he wants to rape me...

after my dental treatment i brought mum to the coffee shop and she asked to eat some snacks there. and as it was crowded, a man signaled for us to join his table. come come, he said. i am buying takeaway, so you can have the table for your food. we thanked him and soon enough, mum started eating her food. that was when the man started a conversation with us... oh, is she peranakan? my grandma is, you know? and peranakans have very beautiful accessories... etc etc etc. and he went on about how his grandma left her accessories to her children and grandchildren after she passed away. soon enough, his food came. before he left, he handed me his name card, i am retired by the way. and i operate a shop at chinatown. do drop by and visit me sometime ok? he said. and with that he walked off, with a limp and a walking stick.

hmm... quite weird. why would anyone be so friendly? but certainly as a stranger, i thought he was a little too friendly. then again, i might just be a little sensitive. i simply didn't think too much about it. but not mum... despite smiling and giving a few nods here and there during the conversation, she didn't say anything and happily ate her food. and as i walked her to the car park, she said... just now that man who talked to you... he has the sex maniac look. just look at the lustful look on his face, i am sure he has designs on me. i think he wants to rape me...

errrrrrrr... i was very amused with her thoughts, her reasonings and her words. they reek of paranoia, and suspicions. must be her early stage dementia again, i thought. anyway, i tried to lighten the mood and brushed it off by saying that she is already 80-plus (i was trying to be diplomatic and not resort to saying she is no longer attractive... heh). and i went further to rationalize with her by asking how he could possibly do anything to her given his handicapped legs. and my mum's reply?

well, if a man is as lustful as him, he would even do an 80-plus years old woman like me...

i changed the topic of our conversation immediately.

lol...

dentist...

finally went to the dentist this evening after a year plus. i think this was probably the longest period i have not gone to the dentist for i used to be very discipline with the 6-monthly visits through the years. i supposed it was, in part, due to my unemployment cos (1) i didn't feel any discomfort with my teeth, (2) i need to be careful with my spendings and visits to the dentists can be a very expensive affair, and (3) being unemployed, i couldn't make any claims. anyway, my teeth had been feeling rather achy these past 2 weeks. and it was so uncomfortable i couldn't really eat. and to make matters worst, i had (and still have) 2 major ulcers in my mouth following the unfortunate cases of biting my own lips and tongue last week during meals. and that was what i did this evening. brought mum along cos the appointment was after dinner and mum waited for me while i undergo the treatment. and guess what...

i walked into the treatment room, told the dentist about my tooth aches and at the same time asked for a good scaling to be done. and the dentist started doing her checks, and in no time, she went oh sir, i think your gum has receded and exposed your base of your teeth, that's why you feel the aches. and oh, there is a cavity here... and here... and here... and here... no, they are not big but i do suggest you cover them up cos that is why you are feeling the aches... ok, i said, do what needs to be done i thought aloud, and at the same time i wondered how this could be so cos i do not eat much sweet stuff and have been observing very strict oral hygiene. but before i could go further, she added, that would be SGD40 per filling, and there are (she pointed to the different tooth with her tools as she counted)... one, two, me me me me... six altogether! for a while i sensed an air of jubilation in her words. whatever... i agreed for her to proceed. never think twice about negotiating with a dentist with your mouth open, i thought. and with my agreement, she started the scaling. drill drill drill she went. and soon enough, she completed the scaling. and quickly, she added, oh sir, as i cleaned your front teeth, i noted a cavity at the rear of the teeth, i suggest you replace the filling ok? i agreed and straight away, she followed that would be additional SGD70. and with that, the dentist started with her drilling... frankly, as she drilled, and despite the few occasions where i twitched when she hit the nerves, my mind drifted away. i tried computing how much i had to pay. but i could't concentrate. not when the brrrrrrr kept whirling in my mouth. after a while, my mind just blanked off. and before long, the treatment ended...

i walked out SGD374.50 poorer. 

haha... 

chao sng food

for some reasons or other, i seemed to have the unfortunate experiences of eating stale food at the hawker center these 2 weeks. it was weird cos it had never happened to me before. but over the last 2 weeks, it occurred twice.

first time it happened was last week. brought mum to bedok hawker center for breakfast as as usual i would buy vegetarian for her. and considering it was during my pre-vesak vegetarian diet days, i decided to also purchase my own breakfast from the same stall. and when i bit into the tau kwa, it tasted sour. well, it wasn't that bad, just a tat sourish, and i finished my food. i then spoke to the hawker and he was very apologetic about it and offered to return me the money for the food (although i refused to accept). he was also very thankful to me for telling him. i could see him trying out the food himself. i left the place feeling good cos my feedback had allowed him to take a closer look at his food.

and this evening, at the same hawker center, i tasted stale prawns in the hokkien prawn noodles. two out of the 3 prawns had turned slightly stale. nonetheless, i ate them and since the hawker was not around, i gave the feedback to the stall assistant. well, she seemed rather surprised with my feedback and said that perhaps it was becos the prawns had been left in the open since lunch. she spoke to the hawker when he returned and from a distance, it looked like he gave her a dressing down and brushed off the feedback. 2 similar incidents, but 2 very different response. 

well... whatever the case, let's hope both hawkers tighten up on their food management. this time round, things didn't seemed to flare up and there didn't seemed to be any food poisoning cases reported. they might not be so lucky the next time round... 

filipinos & filipinas

i had the opportunity to visit the philippines last week to conduct a workshop for the top management of my subsidiary office. it was a short 3-day duration (that actually was a one day affair) and my stay was almost entirely restricted to the hotel, except for a 1-hour drive around the suburb city. nonetheless, i found the trip rather interesting. or more specifically, the people i interacted with were rather liberal (in a sexual way). here's why...

firstly, the subsidiary has quite a few female staff in the senior ranks. and i was surprised when, during dinner, one of the guys asked me if i knew their marital status, i.e., whether they were married or not. and he went down the names, one by one... is she married? i heard, she's not... how about her, i think she was but no longer now... how about this other one?... that was the gist of the whole conversation where this guy tried to figure out/ extract from me information about their marital status. and he added that in today's world, woman who are up tend to be unmarried, and how woman's role would be more balanced if they had kept themselves to the house... haha. how's that for being sexist!? and the irony was - this guy seemed rather henpecked, judging by how often he had to answer his phone and to report his whereabouts to his wife... hmmm...

secondly, as it was an official dinner, everybody had to dress up for the occasion. and amongst the staff was this 50-plus year old auntie (who's also a member of the senior management staff). she appeared in a very nice light brown-colour silk-like material blouse and had a black shawl draped over her shoulder. she certainly looked very presentable and well co-ordinated. nonetheless, the light brown colour of her blouse matched her skin tone and it was not too long before her lady boss commented that she looked naked from afar. if i were her, i would have blushed straight-away from embarrassment and be self-conscious. but this auntie (who reminded me of mrs aquino, the well-respected late ex-president of the philippines) simply brushed it off with a oh is it? rather diva, i must say, and so unlike her auntie image. and then she whipped out her mobile, struck a pose, smiled and took a photo of herself. she then took a looked at the photo and said something in tagalog to people around her. well, of cos i couldn't understand tagalog and didn't quite understand what she said. but i caught quite a few words such as "naked", "cleavage", "big breast". and coming from an auntie, wasn't it a tat unexpected and surprising? lol!

last but not least, it was this interesting lady who went around telling people the effects alcohol had on her. you see, we had cocktail before dinner and was served. and a few of the staff, including the lady boss drank. the lady boss also went around offering wine to all her staff. it so happened that this particular lady staff, who looked like the party-sort despite her close to 50 years of age, declined politely. and when asked why, she replied that she wanted to be a good host and not be subjected to the effects of wine. and she added that it was becos i will get horny when i drink wine... i was quite speechless when she told me that and i didn't know how to react, other than to smile shyly. but i think it was just me, cos all her other male colleagues seemed pretty ok with it and chatted along with her as though it was the most normal thing to say... hmmm... i will never even tell my male colleagues when i get horny!

from this simple 3 incidents, and much as i dislike generalizing, i concluded that perhaps this is something that reflects the filipino society as a whole. a very male chauvinistic society, yet very liberal when it comes to verbalizing sex-related issues. 

quite interesting right? 

:-)

nuisance!

the auto-correct function can be quite a nuisance at times!

haha!

not slipped disc

well, as a follow-up to the a&e visit where the doctor told me my bad back was a slipped disc, i visited the orthopedic specialist earlier this week. and guess what? the specialist, who is a senior consultant, concluded that it was not a slipped disc after all.

he concluded so after taking x-rays of my spine in an flexion and extension posture (i.e, x-ray of my spine when i bend forward and bend backward). he added that if the injury was any more serious, it would be a serious case of slipped disc. and from what he could see from the x-rays, the bone looked rather loose but measurements of the space between the vertebrae suggest that it is still within certain comfort limit that would not warrant further treatments such as going for mri etc (whatever that means...). nonetheless, he concluded that it was a very bad sprain and predicted that by the time i hit 50 (which is about 3-4 years time), the back could possibly deteriorate to the point where i would need a major surgery to fuse some of the vertebrae. otherwise, i might be in very bad shape and would suffer tremendous pains due to frequent slipped discs...

hmm... does not sound optimistic. but that was probably the best diagnosis he could give. according to him, this is something that a lot of military personnel experience after their service and it could be attributed to long periods of excessive strains and frequent use of the back/ spine from long marches, trainings, runs etc. and for now, his advice to me is to strengthen my core muscles, do light runs, and maintain my health to the best i could. as for the pains that i still feel, he prescribed some anti-inflammatory medicine and told me that it would probably be 3-4 months more before i fully recover...

haiz.

happy vesak 2557

as usual, bee and i and kl's family participated in the 3-steps-1-bow ceremony at kmspks last night. thankfully, the rain that forced a temporary stop to the ceremony at 10pm petered off eventually and the ceremony proceeded as planned after that. we were initially worried that it would be cancelled again, like last year. nonetheless, the wait was a long one and we only got to start the whole ceremony at about 4am. and for once, i donned my buddhist robes. i thought the robe was a size too big cos i kept stepping on the robe when i stood up. haha... anyway, i did not prostrate throughout the ceremony. halfway through i felt my back tightening and decided to just bow. i couldn't risk another sprained back. 

it was about 6.30am when i started my drive home. i was worried about how mum would react to my coming home at daybreak. my heart grew heavy and just as i parked my car, my phone rang. she demanded to know why i was not home yet. she gave an unconvinced and unhappy hmpph! to my explanation that the ceremony started late. and as to be expected, i came home to a highly suspicious mum who looked at me from the side of her eyes and with a face that was blacker than black.  i offered her a cai tau kuay (chinese carrot cake) that i had taken from the temple but she rejected it. i simply left it with her, spoke to her in normal tones and did what i needed to do - i brought the dog for her morning pee, took a shower and went to bed.

i was woken up about 10am by the sound of the main door opening and mum's voice. she was talking to someone. worried that something had happened, i jumped out of bed and rushed out of my room. i saw her holding the door and there was a bald person at the lift landing. as i didn't have my glasses on, i could only guess it was the filipino neighbor. when mum saw me, she quickly slammed her door shut. i asked mum what she was doing... i noted she was holding her handbag. assuming she wanted to go out i questioned where she wanted to go. it was then that i noticed she looked flustered, her hair was messed up and there was thickened sputum on her corners of her lips. no, no, no... no where, she said as she limped her way to the sofa. i reminded her not to go out alone and that if she wanted to go anywhere, she should tell me. i asked again where she wanted to go and again she did not answer. and after a few more questions, she finally admitted, i had gone to the temple.

what!!! i screamed out in my mind. i was conscious and kept reminding myself not sound angry. you should not go out alone. i said quietly... anyway, to cut the long story short, she had taken a taxi and had made her way to the temple by herself. and despite the long distance and the superbly bad jam at the temple, she claimed the taxi driver charged her only $16. and at the temple, it was superbly crowded and people had to jostle and squeeze their way around. but somehow, many members of the public came forth and assisted her as she made her rounds around the different buildings to pray and to bathe the baby buddha (a common ritual during vesak day). and she also said a monk had blessed her and spoke to her one-on-one. and as she was not steady and disoriented, the temple used their own transport and assigned a monk to send her home, and that was the bald guy i saw at the lift landing. i didn't really believe her initially. but my doubts where removed when she took out a statue of amitabha buddha and a pre-recorded amitabha prayer gadget and asked, what are these? the venerable gave it to me after blessing me.

well, it was quite unbelievable. the whole journey, the people she met, the things she did, and how the temple had assisted her. as the story unfolded, i experienced a flood of mixed emotions. on one hand, i was angry. angry that she had gone out alone again. but i managed to not let it control me. i kept composed. after all, she had gone to the temple alone becos she didn't want to disturb my sleep. i asked her not to do it again. on the other hand, i was very thankful for the many unnamed individuals who had helped my mum, an elderly 80-plus year old lady who suffers from early dementia and has mobility challenges. their acts of compassion and kindness indeed moved me. and to these people, i dedicate my merits to them. may they be blessed with happiness, and clarity of thoughts as their strive towards their own enlightenment.

happy vesak day everyone.

:-)

picture from http://www.fabuloussavers.com

masaki koh

my favourite japanese porn star died recently.

i found out about his passing away when i noticed a sudden spike in hits in my blog last week. and there was quite a few hits on my blog post that arose from a google of "masaki koh passed away". i did a quick google myself but there was not much news. but my gut instinct told me something bad had happened and that it would be a matter of time before the confirmation comes...

i messaged a few friends. some didn't know him, but for natkean, he was rather affected. after all, for those who follow japanese gay porn, they would definitely know masaki koh. and natkean was one of them. yup, it was sudden, and it was rather unexpected. felt a little sad, but well... such things do happen, i supposed.

may he rest in peace.

picture from http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/masaki%20koh

filipino boys are hot!

need i say more?

haha... had just came back from a work trip from clark, philippines. and even though it was a one day trip, i had my fair share of sighting cute boys. ok, not boys, lest i sound like a pedo. cute young men! then again, i was too preoccupied mentally with work and did not actually observe any cuties when i touched down. but this morning, during my journey home, i was suddenly sensitized to cute young men around me!

for a start, when i checked out of my room at 4.45am, the attendant that checked me out (at the hotel counter) was one helluva cute! nice, fair, arabic look with those dreamy eyes... and then i took the hotel transport to the airport. well, i didn't notice whether the driver was cute, it was too dim at that time. but i was so taken aback when the driver came down to take out my luggage from the boot. he had a super hard on that was pushing hard out of his pants. the tent was so bloody obvious! of cos i pretended not to see, thanked him, took my luggage and off i went.

and finally, i boarded my plane. and as i climbed up the ladder (yup, budget airline), i was greeted by a super cute cabin crew. such a sunshiny smile on a sunshiny morning. made me feel so sunshiny all over... heh. but that was not all, when i finally boarded the plane and took my seat, another cute cabin crew appeared. it was such a nice change to see 2 cute cabin crews in the same flight. but the real treat was this - becos it was a company flight, the captain (who was also very manly cute) knew me and brought me to the cockpit to say hello to his first officer. and along the way, he introduced me to his team of cabin crew that included the 2 cuties. and guess what? i had special treatment from these 2 cuties through my whole flight! i had a free meal, as well as drinks. and on top of that had the chance to have a nice talk with both of them during flight.

it felt like i was in heaven. literally. and of cos, i gave them my contact number to call me should they have a stop over. volunteered to show them around town. 

heh heh... nice end to the trip!

updated travel list...

gosh, it just occurred to me that the last time i updated my travel list was in 2011. and that means i did not leave the country at all in 2012! and this is a first in more than 2-over decades that i did not leave country in a year! anyway, i had just made a one day trip to the philippines. not a holiday at all. went in on sunday, facilitated a workshop on monday and am back on tuesday... how's that for chop chop!? but yes, despite the short trip, it was a good break. good mental break away from mum!

:-)

2013

may - philippines (clark)

2012

nil

2011

feb - malaysia (jb)

jun - malaysia (jb)

oct/ nov - china (hong kong sar)

2010

may - malaysia (jb)

oct - indonesia (bintan)

nov - indonesia (jakarta)

dec - united arab emirates (abu dhabi, dubai)

2009

jun/jul - australia (perth, cervantes, margaret river, augusta, walpole, denmark, pemberton, manjimup, albany, hyden, corrigin, york, fremantle, joondalup)

jul - malaysia (malacca)

sep - malaysia (malacca)

nov - malaysia (jb)

2008

jun - thailand (phuket)

oct - malaysia (malacca, kuala lumpur)

dec - malaysia (cameron highlands, malacca)

2007

apr - malaysia (malacca)

apr - china (beijing)

jun - australia (perth)

aug - vietnam (hanoi, haphong)

aug - indonesia (jakarta, bandung)

dec - china (shanghai)

2006

apr - malaysia (kl)

jun - australia (sydney)

aug - thailand (bangkok)

sep-oct - indonesia (jakarta, bandung, lembang)

oct - thailand (bangkok)

dec - china (hong kong)

2005

feb - thailand (bangkok)

mar - malaysia

may - thailand (bangkok)

jun - indonesia (bintan)

jul - indonesia (bintan)

sep - indonesia (bintan)

oct - malaysia (kl)

nov - malaysia (jb, malacca)

nov - indonesia (bintan)

dec - taiwan (taipei)

2004

feb - taiwan (kaoshiung)

mar - taiwan (kaoshiung)

jun-dec - states (whole of florida, new york, chicago / illinois, etc)

dec - china (shanghai, hangzhou)

2003

jun - australia (sydney)

sep-oct - taiwan (taipei)

dec - s korea (seoul, sorat, incheon)

2002

jun - england (london, oxford, stratford upon avon, leeds, manchester, scarborough, windermere, etc)

2001

mar - states (california [la, sfo], new york)

may - taiwan (whole)

may - malaysia

jul - states (san diego)

dec - malaysia

2000

jun - australia (sydney)

dec - indonesia (bintan)

1999

feb - indonesia (jember)

may - england (london, brighton)

jun - malaysia

oct - japan (tokyo)

1998

mar - malaysia

jun - malaysia

sep - new zealand (christchurch)

nov - new zealand (christchurch, auckland)

1997

jun - indonesia (bintan, batam)

jun - thailand (bangkok, pattaya)

nov - switzerland (zurich, lucerne), israel (jerusalem)

pre-1997

lots of places but mainly in asia. these include east and west malaysia (lost count), taiwan (lost count), hong kong (twice?), australia brisbane, sydney, melbourne (1994), thailand (bangkok, kanchanaburi, chiangmai, chiangrai) (lost count), indonesia (bintan, batam, jember, surabaya) (trice?), brunei (lost count), philippines (metro manila, cabanatuan city) (1995), etc etc etc...

busy busy busy

been a superbly busy week...

had to conduct a workshop in the philippines and will leave this sunday. and with this come a flurry of activities and preparations. initially i wasn't too happy to have to go cos it started as something that my boss had to do it. but as he said he was busy to plan for a whole day program, he asked me to help out with one activity. and then the plan changed to a half day program and my big boss asked that only one person go. and he conveniently arrowed the whole thing to me. but well, looking at another angle, it gives me an opportunity to do what i like best - to conduct training/ workshops. and i have been busy preparing for it since mid-last week... all the od-related stuff. arggghhh...

as of now, it is finally almost done. some final touches tomorrow and i am ready to leave. i depart sunday morning. workshop monday morning and return tuesday morning. kinda rush. had been some 18 years since i last went to manila. and this time round, it will be at clark. and i was told the place is really run-down, the air is terribly bad, the weather is very hot and that i should not expect anything much... 

have arranged for mum to stay with my bro and bee to look after the dog.

busy busy busy!

vegetarian chicken

i was at the food court earlier and was looking for vegetarian meals and decided to check out the indian stall. it was run by south asians and as usual, he boggled his head as he spoke to me...

me: is the cheese and mushroom prata vegetarian?

attendant: yes...

me: ok, can I have one please.

attendant: hokay, do you vant chicken kurry or wegetable kurry...

me: ...

heh heh... i had assumed he knew i was vegetarian when i asked about the prata.

:-)

arghhh...

just when i think i am managing things well, i lost it again today.

went for my chiro after my work, had dinner and rushed home to keep her company. and her black face and suspicions featured again big time. who did you go out with, where did you go to, la di da... non-stop. all these despite me calling her a few times telling her where i was, what i did, through the evening. and still i got her black face and side-looking eye. i had to spend the whole evening cajoling her, explaining, and re-explaining to her about what i did etc. and when i finally i told her i would be heading out for my nightly routine stretches after the 9pm show. she started her whole business of warning me about mixing with bad company etc. that made me lose my temper...

wtf! damned!

and no, please do not comment on this post. i do not need anyone to tell me to wake up my idea or along that line. let me vent for goodness sake. 

我的失智父親，最卑微的願望!

bee posted this in his facebook and dedicated it to me. i took a look and i felt my throat choking. yup, it is an insurance advertisement, but well... the story is as relevant to me as it is to him. certain parts reminded me of his dad, like how he wrote things to remember his son, but the dementia parts reminded me of my mum. i know such videos tuck on one's heart strings and one can call it an emotional blackmail of sorts. but in all seriousness, it is such moments and reminders that puts things in perspective when we get tense and stressed up when we look after our own elderly parents.

as i said, the parts on dementia reminded me of my mum. and these days, her memory can be as short as a couple of seconds. and one moment she can be talking to me well and the next moment when i continued to complete my sentence, she would ask me why i said what i said. and she knows her memory is fading and often lament the fact that she cannot remember things these days...

but i guess i have gotten used to such occasions. admittedly, i still have my impatient moments. but on the whole, i think i am managing things a lot better now. let's see how things go.

...

more human than a dog

my sis-in-law's mother from china came to my place today and she was so amused at how i treated sapphie... 

but as fas as i was concerned, i didn't do anything special. i just gave her a bathe, dried her using a towel, and she gave me her paws and her legs as i dried them one by one. and then she turned around to allow me to dry her body, her head and her butt and tail. and as i laid a dry towel on the floor, she started rolling around it to dry her body as well as her own face. and then i fed her apples and mangoes. and she licked the mango seeds totally dry... and of cos, i brushed her teeth.

and my sis-in-law's mother observed as i did all these. and she asked a couple of questions here and there. questions like: where did she sleep? (in my room), what is her diet like? (vegetarian), what did you bath her with? (shampoo)... and then she exclaimed... wah... your singaporean dog is like a human! and she has a better life than many people i know in china! i had a dog before and i have never given my dog a bath! not to mention, eat fruits some more! my dog ate meat primarily and she ran away after 9 years... and you know, she gave birth to so many puppies, we threw them all away. couldn't care even if they die. there were just too many of them...

hmmm.... well, what can i say... that my dog has a good life?

haha... i supposed she has good karma. 

busy sunday

was a superbly busy sunday for me.

brought my mum out for breakfast, did some marketing and rushed back home to mop the house and wash the toilet. and before i can even take a rest, my brother's family came over. it was their first time to visit me and it got me busy for the whole day. had to cook lunch for them. and after that, i tried unscuccessfully to get my niece to go near sapphie. she had never gotten near dogs since birth and was totally petrified of sapphie when she saw her. and this was made worst by the fact that sapphie barked non-stop when they arrived. but i had better luck with my 4-month nephew. he was probably too young to be afraid of dogs and tried to grab sapphie's fur many a times. it was also rather fun to see him talk (baby talk) to sapphie. and for afternoon tea, i cooked pengat for them. was half worried whether they were ok with peranakan dessert but my fears was superfluous. everyone enjoyed it. even my sis-in-law's china mother. and after the dessert, i brought my niece to swim. first time she stepped into the pool. she was afraid of the pool initially but after she got used to the water, she refused to get out. heh...

whew... when they left close to 5pm, i was totally drained. as for mum, she was also shagged out cos she didn't get to rest. and as of now, she is napping on the sofa. tired, she said. 

heh heh... been a busy but fulfilling weekend. 

and i am actually looking forward to the work week ahead!

:-)

搭错车

been a superbly long while since i last caught any performance and last evening, natkean, bee and i went to watch 搭错车. it was a really pleasant evening and a good break for me. we had dinner, pizza, salad and all and i commented that the food was really nice. and then it occurred to me that i had not had the opportunity to eat this way for a very long time! heh...

well, the show was reasonable, i thought. the pacing was not too good for the first half but things got better during the second half. the performance was competent but not superb and there was just something missing in the whole production that i couldn't really pinpoint. nonetheless, for someone who has not had a good break for a while, this little escape was a good welcoming change (although i admit that my mind drifted away many a times worrying about whether mum had tried to call me cos there was no reception in the esplanade)...

it was also very nice for the fact that i managed to meet up with a long lost friend and went for drinks with another friend after the show. 

what a good break!

preparing for vesak 2013

vesak 2013 has come around again and this year, i decided my preparation for it will be slightly different.

for a start, i will not go bald. i decided against going bald cos i thought doing something like this would be too huge a statement to make, especially when i have just started work. the extra attention might go against my attempts to manage my self-consciousness and self-centricity. nonetheless, i still cut my hair short as a symbolic gesture to remind myself about not being vain.

as for my diet, i will still observe vegetarianism for the next 2 weeks. this is a small symbolic gesture to reinforce my respect for life. my abstinence from meat for 2 weeks before vesak day has become a discipline and it is something i thought is meaningful to me as a practicing buddhist. 

and last but not least, i am not too sure if i am able to undergo the 3-steps-1-bow ritual like what i have done for the past 2 decades. my bad back has not fully recovered and i still experience pain and stiffness daily. so... anyway, i shall attempt to do it slowly and will not push if it hurts badly. 

looking forward to vesak day.

blogging less...

these days after i start working, i find myself having a lot less energy to do a lot of things that i had previously done. and this would include things like having lunch catching up with friends, blogging, running, etc.

nonetheless, on the whole, i think i am doing relatively ok. and i say so becos firstly, i am able to sleep rather well these days. and i believe this is becos i find myself rather mentally drained by the end of the day. secondly, i might have stopped almost all my runnings, but on the whole, i think i am still able to burn a reasonable amount of calories (if not more) per week compared to when i ran regularly. and this is because i walk to/ from work daily (compared to alternate days of running previously). as for friends, i have yet to find the time to catch up with them as much but this is something i have to resolve in time to come. and most importantly, i am probably less stressed out about having no money to spend now that i have my regular salary (not that it allows me to splurge). 

so yup... nett nett, i think things are looking relatively ok. 

:-)

happy mother's day

brought my mum out for breakfast earlier.

i was pushing mum's wheelchair out of the hawker center when i saw a boy and his mother. he was about about 6 yrs of age, and he was eating vegetarian mee. as we walked pass, he used his chopstick to pick up some of the noodles and he offered it to his mother. his mother looked a little surprised but ate it nonetheless. and she took the noodle into her mouth, the little boy said...

"happy mother's day!"

i was not sure about his mother, but i was really over the top, felt my throat choking that very moment. in my heart, i congratulated the mother for having brought the son up so well.

that was so so bloody sweet, right?

perseverance

"sedikit sedikit, lama lama jadi bukit..." 

that was the phrase i learned recently. the literal translation of this phrase was "bit by bit, a mountain would be formed". and it is used to bring across the message of "perseverance". when i heard it, i liked it immediately! well, as to why i liked it, there were 2 reasons. firstly, the words rhyme! it is interesting i thought. i have not really come across many malay phrases where the words rhyme so nicely. and secondly, the meaning resonated with me. perseverance. something that i believe in. there is no success without efforts. and i immediately saw the similarities between the meaning of the phrase with a chinese childhood story about how an old man tried to move a mountain, stone by stone.

:-)

talking to mum

it was a challenge to talk to mum all the times... but i have learned a lot of lessons over time with regards how to hold a conversation with her. and i distill these lessons to (1) need to be very patient, (2) need to talk in a non-judgemental way, (3) if need be, tell white lies, agree with her. don't be too attached to your views. as an illustration of the challenges, here're some of what i experienced these two days...

yesterday on my way to breakfast, i told her i would be attending a malay wedding in the afternoon, and to be exact, the wedding of my ex-staff's sister. that information set her off with a series of non-stop questioning. who will you be going with, who is the bride? who is the groom? where is the wedding? how many people have been invited? how come you are invited? is the bride staying at that place? how old is the bride? how old is the groom? where do they live? who are they living with? who will be cooking the food? what are the dishes? there was no way i could answer most of the questions. and where i could not, she had her conclusions and her views... aiyah, malay weddings all the same one. all standard one. i don't like to attend. they always give food that are not nice. i can't eat beef. and the food always very cheap. they always cook in big kwali. last time, si pondan (pondan was someone from ger kampong) got married, everyone in the village got invited, and i don't like the food. also, when sidek (my old neighbour) got married, they invited me and all of you... hmmm... and she kept repeating her questions and her conclusions... patience, patience, she is a sick person and you should just go along with her questions. and i told her in a matter-of-fact manner, that the food for wedding these days are catered and people hardly do their own cooking. and as it would be a buffet, we have a choice to choose what we want to eat. 

and just as she was going on and on about the wedding, my sis-in-law called up. she said she'd be going to the local supermarket and asked what time we'll be arriving. after telling her that we will be there early to allow her time to do her grocery shopping, mum started with her non-stop questioning again. and again, there were no way for me to answer her questions. what time will she (my sis-in-law) be going to ntuc? how come she wants to go ntuc? what does she want to buy? which ntuc does she want to go to? haha... i replied that i couldn't answer her questions and better still, she should ask my sis-in-law instead. she refused to. and repeated the questions again. 

and today, yet again, she went on non-stop about the malay wedding. and other than insisting that malay wedding food are no good, and that was why she didn't like to attend malay weddings. and she went on to add that malays like to invite a lot a lot of people becos they want to earn people's ang pow. and she went on to say that at most, we should only give $5 ang pows (red packets). i was not comfortable with her views and told her that we should not view malays this way. inviting a lot of friends is an extension of their community-centric view of things and even if we do not like the food, we should be courteous about the invitation and at least make the effort attend to give support. and as for the ang pows, it is really secondary. i shared that these days we should consider minimally giving an amount that can help them cover the cost of the catering and an amount of about $20 would be reasonable. i added that some people who are closer would give up to $50 too. with that, she turned around and asked, so how much did you give? i did not want to tell her but simply tell her that $5 is no longer a reasonable amount. i knew that regardless of amount i tell her, she would take the opportunity to nag at me. nonetheless, with my refusal to answer, she made her own conclusions and before i knew it, she started berating me. i know you give a lot, you are always too generous with your monies, always giving people money... everyone told me you are superbly careless with your money... that was when the conversation almost went down the drain... i decided to stop the conversation and went back to talking about the mundane... what would you like to eat for breakfast? i started... told bee about it, and he simply said, you already know she is sick, so why insist on the $20, just tell her you give $5 la... and i realized that i had been attached to my views of the real world. something that she is no longer able to connect with. and that had been a source of tensions between her and me many a times.  

need to create uncertainty

if there's one thing i can conclude after today, it is that i need to create more uncertainty in my routines so that mum gets use to it.

since i started work, i have been coming home at about 6pm daily. and on one or two days of the week, i will need to head to the chiro and thus far, i have rushed home and picked her up before heading out together. and i did this becos i would bring her out for dinner at the same time. and this week, i decided to take the public transport to the chiro and thus purchased dinner and left it for her. when i reached home at about 8.45pm, her face was anything but happy. in fact, she looked like someone had offended her... and i had to bear the brunt of her black face. thankfully, my sis happened to drop by and things did not go too bad. 

but the ultimate was today. and what happened was... as per routine, i walked home. and as i was about to reach my estate entrance, i realized i had left my keys in the office. i had no choice but to walk back to get the keys for without them, i would not be able to bring mum out for dinner. and so, in anticipation of her getting worried, i called her. i will be back latest 6.30pm. i told her. and i explained to her i needed to get my keys. ok, she said. indeed, i arrived at the ground floor of my block at 6.28pm. and just as i was about to take the lift, my sis called. she sounded terrible and wanted to consult me about how to manage her issues. well... it was about her daughters again...

anyway, the conversation lasted till close to 6.50pm. i couldn't take the lift as there was no reception in it, and i couldn't really stop the conversation cos she was really upset... and sighs... when i entered the house at 6.52pm, my mum's face was so superbly black it felt like as though the whole wide world had offended her. where did you go, why were you so late, who were you with, what were you doing... every questions that i could think of screamed out loud through her facial expressions and her body language. i explained to her about my sis talking to me. and she responded with disbelief. how can that be, how come you cannot talk to her upstairs, how come you have to hide from me, she questioned, one question after another, and her suspicions showed so clearly. from past experience, she was highly suspicious of me when she could not account for my whereabouts and always (for reasons unknown) ended up concluding that i was out with bee and his mum and we were planning to kill her. or something along that line. anyway, i explained again, and the last thing i expected was... she got even more upset and suspicious. and it was directed at my sis. how come she did not tell me and told you instead, i am her mother, what is there to hide from me, these days, she never tell me anything, i called her 3 times today, and she did not answer, and then she called you, she does not have me in her eyes anymore... she went on and on. and she wallowed as she voiced her suspicions at the same.

and before i could respond further, she said she's not hungry, she has no appetite, she doesn't want to go out... all her typical responses when she goes into her protest mode. it was rather draining for me. i acted blur, i tried very hard to sound cheerful, i changed the topic a few times... and tried hard to cajoule her to leave the house with me... it took me a while before she gave in. to cut the long story short. she continued with her anger, suspicion, moody, etc moods for the whole evening... as of now, she has gone to bed and she's pretending to sleep. it is obvious she's still in her moods but i have chosen to let her be.

and i traced all these to one event - i came home late. later than the time i told her i would be home.

moving ahead, i really need to throw in a few uncertainties in my daily return timing. need to get her used to some slight uncertainty. if i do not do so, i can imagine how bonkers she will go when work starts to pile and i need to work a little later in time to come...

haiz.

weird dreams

i had 2 weird dreams last night...

• the first dream was a short and sharp one. it lasted a few seconds in my lalaland time. it was about this couple i know, but did not keep in contact. actually, i know them as separate individuals and they came together a day after one of them broke off with his bf for 8 years. this happened only recently. and if i know them well enough, i don't think they will stay together for long. anyway, in lalaland early this morning, there was a very bright yellow door. and this door opened to a lot of fanfare, confetti and all, very pink, very pastel, and a lot of red. and this couple appeared. they were wearing some very colourful clothes, clothes that reminded me of what johnny depp wore in alice in wonderland, except that they were even more clownish and colorful. perhaps it was a reflection of what i thought of them when i learned about their getting together. anyway, they walked out of the door, and they announce to all of us who were standing and looking at them; and in a rather frivolous and callous manner, that... they are breaking off! and with that announcement, confetti continued to be thrown, trumpets were blown. and people were laughing (at them), and they smiled and waved their hands, looking like idiots (like the way kumar would do when he imitated the queen), thinking that people were cheering them on... 

• the second dream was more drama(tic). i was in a very dark place in my lalaland. just somewhere, i didn't know. and i received an sms telling me to pay attention to the ringgit. and a voice told me that something very very bad is going to happen. and as per all happenings in lalaland, there was some sort of connection to real world happening, this message came against the backdrop of the coming election in malaysia. and as i was pondering over the meaning of the sms, the setting of the dream changed. i found myself in a room in a faraway place. and seemingly, as a continuation of the "something very bad is going to happen", an explosion went off in the building next to my hotel. it was pure burning inferno and lots of smoke. and the next thing i know, the roof and the top floor of the building started to break off from the building. interestingly, this roof looked very similar to the roof of tangs marriot, with the chinese pagoda top. i saw this roof top fall towards me. and as it happened, more explosion could be heard above me. it struck me that my hotel was also under attack. i was jolted out of my sleep... panting, heart beating like crazy... it was a long while before i fell asleep again.

weird right?

hmmm...