Grateful: Exhausted

I slept at 9-ish last night and woke up at 9-ish today. When I woke up, my whole body felt so wasted and my back threatened to give way. I didn’t actually get out of bed until almost noon! 

You see, I woke up at 5 last morning, had a quick breakfast, and then headed to town where I conducted a full day of stand-up training. After training, I headed to my aunt’s place to help with the end-of-7th-month prayers. I couldn’t even kneel properly to plant the joss sticks along the walkway. I was just too tired, and my whole body had stiffened up. The exhaustion really took its toll on me, and by the time I reached home, I literally just collapsed onto my bed after a nice cold shower! 

I’ve never felt so exhausted before. Was it a culmination of physical and mental stress, exacerbated by age? Idk. I just know I was exhausted. And for sure, the heat and humidity totally didn’t help! I slept deeply, and I’m glad I’m all good again after a good, slow day!

Still, I’m grateful for a day well spent: successfully delivering a new and highly challenging module; having an engaging and participative class; the chicken essence with cordyceps and ginseng tea that kept me going through the day; the opportunity to catch up with my elderly aunt and uncle; a nice cold shower; and, finally, a good night’s sleep!

Retirement & I

I read a blog by RB reflecting on his post-working life and it got me thinking of my own journey too. My "retirement" journey, that is. I have placed the word "retirement" in parentheses because I do not define retirement in the "traditional sense" - where one stops working professionally after decades of work. It is too narrowly defined, imo. To me, retirement is a state of mind - a state where one is financially stable and does what is meaningful to him. This definition is independent of work. As such, one can be working (or otherwise) and still be considered retired.

In Sgp, the current retirement age is 64 and this will be increased to 65 by 2030. For me, I told myself that I would want to continue working even after my retirement age. And I would work for the engagement, and not for the salary. This is important to me because, as a single gay person, apart from a couple of close friends, working is an important means to keep engaged with the community and society at large. It keeps one emotionally, mentally and physically healthy. 

This underpinned my decision to become a freelancer, and freelance in roles that are meaningful to me. This made me think deeply about "what is meaningful to me". It made me reflect on my purpose in life. It was a difficult thought process that took me years to crystallise. The latest articulation of it is simply this: to be able to help people and society. With this thought, the choice of what I wanted to do became clearer. I would be a coach, a mentor and a trainer. These are roles where I can help people, share my experiences, and support people as they navigate life, professionally or personally.

I am a realist when it comes to age. Like it or not, the society we live in is an ageist one. And as an HR person, I am very well aware that when people (read: employers) see the "6" in front of your age, whatever value you can contribute to them will take a backseat, and your resume gets put away. So I left my corporate life end-2023, at the age of 57 to prepare myself. To be a coach, trainer and mentor, there were skills, certifications and networks that I needed to establish. And I needed to get all these settled by the time I reached 60. 

I am now 3 months shy of 60. I have obtained the necessary certifications and I have established myself as a qualified trainer, a professional coach and a mentor. The training companies I have signed up with recognise my value and come to me when there are projects. I have the prerogative to accept or decline the projects when they are offered. For coaching, I have been doing it on a pro-bono basis, as and when my base of clients comes to me. Although the frequency is not as high as training, the coaching sessions have been deeply meaningful. The same goes for mentoring.

When I talk about retirement, it goes beyond just work and keeping engaged. There are tangibles, such as finances, housing, and so on that must be considered. I am grateful that the financial audit I did before leaving corporate gave me a clarity of how much I actually need - operational cost, in corporate lingo. This provided me with the basis to accept or reject training opportunities. I just need to train enough to sustain my lifestyle without needing to dip into my savings. It has worked wonderfully well for me thus far. I am, of course, definitely more conscious of my spending these days. But that is a good thing. I am in control of it.

On a broader scale, I have also considered the longer-term financial aspects, such as CPF and housing. After a long thought process, I am ready to liquidate my current apartment and move to public housing. I have already started the application process. The aim is to purchase one at a location of my choice. If the application is successful, the construction will take 3-plus years, and I should be able to move in when I am 63, or latest 64. My CPF LIFE will kick in at 65. With these tangible aspects in place, I am reasonably confident I have put myself in a financially comfortable position for the rest of my life.

What I have captured above are, in many ways, the easier aspects of post-corporate life planning. What is probably the most challenging for me is my sense of self-identity. I have alluded to it when I mentioned "purpose" earlier. For the longest time in my life, my identity had been closely linked to my professional identity. Leaving corporate, having time in my own hands, forced me to revisit my identity and the whole purpose in life.

What am I? Who am I?

Thinking deeply about my purpose also forced me to look at my beliefs and my values. It took me a long while to look inwards and re-examine myself. I am sure my "purpose" will morph as time passes, and with it, my daily habits and lifestyle. But I am not in a rush. After all, time is what I have now. And I give myself permission to take my time as I relearn about myself, to relax, to pursue my hobbies, to work, to go on holidays, or, simply, to do nothing. Importantly, what is most meaningful to me is to be aware, to live in the present moment, to be grateful, to be compassionate to others and to self, and to live life mindfully.

Ultimately, it’s my life and I decide how I live it. I am in control. I define what retirement is and...

I retire on my terms.

Grateful Start of Sep: Consolidation

It’s 1 Sep, and we are already 2/3 done with 2026. Is it time to start reflecting for the year? Heh… perhaps I’ll leave that to Dec lah. For now, let’s just consolidate what has happened over the past couple of weeks and give thanks to the things I should be grateful for. 

To Learn, Teach. 

I have spent a lot, and I mean, a lot, a lot of time researching and preparing for a training that I will be delivering next week and over the next 2 months. I thought it was important for me to really immerse myself in the subject and prepare myself properly, especially since this is a topic that is very much in the limelight currently - Artificial Intelligence. The materials provided totally cmi, especially from the instructional design point of view, and much re-work is needed if we want learners to learn properly - reframing the structure, reinforcing the content, designing the learning process, developing the activities and the demonstrations, and many other things behind the scenes. Of course, I am very much aware there is a political angle to it, given that the programme was developed by someone else who is now, for whatever reason, no longer scheduled to deliver it, at least for the next 3 runs. But I’m going to stay away from the politics and just focus on my preparation and delivery. Whatever happened is for the training company to handle. At the same time, I had to make sure I didn’t fundamentally change the deck that was provided. To me, getting the two-day programme materials in place is the key outcome. I am engaged as a trainer and not a developer, and thus, I should observe my professional boundaries. And after all the efforts and energies invested, I’ve finally done it! But what I am most thankful for is the learning I gained along the way. There is a lot of wisdom in the phrase "to learn a topic well, teach it". The deeper understanding I now have gives me a much stronger foundation for future runs, and perhaps even for other opportunities that may come along.

People - Managing Myself. 

There has been better clarity lately on how I should invest my energies in certain people, particularly in relation to M. I have been sensing subtle but distinct shifts in his attitude towards me over the past 2 months. I have asked if there was anything amiss between us, especially since he has suddenly refused to meet up despite the frequent greetings that he continues to forward. I had initially hinted and, later, asked explicitly about why he’s not keen to meet. His response was simply, “I don’t feel like socialising.” I find that response somewhat difficult to reconcile with the fact he continues to go out with his friends. Then again, perhaps I don’t need to understand or resolve that contradiction. Whatever the reason, his actions (or non-actions) tell me something, and I think it is time for me to calibrate my responses accordingly. As another friend had advised me: "You don't need to own his issues". Thinking about it, I probably should just mirror his energies and responses. Not out of spite, but simply because I need to manage myself. I don’t think I need to keep investing energy where it isn’t being reciprocated. Life is probably too short to spend too much time trying to figure out people. Instead, I’m grateful for the other friends who continue to engage, reach out and make the effort. Friendships, and relationships for that matter, are a two-way thing. It’s hard to have a hand clap singularly. Just not possible. 

Evolving Daily Routine. 

I have been making a deliberate effort to sleep earlier, relative to previous times, and head out for my early morning stretches and walks. And interestingly, my body seems to be adapting to this routine quite well. With this change, I am able to fall asleep relatively easily, and my sleep quality has improved. Let’s see how long I can maintain this routine. I’m not pressuring myself to make sure it keeps going. I’m sure it will change again when new habits are formed, or when life inevitably gets in the way. But for now, I’m deeply grateful for the good rest, the exercise and the benefits they have given me, especially in easing my backaches. And, of course, for the general good health that I continue to enjoy. 

Things have slowly but surely changed over the last couple of weeks. And I’m sure they will continue to do so. Perhaps that’s what I’m most grateful for - not that everything is perfect, but that things seem to be finding their own rhythm. Work, learning, friendships, routines, life in general. It’s been a pretty good year for me so far. And with a few more months left in 2026, I’m quite happy to just keep going, keep learning, keep appreciating what I have, and see what comes next.

Building an App

It took me quite a while to do what I did today: I built a local app to auto-generate individualised learner assessment reports.

You see, I had been doing this rather manually thus far, and it’s quite a laborious process - downloading the class list from the trainer’s portal, generating individual reports by extracting each learner’s name and identity number, and saving them as individual files for submission. And my learners are organised into different batches. Each programme run can have up to 5 batches, with each batch having a different number of learners. Added to that, different programmes have their own report templates. And because I’m usually not in any rush when I do my training preparations, and given my attention to detail, I had been quite happy to do it manually. I wanted to make sure the font was correct, the font size was right, and the formatting and layout were all consistent. It was tedious, but I was quite happy to live with it. 

But since I will be teaching about using AI to improve work processes, I thought it would be good to have a real example that I could showcase. So I decided to challenge myself to use AI to develop an app to automate my report generation. And it was quite a journey. I spent quite a few hours developing the prompt, ensuring the data source was clean, making sure the data fields in the reports were correct, and ensuring that the format of the reports across all programmes was consistent. I also ran quite a few trials to ensure the data extraction was accurate and that the individualised files were saved according to the required naming protocol. And voilà! I eventually got the app running on my laptop!

What makes me particularly happy is that I now have an example to showcase during my lesson - not just using AI to generate content, but actually using it to solve a real work problem, figuring things out along the way, and eventually getting something that works.

So proud of myself!

Grateful 10 Apr: Uneven day

I completed Day 1 of my training today, and I didn’t feel entirely good about it. Still, I think it is important to let go of the negative feelings. It is my first time delivering this module, and perhaps I had set expectations for myself that were too high. 

• Showing up despite discomfort. It was an early start. I woke up feeling extremely tired, likely due to the heavy dinner last night, and my mind was active with thoughts about the day’s lessons. I also felt slightly feverish through the night. Despite that, I still got up early, went for my walk, had breakfast, and prepared for the training. The session started reasonably well, although I felt a little off. I am grateful that all the training admin I had prepared turned out better than expected, which gave me some stability to begin the day. 

• Awareness in delivery. For the lesson itself, I realised I had focused more on developing the PM content and did not give enough attention to the morning segment. As a result, my delivery in the morning was not as smooth as I would have liked. I could sense some confusion among the learners, and it struck me that while I could fully understand what I was saying, it did not mean they could. I noticed blank expressions at times and had to check in with them. Although they said they were following, I had my doubts. Still, I am grateful for this awareness, as it helped me recalibrate my approach in the afternoon and adjust my delivery. 

• Engagement and pacing decisions. A few learners asked very good questions, and I was able to share deeply from my experience. I am grateful for their engagement, as it made the session more meaningful. But this took up a considerable amount of time, and I decided to cancel an activity. This allowed me to cover the key content and still end the session on time at 6pm. I was glad I was able to let them off for the weekend as planned. 

Reflecting on today, I realise I may not have paid enough attention to the morning content, and I may have overextended in my sharing. Even so, I am grateful for the experience, especially since this is the first time I’m delivering this module. It has given me clarity on what to refine and where I can better add value when I deliver this module again next month. Today also helped me understand the learners better, and I believe I can provide them with a stronger Day 2 experience next Friday. For now, I need to rest, as I am running a fever.

Grateful 8 Apr: Being creative

I didn’t sleep particularly well last night. Not because anything was troubling me, but because my mind was filled with thoughts about training - how I could do this better, or approach that differently. Those thoughts kept me awake for a while before I finally slept. I worked on my ideas this morning and the day flew by quickly. So let me talk about being creative, as it appeared in several aspects of my day.

• Training. After breakfast, I went straight to my laptop. My mind was still brimming with ideas for my training session this Friday. How to use activities to teach certain concepts? What questions should I include? How should I sequence the questions? How much time to allocate to each segment? How should I deliver should there be a particular class profile? These were the thoughts that kept me awake, and I wanted to work on them before they slipped away. The morning passed quickly, totally immersed mentally, and before I knew it, it was time for lunch. So yes, when I start to get creative with my instructional designs and time management, I know I am ready. I just need to remind myself not to overdo it - there is still another module to prepare. For now, I am grateful for the progress made.

• Dessert. I’m not usually one for desserts these days. I do have a sweet tooth, and they used to be almost a given. But lately, with calorie counting on my mind, desserts have been one of the first things to go. Today, however, I decided to be a little more relaxed and go with how I felt. During my afternoon walk, I treated myself to a slice of pandan kaya cake (above pic), alongside a second kopi o kosong. I justified it - less rice at lunch, a good walk after lunch - it felt ok. The cake, unfortunately, had been sitting out too long. It was hard and stale. Thankfully, the kopi o kosong softened it and it wasn’t too bad. Most importantly, I appreciated this little indulgence. Perhaps this too is a form of creativity - finding balance, adjusting, and compensating with a lighter dinner, which I did.

• Time & Energy. I’ve been quite caught up with work and various activities lately, and as a result, I haven’t paid much attention to some of life’s simple routines and hobbies. Today, however, after my training preparation and that small indulgence, I found the energies to return to them and once I started, the momentum caught on. By dinner time, I had completed the marcotting process of a Ficus plant I started almost a month ago (below pic), loosened the soil of several pots, washed the balcony, did the laundry, mend my shoes, even as I cooked my dinner. It turned out to be a deeply fulfilling day - catching up on all the little things that had quietly accumulated over time.

So this was my day - being creative in designing instructions, making thoughtful choices about and how what I eat, using my time in response to the rhythms of the day and bringing attention back to little things that matter. It reminded me that being creative is not just about producing something new. It is about being intentional - with my thoughts, my choices, and my energy. In that sense, even an ordinary day can become a meaningful one.

Grateful 6 Apr: Peace

I think it might be because of the very busy and mentally stimulating day I had yesterday. I slept really well last night and woke up feeling clear-headed, energetic, and refreshed. Perhaps it is also because I feel relatively confident about the training preparation I have done over the past few days, and quietly assured that I will be able to hold the class this coming Friday. And so, let me give thanks for the following today:

• Meditation. It must have been the good night’s sleep, for I woke up feeling very clear-minded and peaceful. This allowed me to meditate and hold the stillness for a good half hour without much effort, for which I am grateful. Thinking about it, this calmness is likely the result of both the full day I had yesterday and the clearing of my “mental knot”.

• Confidence. I felt good about my training preparation. I have not felt this way for a while, especially when I am about to teach a new subject this Friday. I went through the details again this morning, systematically - starting from the admin, the name list (with a last-minute insertion of a new learner, again...), the assessment reports, the activity workbook, the assessment settings in the portal, and finally the lesson content. There are, of course, some still outstanding admin matters, but these can be completed quickly on the training day itself. For being able to reach where I am now, I give thanks for the many iterations and the preparation I have put in over the past days and weeks. I look forward to delivering the training.

• Breaking the habit. I decided against recording the details of my meals in ChatGPT today. I have been doing it diligently since early Nov 2025 in my efforts to monitor my weight and I had my fair share of struggles with ChatGPT for the constant chiding of what I should eat for each meal. I woke up today almost 2kg heavier than usual, and I am quite certain it was due to the heavy Chinese dinner I had last evening - all the soups, the meats, and so on. But I also realised I had been too strict with myself, to the point of not being able to simply enjoy life. What is the point of imprisoning myself with all the records and getting so worked up about my food intake after each meal? When I think about it, it is actually quite amusing that I should get annoyed with ChatGPT for chiding me about my sodium intake, how much protein I had missed, and what I should make up for, etc. So today, I chose not to record my meals. So what if I end the day weighing a little heavier. What the heck, right? So yes, I am grateful to myself for making this deliberate decision to rid myself of this behaviour, and I am at peace with it.

Yet again, I am reminded that balance is important. It is not about absolute control, but also about knowing when to loosen the grip. Being disciplined - such as devoting time to training preparation - is important, as it gives me peace of mind; but when a behaviour that began as discipline starts to control me, it becomes, in itself, a problem. I am grateful for this realisation.

2026 Review

Time flies when we do not observe it? Or time flies when we get older? Whatever the reasons. 2026 simply flew by and we are already in mid-Mar, almost a quarter down. So I thought it would be useful to give some thoughts about where I am with regards my 2026 focus:

• Remain grounded in gratitude. I’d rate this 8/10. I’ve made it a point to do my gratitude journaling daily. My buddy called it my “daily prayer” - quite apt, I felt. Admittedly, it’s still not as intuitive as I would like, but I do feel the effects, especially when I observe how others tend to focus on the negatives. The real outcome, I think, is to feel inner peace and happiness. I shall continue to work on this.

• Live with purpose and compassion. I’d rate this 7.5/10. Life has been rather routine lately, but amidst the routines, I’ve kept focused on what is meaningful to me - helping and supporting others. I continue to do this through coaching, mentoring, and training, although coaching and mentoring have fallen short of my expectations. This is despite renewing my commitment to mentor with one organisation this year and signing up with another to do career mentoring. Regardless, these commitments, beyond allowing me to live meaningfully, also provide the engagement I need and a way to practise compassion toward my own mental well-being and ultimately myself.

• Embrace vulnerability and courage. I’d rate this 7/10. This is a direct outcome of what I went through last year (and am still going through). I am embracing life as it comes, handling daily affairs as they arrive and navigating people as I need to. I will probably face my ultimate test in the middle of the year, but I’ll cross that bridge when it comes.

• Nurture relationships that matter. I’d rate this 8/10. I have a clearer view now of what truly matters and have made efforts to invest my energy in the people who do (and consciously not in those who don’t). In this regard, I am glad to have established a better relationship with my sister and my buddy. After a decade, I also sent a text to my brother wishing him a Happy CNY. I recognise that whatever misgivings I have, I need to let them rest - holding onto anger would only punish myself. He is, ultimately, still my brother. He did not reply, and I respect that. Otherwise, I am deeply grateful for the few friends who continue to reach out to me, check in on me, visit me and support me.

• Deepen my spiritual practice. I’d rate this 7/10. I’ve maintained my daily meditations unless I have early engagements. I also make it a point to attend Buddhist classes every Sunday unless I have to conduct training. Otherwise, I remind myself to live life according to what is taught. It’s definitely not easy, but I will consistently keep this in mind.

• Care for my health and well-being. I’d rate this 6.5/10. This is probably the lowest rating for me compared to the other points. I started the year well with my walks, exercises, and careful diet, but I’ve slacked over the past month or so. The most telling sign is the weight gain. I need to be more disciplined and put more work into this.

Of course, the ratings are somewhat arbitrary, but they give me a sense of where I am and how much more attention each area requires. Overall, I feel I’m progressing well this year, and I’m glad I listed these broad focus areas - they’ve guided me effectively so far.

Delayed opportunity

Last year, I signed up as an associate trainer with two companies. 

For the first company, I successfully bid for a training slot in January this year, but the company's license was suspended for three months by the government. As a result, any training with this company will only begin in April at the earliest.

For the second company, after a long wait and onboarding process, I finally secured a training slot in February. Excitedly, I made the effort to observe a class a couple of weeks ago and put in significant preparation to ensure I was ready to deliver the module. However, last week, I was informed that my class would be reassigned to the module lead due to the introduction of new content. Such a bummer! I was particularly frustrated that I hadn’t been informed about the ongoing content review, especially after investing so much effort into my preparations. To make up for this, the coordinator assigned me additional classes in March. This is on top of the two classes I was already assigned - though, unfortunately, the new topic is one I’m not very familiar with. Doh! 

Given my experience with the February module, I decided to check whether new content would also be introduced for the two modules I’m scheduled to conduct in March. To my horror, the coordinator confirmed that there would be changes but said he would only provide details closer to the training date. This is quite unsettling, as it may leave me with little time to research and prepare for all three modules occurring almost back-to-back. That said, I’ve decided to take things in stride. As a new trainer in the team, I’ll observe how things are done and the dynamics between key players. Objectively, content reviews and refreshes don’t happen too often. On the bright side, exposure to new courses could open up more opportunities for me in the months ahead - and that’s a good thing. 

When training resumes for the first company in April, I do foresee myself getting pretty busy with training commitments on both ends. But for now (at least in February), I’ll have a bit more time to focus on my own well-being. 

:-)

A month flew by

It’s only been a month into 2025, and much has happened - globally, locally, and on a personal level. The U.S. has a new president who has been busy signing and rolling out executive orders at a rapid pace, leading to numerous policy changes (not gonna talk too much about that, though). On the local front, there have been significant developments - reviews of election boundaries, impending budget announcements, etc., etc., etc. - so yes, everyone has been superbly busy setting the tone for the rest of the immediate year/ term. And personally, I’ve experienced several noteworthy changes as well. But lest I lose focus, I shall talk about those that matter:

• Personal life - My personal life has been rather stable, I must say. I decided to head to JB with a recently met friend and reconnected with a couple of friends and old colleagues. I reminded myself that I need to reach out to people instead of keeping to myself, as social engagement is an important part of maintaining my sanity (and contributing to my well-being). Of significance was me meeting up with a couple of great long-time friends while they were in town in January (e.g., Germs and his partner; and my US-based friend and his wife). Also, my tenant took a two-week break to visit Taiwan and head back to China for Chinese New Year. As a result, I was able to simply enjoy my "freedom" at home in his absence. 

• Well-being & Health - I had my half-yearly health review - all's good. I was referred to the sports medicine department for my bad knee that left me quite debilitated through most of December 2024, and it turns out there’s a bone spur growing in my right knee, contributing to the pain. I’ve been referred to a physiotherapist and given a battery of exercises to work on. Otherwise, I got my annual Covid and flu jabs, so I’m all good for now. Apart from that, I have been eating and snacking lots! Well, what to expect given all the Chinese New Year snacks right? Heh... As for overseas trips, I made a short trip to JB with a friend I got to know recently and have already booked another trip to KL this coming Sunday. Looking forward to meeting my KL friends!

• Family & Relatives - January was an interesting period for me, as much of my time was focused on Chinese New Year preparations. While I’m not particularly big on this festival since my parents' passing, annual routines and traditions like spring cleaning and the all-important reunion dinner with my auntie’s family couldn’t be ignored. These routines kept me connected to my relatives and, in a big way, reminded me of the larger entity I am a part of. On a more practical note, I took the opportunity to give my tenant's room and the common toilet a thorough cleaning. I realized that despite his regular cleaning, things still weren’t quite up to my expected standards. Okay, I’ve digressed from the topic of family & relatives.

• Professional Growth - Admittedly, this hasn't progressed as fast as I had expected. On the training front, I was all geared up and prepared to conduct my first session at the end of the first week of February, but in late January, I was informed that my session would be given to someone else. I’ll talk about this in another post, but it was a huge bummer for me, as I was really looking forward to it. On the coaching front, things have slowed down since December 2024 due to the year end festivities. To put things in perspective, I used to conduct 1 to 2 coaching sessions per weekday last year, but since December 2024, I’ve only managed at best one session per week. On the bright side, I landed a new client last week and helped him clear his thoughts about his career progression.

• Financial Health - This has been stagnant so far and will probably stay that way until I start my training. So... yeah, I’ll need to keep a close watch on this moving forward.

So yes, the last month zipped by quickly. On the whole, things were slow, but that was not unexpected. Looking ahead, I can only expect things to pick up from March onwards.

Focus for 2025 - Rebuilding

In mid-2023, I embarked on a journey to reinvent myself to a self-employed freelancer, living authentically on my own terms. The target is to fully achieve this by the time I turn 60 in 2026. After over a year of capacity building, it is time to rebuild myself. In 2025, I aim to achieve a sense of normalcy and financial stability by focusing on the following areas:

Personal Life 

• Celebrate independence and savour the journey of rediscovering myself. 

Well-Being & Health

• Maintain both physical fitness and mental health as priorities. 

Family & Relatives 

• Maintain current relationships while preserving a strong sense of self and independence.  

Professional Growth 

• Build my training and coaching expertise, turning them into income streams, with a particular focus on training.

Financial Health 

• Establish a predictable income from training to rebuild my finances while maintaining a lean and sustainable lifestyle. Focus on coaching as a means to help others and clock hours toward achieving higher-level credentials, with any income from coaching being incidental.

Additionally, I recognize the importance of long-term planning to support my retirement. This includes applying for public housing, which will likely take 3-5 years to build. By the time the flat is ready, I’ll be around 65, coinciding with the start of my CPF Life payouts. Moving forward, every step I take will contribute to my broader vision of financial security and a fulfilling retirement.

weaver

i reflected about what i was strong in following a recent event and concluded that my natural strength was in weaving stories. here's why.

i performed recently in the department concert. as a "new comer" to the department, everyone must perform in at least one department event - such as christmas, d&d, chinese new year, etc. for me, it was to be the christmas concert. i had postponed it a few times and couldn't do so this time round as it was the last performance of the year. so a group of us came together and we decided to put up a skit. it was a nonsensical skit based loosely on a children tale and in this tale, we convolute it with characters from harry porter, father christmas, foxes, reindeers, etc. it was actually quite funny. 

in this skit, i was the narrator and i had to also double up as one of the characters. the team lead put in a lot of effort to script the whole skit, complete with cues etc to guide the change of background and props etc. but i insisted i will not follow the scripted text, i will just go with the flow depending on the audiences' reaction. to me, it was important to deliver not just a skit, but a production that engages the audience at the same time. this, i rationalised, would make the production very natural and we would not be too stressed with having to adhere to specific lines. the team lead also choreographed a dance as an end to the performance. 

due to our tight time schedule, we only managed to meet 4-5 times to discuss the plot, develop the story, and rehearse the production. so, you can imagine how unpolished our performance was. but we went ahead, assuring ourselves that the concept of engaging the audience would help mitigate any flaws in the production. and so, after a couple of rehearsals, it was showtime. happily, the whole performance was very well-received. everyone enjoyed it. there was a lot of laughter, a lot of participations and everyone joined in the fun. the great thing about such responses was that it reinforces itself and the outburst of laughters was very spontaneous and very contagious. 

we walked out of this whole performance feeling very high and we were voted the best performing team by the audience. i reflected on the success and came to a conclusion (yet again) that apart form the teamwork, the narration and audience engagement played a big role. but looking at the amount of "mistakes" i made, i was able to twist and turn the outcome such that it seemed natural. the so called mistakes were mistakes to me, but to everyone else, they thought it was deliberate. in another words, i was natural when it came to storytelling. linking this experience with all the many other speeches, training, etc that i did, i concluded i have a natural tendency to refuse scripted text. i allowed my articulation of anything (my speech, the skit, etc) to flow according to the "feel" and i was always guided by key points rather than fixed scripts. and one thing stood out for me - i was able to weave little bites of everyday things into what i say and it came out very naturally. it was always very impromptu, very spontaneous and very instinctive. and consistently, it was these little bites that made the difference.

so yeah, i think i am a natural weaver. a weaver of stories. a weaver who is able to connect dots and articulate it as a story. it explained the good feel people get when they attend my trainings. i was able to infuse my personal experiences into the concepts taught, and most importantly, deliver it naturally. proud of myself.

:-)

feel good factor 2

the lesson at the university went very smoothly. superbly well in fact.

but it started off with a little shock. when i arrived, my lecturer told me he had collapsed 2 classes into one for my lesson and thus i had a larger than expected class size. it was rather unnerving when i learned of it. but what unnerved me more was the fact that the lecturers of both classes decided to sit in and listen through my lesson! to get such news before a lesson was indeed very destabilizing. and the fact that both taught me before, and one of them had the reputation of being very strict and no-nonsense, made me rather uneasy. but thankfully, things went well. and despite being the first time, the rapport betwwen the students and i was good. everyone warmed up to each other very quickly. and by the second half of the lesson, the atmosphere was rather good and lively. questions were fast and furious. and exchanges of thoughts were deep and engaging. 

i enjoyed myself frankly.

:-)

ps: and at the end of the lesson, both lecturers told me they would like me to teach more modules... arghhh... heh heh... ok ok, positive thinking, opportunities to earn some extra cash! lol!

teaching

got a pleasant surprise yesterday. a really pleasant one!

you see, 2 weeks ago, i got a request from my ex-supervisor to do a sharing for a masters class that he would be teaching in the coming semester. i agreed as it was a topic that i am very familiar with. also, i felt honoured that my supervisor remembered me and thought it was nice of him to extend this invite.

and i got an email from him yesterday telling me that my sharing would be considered a formal lesson and that i would be paid $450 for the 3hr given to me! wow! totally did not see this coming! so nice of him right?!

heh heh...

reunited & it feels so good

sometime back, i decided to remove all my blogs that captured my thoughts about volunteer teaching and experiences as a volunteer teacher. and what i did was to publish them in a separate blog. this was with the thinking that in doing so, i would be able to protect my students. it would not do good for any parents to be worried about having a gay teacher teach their kids. but well, now that i have terminated my volunteer teaching, i have decided that i should merge my postings/ reflections back into this blog.

and that was exactly what i have just done!

:-)

ps: frankly, i did think twice about why i should even do it in the first place cos if i cannot be true to myself, i would not be able to be a true teacher. then again, that would be too naive and too self-centered a thinking to keep. and finally after quite a bit of reflections, i segregated the blogs.

am out of it

after thinking about it for sometime, i have formally written in to withdraw from my volunteer teaching and my email had been acknowledged. nonetheless, i did indicate that if there is an urgent need and relief teaching is needed, i would be able to help.

disinterest?

bee asked me why i seemed so disinterested in attending anything related to the temple these days. he asked this when i replied i'd prefer not to attend a friday evening talk last week. well, frankly, it was not that i was not interested in it. in fact, i am even more interested. but i would like to relook at the approach of how i should go about my learning journey. i have decided that i should do learn in a way that is congruent to my own beliefs. my teacher, the lord buddha, taught me to question. my teacher taught me not to accept when is told simply. and my teacher taught me to strive for my own enlightenment. in short, he taught me to be critical and objective in my learning. he has done the same in his own search for the truth and that is what i am doing now.

as to why i have decided to do so, i must admit that i am disappointed with many things, and much of this is related to people's ego, ignorance, pride, self-agenda and above all unenlightened politics. i am disillusioned with many people i have interacted with. but i shall let things be. what i have learned from the last one year when i made the deliberate decision to plunge myself into the whole community was that there are many who have put their hearts into this community and that their efforts are commendable. but conversely, in the spirit of not offending people and allowing things to be, there is also a very strong underlying disquiet. the live and let live mentality is a good one. it allows things to flow. but i am also acutely aware of the fact that we are human and that the live and let live mentality is not easily attainable. and so, the result is unstated resentment. a lot of it. politics in its pent up form.

i have also seen many undesirable aspects of people in this community. but well, shall just leave it here. no point stating them out. afterall, we are human and that humans are known to err.

quitting

this the time for quitting... mm, sm quit cabinet, george yeo forced to quit minister role, the most respected cst forced to quit politics after losing his grc fight, sylvia quitting teaching role, and for me, i have also decided that i shall leave my volunteer teacher role...

hmmm...

teacher student

most of the time when i teach, i end up learning more... cos teaching forces me to internalize knowledge, and the questioning allows me to see things in different perspectives... so... yes, when you teach, you are in fact the student yourself!

:-)

class started

started my buddhist class again today. did not attend the class last week... so i thought i better attend this week. simple and straight forward module on the life of buddha. then again, it is always good to listen to stories. and of cos, go to the temple. place where my mind can relax.

:-)