Sunday, 29 July 2007

ndp preview

had the opportunity to attend the ndp preview yesterday. i asked the following:
  • how can one possibly clear the crowd fast if you position a police officer directly in front of the metal detector & use the manual metal detector on every single person after he walks pass the metal detector? what is the purpose of the metal detector in this case? weird.
  • how can one possibly sing the songs when one feels choked and overwhelmed with nationalistic pride almost through the whole show? (kudos to the committee for a good show)
  • how can one possibly focus on any one aspect of the show when one is continuously overwhelmed by something happening consistently at different sides of one's view?
  • what will ndp look like if there are no PLUs :-) interesting cos in almost every aspects of the whole production, i see a gay man/ woman's name being reflected... from show, to song, to score, dance, choreography, etc etc etc...
  • who does the proof-reading of the ndp booklet? for i see traffic police spelt as raffic police. for a while, i thought it was a new police division that was not previously disclosed :-)
but well, it was a good experience considering it is the first time the show is being staged at marina bay. some minor hitches but i guess that is what preview is all about - a full dress rehearsal for all, including the minister himself :-)

Saturday, 28 July 2007

james the gay activist

i cannot imagine james being a gay activist. he would not even want to be seen in public with me near him. no public affection, no close proximity, cannot walk too close to him... in case his students see him... well, i guess a person does change. and perhaps he has come to realise that it is his own state of mind that he has to overcome. and if this is so, perhaps he is more closeted than me in some ways? or perhaps it is influenced by dominic (still, i dislike mentioning this name in my blog).

then again, it does not matter. as long as he is happy, i will be happy. at least he is doing something he believes in and he enjoys doing it.

and yes, at times i do miss him.

still.


Friday, 27 July 2007

377A

will the removal of 377A change anything if the local populace remain conservative? 377A - is it another case of keeping it as a symbol to show that the greater populace is still conservative? and in keeping 377A, does it not reflect negatively the intolerance of the general populace? which is more detrimental? i guess it depends on which side one is looking from. and perhaps, it is not the presence of 377A but rather, how it is being used that is the crux of the matter.

then again, is the feeling of being trapped a state of the mind? to what extend is the feeling of being trapped self-imposed? which is more lasting - evolution of revolution?

i have my answers.

you may not agree with it.

so be it, i respect that.

& let's leave it at that.

then again, there are gaymen out there who do not even know what 377A is... i know gay ah peks who have lived together for years and are oblivious its existence... and for that matter, i know many gays who do not practise anal sex and as such, 377A becomes irrelevant... to them, and to these people, it is the culture, the social attitude to alternative lifestyles that matters and not something called 377A.

this brings me back to the question - is the feeling of being trapped a state of the mind? to what extend is the feeling of being trapped self-imposed?


of rainbows, black & white and everything in between

there has been a recent discussion and debate on homosexuality again. and i do see many people sharing their views about the issue. some are for it, some are against it. and of cos from their individual perspectives (be it from a moral, religious etc angle), everything that is said is correct and justified and i respect them for it. i recognise that in any society, there will always be a whole range of views about anything and everything. and that there will always be a divide. there will always be individuals that chose to impose their values on other individuals through public policies, individuals who chose to take things in their own hands and be biased towards homosexuals/ heterosexuals, or for that matter, homosexuals against/ for homosexuality, heterosexuals against/ for homosexuality, etc. it's never ending... how conservative or liberal a person is and his sexuality are two different dimensions and there are different permutations. there are no right or wrong views. it is a matter of whose perspective these views are being discussed from and to what degree one wants to add qualifiers to his view. eg (and very very crudely) a cock cannot enter an anus... oh, unless, the anus is that of a female, and for that matter, a willing female, and yes, a female deemed an adult, la la la... where to end?... ultimately, what has not change are the cock and anus...

so what is homosexuality? what is a homosexual? is it a state of mind? or an act of same-sex sex? or is it based on observable behaviour? it seems like the definition is not that clearly defined afterall (have extracted how wiki has defined it below... follow the links)...

as for me, all i know is that i am gay, i love men, i am sexually attracted to men, i enjoy sex with men. i do not find women sexually attractive, and i cannot even imagine myself having sex with a woman; for the longest time in my life, i had struggled with my sexuality, have hated myself, tried to make sense of my struggles and eventually came to terms with myself at age 30. i have since grown, self-acceptance comes self-love. no straight person can understand and appreciate what i went through during those years of self-struggles and the process of coming out. it's like having to unlearn everything you thought you knew and to relearn everything all over again. i am happy the way i am now and i will live my life the way i like... and to my best.

as for my position in the society, let's put it this way, i will respect everyone and their right to exist. i will be a responsible person who respects and would do no harm to another fellow human being. i also respect the majority's views and will not conduct myself in a manner that would impose on their comfort. and in return, i do sincerely wish for them NOT to intrude into my private spaces. what i do in my privacy is a matter between me and my partner. no one can dictate who i sleep or have sex with. i have mention this before and i say it again - if i wanna screw, i screw, if i wanna get fucked, i get fucked, if i wanna suck, i suck, if i wanna get sucked, i get sucked... let's not be so naive as to pretend these things don't happen. it happens between 2 human beings, regardless of whether they are homosexual or heterosexual. for me, no public ruling is gonna stop me from doing these acts of basic instincts.

i am no activist and don't pretend to be one... all i know is that i am a person who goes about being myself and tries to convince people around me to judge me for what i am and what i am capable of not by my sexuality. and hopefully, through this awareness, come to accept homosexuals in general as the same as that of any other heterosexuals. and if by that, i am branded a passive activist - so be it... ;-)

just be happy...

Definition of Homosexuality from Wikipedia
Homosexuality can refer to both sexual behavior and sexual attraction between people of the same sex or to a sexual orientation. When describing a sexual orientation, it refers to enduring sexual and romantic attraction toward others of the same sex, but does not necessarily involve sexual behavior.[1]


blabbers of the week

... of names, prefixes & suffixes
there are so many common names and it's interesting how we tag additional references to them... for example, i have edmund chong-eddie's ex, edmund the one you dislike, edmund the officer, ice cream james, watch james, my ex james, chong my ex, chong your ex, etc etc etc... :-)

... of shows and plays
paprika - nice. somehow it also reminds me of james cos it reminds me of spirited away, ds dolly - entertaining but a bit too koh-yok for national day, asian boys vol 3 - balanced views and entertaining, harry porter - magical (doh?!!!) :-) but i like the scene where dumbledore battles with voldermot, simpsons - over-rated, somehow the running credits are nicer than the show itself (sad but true), transformers - confusing, literally too many moving parts

... of songs
ella, ella, ella - you know what song i am referring to, but i prefer scott simon's version.

... of people and places
anonymous - that is the most interesting character i got to know and if i may say, appeared to be totally spineless and unethical, keeps slandering people in the chatterbox and yet dare not identify himself (although he eventually did, i am not sure if the nick he used is really his cos the nick he used is very close to the nick of someone whom he dislikes), guess he has to reflect on his actions and to grow up, joyce - young lesbian who is about the same age as my niece. what strikes me is the fact that at such a young age, she has already been exposed to the roller coaster rides of gay relationships... sad as she has been forced to face the harsh facts of life at such a young age, but i guess it'll make her stronger in the long run, ice cream james - an ex-military personnel. so happy to meet up with him and glad that he is doing well, extremely well for that matter. except that i wish he can spare sometime to enjoy life and give himself a break, kg glam cc - was there doing my homework and had the opportunity to witness a group of aunties dance to a whole hotchpot of different ethnic music (middle eastern, ethnic chinese, tagalog, middle central China (or mongolian?)... weird, bizarre and very surreal experience!

my different experiences over my last 2 weeks made me realize how much i have matured and learned through my growing process...

Sunday, 22 July 2007

childhood cartoons

so happy to be able to find some of these cartoons that i enjoyed watching when i was a small boy in the late 60s & early 70s! then, most of these were dubbed in malay! enjoy!

giant robot - the boy would summon giant robot by calling `giant robot menari!' giant robot - intro



astro boy (original version - 1963, english)



marine boy (original version - 1966)

Saturday, 21 July 2007

peculiar chris

watched asian boy vol 3 earlier and thoroughly enjoyed it. couldn't helped but shed a tear when samuel died. felt the played gave a very good and balanced treatment to the gay movement in singapore over the last decade plus. such a contrast to see the whole range of different `outedness' and their take on what works for them in this homophobic society. and for me, i can identify and see myself in chris as well as nick.

anyway, it motivated me sufficiently to dig out the book `peculiar chris' from my cabinet. it was given to me by my first crush, the one that made me come out and accept myself in totality. i have never looked back. the last 10 years had been certainly a long and arduous journey, a long and learning experience. from the bottom of my heart, i say once again - thank you chong!

and when i opened to book, memories of how i first met chong and the tumultous months that followed came flooding back. well, chong gave me the book to read and to reflect on my coming out journey. guess he had knew then that the book would be a source of inspiration and strength to know that i am not alone in this world.

in the first page of the book, chong wrote - `an old book in the hands of a new friend renews understanding & life to people like us... happy reading, jeff' xx chong 10.2.97...

magic numbers

1 7 1 2 1 9 6 6 2 0 4 2 1 5 9 5 9 5 1 7 6 9 8 9 2 0 8 2 1 5 6 4 0 9 3 3 2 1 5 4 4 4 4 0 0 0 4 7 1 6 0 6 0 8 4 8 6 8 4 7 9 7 3 5 1 1 2 4 9 1 7 7 4 3 2 4 6 8 7 5 5 6 7 7 5 2 4 8 3 7 7 3, 2 2 0 5 1 9 9 9 1 6 1 1 1 9 7 6 7 6 3 7 4 6 7 9 7 6 7 8 5 0 4 6 4 8 3 5 0 4 7 0 1 1 1 2 0 0 5 7 3 4 9 1 2 7 4, 0 2 1 1 1 9 7 8 7 8 3 3 2 2 0 9 6 2 5 2 6 6 9 6 2 4 2 0 3 1 6 2 7 0 4 2 0 0 5

wish on my star

this is the song from hula girls. ukelele played by jake shimabukuro. very soothing and very touching. i teared when this song came on during the show.



i wouldn’t change a thing about you
i wouldn’t ask the green to be blue
i wouldn’t ask the birds not to fly
or change a thing in the sky
or turn hello to goodbye

i wouldn’t ask the birds not to sing
i wouldn’t ask the phone not to ring
i just couldn’t ask the wind not to blow
or a boat not to row
or the trio to go solo

you are amazing
just as you are
you’re a flower in the spring
you’re the light each morning brings
and i adore you
just the way you are

you are not the star that i wish on
you are the wish on my star

death

wat will you think about on your death bed?...

outrageous

heard this from a friend of mine who attended a course last week and where a case study was presented.... the case study involved a `controversial' behaviour by a public servant (who belongs to a superbly homophobic government organisation) who had gone to taiwan to attend a gay party... the lecturer then went on to ask the class (all of whom belonged to the same organisation) - how can we have such a character in our organisation? what if he were to start an orgy in the office? how would you react if you were to see a (gay) male public service officer having sex with another male in office?

his questions got the class outraged. has he assumed that if one is gay, then he will definitely organise orgies? how more wrong can he be! well, the class (almost entirely straight) did not take this too well. to his second question, the class replied - "just as i would react if i were to catch a male public service officer having sex with another female officer in office... for that matter, if he were to have sex with a dog..."

the lecturer, sensing the potential hostility he would face if he were to continue to pursue his homophobic views, quickly moved on to another topic...

characters in my life

(ks/ roger), (wai min), chong, (collin), (dennis/cq), (adam, now lucas), alex, andrew, amos, (albert), james...

memories...

national express, belle and sebestian, NME, entertainment weekly, venom, dear, falling off chin up bar, black pepper beef noodles, vegetable rice, scented bathes in the bath tub, tokyo, london, leeds, oxford, rented ford mondeo, flying inkpot, reviews, raoul, nie graduation, alanis @ harbourfront, bjork, peaches, ngoh hiang, pow sing,...

it's amazing how memories can sometimes overwhelm you. not unlike a flash flood or a tsunami that swells and rushes through you... bitter, sweet, sad, happy, angry...

Tuesday, 17 July 2007

falling apart

reported sick for sore throat and did a blood pressure check 2 weeks ago... result - 138/89. today, it was 138/88... not significantly different.

frightening thing is in the consistency of the pressure. used to have low bp many years back. now, the reading is found to be above what is generally considered normal (<130/ 80), a bit on the high end... or for that matter, can be considered mild high blood pressure.

getting old i guess... things have been falling apart after 35, hastened a lot after being outed at 38 when in that one year, I suffered (suspected) asthmatic attacks, (several bouts of severe) chest pains, high cholesterol, several blanked offs (epilepsy due to stress?), broken ankle, etc.

facts of life...

Sunday, 15 July 2007

Beautiful Sunday

A pleasant and beautiful Sunday for me... regardless of the fact that I did almost absolutely nothing other than spending a lazy morning in bed with my bee bee, marketing in the Marine Terrace wet market and the whole afternoon chatting with my mum (quality time!) while cleaning my house... cleaning the rugs, hand-wiped the floor (of the whole house), washing the bedsheets, pillow cases, sunning the mattresses etc etc... and occasionally stealing time to surf the web.

Visited Joyce's blog (she's someone who used to live in my estate but have since moved out and I only got to know of her existence when I did a google for "gay changi green"!). Well, I really enjoyed the questions that she posed in her blog. Here's a sample of what she posted:

Q) why is it so hard for you to turn straight?
A) why not you try turning gay now?

Q) how can you be so sure that you like girls?
A) for guys: how can you be so sure that you like girls only?
for girls: how can you be so sure that you like guys only?

Q) you haven't tried dick before. what makes you so sure you don't like heterosexual sex?
A) for guys: you haven't tried dick before. what makes you so sure you don't like gay sex?
for girls: you haven't tried pussy before. what makes you so sure you don't like lesbian sex?

Q) Desperate guys: give me a chance. I'm sure I'll turn you straight.
A) I have a gay friend who's single. give him a chance. I'm sure he can turn you gay. :)

Q) so are you the "GUY" in the relationship?
A) there's no such thing as "GUY" or "GIRL" in my relationship. we're both girls in love with each other.

Q) you're lesbian. you must have been hurt by a guy before?
A) for girls: you're straight. you must have been hurt by a girl before?
for guys: you're straight. you must have been hurt by a guy too before?

Q) girls: you're lesbian. why don't you like me? / how come you've never fancied me before?
A) (for the last damn time,) me being lesbian doesn't mean I will hump every girl that moves. oh wait, look at that short and fat guy with pimply oily face over there. you're straight, why don't you like him?


Found myself giggling and smiling to myself. Nice right? Well, one or two of her questions reminded me of something I posted in my blog sometime back... "It's always socially more acceptable for a straight couple to do an immoral deed, then for a gay couple to find love." Agree?

A new week ahead...

Saturday, 14 July 2007

What's Next? Still Restricted?

Thinking aloud... with this latest twist (see article below) in development in Singapore, does it mean my security department no longer has any rights to restrict my visits to gay joints and that I am no longer bounded by the commitment they made me sign? also, that I no longer need to tell them about my trips overseas?


Article from Straits Times published on 11 Jul 2007 (also available online)

MM LEE'S INTERVIEW WITH BERITA HARIAN

No prying on gays but no marriages either

GAY marriages are recognised by some countries, but Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew does not see Singapore going that way.

Singapore, a more conservative society, wants to keep its social norms, he said.

But the Government should not act like moral policemen, 'prying on consenting adults', he added.

MM Lee made the point in an interview with Malay daily Berita Harian, published yesterday.

He said: 'At present, the West accepts homosexuals, and some countries even recognise gay weddings.

'We cannot go that far. We are a more conservative society.'

Citing the Church of England, Mr Lee noted serious tension between the Anglican church in England, which was more tolerant of homosexuality, and the Anglican communities in Africa and Asia that rejected it totally.

'In Singapore, we want to maintain our social norm, which is that men and women marry and form stable families within which they bring up children,' he said.

But neither should the Government pry on consenting adults, he added, reiterating a view he has expressed a couple of times this year.

'We must take cognisance of the contemporary world that has become more accommodating...Homosexuals are mostly born that way, and no public purpose is served by interfering in their private lives,' he said.

Mr Lee also said the integrated resorts (IRs) and Formula One racing will increase Singapore's buzz, attract a few million more tourists and make the island a lively place to visit and do business.

The IRs are expected to open from 2009, and Singapore will host the F1 Grand Prix from next year.

Mr Lee said: 'If we remain static and unchanged, known only as clean and green Singapore, but otherwise with an international reputation for being a dull and antiseptic place, we will lose out in this fast-changing world.

'High-level executives want to be posted to a country not just for an increase in their pay but also what lifestyle they and their families can enjoy.'

Hence the need for a lively pop culture like the IRs and bars, and a vibrant high culture like concerts, he said.

MM Lee also stressed the need for Singapore to attract foreign talent and foreign workers to thrive.

Foreign talent will create more jobs for Singaporeans, while foreign workers will do jobs locals avoid and bear the brunt of layoffs in a recession, he said.

'The more talent - local and foreign - we have, the more dynamic our economy and the better-off Singaporeans will be.

'The less talent we have, the less our economic vitality with fewer jobs, and more unemployed.'

ZAKIR HUSSAIN

Tuesday, 3 July 2007

2% GST - or is it?

well, on the surface, it's 2% GST. generally true for the big items, and for those who purchase items directly from big retailers, shopping centers and what have yous.

for those heartlanders who shop at the typical ah-seng chup huay tiam, eats at hawker centers; and pays by cash, it's not so simple and straight forward... overheard yesterday at the hawker center - heartlander aunties chatting away... kopi `o' now cost 10 cents more (60-70 cents instead of 50-60 cents) - that's easily another 20%, not to mention also, unbranded plain bread (not those gardenia or sunshine type) - used to be S$1, now it's S$1.20, again, another 20% increase... the zai bee hoon used to be $2, now it's $2.50... a bit here and a bit there, it's easily 10-20% increase overall!

and of course, not to mention other ways of getting around the 2% include - lesser ingredients, lesser noodles, smaller cups, etc... cannot say they have increased the price right? but in the end, the people have to face the brunt.... 2%? cannot compute in such straight forward manner right?

all these does not seem to tally with the overall intent of increasing 2% GST so as to subsidize the poorer people...

no, no, don't get me wrong, i think the 2% increase is justified for the bigger good, but i guess it is not easy to police such policy changes and perhaps in the way things are unfolding as i am seeing, it seemed like this is another case of pure intention, but poorly managed implementation... and hopefully, it is not a case of loosing touch with the ground...

Monday, 2 July 2007

watching from afar

found myself observing and following his life from afar.through his msn intro, through his blog, through his fridae account, through his friends, whatever source of info that i can get.still, i am concerned about him and his well-being. but, i am not able to tell him nor is it convenient to do so.

kind of weird... but i guess i have no choice.

for the time-being, till we both start to feel comfortable enough to face each other and talk about our lives, i have to watch from afar.

hope he enjoys his bangkok trip.

(well, again it's kinda mixed feeling for me to know that he is going bkk. cos when we were together, he swore blind he would not go there. to him, bkk was a dirty and polluted place... also, i wonder who he is going with)