2025 - Grounded, then Surrendered

Preface

This entry took me more than a month to write, even with some help from ChatGPT. It has been one of the hardest pieces I’ve written in a long time. My first draft was too raw - influenced too much by experiences that are still unfolding. I needed time and distance before I could sit with the year and see it with greater clarity. 

I also struggled with the descriptors for the year. I didn’t want it to sound overly negative, yet I wanted it to reflect the truth of what the year held. I considered single words like gratitude, compassion, courage, surrender - all of which felt close, but not quite complete. The turning point came after Christmas, when I decided I didn’t need to force the year into a single narrative. Instead, I could honour it as it was lived - in two very distinct parts. And with this, I chose a dual-descriptor title - Grounded, then Surrendered.

This reflection follows that structure. 

I welcome comments but request that no questions be asked. It is simply my attempt to make sense of a year that asked much of me - and changed me in ways I am still coming to understand.

====***====

2025 began grounded and purposeful, before giving way to a season that demanded surrender and introspection.

A year after leaving corporate life and earning my credentials as a trainer and coach, I stepped into 2025 ready to rebuild. There was momentum and a quiet confidence in how I should push forth but things did not happen the way I wanted it to. What unfolded was a first half shaped by movement and purpose, and a second that called for a very different kind of presence altogether.

Part I: Grounded & Purposeful (January - May)

2025 kicked off with the momentum established in 2024. It carried a sense of rhythm and direction, and life felt anchored. There was meaning in the work I was doing, energy in the connections I was nurturing, and a quiet confidence in how I showed up each day. I was engaged, contributing, and moving with intention. I was mentoring, coaching and training. And I was traveling…

Then the year shifted... big time!

Part II: Surrender & Introspection (June - December)

From mid-year onward, life pressed in ways beyond my control. What followed was a sustained period of constraint and reckoning. Freedom narrowed significantly. Time came to a standstill. Familiar reference points disappeared. This period became a season of surrender. Strength no longer looked like progress or achievement. Instead, it was about staying present, honest and facing harsh realities. I told myself I must take accountability despite being confronted with fear, vulnerability, and uncertainties. But during this time, something quieter emerged: Clarity. Not dramatic or sudden, but quiet and steady. I came to recognise that endurance, moment by moment, could itself be a form of strength.

Rediscovering Purpose & Compassion 

This period crystallized my understanding of purpose. I had previously believed purpose was something found at the end of the journey - a destination reached through striving. But 2025 taught me otherwise. Purpose revealed itself in small, often unremarkable moments: choosing presence, offering care and support, staying engaged even when depleted. Supporting others - through mentoring, coaching, and training - remained central. Even during the most constrained months, I continued to walk alongside people and helping them navigate their uncertainties. Admittedly, there were many days where I had absolutely nothing left in me to offer except to listen and to hold space quietly. And it made me realise that purpose is not measured by outcomes or visibility, but by consistency and sincerity. I also learned that compassion must begin from within to be truly effective. I needed to be patient and gentle with myself when I was exhausted, and to forgive myself when I met my limits and could offer no more. Only then could I continue to be present for others.

Family & Meaningful Relationships 

This year clarified who truly matters. Despite the strains in relationships in 2024, family showed up in ways that were steady and unquestioning. Their presence anchored me when everything else felt uncertain. Friends and colleagues who continued to trust me - despite the circumstances - reminded me that connection is sustained through constancy, not convenience. During this period, new relationships were made, even as existing ones were tested and revealed their limits. Some drifted. Some disappointed. But I am grateful to all. These relationships continued to teach me about the importance of truth, boundaries, and reciprocity. 

Spiritual Grounding through Buddhism 

The experiences I had made me go back to my spiritual roots. Buddhism became a steady anchor through this period. I returned to regular meditation - sitting, observing, allowing - it became less a practice and more a refuge. It taught me again that surrender is not weakness but courage: the courage to remain present, to loosen the grip on certainty, to meet experience as it is. Through practice, I learned to trust impermanence rather than resist it. To find steadiness not in control, but in awareness. In stillness, I found clarity. In acceptance, strength. And in letting go, freedom. 

Inner Strength and Quiet Courage 

This year tested courage in ways I didn’t expect. Not the dramatic kind, but the kind that endures. The courage to take accountability. To feel fully. To act with integrity when no one is watching. To continue supporting others while carrying my own weight internally. There were moments when I was stretched beyond comfort - holding space for others while managing my own discomfort and uncertainty. And in doing so, I discovered a resilience I had not known before. In the process, I learned that strength is not always visible but simply the decision to stay present, to respond with care, and to keep going. 

Well-Being, Health, and Self-Compassion 

A major breakthrough this year is in the area of health. Despite several health scares, I end the year with a clean bill of health - heart, kidneys, blood pressure all steady. In many ways, I am healthier than I have in decades. This year reinforced that caring for the body is not indulgence, but responsibility. Movement, nourishment, rest, and rhythm became acts of respect. They grounded me and gave me the capacity to endure. Every walk, every mindful meal, every pause became a quiet affirmation: I matter. Well-being is not merely survival; it is living with intention. It is preserving the capacity to show up - for life, and for others. 

2025 in a Nutshell 

This year was defined by contrast - between movement and stillness, effort and surrender, certainty and unknowing. It was a year that forced things onto me, stripped things back and tested me in ways I did not anticipate nor choose.  But I chose how to meet them and in doing so, I found Clarity. Strength. Purpose. Compassion - for others and for myself.

Looking Ahead to 2026

The Chinese zodiac predicts that 2026, the Year of the Fire Horse, will be a superbly challenging year for me (as I’m a Fire Horse myself) and friends have suggested that I keep a low profile to protect myself. Perhaps 2025 was meant to prepare me for it. Whatever the case, I step into 2026 carrying the lessons of 2025: 

• To remain grounded in gratitude, even when life feels uncertain. 
• To live with purpose and compassion, through mentoring, coaching, and presence. 
• To embrace vulnerability and courage, showing up even when it feels uncomfortable. 
• To nurture relationships that matter, rooted in trust and authenticity. 
• To deepen my spiritual practice, allowing surrender to guide me. 
• To care for my health and well-being, so I can continue to live and serve fully. 

2026, I am ready.

Happy New Year everybody!

Entering 60

With 2026 round the corner, it just hit me that I will be entering a new decade of my life in the coming year. 

By the Chinese zodiac cycle, I would have fully completed my sexagenary cycle (六十甲子）or five cycles, covering all 5 elements, of the 12 animal signs - a significant milestone by traditional standards. Many people I know make it a point to celebrate their 60th birthday in a rather grand manner. After all, one is said to be “reborn” when one hits 60. 

Admittedly, I did have the same thought - maybe throw a grand dinner at a restaurant and invite family and friends? Sounds good but I don’t have many friends! And as for family… let’s not even go there given the realities of who is not talking to who, who is not on good terms with who, etc…

Anyway, this is just a random post. But yes, the turn of the year has made me a little more conscious of time, and of how I should live the last phase of my life. For now, let’s close 2025 properly. I’ll post my annual reflection tomorrow at midnight.

Can’t wait for 2025 to end!

A nice update

A friend I knew recently secured a job! 

Am so very happy for him, especially given the challenging circumstances he’s in (not gonna share further here cos it’s not relevant). Started talking him to him about job search 2 months ago but as it’s the year end period, things were somewhat slow. Nonetheless, he managed to land an interview 2 weeks ago and I spent some time preparing him for it.

He called me after the interview sounding disappointed. He felt it didn’t go well as he got nervous and fumbled many times. But he said the hiring manager was nice and made him feel comfortable during the interview itself. I thought that was a good thing but didn’t say anything as I didn’t want to raise his expectations. 

Then he called me on Christmas Eve to tell me he has been offered the job and he has accepted it! I could literally feel his excitement when he called me! It will be a great start for him come 2026! Hopefully he can turn his life around and things get stabilized for him soon!

Hurray!

Yum Seng!

I’m not supposed to be drinking alcohol. Then again, I’ve decided to reward myself with one can of beer today. I’ve been working hard physically and I’ve ended the day with a relatively high calorie deficit! So, why not, right? 

I used to drink strong beers such as Tiger, Carlsberg, Corona, 1664, Budweiser, etc but over the last couple of years, I have switched to Chinese beer such as Tsingtao or Snow. They are lighter and smoother, and go perfectly well with north-eastern Chinese food such as skewered meat (yums!). Anyway, a dear friend visited me 2-3 months back and brought along 2 cans of Carlsberg Special Brew. Downed one during the visit and have kept one in the fridge since. Totally love it!

So yeah, cheers!

Merry Christmas

It’s so nice and warm to receive a traditional Christmas card from an ex-neighbour turned family friend. Such a lovely gesture, one that is deeply appreciated!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Ps: ever noticed how our greetings to people closest or most familiar to us, eg family, is always shorter than those we send to people who are further away, eg. colleagues and bosses? Right?

Balcony Visitors

Lately, I’ve had quite a few visitors to my balcony daily! They include mynahs, spotted doves, sunbirds, sparrows and even the Asian koels. It’s really nice to see them visiting and perching on my balcony. And of course, the mynahs are comfortable enough to even come into the house and step all over my meditation mat! 

I also noted that swallows tend to stay a bit further away and perch themselves on my neighbour’s window ledge instead. Other than that, there were the infrequent dragonflies, bees, butterflies, and not to mention the perennial pests such as ants, houseflies, moths, wasps and even mosquitoes. Thankfully, the pests only visit me once in a blue moon…

:-)

ps: Can you spot the spotted dove in the photo above?

Covid-19 Jab

I’ve just had my Covid-19 vaccination.

It’s my eighth dose. I’ve diligently gone for my free annual jabs as recommended by the health ministry given my medical history. Thus far, I’ve consistently taken the Moderna vaccine but this time round, I decided to just go to the nearest polyclinic where the Pfizer-BioNTech/ Comirnaty (mRNA) vaccine is administered.

The whole process was very fast and efficient and the nurse was superbly professional about it. After checking my details and chatting with me about my medical history, medications etc, she gave me the jab and asked that I rest for 15min before I leave. She’s such a nice warm person and the jab was next to painless!

From registration to completion of observation, it was all done within half an hour from my arrival!

Food distribution

I signed up as a volunteer to distribute food to the needy yesterday. It was done as part of the Christmas festivities to distribute some chocolates, cakes, and sweets to residents. It was indeed an eye-opening experience for me, seeing with my very own eyes people from the lower rungs of the society who live in rental flats and who needed that extra help with their daily life. 

It was very nice that the mayor herself turned up to thank us. She also introduced her teams from the family assistance organisations, community centre, resident committees, etc to us. I was surprised and gratified to know of the many activities and initiatives these set-ups organise regularly for these residents. Admittedly, I do quietly wonder if some of these residents end up becoming over-reliant on these aids.

I think too much.

Terms of 2025

Words that I learned in 2025:

• UFO
• landing
• protected persons
• yard
• baba
• pending
• cluster
• tag
• day room
• UT
• KS
• holding 
• catamite
• muster

There are more but these were the key ones for me...

59

I turn 59 today. 

It feels kind of weird even saying that, because I’ve been telling people I’m 59 since the start of the year. In fact, there have been many times when I’ve simply said I’m 60. Some people consider an age ending with “9” inauspicious as it symbolises an ending. They prefer to round it up to the next decade to represent an auspicious beginning. So technically, using the rounding up method, I was already 60 last year by Chinese calendar age, and 60 this year by Gregorian calendar age. Thus, I’ll turn 60 next year with the “Hey, I’ve already been 60 for two years” frame of mind!  

And in a (gay) community that celebrates youth and looks above almost everything else, it can be quite amusing. When I tell people I’m 60, the usual response - after seeing my face pic is, “Wow, you don’t look your age at all! You look so young!” In contrast, when I say I’m in my 50s, I sometimes get an immediate block - presumably a “WTF, you look so old and fugly” judgement. Everything is relative, right? And tbh, I’ve largely gone beyond feeling upset when I get blocked. Everyone has their preferences. I get that. 

Anyway, today will be a very simple affair. My sister is treating me to dinner tonight. A few friends are celebrating my birthday in their own little (but very much appreciated) ways - dropping by with a cake, sending me a couple of cake slices, buying me lunch, and the likes. I’ve also been receiving birthday wishes from quite a few friends, including some unexpected ones, and I’m truly appreciative of their kindness and thoughtfulness. 

So… happy 60th birthday to me! 

;-)

Walking in the Rain

I went for my routine walk after lunch today.

The sky was dark and cloudy and it started drizzling halfway through my walk. I didn’t run for shelter and just continued walking. I even took off my singlet and let the rain fall directly onto my body. It felt good. It felt liberating. And the nice cool weather just added to the overall feel. Dec & Jan have always been the best months of the year for me despite the frequent rain that can get very heavy sometimes. The weather during these 2 months can drop to 22/ 23C daily. And it feels really pleasant, even if it rains.

I came home totally drenched, but it was such a lovely walk!

:-)

My (ex-) Tenant

I probably missed this amidst my preoccupations with life over the past few months.

My tenant moved out on 25 August at the end of his tenancy contract. As I was away, my second sister settled his out-processing and cleaned his room after he left. He had had the entire flat to himself since 23 June when I went away. Thankfully, he did not mess up the place too badly nor invite guests over (based on my condominium’s visitor records).

This tenant had some rather odd habits and was not particularly neat or clean when it came to washing the toilets, cleaning up after cooking, and after his meals. I often had to catch up on the cleaning whenever he was away. As expected, during my absence, he left quite a bit of stains and considerable cleaning of the kitchen stove was required.

Looking back, it was interesting how I had initially wanted to avoid PRC tenants due to differences in social habits, yet I ended up having one as my tenant. However, after my initial interactions with him, I realized he was somewhat different. Although he is from China, he was quite explicit about not wanting to associate himself with anything related to China. He had also lived outside China for most of the past decade and only returned to visit his family during Chinese New Year.

I suspect he comes from a wealthy family, as he regularly wires money from Australia and orders food delivery almost daily, with each meal costing him about $15 - 20. And despite not working, he travels overseas frequently, including holidays to Malaysia, New Zealand, and elsewhere. But credit to him, he doesn’t brag about his money and most importantly, he pays his rent on time!

With his departure, I have lost my monthly passive income. My sister has asked whether I would like her to source for new tenants, but I have told her to give me some time, as I would like to enjoy my privacy for now.

Traditional Teochew Pastries

I’ve always enjoyed traditional pastries, especially those Teochew ones. Then again, I’ve always like sweet stuff. Ok, back to Teochew pastries… Years ago, we can find them at every housing estates but these days, the shops have dwindled to just a few. It is unsurprising, given the popularity of more varied and trendy international fares these days.

And so, whenever I visit Chinatown, I will make it a point to buy the tau sar piah (mung bean pastry) from Poh Guan. Their mung bean filling is fragrant, moist and not too sweet. And when I feel indulgent, I will also get the la piah - a larger version of the tau sar piah and traditionally given as gifts during happy occasions, eg weddings, in the old days.

Let’s hope this stall continue to operate for a long time to come! It will be so sad if this stall stop operations, just like how many had disappeared over the years.

Ps: I bought 4 pieces of la piah today and look at their beautiful box! So retro too! 

Being Cruel to be Kind

Sometimes one has to be cruel to be kind. 

I’m at the point where I probably need to give someone the cold-turkey treatment. I got to know him couple of months ago and he has a big crush on me. Since the start, I’ve put it very clearly and explicitly to him that I’m not interested in any relationship. After an initial emotional swing on his part, things seemed to settle for a while.

I assumed he had accepted it and continued the friendship, often supporting him as he navigated life. But his actions, time and again, suggest he’s still not over me. Often, our conversations would end up very tense and difficult. He’d nitpick things I’ve said, takes them out of context, and makes accusations. It’s superbly exhausting. And now he’s edging into emotional blackmail.

I think I’ll have to cut contact for some time, much as I dislike doing so. But at this point, it feels like the only way for him to regain his footing - and, more importantly, for me to have some peace.

Sigh…

post-note: after reflecting, perhaps a better way to phrase the title would be "Being compassionate for longer term good". It better reflects the good intentions behind the action.

My Aging Layer

At 58, going 59, I am considered one of the youngest in my generation. Many of my cousins are in their 60s and a small number of them are already in their 70s or 80s. And these 2 months were especially significant to my family as both my brothers-in-law marked their 70th birthday - my eldest sister’s husband celebrated his birthday last month and my second sister’s husband today.

Time flies indeed… I could still remember vividly how they were first introduced to the family back in the 80s and the many life’s milestones that came to define the lives of both my eldest and second sis - their respective weddings, birth of their daughters, children’s growing years, school going days, retirement, etc. It had been a long journey.

I wish them both well! 

PS: come to think of it, I’m already a grand uncle to many! 

Meat Meat Meat!

Managed to get some time out to meet an ex-colleague for a yakiniku dinner last evening!

And wow - it’s been ages since I last had proper BBQ meat. I think we easily downed more than a kilogram of food: chicken, pork, and especially beef. The wagyu cuts were amazing, melt-in-your-mouth good. 

Of course, I also loaded up on kimchi, a vegetable salad with sesame dressing and topped it all off with two huge mugs of yuzu highball. Such a satisfying meal. 

Super nice. Yumz!

2 Dec 1932

If my mum were still around, she would have celebrated her 93rd birthday yesterday. 

2 December has, and will always, make me feel warm inside, knowing that it was a special day for her and for everyone in the family - especially me. I never failed to celebrate this special day for her with a pandan kaya cake - the only cake she’d take as she abhors anything buttery!

Happy birthday Mum - wherever you are now!

:-)

image from https://bengawansolo.sg/pandan-kaya.html

Grateful

I had, and still am, going through challenging times, and my previous post had rightfully sounded negative. But as I look back, there is still much to appreciate quietly. 

For the unwavering presence of family and friends, for the trust of those I was able to support in small ways, and for the little moments that reminded me that purpose is found in the journey, not only in the destination. For the chance to cultivate compassion - for others and for myself - and for the health that allowed me to keep moving forward. These simple blessings, quietly powerful, have been steady companions throughout the year. 

Above all, we owe it to ourselves to adopt a positive and grateful perspective when the going gets rough and tough. 

:-)

Positivity

I shall write about happy & positive things this month to close the year! It is after all December - a month of festivities!