Random rants 1 - Colours

Here’re some random stuff, nothing significant, just quick thoughts and occurrences that colour my life:

• One Million. My blog views crossed 1 million last week! Woh! didn't even think this could happen. Anyway, yeah... it did.

• Elderly Auntie. I was doing my exercise topless by the park connector recently. The connector was a shortcut from the bus stop to a housing estate. In the distance, an elderly lady walked towards me. She probably wanted to take a short cut home. She was about 80m away from me when she saw me. Then she stopped, turned around and started running. She turned her head several times and looked in my direction as she ran. I wondered why.

• Merlion-ing. I was in the MRT when people seated around me started vacating their seats and ran (literally - ran) to the next carriage. I noticed a long-haired girl seated two seats away, slumped forward, hair falling and almost touching the floor. The next thing I knew, her wallet and phone dropped. She had some difficulty picking them up and gave up after a few feeble attempts. I slid towards her, picked them up and placed them by her side, then went back to my seat. The next thing I knew, she vomited violently onto the floor (merlioned, as we Singaporeans call it)... ewww. I alighted at the next stop, which was my intended stop, and reported it to the station master. The girl needed help. The train needed cleaning.

• Be Helpful. I told a peer trainer: don't chase for training runs and don't worry about things you cannot control. Instead, be helpful and stay relevant, and most importantly, focus on your delivery when assigned. The opportunities will come. That's how I contributed to the trainer team. My coordinator appreciated my contributions and my learners benefitted. And the opportunities came - not just from the coordinator, but also from fellow trainers who needed help covering for them when they couldn't make it.

• Identity. It's been three years since I left corporate. A new phase in life after 4 decades of working. I realised that my identity had been so tightly intertwined with my working life that it has taken me a lot of effort and time to rewire my identity into that of a freelancer and semi-retired person. It's been an interesting journey - redefining myself, changing the mindset, reframing my thought processes, adjusting to new routines, expectations and lifestyles. But what has kept me going is the constant reminder to focus on what's meaningful to me as a person. In other words, what is my identity as a person, and not as a professional.

• Retirement. A constant thing that people say to me is, "When I retire..." And my question to them is: how do you define "retire"? To me, retirement is not about "stopping work". It is a state of mind. And if I continue working, I work because I want to, not because I need to. Financial freedom. Engagement. Meaning in life. Purpose. And from this perspective, I can still be working, yet retired.

Ok, enough for now. Just some quick rants as I eat my breakfast.

2024 thus far

Without realising it, we have less than 4 months before 2025. It is also a good time to consolidate key happenings for this year so I don’t have to think too hard when Dec comes knocking. I had set off to keep healthy and to reinvent myself this year. So let's take a look at how far I have progressed.

Self-care & Health

• Let's start off with mental well-being - on the whole, I thought I’d managed this relatively ok, apart from the set-back as a result of the break-up
• I was able to sustain a decent level of social engagement
• I maintained my desire to head out for oversea breaks at least once a month
• I sustained my minimum 10K steps a day (current average steps clocked per day this year stands at 17.7K)
• Regrettably, there was a couple of unfortunate major sickness esp over the last month resulting in the need to visit the A&E (ED) department twice

Coaching 

• This is possibly my biggest achievement for the year
• I had completed all 3 training modules, thereby fulfilling the required training hours needed 
• Also, have completed 2 out of the 3 mentoring sessions and passed all markers required
• I should complete the last mentoring session in 2 weeks
• Had also completed 128 hours of coaching thus far 
• This is more than the minimum 100 hours required but I continued to coach so I can keep my skills warm and to work towards the next level of accreditation 
• I should be able to sit for the credentialing exams by end-Sep/ early-Oct once I finished my final mentoring session
• I have not decided how I will build on this after my certification, but I do think building a coaching business is a possible option for me
• I can decide on this after I pass the exams

Training

• I managed to successfully sign up as an associate trainer with 2 companies
• So far, I have yet to start conducting any training given the need for preparatory activities 
• I expect the training proper should happen before year-end
• By next year, I would have gotten a good feel of what to expect and I should be able to stabilise this aspect of my life
• More importantly, being able to train will also allow me to re-establish a way where I can generate an income source in a more sustainable manner

Professional 

• I had set up a company earlier this year. The intent behind it was to allow me the options to either make a business out of it, or at least to leverage it for payment purposes in time to come
• I got myself credentialed as a senior certified professional with the Society for HR Management 
• This is a requirement set by one of the training company as a pre-requisite before I can conduct their HR-related programmes

The above were directly related to my health and well-being as well as reinventing myself. I must add that when I said I wanted to reinvent myself, it was in the context of work. But 2024 saw me being "reinvented" in more ways than just work, especially in my personal life. These changes had directly impacted me in all ways, especially in my well-being. But positively, it allowed me to channel my energies into reinventing myself. Here're the details.

Personal life

• Had an unfortunate break up after close to 7 years when he decided to move on to focus on his personal priorities
• Have since been avoiding him in an attempt to give myself the space to heal and to grow
• Notably, some of my closer friends gravitated towards him and I am somewhat left stranded
• It had been 4 months and it was the longest time since coming out where I was single and not attached
• Loneliness can be a real bitch and when it hits, it hits really hard
• But positively, this void forced me to look elsewhere to expand my circle of friends, e.g., via social apps like Grindr, which I met with varying successes
• I also made the efforts to re-establish connections with some older contacts
• It also gave myself the freedom to visit gay haunts and to indulge in things I would normally not do (let's leave it at that)
• Above all, it allowed me to channel some good energies into coaching and this kept me sane during the immediate periods after my break-up

Family

• I managed to maintain close and warm relationship with my paternal side relatives with regular calls and occasional dinner get togethers
• Had maintained a somewhat warm relationship with my eldest sister & her family with an invitation to my nieces' housewarming
• For my second sis, the year started off relatively well but the relationship took a dive especially after she badly handled the sourcing of a tenant for me (I am pretty pissed off with her tbh)
• Will let things be for now and go with the flow

Others

• I had sold off my car, after more than 3 decades of driving
• Managed to get a decent price for it with minimal loss, and that's good
• Objectively speaking, it does not make financial sense to hold on to it now that I am alone and public transport is easily accessible from my place
• I had also managed to get a tenant
• Trying to get used to staying with a stranger as of now and tbh, I myself seemed like a tenant in my own home, at least for now 
• But positively, it does give me a source of passive income

The above is a consolidation of my 2024 thus far. Looking at it, I think I have done quite a bit although it seemed like I am quite free and quite chill this year... LOL. Or is this just my way of self-consolation? But back to my aim of keeping healthy and well, and reinventing myself. Have I achieved it? I think to a large extend, I have kept to it. Some things are beyond my control (e.g. break-up and falling sick), but for the parts about reinventing myself, I think I am moving in the right direction.

Let's not be too harsh on myself. All's good for now, that's my conclusion.

It's mid-Feb 23

It's already mid-Feb 23. Time passes very quickly these days. Maybe it’s an age thing. Here's a run down of my last month:

• Hong Kong came and went. I was glad I insisted on the trip. HK had just done away with quarantine and regular tests, and was on the verge of opening fully to China. So the trip, that occurred during the first week of Lunar New Year, wasn't too packed with PRCs. The weather, at 10 - 20C, was perfect for hikes. We hiked the Lantau Peak and the Lion Rock. We encountered more foreigners as we climbed higher (seemed to be the same everywhere). We also managed to walk around Mongkok, TST, Causeway Bay, visited temples, and enjoyed the local foods. It was a really lovely trip.

• Family featured significantly over the last few weeks. The highlight was my second niece's wedding. I was surprised to get her invite last year, as I wasn't invited to her sister's wedding 8 years back. It reflected the improved relationship between my eldest sis and I. At the church, I was that proud uncle who watched my niece take her vows. I asked my eldest if I would be involved in the tea ceremony. She said - of course, you are the uncle and have a very high status. And so for the very first time, I had the honour of being served tea by my niece and her husband. To top it off, my grand-nephew (my eldest niece's son, who was already 5 years old) chatted with me and called me ku-kong (maternal grand uncle). It felt really good.

• I joined my paternal aunts and cousins for their annual Lunar New Year steamboat dinner. I do not  always look forward to such gatherings, but I will make it a point to attend reunion dinners. I am not sure if it is an ominous sign but for the first time this year, my elderly (second) uncle didn't attend the dinner. Also, I noted that my (eldest) aunt had started to show signs of water retention in her legs. It reminded me of my mum in her final months. I hope I am wrong, but I fear the worst to come in the coming year. 

• I cancelled my counselling sessions and the appointment with the mental health specialist. I know perfectly well the issues behind my transition anxiety and what I must do about it. Admittedly, work was a key reason. Apart from talking to my boss, a clear course of action was to leave my company. These are things that need time to plan. And I didn't want to feel pressured into taking actions if I were to visit the specialist/ counsellors. I also think my anxiety was made worst by my tendency to overthink issues. I need to learn to manage myself.

• Work has stabilised - for now. And with this, the anxiety had eased off. But the thought of moving on remained. I chatted with some colleagues who was serving their notice. They shared that progression, promotions, etc motivated them to move on. For me objectively, I am at the stage of my life where I do not want to invest more energies to restart myself in another senior corporate role. It is too draining. And I want to focus on preparing for retirement. So for now, I want to stretch my current employment for as long as I can as I prepare myself for my transition. 

• I recently caught up with a long time friend. He was retrenched late last year and had chosen to retire. Since then, he had been keeping busy with traveling and enjoying his life. I had known him since we were 14 years old and had grown up (and old) with him. Our lives couldn't be more different. For one, he has amassed enough resources to ensure his wife and children are all well-provided for for their current and next life if he were to pass away now (so he claimed). I do not think I will ever retire the way he did. I just do not have the resources to do so, and even if I do, I will still want to work. In our earlier years, we work for the money. In our more mature years, we work to keep ourselves mentally engaged. 

• And oh, I have some days of leave to clear before end-Mar and I have just booked another trip to HK. So yeah, come mid-Mar I will be in HK for a good 5 days. Going away is what I want to do and I do have several key considerations when planning trips. For short 3-5 day trips, I would prefer places I am familiar with, not too expensive, and importantly, weather must be cooling as far as possible. I want to be very focused - fly, land, enjoy... don't sweat over stuff like - having to learn the local transport system, navigate the people and place, etc. So, yeah, HK is it. Again. Haha!

I look forward to Mar 23. 

Sabbatical - Purposelessly Purposeful

I am halfway through my sabbatical... well, tbh, I'd prefer to call it NPL - No Pay Leave. That's what it is - going on leave without pay. It was not a difficult decision to make as I wanted to take time away from work, recuperate and chart my next career moves. I am, of cos, not ruling out the possibility of going back to the same company if conditions are right. Here's my journey since my NPL on 1 Apr. 

To be honest, the first few weeks were really stressful. It was an emotional roller coaster ride and I could not wind down. On one hand, I really wanted to just do nothing, but on the other hand, I was very restless. So I kept myself occupied. I met up with friends, went shopping, did short trips up north, walked more, swam, did gardening, etc. But there was just so much of these that I can do (right?). Despite it all, I had consciously kept away from work-related meet ups and contacting colleagues although I eventually met up with my team and a couple of closer colleagues for a meal or two, catch-up over whatsapps on what's happening at work, etc. The stress eventually eased off as I learned to just enjoy my day, don't get stressed up by not being occupied with programs or not being too detailed in how I organise my day. I told myself owe myself the moments to just relax, chill and simply live life as it comes. 

Finance-wise, I was conscious I need to manage my spendings. After all, I am not getting any salary during this period. And it was not easy, especially with inflation and all - food, utilities, petrol, etc everything is easily 5 - 10% more expensive overnight. When I first started, I stopped eating at restaurants, cook more, take public transport as much as I can, etc. My lifestyle changed overnight. Thinking back, I think I swung a bit too far. Objectively, I do have some savings, and passive income but on a nett-nett basis, I still need to ensure my spendings is within the amount I have set aside to ensure longer term needs. I have since gotten a balance with regards when to hold back and when to reward myself with some luxuries. In effect, these couple of months had been a reality-check on my readiness for retirement. I am not. I need to work for a while more. But positively, I am more confident that I can take on a lower-paying job, if I want to, now.

As for my health & well-being, I am heading in the right direction. I sleep a lot a lot better these days. I hardly experience any insomnia and I am able to easily get my 7-8 hours of good night sleep. Granted that I still have all sorts of weird dreams now and then but overall, my sleep quality has improved. And with better sleep quality, all things else fall into place. I am already seeing positive signs from my body, eg how my resting heart rate has decreased from high-90s to high-70s now. On the flip side, I am having a hard time controlling my weight gains and the body aches have increased! I believe this is because of the increased exercises and walks that I am doing these days. But well... let's not get too bothered by it as long as the increase in weight is kept in check. I am starting to have uncomfortable dreams again over the last couple of days and I do believe it is due to the realisation that I am halfway through my sabbatical... hmmm...

These days, my routines revolve around very broad aims - consolidate my life within the first 3 months, review & consolidate my finances by May, review my resume by June (which I have yet to complete). I have about 3 more months to go. With my quick life audit (health, finances, self, work, etc) done, it is time to chart ahead - review my career options in Jul/ Aug, look for job in Aug/ Sep, etc. I will be taking a long overseas break end-Jul/ Aug before I end my no pay leave. So yeah, these last 3 months of deliberate pause have certainly been interesting. On the surface, it seemed like I have done nothing, but reflecting, I think I have done much... without realising it. 

:-) 

it's June 2022

What probably shaped the first half year was the gradual opening up of the country, and my sabbatical. As things open up, travels resumed, religious practises returned (I did my 3-step-1-bow again after 2 years!), routines were adjusted, etc. and with the start of my sabbatical, I have the time to do and revisit things I have never done before... let me cover a couple of aspects of my life here and I shall start off with my health and well-being, given that it is something I have wanted to focus on this year.

Health 

As a follow-up from the health scare in Dec 21, I saw the cardiologist in Jan 22 and was put through a series of tests. The cardiologist said all results were "within normal range" and that there were nothing that I should be too concerned about. Nonetheless, I noted there was a small anomaly seen in the ECG - something that I did not see in my previous ECGs. I decided that I should take things slow and not over-exert myself (especially after my burn-out experience in 2021).  Not long after, I caught COVID-19 in the last week of Jan 22. It was quite an uncomfortable period as my partner had returned to his home country. Thankfully, my sister and friends banded and supported me through the period when I was quarantined, delivering food to me. I emerged from the quarantine relatively well. I experienced a prolonged period of coughs, sore throat and sinus but these were generally not too debilitating thankfully. Apart from this, the usual body pains and aches continued to feature and these, I supposed, were part of my ageing process. I have continued with my usual daily walks to keep well and have also started swimming occasionally.

Work

I was so close to resigning late last year but had taken the advice of a colleague-turned-friend who suggested that I should take a sabbatical instead. This would allow me time to rest before I explore my professional journey ahead. To be fair to the company and my team, I continued to push through the annual planning and budgeting process and complete the annual employee appraisal before I start my sabbatical on 1 Apr. I have applied for a 6-month sabbatical and will be away from work until end-Sep 22. I needed to do this to recuperate (from my burn-out), to get away from my toxic work environment, to review my career options and to let my heart have a breather. My big boss has promised that I would be reporting to a different person when I return, and that I would assume a different port-folio. Frankly speaking, I have not decided if I should go back. In the meantime, I am just taking things slow and living a semi-retired life. Told myself I owe myself time to just chill and relax and not think about anything else. I have, since the start of my sabbatical, met up with a couple of ex-colleague-turned-friend who shared their thoughts about my career directions moving ahead (e.g. should I go back to my corporate life, or should I start all over). I greatly appreciate their views and will review my options closer to Jul/ Aug period.

Partner/ Family

My partner went back to his home country several times over the last half year. The first trip was an extended one that lasted over 2 months from end-last year to mid-Feb 22. It had been quite a while since I lived alone and for so long and, I supposed, allowed me the space to reflect on what it means to live alone (e.g. my daily routines). On hindsight, I thought that was quite a refreshing period for me. Family-wise, things are as normal as it can possibly be. The usual checking-ins, sharing of food, etc. Have also made the effort to pass the bak chang to my eldest sis - my first visit to her home since 2014 (or even longer). Other than that, I had also attempted to visit my uncle in Taiping in Feb 22, only to find the place deserted, gates lock and with overgrown weeds. I suspect my uncle might have passed on. 

Friends

Generally, been keeping in contact with friends. There have been some tensions with a couple of them (one to be exact) but generally, I have maintained contact with my circle of closer friends. The opening up of the society recently also meant there are less house visits. Gatherings these days are largely done over dinners in eateries/ restaurants. I have also made efforts to reach out to some old friends and am glad to know they are all well and good.

Home

Have done much changes to the house this year with a minor renovation done (much belated and delayed). Got the house repainted, doors repainted and the parquet fully polished, Decided against polishing the marble as many of the tiles had "popped". In addition, installed shelves to better organise the washing machine/ laundry space, digital lock for the main door, changed the living room furniture etc... so, yeah, lotsa changes to the home. Thought the outcome was really good and it felt new. This will probably last me the next few years until it is time for me to transition to public housing when I retire.

Hobbies

I have, especially since the start of my sabbatical, started revisiting some old hobbies. I have organised a small garden and have started growing plants such as Mexican mint, money plants, and some other ornamentals. The plants certainly provide a good use of my time and it's really lovely to see the plants thrive and grow. Occasionally, I will also do some handicraft (e.g. macrame) for my friends. 

Trips

I am starting to travel again with the first few trips taken to Malaysia. The first trip was in Feb 22. It was my first trip out of the country since the lock down and was an interesting one given the many additional tests, procedures, etc. The second trip occurred just when I started my sabbatical. As the land borders had opened and we could travel without pre-departure test, I decided to drive all the way to Penang and back. That was probably one of the longest drive I had taken in recent times - 1300km in total! Apart from that, I have also travelled to Johor for the weekend. Am looking forward to my extended holiday in Jul/ Aug 22 where we will be heading off to UK.

So yeah, the above kinda captured my first 6 months of 2022. It had passed by so quickly. The last 2 months were rather interesting. I didn't expect myself to feel stressed but that was how I felt - I was uneasy as I was suddenly faced with too much time at hand. I have since gotten used to it. Objectively, the sabbatical have allowed me to do almost nothing related to work and focused on myself, my home, my friends, and to reconsolidate my life (finances, insurance, etc). I have about 4 months more for my sabbatical. 

Let's see where it takes me...

resume writing

went through another resume and rewrote it. this time round, it was my niece's resume. she texted me and told me she failed to land any interviews despite sending out her resume to many different companies. so i told her to forward me her resume to take a look. and... yup, rather amateurish.

she did not give a summary of herself and her professional experience came across as trying too hard as she listed a-z of everything she did. i thought it was not necessary and just needed to write something concise yet captures the gist of what she did. the rest could be elaborated during the interview. so, i rewrote the whole resume for her. her's was interesting cos it was the first time i see a resume that listed key achievements by themes instead of employment (career history). i supposed it made sense for her, she's in the legal field...

learned something new.

helping someone in distress

this week, i learned from an ex-colleague that one of the senior cabin crew from my previous company would be demoted and that her allowances would be taken away from her. and as allowances formed a huge part of their salary structure, this senior crew would likely end up with a drastic pay cut. she was in a state of shock and had been crying for several days. i also learned that she had gone on to simply apply for any jobs that came by, even superbly junior ones. i could only conclude she was desperate to get out of the company and that she was simply grabbing anything that came by. very rash, not good for her career.

anyway, this development was, to a large extend, the aftermath of the merger that the company went through last year. you see, before merger, crew administration and discipline management was undertaken by ground management staff. cabin crews were mainly executing the operations, namely providing inflight services and ensuring passenger safety and senior cabin crews' responsibilities focused on coaching and getting their team to deliver performance. but after the merger, the responsibilities of crew administration and discipline management was transferred to senior crews. this was on top of the responsibilities that they previously had. well, this change was done in an effort to standardise the practices of the both entities. but this alignment created a lot of stress on the senior crews as they were not trained for it, nor do they have the aptitude for it. nonetheless, all of them took on the roles (they have no choice) and i could see many working very hard to learn the ropes. 

what happened was that one of the senior crew who had been with the company for close to 12-years was called up and told that her performance in crew management didn't meet up to their expectations. as such, she would be removed and that she would be demoted to the grade no different from that of a junior crew. this was a huge blow to her, considering she had been performing very well as a senior cabin crew before the merger. sensing distress, i asked for her contact and whatsapped her. when i finally got to her, she told me she was just a lowly crew in the company hierarchy and could not really do anything about it. advised her not to degrade herself and that what had happened was simply a case of job mismatch following the merger and if that was the case, she should just move on. the company didn't deserve her, frankly. that managed to cheer her up a bit. 

and i promised i'll help her with her career transition but for now, she should just accept whatever decision and just do what is expected. never leave your job before you found a new one and never be rash to make decision that she might regret in future. i have since asked her to send me her resume so that i could help make it sound more professional. and when i read her resume, i must say it was really bad. then again, i had expected so cos she had been with the company for close to 12 years and looking for jobs was something foreign to her. for that matter, even her email name sound terribly inappropriate for a resume! had to advice her to apply for a new email account and to adopt a more neutral sounding name. and so, i spend the whole of today re-writing her resume. had to correct her resume structure, sentence structure, grammar, etc. and also, rewrote her cover letter for her.

let's hope her job search goes smoothly.

2016 - a year of turnarounds

2016 was a superbly crazy year for me. it was a year of contrasting extremes almost on all fronts. i lost my dog of over 15 years sapphie, and my family (my niece and nephew) in mar/apr 2016. the challenges at the workplace did not help too. the m&a the company went through in may 2016 added further to the stresses throughout the year. but on the bright side, with the gradual departures of people close to me, and the reduced jobscope meant i had a lot of time to myself and this provided me the space to travel and to just pamper myself. 2016 thus became a year where i travelled extensively - at least once a month. a back sprain i got in jul 2016 motivated me to kickstart my walking routines and this in turned helped me maintain my general well-being. i end the year on a high, looking forward to a new career in jan 2017. so, yes, lotsa extremes in the year as i capped my 4th decade and turned 50 in dec 2016. and on this note, i shall pen my reflections, starting with key ones that shaped the conditions of my life in the year.

death & losses (sapphie & family)

sapphie passed away 22 march this year. and with her demise, i had lost someone who'd been my constant source of happiness over the past 15-over years, not withstanding the fact that she was a dog. she was my family - and the only one to see me through my change of relationships, my retirement and transition to civilian life, my career changes and the lost of my parents. i started the year wanting to take good care of her and to provide as much to her as i possibly could. i knew she was old and that i had expected her to leave anytime soon. but her demise was unexpected - it happened suddenly when i was overseas. i supposed the signs were there but i didn't see it happening so suddenly. with her passing, things started to take an interesting turn with my brother's family. i had placed sapphie under their care while i went overseas and the handling of her post-life matters didn't go well with them. coupled with the brewing issues with regards the handling of my late-mum's property, my relationship with my brother took a fatal development. i decided to walk out of the toxic relationship in the end. i am no longer in contact with them, and i had thus lost all possibilities to interact with my niece and nephew. with these losses, things that i had wanted to achieve became impossible. such developments impacted me badly and prolonged the stresses i felt since 2015 where i suffered many death amongst people closest to me including that of my mum. nonetheless, their departures left a huge gap in my life and provide a lot of space and capacities for me to grow in other areas. and this, perhaps was the silver lining and a blessing in disguise for me.

work/ professional development

the acquisition of the company i worked in and the merger with a sister company provided another huge source of stress to me for the year. on that fateful day of 19 may, i was told i would be demoted two levels down, and report to someone with lesser experience than me, whilst he would in turn be promoted because he "is a good friend" of the hr hod. to worsen things, i was told to take over my executive's jobscope. this topped the already stressful work environment i was in with my previous boss. suddenly, the need to find a new job took a renewed urgent push. my inability to get a new job despite attending many interviews resulted in me getting depressed. it took me a while to come to terms with these drastic changes. nonetheless, and positively, the reduced jobscope provided me the much needed space to channel my energies onto myself. i started to take things easy, relaxed a little more, and to reinforce and refresh my basic fundamentals at work. by the start of oct 2016, i was sure my target set at the beginning of the year (i.e., to change job in 2016) would not materialise as i had a 3-month notice period. but things took a unexpected turn when i got a call sometime mid-october by a company. things developed very quickly and an offer was made by early nov. i managed to get a one-month waiver from the full 3-month notice period and will end my current employment by today. i am happy i can end this year just the way i wanted. i start with a new company next week. my next job is a hugely challenging one, both in terms of jobscope, as well as the people i have to interact and work with. but i decided to accept it as i really wanted to get out of my current company. also, the new job will provide me with new areas to challenge myself and move out of my comfort zone. so for 2017, i want to learn, and give my best to my new job.

bee

i will write a bit about bee here. frankly, i do not have much positive areas to write for this para. i started the year wanting to do my part to rebuilt what was weakened over the past years. in this regard, i do not think much was achieved. two hands can clap only if both hands are willing and make the efforts to. and i said that because in my opinion, his priorities were in his work and not on me. i was the one with lots of time and energies but for him, he had constantly committed himself to his work. i'm in the retail line, he used to say. and coupled with the added challenges he had with his mum's frequent health issues, our times together were badly affected. apart from the increased dinners together, everything else that couples do together were largely missing. many plans that we had planned together did not materialise. and many of the things that he said he wanted to do with me ended up not being honoured last minute. this included the planned holiday in sep, which was postponed to november, and again to end-december and then cancelled as he couldn't move away from his work. i had time and again told myself that i needed to manage my expectations. there'll always be disappointments when there are expectations, and i had come to the point where i don't even have expectations for his promises - he: i will pick you for breakfast - i: ok, let's see when you wake up, ok, i will just leave at 7.15am if you don't contact me by then, he: ok, i will be ok to leave for a holiday from 26 dec onwards - i: i'll book my air tickets if you still don't give a confirmation by 23 dec. all these seemed very empty and disappointing when i reflected on the "commitment" he made over the radio mid-year "that i want to spend more time with my family and loves ones"... for 2017, i will simply do my part as a partner. as for him, i can only wish for him to do his part and prioritise better between me and his work. but i know wishes are not solutions and the solutions are beyond me.

friends & colleagues

2016 was the year where there were lotsa developments for friends. for a start, i was depressed and i started to close up. i avoided people, and i avoided all my friends. i saw no point interacting and going out with them.  i didn't want to share my life with them. thus, i began to isolate myself from them. people i avoided include my uni friends as well as larry. i am still managing this as i type and i think it will take a while before i open up to them again. nonetheless, i am human and i have a social space to fill. and this space was filled by my office colleagues - colleagues that banded together after the middle of the year when the company undergo the m&a. and under the very trying and hostile conditions, the relationship of many of my colleagues and i blossomed. in fact, we got along so well that many of them address me as "baba" (or "papa" or "daddy" depending on which language you chose) affectionately. this was really a case where the line between colleagues and friends (and perhaps the concept of "family") blurred. i was really touched by their acceptance cos despite our age difference (most of them are in their 20s and a few in their 30s), they included me in their programs and activities and even went to the extend of organising a birthday retreat in hong kong in dec. i am touched by their responses to me. on top of that, i also made quite a few friends via grindr. and against what most people said, it is indeed possible to make good friends there. quite a few have gone from grindr chats to whatsapp/ line chats and shared good life experiences and lessons with me. for 2017, i will continue to expand my social space, and deepen existing friendships.

personal life & health

i was mired in lotsa challenges in the first half of the year but with the demise of sapphie, the breaking up with my brother and his family, demotion and isolation at work, and the many disappointments i had with bee. these challenges took a toll on my health and my personal life. i became depressed, my kidney stones issue caught up with me, i had a suspected heart issue in apr/ may, experienced lotsa respiratory issues especially during first 7-8 months of the year and i sprained my back in jul 2016. the backsprain shook me up a little cos i really didn't want to re-experience what i went through in 2013 where i was immobilised for a good several weeks. i started to do long walks, hike at macritchie reservoir regularly, and also began my routines of waking up at 4.30am just to walk around my area. over time, i started to include walking as part of my travel plans. i did a few mountain climbing trips to hong kong, took long walks in taiwan or simply to just walk (sometimes aimlessly) in shopping areas/ streets, just for the sake of keeping myself mobile and on the move. these activities allowed me to maintain a relatively good state of health, and helped me managed my bad back. as for my depression, i don't think i am out of it, but i am working on it. in 2017, i may not continue my long walks and definitely not able to keep my travel habits (cos i will no longer be in the airline industry) but i will certainly live healthily and maintain my well-being.

relatives

i wanted to put in more efforts to strengthen the ties with my extended family and i think this was one area that i could have done more. but i do not have any regrets here. with the year filled with all the developments at work and challenges, i was happy i was able to at least kept in contact with my existing relatives and visit them once in a while. for 2017, i will continue to maintain the relationship with my relatives.

bloggers/ blogging

at the beginning of the year, i looked at my blog entries and told myself that i will not want to use number of blogs as a target for me to achieve by the end of the year. this was something i did before (such as in 2015). nonetheless, i told myself i will continue to blog although i acknowledge the motivation to do so was really low at times. but i do recognise the positive points of blogging. it allows me to capture my life's experiences and learn from it. it also allows me to connect with my online friends, something that i admit i am not very strong in - socialising with people face-to-face. frankly, the encouragement and connections i had with some of my blogger friends provided me the much needed push when i was down and the occasional reminder that i needed to buck up when i started to wallow. so... yeah, to all of you reading this, thank you very much for everything. i may not know you nor have seen and interacted with you personally, but i do really appreciate the encouragements and support you have provided me over these years. for 2017, i will certainly continue to blog.

miscellaneous

i decide to just include this additional points here to capture the little nuggets of reflections that are significant to me but perhaps not things where i could have any productive principles/ targets that i want to set for in 2017...

• with the passing of sapphie, the contact with james has reduced to no more than perhaps season greetings/ birthday greetings. i think this may dwindle further with sapphie out of the equation now. 

• mum passed away slightly more than a year ago. since her passing, i had continued to visit her niche at least once a month. and i continue to do so. her presence (and at the same time, absence) was still felt. i started dreaming of her after a few months of her passing. dreams of her were especially frequent during the first half of the year. and in all my dreams, she didn't utter a single word. she remained quiet, and often, smiling. and i do noticed a trend that she always appear whenever i am faced with a lot of distress, mainly related to work. her appearance climaxed towards the end of the year where she appeared with a taoist deity, in the face of danger. i can only conclude one thing - that she was, and still is, my greatest source of support in my life. 

• like the above, this would have fitted in as a para on "family" but i decided against having one. i had broken off all contacts with my brother and as of today the only news i receive about my niece or nephew was through my maid. i had continued to pay her her salary and the maid levy through the year. she had informed me of her intentions to leave in dec 16 but later postpone it to jan/ feb 2017. as for my other family members, i remained in contact with my second sis. other than that, my contact with my first sis remain inconsistent and cold. but it didn't bother me.

• this piece would probably fit in in the "health/ personal life" para but it doesn't flow with the current content. i had my first experience with drugs this year. this was in addition to the increased use of poppers. for the drug intake, it was a deliberate decision i took for the experience. i was also depressed, lonely and i desperately wanted an escape. that was it. i do not think i will repeat it again. i didn't like it, but that is not the point. it is not right.

so that was the 2016 for me, a year where there were extremes in many ways, both in terms of loses as well as gains. and within the year, i can clearly divide it into 2 clear halves. all the negatives happened mostly before july. after that, many positive things happened and i am glad to say that things are really looking up as i end the year. and with this, i shall christen 2016 a year of turnarounds. i enter my 5th decade on earth in 2017 and i am sure it will be an exciting year for me.

happy 2017 everyone.

giving thanks

will be heading to hong kong tonight and returning sunday night.

need to head there to visit the few temples that i usually visit. need to give thanks to gods for blessing me with a smooth career change. i had asked to be blessed with a smooth career change when i was there previously and now that i have secured a new job, i will need to give thanks. and since i'm there, i might as well do another hike. but lets see the weather. if it gets too cold, i might just do some shopping instead.

:-)

career coaching

it was an exciting week for me. 

you see, i had been coaching a few colleagues on job search for a while and for one particular colleague, things developed so fast she literally went from second interview, to negotiation, to offer, to finally signing the contract all within the week! and for each single stage, i had to literally go into very specific details with her, down to things like how to craft emails, resignation letters, etc. i had to do so as she had not had a job change for the past 8-9 years and thus was totally unsure how to go through one. thus, the process was as exciting for her as it was for me. yesterday, it starting with me rehearsing with her how to negotiate the package and we had to rehearse different scenarios. and wallah! everything that i went through with her happened to the dot! even the amount that i told her she could expect to be quoted. it was just that accurate and she was totally prepared for it! the day ended with her finally accepting the offer and signing the contract!

heh heh... after a few successful career coaching attempts, i do seriously think i have what it takes to be a career coach. hahaha... (pat on my own back). and what better way to end the day then to be able to sit down with 2 ex-colleagues for dinner treat. and of cos, the treat was due to their successful job applications too.

:-)

tendered my resignation

i finally tendered my resignation this morning.

and frankly, i felt very mixed, and more relieved than happy when i did it. on one hand, i felt very uneasy and sad that i will be leaving many of my colleagues whom i have gotten rather close to over the last few years. yet, on the other hand, i felt relieved for the fact that this whole uneasy period of unauthentic relationships with my reporting manager and department head is coming to an end. i supposed i was also a little apprehensive about the new job. anyway, looking at how my department head smiled, it seemed quite certain that she was quite pleased with my resignation. 

oh, ok, ok, you wanna talk about it? was the first question she asked (and smile as she tried hard to look surprise at the same time) before we proceeded out of the office to "chat". frankly, there was nothing much to talk about. and it was so since six months ago when it was made very clear that the decision to appoint someone junior and much less experienced to be my reporting manager was purely because "they are good friends who went back a long time" and that "she'd perfectly understand if i choose to leave". but i thought a chat would be most useful. on one hand, it would reflect maturity on my part and to allow me to take control of the conversation, and on the other hand, it would allow me an opportunity to seek a waiver of notice period. i reckoned there was no harm asking.

after some initial discussions, it seemed like they are open to let me leave by 31 dec. that, to me, is a good start. i have asked if it can be brought earlier as december is usually a low-peak period. let's wait for their final answer. looks like i will be able to meet my 2016 resolution to leave my current company by year-end after all.

:-)

post-note: the last day has been fixed at 31 dec 2016. fitting end to 2016 i guess...

medical cleared

yup. finally got news that i passed the pre-employment medical tests. 

will be tendering in the next two days.

finally.

(and i am feeling a little mixed now...)

awaiting medical results

completed the pre-employment medical check on monday and when i left, i noted the doctor cleared me for every thing listed in the medical review checklist. there were 2 other things that needed clearance before i am considered cleared - the chest x-ray and the blood haemoglobin count results. i think they should be fine but still couldn't help but feel a little unsettled.

called the company today to check if they have received the report and had been told they will possibly get it this coming monday as the medical center had send it out. in the meantime, there's nothing much i can do except to wait for their call.

let's see how things go. fingers crossed.

:-)

offer signed

it happened so fast i almost couldn't believe it...

sometime end-sep (4 weeks ago), i got a call from someone asking if i was open to discuss an opportunity. this person had interviewed me some years back for another opportunity but that didn't materialise as the company decided to use internal candidates. this person had moved to a new company and is now looking for someone to join them as the company intends to move the incumbent to head another project. we chatted a bit and i eventually met up with them 3 weeks ago. that was an interesting interview as it felt more like an informal brief. i supposed they liked me for i was very quickly scheduled for a second round of interview. that interview occurred last thursday and i had to return early from my hong kong for it. 

this week, on monday evening, i got a call asking me to provide them details of 2 referees. and on tuesday morning, i got a call - can you come down for interview this evening? that interview was a very tough one and i thought i didn't make it. frankly, i was so intimidated by the whole interview and the interviewer that i had to think very hard about whether i should proceed with the opportunity. on wednesday morning, i got a call informing me that the interviewer liked my background and that they would like to make me an offer, which i accepted. and thursday i was asked to head down to sign the offer letter, which i did on friday.

it was just non-stop, one after another. the offer is pending successful medical checks which i will do this coming monday. and if all's cleared, i should be tendering my resignation end next week.

fingers crossed.

too fast

things are happening too fast! too bloody fast indeed. but i am not complaining and i will not elaborate here until things are done. will write more over this weekend.

one down (gladly)

i didn't see this coming nor did i expect it.

the interview felt so perfect and the chemistry was good. but i got an email today from the hr person telling me that despite all the good conversation and exchange of views, they have decided not to pursue this conversation further. but my immediate feeling when i got this email was not one of disappointment. instead, i felt relieved. this was because despite the good chemistry and feel-good factor, i didn't feel i connect well with the job scope. in my mind, i was hoping i will not be made to chose this over the other. 

so, yeah... i didn't see this coming nor did i expect it. but i supposed i had subconsciously hoped for it. as such, i was glad this happened. that's one less dilemma for me.

:-)

potential employers

met up with 2 companies on thursday. for one of them, it's the second time i've spoken to them and for the other, it was the first round. the chemistry with the interviewers for both companies was excellent. the conversations were very good and very two-way. 

for me, how successful i feel about any interview is based on how good i feel after the conversation and i must say that i felt really good for both. let's hope the interviewers felt the same. for now, looks like things are developing ok. fingers crossed. hopefully, things turn out positively this time round.

let's hope things go smooth this time round.

drama @ work

woke up very early. had a bad night sleep cos my body was still aching. and it was in this half-dazed state that i headed to work. was totally distracted at work through the day. lots of drama, very stressful... here's a run through of the things that happened (occurrences not in sequence).

• was dragged in to attend a half-day meeting. no head, no tail... no directions too! i had to give my inputs and share things from first principles and from my experience instead.
• a friend based in hong kong texted me to tell me there are 3 positions opened in his company that i can consider. didn't have the time to check them out but it distracted me for a moment.
• a colleague/ friend felt stressed by recent developments at work, wanna talk. yours truly never fail to provide a listening ear. always good to talk to people and to encourage them whenever i can.
• a colleague's wife gave birth. he became a father. it was such a long wait and a few of us felt anxious for him. the arrival was more than a week overdue. really very happy for him. volunteered to co-ordinate the baby gift for some of the closer colleagues. also managed to co-ordinate for the corporate hamper to be delivered to him.
• send a flower box and balloons to cheer up some ex-colleagues yesterday. it got delivered this morning. chose to remain anonymous but somehow, they suspected it was me. and next thing i know, they texted me one by one to thank me!
• rushed through preparation for some training materials. no time to prepare cos i will be away two days for training this week and next week, will be away for some events too. 
• co-ordinated a meeting to discuss though a training that's gonna happen next week, yet people don't seemed to be too stressed by it. argh...
• police came to office to arrest a colleague during lunch. created quite a stir. a few came to talk to me and wanted to hear my views. a few went on the speculate what happened. i didn't want to say anything about it. some things are better left unsaid.
• the colleague who was arrested was led back to the office by some plain clothes policeman. felt totally uncomfortable cos of the sensitivity of the whole incident. people started whispering and giving funny looks. very awkward. 
• top management convened urgent brief-the-staff session after lunch.
• colleagues asked me to connect them to headhunters during lunch. they were desperately trying to find an exit and had broached this topic as early as 3 months back. did the groundwork and finally got it done after dinner.
• a company called late morning and did a lengthy phone interview. made arrangements for a f2f interview with the hiring manager and the incumbent. should be sometime next week. hope things work out.
• and my body and legs itched like crazy today! had to go to the pharmacist to get some cream to relieve the itch. 
• etc etc...

so... yeah... lotsa things happened.

eventful day.

temple visits

visited a few temples over the last few days. first, it was the 四马路观音庙 (wateloo street guan yin temple), then it was the 光明山普觉禅诗 (bright hill buddhist temple, and finally the 城隍庙 (arumugam road cheng huang temple). went to the last one twice.

all these temples are special to me, especially the last two. and for reasons unknown, when i knelt down at the bright hill temple, i felt so overwhelmed my tears just flowed. perhaps i had felt stressed and cornered in recent times. but it felt really good to just let the tears flow.

anyway, the last few days of mc had been very restful and it allowed me to just blank off. i do not look forward to going back to work and i do not feel a sense of connection with my work anymore. but it is something i will need to continue to do as i continue to hunt for jobs. it's not a good idea to resign without a job although many a times, i really felt like doing so.

disappointment?

been 3 weeks since the interview with the top person of the mnc and just when i thought a job offer's gonna come, the headhuner called. we are so sorry... everyone is pushing for you, but the big boss has asked to look for someone local (from his country). so, please give them a little more time to try to convince the big boss. and when i asked for the reasons why the sudden change in mind, the headhunter couldn't answer. but i was assured tbat it was not becos of me. hmmm...

frankly, after being turned down by 3 big companies previously, i have learned to calibrate my expectations. so for this one, it looked like i have to wait a little longer. and as my ex-boss shared, this probably gave me an insight into the decision-making process of the company - just as i had been pre-empted by my friends before.

but well, i am not gonna let this hold me up. will continue to look for and apply other jobs.