cultural insensitivity

a friend forwarded me a review featured in financial times. it is about the author's experience in china and how he sensemake the current reality of china and it's boom. apparently, he couldn't make sense of how shops in his country could afford to sell 5-pack underwears for nz$10 each and how he sets off this journey to china to find out. simple straight forward review. but wat caught my eyes was the picture of the book that showed an underwear that had been photoshopped to look like the chinese national flag. i found it very offensive. and my first reaction was - these ang mos... totally oblivious of the taboos regarding underwears in the chinese culture and the sacred status the chinese accord their national flag.

well, won't be surprised if this is picked up by some chinese netizens and the issue become politicised. certainly hope not. but we'll see... if you ask me, it is no different from how some muslims get angry when their religion get depicted in a manner deemed disrespectful by muslims.

won't go home without you

there's been quite a few nice songs of late. decide to built up this list. for a start - won't go home without you by maroon 5. nice.

neighbour chronicles

found it very weird. well, it's abt our gay neighbours again. after all the tensions and the eventual acknowledgment, it's back to cold war. and this time round, i simply do not understand the sudden change in the behaviour.

you see, recently, i have noticed they were somehow kinda cold towards our presence. so, earlier this week, i suggested to bee bee to wave at them and try to make contact. he tried (waving to the younger of the two) but was not met with any response despite very clear indications that he saw the waving. thought this was so weird. so thinking that the younger one was shy, i tried a couple of days later waving at the older one. again no response. bee bee said that they are trying to avoid us but i found it hard to believe. and what i noticed today somehow made me believe bee bee.

returned from the arts fest performance. went to the kitchen to get a drink. the younger one came into their kitchen (that overlook into ours) and i noticed that once he saw me, he quickly walked back into his living room. cannot comprehend his reaction. felt a bit offended i must say. anyway, think i'll just screw the whole idea of wanting to get to know them. if it happens, it happens. if not, so be it.

ah soh goes to arts fest

was at the singapore river earlier with my nieces to watch the arts fest opening ceremony. it was thronged with people! the performance `water fools' was staged by a group of french street performers. by the time we reached there (about 8pm), it was already quite impossible to get a good unblocked view of the water stage.

anyway, the performance started and for a long while nobody knew what was happening. as we were standing on the parliament house side of the river, we had the spotlights shining directly into our eyes... so it wasn't surprising that people started getting agitated and babies started crying and la la la... not a very pleasant experience at all. anyway, we quickly changed our spot and made our way closer to the indo chine restaurant area where we could get a better view of the performance. it was here that we experienced some interesting stuff...

halfway through the performance, the ah soh standing beside me started talking to her daughter... and she said - aiyah, mm zhai kuah see mi la... (terrible, i do not know what the f&#^*&^ i am watching). and she soon left. not long after, an indian tourist family (from india of course) came along and took the ah soh's spot... they seemed engrossed in the performance. about 15min later, the husband asked another stranger (a well groomed tai tai) standing beside him (in very strong yyindian accent) - eh... excuse me, i have been vatching for a vhile but i do not understand vhat is happening... can you help explain to me?... equally interesting was the reply - ah... i oso donno lei... the whole episode was rather funny. and of cos yours truly me kept most quiet as i did not want to end up having the husband asking me the same question... cos i also didn't know what was happening!

but well, as per all singaporeans, everybody started cheering and shouting when the fireworks came on and the evening ended with everybody feeling happy. not becos of the performance. but becos of the fireworks.

:-)

unruly jap tourists

brought my nieces out for dinner earlier at central. thought the ramen was nice and that i should brfing them there to try. glad they enjoyed it. and after that we went for a walk around the clarke quay area. it was one japanese shop after another and they were rather intrigue by the fact that we actually have a couple of japanese supermarkets there... of which the one at novotel was the biggest.

in the supermarket, we chanced upon a group of 15-20 japanese school boys - no more than 15 or 16 years old. think they were on a school field trip of sorts. the way they behaved... it was so bloody thuggish. they were literally running around the supermarket, creating a din, talking loudly, chasing each other around the supermarket at times. this was made worst by their `hip-hop gone wrong sloppy dressing' coupled with long messy wiry hair... anyway, i could sense my nieces' discomfort with these people. to ease their tension, i asked them about their views of these school boys. they were quick to point out very politely that they were `so different' from singapore school boys and admitted that they were rather intimidated by their presence and unruly behaviour.

perhaps it was a cultural thing or perhaps it was just pure manners (or the lack of it) that kinda pissed people off. could see that many people were staring at the school boys... locals and japanese expats alike... then again, i guessed they were just living their age. anyway, we quickly left the place and made our way to singapore river to watch the arts fest performance.

selling waffles

was at the expo earlier to help bee bee and ice cream james sell waffles. they have manage to secure a lot at the food fair there and it was certainly an interesting experience for me. interesting cos the last time i did any such sales was when i was waiting for my enlistment into ns when i helped my uncle run his chup huay tiam at marine drive beside liberty theatre (omg! that was like 23 years ago!)... i remembered selling drinks and kwa chee and lots of other kiam sng tee (preserved pickled fruits) to people watching shows at liberty. and how i had helped my uncle wrap hampers for sale, la la la... well, that would be another story...

ok, back to expo. i was helping out at the store by scooping chocolate. straight forward and brainless task. but it was really interesting as there were so many people. and of cos, my gaydar was working overtime too! there were sprinkling of gaymen here and there and once a while, it was rather obvious to see them come up to the store, hand around, pretend to look at waffles... buy one or two... and all the while keep staring at bee bee :-) and oh, managed to meet a couple of my long lost friends too - both straight and aj ones.

and there is one thing i conclude - altho frontline job is very fun and you get to meet lots and lots of people, i do not think it is something i would like to pursue in the long term. perhaps, if i should ever go into business, i'll probably enjoy managing the business more than being at the frontline.

goldfishes

bought 8 goldfishes this morning from the market with bee. starting an aquarium in the home. it's been more than 25 years since i last kept goldfishes. used to do it when i was in sec 1 and 2. remembered keeping 2 goldfishes. had them when they were no more than 3cm long and over 2 years plus, they grew to a huge 10cm pluse size. and they were really fat too!

starting a new aquarium does bring back a lot of memories!

let's see if i should give them names... ha! anyway, after putting the fishes into the aquarium, i noted that sapphie didn't seemed to be able to see them... her expression is no different from when she looks into the tv screen or when she looks into a mirror, i.e. blank... always wonder if dogs can see through glasses...

:-)

indie

very entertaining show. but somehow it lacked the special `indie' feel so characteristic of those earlier versions. nonetheless, i enjoyed it.

:-)

tgif

not too sure why, despite this short 4-day week, i still feel so exhausted. and i am so glad friday is finally here! promised myself i am going to really enjoy myself this weekend. must catch a couple of shows...

racist post

read the post by this person who called himself fragrance prince (yes - !!!). professed to be straight but to people in the know, he is a real screaming queen. anyway, i felt rather angry after reading his superbly incendiary (i chose to use this term as it burns!) posts about malays and also his very low posts about people he doesn't like. reflects more on him than the subjects of his posts.

same as many other netizens, i felt agitated and angered by his posts. by his attitude that really screams character flaw, i also sensed that as a community, there is a heightened degree of solidarity. a higher degree of awareness of the sensitivity and perhaps (this, i am not too sure) a higher degree of acceptance and respect. and all the blogs that i visit that condemns such blogs are mostly from chinese singaporeans. and i really think these are signs of the society maturing.

looking at it from this angle, i see promise in the future of the society. it is a good sign.

:-)

graduation interview

got a call from nie earlier on telling me that they have scheduled an interview for me in the first week of june as part of my graduation. well, shall not say too much abt it except that this is something i did not expect totally and if i do get it, it will really be an icing on top of the cake.

let's see how things goes. nothing to lose anyway.

:-)

three steps & a bow

been observing the three steps one bow observance ceremony for the last 17-18 years or so for vesak at the bright hill temple. made a commitment to myself that i would do this on a regular basis if i do well for my undergrad degree in 1990/91. and i have been participating in this ever since. it requires one to take three steps, prostrates on the ground and the process was repeated as one walks around the perimeter of the temple. at the end of the procession, devotees would come face to face with a statue of the buddha that serves to remind them of his teachings. a monk would also be present to sprinkle holy water onto devotees as a form of blessing. in all, the process would take about 2 - 2.5 hours. during the process, one would chant the sutra. the repetitive nature of the steps and bows somehow help one focus on specific thoughts. this also helps one enter into a meditative state and one would naturally feel a lot clearer in thoughts by the end of the whole ceremony. there was once or twice in previous years where i felt so overwhelmed i almost burst into tears when i saw the buddha at the end of the 2.5hrs.

this year, it was also kinda fun cos apart from bee, we had a group of friends with us. both schneider and damien were there and so was kok leong, his sister and his niece. and as usual the place had quite a few gay men and the whole atmosphere was kinda interesting - somewhat religious and yet within this religiosity was the cruisy feel. ya, i know, sacrilegious. but well, that had been the case especially in recent years. perhaps, next year, i should organize a gay contingent! heh... and yes this year, as per every year, there was a lot of little tidbits that made the whole event interesting. these include...

• there was this auntie that keeps kicking into people when she prostrate and often you'll hear her utter 'oh, sorry sorry...' and then she would take the three steps, and as she prostrate, she would again go 'oh, sorry sorry...' funny...

• also, there would be the usual singaporean auntie behaviour of wanting to push forward - either by taking super huge 3 steps or taking 4, 5, 6 or even 7, 8 steps, so that they can reach end point first. sometimes, these aunties really look funny as they remind me of the road runner - beep beep!!!.... we were joking that perhaps there was a lucky draw or a goodie bag at the end to grab and she didn't want to loose out.

• there was also the usual squeeze (like an accordion) where at certain stretches, one could not possibly prostrate becos everyone would squeeze together. this would happen whenever there was a bend or when there was an uphill that forces people at the base of the slope to slow down and end up squeezing people behind.
  

• there was also the occasional incidents that would break one's meditative state of mind such as little boys who would play catching and run in between devotees, aunties in subsequent groups talking and laughing at the top of the voice while waiting for the procession to start.

• and of cos to top it off, after prostrating for so many umpteen times, everyone's t-shirts would be stretched upwards and it was really butt-crack galore! i would probably the last person on this planet to achieve nirvana as i couldn't help but noticed butt-cracks all over! some were really such a turn off! and for some, you can literally throw coins into it like you would a donation box!

well, we eventually ended at about 2.30am and by the time we got home and retire, it was close to 4am... one more down. looking forward to next year's event. and oh, am really thinking if i should get baptized into buddhism. been thinking for the past many many years but somehow did not get about doing it.

pseudonyms

i remember blogging abt pseudonyms sometime back in my fridae account. anyway, pseudonyms are something that most of us use in order to mask our real self, for whatever reasons - protect ourselves, protect our family, protect... whatever. even i myself have used another name for myself, and on top of that, adopt a pseudo-persona... well, ok, for me, not a pseudo-persona per se. but rather, a persona of my own self, but 5 years back in time. you see, growing up gay was not easy. and up till when i came out at age 30, i had hung around at gay cruising places and would introduce myself as terence and in order not to lie (it's against my value system i guess), terence would be me, me as in the me that lived 5 years earlier. and it was all true. but in a way, i was also living a dual life. something that i had to juggle between my day `straight' self and my night gay self. after coming out at 30, i started to use my own name when i introduce myself. enough of living a dual life.

anyway, one key reason why i am reflecting on all these was becos i had recently got to know a friend during my weekly tanning sessions. i had seen him, and he me, for a very long time. and somehow, we never spoke. on my part, it was just not me to speak to strangers. not to mention speaking to someone at that tanning place. feels kinda weird, kinda dodgy... well... anyway, recently, i decided that i had enough of it and decided that i should try to make a friend out of him. well... he introduced himself as ryan. we exchanged numbers and had since smsed each other once a while. and ryan became my friend. and ryan he was. until today.

met ryan again yesterday and we had a very good chat. we chatted about life, about views of life... about things in general. and somehow the topic drifted to bfs. through the conversation, found out that his bf is in the same line as my bee. i was curious to know more of him. thought he was a very nice person and very easy to talk to. but decided not to push further. anyway today, found out that his bf also knows a good friend of ours. our conversation through the sms led him to eventually reveal his real name to me. and he apologized to me. hoping that i wouldn't take offense. for a short while, i realized that this friend, whom i have come to be able to chat so well with has all along been only a pseudo-friend. not a real friend.

i had quite a few thoughts about this whole issue. i understood why he had used a pseudonym. no, i didn't feel offended. i am sure he had his reasons for using another name. just like i did many years back. and in fact, i felt kinda glad. glad that i had won his trust to share his real name with me. and very happy that i had finally made a real friend. and that i can get to know more of this real person in time to come.

:-)

discharged

my dad had just been discharged. cgh never fail to amaze me with their superbly high levels of inefficiencies when it comes to discharging patients. as usual, was told to pick my dad up at 12pm. expected things to be delayed and went there at about 12.45pm.

in the end, he did not get discharged until 3plus! anyway, i had half expected it, considering i had once waited till close to 4pm. unlike the last experience, i was not impatient nor angry this time round. so i hung around the nurse's station and stare at her (let's call her nurse cheena - yup, she's from china) as she went about her paper work (she actually looked very busy but on closer look she was merely sticking those patient names that had been printed onto stickers onto the hospital blank forms and some basic filing). well... she went about her work as tho nothing was wrong. occasionally, she would look up and would notice my stares. by about 2.15pm, she told me that the discharge documents should be ready by 2.30pm. 2.30 pm came and went... nothing happened. and at about 2.45pm another nurse ran into the ward and asked whether my dad had been discharge, to which nurse cheena replied - aiyah, they still doing the document la. and she continued with her sticking & filing.

i then walked to the admin station and look around the table. true enough, i noted that my dad's file was there. i suspect it had been there for quick a while for it was at the bottom of the pile. really thought that things would have moved faster if the person who left the file there had called nurse cheena! such simple logic and a well established hospital like cgh cannot even get it right! think about it, even the zi char stores has the process of prompting the servers sorted out so well!

so, i stood there and waited to see how long it would be before nurse cheena comes along. i think nurse cheena sensed my movement for she came up to the admin station at about 3pm. nurse cheena looked at me, saw me staring at my dad's file, hurriedly took it and then went to the room (presumably to ensure all the documents had been filed properly) and within 10mins called me.

all in all, the discharge process took less than 5min.

such inefficiencies... seemed like cgh is well known for it, judging the response i get from people i know who had had their kins stayed there before.

botak again, naturally

went for my hair cut just now. my regular hair dresser was on leave today. so decided to get the salon owner to cut for me. not my favourite cos she lacks the detailedness in her cutting skills. true enough, i walked out of the saloon with a jagged outline head! angry. happened before and had expected it to happen. true enough. anyway, spared no time coming home and using my own hair cutter to smoothen out things. i definitely look better now.

well, feels so good being botak now... after the many days of sticky and messy hair. certainly a refreshing change and definitely more cooling feel too!

:-)

botak

every year nearing vesak, i would cut my hair short. well, not the usual short, i mean, short, short... near bald-short. and i cut my hair short becos it's a personal commitment. it is symbolic and a way to show my commitment to renounce worldly desires... and every time after cutting my hair, i would think i look really weird. and i get conscious of my own looks when i face people. i would imagine people staring at me. it was an awkward feeling. and my thoughts would be reinforced and made worst when friends and colleagues actually come up to me and ask `what happened?'. not very nice.

so every year when vesak day draws close, i would look at my hair and wonder if should cut it. and just like a drill, i would reflect on it and tell myself that the fact that i am asking abt it shows the vanity in me and this in itself is against the buddhist principle of non-attachment. and when i think it this way, i get even more resolved to want to cut my hair. and as for being able to fully renounce worldly desires, hmmmm.... a long, very very long way for me to be able to truly achieve it. but, it's a start.

and yes, the devil and angel in me is again debating about about cutting my hair again these few days.

:-)

5.30pm & 8.00pm

whenever i use a time as my blog title, it means my dad has had a fall again. and yes, today, he fell down twice. my mum only called me at abt 7.50pm to tell me he had a fall earlier and that he still felt giddy. she had to cut short her conversation with me as my dad had called out to her to assist him to the toilet. i was then on my way home after fetching bee. and when i called her again, she told me he had fallen down again. this time round, he couldn't get and she only managed to pull him up to sit by the bed.

i decided that i should call the ambulance.

when i reached home, the ambulance had arrived and that the medics were trying to stabilize him. they had found his blood sugar level extremely low and was feeding him with some sugar-rich drinks. he was subsequently evacuated to the hospital and has since been warded for further observations.

caricature

this was sketched by my sister jin :-)

5 cents

went to my usual hum-chin-paeng beh-huay-chi (butterfly) store this morning. bought 2 fritters and paid using coins. amongst the coins were 6 x 5 cents. the lady owner shouted out to me and told me she would only accept at max 2 x 5 cents coins. i asked her why... for 5 cents is still money, legal tender. and she told me, ya, no doubt, but there are many people out there who certainly do not see the 5 cent coins as money and would not accept them, even as loose change. she went to to say that these people are weird and unreasonable.

and there i was, thinking... half wanting to laugh... for with that one statement, she has also branded herself weird and unreasonable. ah well...

let's play

recieved this email from a friend about a new video produced to promote sports amongst singaporeans. message of this effort seemed to be something about `you don't have to play sports to enjoy it'. and i must say that altho it was produced from a sports angle, such clips often has pulls one's heartstrings and strengthens one's pride as a singaporean... well, at least for me...

overall, a good production altho i must say it seemed rather surreal to see uncles jumping and waving t-shirts like some teenagers at coffee shops. it kinda miss the point altogether when one realise that the possible reason why uncles are jumping for joy is becos they have betted on the game... (read - promote gambling as a lifestyle)

i also like the way they package the production. but i am still wondering how the let's play theme is linked to `one does not need to play sports to enjoy it'. esp if it is to be linked (presumably) to healthy living... one can be a couch potato and watch football and enjoy it rite? :-) so much for sporting for life...

ok, ok... i have read too much into it... but well, perhaps i am a bit too critical or have nothing better to do...

time to loosen up and go play :-)

withdrawal syndrome

been two days since i released tortoise. and till now, whenever i open the kitchen door, sapphie would still run to the corner where tortoise used to hide and search for it. and after sniffing the corner for a while, she would whine a bit before making her way back to her pillow in the living room.

think sapphie misses tortoise.

interesting to see this little behaviour change in her!

releasing tortoise

finally released tortoise. decided to release it into the pond at the tanah merah industrial park. it was a rather huge pond and has a a good population of tortoises there. when i dropped tortoise into the pond, it took to the water like a fish, dived into it and swam off. moments later, tortoise surfaced, stared at me for a couple of seconds and dived into the algae-rich water again. soon enough, tortoise was swimming around with one other tortoise (about the same size...)

glad that tortoise has company now. then again, for a split moment, i wondered if they were of the same gender... hahahaha!

ent appointment

cleared of my nose problem this morning. had the scope inserted into my nose to check my sinus. told it was ok. everything is fine. case closed.

for now.

sleepless

had a bad night. sleepless. perhaps it was cos i was not feeling too good. made worst by my aching body after my physio. felt feverish. body was radiating heat. and whenever i doze off, i had nightmares.

me as a tortoise

trouble with job, cleared of name, quit job, find job, committed his life savings, all within one week. despite all the advise i gave. seemed like it was either not heeded or too late. struck me as impulsive. but well, not for me to say i guess. felt like i was nothing, not part of a whole. no use giving all the advise. not even worth being consulted. and nothing beat being made to feel you have been lied to again. regardless of the fact that i was only supposed to be told of the decision once things are settled. no. not my way, it's such a huge decision. i should be part of the process. keeping me out of the process would mean i was not worth the trust. and to find out the details from other people by accident was fucking depressing. the feelings i felt 3 years ago just flood back. it was superbly intense. feelings of depression. after all the trust placed and the concerns.

might as well... somehow, i hate the feeling that in the end, it is back to myself. the closest person do not seem to understand. it's things like this that make me built walls. walls around myself. for self-protection. just want to revert to my tortoise-self again. to retreat into my shell. no mood to engage or to talk to anyone. not for a while.

interesting day

was an interesting day by all accounts...

• interviewed by my boss for my annual appraisal. could see he was rather impressed by me and my work. also shared with him many left hand columns abt work, people at work (especially retired old emperor).

• had my first chat online with ming, a friend i got to know during my weekend tans and had found out he was an ex-navy officer. we have been able to click pretty well. lots of interesting stuff he shared with me about him and his relationships.

• first time i got a msg from thomas. he was also someone i met during my weekend tans but had seldom spoken. some kinda invisible distance. anyway, he had stayed away from tanning over the past few weeks as he was afraid of policemen. he had text me to see if things are ok and that the police do not harrass people.

• in the car, chatting with bee bee and failed to see a kerb. drove up the curb. ended up tyres out of alignment (i think). need to get it corrected.

• driving home after dropping bee bee home. nearing expo, my car began to feel super tight and wobbly. found a flat tyre and had to do a tyre change at the bus-stop. somemore in front of strangers... weird. but i passed with flying colours :-)

• and my neighbours again stayed extra long at his kitchen while talking on his handphone. anyway, i sensed he wanted to catch my attention. waved at him and i looked up. he did the same.

:-)

finally

finally, with our neighbours, it was a smile, a nod and a half wave yesterday. and today, again, it was a smile and a nod. well, at least that was a start. and bee bee has been rather amused by my reactions to this whole episode...

:-)

tortoise

last week, i caught a chick, a fish & a shrimp. this week, i caught a tortoise. if i were to go on at this pace, my house will become a zoo in no time...









and sapphie, as usual, is going crazy with this new friend!

:-)