being happy

is a state of mind...

the break up

corresponded with andy over the last two days. learnt about their break up. guess the initial months of a relationship are the most challenging. both sides need to feel comfortable for the relationship to proceed. just hope both parties are moving on well.

once again, found myself in a position of concern yet cannot speak. just thought time is not right. not convenient nor appropriate.

not yet.

about our friends

learnt from my bee bee that some of our common friends have asked if he is ok. guess they have read my blog and were worried as to whether there are any issues between us. well, things between bee and i are fine. nothing bad happening between us. as to my reflections in my blog, he is fully aware of it all. we are open about sharing our reflections and thoughts.

we rationalised that it is better to be transparent with our thoughts. we cannot escape from the fact that we have ghosts within us. it's how we manage these ghosts and how we support each other that is important.

nonetheless, i thank our friends for their concerns :)

things are really fine. really.

nostalgia - here without you

heard this song on the radio many times and had wanted to purchase the CD for the longest time ever. was something i heard over and over again when i lived in tampa, florida and the radio would play it almost everyday. became a song that accompany my daily runs around the tampa bay.

such nostalagia. can almost smell the smell of the bay whenever i hear this song.

:-)

i miss florida.

my funeral song

the song to be played for my funeral

Lyrics...

Tender is the night
lying by your side.
Tender is the touch
of someone that you love to much.
Tender is the day
the demons go away.
Lord, I need to find
someone who can heal my mind.

Come on, come on, come on
get through it.
Come on, come on, come on
love's the greatest thing.
Come on, come on, come on
get through it.
Come on, come on, come on
love's the greatest thing, that we have,
I'm waiting for that feeling,waiting for that feeling,
waiting for that feeling to come...
Oh my baby, oh my baby

Tender is the ghost
The ghost I love the most.
Hiding from the sun
waiting for the night to come.
Tender is my heart
it's screwing up my life.
Lord, I need to find
someone who can heal my mind...

Tender is the night
lying by your side.
Tender is the touch
of someone that you love to much.
Tender is my heart
it's screwing up my life.
Lord, I need to find
someone who can heal my mind...

Oh my baby, oh my baby
Heal me, heal me

planning for my funeral

i know it sounds kinda bizarre and totally warped... but i have been telling my bee bee and my family how i would like my funeral to be done.

buddhist funeral.
no frills.
make it a simple affair that celebrates life rather than mourn my death.
death marks the end of a chapter.
but more importantly,
it marks the start of a new beginning.

for a start, i would like the song `tender' to be played during my funeral. james introduced it to me sometime back. no particular reasons other than the fact that i really like the song - gives me a gospel-like feel yet not `christiany'. i would very much like it to be played during my funeral. i still do. i still do.

also, i would like to be cremated. and my ashes be strewn into the sea. or back to the forest. bottomline, i would like to be back with mother nature.

my dog is getting old

sapphie is now 7.5 years old. middle age for a dog.

she underwent a lymphactomy last month to remove 2 lumps of fats from her body. the vet had advised for the lumps to be removed soonest in case it happened to be cancerous. well, she has since recovered from her op. the vet had also cautioned against any snacks or human food as her test showed that she might have initial signs of kidney failure...

but i still cannot but feel that she has somewhat aged over the past months. despite the fact that she is still as playful, she seemed to get into these moments of slow responses, reduced agility and more proned to injuries.

just today, while playing, she jumped up to reach her toy and as she landed, she sprained her own rear thighs. ended up whimpering and limped around the house in pain. she was very confused why she couldn't walk properly and i could see the pain in her eyes. it was such a sad sight.

first time i came across such an incident. so sad. she only recovered after i massaged her thighs and through it all, she was whimpering away, not in the manja way, but in the oh-it-is-so-^(&^(*^&*$^%$-painful sort of way.

getting old with age i guess.

qualifiers - james

felt the need to write this after some friends asked me about james...

i want to qualify here that what has been reflected are my personal reflections. reflections seen through my lenses and expressed from my point of view. i may sound critical of james and i may come across as sounding self-righteous. but really, i have my own faults and i have, admittedly, played a part in the eventual break-up. to be fair, james is really a beautiful person despite his minuses. what i have written are expressions of my frustrations - and to me, it is natural to write more about my pains rather than my happiness.

and he will always be a part of me.

forever.

are u obsessed?

peter wrote me a mail and we chatted last nite. he asked if i am obsessed about james and whether my relationship and the eventual parting with him will continue to haunt me... well, i really don't think so. what i have written was perhaps a reflection of what went thru my mind at a particular point in time. my reflections is a way of helping me put things in perspective. it helps me move on.

it is interesting how many of the cliches appeared and reiterated itself in this episode between james and i. cliches such as `if you love someone, let him go', `time heals', `treasure your past, learn from the mistakes', `don't try too hard to forget the past, it will haunt you, accept it, treasure it, learn from it and move on', `it is not important how much you do, but how you have made the person feel that is important'... it all come so naturally when one reflects over the relationship in a composed and objective mind

for me, of cos i am angry, of cos these emotions will continue to appear whenever i see new things happening, of cos there will be a tendency to compare... these are just natural. but what is important is that we reflect on it and see things in perspective. i have to do that. only by doing so will i continue to grow and move on.

james was, is and will continue to be a very important part of me and my life. i have spent 10% of my whole life dedicated to him. whatever faults he may have, whatever hurt i might have caused him, whatever hurt he might have made me go thru will all be put in perspective over time. as we grow and reflect, we will slowly begin to understand why we acted the way we did and perhaps even acknowledge that we had been too hotheaded, too self-centered, etc

i have.

not much different from how one forgives the dead when he dies. no point holding on to the grudge. it destroys one silently.

i see this as part of growing up as a person, not just as a gay person.

wanna buy tickets?

received an sms from james last nite. it went something like this:

"Hi, can i take sapphie out tomorrow?.... oh, i had bought 2 tickets to asian boys vol 3 on 21 jul 8pm at drama center and i cannot make it. would you like to buy the ticket from me? it cost 48.40 each. .... oh, the phone is still with me, i will pass it back to you tomorrow..."

seemed like a very straight forward sms. could not but felt very strange and somewhat disappointed for the following reasons

• knowing him, he'd probably offer the tickets to his friends for free (he had on previous occasions, bought tickets for performances and due to last minute changes, offered tickets to his friends for free eg dominic and jason). but that he had instead asked me if i wanted to buy... well, what does that mean?
• it's been 3.5 weeks and only now does he remember that the phone, that i use for work and that i had passed to him as he had in-camp training, is still with him. what does that say of his attitude when it comes to things that does not really matter to him? well, that's him i guess. this part of him had not changed.

anyway, told him i bought a new phone and that he can keep it for future in-camps. as for the tickets, don't think i'll be watching asian boys anyway, but had immediately said ok and transferred the money to him. at least i can ease his tension of having to find someone to sell the ticket to.

his smses set me thinking about another thing - has he and andy broke up? noted that he had changed his fridae profile from `in a monogamous relationship' to `single'. did something happened? cannot help but felt a bit worried about him.

but it was not convenient for me to ask.

james & i - the final straw

the following capture some of the questions and events that tipped the scale... and I decided to move on... after 7 years of waiting.

context: in my car by siglap community center. driving home after our sunday breakfast at bedok hawker center. raised the issue and asking cos I was so exasperated with his refusal for sex, his avoidance to talk to me abt it, and instead choosing instead to talk to dominic and his closeness to dominic.

me: what, in your opinion, are the differences between a friend and a boyfriend or for that matter, a partner?

him: I don't know.

context: another sunday after breakfast at frankel cidele. downstairs - at my car park, after parking my car. me - feeling frustrated with his obsession with his work, choosing to stay at work (with dominic?) rather than spending time with me.

me: how long more will i have to wait before you can spend time with me, doing what couples do, watch tv, laze around, ...? it's been 6 year's and it's become a constant pattern. year after year of waiting, from when you were a sec 1 form teacher until now, you are a jc 1 form teacher... and i am not getting any younger.

him: my aim is to eventually be a director in the ministry and i will continue to work as hard, harder if i have to, until reach my directorship.

me: and how long will that be?

him: another fifteen years.

me: and you expect me to wait for fifteen years?

him: yes.

context: been told of my suspected epilepsy and had to go for my second brain wave test after a night of deprived sleep. feeling very tired, not allowed to drive, petrified, and scared shit of what was happening to me. sep 23, 2005. before changing up to go to the hospital, i asked for the final time, half pleading.

me: will you be able to take some time off and accompany me to the hospital?

him: i can't. i have a meeting to attend. cannot postpone.

was i selfish to break the relationship? if it is no, why then do i feel so guilty doing it? was it not something a sane person would do to protect himself. was i wrong to do something to preserve myself? just that once?

james & i - third year to sixth

the year was 2002-3.

i decided to leave sia cargo before my confirmation. i couldn't see any future in the company. not when my direct boss kept bitching and picking on everything i do. couldn't take her accusations and suspicions anymore.

went back to service for one simple reason - money. very practical. i had concluded that no matter where i go, i will have to put up with homophobia. i have concluded that what i have to address is myself (not too sure about that now though).

anyway, james & i continue into our third year.

he progressed to teach in the second year for the gifted programme. his obsession with his work continued. the toll on our relationship was clear. in part, it was also due to me not being able to communicate to him the way he would like me to, and for me, due to his consistent late and long hours at work (i really did not know if it was work or his escaping from me).

james would focused all his attention and time in his school work. where i could, i helped him count marks, add marks, vet his scripts, vet his slides, give comments on his lesson plans, etc etc etc.

being a perfectionist, james would set himself standards that no normal person would ever set. as a result, he got himself drawn further and further into his work. he would toll from 5 plus in the morning to past midnight. sometimes he would work overnight. noting that his work had begun to affect his health, i tried talking to him to manage it better and to give himself more rest. he would not. with him being so engrossed (obsessed with his work), even thru the weekends, the slow process of being neglected emotionally kicked in.

i called that obsession
he called it passion
fine line

to me, it was passion to a certain point. but i called it obsession when it took it's toll of his health, his ability to interact with me, his refusal for food, his perfectionist approach towards getting very single bit of colour, font, etc `correct' for his slides. also, being a teacher-in-charge of editorial board of the school, he took it upon himself to do the design, the editing, etc. he would get angry when i suggested letting the students take charge. he would accuse me of not being supportive. my suggestions would, over time, began to become accusations of being unsupportive to him over time.

it was a pressure he had exerted on himself cos he felt the need to perform. given that he is a govt scholar, he said that he wanted to prove himself in the education field in general and in the gifted programme teacher fraternity, more specifically. the annual pattern of a typical school teacher began to set in. only that during jun holidays, he would be engrossed with cca and dec holidays, he would be engrossed in meetings and preparation for the following year.

our holidays began to get very short and very planned/ deliberate. nothing was spontaneous anymore. our lives began to revolve around his schoolwork. our routines began to set in, i eventually became his nanny, father, mother, maid etc.

to make matters worst, he would keep to himself, mix with his group of friends, avoid my friends (for reasons that they are not his frequency). and with this refusal to widen our common space, our gap began to widen.

our third year was an uneventful one. but it was to become the pattern for our 4th 5th and 6th year. until i decided to call it off.

james & i - second year

left the service in jan 00
was unemployed for 4 months
life was not easy, every cent counts
james had, by then, started his pgde in nie
he a stable income from his scholarship and from tuition
he helped out in our family income

thing improved somewhat when i found a job in sia cargo
but finances were still tight
my workplace politics was terrible
especially when i had a totally fucked up boss - chong hoi peng
single unmarried female
always in her mood swings
she would always pick on every little things i do
what i did rite was to her credit
what i fumbled was my own fault
it was open screwing in front of everybody
even in open forums and meetings

thru these times where i was trying to find my new balance in civilian worklife
james stayed by me
he was my strength
we began building our `family'
he wanted a dog
lester's bitch - coco - gave birth to a litter of 8 (one died)
we ended up with one of the puppies as a result
james named her sapphie - after saphos - a greek lesbian or something to that effect

perhaps it was due to my previous work experience
where i could not talk abt my work lest i risk being charged with osa
i was never at ease talking abt work or anything related to work
this created huge tensions with james
my time spent with james at theatres, dramas, shows etc
allowed me to focus on all these events instead of talking about work
throughout period, what i did was share my perspective
it didn't go well with james
i could not express things from a literary angle
it was a great source of frustrations for james
it hit a point where, on our way home from a performance along xilin ave,
feeling flabbergasted at heading nowhere in our conversation, he shouted:
"i do not think i can ever engage you in a literary discussion!"

that was one of the first signs of cracks in our relationship

it was made worst by the differences we held in life's values
reflecting, it was perhaps due to our age difference
for example, our attitude to savings
- for me, i would set aside a part of my salary for savings and spend the rest
- he argued that one should spent all he needs and save what is remaining
i just could not convince him my point of view without sounding condescending

our differences began to show in almost every aspects of lifestyle
i was the neater person between us
he was the untidy one
he could not understand why i got flustered weekly due to housework
he could not understand why i had not just spend some money to employ a maid
i had made my efforts to know his friends
but to him, he felt he could not engage my friends in a sufficiently intellectual discussion
he kept his distance - no point doing something if he did not like it

this attitude reflected our difference in the manner and approach to solving problems
it was different from the start

the imbalance in our attitudes to our lifestyle, people in our lives started to show

it eventually hit a point where it impacted our relationship
despite these differences
we convinced ourselves in our own ways that we can keep it going
we adapted to one another's person's idiosyncracies
we wanted to make it work

by this time, james had completed his nie pgde course
he was sent to a neighbourhood school to teach in the normal tech stream
that was a period of high stress for him stressful for that fact that not only was the students beyond control james also felt that it was not intellectually challenging for him
perhaps he had felt that as a scholar it would not do him any good to continue this way
he established contact with the gifted programme co-ordinator in moe and finally manoeuvre his way out of the school to another school as a gifted programme teacher

this went well with him but it took a toll on our relationship and that would eventually kill it

to our friends we were the ideal couple
i actually thought, and i think james too, thought we were
fine line between escapism/ denial and reality
we had made all efforts to keep together
we began to expose each other to our families
our coexistence became an inseparable fact to my family
for his family
i was his landlord
i remained so for the next few years

our routine of holidaying together at least once a year carried on
it was britain this time round

that capped our second year together

james & i - first year

decided to commit to a relationship after several failed attempts
and feelings of extreme `jaded-ness'
told myself that if there was anyone who could ever give me a chance in life was me myself
james, happened to be at the rite place and the rite time
he was there for me when i needed someone

after deciding to a relationship with james
i opened myself up totally to him
he was my first, and i guess i was naive

expressed my fears of being 10 years his senior
took the risk of being with someone in my same set-up
decided to take the chance for simple reason that i had applied to leave my line
more importantly, this was someone whom i really believe can make me happy
i am really attracted to him, physically, intellectually and i could feel an emotional connection
he came across as mature for his age and was able to relate to me
my only tension was that i was 10 years older than him
he assured me it's no issue

i spoilt him from the very start
fetched him to and from work
`smuggled' him out of workplace
`coincidental' meetings while he was on his way out
when he was restricted from leaving, i bought him kaya fuilette, tuna, etc from petrol kiosk
when he was let off, we would spent all our time together

our first dinner - zicha store at bedok simpang
kiam chye soup, egg omelette... simple fare, but did not know till much later that he hated it
nonetheless, i took it upon myself to provide for him
his needs, be his chaffeur, gave excuses to drive him to heeren
where he would spend his time listening to songs, cds
first year was filled with plays, cds, heeren, writing and vetting his reviews, inkpot
kenneth, matt, jo, then lawrence
all his close friends
then it was daniel, shyam, his camp mates and his friend's friends, wee thye, eugene, john, etc
venom, dance, drag queens, leroy, kumar
felt out of place initially, but eventually got used to it
changed my habits, changed my choice of songs, changed from 933 to 980, 987, 950
started listening to belle and sebastian, alanis, bjork... (still hate her songs!)
care free days where i could hang out with him at bars and discos
but that was to end after he got into nie

some of his bad habits - phone beepings, non-stop smses
took it in stride
convinced myself that to love someone, i will have to accept all his faults
convinced myself that i have to change my tastes - in food, in music
to attend plays, performances,
to appreciate shakespeare
to appreciate theatre
convinced myself that i will have to change to suit him
to show him i love him
took it upon myself to change for him
found myself liking it eventually and embraced it naturally
reinforced my believe that i could change for someone one i loved so dearly

perhaps i was stupid, naive
but it was something i really believe i should do
i loved him

he moved in with me
he eventually ORDed
we went for our first holiday together in japan
that was the start of our annual routine of holiday overseas at least once a year

he started giving tuition and started preparing for his pgde

it was during one of our night outing to heeren that we got into the wrong side of the law
he folded the car park coupon instead of tearing it
when we returned
the mak cik was there
was charged in court for that mistake
took the blame for him
cannot afford to spoil his future
asked jason's sis to help out
delayed the sentencing till i leave my set-up

that was our first year

james & i - the beginning

it was late 98 when i first met james. he was posted to my unit after his uni studies and was posted to my operations branch. i first caught sight of him when he walked pass my office. at that time, i didn't know which department he was from but i would constantly keep a look out for him.

i was attracted to him but did not dare show it. i was conscious of my status, and more importantly, i knew it wasn't right to show any personal likings to any specific individual at the workplace, particularly when the workplace was that of a military camp and where homosexuality was not accepted. but that did not stop me from keeping a look out for him. during our regular twice weekly runs, i would steal glances at him. but i was discreet about it.

one fine day, together with my colleage, i garnered my courage and spoke to james. acting all macho shit and making sure i do not come across as pecha, i asked in a most straight faced manner if he ran often and that i noted he was a good runner. he told me he was downgraded due to his dislocated shoulder. the conversation went everywhere and ended with me asking him to take care of himself. that was my first contact with james.

fast forward, feb 99. i met james at taboo during chinese new year. he was there with daniel, a recce trooper who had been downgraded and with whom james got rather close to. kinda felt awkward when we met, yet i was pleased. pleased for that fact that i had outed myself to him and that i have nothing more to hide from him. we carried on at work respecting each other's privacy. i were to later find out from him that he had a crush on me and that he would wait for me in his bunk to see me come to work. nonetheless, we kept our distance. whatever attraction there was, we did not show.

early-99 was a difficult period for me relationship-wise. i had gone through a couple of one-side "relationships". and during that period, i had gotten to know amos. it was probably the first one where there were mutual interest and he stayed over numerous weekends. but in may 99, he told me he couldn't proceed with this "affair" further. he decided to give me up as he couldn't reconcile his sexuality with his religion. and that was it. it was painful and but he had wanted to be with his god. i gave him my blessing. that was 10 may 1999.

i had gone to chill out and to nurse my heart break at taboo on 22 may 99 with my friends. and it was there that i saw james again. i recalled he was with his friend (another of his camp mate) at the corner and he saw me too. we didn't speak through the night but we continued to glance at each other throughout the night. that night, i stayed back late after my friends left and went up to talk to him. i was to find out that he too had stayed back late to wait for me. we spoke and i suggested going to marina park for a walk. he took my car. it was a very nice evening (or rather, morning) drive.

and that was it. we had our first kiss on the bench in marina park.

it was surreal

i was uncertain

i was scared

he was 10 years my junior

i was 33, he was 23

but i told myself, i have to give myself a chance

despite the worries that he may be too young and that i may be in for a difficult ride

our relationship lasted 6.5 years

it ended on 1 nov 2005.

this world can do with a bit more understanding

as i read the Straits Times forum today, i cannot but feel a very strong sense of homophobia in the tone of Johnathon Cheng Hern Sinn who wrote in about homosexuals. with the few lines, he has sweepingly branded all homosexuals as promiscuous, immoral etc, alluded that the acceptance of homosexuals means rampant pornography in neighbourhoods, crime rate will increase and that the city will no longer be clean. what rubbish. line of thought totally warped. nothing is going to change the fact that regardless of whether the city legalise homosexuality or not, there was, is and will always be a sizeable number of homosexual singaporeans.

too many assumptions and strong sense of homophobia in his letter.

just too tired to even try to convince people like him that homosexuals are normal people, just like him. i am born this way, i have loved men since as long as i can ever remember and nothing can change this fact. i am really tired of all these homophobia shit. i cannot imagine how Johnathon Cheng will react if one or more of his son/s turn out gay.

i just want to live my life peacefully, just like everyone else including Johnathon Cheng and his family. i don't cross your path, do please leave mine alone.

loving andy

not too sure how to write or express myself here. have some friends who know andy and they have told me that he is a really nice person. not too sure why, but when i heard of that, i felt really happy for James. really happy that someone nice and caring is looking after James. and although i felt a li'l jealous for the fact that they are together, i also found myself wishing that James is also loving andy unreservedly.

i somehow sense that James has learnt to be more open and expressive. it somehow made me feel somewhat sore for the fact that what i had waited for for 7 years is now being expressed and enjoyed by another person. then again, there's really no point feeling this way.

as at this current moment, they are having their week-long holiday in beijing. very naturally, i found myself, sms-ing James the few very nice places that i am sure he would like to go... foot massages, great wall of china, beijing opera experience, etc. kinda weird to be experiencing a whole lot of different feelings at the same time... feelings of jealousy, happiness, disappointment, sadness, etc. and also the worry that James' might overexert himself given that he just had his appendicitis op 2 weeks ago.

James will be coming home and starting his new job. there will be new challenges, new people, new dynamics, new things to learn, new demands. i am confident he can manage, but i hope it will not take his time and attention away from andy. i wish James well in his new job.

a lot of truth in the saying - if you love someone let him go... yet this is very hard to do.

enjoy beijing my dear.