So much for the eye-catching title. This will probably be my last entry for this year - a year of recovery and growth for me. Too much have happened since my last entry and have decided to pen what comes to my mind now.
Family
Dad has yet again gone in and out of hospital. Well, not without another scare though. He went into a state of hypoglycaemia again two months back. This time, it was in the morning and I luckily decided to take a day’s leave for a break. Went out for breakfast with Su How and as I drove into the car park at Siglap, I got a call telling me that my dad has collapsed in his sleep and could not be woken up. An ambulance was called and again, he escaped death by a mere few minutes. He managed to recover after a few days in the hospital. I surprised myself by being so composed through the whole evacuation and I was even able to guide the SCDF medic in his administering of the IV and pre-empting him about my dad getting violent etc.
As for mum, she had a little scare too when she went for her colonoscopy as the scope showed blood swellings in her large intestines. Initially suspected it could be cancer-related or piles. After a series of tests and another colonoscopy last month, she was given a clean bill of health today when she went for her review.
Well, I guess these occurrences are to be expected especially when both of my parents in their mid-70s. Let’s hope that 2007 will be a good and healthy year for them both.
Friends
This year, my closer AJ friends at work have slowly lessen contacts with each other. This, in part, was due to the fact that a few have chosen to leave my organisation after being out-ed. They have decided that it was just not logical to be working for an organisation that continues to sideline us.
But on the brighter side, I have made some new and very nice friends. These are friends of Su How and whom I hang out with rather often over the last few months. Their age ranges from early 20s to late 30s. This made me the oldest amongst them. I am thankful that they have embraced me as part of their clique so naturally. I look forward to interacting more with them in the months to come.
Work
Life has largely reverted to normal and I have not been disturbed by my security office significantly this year. Nonetheless, their presence have always been felt as I have to update them of my visits overseas. The usual drill for me as part of my agreement with my security office. Seemed kind of irrational as far as I am concerned but guess I have to abide by it since I have decided to stay on till end-2008. Many a times, I feel no different from a prostitute. Working and forgoing all my personal rights and constantly living in psychological stress because of the money. Ironic that an organisation that places Ethics as one of its tenets have resorted to systematically witch-hunt and marginalised people like us this way in the name of image, confidence and security.
Health
I consider 2006 a recovery/ healthy year for me despite the fact that I suffered a series of non-stop flu almost every 2 months. This was perhaps expected as I had stopped running since I suffered a hairline fracture to my ankle last year. Well, my ankle has almost fully recovered and I am now able to do short runs without suffering any pains. Also, my irregular hearbeats, chest pains, epilepsy, asthma and other health problems that surfaced in 2005 have not relapse. My urine & blood tests had also shown normal readings for lipids, sugars, protein etc. And that was a good sign.
Self, etc
Celebrated my 40th birthday last week. Su How was really nice to arrange a birthday dinner for me with some of our friends. It seemed like I have never really had a proper birthday celebration with my friends for the longest time ever. My birthdays over the past 6 years had always been with James. And that was all that mattered to me then. Nothing beats spending birthdays with the one you love so much. It’s been more than a year since I asked him to let me go. It was for the better of both of us. There was just too much gap between us after all these years. I cannot wait for him to make time to me anymore. We have stopped growing as a couple. Also, I feel I have begun to come in way of his career progression. I cannot afford to do it, especially not with the possibility of my security office constantly hounding me/ us. It will not be fair for him to share this burden too.
I also reflected, on my 40th birthday, on people who had been a part of my life, what I had achieved, who I had interacted with over the last 40 years, etc. Seemed like every drop of sweat and blood that I have put in for my organisation over the past 20 over years has come to a nought since being out-ed by my security office in Apr last year. For me now, my responsibility at work is, first and foremost, to myself, my pride, my students and my school. I abide by my code of conduct as a teaching staff of my school. However, I do say that my responsibility to my organisation certainly did not resonate so much after that defining moment last year. For my personal life, James featured big time in my reflections. Somehow cannot but still miss him so much. He has been in my mind daily. Till date, he's been keeping the distance. Guess I'd hurt him too much. Su How mentioned that we are like a divorced couple – me having custody of our dog and he coming over so often to pick her up for an outing. Still, he chose to avoid open conversation with me. SMS is the primary mode of our correspondences now. Have many a times wanted to ask him out for a meal or a show but somehow decided against it for I am sure he will not agree to it. Will let him initiate, if he ever will. Also, his things remained in my house.
Yesterday, I brought my mum for a medical appointment. I chanced upon a self-help/ information brochure that spoke about anxiety and anxiety-related problems. I struck me that many of the health-problems (such as suspected epilepsy, chest pains, stress, fear of going to work, insomnia, emotional and psychological stress/ problems etc) that I had experienced over the last year and some till now are all anxiety-related. As I read, it mentioned that the cause could usually be traced to a trauma of sorts. Then, it struck me that all my health related problems could be traced to my being out-ed by my security office. The sense of betrayal and anger returned momentarily. This was made worst when I received news that two of my friends have also been called up in recent weeks. All these made me I feel tremendously helpless.
I have 2 more years left with my organisation. I will continue to give my best in these remaining two years. I will continue to give my best and be professional at work. That, is the least I can do for the organisation that pays me.
Doesn’t that make me I sound like a prostitute?
2006 has seen many new developments in my life, my health, my family and the people around me. I hope 2007 will be smooth and healthy one for me.
Merry Christmas to one and all and Happy 2007 too.
PS: Just for the records, I made quite a bit of holidays/ overseas trips this year! Managed to go to Australia (Sydney), Thailand (Bangkok), Hong Kong SAR, Indonesia (Official visit and Exchange programme) and Malaysia!
Family
Dad has yet again gone in and out of hospital. Well, not without another scare though. He went into a state of hypoglycaemia again two months back. This time, it was in the morning and I luckily decided to take a day’s leave for a break. Went out for breakfast with Su How and as I drove into the car park at Siglap, I got a call telling me that my dad has collapsed in his sleep and could not be woken up. An ambulance was called and again, he escaped death by a mere few minutes. He managed to recover after a few days in the hospital. I surprised myself by being so composed through the whole evacuation and I was even able to guide the SCDF medic in his administering of the IV and pre-empting him about my dad getting violent etc.
As for mum, she had a little scare too when she went for her colonoscopy as the scope showed blood swellings in her large intestines. Initially suspected it could be cancer-related or piles. After a series of tests and another colonoscopy last month, she was given a clean bill of health today when she went for her review.
Well, I guess these occurrences are to be expected especially when both of my parents in their mid-70s. Let’s hope that 2007 will be a good and healthy year for them both.
Friends
This year, my closer AJ friends at work have slowly lessen contacts with each other. This, in part, was due to the fact that a few have chosen to leave my organisation after being out-ed. They have decided that it was just not logical to be working for an organisation that continues to sideline us.
But on the brighter side, I have made some new and very nice friends. These are friends of Su How and whom I hang out with rather often over the last few months. Their age ranges from early 20s to late 30s. This made me the oldest amongst them. I am thankful that they have embraced me as part of their clique so naturally. I look forward to interacting more with them in the months to come.
Work
Life has largely reverted to normal and I have not been disturbed by my security office significantly this year. Nonetheless, their presence have always been felt as I have to update them of my visits overseas. The usual drill for me as part of my agreement with my security office. Seemed kind of irrational as far as I am concerned but guess I have to abide by it since I have decided to stay on till end-2008. Many a times, I feel no different from a prostitute. Working and forgoing all my personal rights and constantly living in psychological stress because of the money. Ironic that an organisation that places Ethics as one of its tenets have resorted to systematically witch-hunt and marginalised people like us this way in the name of image, confidence and security.
Health
I consider 2006 a recovery/ healthy year for me despite the fact that I suffered a series of non-stop flu almost every 2 months. This was perhaps expected as I had stopped running since I suffered a hairline fracture to my ankle last year. Well, my ankle has almost fully recovered and I am now able to do short runs without suffering any pains. Also, my irregular hearbeats, chest pains, epilepsy, asthma and other health problems that surfaced in 2005 have not relapse. My urine & blood tests had also shown normal readings for lipids, sugars, protein etc. And that was a good sign.
Self, etc
Celebrated my 40th birthday last week. Su How was really nice to arrange a birthday dinner for me with some of our friends. It seemed like I have never really had a proper birthday celebration with my friends for the longest time ever. My birthdays over the past 6 years had always been with James. And that was all that mattered to me then. Nothing beats spending birthdays with the one you love so much. It’s been more than a year since I asked him to let me go. It was for the better of both of us. There was just too much gap between us after all these years. I cannot wait for him to make time to me anymore. We have stopped growing as a couple. Also, I feel I have begun to come in way of his career progression. I cannot afford to do it, especially not with the possibility of my security office constantly hounding me/ us. It will not be fair for him to share this burden too.
I also reflected, on my 40th birthday, on people who had been a part of my life, what I had achieved, who I had interacted with over the last 40 years, etc. Seemed like every drop of sweat and blood that I have put in for my organisation over the past 20 over years has come to a nought since being out-ed by my security office in Apr last year. For me now, my responsibility at work is, first and foremost, to myself, my pride, my students and my school. I abide by my code of conduct as a teaching staff of my school. However, I do say that my responsibility to my organisation certainly did not resonate so much after that defining moment last year. For my personal life, James featured big time in my reflections. Somehow cannot but still miss him so much. He has been in my mind daily. Till date, he's been keeping the distance. Guess I'd hurt him too much. Su How mentioned that we are like a divorced couple – me having custody of our dog and he coming over so often to pick her up for an outing. Still, he chose to avoid open conversation with me. SMS is the primary mode of our correspondences now. Have many a times wanted to ask him out for a meal or a show but somehow decided against it for I am sure he will not agree to it. Will let him initiate, if he ever will. Also, his things remained in my house.
Yesterday, I brought my mum for a medical appointment. I chanced upon a self-help/ information brochure that spoke about anxiety and anxiety-related problems. I struck me that many of the health-problems (such as suspected epilepsy, chest pains, stress, fear of going to work, insomnia, emotional and psychological stress/ problems etc) that I had experienced over the last year and some till now are all anxiety-related. As I read, it mentioned that the cause could usually be traced to a trauma of sorts. Then, it struck me that all my health related problems could be traced to my being out-ed by my security office. The sense of betrayal and anger returned momentarily. This was made worst when I received news that two of my friends have also been called up in recent weeks. All these made me I feel tremendously helpless.
I have 2 more years left with my organisation. I will continue to give my best in these remaining two years. I will continue to give my best and be professional at work. That, is the least I can do for the organisation that pays me.
Doesn’t that make me I sound like a prostitute?
2006 has seen many new developments in my life, my health, my family and the people around me. I hope 2007 will be smooth and healthy one for me.
Merry Christmas to one and all and Happy 2007 too.
PS: Just for the records, I made quite a bit of holidays/ overseas trips this year! Managed to go to Australia (Sydney), Thailand (Bangkok), Hong Kong SAR, Indonesia (Official visit and Exchange programme) and Malaysia!
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