Recent KL/ PJ Trip

I was in Malaysia Petaling Jaya/ KL recently.

The main reason why I went away was becos I didn't want to be at home on his birthday. Anyway, during the trip, I managed to have a good catch up with 2 long time friends. I was really glad one of them opened up more to me and that I could be part of his journey as a gay person. It was a regret not to be able to catch up with more people as it was a really short trip and that the trip was on weekdays where all were working.

Looking forward to more such short trips.

Decluttering

He moved into the guest room a day after he said he wanted to break off. And over the last month, he managed to find a place to move in to. He moved out of the house last morning. There are some big items that he left behind - his work desk, his chair, etc. He couldn't move them out as the new room he rented could not accommodate these items. Since then, I had spent a good part of the last 2 days clearing the room. I also took the opportunity to declutter some of my own stuff. Here're some things I noted:

• Decluttering a space is not as simple as it seemed.
• You do not just discard things and declutter just a space. 
• You also end up rearranging a lot of things, and it includes things from other rooms.
• And very soon, you start to declutter the whole house.
• You think, reflect, reminisce as you pick through the items.
• Do I throw? Do I keep? 
• It was a draining process, physically, and emotionally.
• You can remove, rearrange, discard many physical items but you cannot remove the memories associated with the items.
• I ended up revisiting memories of my past - him, my mum, my maid, etc 
• Memories from the distant past are warm and sweet.
• Memories from recent past are more complex and raw...

Recent and distant memories of many things and different people from the past came to mind, all at the same time. The emotions was very complex. I was neither happy, sad, nor disappointed. But I reminded myself to just keep focus and clean. I supposed discarding things help me move on as it reminded me of the finality and impermanence of things.

I think so much...

Spiralling

I am spiralling. My life, that is. I know it is not good and not the right thing to do, but I allow myself to be consumed by circumstances currently. Let it spiral. Let it loose... I only live once.

Control the mind

Invariably, I find my mind running loose at times. And I don't like this feeling - one of loneliness, of pain, of desires, of loss, etc. I kept reminding myself that I need to take control. This is perhaps against what most people talk about - the 5 stages of grief. Let it loose, let the emotions take over, etc... But I refuse to. I reframed things. I want to move along quick. I need to control my mind. I need to take charge. I need to move forward. For my own sanity.

Reminder for myself

Corporate Midas

Proud of myself.

New WiFi name

Found myself hurting again this morning when he reset the wifi name and password. But no, I will not. I need to move ahead.

In the dark

In the coach, when the lights go off, and when the soothing music flows, the mind takes over. Invariably, it brings me to places I don’t want to be. Need to take control and focus on the positives.

Look forward.

Lotus petals

The lotus grows out of muddy waters. When the petal drops, it floats aimlessly, the destination guided by where the water flows… it feels like me currently. Jaded. Tired. And letting life dictate where I should head, emotionally. Perhaps it’s good to just take a break and see where things go from here.

Leaving it to fate

Decided to head up to KL this week. A quick escape and to avoid being around him on his birthday. This is a quick few liner while traveling in the coach.

Loss

And here’s the thing - one can never get over the trauma of experiencing loss.

Coaching hours

To get myself certified as a coach, I need to attend 3 training modules, undergo 3 mentoring sessions, take an ICF-administered exam, and accumulate minimally 100 coaching hours. I have thus far done 2 modules and have registered myself for the third in June. As for the 100 coaching hours, I have managed to clock close to 60 hours. It has been a tough journey but one that is hugely rewarding.

My client base now includes referrals such as friends of friends as well as their spouses. And to get updates from my friends that their referrals found me good and that they had benefited from my coaching was a huge motivation for me. It tells me I am moving on the right track! I need to keep up my momentum and hopefully, I can reach my 100 hours within the next 2 - 3 months.

Keep going Jeffrey!

New arrangements

With the end of this relationship, I am no longer held back in many of my decision making with regards how I'm going to live my life. 

These include how I am going to manage my assets. For the longest time, he was a big factor and with him gone, I have sold my car. I do not need this luxury, and the monies saved will go a long way to help me during this period of career transition. As for my apartment, he refused to let me rent out the guest room as he abhors the thought of having a stranger in the house. With him moving out soon, I have started asking for help to look for a tenant. This would immediately provide me an added source of passive income as I study options for my longer term housing needs, such as purchasing public housing. 

Secondly, I now have a whole lot of time and freedom to explore the social aspects of my life. These include making new friends, dating, etc etc and so, I have increased my presence in Grindr, meet up with friends, ex-colleagues, etc, many whom I’ve not caught up for a while. I had failed these connections in the past as I had prioritised all my time towards him. I realised belatedly how much I have shortchanged myself as a result. I never learned, have I?! I am also planning my own overseas trips now. Previously, I need to take into considerations his work schedules, leave entitlement etc. Admittedly, loneliness and a sense of loss are the main factors that drive all these decisions. But I have to start somewhere.

In the meantime, and perhaps as an escape and distraction, I have invested all my energies into my coaching. Positively, it helped me clock my hours faster. I have also spent much of my time out of the house. Avoiding him and not interacting with him helps me move along faster. Since the break up, I have not met up with our immediate close group of LGBT friends whom we hang out with weekly. I have asked them to render maximum support to him during this period and to celebrate his birthday next week. Will reach out to them once things are more settled. 

So yeah, so many things happening all at once. It is still somewhat unsettling for me. But I am in a much better place today than I was 2 weeks ago. He is currently overseas and I can spend some good time at home. The realisation of all these possibilities, especially the dating, meet ups, etc is quite liberating and exciting! I believe it will take me sometime to re-establish a new balance in how I conduct my life. But I must embrace this transition period well for my own sanity, and well-being. I need to reclaim my own sense of self. And for now... 

Go forth and celebrate your new found freedom Jeffrey!

:-)

Goodbye car

Have sold off my car.

Been holding on to it for a while despite my shift to public transport since I stopped work. The car was used mainly on weekends for my grocery shopping and for us to head off for our Friday evening/ weekend programmes. I had refused to sell it despite knowing that it was draining my financial resources - loan, insurance, tax, petrol, etc amounting to an estimate of $1000-plus every month. I had held on to it for the convenience and, most importantly, to allow me to pick/ send him when the need arises. So…

Selling the car is as much a way to manage my finances as much as a way to help me move along. After all, the car was bought after we came together and the red colour was chosen by him. If given a choice, I’d go for dark blue. Heh… The new owner took formal ownership of it and drove off with it yesterday. And so here I am - carless after 33/34 years. But positively, I did not lose too much in terms of the monetary value given the much higher Certificate of Entitlement (COE) today than it was when I first bought it.

Gonna get use to the new state of mind.

:-)