Super Sad

Last night, I had 2 very disturbing dreams, although I can only recall one of them. 

I was standing outside the grille of a place (perhaps a prison cell? or a home?), and Sapphie, my dog, was inside. For some reason, I didn’t want to show myself because I didn’t want the occupants to know I was there. So I called out to her softly. She didn’t respond, so I moved closer, whistled, and called her name again. This time, she heard me. Her ears twitched, and she turned her head to look in my direction and she started whining. But she didn’t come to the grille because I was hidden from view. 

In that half-asleep state, it hit me suddenly that she had been dead for more than a decade. The blurred line between the dream and reality was very confusing. And, at that moment, I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. I told myself that I needed to remember this dream. 

Then I drifted back to sleep.

Grateful 3 & 4 Jun: Anchor

I have often gravitate towards significant events, meaningful encounters, or important lessons in my gratitude journals and have not paid enough attention to the simple things that quietly support my day-to-day life. So, in this post, let me give thanks for: 

• Sunshine. It's been bright and sunny these past 2 days. Rather than complaining about the heat, let me give thanks for the sunshine that brightens my day and allows me to go about my daily routines, whether it is heading to the coffee shop for my kopi-o kosong, doing my exercises around the estate, or simply enjoying a walk outdoors. It is such a simple thing, yet it brings a sense of ease and freedom that I often take for granted.

• Friends. These past 2 days, many people have checked in on me, and this evening, I met my ex-colleague turned friend D for dinner. So let me give thanks for them. These seemingly small gestures keep me connected and remind me that, even though I enjoy solitude, I am not alone. They reassure me that there are people who think of me, care about me, and remain part of my life. 

• Home. My home provides me with a comfortable space to rest, escape from the heat, work, and simply be myself. It is more than just a place to live. Reflecting on the past 3 decades, it has been the backdrop to countless moments shared with my parents, past partners, and my dog. It is also a place where my siblings and their families, relatives, friends, and colleagues have gathered. In many ways, it quietly holds the story of my life. 

So yes, these are things that feature so naturally in my daily life that I rarely stop to notice them. Yet they form the foundation upon which so much else rests. And I am deeply grateful to these people and things that is such an integral part of my life.

Grateful 7 Mar: Life

Several things happened today that reminded me of life as a whole. It is interesting how life’s lessons appear when you least expect it - in a simple book, the memory of a loved companion, or even the fleeting presence of a bird. Each moment reminds me of the beauty, impermanence, and interconnectedness of life. So today, I give thanks for:

• Big Panda & Little Dragon. I mentioned this last week and realized I’ve had the book with me all along. I took it off my bookshelf this morning, skimmed through it, and was immediately hooked all over again. It’s such a simple, straightforward read, yet full of life lessons. Every illustration and quote feels so relatable. I’m thankful for this rediscovery and the joy it brings. 

• Sapphie. Sapphie, my late dog (photo above), passed away on 22 March 2016 - exactly 10 years ago this month. A spontaneous question from my buddy about past pets prompted me to look through some old photos I had kept. Seeing her brought a smile to my face, tinged with a little ache in my heart. I thank her for the selfless love she gave me over 15 years and 4 months of her life. 

• Dead Pigeon. Walking out of my condo backgate today, I noticed a dead pigeon on the park connector, its body twisted awkwardly in the hot sun. I felt a pang of sadness looking at the carcass. Realizing there was nothing I could do, I walked on. Later, I returned and moved it to the grass. I want to ensure it wouldn’t be stepped on or cycled over. The pigeon is considered a pest by many, but in death, a little dignity and respect should nonetheless be accorded to it. This experience is similar to another that occurred in 2005 and reminded me that life is delicate and fleeting. I’m grateful for this quiet, poignant reminder.

Today’s experiences remind me that life reveals itself in unexpected and simple moments. From the joy of revisiting familiar stories, to the warmth of memories that linger, to the quiet reminders of life’s fragility, each experience deepens my awareness and gratitude. I close this journal feeling present, thankful, and gently reminded of the preciousness of every living moment.

Sapphie

 This is Sapphie, my dog. 

It’s coming to 10 years since she left. 

The recent haze reminds me of her and this pic.

She has such gentle eyes!

Burning Smell

The air has been heavy with a burning smell over the past week or so, and on a day or two, I could have sworn it even looked hazy. I am also seeing people complaining about it and how they have experienced difficulties in breathing, etc. All these felt oddly nostalgic. It reminded me of the days when the country was blanketed in thick haze and carried the unmistakable smell of forest burning. That was probably more than a decade ago, when my mum and my dog were still around.

Because of that, the haze and smell over the past week stirred a sense of nostalgia in me. While it was undeniably uncomfortable, a small part of me wished it would linger a little longer. I suppose that’s just how memories work. For now, it’s enough to appreciate it for what it is - to “enjoy” it while it’s here, and just experience it while it is around. No judgment, no anger, no frustration. Just acceptance that it will eventually pass once the burning in the region stops.

https://www.facebook.com/NEASingapore/photos/hotspots-continue-to-be-observed-north-of-singapore-due-to-vegetation-fires-with/1202307645376982/

2019 - uneventfully fulfilling

It actually took me a while to think about what I want to christen 2019. And it was not because 2019 was a difficult year for me. Rather, when I thought about it, only one word came to mind and it was  work, work, work, work and more work. But to be fair to myself, I had to take other aspects of my life into my thoughts and so, I concluded tentatively on the term “uneventful".  Frankly, even as I am typing this now, I am wondering if there are other terms that could be used. But well, let’s use this for now and see if my thoughts shift as I write. For this blog, I will use a slightly different format. I will write about the key themes/ happenings that defined 2019 instead of the usual themes of family, personal life, friends, and so on that I had used in previous years. Here goes, and in no order of priority... 

1 - My heart procedure & health

I went for my stenting procedure in Jan 19. It was a second heart procedure for me, the first being the ablation procedure that I did in Oct 18. The procedure was rather straight forward - puncture a hole in the artery at my groin area, insert the tube to the heart, insert the stent, balloon it, extract the tube and patch me up... The months that followed were uneventful, almost routine. And this was due to the need to be compliant with my medication. Really, I have never been more compliant about taking my meds until this year. On the flip side, 2019 was also the year where my presbyopia got worst, my memory seemed to get worse, I increasingly felt the effects of nerve compression, etc. and  I crossed  85kg. It occurred sometime in the middle of the year. I had slowed down my activities tremendously after my heart procedure. Anyway, I decided I should manage my weight better and I am glad to note that I ended 2019 at about 82kg. This is about 20kg above my ideal weight based on my BMI. Let’s see if I can bring down this further in 2020. 

2 - Organising major events at work

I had assumed a new port folio at work since Dec 18. One of the key responsibility for me was in the areas of asset activation.  Thus came the tasks of running and managing a newly renovated facility and organising of events as part of the broader plan to strengthen engagement and promoting collaboration. This responsibility became a major pre-occupation through the year and it culminated in my organising of 3-4 major events concurrently between the months of Sep - Nov 19. It was really exhausting but at the same time very fulfilling, considering I had a new team and we were all grappling with our new roles. I can expect more of such events to come in 2020. It’s gonna be scary yet exciting. Hopefully my heart can take this stress. 

3 - Meeting his friends

Ever since getting together with PZ in Dec 18, I had accompanied him back to KL quite regularly, often to meet his friends whenever any of them celebrated their birthdays. And all the time, he will leave me alone whenever he met up with his friends. As for me, I will end up being alone wilding my time either in the hotel room or walking around aimlessly at shopping centers. During the last visit that occurred end-Dec 19, I was surprised when he asked me to join him and his friends for dinner. This was perhaps one major highlight for me for the year and, I supposed, for him too, considering how secretive he was when I first knew him. 

4 - I'm Singaporean - Proudly

In 2019, we both lost our passports. It happened in Malaysia during one of the drive up to Kuala Lumpur. The process we had to go through to to report the loss and for him to get a replacement was nothing short of a nightmare. Thankfully, it was a lot easier for me given the backing I had from the Singapore overseas mission in Johor Bahru. It was then that I appreciated the efficiency of the Singapore system. When shit happened, I bitched big time about the inefficiencies and the horrible mindsets of the Malaysians. But to put in perspective, I had to also remind myself that Singapore went through the same some decades ago. Perhaps they will take some time, but for now, I can only say I am glad I'm Singaporean.

5 - Traveling overseas

2019 was a year of travels for me. I started off telling myself I wanted to at least be able to travel once a month. I acknowledged that to some, such a target would have sounded quite nonsensical. But to me, it was something I wanted to achieve since the previous 2 years following my mum's demise. In a way, I supposed, it was my way of playing catch-up. And I am glad to say - I managed to eventually clock an average of 4 trips overseas a month in 2019. Of these, 3-4 were rather major ones - Osaka, Xiamen, Jakarta, Taiwan. But targets aside, what's most important was the fact that these traveling gave me the much needed break away from work and  kept me sane and sorted through the year.

6 - Meeting my aunt

Over the past couple of years, I had come to acknowledge that my parent's generation is slowly fading away and that in no time, all of them would be gone. And I said so especially for my mum's side where almost all of her siblings have passed on. And it was a really nice surprise to be able to chance upon my 3rd aunt (my mum's sister-in-law) one day early Dec 19 when I went for lunch at Tanjong Rhu. I learned from her maid that she's 90 this year and is suffering from dementia. She couldn't recognise me when I called out to her. But she was able to recall my mum. Elated to note that her dementia is the "happy" type where she's constantly cheerful and smiling. And through the hour of my chatting with her, she kept forgetting who I was and I had to repeat again and again who I was. Sadly, when I met her again in the last week of Dec 19, her memory had deteriorated and she couldn't remember even my mum... I supposed she was stressed by the fact that her maid will be leaving for home on 31 Dec. 

7 - Re-settling my grandma & uncle

It was a promise I made to my mum - that I will re-settle my grandma and my uncle when the time comes for them to be exhumed from their graves. Their exhumation was eventually completed in Nov 19 and their new resting place is within the same block of niche that housed my parents remains too. And I had to thank my cousin (who kept my grandma's burial records) for keeping me in mind when it was time to do so. I reflected on this and came to the conclusion that after my generation (or rather, me and a couple of my cousins), no one else would be doing due diligence to upkeep the niche, nor to pay respects to my grands. And such thoughts simply reinforced my desire to just get a sea burial when my time comes and not leave anything behind other than memories for people who know me.

8 - My family outside my family

2019 was the year where all my friends from my previous company had finally moved out of the company and joined other companies. In a way, it was a milestone for us all cos our departure from the company started some 3 years back when the company was acquired by the SIA group. We all had it bad following the acquisition. Some of us left earlier whereas others bit the bullet and stayed (either to build their resume or to await better opportunities). What's significant for me was the fact that this was the group of friends who stayed together, and bonded well through these 3 years. And during this time, each of them had had their respective life's defining moments (passing on of parents, grandparents, marital issues, partner issues, etc, etc etc) and everyone were there to support the affected one when it happened. With time, many have come to treat each other like a family and a couple of them now call me "baba" quite affectionately too. 

9 - Marking a decade in corporate life

2019 marked a full decade out of the military for me. I have grown much during this period. I recalled wondering how I would ever survive the corporate world when I was preparing to leave the forces. But the transition had been easier than I had expected. I had the opportunities to work with very inspirational people who supported and guided me through the years. I will single out the boss I had when I was in the airline as well as my previous boss of my current employment. Both were easy to work with and gave me the space to exercise my leadership to my team. For the former, I will forever be grateful to her for her understanding and magnanimity in allowing me full flexibility to work from home if I needed to. Her understanding helped me through a most challenging period then when I had to balance my work and taking care of my mum. 

10 - Cleared my housing loan & bought a car

I managed to clear my housing loans after almost 25 years. Quite a sense of relieve. And with this liability removed, I was able to divert the extra cash into a new car loan... so, in a way, I'm back to square one when it comes to financial liabilities... lol! 

11 - Letting go

You know, there comes a time in your life where you feel like it is time to let go and to not be tied up with all the different attachments that hold you back - either emotionally, psychologically or otherwise. I had quite a few such moments in 2019 and I am glad I made the move to let things go. Some of the things I did include releasing Sapphie's bones into the seas, discarding my dad's bed (not because I was sentimental, but I thought one day I might find a use for it), donating a whole lot of clothes to the Salvation Army, etc... I certainly felt a whole lot lighter.

Well, the above kinda capture some of the more defining moments/ themes of 2019 for me. Rather uneventful frankly speaking. Then again, I proudly say I had indeed taken good care of myself - considering all the trips I have made. And with this, I shall name 2019 as an "uneventfully fulfilling" year. For 2020, I will want to keep things simple. I will not pressure myself with any tall resolutions. Instead, I will simply aim to be happy, and to keep my health in check.

:-)

Goodbye Nana aka Sapphie

Reflective and somewhat emotional moment to release Nana aka Sapphie’s ashes into the sea today. Would have been her 19th birthday if she’s still around... for some reasons her ashes at the base of the urn were somewhat damp. Had some difficulties getting it out. Anyway, after releasing them into the waters off the her favourite spot at the beach, I also dropped the urn into the sea. It took awhile before it sank... 

Goodbye Nana. Go free.

missing my dog

i miss sapphie...

sapphie @ home

i've been searching for a small dog figurine to place at my parent's niche at the columbarium for the longest time. finally found it two weeks ago and got it installed last week. cute right?

:-)

2016 - a year of turnarounds

2016 was a superbly crazy year for me. it was a year of contrasting extremes almost on all fronts. i lost my dog of over 15 years sapphie, and my family (my niece and nephew) in mar/apr 2016. the challenges at the workplace did not help too. the m&a the company went through in may 2016 added further to the stresses throughout the year. but on the bright side, with the gradual departures of people close to me, and the reduced jobscope meant i had a lot of time to myself and this provided me the space to travel and to just pamper myself. 2016 thus became a year where i travelled extensively - at least once a month. a back sprain i got in jul 2016 motivated me to kickstart my walking routines and this in turned helped me maintain my general well-being. i end the year on a high, looking forward to a new career in jan 2017. so, yes, lotsa extremes in the year as i capped my 4th decade and turned 50 in dec 2016. and on this note, i shall pen my reflections, starting with key ones that shaped the conditions of my life in the year.

death & losses (sapphie & family)

sapphie passed away 22 march this year. and with her demise, i had lost someone who'd been my constant source of happiness over the past 15-over years, not withstanding the fact that she was a dog. she was my family - and the only one to see me through my change of relationships, my retirement and transition to civilian life, my career changes and the lost of my parents. i started the year wanting to take good care of her and to provide as much to her as i possibly could. i knew she was old and that i had expected her to leave anytime soon. but her demise was unexpected - it happened suddenly when i was overseas. i supposed the signs were there but i didn't see it happening so suddenly. with her passing, things started to take an interesting turn with my brother's family. i had placed sapphie under their care while i went overseas and the handling of her post-life matters didn't go well with them. coupled with the brewing issues with regards the handling of my late-mum's property, my relationship with my brother took a fatal development. i decided to walk out of the toxic relationship in the end. i am no longer in contact with them, and i had thus lost all possibilities to interact with my niece and nephew. with these losses, things that i had wanted to achieve became impossible. such developments impacted me badly and prolonged the stresses i felt since 2015 where i suffered many death amongst people closest to me including that of my mum. nonetheless, their departures left a huge gap in my life and provide a lot of space and capacities for me to grow in other areas. and this, perhaps was the silver lining and a blessing in disguise for me.

work/ professional development

the acquisition of the company i worked in and the merger with a sister company provided another huge source of stress to me for the year. on that fateful day of 19 may, i was told i would be demoted two levels down, and report to someone with lesser experience than me, whilst he would in turn be promoted because he "is a good friend" of the hr hod. to worsen things, i was told to take over my executive's jobscope. this topped the already stressful work environment i was in with my previous boss. suddenly, the need to find a new job took a renewed urgent push. my inability to get a new job despite attending many interviews resulted in me getting depressed. it took me a while to come to terms with these drastic changes. nonetheless, and positively, the reduced jobscope provided me the much needed space to channel my energies onto myself. i started to take things easy, relaxed a little more, and to reinforce and refresh my basic fundamentals at work. by the start of oct 2016, i was sure my target set at the beginning of the year (i.e., to change job in 2016) would not materialise as i had a 3-month notice period. but things took a unexpected turn when i got a call sometime mid-october by a company. things developed very quickly and an offer was made by early nov. i managed to get a one-month waiver from the full 3-month notice period and will end my current employment by today. i am happy i can end this year just the way i wanted. i start with a new company next week. my next job is a hugely challenging one, both in terms of jobscope, as well as the people i have to interact and work with. but i decided to accept it as i really wanted to get out of my current company. also, the new job will provide me with new areas to challenge myself and move out of my comfort zone. so for 2017, i want to learn, and give my best to my new job.

bee

i will write a bit about bee here. frankly, i do not have much positive areas to write for this para. i started the year wanting to do my part to rebuilt what was weakened over the past years. in this regard, i do not think much was achieved. two hands can clap only if both hands are willing and make the efforts to. and i said that because in my opinion, his priorities were in his work and not on me. i was the one with lots of time and energies but for him, he had constantly committed himself to his work. i'm in the retail line, he used to say. and coupled with the added challenges he had with his mum's frequent health issues, our times together were badly affected. apart from the increased dinners together, everything else that couples do together were largely missing. many plans that we had planned together did not materialise. and many of the things that he said he wanted to do with me ended up not being honoured last minute. this included the planned holiday in sep, which was postponed to november, and again to end-december and then cancelled as he couldn't move away from his work. i had time and again told myself that i needed to manage my expectations. there'll always be disappointments when there are expectations, and i had come to the point where i don't even have expectations for his promises - he: i will pick you for breakfast - i: ok, let's see when you wake up, ok, i will just leave at 7.15am if you don't contact me by then, he: ok, i will be ok to leave for a holiday from 26 dec onwards - i: i'll book my air tickets if you still don't give a confirmation by 23 dec. all these seemed very empty and disappointing when i reflected on the "commitment" he made over the radio mid-year "that i want to spend more time with my family and loves ones"... for 2017, i will simply do my part as a partner. as for him, i can only wish for him to do his part and prioritise better between me and his work. but i know wishes are not solutions and the solutions are beyond me.

friends & colleagues

2016 was the year where there were lotsa developments for friends. for a start, i was depressed and i started to close up. i avoided people, and i avoided all my friends. i saw no point interacting and going out with them.  i didn't want to share my life with them. thus, i began to isolate myself from them. people i avoided include my uni friends as well as larry. i am still managing this as i type and i think it will take a while before i open up to them again. nonetheless, i am human and i have a social space to fill. and this space was filled by my office colleagues - colleagues that banded together after the middle of the year when the company undergo the m&a. and under the very trying and hostile conditions, the relationship of many of my colleagues and i blossomed. in fact, we got along so well that many of them address me as "baba" (or "papa" or "daddy" depending on which language you chose) affectionately. this was really a case where the line between colleagues and friends (and perhaps the concept of "family") blurred. i was really touched by their acceptance cos despite our age difference (most of them are in their 20s and a few in their 30s), they included me in their programs and activities and even went to the extend of organising a birthday retreat in hong kong in dec. i am touched by their responses to me. on top of that, i also made quite a few friends via grindr. and against what most people said, it is indeed possible to make good friends there. quite a few have gone from grindr chats to whatsapp/ line chats and shared good life experiences and lessons with me. for 2017, i will continue to expand my social space, and deepen existing friendships.

personal life & health

i was mired in lotsa challenges in the first half of the year but with the demise of sapphie, the breaking up with my brother and his family, demotion and isolation at work, and the many disappointments i had with bee. these challenges took a toll on my health and my personal life. i became depressed, my kidney stones issue caught up with me, i had a suspected heart issue in apr/ may, experienced lotsa respiratory issues especially during first 7-8 months of the year and i sprained my back in jul 2016. the backsprain shook me up a little cos i really didn't want to re-experience what i went through in 2013 where i was immobilised for a good several weeks. i started to do long walks, hike at macritchie reservoir regularly, and also began my routines of waking up at 4.30am just to walk around my area. over time, i started to include walking as part of my travel plans. i did a few mountain climbing trips to hong kong, took long walks in taiwan or simply to just walk (sometimes aimlessly) in shopping areas/ streets, just for the sake of keeping myself mobile and on the move. these activities allowed me to maintain a relatively good state of health, and helped me managed my bad back. as for my depression, i don't think i am out of it, but i am working on it. in 2017, i may not continue my long walks and definitely not able to keep my travel habits (cos i will no longer be in the airline industry) but i will certainly live healthily and maintain my well-being.

relatives

i wanted to put in more efforts to strengthen the ties with my extended family and i think this was one area that i could have done more. but i do not have any regrets here. with the year filled with all the developments at work and challenges, i was happy i was able to at least kept in contact with my existing relatives and visit them once in a while. for 2017, i will continue to maintain the relationship with my relatives.

bloggers/ blogging

at the beginning of the year, i looked at my blog entries and told myself that i will not want to use number of blogs as a target for me to achieve by the end of the year. this was something i did before (such as in 2015). nonetheless, i told myself i will continue to blog although i acknowledge the motivation to do so was really low at times. but i do recognise the positive points of blogging. it allows me to capture my life's experiences and learn from it. it also allows me to connect with my online friends, something that i admit i am not very strong in - socialising with people face-to-face. frankly, the encouragement and connections i had with some of my blogger friends provided me the much needed push when i was down and the occasional reminder that i needed to buck up when i started to wallow. so... yeah, to all of you reading this, thank you very much for everything. i may not know you nor have seen and interacted with you personally, but i do really appreciate the encouragements and support you have provided me over these years. for 2017, i will certainly continue to blog.

miscellaneous

i decide to just include this additional points here to capture the little nuggets of reflections that are significant to me but perhaps not things where i could have any productive principles/ targets that i want to set for in 2017...

• with the passing of sapphie, the contact with james has reduced to no more than perhaps season greetings/ birthday greetings. i think this may dwindle further with sapphie out of the equation now. 

• mum passed away slightly more than a year ago. since her passing, i had continued to visit her niche at least once a month. and i continue to do so. her presence (and at the same time, absence) was still felt. i started dreaming of her after a few months of her passing. dreams of her were especially frequent during the first half of the year. and in all my dreams, she didn't utter a single word. she remained quiet, and often, smiling. and i do noticed a trend that she always appear whenever i am faced with a lot of distress, mainly related to work. her appearance climaxed towards the end of the year where she appeared with a taoist deity, in the face of danger. i can only conclude one thing - that she was, and still is, my greatest source of support in my life. 

• like the above, this would have fitted in as a para on "family" but i decided against having one. i had broken off all contacts with my brother and as of today the only news i receive about my niece or nephew was through my maid. i had continued to pay her her salary and the maid levy through the year. she had informed me of her intentions to leave in dec 16 but later postpone it to jan/ feb 2017. as for my other family members, i remained in contact with my second sis. other than that, my contact with my first sis remain inconsistent and cold. but it didn't bother me.

• this piece would probably fit in in the "health/ personal life" para but it doesn't flow with the current content. i had my first experience with drugs this year. this was in addition to the increased use of poppers. for the drug intake, it was a deliberate decision i took for the experience. i was also depressed, lonely and i desperately wanted an escape. that was it. i do not think i will repeat it again. i didn't like it, but that is not the point. it is not right.

so that was the 2016 for me, a year where there were extremes in many ways, both in terms of loses as well as gains. and within the year, i can clearly divide it into 2 clear halves. all the negatives happened mostly before july. after that, many positive things happened and i am glad to say that things are really looking up as i end the year. and with this, i shall christen 2016 a year of turnarounds. i enter my 5th decade on earth in 2017 and i am sure it will be an exciting year for me.

happy 2017 everyone.

of birth & death

for 4 consecutive days, there were celebrations and commemorations to mark the two different ends of the lives of my loved ones. let's list them here

• 1 nov - bee's lunar calendar birthday
• 2 nov - bee's gregorian calendar birthday
• 3 nov - sapphie's 16th birthday (if she was still alive)
• 4 nov - mum's lunar calendar death anniversary

usually for sapphie's birthday, i would bring her to the beach to swim. it had been a routine for the 15 years of her life. and this year, i had earlier planned to throw her ashes into the sea at the location where she usually swam on her birthday. but i decided against it for sentimental reasons. tomorrow will be mum's first death anniversary. to taoists (or chinese in general), the first anniversary is significant for it officially marks the end of the mourning period. but i don't intend to engage any monks to do any prayers. i thought it'll be meaningful to just head to the columbarium to reflect and to pay my respects to her. i will head down early in the morning. i suspect my brother will do the same and so i want to avoid meeting him. no point meeting and possibly get into a fight.

time flies right?

failure to meet my 2016 targets

i started this year wanting to change my job. and i have failed. so, this is the third target that i cannot meet due to factors beyond my control, the first two related to (1) sapphie and (2) my family. for sapphie, i wanted to continue to take good care of her. the want to take care of her couldn't materialise with her passing in mar 2016. as for my family, i wanted to nurture my niece and nephew. this, too, couldn't be fulfilled following the break of relationship with my brother. that occurred in march too.  the third resolution relates to changing my job. i had set off the year wanted to change my job. and given my 3-month notice, i will need to submit my resignation by 30 sep latest. today is 1 oct...

looked like this year's gonna be a year of failures...

depression

i think i am suffering from depression.

and i said this after reflecting my behaviour over the last 3-4 months, and confirming it after googling and reading up more on depression symptoms. anti-social behaviour, lack of interest in things/ life, easily irritable, short-tempered, increased forgetfulness, substance abuse, engage in risky behaviours, decreased libido/ loss of interest in sex, etc... everything i read described me to the dot. and this realisation worries me for it had crept onto me without me even being aware of it. this was so unlike previous few occasions where i was able to control and manage myself and not allow it to spiral out of control. 

from my reflection, the consistent hits i get in my life in recent months is wearing my down and it is affecting me to the point where i am hurting my friends. and i think it started with the series of losses - starting from my mum's passing in november last year and then my dog in march this year. and this was followed quickly by the loss of my family, my niece and nephew, my maid, and then my being demoted as a result of the acquisition, potential loss of my job, the constant toxic work environment, bad health, back issues, failure to secure a new job, again and again, etc etc etc.... and it didn't do good that at work, we were literally told to just shut up and focus on our new areas of responsibilities. 

and over the last few months, i have gotten irritable, snapped at people, cut them off from my social circles, avoided some friends, kept to myself, lost interest in life, in people around me, la la la... for that matter, i had also decreased my blogging to the point of almost stopping it altogether. ok, ok... just one conclusion - depressed.

if this goes on, i'll go seek medical help.

reflecting mid-2016

it's mid-2016 and i think it is a useful time to consolidate what i had set out since the start of the year. here's a quick one.

personal life

> increase my focus to enrich my personal life and invest in more quality me-time

i have given myself the space-out time, i have given myself the space to do what i wanted to do and i have stretched my boundaries, but i remained aimless and it was, and still is, eating into me. this was made worst by the passing of sapphie. as of now, and together with work-related issues, things have to a point where i suffer insomnia and along with it comes all sorts of health issues. i need to find a sense of direction in my life again. 

bee

> do my part to rebuilt what was weakened over the pass years

it will take both hands to clap and i think there are more work to be done in this area.

sapphie

> continue to take good care of her

i use red for this para as sapphie passed away 22 march 2016 and thus bring an abrupt end to this guide for the year. her passing was another blow to my life just about 4 months after mum left me. it was especially bad for me as she left me when i was overseas. i have not gotten used to her absence as yet.

family

> nurture my niece and nephew

similar to the above, i used red for this para as i consider this a closed chapter. for now, at least. it is a deliberate decision to stop all interactions with my brother due to the toxicity of the relationship. and with this comes the natural end to the possibilities of interacting and ability to influence the growing of my beloved niece and nephew. so this becomes another loss to me.

relatives

> put in more efforts to strengthen the ties with my extended family

i have yet to fully fulfil this aspect of my life although i must say i have increased the efforts to interact with them. 

health

> live healthily

i have not been able to achieve this given the constant sickness over the pass few months. my health took a nosedive over the last month with 2 visits to the a&e department for chest tightness and kidney stones. my colleague suggested to me that my health issues were to a large part psychosomatic and i tend to agree with her. so this is one area i need to really work on. let's hope this goes away soon.

work/ professional development

> get a new job, move to a new company

frankly, i had almost wanted to give up looking for a job when the transport company told me they will not be pursuing my candidacy. but given the recent developments in my workplace, i have renewed my job search process and i really hope to be able to move to a new company soon. perhaps this will also help clear my health issues? heh...

friends

> build and strengthen the relationships amongst my circle of friends, and if possible, expand my network of friends

this perhaps is one of the positive aspects for me this year. at work, there are a lot of positive development and my colleagues are getting rather close to me. also outside, there are also a little more interactions with people around me.

bloggers/ blogging

> continue to blog

yup, i have continued to blog. but i must say this - the motivation level had dropped and i do often end up blogging only on weekends. nonetheless, i see this as a temporary downtime cos blogging is something i believe i will continue to do.

a meaningful saturday

saturday was a really meaningful one for me personally. in one trip, i managed to donate sapphie's bowls, paid respects to all the elders in my extended family and gave all the documents to my brother. 

i had wanted to pay respects to my elders for the longest time and finally got about doing it yesterday. i visited the mandai columbarium to pay respects to my late second aunt and uncle (my mum's second sis and her husband). my uncle had passed away less than a month after mum and thus we were not told of his passing. and as i was overseas when they commemorated the 100th day of his passing, i could not be there. so, i have been telling myself that i need to at least pay a visit to the niche to pay my respects to him. it was way overdue. i was happy to see him finally resting in peace and reunited with my aunt.

i also went to the choa chu kang columbarium to pay respects to my parents. i did not go there during tomb sweeping day and thought i should pay them a belated visit. also, with the recent happenings between my brother and i, i felt it was right for me to pay them a visit. but no, my visit was not to seek forgiveness nor to get any agreement. there was no such requirements for i did not do anything wrong. my parents may be gone, but being physically there next to their remains has a calming effect on me. i brought along some flowers to place on their niche too and as i did so, i noted someone had place some flowers there too. managed to also brush off the ashes and dust that had settled on the existing floral arrangements (that i arranged using the flowers from the wreath of mum's funeral). thought they looked very pretty.

as i was at the choa chu kang columbarium, i also made a visit to pay my respects to my paternal grandparents and placed some flowers onto their niche too. i would previously bring mum to pay respects to them but i had not done so since her passing. and thus, i thought it was high time i pay them a visit. last but not least, i also placed some flowers onto the niche of my mum's third sister. it had been slightly more than 12 years since she passed away, but looking at her photo, it seemed like just not too long ago when i spoke with her.

it was a trip that brought my one round the island. but it was a meaningful one for me. i felt very at peace after the trip, and i must add, somewhat emotional. it was indeed a good saturday.

sapphie's death certificate

such a cute looking certificate right?

:-)

how things deteriorated...

when i came back from hong kong, sapphie had passed away. i didn't visit my brother's place as i was down with conjunctivitis. and as it was tomb sweeping day, i purchased the needful and left it at their house, leaving a message before i left. i was still reeling from sapphie's passing and didn't want to talk to my brother, much less head to the columbarium and face the crowd. i texted my sis-in-law the following week to check if they were home. i had wanted to visit them but she didn't reply my text messages. my attempts to call her were also unsuccessful as the phone was switched off. so finally, i decided to pay them a visit last saturday. and it was during this visit that i learnt about how everything had deteriorated to the point of no return... here's what happened.

i arrived at the house and knocked on the door. usually, my sis-in-law would open the door within seconds and as she did so, she'd ask the children to come get me. this time round, i had to wait for a couple of minutes before the maid opened the door. when i entered the house, my brother walked towards me in a hostile manner and spoke with me in a half-raised voice. give me back the hdb letter, he said. i will move back and sell this place. i will use the money to raise the kids.... he bellowed. and next thing i knew, he told me i needed to do the maid transfer, insisting that i had held back the process. i told him i will check and get back to him. he left the house shortly after that. as he did, my niece and nephew were climbing all over me and asking me to play with them, which i did. 

i followed the kids to their room as was the usual play routine. and as i entered the room, i noted my sis-in-law lying in the bed in the master bedroom, her face away from me. i assumed she was asleep and didn't call out to her. and as i played with the kids, my maid came in to the room and she said my sis-in-law had left the house. i sensed something amiss and asked if there were some things she wanted to tell me. and that was when she started telling me the story... she was clearly very upset and went on and on non-stop about "this is your family issues and i don't want to say too much"... i didn't quite catch what she was muttering as her english was not too good. but through the splattering of comprehensible words, here's what i managed to pieced out:

• your brother and his wife everyday quarrel, and now his wife is now on his side and she's not happy with you. his wife now says you always like to throw ah ma (my mum) and sapphie with them whenever you don't want to look after them. also, you even throw me (the maid) to them becos you don't want a maid.

• when sapphie die, your brother not happy, he want to bring sapphie and throw her away or dig a hole and bury her. i tell them cannot because if throw away how to cancel license. they call the uncle (undertaker) at night but nobody answer the phone until next day. uncle only come after sometime to bring the dog to burn.

• his wife not happy you asked her to look after the dog but then you ask your friend to take the bones home. your brother say after ah ma die, you anyhow let other people stay in your house.

as i listened to her, i started to feel very uncomfortable. as for the maid, she got a little emotional and said she wanted to leave after a year. i didn't say much except to tell her to let things be. i walked out of the room and it was then that i noticed the things i bought for tomb sweeping was still in the house and i asked if they had gone to pay respects to mum. and that was when i learnt that they had in fact gone ahead to pay respects to my mum when i was away. and they did not even inform me about it. i started feeling rather uncomfortable and sat there quietly as i thought through what the maid said earlier. i reflected through the years of unsaid tensions and when i finally pieced the story together, everything fell into place. 

my mum had previously insisted that bee and his mum wanted to cheat me of my property. i am quite certain mum had shared this with my brother and that the sudden change in mind to want to take over the flat was related to this. and the urgency was there because he now thinks bee is already staying with me (as he has the house keys and can bring the dog's ashes home when i was overseas) and thus the likelihood of losing the property is real, just like what mum had warned. my brother had, since prior to my dad's passing brought out issues of my sexuality. and it didn't help that because of my mum's dementia, she had been telling them all sorts of untruth about bee (as she had wrongfully used him to represent her nemesis from her younger days).

it also dawned upon me at that point in time that my sis-in-law had left the house earlier because she didn't want to talk to me. i concluded from my niece's inputs that my sis-in-law had switched off her phone (presumably to avoid my calls). and with all these inputs, i concluded my sis-in-law will not return home for as long as i was there. by this time, i felt highly uncomfortable and decided to leave the house immediately. i felt highly unwelcomed in that house and that i had overstayed. it was indeed deeply regrettable, but i decided to leave it as it was. there was just too much hate in this whole affair. the whole thing had gotten too toxic for me and i don't think i want to partake in this anymore. my only regret is that the two adorable kids will not be able to grow up in a healthy environment.

清明2016

this year's 清明节 (tomb-sweeping day) will fall on 4 apr 2016, tomorrow. in singapore (and i am not about its practice elsewhere), we will head to the cemetery/ columbarium, etc to pay respects to our deceased members of our families and it can be done up to 10 days before and up to 10 days after the actual day. that is to say, there is a window of 21 days to commemorate 清明节 every year. 

for mum, it will be her first 清明节 and we've been advised by the undertaker previously that we have to commemorate it early, before the actual day and that means latest by today (3 apr 2016). frankly, i don't wish to do it. i find it a terrible hassle to head to the place to do all the prayers etc. it is rather meaningless as i personally think the person exist in the heart and that heading to the columbarium to pay respects is not needed. perhaps it is relevant during the days when cemeteries were far away and where people visit tombs once a year. but in today's context, i personally think it'll be more important to remember the person rather than the act of going to the tomb (or for that matter, the columbarium). nonetheless, in the spirit of traditions and fulfilling my duties as the son, i will would have to do it. yet on the other hand, i don't feel too good about it. have been feeling rather down lately. am still reeling from sapphie's death and frankly have not fully adjusted to a house without her. and with the undercurrents with my brother (especially over the house my mum left behind, and the maid), i really do not wish to see him. also, whenever it comes to tomb-sweeping day, he will also have this differences in view about paying respects to my grandparents too. for me, i will do it, but for him, he liked to transfer his tensions towards my aunts onto my late grandparents and thus refused to pay respects to them. that had always been a source of anger for my mum when she was alive. but well... added to all these, i have not fully recovered from my recent bout of conjunctivitis and am still a little feverish. well, the redness has largely cleared, but there were a couple of small sty that appeared and its not very comfortable. 

in the end, and balancing all the factors above, i decided to tell my brother i won't be going for to the columbarium (using my health as an excuse). nonetheless, i purchased all the joss papers, boxes, etc and passed them to him yesterday. i dropped them outside his residence and i left. and for some reasons, when i left his house, i felt a little overwhelmed with emotions and i cried as i drove home. memories of my mum came crashing back... yup, one of those moments again. although it hardly happens these days.

sighs.

go forth, do the needful

positively, i told myself that someone up there is telling me to go forth and do what i needed to do for myself. i had, for the last 15-over years committed myself to take care of my parents and dog, and often a times, i had placed their priorities above mine. it is time to start to look at my own priorities and to do what i want, without worrying about my charges. there's no need to now.

and i thanked them for giving me life's precious lessons. lessons of patience, anger management, unconditional love, of the joys of being compassionate, of selflessness, of sacrifices, and many more. lessons where no amount of monies can buy. they have prepared me well to go forth now, i supposed.

look forward, be purposeful, keep happy...

sapphie & the lives she touched

it was interesting how everyone reacted with shocked when i shared with them about sapphie's passing. comments such as omgosh, what??!!!, etc were common. and almost immediately after that, my family, close friends and neighbours began to talk about how they adored her, and their encounters with her, and so on. for that matter, bee's mum cried when she watched the video of sapphie's cremation! it was something kinda unexpected frankly. but to get such reactions reflect how much sapphie managed to touch the lives of the people she interacted with. that was my sapphie. good tempered, and adored by many, if not all. up to her very last day. for that matter, she even made my nephew cry.

above all, she was the only family member that was with me through the thick and thins of my life over the last 15-over years. she was with me during my happy and not-so-happy days with james, as well as the eventual break-up. she was with me when bee and i build our relationship, our ups and downs, and she was there throughout the period when i had to look after my parents, both of whom had passed away. she was there as i served my final years in the military and transited into a corporate person. she had seen me at my best, and my worst. and throughout all these times, she stayed with me. she had her moments when she was disobedient and i would scold (and at times slap her thighs). but she stayed with me, always non-judgemental (then again, she didn't have a choice, did she... heh).

i came home to a empty house after 5 days away. the first thing that caught my eyes was a huge blue urn sitting on my dining table. i took a look at her bones. they looked like chicken wings (frankly) and i was kinda surprised there was so much of it. there was this feeling of intense sadness as i looked at it, and as i noted her dog pellets still found on the floor (she's a messy eater) as well as the huge amount of fur that she shed daily. she's no more alive i reminded myself. i didn't want any of my grieve to control me as i started to throw away her remaining dog food, swept the floor, discarded her medication, and her shampoo etc. oh, as i discarded her shampoo, i noted it was near empty, i had just given her a good shower the day before she died. i took a sniff, and i was reminded of her... i couldn't sleep last night. the house was too quiet. there was no sounds of dog nails hitting the parquet flooring in my bedroom, there was no occasional noise that she'd make whenever she dreams (of dog dreams). 

i will miss her. i already did.