Time's Not Up

False alarm... found out that the nerves of my dad's hands have been pressed by his ligaments and as a result, he has lost his sense of touch on both hands. Will need to undergo a minor op in the next week or so to correct it.

This episode had been quite a scare for all in the family too nonetheless. But it did give us a good reminder of the impermanence of life and that we should try to be prepared for things if and when it happens.

Superficiality

Some thoughts while updating my profile in Fridae:

- Is role that impt for gaymen? Why must it be a criterion for knowing another person or for that matter, to describe oneself? I am gay cos I choose to align my emotional attachment and sexual preference to another male and this has got nothing to do with me being top or bottom or flexi or whatever. This question irks me and reminded me of my interview by my security office sometime back when I was asked outright

- Are you top or bottom? I was totally irritated.

- Also, are physical attributes really so critical that it has to be placed right on top? Does this not further reiterated the superficiality of our community? How many of us GLBTs actually put up our real attributes?

For me, I do, but seriously, I know there are many who don't and many more who choose to send hearts/ etc based on physical attributes - superficial ya? Recalled doing an experiment myself and changing my attributes to someone who is of the RSAF type (no, not the uniform fetish ones but rather the Round Short And Fat type (as in really really fat, not rotund not stout) and guess what - my hearts received dropped to near zero... less those who send heart blindly. Sad right? Well, I guess this is the reality in life after all. And if superficial attributes are not included, there'll probably be no members subscribing to Fridae. Just one of sad those facts of life...

Is it time?

Recieved an sms from my sis yesterday telling me that my dad is in ICU and in critical condition. Miscomm. Turned out that he was referred to A&E and put on critical care unit pending further tests as he felt giddy and his hands and legs were numb.

Anyway, he'll be going thru a battery of tests later today. He was down with liver cirrhosis some 4 yrs back and had a very close brush with death. His recovery was some sort of a miracle as doctors were not optimistic about him pulling through then. With his recovery, the doctors were also not too optimistic and had told us that he will have at most 2 yrs more. It's been 4 yrs since and he has survived with that condition.

This morning, understand from my brother that some preliminary findings suggest that there might be a need to operate on his hand in order to let him feel again. Not too sure of details at this point in time. Will need to wait for the final test results. When I visited him, I took the opportunity to casually speak of death and managing his demise when it happens. A very light-hearted conversation in the presence of my sis and mum. But it certainly allowed him to reiterate some wishes (such as cremation, scattering of his ashes, etc).

Thought this is important so that there would be no squabbles amongst my siblings about managing things when he passes on. Anyway, things do not seem so bad when I saw him earlier. But this little scare did make me question if his time is finally up. I don't know, but if it is, I hope it will be a short one. Don't want him to suffer. Given his age, have been psycho-ing myself that the time will come.

But I guess when it happens, it will still be so hard to release the emotional strings.

Of Anniversaries and Epilepsy

6 months. 6 eventful months.

More than ever, I ask for blessings of strength and courage.

During my last check-up, my neuro consultant told me that the brain scan tests have been non-conclusive but seemed to look good. 2 more months of observations and if all goes well without any relapse, I'll be given a clean bill of health. For now, must still be careful and not subject myself to undue stress or I risk a relapse. To my friends - especially PEACE, thank you for sharing with me the fears and experiences, and to lawrence, monster, present, vk, pony, poohbear, ngog etc - thank you for being there. Your support have been most assuring.

And Ah Bee, Thank You.

Of Hearts, Kisses and Spanks in Fridae

Many of us who frequently log in to Fridae, sgboy etc have the habit of sending hearts, kisses and spanks... but I do seriously wonder how many of us actually think of why we are doing it.

The following are some reasons I can gather from my friends and I think it is rather interesting:

- So as to accumulate hearts/ kisses and spanks. Ultimately, the aim is to get as many hearts/ kisses and spanks as possible

- it's an ego thingy.

- To sincerely tell people they... (well - eg are cute, worth being a friend, has a nice character, has a nice profile and what have yous).

- To tell their friends in this oh-so-busy-world that "Hey, I am thinking of you!" (quick fix method without going through the challenge of thinking `alamak, what to say huh?' yet fulfilling the intention of telling they are being thought of! how convenient!)

- To signal to people that "HALO! I am watching/ monitoring your profile! Beware!" (again for whatever reasons, nice ones or otherwise - I am checking on your friend list, your diary entries, trying to understand your character, etc... or simply - I am watching you!)

- No reasons, just an instinct/ addiction or simply - too free, bored.- Or just simply self-gratification such as in the case of spanks - I don't like you! So I am spanking you! (which, if you ask me, is really v v sad!)

How about you?

Think about it...

:)

Of Immorality and Homophobes

Am at home surfing the net - oh, this is Friday evening... so, I'm home... naturally..

Anyway, was reading this little sentence from one of the forums and would just like to capture it here to share:"It's always socially more acceptable for a straight couple to do an immoral deed, then for a gay couple to find love."

How true... how true... Then again, I do question what the writer meant by `immoral' cos the word in itself is subjective and depends on the values each society believes in - and this, in itself is not constant. Thinking deeper, I guess it really boils down to just homophobia.On the other hand, I also think that we gay men (or for that matter GLBTs) tend to want to model and measure our way of managing relationship with that of the straight men's model - eg why put so much importance on this thing called `marriage', especially in the legal sense - isn't it just a piece of paper? Or for that matter, why is monogamy so valued? Is not not just a human concept/ construct? Are we, really, victims of our own creations? That perhaps, we, in the very first place, should not have tried to model ourselves and how we conduct relationships by using the straight mens' models.

I sometimes also ponder on the causes of a shift in social attitudes from that of acceptance to a high level of rejection towards homosocial behaviour from the times of ancient Greece till current. I am sure there are some sociologists/ anthropologists who might have some answers to it.

For me, well, I continue to ponder.

Of Hurricanes and Tornados

When I read about Katrina and Rita, I thought of my moments in Florida last year.

I was the fourth Singaporean to be stationed there. The period when my predecessors were there were pretty smooth and uneventful other than the usual reporting of business progress and negotiation details. However, during my stay, I had to content with a series of hurricanes (4 major ones I think) and even tornados.

I remembered Hurricanes Charlie, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne most of all. Life for me during that period was seriously tough and I missed home a lot a lot. While it was kinda exciting and full of anticipation for me in the beginning, I began to feel a sense of desperation and lost when the hurricane approached my house. We (my fellow comrades living in Hillsborough and its neighbouring counties) had to be evacuated in the end (mandatory evacuation for Charlie and voluntary evacuation for Jeanne) due to the strong possibility of a storm surge (which, if happened, would have drowned all of the town I stayed in). Orlando and Lakeland district had it bad as they experienced 3 out of the 4 major hurricanes that visited Florida state last year. Disneyland, for that matter, was closed for the first time in its history due to the hurricanes.

During the first hurricane, I, together with my friend's most loveable dog and a Thai officer, had to take refuge with the Thai officer's relatives in Hollywood, Miami in the hills. It was really scary cos we initially wanted to drive away from the storm but all roads and highways out of Florida were totally jammed as every father mother son daughter and what have you were trying to escape the impending storm. All major shopping centers, supermarkets and petrol kiosks (gas stations) were closed as all groceries were totally wiped off the shelves and petrol (gas) got sold out due to people stocking up their house as they go into hiding. As for us who were running away, we quickly got jammed on the highway and so we decided we would drive into the storm instead of driving away from it. We estimated that we would have enough time and that we would be able to reach Hollywood before the storm make landfall. We had to make our way fast cos the predicted path of the hurricane showed a direct hit at my estate and my office in the base. Even the whole base packed up and evacuated inland. It was a surreal drive as we made our way to Hollywood, Miami. The sky was pitch dark, electric wires started snapping, and for a certain 1-2hr stretch, I was driving in pitch dark at the Everglades. There was nothing in front of me except my high beam that shine into nothing and occasional streaks of lightning that covered the sky like spider web and the thought that we were on a tar road flanked by swamps in the middle of a huge gator swamp country was most unsettling. I swear to myself I would never want to experience this again as I drove into the darkness. That was my first experience with a hurricane - Hurricane Charley.

I experienced 3 more hurricanes subsequently and for 2 of them, I decided to take the emergency commercial flight out of Florida. I managed to book a seat in the last flight before the airport close. It was a flight to New York and I stayed there for 3 days before the airport opens again. For the only one that I did not run away (Hurricane Jeanne), I had electric wires snapping in front of me, people looting the shops and gas stations near my apartment, and all sorts of unsettling events happening around me. Admittedly, I crouched at the corner of my room praying very very hard that my apartment would not collapse onto me or get blown away when the storm was at its peak. I didn't like this experience, especially when I was alone in Florida at that time (my only friends and family to me at that time had gone for holiday in Washington to escape the storm).

Those experiences however made me realised how PGO our people in Singapore were. For example, when I updated home office about the possibility of evacuations, I was asked about the cost involved, whether I could cut cost by staying with other Singaporeans, why I had to fly out of Florida and not drive out, why I chose a hotel and not a motel, why I chose this domestic airline and not that etc... My gawd! I was thinking - Here I was, panicking like shi&^&#$%$% wondering how I could stay alive and how I could savage my property and all my barang barang so as to minimise damage/ lost and here we have our Singapore office asking me a thousand why's about why I did this and not that so that I could reduce cost!I had to convince myself really hard and look on the positive side that perhaps these people have not experienced a hurricane and therefore did not know how bad the situation and how panicky a person could possibly get. And in the process, I had to also be really patient and explain/ educate my dear Singapore office of the predicament I was in and patiently explained things to them; and without sounding like I was an opportunist trying to get a free holiday using company funds.

Some of the things that I had convinced myself that they did not know, despite all the reportings and updates in the media, were:

- That the size of a Hurricane can be as large as the whole of Peninsular Malaysia (such as Hurricane Jeanne). And that no matter how far I drive, I will end up still somewhere in the hurricane.

- That each hurricane has its own individual characteristics (size, speed of wind, speed of movement of its eye, etc) and that each one can create its own degree of mass destruction.

- That it is impossible to predict the exact path of a Hurricane. Much less to decide where to run to!

- That a Cat 4 Hurricane (such as Charley that swept through Punta Gorda) could have brought along a 20 ft (6.5 m) of waves and floods and this is enough to drown the whole Tampa peninsular (roughly a little smaller than the size of Singapore and just as flat, if not flatter) that I stayed in.

- That, airports, seaports and all major transport hubs would be close when a Hurricane approaches and we have to book our ticket out of the city soonest possible without getting stranded.

- That land evacuation via car would be very difficult cos it would mean driving my car along a congested highway for hundreds of kilometers and that gas (petrol) would be difficult during that time as everyone would have drained all gas stations (petrol kiosks) of gas in anticipation of electric power failure?

- That people would wipe out supermarkets of groceries and water and canned food etc in anticipation of such facilities collapsing when and if the devastation is horrific.

- That most, if not all, accomodation and hotels along the evacuation routes would be fully booked by evacuees?

Anyway, when I returned to office after surviving the hurricane/s, I had to write a standing instruction for my office back home to endorse so that my replacements in future would not face the same red tapes as me... so, look on the bright side - at least I got something productive out of the whole hurricane season.

:-)

Feeling Threatened

I spent a good half a year in Florida, Tampa in the latter part of 2004.

When I was there, I realised that I have a tendency to want to show my Chineseness even more than when I was in Singapore. Apart from cooking Asian/ Chinese Peranakan dishes (see below for a list of what i cooked), I also find myself hanging around with international colleagues from Asia quite naturally. And invariably, we would use a hotch-potch of Asian languages to converse in addition to English. It was interesting to note that the Americans seemed oblivious of our nationalities, and chosing to refer to us (regardless of whether we are Korean, Japanese, Chinese Singaporean, Mongolians, Thai, etc) as Asians (unless of course they visit our offices where all of us flew our respective country's flags). My theory for this was that as the minority, we tend to flock together as a natural survival instinct.

Was it a case of feeling threatened because we are a minority? or was it simply because we share almost simlar values? or a combination of both?Whatever the case, I was sure that I, being a part of a minority race while there, personally felt left out and to a certain extend threatened by the ang mos as it was an ang-mo majority environment.

I realised that when in Singapore, being of the majority race, I tend to overlook the feelings of my fellow-non-Chinese countryman. I would converse in Chinese and dialects at times with my peers without thinking twice of my non-Chinese friends' presence. I finally query myself - have I, on the many occasions back home, inadvertently made my non-Chinese friends felt left out? With this experience, I do now apologise unreservedly if I had made them felt so.Reflecting, I learnt from my stay in Florida was that I should be more sensitive to my non-Chinese friends. Racial harmony is perhaps something that we in Singapore have taken for granted.

(Hmmm, what did I cook while I was in Florida... Let's see - they include bak kut teh, pork ribs kiam chye, bak chang, nonya kueh salat, yong chow fried rice, nonya chap chye, koh-leh chye png, orh png, chut-bee png, oyster sauce broccoli, mee siam, tau you bak, etc etc, etc.)

Death, the Fragility of Life

Decided to move some of my favourite and reflective postings in Fridae here. Here's one about life...

Location - Tampa Florida, my office's car park
Date - Sep 04

I was on my way to lunch with some of my international colleagues (2 from Tonga and 1 from Thailand) and saw 2 very beautiful pink crested pigeon (doves) chasing each other playfully in flight. It was such a beautiful sight. So loving. So touching.The one in front (presumably female) did a playful dive towards a bright red car before she did a steep turn and spearheaded towards the sky. The one behind (presumably the male) followed suit. But alas, the male could not turn steeply enough and crashed onto the roof of the red car.

Next thing I knew, he dropped onto the ground. I ran to him and picked him up. He did not resist. He was motionless. He looked shocked, his eyelids still moving. I turned him over and realised that the impact of the hit had forced his guts out through his rear and there was a pool of blood on the floor (for a small pigeon, that was a helluva lot of blood!).

I knew there was no hope for him. I knew at that moment that even if I were to rush him to the vet hospital he would be a goner. I was helpless. I could only placed him upright by the foot of a bush and hope his end would be fast. I proceeded to lunch. I ate with a heavy heart thinking of what had happened.

When I returned, he had died. The body had stiffened. His eyes were closed and his legs had straightened. His rigid body lied on its side. I felt sad. I dug a hole by the foot of the tree, said a simple prayer (Buddhist, but that is immaterial to the dove I guess) and gave him a proper burial. That was the most basic thing I could do for my fellow living being.

My Tongan friends laughed at me and said that it was only a bird and that I should not give any hue to it and let nature take it's course (ants, flies, etc). My Thai friend, being a Buddhist too, understood where I was coming from. To me, it may be only a bird, but the life that was lost was no different from any other life I know and I respect it. I felt sad. I could not save him. I know his time was up. The least I could do was to give him a proper burial. Death comes when ones' time is up. It is not up to us to decide when it should come. Life is fragile and unpredictable. We have to be aware what we do while we are alive, do good, do not hurt people, live it productively. So that when we are taken away from this world, we will leave it without worries.

Live each day as if it is the last.

Frustrations and Reflections about Fridae

Some reasons why many of us are freaking frustrated with Fridae... stopping our Perks and giving up on Fridae eventually.

- The seemingly perpectual upgrading of server that ended up with many of us being unable to log in.

- There was a time when Fridae members suddenly have a common age - 34 years old (altho this worked well with some people above 34 who could blame their cyber-youthfulness on Fridae).

- The latest phenomenon is that many of us seemed to measure only 0cm tall. Is it a just simple case of technical glitch? or are there larger issues such as competence (or rather, incompetence) of system administrators? performance failure of system administrators? server performance? or simply corporate non-chalance?

- Once every so often, our pictures get removed and we get reminders from Fridae webmasters that we should only put photos of ourselves (and must have our face too!). Then again, we consistently observe that many other people do not do so, choosing to insert photos of faceless half/fully naked bodies, caricatures, dogs, cats, what have yous; and we do not see their photos being removed. A case of 2 legs good 4 legs better? What make Fridae so sure that the faces published are those of the persons posting it? In insisting that we publish a face, is Fridae assuming that the face/s published would be that of the person itself? From my experience, I am very sure this is not always the case. Is publishing a face all that important in the first place? If I may, I would say that a person's choice of pictures reflects many tacit details of that person that a face cannot simply capture and in itself, a direct reflection of the publisher's character. And therefore, we should not stop him/ her from doing so.

Does this example of insisting a face is published reflect the superficiality of Fridae administrators? At a higher plane, does this inconsistent attempts at censorship reflects an insufficient/ total absence of in-depth rationalisation of the purpose of the web-features (such as photos) within the overall intention of the portal by the administrators? or was it just a simple case of inconsistency in web-policy enforcement?

Shouldn't Fridae, who prides itself as the `Largest Gay and Lesbian Network in Asia', play a more constructive role of administrators and/ or facilitators to promote interactions amongst us? I believe that if Fridae is really sincere about promoting interactions amongst us, it should stop imposing such archaic rules on us.

Instead, it should create an environment where Asian Gays and Lesbians can interact freely. Rules, should be based on certain enlightened premise and not simply some superficial assumptions - eg to show a face would mean a person is sincere about making friends. Added to this, rules, if defined, should be properly thought through and enforced universally. Why censor some and not all? Doesn't the fact that so many people are not following the guidelines and this perhaps reflects a broader deeper societal issue for eg stigma? still in the closet - ie privacy-issues? fear of basklash at the personal-level? if Fridae understands this, why then, insist on a photo?

I would also go on suggest that there is an unstated implied role for Fridae to educate the broader society out there that we are certainly not a bunch of sleazy people who are sexual deviants or a community that `chose' to adopt an `unnatural lifestyle/ practice'. And in this light, perhaps Fridae should consider focusing more on censoring exlicit sexual pics being published up-front instead. Members should be restricted to sharing their sexually explicit pics via the vault only.

Anyway, for now, I do not know if what I have reflected would matter or make a difference. And I don't care either.

I am gay and proud of it and I will continue to do what I think is right and suits me - as long as I am happy.

Our Song - I love how you love me

I love how your eyes close
whenever you kiss me
And when I'm away from you
I love how you miss me
I love the way you always treat me tenderly
But Darling most of all
I love how you love me

I love how your heart beats
whenever I hold you
I love how you think of me
without being told to
I love the way your touch is always heavenly
But Darling most of all
I love how you love me.

I love the way your touch is always heavenly
but Darling most of all
I love how you love me

I love how you hug me
I love how you squeeze me tease me
please me love
How you love me

I love how you love me...