second best?

there’s a difference between telling a person you are committed and asking for time alone vs making a person feel second best.

new role

i mentioned about the new role that my chief has created previously. she had spoken with me about  it and asked about my interest in it. after some considerations and chat with my boss, i've decided to accept it.  it took me a while to decide and the reasons i accepted it are as follows:

• firstly, it gives me a break from my current role - a role that is getting increasingly routine and uninterestingly. to be objective about it, i am good at what i am doing but i find myself getting rather bored by it. 
• secondly, i personally think a break from my current role is refreshing and it allows me to be able to re-define and re-build myself. i have been in my current space for the last decade and i think my space will get increasingly challenged by digitalisation. the opportunity to reinvent myself would be useful.
• thirdly, my boss clarified that i will continue to work under her. this is an important factor for me. i get along really well with her and we complement each other very well; and this leads to my last point...
• the stress level will be there still, but it will be very creative in nature (positive stress) given the newness of the role. in such context, it is important for me to be able to worry less about stress from unreasonable expectations/ stress that is relationship in nature.

above all, there is one thing constant, regardless of whether i stay in my current role or move over to a new role - my health. i rationalised that all things being equal, the new role will be a lesser evil from the perspective of stress and if my health were to deteriorate, i always have the flexibility to resign and move on. so... yeah, wish me luck. things are likely to be different in the months ahead. let's see how it goes.

too old? too bad...

don't think i blogged about this previously but was reminded of it when i read another blog earlier on about gay guys not reflecting their real age in grindr. for me, i started off being totally anonymous some years back as i wanted to maintain my privacy. but over time, i've gotten comfortable with being more upfront and about 2 years ago, i started showing my own photos in the app (i usually do not put my age). so, this is the context of my post here.

last month, while having my breakfast, someone texted me in grindr (that was about 7.45am). the profile showed a nice lean bod with beautifully smooth and tanned skin. the age reflected 38. that person started off nicely and i acknowledged his connection by greeting him back - you know, those basic niceties of good morning and stuff. he continued chatting with those usual "how are you", "what's up?" kinda exchanges and it was not long before he started to ask about sex. "are you top or bottom", "what do you like to do" etc. i didn't give any explicit responses but simply gave short ambiguous answers. this went on through the day and his messages kept coming. as i was working, i only replied him when i am free (that means one or 2 replies per hour). as the conversation progressed, he started asking more explicit questions. i didn't really engage in the conversation as i was working and i believed he sensed my unwillingness to do so and he started telling me about himself - how he enjoys sucking, pleasuring people, etc etc etc. for some reasons, it felt like he was trying to impress me and through the day, he kept asking if he can meet up with me for fun. i was at work and told him so but his messages continued to come in quite fast and furious. frankly, it was quite flattering to get such interest from someone his age. it was not until about 5.30pm when i replied and asked if he's into mature men... cos i said "i am one". i shared that many are looking for young men in grindr and i am not exactly young (as could be seen from my profile pic). i said i wanted to be upfront to avoid any discomfort in the conversation or in the eventuality that we do meet up.

that was when he took a pause and asked - how "young" are you? i simply replied "51". i continued composing my next message to ask if he's ok, but before i could even finish composing my message, i got blocked by him. frankly, it came as a surprise, considering my photo was in full view, and he had, through the day been overly enthusiastic about wanting to know me and to see me. but after the momentary surprise, i simply brushed off this person. not my fault for being myself. too bad he has the mental block about older guys. his loss...

:-)

encore melaka

made a weekend trip with my friends to melaka to watch "encore melaka". was rather disappointed by the whole experience...

frankly, i think melaka is not ready for such a performance. the production was positioned and touted as a high-end performance that brings out the origins and culture of melaka. my friends and i decided to dress up for the performance - just like how we would do if it was a performance in the singapore esplanade or the sydney opera house.

i started feeling something was not right when we arrived. many were dressed very casually - in round neck t-shirt and berms. there were even a few who looked like they were dressed for the wet market. and we got the brunt of the bad behaviour when the show started and people starting clapping for no reasons. to make it worst, a lot of people in the audience whipped out their mobile and video-ed the performance throughout the show - and they didn't even dim their mobile lights! anyway... it was such a negative experience!

but to be fair, i must say the production started off really well. the visuals, the use of technology, the drums, the performers... it was really good. the story of melaka's origin was put across superbly! then everything went downhill after that. the depiction of the nonya and babas, and the re-enactment of the peranakan wedding was a huge disappointment. there was no grace in the nonya's movements, the behaviours of the bride and groom was anything but respectful. the whole segment came off very colourful but totally flat and inaccurate culturally. things got worst as the show progressed.

the whole unfolding of scenes were bad, the sound system was inconsistent - at times too loud, and at times, there were awkward silences.

new word

i learned a new word recently - barley som

possible new role

my big boss has asked me to consider a new role that she will be creating for the company. the job scope seemed rather interesting. but being a new role and that the things this role is required to undertake, i can expect it to be superbly challenging and stressful. ironically, my boss told me she highly recommended me for this role as she felt it would give my health (and heart) a break as my current job size is superbly huge.

i am supposed to give my big boss an answer this coming week. i am half inclined to accept it for simple reason that being a new role, i have the flexibility to shape it according to how i think it should be shaped. in perspective, i had already planned to resign by end of the year cos i really want  to prioritise my health over my work, and give myself a break. so, if this new role doesn't work out, i always have the option to resign.

you think?

miserable weekend

this weekend was rather miserable for me - had the holter's device hooked onto me (to monitor my heart rate), medical check ups, long duration of being alone, loads of work piling up (but i refused to work on it given that it's weekend), etc. saturday night was not easy. had insomnia, so many things in my mind - work, personal life, people, etc... did not sleep well, or for that matter, hardly slept at all through the night. woke up on sunday at 7am feeling groggy and sleepy (due to lack of sleep). went for breakfast and do my weekly routine visits to the cemetery. came back and crashed. had my dinner alone at the nearby eatery... think i'll sleep early. gonna be a long week ahead.

i have to be cheerful! it'll be a good week!

health update

my heart palpitations has gotten somewhat worse over the last two weeks. and during this period, i saw both consultants at the national heart center (nhc) as well as by my company's panel cardiologist. and more tests... both came to somewhat similar conclusion and recommendations:

• that my heart palpitations were most likely genetic in nature (my whole family has it); and
• that my stressful environment could have played a major role to trigger it off

i was advised against taking coffee, tea, alcohol, etc and put on medication to regulate my heart beat. the panel specialist gave me additional medication to thin my blood as he wanted to have the additional safeguard against possible stroke. also, both nhc and the panel cardiologist strongly urged me to consider undergoing ablation - a simple keyhole procedure to burn off the "malfunctioning" nerves in the heart. ablation, as explained, would be the best possible cure for my palpitations but of cos it carries with it a small percentage of risk. 

i think i'll go for it.

things getting even more intense

things are work are getting so much more intense now cos the many many projects are piling. everyone is getting really anxious about whats' to come in the coming months.  to give you a hint of the magnitude of what's coming up - at least 7-8 global events, almost non-stop back-to-back, and at least one that will involve inviting a ministerial-level guest. and my boss is feeling all so horrible to have to put me through these given my current state of health. then again, there is nothing she can do about it cos the planning have all been set in motion and the events announced.

wish me luck.

ant-man and the wasp

enjoyed this show tremendously. excited to see the end-credit and the show clip. looks like the next avengers movie is gonna weave this show and thanos together. so looking forward to it.

incredibles 2

after a decade since the release of the first incredibles, i was really looking forward to watch this. and despite the relatively slow start and somewhat uneven pace, i found the show to be really fun. and of cos the highlight of the show was the baby! such a cute boy! 

death a-calling again

once a while, you go through a period where death comes to many people around you. it happened to me in 2015/2016 where in the span of 7-8 months, i lost 7-8 people around me. these people were either directly related to me or to people within my immediate circle. during that time, i was so numbed by death’s visits that i wasn’t anymore surprised if one more bit the dust. gradually, death stopped visiting. until now...

just last week, two of my friends lost their parents and this morning, i woke up to an email from a close friend telling me she had just lose her younger son.

my heart goes out to them.