from frustrated to amused

well... i have written much about my new boss and the negative energies all we managers have about him. and interestingly, other department people are also starting to give us funny looks. not because they thought our behaviours are weird. but rather, they have either heard of or experienced his confrontational behaviour and i suspect, kinda wondered how we have been getting along with him. and we hear people asking us things like "oh, how is you new boss?", "you ok?". and during our less formal interactions with our peers from other departments, feedback can range from diplomatic, such as "he is different", and something less that positive (but factual), like "how can he even use terms like "stupid" on people!?", "why is he so confrontational?"

and seriously, for us reporting to him, we get at least one to two nasty emails from him daily up to the point that we now are rather desensitised to it. our behaviour now is like this - when we meet each other, we would give each other the kinda "you-know-right?" grin. but one trend i can clearly see that i think reflect the uneasiness about every single one of us with him given the way he confronted us whenever we make any decisions. and that is - all of us are beginning to direct issues to him for instructions, myself included, and refusing to make decisions.

heh... 

energy not right

increasingly, i am feeling this negative energy when working with my new boss. how he can criticise the system and policies and in doing so, make it sound so personal and targeted at us. it gets to me sometimes. even if he didn't mean it, the momentary negativity that came out of his responses to our inputs didn't go well with us. and worst still, at times, he can put us down and make us sound stupid when we try to share some background as to why things are the way they are today. and i can also sense this tensions amongst all my 3 other peers/ fellow managers in the department. 

interestingly, amongst the 4 of us, apart from the one that i had a tiff with last month, all the other 3 have been sms-ing/ calling/ sharing amongst ourselves to simply vent, or to just air our tensions during moments when we feel the need to release the negative energies that arise after interacting with him. and i can see all of us being professional enough to move on and get back and focus our energies back to our team after venting and airing our thoughts. but judging by the increased frequency of this sharing lately but i am seriously not sure how long some of us can last.

for me frankly, i am feeling the urge to up my tempo in my job search all over again. and for a quick moment today, i even thought about just throwing my letter even if i do not have a job. but objectively, i know i shouldn't do this. but well... that such a thought crossed my mind kinda reflect how much negativity there are in our dynamics.

neoplasm

bp: 117/79, spo2: 99%, ok, now relax and hold out your left hand. i'll be inserting a plug. won't be painful but you need to relax ya. all done. soon, another nurse came and asked a few more questions. you are allergic to fluvoxamine right? why did you take fluvoxamine? what's your reaction when you take fluvoxamine? when was your last meal? did you drink anything this morning? such were the preparations before i was wheeled into the endoscopy centre for my procedure yesterday.

i was not required to change into the hospital gown but i was shivering when i waited for my turn. the room temperature must have been set to 20 or lower. anyway, there i was, waiting for the doctor to do the scope for me. after about 15min, he walked in. repeated some of the question again and gave the nurses the signal to proceed with the final preparations. everything happened very quickly after that.

mr sim, please confirmed this is your signature. and this too. my consent to go through the procedure was flashed in front of me. i nodded my head. mr sim, please turn to your left. mr sim, please open your mouth. i'll be squeezing a numbing liquid in and i need you to swallow. squeeze squeeze (it tasted bitter). ok, mr sim, open your mouth again. a plastic apparatus was placed in my mouth to prevent me from closing my mouth. all done. the doctor came forward, ok mr sim, i'm gonna inject some medicine into you. i saw him injecting 2 syringes of medicine into the plug (on my left hand). once done, the lights in the room were switched off and a warm yellowish glow created by the bulbs of the machines lit the room and...

                                                                                                  

i woke up to some noise. i was back in the ward and in my drowsy state, the nurse came and asked if i wanted something to eat. yes, i said and i was quickly served with a cup of beverage and a simple butter sandwich.

ok, mr sim, let me run through with you the scope finding k? well, there was no major tumor found. but we have removed some tissue for biopsy. you can go back after you've recovered but we need you to come back in two weeks time for the results.

hmmm... no tumor but biopsy? i wondered but was too tired to ask. i looked at the discharge summary later and it read: benign neoplasm on oropharyngeal wall.

i supposed all's well.

exhausting training sessions

been almost two months since i conducted this particular training and i had to do two runs over the last two days!

and this time round it was without my time-tested seasoned staff. she had left me since last month and i now had a new staff who was still learning the ropes. and despite having done this training more than 25 times over the past year and a half, i still find it rather challenging as every session brings forth new challenges due to the different participant profile (but of cos, this makes every training session very mentally engaging and fun).

anyway, monday's training came and went and all was good. not too difficult given that the participants were all new to the company and young by age. but it was exhausting nonetheless to have to stand whole day. i was, however, a little more apprehensive and worried for tuesday's (yesterday) training. and this was becos it involved existing staff and i had, on numerous previous occasions, senior staff who made use of the training session to vent and to download their frustrations with their bosses/ the company. when this happens, the training environment could get very hostile and uneasy. and yesterday, i had a rather senior person attending. this person could be rather curt at times and i was worried he could negatively affect the training. but it turned out my worries were unfounded. he was rather nice and sporting, and participated in all the activities throughout the day.

the worry about having to manage difficult characters and the energies needed to manage and conduct the training took its toll on me nonetheless. i was totally exhausted by the end of tuesday. and of cos, i didn't have the energy to make dinner and instead took mum out for dinner. i felt so bloody happy and relieved to have survived these two days! 

:-)

hectic week ahead

i hope my flu will go away by tomorrow. gonna be a superbly hectic week ahead. here's the schedule.

• monday - conduct full day stand-up training for new staff
• tuesday - conduct full day stand-up training for existing staff, gonna be challenging as many are very senior (vocal and very cynical) staff
• wednesday - 3 medical appointments in the morning following by a long meeting after lunch with my new boss
• thursday - gastroscopy, full day down
• friday - full day at work

but on the bright side, busy schedule means the days would pass very fast. so, yeah. it's weekend soon! now, let's hope my throat manage to hold up by end-monday...

lol!

lingering flu

it has been a week since i felt unwell. and i still feel so. the throat and nasal cavity remain clogged. i visited the doctor again and was given a new set of medications. stronger and more potent, said the doctor. and... i slept early on friday night, and as though it was insufficient, i slept through the whole of saturday too. and i also surprised myself by sleeping through last night too!

lol!

i have a bad feeling...

i was in taipei when i got a text from one of my colleague, someone who seldom shares her feelings. in the message, she said "i have a bad feeling about our new boss...." and she related how she often felt caught between him and other heads of departments because of his confrontational approach to things.

and i can totally understand her. cos i felt the same.

insomnia

mum said she couldn't sleep the night before my return. and when i asked her why, she said, i was so happy that you are returning that i couldn't sleep. 

that's so sweet right?

turbulence

we were forewarned about turbulence during out journey to taipei but just before we landed, the plane dropped a couple of meters momentarily. almost everyone in the plane let off a little scream and then it was all silent. i could almost hear everyone's heartbeat pounding furiously during that split second. in my mind, scenes of air crashes appeared, quite a natural reaction given the recent spate of incidents involving airplanes.

we were all so relieved when the plane finally touched down.

whew!

taipei

i have not been to taipei for many years and my impressions of the place after all these while was - it has not changed much. then again, my purpose of heading to taipei was not because i wanted to see the changes. i simply wanted a break.

and for me, an important factor before i consider it a break was - a different environment, weather and culture-wise. taipei was a natural choice given the proximity and that it is one of the destinations my company flies to. i didn't consider bangkok as i am a little anti-bkk now. i didn't want to associate myself with it as it was the cause of so much pains over the past 2 years.

anyway, taipei had not changed much. it is still as lively, and as chaotic as i last remembered it to be. we didn't venture too far away from the hotel (which was located in ximending) and kept to the areas within the reach of the city metro. but it was a good few days of visiting and soaking in the atmosphere. the places we went to include ximending (of cos) (西门町), danshui (淡水), longsanshi (龙山寺), taipei 101, shilin night market (士林夜市), etc. these were all the places we visited the last time we visited taipei.

and we just ate and ate and ate... but of cos, i couldn't really taste what i ate because my throat and nasal cavity were totally clogged up. and through the 3 days, i had to down lots of pills in my attempts to manage my cold. thankfully, i managed to keep myself free from fever.

and all too soon, 3 days came and went. 

its back to work now.

mc but not out

i am on mc today. but i refused to be defeated by my flu.

i went back to clear some work, conducted half a day's lesson, and then i went to the pool for a tan. well, not really a tan. rather, i got myself comfortable on the sundeck chairs (under the shade of course) and i fell asleep. what better way to relax after taking my medications right? it was a good hour-plus nap. and then i got about buying sapphie's food, the maid's bread, etc. before heading home.

mum, in her usual haywire self, got suspicious when i arrived home early. my boss allowed all of us heading taiwan overseas to head home early to pack, i lied. she didn't question further although i knew she was not convinced, judging by her refusal to shower until after the taiwanese drama serial. managed to cheer her up a little when i brought her out for dinner. it was rather obvious she was anxious about my impending departure. and at bedtime, she wanted to sleep on the living room sofa, saying that she wants to be awake when i leave tomorrow. managed to get her to the bedroom only after i promised i will wake her up before i leave. 

am feeling a lot better compared to last night. then again, i hope it doesn't turn bad when i arrived at taiwan. fingers crossed.

:-)

confusion

here's an example of mum's confusion between reality and tv.

today is my maid's birthday and we had gotten a cake for her. it was to be cut after dinner but as my brother was working, we had to wait for his return before doing so. the waiting, however, did not go well with my niece and nephew as they kept pestering non-stop and i ended up playing games with them - the no-brainer kinda game where i carried the cake and they chased me around the house. as for mum, she simply sat on the sofa and watched the taiwanese serial. in the serial, the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law were having a fight. it was a prolonged fight (like all taiwanese shows). it was then that my brother returned and we decided to take a pause from the tv serial to cut the cake.

we gathered around the dining table and sang the birthday song. and as we sang, the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law in the tv serial continued their fights. and mum commented "the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law are cutting cake as a way to smoothen their relationship". her remark out of no where took us by surprise. and it was clear to us all that she had gotten the tv serial and reality both mixed up.

lol...

:-)

paranoia

here's an example of mum's paranoia. and it happened out of no where.

we were watching tv this evening when the maid came out of the kitchen with a bowl of cut apples. she offered the apples to mum and i. mum refused whereas i took a piece. and as i took it, i commented that the apples were from my cousin, who visited us this morning. mum, out of no where and for no reasons, stared at me and commented in a quite hostile manner (in hokkien): "so what if it was from your cousin, i have never plotted to kill or harm anyone, so why should i be afraid (of eating the apples)".

funny right? really, the hostility was just that spontaneous. if i had not gotten used to her paranoia, i would have taken her remark quite badly. i simply ignored her. as i capture this incident here in english, i was reminded of the story of snow white and the seven dwarves and how snow white went into a deep sleep after taking a bite of the evil stepmother's poisoned apple. anyway, mum can never be snow white. she's too told and too fat to be one. 

lol!

phone calls from mum

i got myself another line couple of days back. this line would be used primarily for mum. i needed to avoid the possibility of making her upset after what happened this week. here's the story.

on wednesday, i headed out for lunch and as per normal, i called mum at 12.30pm. we spoke for a while before hanging up. it was a little more than half an hour later when i checked my phone and i saw 17 missed calls from mum. i got worried and immediately called back. mum said she didn't call and simply said i was "bluffing" her.  that afternoon, at about 5pm, i got 7 missed calls from her. once again, i called back but she denied calling me.

i went home, and she insisted i was pulling fast one and accusing her of calling me so many times. it didn't help when i showed her the call register in my phone. she simply denied ever calling me. and then as a clear sign of her paranoia, she said she knew who called me, and said she couldn't find her phone and that it must be someone trying to do things behind her back. as she said so, she looked at the maid.

i simply told her that if she had not called, then it could be a simple case of her sitting on her phone/ pressing the button by mistake and where the phone called the last dialled number. she refused to accept this reasoning and insisted that she knew who had tampered with her phone...

so i got myself a new line and i will use this to call her. she doesn't know this new number and if i get calls from this number, i'd know she had pressed it by mistake. 

:-)

coming taiwan trip

will be heading to taiwan this coming tuesday.

looking forward to it although i am not sure what my plans would be once i reached there. think i'll just take things easy and let bee do the planning. have told my mum i'd be away for work and she seemed ok about it. let's hope she stays this way. she's been coughing quite a bit these few days and my worry is that if she were to fall sick, it would be rather challenging for the maid to take care of her alone when i leave for taiwan. let's see how things go.

for now, fingers crossed.

ticks again

yesterday, the maid told me that she noticed ticks after sweeping the floor. that was not a good sign to me cos for ticks to be present on the floor, it mean sapphie would have been infested quite badly with them.

how could this be? i thought cos i had applied the medication on sapphie about 2 weeks back. nonetheless, i combed over sapphie's body and to my horrors, i found many (as in really really many) ticks. i noted that this species is a different one from what i had seen before. my only suspicion is that this species is either resistant to the medication or that i needed to apply on a more regular interval. 

i did another combing of her body today and found no less than 50-plus of them. and to make things worst, i also noted many ticks on the corners of my room ceiling. oh dear... need to buck up over the next couple of days to get rid of them.

sighs...

insomnia & flu

i had been experiencing very bad nights last two weeks or so. would wake up at 2am, 3am, etc nightly and end up heading to work tired. really not sure why this is so. but i suspect my mind was all stressed out given that i have a new (and perceived to be hostile) boss. this was worsened by the fact that mum had been going in and out of her moods again.

two nights ago, i was so physically overwhelmed by about 9.45pm i simply knocked out. couldn't walk properly nor stay awake. i fell into a deep sleep almost immediately but woke up at 12am, and stared at the ceiling for a long while before falling asleep again. to make things worst, my nasal cavity felt so parched and dry and i woke up unable to talk.

today, my body gave in. i started coughing, i had blocked nose, and the mucus that i spitted out was dark brown in colour. i had full blown flu. went to the clinic to get some medication and was given an injection too. the doctor was nice enough to also give me a day's mc for tomorrow.

:-)

first half month 2015

things seemed to be going relatively smoothly for me this first fortnight of 2015. nonetheless, there is this very uneasy feel about how things will develop in the months ahead. let's see how things go, especially for work. as i had reflected before, i needed to learn to let go and relax.

:-)

challenging times

i think my work life will be kinda interesting and challenging moving ahead. and i say so because of my new boss. here's some things that made me think so...

• he asked me to brief him about the system i had so conscientiously set up since i joined the company. and he spend no time to consider the difficult people-related factors that shaped the system as it is today, but simply criticised it and i was made to feel worthless (although i was not sure if that was his intent).
• he asked for background about things, and when i shared the details, he got flustered and simply said i don't care about who and what happened in the past, all i know is that i am answerable for this and i want it to be done this way. period.
• he was always quick to criticise and seldom spend time to reflect on the details. and this got worst when he went around asking department heads about their view about my department. and worst of it all, he simply accept their views without verifying details and wanted to change things.
• he kept telling us that he had reached his pinnacle and that his time with the company is because he was asked to join by my top boss and thus, he has nothing to prove, but to do what he is supposed to do. and he framed it very very narrowly. shan't go into details, but i really don't feel good about people who brag about having reached pinnacle.

objectively, in my two years with my current company, i had a lady leader who cared about us, and who gave us full trust in all we do. i also had a guy who refused to make decisions and for everything that you surface or suggest to him, he will give 10,000-and-1 excuse why it should not be done, and now, i have a boss who gives us no trust and who wanted to poke his finger into every little things we do.

gonna be an interesting and challenging time for me in the coming year...

seventh son

one thing i cannot understand was why the hell did jeff bridges speak like as though he has a huge (whatever) stuck in his mouth. it was difficult enough to follow the dialogue, and then he has to swallow his words throughout the show. doh! this is a show that i can best describe as predictable, no high and no low, in another words, flat. but well, if you were to go in without expectations, you will be able to enjoy it. 

i did.

:-)

good start 2015

2015 got off a reasonably good start.

bee has gotten a lot more sensitive to me. this was despite initial days of discomfort and mutual frictions over openness. and in the process, quite a few unarticulated past tensions surfaced. i supposed it allowed some clarifications. he has deleted his facebook account following that early morning's dumping by me. it was interesting but it felt like we were both trying to talk more. and we met up for high tea, for an afternoon show (i took leave as he was not working), etc...

but well, is this an initial heat of the moment to make up for the pains created? will this effort die of after the initial couple of days? will he continue to be sensitive to me and make the efforts to talk to me? will he go back to being self-centred and insensitive to me? i don't know. but let's just use this moment to try to strengthen the weakened bonds that was created over time. as i said, i wanted to do my part as a partner, let's hope he does his too moving ahead.

:-)

goals for 2015

here's the distilled list of "i wills" for 2015, framed from my end-of-year 2014 post. call it resolutions or guiding principles if you may, this list of "i wills" will guide me in my life for 2015. 

personal life

• build personal emotional resilience
• give myself the space/ the me-time
• respect myself and to love myself more

mum

• do my utmost to balance between her needs and my space

bee

• play my part as a partner

sapphie

• care for her 
• give her the attention she needs

siblings

• play my role as a brother/ uncle
• have no expectations of my siblings

health

• exercise and learn to relax
• ensure a good balance between eat what's good vs what's nice

work

• review my professional progression

friends

• keep the relationships going
• make more efforts to meet up

online friends (such as bloggers)/ blogging

• capture my life and experiences