. this story has been told to me by several friends over the past years. it amazing how common such things happen and i am seeing a pattern...

anyway, my advise to him is to reflect on this situation of his - why and how did he and his bf reach this state of affairs? what was it that made him lost the chemistry with his bf? have they gotten so use to one another that they have taken each other for granted? what is it in the chemistry that he is experiencing with this new chap that he has not been able to experience with his bf? how long as he been with this new chap? is this time long enough for him to fully understand him (this new chap), and to see/ feel his flaws? and so on...

told him he must do some soul-searching himself, decide what's good vs what's right, and move forward in life. think he has the answer, but he is afraid to face it. whatever the case, he also should talk to his bf about it and decide how to move forward...

i wish him well. i really do.

pat

met up with pat - an ex-colleague, or rather, a friend - earlier on. been wanting to meet up and have dinner with her since 2 years ago when i came out to her. but due to my procrastination (yes, again!), it just did not happen... anyway, it was good that i lost my phone recently. as a result of asking for numbers and sending out emails, i managed to get in touch with friends like pat again. and i was reminded of the long awaited dinner and a date was arranged on the spot! heh heh...

we had dinner at west coast plaza (old ginza plaza). food was nice. and wat was nicer was the company. used to work in the same department as her 6 years back. and following my posting to another set-up in 2004, we parted ways. have not met her since and yes, there was indeed a lot of things to catch up with her. and i must really give it to her. cos she has this way of making me feel comfortable. comfortable enough to share about my life. and we ended up with having coffee and chatting further about life and stuff.

it was certainly an enjoyable and very refreshing evening.

:-)

weakening hands

for my right arm, my tennis elbow refused to go away since early oct 08. in fact, it has deteriorated to the point where i can hardly move my arm and fingers without feeling pain and weak, even for typing my keyboard. for my left arm, things seemed ok... at least until this afternoon in office when i noted a general weakness on my hand and that i could not use my little finger to press the `ctrl' key while stretching my thumb to press the other keys (such as `p' or `b') at the same time... the whole hand just seemed so weak...

wonder why this is so...

:-(

where is matt?

watching this makes me smile...

and then when i see him apologize to singapore for his supposedly lame shots, i smiled even more... and i am sharing it here so that you can smile too!

ps: look out for the very last 0.5sec of the second video! hahaha!

the law of the garbage truck

my first post for 2009 and decided to post this story. something i read from blowing wind and i thought it is very meaningful. and very in line with my blog title... :-)

***

how often do you let other people's nonsense change your mood? do you let a bad driver, rude waiter, curt boss, or an insensitive employee ruin your day? unless you're the terminator, for an instant you're probably set back on your heels.

however, the mark of a successful person is how quickly she can get back her focus on what's important. sixteen years ago i learned this lesson. i learned it in the back of a new york city taxi cab. here's what happened.

i hopped in a taxi, and we took off for grand central station. we were driving in the right lane when, all of a sudden, a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. my taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car's back end by just inches! the driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and he started yelling bad words at us. my taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. and i mean he was friendly.

so, i said, "why did you just do that? this guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" and this is when my taxi driver told me what i now call, "the law of the garbage truck." many people are like garbage trucks. they run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. as their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it. and if you let them, they'll dump it on you. when someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally. you just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. you'll be happy you did. so this was it: the "law of the garbage truck.” i started thinking, how often do i let garbage trucks run right over me? and how often do i take their garbage and spread it to other people: at work, at home, on the streets? it was that day i said, "i'm not going to do it anymore."

i began to see garbage trucks. like in the movie "the sixth sense," the little boy said, "i see dead people." well, now i see garbage trucks. i see the load they're carrying. i see them coming to drop it off. and like my taxi driver, i don't make it a personal thing; i just smile, wave, wish them well, and i move on. one of my favorite football players of all time, walter payton, did this every day on the football field. he would jump up as quickly as he hit the ground after being tackled. he never dwelled on a hit. payton was ready to make the next play his best.

good leaders know they have to be ready for their next meeting. good parents know that they have to welcome their children home from school with hugs and kisses. leaders and parents know that they have to be fully present, and at their best for the people they care about. the bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.

what about you? what would happen in your life, starting today, if you let more garbage trucks pass you by? here's my bet. you'll be happier. life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so... love the people who treat you right. forget about the ones who don't. believe that everything happens for a reason. if you get a chance, take it! if it changes your life, let it! nobody said it would be easy... they just promised it would be worth it!