2017 - year of work

i don't think i'll do a long post this time round (compared to previous years). 2017 will be known as the “year of work”. no second thoughts about it. after 2 years of crazy roller coaster rides, 2017 had been relatively quiet and boring in almost all aspects. and this was, to a large extent, due to the all-consuming work throughout the year. but it was a welcome change ironically. work was a necessary evil as i had started a new job and needed to learn on the run. it also provided me the legitimate excuse to run away from all the issues that happened in my personal life. and on this note, i shall start my annual reflection.

work/ professional development

i started the year telling myself i want to learn, and i want to give my best in my new job. i did. and more. my new job started in jan 17 and it was a superbly steep learning curve for me given that the scope of the job was huge, the people were new, and it was a totally new industry for me! it didn't help that i had very difficult people around me within my team - people who played politics, were not cooperative, resistant to change and who chose to align themselves to the previous lead's practises. it was really painful for me. but in perspective, the year started well. lots of learn and lots of support from the team and the bosses. it helped for the fact that everyone was very co-operative. added to this, the team rallied around me very strongly because i was able to engage them and reach out to them. this was a huge contrast to my predecessor that was very task-driven and had only focused all the attention on one particular person (and on a very personal basis as they were very close friends). as time passes, this person began to express frustrations about my management style - that i was not hard enough with the rest of the team, that i should be more like my predecessor and tell people to do, and if they don't to simply punish them. this was simply not my style. and after the inability to demand a change in my style of management, together with a couple of other frustrations (e.g. of not getting the attention needed, not getting the promotion, etc), this person left. i realised how much a trouble maker this person was after the departure as all the things that was swept and hidden under the carpet started to surface - processes messed up, budget mismanaged, etc. i was glad this person left. it was for the longer term good. anyway, for a good part of the last couple of months, i was hell busy covering the responsibilities of a couple of vacant headcount. i took them in stride and didn't pressure myself to hire anyone hastily. told myself i will recruit the right people for the job. very glad that as of now, two positions have been closed. one more to go. next year will definitely going to be a lot better.

bee

similar to last year, i didn't have many things to write about bee this year. i started off the year with little to no expectations and just wanted to do my part. things went relatively well and we had our frequent meet ups for meals. and one thing remained constant - he could never take time off to go for a break with me, even if it was for the weekend. it was frustrating to plan for trips consistently, just to end up with him pulling out in the end and with me going for the trip alone. things began to spiral downwards when he started to venture into a new business. increasingly, the time available got less and the neglect increase. it was rather unbearable at times, although i must say many a times i was able to use my own work to escape. work helped fill his absence and it helped somewhat. as for him, he didn't want to talk much about his work and i had to find out from others about what he's doing. didn't like this but this was just how things were. we hardly communicate anymore. everything about his these days are only about his work. it is in this context that friends came in important for me. my friends filled the gap this year whenever they could.

friends

i wanted to expand my social space and deepen my friendship at the start of 2017. in this area, i rate this aspect a “fail”. things didn't turn out as i had wished. in perspective, the year started well for me as my friends rallied around me when i changed jobs. for the first half year, the dinner meet ups were frequent and they would come all the way down to town for dinners and to catch up if i could not meet them closer to their workplace. and there were also lotsa activities including travelling to india to attend a wedding, movies, dinners, etc. anyway, time with friends peaked around jun but dipped subsequently due to both increased pressure from work and the unfortunate incident where i got angry with someone from the group i usually hang out with. and given the fact that i usually take a prolonged time to move on with such incidents, time with friends eventually took a lower priority in the second half of the year. it didn't helped that everyone also got busy with their respective work as the year picked up. eventually, the time together with friends began to taper downwards and the connections to my friends got looser towards the end of the year. these days, if i have any time, i would simply blast the whatsapp group and ask if anyone is free for dinner as it was almost impossible to have dinner with bee as he would be working. and often, i will end up eating alone.

but lest i trash myself too much about this, i must say that i did managed to make a couple of nice people from grindr. you see, with the extra me-time, i sought friendship online via grindr. i supposed within grindr, there were quite a few lonely souls who were looking and reaching out to people for friendship and to fill their own respective void. for the few that i got to know, it was interesting that i ended up some sorts of an uncle agony as they shared their issues about relationships and thoughts. and this, perhaps, is another gift I have that i had not previously mentioned - i am natural when it comes to coaching people about life. i have the natural tendency to want to reach out to people in trouble and to coach them. perhaps this is an extension or manifestation of my buddhist self. but the irony of it all was that i have quite a bit of my own challenges in my own personal life that i myself cannot manage. whatever.

personal life

i created this additional heading this year to capture how this year had impacted me personally. i kept to myself, increased my visits to the cemetery and went into the cyberworld - a world of make believe. you see, with increased me-time, lesser friends-time, and even lesser bee-time, i found my heading to places where i could escape to find the solace i need. and i found myself heading to spend time at the cemetery almost every other week. the cemetery is a quiet place and it felt very good to be able to visit my late parents' niche, even if my visits usually lasted less than 10-15minutes. the increased time to myself also meant i felt lonely often. and being somewhat an anti-social person, i invariably end up online. and so gay porn websites (such as pornhub, xtube, etc) and social media apps (such as instagram, tumblr, grindr, and to a lesser extent - jack'd and hornet) became my main escapes. these sites and apps allowed me an alternate world where i was able to indulge myself and to expire whatever frustrations or excess energies i had or needed to vent. in gay websites and tumblr, i indulge in lots and lots of porn - gay porn to be specific. and in instagram, i gained insights into how my friends spend their time, even as i flaunted my own daily experiences. and of cos, via gay social apps such as grindr, jack'd and hornet, i found my friendships. such were the escapes that featured in much of my me-time throughout the year. amidst all these, i had continued to avoid facebook as i didn't want to partake nor be aware of how bee continued to flaunt his selfies and his indulgence in praises from people online as he had done previously. do you think this is a very sad state of affairs? well, maybe. but i allowed me to keep myself sane and to cope with the pressures at work, the decreased time with friends and the increasing neglect by bee. 

health

i am not sure if i am depressed but i do often feel sad and have the tendency to withdraw into a world of my own. that aside, i thought i fared generally well in the areas of health and wellness, apart from one or two minor scares. the year started quite uneventfully. after so many years of back aches and pains, the orthopaedic specialist finally confirmed that i had a herniated disc and that was the main issue that was the cause of my constant back pains. the consciousness that i had a herniated disc made me a little more careful with myself when it came to posture, walking, exerting pressure on my back, etc. glad this consciousness helped although there were a couple of occasions where the back flared up. i also had quite a few bouts of near missed with flu and nasty issues but on the whole, i thought my health was ok. i half suspect this was the result of the high intensity of work where i was literally not able to fall sick. the adrenaline levels was just that high at work that it continued to push my limits. the thing about such adrenaline rush was that after every major activity, i would just collapse in total exhaustion. that, perhaps, was the only times where i was able to take a break - by falling temporarily sick. by the end of the year, i had totally burnt out. there was, however, a health scare mid year where one day where i felt a little stinking pain as i washed my foreskin. there was a little tear. i had this several times previously when i washed myself too roughly. such tears usually heal by itself after two day or so. but this time round, it didn't. the tear grew into a sore that grew larger and got inflamed. it freaked me out and i eventually sought medical help. the doctor told me i had been “too rough” but to make sure there was nothing more nasty, i was put through a hiv test. the test turned out negative. thankfully. there seemed to be a few things developing towards the end of the year - i've started developing a bad migraine since nov, i also noticed that my eyesight had deteriorated significantly in recent months, and there is also an increased inability to remember things/ forget things. anyway, i hope these issues don’t get any worst in the coming year.

bloggers/ blogging

i wanted to continue to blog and i think i did although i must say the motivation to do so was really not there. there were so many times where i entertained the idea of abandoning this blog. i was just too unmotivated to blog. i didn't have the energy to do so, especially after a long hard day at work. and so my habit of blogging daily to capture my daily reflections eventually died. i ended up blogging once a week, and later, once every two-three weeks. moving ahead, i am not sure if i can still keep up this habit but i will try. i still believe that all things being equal, blogging will continue to provide me the space to capture my thoughts, document my life, connect with friends and more importantly, provide me the space to look back, reflect and to learn about myself.

conclusion

on the whole, this year has been very intense for me. work-wise, it was all-consuming. the lack of emotional support from bee was overwhelming many a times and towards the end of the year, i found myself getting more and more irresponsible to myself when it comes to living my own life. i know things are wrong but on the other hand, i continued to indulge in it as it allowed me the momentarily escape into a world where i felt accepted and right. i shan't talk too much nor elaborate about it here. negatively, i am destroying myself although positively, this is a continuation of my life's journey and experiences towards self-discovery. this is perhaps an issue, but... whatever. i end 2017 with not much resolutions nor thoughts for 2018 except with the hope that i will be a happier person in 2018. and to achieve that, i think a good start would be to look inwards and to address my own expectations about people around me.

happy 2018 everyone.

mature men...

while i still get infrequent messages from people in grindr, i also noticed increasingly that the profiles that drop me messages are those that prefer mature guys. while this in itself is quite flattering, the words on the profile can be rather depressing. one particular profile read "i like old men" as his intro. terrible right? although technically, the word “old” is correct but it just sounds so... erm... old. why not just use the term "mature" or "daddies"...

we mature men will know what you mean.

lol!

day trips - melaka

clearing some leave these two weeks and decided to do an impromptu day trip to melaka yesterday. and instead of taking the expressway (which will take me about 3hours), i decided to take the coastal road. have never taken this road before and thought it would be interesting. 

and after clearing the customs, i took the route less travelled and drove through pontian, batu pahat, and muar, and a lot of smaller kampongs before arriving at melaka late afternoon. the whole journey took me almost 7 hours. but it was an interesting drive. have not seen the kampongs along the coastal areas and it was indeed refreshing. reminded me of my childhood days as well as the brunei kampongs when i did my national service back in the 80s. what struck me most was the clear segregation of malays and chinese as i drove. it was not difficult to identify chinese houses vs malay houses. and i also do not see them interacting like the way we do in singapore. perhaps this is the outcome of their race-based politics. anyway, that's malaysia.

melaka was a huge disappointment. it has totally lost its old world charm. used to visit it in the 80s, 90s and early 2000. then, jonkers street was full of life and you can experience lotsa street/ hawker stores selling all sorts of local goodies and crafts. very authentic and very lively. these days, and i suspect it was after the awarding of the world heritage status, the place was so crowded and commercialised, many shops were replaced with new manicured shops selling souvenirs (that looks imported from china), and the local food that does not taste anything like it used to, and you even get international brands like h&m selling clothes! i entertained the thoughts of driving up to ipoh taiping. i thought i would be nice to pay a visit to my uncle (if he is still alive). my mum had spoken very fondly of him when she was alive. was glad i managed to hunt down his number and they had a short chat. i didn't head north in the end. it would have been another 400-over km to drive and i didn't think i was up to it. arrived back in singapore close to midnight.

was a very tiring trip. nothing much per se but i supposed such "throw-back to the past" trips are wonderful fodder for the soul once a while. i will be heading to kuching tomorrow with my ex-colleagues and will return on sunday. the last time i visit this city in east malaysia was in 1994 (?) and it reminded me of singapore in the 60s. i am not expecting too much this trip too. perhaps some nature visits, or trekking. most importantly, i am looking forward to the company.

blowjobs

if there's one word in the english dictionary that is a misnomer, or for that matter, an indicator that the english dictionary has not caught up with times, it would be - blowjob.

it totally does not describe the act at all! firstly, no one blows "it". the act of "blowing" involves expulsion of air from the mouth. and unless one is trying very hard to blow dry a wet "one", there is act has absolutely no blowing at all! frankly, and in my own humble opinion (and experience), there's no word that can accurately describe the act that comprise a combination of tongue twirling, sucking, in-out movement, the messy saliva, the occasion gag, and the emotional connection associated with the whole act of (short of a better word) a "blowjob". and since i'm at this topic, i must also say i'm quite amused by two derivatives of this word - "blower" and "blowee"... lol!

ok, this is a random post.

on a more serious note. you can check this site for some background of the word "blowjob": https://www.bustle.com/articles/62120-why-is-it-called-a-blow-job-when-there-isnt-any-blowing-5-mysteries-of-oral

naughty or nice

christmas (or the first day) has come and gone. so...

have you been naughty or/ and nice?

i've been superbly naughty, and i'm not referring to the wining and dining.

go figure...

merry christmas everyone!

of chicken & turkey

jeremy invited me for a christmas dinner and i volunteered to get the turkey. i placed an order for it at a local french restaurant and made the appointment to collect the turkey at 1.30pm christmas eve.

in no time, christmas eve arrived and i came to collect it. when i arrived, i was asked to wait as they had to pack it. as i waited, i reread the order form and noted that it will be about 4.8-5.3kg. after sometime the service staff gave me two bags, thanked me and bade me farewell.

i took it and walked off. as i walked i thought the bags were a little too light and the size didn't seem right. it was too small for a turkey. i decided to return to the restaurant and asked if what they gave me was a turkey. the service staff came up to me and said oh, you've order roast chicken and that's what we gave you....

hmmm... i showed him my order form and clarified that they have given me a wrong order as i had ordered a roast turkey. he stared at me for a while and then turned to his kitchen staff - who said no it's correct cos jeremy ordered roast chicken. for a while, i wondered how the hell they know the food was for jeremy... anyway, i simply went up to them and showed them my order form. i am not jeremy. i am jeffrey.

it was then that they realised they had prepared another customers' order for me. so... well, i got the turkey in the end and all's well.

:-)

weaver

i reflected about what i was strong in following a recent event and concluded that my natural strength was in weaving stories. here's why.

i performed recently in the department concert. as a "new comer" to the department, everyone must perform in at least one department event - such as christmas, d&d, chinese new year, etc. for me, it was to be the christmas concert. i had postponed it a few times and couldn't do so this time round as it was the last performance of the year. so a group of us came together and we decided to put up a skit. it was a nonsensical skit based loosely on a children tale and in this tale, we convolute it with characters from harry porter, father christmas, foxes, reindeers, etc. it was actually quite funny. 

in this skit, i was the narrator and i had to also double up as one of the characters. the team lead put in a lot of effort to script the whole skit, complete with cues etc to guide the change of background and props etc. but i insisted i will not follow the scripted text, i will just go with the flow depending on the audiences' reaction. to me, it was important to deliver not just a skit, but a production that engages the audience at the same time. this, i rationalised, would make the production very natural and we would not be too stressed with having to adhere to specific lines. the team lead also choreographed a dance as an end to the performance. 

due to our tight time schedule, we only managed to meet 4-5 times to discuss the plot, develop the story, and rehearse the production. so, you can imagine how unpolished our performance was. but we went ahead, assuring ourselves that the concept of engaging the audience would help mitigate any flaws in the production. and so, after a couple of rehearsals, it was showtime. happily, the whole performance was very well-received. everyone enjoyed it. there was a lot of laughter, a lot of participations and everyone joined in the fun. the great thing about such responses was that it reinforces itself and the outburst of laughters was very spontaneous and very contagious. 

we walked out of this whole performance feeling very high and we were voted the best performing team by the audience. i reflected on the success and came to a conclusion (yet again) that apart form the teamwork, the narration and audience engagement played a big role. but looking at the amount of "mistakes" i made, i was able to twist and turn the outcome such that it seemed natural. the so called mistakes were mistakes to me, but to everyone else, they thought it was deliberate. in another words, i was natural when it came to storytelling. linking this experience with all the many other speeches, training, etc that i did, i concluded i have a natural tendency to refuse scripted text. i allowed my articulation of anything (my speech, the skit, etc) to flow according to the "feel" and i was always guided by key points rather than fixed scripts. and one thing stood out for me - i was able to weave little bites of everyday things into what i say and it came out very naturally. it was always very impromptu, very spontaneous and very instinctive. and consistently, it was these little bites that made the difference.

so yeah, i think i am a natural weaver. a weaver of stories. a weaver who is able to connect dots and articulate it as a story. it explained the good feel people get when they attend my trainings. i was able to infuse my personal experiences into the concepts taught, and most importantly, deliver it naturally. proud of myself.

:-)

51

today marked the start of my 51st year on this planet.

uneventful. quite a few wishes from my friends throughout the day. and truth be told, the first wish that came in this morning by edwin made me smile. i was feeling somewhat down these few weeks given the constant neglect by bee. it was his work all the time and there was hardly any attention by him. i was so totally pissed off. he didn't even wish me happy birthday (not that i was yearning for it)... and it was non-stop unfulfilled promises - i'll go bangkok with you, i'll come back by this time, i'll do this, or i'll do that, or... and so, with an email from edwin from faraway, it felt good. it made me smile. thanks edwin.

the rest of the day passed by uneventfully. i told myself i will make the best of today. woke up, went for breakfast, and headed to my late-mum's place to place the property-tax letter into the postbox. i was not about to pay the tax now that i had handed over the property to my brother. he should jolly well settle it himself. went to pay respect to my parents after that. visiting the cemetery has been a routine for me these days. on my way home, i decided to give myself a birthday treat and booked an appointment for a body massage in the afternoon. it was just so relaxing. i was so relaxed and felt exhausted by the end of the day, i simply collapsed in bed for a nap. woke up early evening, changed up and headed to town to attend a colleague's son's wedding. 

that was how i spend my birthday. told myself that only i can take care of myself and i kept reminding myself not to feel disappointed with bee, although frankly, i was on the verge of telling him that if his work is so important to the point of neglecting me (since the last couple of years), then we might was well call this relationship off. 

but well, let's not think too much and just focus on myself.

:-)

star wars viii - the last jedi

the show started off rather slow and the pace was inconsistent. nonetheless, i still enjoyed the movie. there were so many twists but in the end, it all made sense. i particularly enjoyed how many of the characters of star wars past appeared. loved it.

murder on the orient express

i was totally exhausted when i went to watch this show with my ex-colleagues. i was half asleep throughout the show. having said that, it was such a good thing that i caught the start and the end very clearly and i could appreciate how deeply this whole uncovering of the plot affected poirot so profoundly it changed his thinking. stellar casts, very strong acting, and overall a very charming and stylish production.

justice league

frankly, i had expected more from this show. a little disappointing. nonetheless, it was entertaining and a good fitting end to a stressful week before my trip to sydney.

my nov work trip to bangkok

i spend a week in bangkok for work. this was the week after my sydney trip and i had only one day in singapore to catch up with errands, laundry and to squeeze in a wedding lunch. anyway, the trip to bangkok was a crazy one. i was the main co-ordinator for a global hr conference and it was quite a hell to be a co-ordinator, a logistician, a master of ceremony, tour guide, etc all rolled into one. but all said and done, the event went well and it was good that everyone had a good experience. the event ended on thursday and my colleagues left on friday afternoon, by which time i was so exhausted i slept my way through the afternoon. i took the opportunity to extend my trip through the weekend. 

it was my first trip to bangkok in 12 years and i was totally lost. bee had agreed to spend the weekend with me but, as usual, he didn't in the end as he had to work (again). and as i had time all to myself, i ended up sleeping and just lazing in my room and exploring grindr to check out the gay men in bangkok. i was bored and unmotivated to head out to explore the city. and i got messages from people who are massage boys, gay men from overseas including cambodia, japan, etc. haha... it was just so unproductive and i felt so bored. the furthest i dragged myself to on friday night was to a small street market next to my hotel for some food before heading back to my room to watch the news on tv and explore people in grindr. 

saturday, however, was rather eventful. you see, on friday night, i texted someone (whom i got to know in singapore) in grindr to ask if there are any place that i should visit (he claimed he's thai). and that was when i found out that he wanted to fly to bangkok but could not get a hotel room as all were booked or were too expensive. and so i offered him half my bed. he was kinda surprised to get such a offer but accepted it and went ahead to book an air ticket right away. i had never done such a thing before - offering my bed to strangers but well, i wanted to help (really). i regretted almost immediately after i offered but i kept my word. i regretted cos of the reaction i got. suddenly, i got all the drama - omg, i send u my pic so that you are ok with me, are you sure? are you ok with me? omg omg omg! are you sure you are ok with me, i mean... are you sure?... i was literally caught off guard with such a response and i told him straight off that i was merely providing him a space and he need not send me any photo, etc. you sure right? if i turn up at your door and you don't let me in, i'll freak out... he went on... for me, it was a simple case of - you come, take half the space, do your own stuff, i do my own stuff - simple as that. but for him, whatever was in his mind, he was just so over the top drama. i came to a point where i had to tell him that if he still go on drama-ing, i'll take back my offer. he stopped after that...

anyway, he arrived the next day (saturday late morning) with a huge luggage! and from the start, the whole conversation, the topics, the chemistry. everything was totally off. the interaction was so awkward. i wanted to just ask him to mind his own business but i couldn't. he went on and on and on non-stop. and so, the awkward conversations and exchanges saw me testing my boundaries in my responses when i felt the conversation was heading in the wrong direction. i ended up being so bloody firm with him and many-a-times, i had adopted the most condescending tones and at some points, i had to tell him off and to put him in the right place. and despite all these, he didn't seemed to get my point and instead gushed at how objective and mature a person i was, very "man" (wtf). and as a gesture of thanks he offered (insisted was the right word) to bring me to chatuchak, he went on and on about how bad he'd feel if i didn't allow him to show me to chatuchak. at chatuchak, he tried to grab my elbow and i had to push his hand away, not without telling him firmly i don't do physical contacts in public. i added that the only person whom i allowed such contacts was my partner. and i told him i wanted to explore the place on my own. in the end, we parted and i didn't head back to hotel until almost 10pm saturday night. i didn't want to interact with him.

that night, i retired to bed and as usual, i kept to the side of my bed. and he reached out and tried to pull my hand, and said something like do you want to sleep closer to me or something along this line. i was rather pissed off with him and told him off "i offered you half my bed out of goodwill and if you dare touch me in the middle of the night, i swear i would throw you out of the room right away". he didn't stop and i thought he didn't get my very explicit message for he added, why do you sleep at the side of the bed, come towards me la... i had half my mind to chase him out but held my patience and simply told him that sleeping at the side of my bed was my habit, and he added "but i scared you fall off the bed"... this response lost me totally and i half-raised my voice and said "stopped mommy-ing me! i have lived up to 50-over years on earth and even my mum did not ask me to not sleep at the side of my bed!". i thought he got my message after this for he quietly retreated to his corner and kept quiet. i simply ended the conversation by half ordering him to "go sleep!". the night passed peacefully for me. thankfully.

anyway, i was so glad he eventually checked out on sunday. i did so too not too long after that. i don't think i will ever offer my bed to people anymore in future. 

my nov work trip to sydney

was in sydney for a week in nov to conduct a global program at one of my company's subsidiary office. and while i was there, many many meetings were arranged for me to get to know the people there, not to mention the non-stop emails from singapore that had to be attended to at the same time. then again, it was not all work and no play. managed to steal away on 2 evenings to catch up with ps (a friend from singapore who migrated to australia) and my cousin (and his partner). and that was really good. and it was during this week that australia voted to legalise same-sex marriage. 

on the day i landed, i took the opportunity to visit the harbour bridge areas (including the opera house), qvb and oxford street. one cannot visit sydney without visiting the opera house right? and i was shocked with what i saw - huge crowds of people, and i mean huuuuge. i don't remember it being so crowded. when i last visited it about a decade back, there were lotsa spaces when i visited opera house and the sydney harbour bridge areas. this time, it was so jam packed with people, it was impossible to take a photo of the opera house without more than half the background filled with people. sighs... i left the place almost immediately after i reached. 

i also visited oxford street - sydney's gay street. this gay mecca was a place not to be missed for me.  but i was disappointed. the place was dead. my first visit to oxford street was in 1994 and i visited the place again in the early 2000. back then, the place was so vibrant. there were lotsa activities, crowds, lights and sounds... and people from all over the world converge there to witness the lively gay scene. and there were many many gay bars that compete to show who was more rauncy - lives shows, a-go go-boy shows, etc. while i didn't visit any of these shows, it was in one of oxford street's porn shops that i had my first live view of orgies, blowjobs, etc. but all these had disappeared. it was all quiet when i visited it. even the porn shop that i walked into looked tired, dated and almost dead. my cousin shared that if i wanted to see the crowd, i should visit it on fri and sat midnight. then again, he acknowledged that the level of energy these days could not be compared to the past.

i had dinner with ps on one of the evenings. time flies, it had been 4-5 years since she migrated there. and it was really good to be able to catch up with her. i was so happy to know that she's been relatively well and to see that she's in good shape and generally happy with her life. it was such a huge contrast to the life she led when i first know her almost a decade back. also, i met up with my cousin and his partner too. had the chance to visit their house (for the first time) and it was really nice! it felt really warm to have a family member whom i could talk openly and i believe he felt the same too. it was also obvious that both he and his partner had aged. they looked older physically than when i met them the last time. then again, it’s the path of time that all of us have to go through. i was happy that they are still doing great.

anyway, i was glad the programs ended well. didn't have as much time as i'd like to myself. nonetheless, it was good to catch up with ps and cousin.