sapphie

name: sapphie aka na na aka jen jen aka ah na dob: 03 Nov 2000 breed: mongrel favourite activity: chasing after tennis balls or anything that bounces favourite food: anything wet and meaty! favourite pastime: sitting at the balcony and watching the world passes by/ sleeping favourite sleeping position: with all four legs up and against the wall bad habits: chasing and eating houseflies most feared animal: cats most feared object: collapsible fence most feared person: veterinarian with needles (& at times, James)

This is my dog, my constant and closest companion at this point in my life since James and I separated. A 6 year-old female mongrel, a product of another male mongrel and a female border collie. Name's Sapphie. Got her some 6 years ago with James from Lester who's border collie was %(^*#$^ by a stray male mongrel over his terrace house gate :)... and gave birth to 8 puppies (of which 7 survived). She was dark brown as a puppy (closer to black) and had a white front right paw. I almost called her White Socks becos of that (and cuter too)! but James felt Sapphie was nicer and more appropriate.

Had a hard time with her when she was a puppy cos she'd chew eveything to bits including my doors, parapets, table legs, chairs, etc... once she even ventured into my room and dragged out all the rubbish in the waste basket. I was so furious I punished her (shan't write what I did lest I get dragged to court and charged for ill-treating my dog...) anyway, her first year was the most trying. Since then, she has learnt many things, been toilet trained and aware that she can go everywhere in the house except the bedrooms.

A very fast learner, she was quick to pick up many commands in her first 2 years. She is now able to understand up to about 20 commands including sit, come, go, heel, down, stay, fetch, drop, paw paw (shake hands), die (to lie on her back with 4 legs in the air), food (eat), water-water (drink), hurry-up! (shit/ pee), jump (over hula hoops), see life (front paw on the balcony to look over the balcony), etc etc etc... :)

Accept me

Was clearing some of my old stuff and came across this poster that I bought some 10 years back (just before I came out). I am still able to identify with the words as I did 10 years ago, although the context is slightly different... then, I was coming to terms with my own sexuality and the acceptance I felt I needed arose from the perception of rejection by everyone around me... this time round, it is more of my thoughts towards my organisation as well as my country. Having gone thru when I went thru last year, where I was outed by my security department and following that, put on all sorts of restrictions on my personal life, the words somehow resonate even more for me this time round. The poster reads:

Accept me

I am I
Do not change me
Condemn me
nor put me down
Accept me for what I am
No... you need not agreee with me
But accept me
for I am total in being
I have faults
I have my guilts
But that is who I am
Perfect I will never be
Allow me to be uninhibited
Do not pressure me into feeling
what I do not feel
Accept me when I am flying high
As I have accepted you when
you were flying high
Do not put me down... nor make
me feel unhappy about me
I am I
and I like being what I am

Me.

Larry S. Chenngges

Killing oneself

This happened in NIE last year and was copied from my Fridae diary.

Surreal. Was attending a class this morning when there was a commotion outside. A guy was seen sitting on the ledge and mumbling to himself. He stayed there for an hour and a half and then walked to the edge of the ledge, intending to jump. The hour and a half drama made the whole school came to a stand still. The police were there. The civil defence officers were there. In fact, it seemed that the whole world was there - lecturers, students, canteen operators, cleaners, security guards, everyone. Everyone was standing outside looking at him. Some were gasping. Guess everybody had wanted a piece of the drama. 

The whole episode also set me thinking - What were these people/ onlookers waiting for? For him to jump and see him smashed up and shiver till the last moment when every minute signs of life leaves his body? or what? What was on their mind? Was it "Please jump so that I can get a piece of the drama to tell my friends?" or "Please don't jump so that I won't be traumatised by the blood and gore if you were to be smashed up?" or what? Were they disappointed when he finally was pulled to safety by the CD officers who rappelled down from the roof? or, were they relieved? or both? cos while he was saved, they had, in the end, no gory/ sensationalized tale to tell? While I could sense some form of relieve when I see the onlookers clapping their hands, I could not help it but also sensed some form of disappointment (for the lack of high drama).

Then again - What on the mind of the guy who wanted to jump? or was he just an attention seeker? Was he really intend on killing himself? Why did he stay at the ledge for a good hour and a half if he had wanted to kill himself? Shouldn't he just jumped off and not waste everyone's effort to assemble the mats (oh my poor poor batch of PE students! I salute your efforts!), CD officers rappelling, counselling etc if he had really wanted to kill himself? What made him do it? What is the psyche of someone who wants to kill himself?

I do not know about him, but I certainly knew what went through my head as I myself was at the 'edge' several times not too long ago. I turned back in the end. My common sense prevailed. It would not be fair to get my parents and all my loved ones to mourn for me. Very selfish.

Reflections of my break-up

Feb 2006 - Moving on

Been more than 3 months since I suggested the break and frankly, I have not gotten over him. I still miss him terribly and glimpses of him in the house still flashed pass me whenever I see his things. I am constantly reminded of him, the smells in the house, his belongings that is still lying all over the house, his clothes, his bags, his books, and all his letters that are still coming in daily. Although I was the one who decided to move on, it seemed to me that I am the one who is still not able to get over him. Ironic. Many a times, I would recall my close friends reminding me that it is no use getting nostalgic and sentimental about things for I have decided to move on. Yet, on the other hand, whenever I see his things, recieve his letters, etc, I get reminded of him. Whatever the case, I have to manage myself. I have to be strong and move on.

Jan 2006 - Reflecting 2005
2005 had been a defining year for me in all aspects - personal, work, home, health etc. I have ended 2005 with him moving out of our house after living together for 7 years. Ironically, even though I was the one who initiated the break-up on 1 Nov last year, I had not expected myself to be so affected... even until now. Occasionally, the feeling of missing him would just hit me from no where and I would break into tears. Since he left the house, I had not dare to sleep with the lights off. Not sure why, but I felt very insecure. My insomnia has got worst. His smell still lingers in the bed. Nonetheless, I have to move on. I have to also make all efforts to reach out to him. I would still like to be his friend. He has treated me coldly thus far. My smses has been either ignored or responded late and with monosyllabic answers most of the time. But I understand his anger, I understand his pains. I can only apologise.

Dec 2005 - To those who've crossed my path
To all those who have made a positive impact in my life, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.To those whom I have hurt, I am sorry, I assure you, it was never intentional.To those whom I have loved, you are still in my heart, you will always be... Breaking up... is so hard to do... haiz...

Nov 2005 - Coming to terms
While it was not easy to say out the words - I wanna move on - it is even more difficult to untangle all the knots that we have tied over the last 6 plus years. I don't even know what's mine or what's his after so long. Must start somewhere, but don't know where to start.... really. Whatever the case, it has been most emotional for me these few days. Hard to talk to friends, even more hard to keep a straight face and behaving normally with him (considering we are staying together and I have no intentions to ask him to leave, chosing instead to let him decide if he wishes to). For the first time, he did not kiss me when he leaves for work, his smses to me become very rare and even if he does sms, they sound very neutral and to the point, he sleeps so much, etc. Am still crying whenever I am alone. Cannot help but also felt a sense of nostalgia (and perhaps a sense of guilt) when I look at his face in the middle of the night. For I myself am feeling the after-effects of a break up although I was the one who initiated it. Then again, I have convinced myself that in the longer run, this is probably the best arrangement. Perhaps too in this way, he will not be tracked by my security office anymore. And that he can also now wholeheartedly pursue his dreams of being who's who in his field of work. And to top it off, we both behave rather normally in front of each other. Am very concern about him and how he is taking it yet I myself am not taking it too well. Amidst all these emotional swings, I do find solace and strength from some of MY friends who gave me words of strength. Also realised that with the break, somehow his friends (which have over time become our friends) have started to become his friends (only) again. Really hope this transition phase will pass quickly. I would like to continue being best of friends with him and things seemed to be heading towards that direction. And I am thankful and hopeful about it. He is still and will always be very very dear to me. And for now, I can only say - I am sorry.

01 Nov 2005 - Managing Friends
1 Nov - Time to move on after 6 and a half years. Not easy and I reckon the coming few weeks would be really tough - for him, for me, for all of us. It has been really traumatic for me to do it for I still love him deeply. Yet, I must move on in the interest of both of us in the longer term.Finding it really tough today when I broke the news and never never ever would I expect that it was even tougher to manage his (our) friends than to manage him. I felt really intruded upon by an outsider when I was taken to task for not telling them before I actually break the news. I had not preplanned the break up date/ time. I knew it was coming. I saw it coming but I did not planned for it to happen at an exact date/ time. It just felt appropriate this morning. Things are just not so text book and sequential. I was chided for not keeping the promise of providing early notice. Then again, early notice to me meant being early enough for them to be there for him when the news finally sink in and not to preempt when I will actually tell him. But I guess this was not to be understood by his (our) friends. Perhaps I have not communicated my intentions clearly enough to them or perhaps I have placed to much faith in friends and that I have assumed they would understand and be there to support us - not just him but me included. Then again, perhaps it was bad judgement on my part, for they seemed to place too much hooha over the exact date/ time that I break the news rather than see it from the perspective that the support I need from them would be a long drawn one. So what if I had told them of the time I am gonna break the news (not that I could in the first place)? Wouldn't it be even more horrible for him to have his friends call him and try to console him of the break up once I broke the news? If I were him, I certainly would feel super lousy to know that I was the last to know about it. Perhaps I should see it positively that their response reflected their concern for him. From this angle, I have to thank them for it. Whatever the case, trying to seek friends' support in this world is so bloody challenging. I guess I have to manage this on my own henceforth. Once again, I have failed to understand the age old lesson that in life, always rely on no one except yourself.