2018 - a messy year

I will christen 2018 as “A Messy Year”. I had initially wanted to call it the "Year of the Heart" but decided that "Mess" would be more appropriate. I do believe that quite a bit of things that happened to me over the last one year could be attributed to the pent up emotions following my mum's passing end-2015, my decision to run away from some of my personal tensions, and my inability to manage myself well on all fronts through the year. With this convergence of factors, 2018 erupted into a perfect storm of issues that eventually took a toll on my health. For my reflections, I will focus on 3 key things that I felt consumed my whole year - my health, my work and my relationship. For completeness, I will also pen some quick words on areas such as friends, family, and so on.

My Health

2018 has been one helluva mess for me health-wise. As in 2017, I often felt sad and depressed and I had the tendency to withdraw into a world of my own. And with the stress from work, and my increasing loneliness, I eventually lost control of myself. I resorted to fleeting sex and occasional cf to escape from the stress and loneliness. I experienced very bad heart palpitations end of June and was evacuated to the hospital. I was subsequently diagnosed to have heart palpitations and had to undergo ablation. The procedure lasted about 8 hours, 4 times longer than expected 2 hours. Thankfully, there was no further complications. As part of the procedure, the doctor also discovered a 80% blockage in one of the artery. I will be going through an angioplasty in Jan 2019. Apart from this, I also experienced bloodied urine at least twice through the year. Whether this was due to a build up of kidney stones, I don't know. My next review with the urologist will be in Sep 2019.

My Work 

In my 2017 reflection, I named "work" as the single most significant factor that shaped my year. I had enter a new industry and and had immersed my whole self into this new role. I had to grapple with a change in some key people within the team towards the end of 2017. With this as the context at the start of 2018, there were 3 levels of stress at work, namely, (1) unrealistic expectations, (2) leaders' lack of accountability, and (3) a new team inexperienced team. The combination of all these 3 factors was rather overwhelming as they build upon each other. Firstly, this year's KPIs were unrealistic. I had first highlighted this when the year started but it was simply brushed off. It was futile to change my big boss's thoughts about the KPIs in part becos the big boss was superbly difficult to talk with. Added to that, I also noted I was not the only person to get such unrealistic KPIs. So... Secondly, there were changes to the departments' senior leadership team this year. What went horribly wrong was when one of the new senior leader did not want to get her hands dirty to do all the operational work and began pushing her responsibilities around. It was terrible and many of my peers suffered the same from her. For me, I eventually came to a point where I had to down tools totally and told her off that she needed to manage things herself. Lastly, I managed to put together a new team following the departure of some key members last year. The person I hired was a huge disappointment and, in my opinion, did not fit in well. He was more conceptual than me and lacked the ability to focus on the details! I ended up having to monitor and question every single little details of his team eventually. I had no choice but to do this following several incidents that involved some pretty senior personalities... as always, the work was easy, but having to handle operational issues because of someone's refusal to accept accountabilities, or because of someone's inability to do so was terrible! It was not easy to have to manage up and down amidst all the stresses of having to deliver the KPIs. Something had to go and in the end, my health gave way. I end 2018 assuming a newly created position. I have the flexibility to frame what I can do in this new port folio. The challenge would be that my immediate boss has tendered and will leave by March 2019. Positively speaking, there will be many things to learn in 2019!

My Relationship

My partner of 14 years (whom I called Bee) and I finally separated in Sep 2018. There were many reasons for this and they include his focus on his work, our relationship got neglected, I got too much time at hand, I got to know someone in Grindr (let's call him PZ). And the rest just happened quite by itself. To add to the mess, I got myself so much in to the new person that I could not pull myself out despite him coming clean with me that he has a partner in Malaysia, that he had also been involved in another relationship with married person for the last 5 years and the consistent lies that he created to hide these details from me. It was too tiring and too stressful but I couldn't and didn't how to extricate myself by then. Eventually, PZ called off both his 8-year and 5-year relationships. We got together and in less than 3 months, the stress got to the point where we quarreled and things went awry. He eventually called off the relationship. It was the first time in about 2 decades where I was single, again. I spend a lot of time with my ex during the few days after I became single and at one point I asked my ex if he would consider starting all over again. My ex didn't give me an outright answer apart from the input that he was afraid he will not be able to fulfill my needs (of time and attention) due to his work. He left the conversation there without giving a clear answer. It was also this time when PZ contacted me to talk things through. In the end, we agreed to give our failed relationship another goal and... yup, that was my quick summary of my relationship for 2018. So... yes, relationship was a MESS in 2018. I didn't manage things well. Thankfully, things ended with a bit more clarity on both PZ and my sides, both making the resolve to want to make things happen. Will need to focus on rebuilding my relationship in 2019.

My Escapes 

Well, "escapes" in this paragraph can be framed in more than one way. Firstly, and in a physical sense, it refers to my overseas travels. Effectively, 2018 will probably go down as the year where I traveled the most. If I counted it correctly, not counting work trips, I visited overseas no less than 10 - 11 times over the course of the year. They included trips to Hong Kong where I would either frequent gay saunas or meet up with my friends (or probably you can call it "friend with benefits"), many trips to KL and Bandung with PZ, as well as a disastrous trip to Tokyo with Bee. For my trip to Tokyo, we quarrelled the first day of the trip and went on cold war or the next day or two. He had to return one day earlier to attend to his mother when she had a fall. Secondly, "escapes" also refer to the many occasions where I hooked up with people in Grindr in my attempts to seek companionship and/ or sex. In some instances, cf was involved. I would always end up with superbly bad headache for a few days after that. So... yeah, I admit I had been irresponsible to myself in 2018, but living a life like that was the best escape for me. Judge me if you want, I don't care. I don't think I will ever use it in 2019, especially now that I have PZ with me.

My Friends

In 2018, I deepened my relationships with some of my closer friends, especially those from my previous company. These friends, had over time, come to become my extended family. Interestingly, many of them address me as "Daddy" or "Baba/ Papa" and one of them even asked if I would consider having him as my adopted son. That was how close I had established myself with them. The meet ups and the interactions got deeper not just becos there were more meet ups, but also becos many of them went through quite a bit of tensions/ stress and came to me for advise/ help. These include relationship/ marital issues, work-related issues as well as job changes, among others. For 2019, I can expect to see 2 - 3 of them leaving their jobs and seeking new ones. I hope I will be able to provide them with the support they need when they go through the transition.

My Family

I came to a point where relationship with my immediate family didn't really matter to me anymore. Que sera sera, that was my attitude towards my family in 2018. For my eldest sister, although ties was strained, she was a bit more open to texting me. This, I suspect, was because I reached out to her after learning that she has cancer. Relationship with my second sister was the same - cordial and warm. We kept in contact and she would often keep me in mind when she cooked stuff like curries, popiahs, bee hoon, noodles, etc. I am thankful to her for remembering me whenever she cooked. As for my brother, I have accepted the fact that I will no longer have the chance to reconnect with him (not that I want to). Apart from that, everything else with my extended family (including my aunts, cousins, etc) remained quite constant. For 2019, I suspect death will befall at least one or two individuals within my extended family. I know it's quite a morbid thought and hope I am wrong. Then again to me, I embrace death as much as I embrace living and experiencing life. So yeah, whatever will come will come.

Conclusion

2018 has been a superbly messy one for me. As I reflected during the start of this post, I believe it was the culmination of the depression since the passing of my mum and my inability to get hold of my life over the last 3 years. The eventual impact on my health was indeed unfortunate and I had wondered if I will ever live to see my next birthday. I am starting 2019 staring at my health and my work squarely, and with the knowledge that I have a new relationship that I can (hopefully) rely on for support. Above all, I know I have to manage myself, be kind to myself and to take care of myself more.

Happy 2019 everyone.

Restarting

He came to my place, we spoke about things and decided to give things a go again. And I am in KL with him currently. For him, this trip is to have a proper closure and to celebrate his bff’s birthday. For me, it’s my much needed break away from home and from work.

So, we’re back where we started and with a better resolve on the journey ahead. 

Wish us luck.

比悲傷更悲傷的故事 (More Than Blue)

This stroy-line of this movie was so sad, I laughed. Ok, to put in perspective, everyone around me cried buckets, including PZ. But frankly, when I suspected things were not so straightforward from the start of the show and took a third person point of view when I watched it. And when the story unfolded and proved my theory, it became funny. Without going into specifics, the following kinda described the show:

• He: I know I have a terminal illness, I don't want her to know.
• She: I know he has a terminal illness, and I know he doesn't want me to know. So I pretend I don't know, so that he will not suspect I know.

This framing took up almost 3/4 of the whole show. The show showed the story from the perspective of the guy. And people were crying buckets by now. And then 3/4 way through, similar scenes were repeated, but now told from the girls' perspective. That was when people started crying even more. The last 10 min of their show was:

• He: I now know she knows but it's too late. I'm dying soon.
• She: He knows now that I know, and I will try my best to look after him.

She brought him home from the hospital, and before they even could spend the night, he died. And she took her own life.

End of story.

Bumblebee

This is a rather draggy show and really made the bots too human-like. Kinda weird.

But overall, it was quite interesting show.

Aquaman

i thoroughly enjoyed this show. And watching how he commanded the sea creatures into battle towards the end of the movie reminded me of the cartoons I watched during my childhood. Hmmm... was it marine boy? Anyway, I enjoyed it thoroughly.

体面 (Dignity)

作词：唐恬
作曲：于文文
编曲：郑楠

别堆砌怀念让剧情 变得狗血
深爱了多年又何必 毁了经典

都已成年不拖不欠
浪费时间是我情愿
像谢幕的演员
眼看着灯光熄灭

来不及 再轰轰烈烈
就保留 告别的尊严
我爱你不后悔 也尊重故事结尾

分手应该体面
谁都不要说抱歉 何来亏欠
我敢给就敢心碎
镜头前面是从前的我们
在喝彩 流着泪声嘶力竭

离开也很体面 才没辜负这些年
更多更详
爱得热烈 认真付出的画面
别让执念 毁掉了昨天
我爱过你 利落干脆

最熟悉的街主角却 换了人演
我哭到哽咽心再痛 就当破茧
来不及 再轰轰烈烈
就保留 告别的尊严
我爱你不后悔 也尊重故事结尾

分手应该体面
谁都不要说抱歉 何来亏欠
我敢给就敢心碎
镜头前面是从前的我们
在喝彩 流着泪声嘶力竭

离开也很体面 才没辜负这些年
爱得热烈 认真付出的画面
别让执念 毁掉了昨天
我爱过你 利落干脆
再见 不负遇见

Namo Avalokiteshvara

I had the opportunity to listen to this chant many years back. I fell in love with it immediately and recalled tearing when I listened to it. It had been a long time and I had forgotten about it.

Two days ago, Yip sent me a documentary that centred around the theme of mindfulness. It was titled "Walk with Me" and was filmed at the Plum Village Monastery. Somewhere in the documentary, this chant was performed. I was dumbstruck when the chant started. It was a simple chant that only comprise the words "Namo Avalokiteshvara". The words meant "Homage to Avalokiteshvara" - "Avalokiteshvara" being the name of a goddess commonly known in chinese as the Guan Yin, or the Goddess of Mercy, the Compassionate.

Before I knew it, I starting tearing. I chided myself mentally for being emotional and tried hard to control my tears. But as the camera panned across the audience, I saw many in the audience tearing. One woman was crying so bad she had to be consoled. It was then that I realised it was I was not the only one that reacted this way to the chant. The chant evoke in my head images of Bodhisattva Avalokiteshvara, the calm, and the compassion. It contrasted strongly with the current state of my mind. And next thing I knew, mental images of my mum’s passing, my grieve, my pains, my emotions, my depression, my failed relationships, everything that I had done or did not do that ended with me harming myself, etc... all came crashing down onto me. And at that moment, I totally submitted myself to my emotions and everything just flowed out. I didn't realise I had so many pent up emotions in me. The momentary letting go helped me tremendously. It centred and calmed me down.

I was glad I watched the documentary (embedded below). I need to restart cultivating my mindfulness again.

Keeping things simple

Today, I decided to declutter my place. And I did so as I packed his stuff. I took the opportunity to throw away a lot of my old stuff - unused postcards, unused old gifts that has turned yellow, kept my dining chairs in the store room, cleared the fridge of food, cleared the cupboard of clothings that I’ve not worn for a while, arranged my hangers, threw away some medications, toiletries, etc etc etc. By the time I finished, the house look and feel quite empty. 

I like things this way. Simple and neat. This was how it was immediately after mum passed on. But things piled up again. And over the last 6 months, I did not have the time nor energy to clean the house. It’s either I was staying over at his place, or when we returned, I didn’t have the motivation nor energy. Added to that, over the last couple of months, there was a lot of renovations going on at my neighbour’s place and it was impossible for me to have things dustfree. So now, it’s catch up time.

I supposed my efforts in decluttering my house is also part of my attempt to clear the mess I’ve created for myself in my life. Time to move on, relook at how I’ve lived my life and to start afresh. It’s been a couple of days being alone and it’s not easy. But admittedly, it was quite refreshing too. And I miss him. But I didn't want to call him as I was also angry at how he treated me. I was also reminded of how much time and energies I have committed to the relationship in the last 6 months. And yesterday, he texted me to tell me he wanted to end the relationship. So... time to reorganize my life and relook at things.

Time to declutter my life, and keep things simple. And time to do what I want. For myself.

Themes for 2018

Time flies. It's the time where I will be writing my annual end-of-the-year blog soon. I have christened each of the last decade with key words that described the year. And this year, a few words came to mind. These include “Heart”, “Mess”, “Stress”, and “Challenges”. 

I have not decided which to use, but my immediate thoughts is that “Heart” is very apt. But apt as it may be, it is related more to issues (health and relationship) that happened only in the last 6 months. I will not do justice to the year if I were to use “Heart” to frame it. As for “Stress” and “Challenges”, these may very well be the case but I acknowledged that these concepts are a constant in life and can be applicable for any year. So... for now, “Mess” seems to be the most appropriate. It describes aptly the cause of the stress, the effects (and possibly the cause) of the “Heart” issues, and the challenges that presented themselves to me eventually. 

And reflecting, I do realise this - the words that came to mind are all rather negative sounding. I supposed it is a reflection of my current state of mind, and possibly my personality. I am naturally more inclined to dwell in and remember negative things as they impact me more profoundly. I must learn to see and frame things more positively. Weird that I have to remind myself about this, considering I’ve always been advising people around me to do it. Anyway, I have one more week to go before I pen my annual reflections. Will continue to reflect on the theme. 

Stay tuned.

Into the Wild @ Work

A new department was created from scratch and I was asked to lead this department. I was given this opportunity because the company felt I was best suited for it. For me, I decided to accept it because I thought it would be less stressful (given a smaller team and that I have the ability to decide how I should scope it). But, more importantly, I accepted the role because of the fact that I will continue to work with my current boss. The understanding between my boss and I has been that I will focus on the work and she will handle the people (aka politics). That understanding had worked out perfectly for the last 2 years. 

Last week, I finally relinquished my position and handed it over to a new chap. As part of handing over the department, I will, however, have to close the year, prepare the new fiscal year’s budget and aid in all outstanding projects. And after that, I have been tasked to play the role of an advisor for the new chap as he runs in in the next 3-6 months. As for the new port folio, the scope was enlarged and the bosses has ambitiously promised top management a lot more things than what I had expected. So you can imagine the amount of things I had to do and the challenges I am faced with during this period.

And then my boss dropped a bomb shell on me two days ago - that she had tendered her resignation.

Wtf!

自爱

Do you have something that you need to talk about? a dear friend asked. No, all’s good, I said. Whatever it is, just remember these two words:

“自爱”

(translated to “Love/-ing yourself”), my friend added, even as she does not know anything about what happened. That, to me, was the best reminder possible for me at this time... I supposed she knows I am the type that gives my all when in a relationship and always end up being misunderstood or hurt. 

I have to learn to listen to my brain more and my heart less. Cos all the time, when I listen to my heart, I will justify for people why they did what they did, give them the benefit of doubt, and invariably end up hurting myself. Had happened through my life and it happened again. There’s just a very fine and grey line between loving oneself and loving people.

It will be very difficult for me, but I must try.

(I found this link when I googled "Self-Love". As I read, I realised how I had been shortchanging myself for so long)

erectile dysfunction

I am not shy nor embarrassed to share this - that I find it very difficult to get aroused these days - especially over the last couple of days. I think it’s due to my health and made worst by stress - from work, and personal life. I read that one could get erectile dysfunction from health and stress. But the thing is, when you get it, you feel stress, and this goes into a negative loop. Hard fact but true. 

Let’s see how it goes.

Single

This week, after 20 years, I’m single again. 

Humiliation

Humiliation is no different from violence. 

It has no place in relationships.

Period.

Happy 52 to myself

I turned 52 yesterday. 

It was a non-affair for me. It simply whizzed by although people around me were quite excited about it. I received numerous whatsapps from friends throughout the day wishing me well. It was quite a nice feeling knowing my friends remembered me. And truth be told, I have asked myself if I would live to see my next birthday. I don't know, given my constant breathlessness, and occasional chest pains. I am also beginning to experience trembling hands, slurring speeches, forgetfulness, typos in my emails, etc. 

I have just done a blood test and got myself hooked up to the Holter again just now. Will be doing a review tomorrow before another doctor will assess my suitability to go through angioplasty. If all things are ok, I think it would be done some time next month. We'll see.

2019 will be a tough one for me at work. Have relinquished my port-folio and accepted a new one. The pressures are high to write a new chapter for the company. And my best-in-the-world boss has signaled to me the strong possibility of her resigning... Will write more in time to come. For now, just giving myself the space to just zen-off and take things slow, even if I come across as being a little more laid back during work time.

It's the year-end mood after all. Let's not be too hard on myself.

Happy birthday to myself.

Quick thoughts: The last 6 months...

I've been quiet, really quiet. I think I've lost the momentum to blog. This, to a huge extent, was due to me struggling with my life over the last half year or so... so much so that I was left totally drained and no energy to do anything else. Let me explain... 

Some of you have asked me about my break-up with Bee. To put in perspective, I wouldn't put it as me breaking up with him. Rather, it was an amicable break-up where he decided to give me his blessings when one day on 20 Sep, he asked - are you seeing someone? I said yes, and he said ok, then I will let you go. The rest was history. And although the "I'll let you go" came out so easily, what happened the following weeks were nothing short of drama - there were threats of suicide, of taking lives, inability to let go, emotions, etc. The amount of intertwining of our lives and habits over the 14-year relationship was simply too much to call it off so easily. 

As for the new guy, what happened was - I started seeing him since June this year. It started off as a meet up in office after knowing he was in the same company as me, and things led on to more and before we knew it, we got ourselves entangled. He came from Penang and had gone to Kuala Lumpur 8 years ago to pursue his degree. He got attached to someone there and had since lived with him. He came to Singapore to work since Apr this year and I go to know him in May 18 - through Grindr. The whole process of knowing him, messing with him, finding out that he's partnered, la la la... was nothing short of traumatic. The initial months were full of lies and hidden secrets and it got worst and worst as I discovered more and more about him, his personal life etc. Shan't go into details and it sufficed to say that what started off as a casual meet up turned into a fling and we didn't know how to stop it. 

And all these happened at the same time. 

So here we are, a new couple after he broke off with his partner, and I got the blessings of my partner. As all these happened, work turned messy with major projects almost monthly, changes in some of the leadership positions, new processes and pressures to deliver KPIs. All these added and piled up against one another and I supposed led to the eventual heart issues. 

Well, it's been a tough half year... it robbed me of my energies totally. I am into my last fortnight before the year ends and where I reflect on the last 12 months. For now, I have tentatively called 2018 the year of the heart. Will review closer to 31 Dec.

Sounds of silence

Nov 18 - the month where I did not blog for the whole month. It’s a first in over a decade. Being busy, bogged down with health issues, handling personal issues, etc has become a constant. Sometimes I wonder if this is a sign of aging or is it just a manifestation of my current state of being? Whatever... doesn’t matter right? Shall write more in the days to come. And it’s time for me to think about the milestones of 2018.