Reframing - Grateful

There’s a lot of bitterness over the break up and I’ve been struggling to get over things. 

The bitterness arose when I thought through all those things I had done for him and supported him over the years - through his settling down in Singapore, his several career changes over the years and contributed to his growth to what he is today. I have my quirks and I am not the best person at times, especially over the last 2 years as I navigated my choices post-COVID. Nonetheless, I’m not going to beat myself over being so as I am only human and I have my own challenges to manage. I myself needed support when things get tough. I guess it’s not something he is willing to commit to and that compounded my sense of bitterness.

I’ve been having insomnia and drowning myself with TikTok and Instagram posts that speak about moving on and how to live better moving forward. And what resonates with me is the need to practice self-love and to look ahead. Also, the need to let go of the past and not focus on what could have been. So, I am reframing a lot of my bitterness to help me move on. Here’s a start. I am thankful to him for:

• Giving me a sense of purpose in life again after my mum’s passing
• Discovering the extent of what I can do when I love someone - eg driving to Penang to pick him when he’s down with COVID
• Helping out with the household expenses and chores when needed
• Introducing me to his friends and his family, something he has never done before
• Keeping by my side during the COVID lockdown and keeping me sane as we struggled through the dark period
• Helping with little gestures such as cleaning my ears when it’s itchy 
• Being the most ardent fan of my cooking (and I love cooking); and above all,
• Allowing me to be part of his life over the last 7 years, especially during the times when he struggled with his father's passing

Our journey together has kept me alive and well; and given me something to look forward to. Till today, I still get a lump in my throat and emotional when I see him after a few days of absence. But I need to let all these go. I will need to re-find myself and redefine what my life's purpose is as I chart along. I need to learn to focus on my self now, something that I had forsaken over the time we were together.

The End

This post captures the end of my third relationship. It happened quite abruptly last week and I had alluded to it in an earlier posting. I supposed all good things must come to an end. No use lamenting over what could have been.

So last week, after several days of seeing him so distracted, I asked him what’s troubling him and how I might help as we prepare to sleep. That’s when all his thoughts came out. And he said that the disconnect started last year and have build to a point where he finds it hard to even want to spend time with me, and that I stand in his way of spending time doing things he likes. 

I asked him simply, do you want to carry on and if you do, let’s agree on what we must both work on, state our needs and expectations; and if you don’t, let’s just break it off. He chose the latter. I replied ok, and if that’s the case, there’s nothing more to talk about. And that was it. I won’t beg nor will I even ask for him to reconsider. I don’t want to be the source of his unhappiness.

And so, over the last week, he moved into the study room. He asked for time to find a place. It has not been easy for me given the suddenness. I have since been avoiding any interactions with him, choosing to leave the house whenever he is around and coming home late. Avoiding him helps me get some sense of sanity, pick myself up and move forward.

Will need to find my self all over again. Not a comfortable position to be in but it’s the only way ahead.

I am not god

I have a real story to share.

• I have known this person for a long while
• He was a devout person (to his religion and god)
• He was diagnosed with cancer 2 years back and his health deteriorated over time
• The last time I met him 2 months back he was already bedridden
• He told me he resented and had given up on his god for cursing him with such a disease
• Nonetheless, through this difficult period, his wife continued to do the necessary rituals of praying and blessing him daily
• She held strongly that god’s love is unconditional and whatever is happening is fated and that he must walk this path as destined
• He passed away last week
• His family gave him a good religious funeral and continued having deep faith that his god will continue to guide and love him

I see strong parallels in this story to us human relationships. The only exception is that for us, both are humans and, unconditional and altruistic love is just not possible between two persons. 

For humans, both parties must put in the effort to give and to support as both parties will go through their own lives and navigate life’s ups and downs - that is what through thick and thin means. And if any one party stop doing that, things will not work out.

Do I make sense?

New start

The world look and feel different today…

Random Nothings

Well, have felt the urge to blog lately but on the other hand, have also realised I've somewhat lost the momentum to do so... and today, I am feeling somewhat off and thought it might be good to write something. So, here're some points top of my mind:

• I have invested much energies in coaching and have clocked about 40% of the 100 hours needed for my accreditation. Nonetheless, I still need to take a final module and submit 3 recordings as evidence for my coaching. Will need to continue getting clients for me to practice my coaching. It's been a good journey thus far and I have learned much along the way. And I must say that I am getting pretty good at learning how to detach myself from my client's issues.

• I have had, on at least 3 occasions, clients who broke down halfway through the coaching conversations. When it first occurred, I was somewhat unprepared for it, but over time, I am better prepared and am now a tat better at managing such emotions when it occurs. I am grateful for the trust my clients gave to me when they opened up their thoughts and I am also thankful for them for providing me with the opportunity to partner them in their life's journey. 

• Talking about coachees, I have been pleasantly surprised by some old colleagues (from my previous previous employments over a decade ago) who reached out to me - asking if I am keen to coach them/ their spouses. I am thankful for their support and I believed I must have done something right all these years for them to remember me and to now reach out to me so readily, and allowing me to help them (and for them to help me clock my hours too).

• Had just returned from Hangzhou and Shanghai earlier this week. It was a short but a good trip, especially the weather. It's been crazy warm in Singapore and walking out of the public transport feels like having the aircon vent suddenly bursting into your face! So, despite drizzling half the days I was there, the 12-16C weather in China worked perfectly for me. Apart from that, I also realised that I had forgotten almost everything about Hangzhou and Shanghai since my last visit about 2 decades ago. So, yeah, I kinda enjoyed the trip.

•  Have received updates on and off about the condition of an ex-colleague who suffered from cancer and this morning, received news that he had passed away. Didn't come as a surprise given the increased frequency of updates I got lately. Nonetheless, the news of his passing still made me feel sad. But certainly, it reminded me again that we all walk the same path and sooner or later, everyone of us have to go. So, in a way, I felt happy for him that he had arrived earlier than me.

• Recently, for some reasons, the blog post about my mum's passing was visited by several of my blog readers. I knew about this as it trended in my blog stats. So I took the opportunity to re-read the posts about the final moments before her passing and the immediate few days after that. As I read the details, I realised that despite the 8-9 years, the emotions can still be quite raw. 

• I have been out of work for about 4 months and during this period, I have focused much of my time on coaching. Admittedly, thoughts of whether this is the right path to take did crossed my mind numerous times. And when such thoughts crossed my mind, I do reminded myself of my life now. I supposed such self-doubts are common and I just need to NOT be too harsh on myself and give myself the space to just take things slow, for once in my life. 

• I have been watching clips from instagram and TikTok lately and for some reasons, I keep getting news that I am highly uncomfortable with, politics - local and overseas, wars and tensions, quarrels, etc... you kinda get the drift. I am especially uncomfortable some who complain about anything and everything under the sun and attribute them to the government. If these people have so much complains about their life here, they might as well just migrate and go to another country.

Ok, think I have written enough for now... just wanna write something and get some stuff off my chest. Too much negativities and am just feeling quite down currently. 

Let's hope tomorrow will be better.