2013 - a year of contrast

after some thoughts, i have decided to call 2013 a year of contrast. and i came to this term after i took a look at the descriptors of my previous year's annual entries. and in comparison (and contrast), i thought 2013 was very different indeed, both in terms of how i had spend it, and how it turned out to be. like all other years, there were both ups and downs in 2013, but as a whole it was certainly a good year. this, by itself, was a great contrast compared to all my previous years. on the same token, there was also a very contrasting difference between my work-life and my home-life. for the former, it was certainly very good, but for the latter, it was full of ups and downs. thinking about it, i could perhaps attribute the good outcome to the fact that i was more focused in what i wanted to achieve and the constant reminders of my priorities that was posted in the blog since the start of the year. it had certainly kept me on track. of course there were many areas that were beyond my control and screwed things up for me and it frustrated me when that happened. nonetheless, i simply ventilated and move on. most importantly, in 2013, i have learned how to manage myself better. ok, i shall not go further but to start my reflections using the list of items i had put forth at the start of the year.

personal life 

i had wanted to lead a more balanced life. this was one area that i thought i had come to terms with. when i listed this as a focus last year, i was rather angsty, considering i was adapting to mum's sudden deterioration in her mental health and my total lost of freedom to do what i wanted to do and what i like with my time, going out with friends etc. frankly, as i struggled with finding a balance given mum's constant change in mental states, i came to the realization that it all boiled down to me and my own expectations and my wants. and that if i could calibrate my expectations and not be so attached to my wants, i would be able to better manage myself. nonetheless, i will want to keep this as my 2014 focus albeit a slight reframing. i think it would be easier now that i have a maid and that she would be able to help me balance out my time and energies. so, yes, for 2014, i will better manage my priorities so that i can continue to have a meaningful self-time without sacrificing the quality of my commitments to the people around me.

spiritual life

reflecting back, i had inserted this cos i thought it is something i want to make explicit (yes, for the sake of identifying myself as a buddhist) as well as to remind myself about my faith and my obligations. and admittedly, when i did my first quarter reflections, this sentence had kept me wondering what i meant when i wrote "practice buddhism well". should i make deliberate journeys to the temple? should i make deliberate attempts to observe rituals? i eventually realized that to practice my faith well, i should instead focus more towards internalizing the values and teachings rather than focus on the rituals. with that clarity, i simply live my life well and tried my best to fulfill my obligations as a son, a buddhist, a friend, etc to people around me. this reminded me of a phrase shared to me by my venerable during one of her lessons where she related a story about how buddha suggested that a true buddhist would no longer be attached to the concept of buddhism. if i were to now paraphrase this sentence, it simply means, "a good buddhist" should be "a good person" for the definition of "a good person" is the fundamental meaning of "a good buddhist". in this regard, i have experienced what i had known. and this experiential learning had helped me progressed further in my understanding of what a good buddhist mean. moving ahead, i will continue to be a good person. i will embed and frame this as part of all my other foci for 2014 and no longer as a standalone focus. "being a good buddhist" makes no meaning to me now if it is a standalone concept. rather, it must be applied in our day-to-day conduct. 

health

i wanted to be more positive and exercise regularly for 2013. am i more positive now? i give it a resounding yes! did i exercise more regularly? i would say yes too, although not as resounding in terms of the intensity or efforts. this was something that was slightly beyond me and admittedly, i got lazy after time and have not placed exercising as a high priority eventually. truth be told, when i started off the year, i was in the pink of health and ran almost everyday, at times, even up to 12km. but reflecting, i had perhaps gotten a little too caught on about running and over exerted myself somewhat. coupled with my lack of mindfulness in my movements, i suffered a sprained back end-feb that incapacitated me for a good half year. it was a huge set-back for me. when i was sufficiently well to do slow jogs, the haze set in (in jun), and then the series of mum's illnesses, and then work, etc. yup, apart from the back sprain and the haze that was beyond me, i admit many of the other reasons all sounded more like excuses. so, let's just not beat about the bush and call a spade a spade. i did not do as well insofar as doing more exercising. for 2014, i would like to reframe this focus. instead of just wanting to exercise more, i shall framed it as i want to be healthy. there are two broad aspects to health that i want to look at. firstly, physical health. i will be more mindful about my diet, my exercise regime, and intensity. secondly, mental health. overall, i want to be happy. happier than 2013 (and i reckon if i can live up to my personal life focus, i will be able to fulfill this)...

family

there are many different personalities in this concept of "family" for i have defined it to include my mum, my siblings, bee and my dog, sapphie.

for my mum, she is my responsibility. as expected, she was a huge handful this whole year. through the year, she had major mood swings, a total of five hospitalizations (starting from aug, oct, nov, dec, and dec again) and the almost-monthly medical appointments (for issues related to her mental health, her eye, her internal medicine, her osteoporosis, etc). these demands took a huge toll on me. nonetheless, i have fulfilled what i had set out to do for her in 2013, thanks to many supportive people (esp my boss). certainly, there were many frustrations and anger involved but i think i had done my best. for the negatives that happened, i have accepted and learned from it. to myself i say, i forgive myself and i will learn from where i had fallen short. objectively speaking, for 2014, i am pessimistic about my mum's health and half-expect her to leave us. and i say so because in recent months, the intensity of hospitalization has increased and the duration between each hospitalization has shortened. even the doctors that had been seeing her frequently has taken the precaution to shorten the review from once every 6 months to once every 2 months. but let's see how things go. for a start, i have gotten a maid and she had provided me peace of mind when i head to work and when i need to leave mum alone. but to the question of how will it pan out, i do not know cos it will depend a lot on mum's paranoia. as it stands, signs are already pointing to mum being uncomfortable with her. whatever the case, i will continue to provide for her to my best abilities. period. 

for bee. i wanted to spend meaningful time with him but i think i have fallen short. for a start, the time with mum continue to exert a huge pressure on me. but through the year, i was able to somewhat find time to meet up with him for shows, meals etc weekly. nonetheless, as time went by, this became somewhat routine. i need to see how our times together can be better spend and to better connect with each other. also, i also recognize that my ability to spend quality time with him must also be meaningful to him. in this regard, i dare not totally say if i had been able to do so. for example, throughout the year, he was troubled and many a times bogged down by his family issues. these are areas that i cannot help and often not willing to help especially if it involved his financial issues that were many a times caused by his brother. to me, helping his brother solve his financial issues by extending financial aid (not that i have the means) would be doing him a disfavor in the longer run. and frankly, i am not in a good position due to my limited means and i usually end up having to forgo other priorities and commitments. so, it is still something i am not too sure how i could come in other than emotional and moral support. next year, rather than me framing as i want to spend quality time with him, i shall reframe it to i shall work with him to see how best we can make our time together meaningful. after all, both hands need to clap in unison to get the relationship going. 

as for sapphie my dog, she turned 13 years old this year, ripe old age for a dog. but certainly she didn't behave like one. she's still so bubbly, attention seeking and at times, annoying! haha! well, i committed myself to give her more quality time in 2013. have i done it. well, i can say yes to this. i think this year, i have brought her out to swim more than any previous years. and she did not even fall sick a single time this year too! and for that, i do think i have done well in this area. of cos, as i typed this paragraph, i was constantly reminded of her forlorn face whenever i go out. i will always feel guilty about not bringing her along with me whenever it happened (and it happened everyday!). but of cos, as a whole, i had given her what i could for the year. i will continue to give her love and good quality care in 2014.

i wanted to build on good relationships with siblings at the start of 2013. have i progressed? i do not think so. if any, i would say the results were somewhat mixed. my relationship with my eldest sis was non-existent. heh… as i said, it takes two hands to clap. and if she refused to do so, i couldn't do anything. but of cos, i did not try to make the relationship any worse. as for my second sis, i had continued to share my thoughts with her with regards the need to place more priorities in areas that i felt were important lest she regrets it later. and specifically i am referring to the need to place higher priorities to her health, her family and mum instead of her job. somehow, despite all the things that happened, she failed to see that her family had been breaking apart due to her misplaced priorities. i tried to reiterate my points when she was diagnosed with cancer and when she broke her little toe. but somehow she failed to see the logic. as for her attitude towards mum, admittedly, i got very frustrated with her many a times about how irresponsible she was when it came to taking care of mum, such as how she promised to look after and keep an eye on mum but in the end did not turn up citing work as her priority. then again, i recognized it is her choice. i could only share my point of view and give suggestions. what's important is that she takes ownership of her decisions. as for my brother, i could only say, i have given up on him. i have always been a target of verbal assault at his whims and fancies and depending on his moods. i need to learn how to better ignore him and reduce getting myself affected by his accusations. of cos, apart from all the age-old inter-sibling dissatisfactions caused by my parents, it didn't help by the fact that both my eldest sis and my brother tend to take what my mum say as real and factual, without taking into consideration that what she said was many a times untrue and a result of her paranoia (e.g., i had gone out many a times with bad people to harm her). that really exacerbate the bad blood between us. for 2014, i will not have any expectations of my siblings - be it to improve relationship, to look after mum, to help out financially, etc. no expectations mean no disappointments. i will just want to focus my responsibilities to my mum and keep them inform of developments. 

work 

this is one major success area for me this year. despite the not too good start at the beginning of the year where i was faced with job search challenges, things eventually panned out rather smoothly. and i could not thank my ex-colleague well enough for this. i started my new job on 1 apr and went on to recruit a committed and self-motivated staff as part of my team. i was also blessed with a great supportive boss. never had i experienced such a compassionate person before who could put herself into my shoes and understood the challenges i faced. it is such a contrast to all my other bosses in my previous jobs, especially the one in my previous employment that deemed my mum a problem and an obstacle to my contributions to the company! i look forward to working with them and to strengthen my team and deepen our professional relationship in 2014 (i had initially wanted to put "get a promotion" but really, this is a wish and not a focus… so… haha!).

friends & close colleagues 

did i have an increased interaction opportunities with them? i supposed i did. actually, there were not many outside office hours interaction opportunities! haha! but certainly, for my new colleagues, the interactions were really good and that everyone worked well with one another. i will continue to do so for 2014 (as reflected above). as for friends, i would say the interaction levels were somewhat similar to last year. all the birthday celebrations, dinners, etc. i supposed this was to be expected as all of us had gravitated towards a common annual routine after knowing each other for so many decades. heh… and one thing i observed was that although my friends and i might not meet that often, old friends somehow remember each other and would drop notse/ smses/ facebook messages, etc once a while to say hello and to keep in touch. this reinforced my belief that we are all social creatures and always will have the need to connect to a larger community regardless of introvert we are. in this regard, in 2014, i commit to do my part and to continue to further engage my friends.

bloggers  

i made the commitment to continue blogging this year and i had done so. and as i had framed in one of my previous post-grad research on blogging, when a person blogs, two conversations occur - within self and with a community of bloggers. for the former, the conversation had occurred in my head as i journal my life online and provided me an avenue to ventilate, reflect, learn and sense-make my life. as for the conversations with the online community, i must say that i was blessed to have established online friendship with many of my blog readers. some had gone on to exchange contacts and even added each other in facebook. i am thankful to every single one of my readers. through their comments and selfless sharing, they have given me the support and the push when things were down. 2014 will be the ninth year of blogging and it had become a habit for me to do so regularly. i do look forward to continue to get to know my online friends better in 2014, get to know more friends and if wherever possible to also be a pillar of support for them.

at this juncture, let me list and thank my online friends/ readers who had commented in this blog in 2013. and in no particular order, they were shadow wind aka jung of your shadow companion (you deleted me off fb! heh…), jason of a little glimpse into my life (you've been quiet lately… write! write!), soul232 of my second life (i am sure 2014 will be better for you!), sharks of diurnal sharks (thanks for the friendship!), savante of bedtime stories (whose writing i thoroughly enjoyed), edwin (thank you so much for all the support! your constant words of encouragement and sharing have been most useful and i do truly appreciate them!), tempus (i find you familiar… are you also in bw?), steve (my medical expert and advisor! thanks for all the sharing!), tuls of tuls quote of wisdom (i still think your nick should be in the present tense! haha!), dazzakoh (thanks for your sharing sir!), harry (yes, i remember you and your comments! much appreciated), malimo of runaway boy (you've been relatively quiet too huh? and yes, i still have not written an entry based on your fb comment!), leonut of ranting of the boy (continue writing! always enjoy reading your reflections), chinese prick of poetic tears (wei wei… halo? halo?), germs of (what else) germs (i so look forward to meeting you in feb!), natkean (i am sure 2014 will be better for you!), shyc (hi fellow-bwer! hope you are doing well!), jokerpj of old new journey (missed your writings, but well, don't stress, do keep in touch over line or whatsapp!), johnathon tee (hmmm, lost you once i arrived at kl!), ladybird (how's everything? your son and family ok?), dilbert (hope life's been good), karsten (hello, your car ok now?), zachary, sam, nick, nicky, ahwee, cherub, sunshineyetwindy, arthur, bulge, river, cy, mj, and a list of anonymous blog readers who took the time and effort to add a comment here and there!

i had started 2013 with a list of focus that served as guiding principles for me through 2013. this was something i had never done before cos prior to 2013, my annual reflections were usually based on a recollection and lessons learned about life's events that happened in the year. those reflections and learning were primarily passive in nature. for 2014, i will go one step further. i shall up my stake. i shall adopt a proactive approach and start with an end in mind. so let me start by deciding what adjective i want to use for 2014 and name the year with an active phrase instead. by this time on 31 dec 2014, i will be writing my annual reflection and the title will read... 

2014 - a fulfilling year!

happy new year everyone!