listening to the stories told by my mum (about her early days, difficulties with my grands, child-bearing years), it was no wonder that i grew up bearing a very strong hatred towards my grandma. i couldn't make sense of why my mum bothered to continue to look after my grandma when she was old. i couldn't make sense of why she went through all the troubles to take care of my grandma, bathe her, clothed her, and tended to her every needs during my grandma's last days. i couldn't understand her even after she explained to me that it was her duty to do so as a daughter-in-law.
and this is one thing about my mum that i really admired. her sense of duty - that once you marry into a family, you stick by it.
despite the many times she left home when i was a little boy, she would returned after a few days. she just couldn't bear the thought of leaving my dad for good. call it stupid call it foolish, whatever you term it, she had stuck by my dad and his family. time and again when i asked her why, she kept telling me it is cos she had married my dad and that based on a fortune teller's advise, if she were to endure, she would be able to last a lifetime with my dad. she did.
i was closer to my mum, my dad was an invisible character given the fact that he worked shifts. her story telling also had a very strong but negative effect on me. from her stories, i naively ended up expressing my dislike for my grandma by resisting anything chinese/ hokkien. for example, when i was a boy, i would try to identify myself more as peranakan instead of hokkien. i would wear sarong, listen to malay songs, dance the joget, sing the dondang sayang, etc... everything i did, it was simply out of spite. in a way, i denied my own chineseness.
these were the key factors that influenced my identity during my formative years. my dislike for all things chinese lasted until my junior college days when i re-discover chinese culture all over again.
and this is one thing about my mum that i really admired. her sense of duty - that once you marry into a family, you stick by it.
despite the many times she left home when i was a little boy, she would returned after a few days. she just couldn't bear the thought of leaving my dad for good. call it stupid call it foolish, whatever you term it, she had stuck by my dad and his family. time and again when i asked her why, she kept telling me it is cos she had married my dad and that based on a fortune teller's advise, if she were to endure, she would be able to last a lifetime with my dad. she did.
i was closer to my mum, my dad was an invisible character given the fact that he worked shifts. her story telling also had a very strong but negative effect on me. from her stories, i naively ended up expressing my dislike for my grandma by resisting anything chinese/ hokkien. for example, when i was a boy, i would try to identify myself more as peranakan instead of hokkien. i would wear sarong, listen to malay songs, dance the joget, sing the dondang sayang, etc... everything i did, it was simply out of spite. in a way, i denied my own chineseness.
these were the key factors that influenced my identity during my formative years. my dislike for all things chinese lasted until my junior college days when i re-discover chinese culture all over again.
No comments:
Post a Comment