being "interviewed" by msd

i was interrogated by the military security department for being gay in may 2005. read on...

during the call, i was asked to go for the "interview" 2 days later. as arranged, i was to report to the department at 8.30am. i arrived early. and nervously, i made my way up to the office. 5th floor, i reminded myself. when the lift opened, i was faced with a glass door. press the door-bell and wait for a response i recalled the lady remind me. i did exactly that and waited. and soon enough a staff appeared and led me through a cold dead-looking corridor. and i was shown to a small equally cold feeling room. i was asked to take a seat while i await from my "interviewers". the room was simply furnished. a table with a desktop, and 2 chairs facing me. that was it. and in my rather nervous state of being, i felt cold. i felt isolated. i imagined "d" going through this and i could imagine how nervous he had felt. not long after, 2 guys appeared.

a large cream colored 3-4" thick file with a red "x" crossed over the file cover diagonally was slammed onto the table in front of me. on the file was my name. intimidating tactic, i thought. still standing, they looked down on me and one of them introduced himself (let's call him mr. y) and his partner. and he went on to say "my rank & name, you know why we asked you here? it is in your interest to be truthful to us, for if you are not, there would be consequences that you would have to face...". well, of cos that was not the exact words used, but that was the gist of his message. it was quite intimidating frankly, but i refused to show any nervousness. much as i had hope it was not an "outing" session, his words and high handed tone told me this was it. well, i had done nothing wrong and there's nothing i should be afraid of. i am what i am and i am proud of what mother nature had bestowed onto me and the last thing i wanted to do was to be afraid to face up to someone who now questions me and my sexuality. and so confidently i answered. "yes, and if you are asking if i am homosexual, yes i am" i said.

he was caught off-guard by my immediate admission. and sensing my willingness to co-operate with their interrogation, mr. y's tone relaxed. and that was how the so called "interview" started. it was done verbally and lasted over 4 hours. mr. y did most of the questioning while his partner, who was more junior, looked on. the interview covered everything about me, my sexuality, and my life as a gay man. reflecting, i could segment the interrogation into 3 parts.

the first part was about me and my whole history of my personal life as a gay person. the questions asked ranged from from how i found out about my sexuality, my coming out process, how i experimented with gay sex, how many sex partners i had, whether i am top or bottom, and so on. where did you pick people up? where did you have sex? did you have sex at the swimming pool? did you have sex in your car, did you... the questions came. fast and furious. and i remembered vividly this particular question: how many persons did you have sex with? i paused. what a question, i thought! who in the right frame of mind keep track of people they had sex with!? and he added, ok, i shall put more than 20, although i know it was more. i thought this response was uncalled for. anyway, the questioning went on to also cover details of james and bee. by then, it was clear to me they had done all their homework, that they had monitored my life (as well as james and bee) and knew where they stayed, our daily routines, where we worked and so on... and from what mr. y said of the examples of what we do as a routine, it was very clear that the information dug up was very fresh and very recent. and then mr. y went on to ask me to say out their names explicitly so that they can affirm what i said to be true. 

the second part was about me as a gay military person, or more specifically, my behaviour in camp. questions asked ranged from whether i had preyed on boys in camp, whether i could ever be professional in my course of duty (in view of all the young boys around me), etc etc etc. through this part of the interrogation, there were quite a few threats thrown at me. did you have sex with gay men when you were deployed overseas? did you go to porn shops? did you tell people you were working with the military when you meet them? are you very sure you are telling the truth? if at any one time we find you are not speaking the truth, we will not hesitate to put you through the polygraph test. do you still stand by what you said? and to them, the proof of my being unprofessional was the fact that i had placed my photo in fridae (for a short period of time), that i had dated james while i was in service, and so on. while i admit i had done what they said, i vehemently disagree to their accusations of "preying" and doing what i did with the intent of compromising the security of the organization. it was very upsetting to be asked such questions that threw doubts onto my professional conduct. if anything, i had made much efforts to segregate my personal self vs my professional self. and i had spend more than a third of my life in the armed forces with no negative records. 

as for the third part, it was pure witch-hunting. you are only one of the many gay persons we have on our records, specially, the words "tip of the iceberg" was used. we will be calling them up one by one. we hope you can co-operate with me and tell us who your gay friends are in the service. they kept going on at it. i refused to. it was not right. you want to interrogate me, you want to expose me, please do so. but do not make me tell you things about my friends. i will not do so, i will not compromise my position even if you tell me it was my friends that had exposed me. (i later found that they had told others whom they called up that i had sabotaged them...)

if i were talking to a gay person sharing about my past, it would probably come naturally. but considering these were asked to me in a super clinical environment and by 2 guys (straight i was sure), who could possibly be homophobic, it felt superbly wrong, discriminating and absolutely humiliating. but after a while, it was not difficult. i supposed when one gets sufficiently humiliated, one will hit a threshold where there is no more sense of self. i was there and i just answered whatever they asked to the best of my knowledge. the principles i upheld through the 4-hour long interrogation were (1) speak the truth, honesty is the best policy, and what i say will be accurate, and consistent, no one will be able to find fault when i speak the truth (2) do not compromise other people's identity and put them or their jobs at risk. and i left the rest to fate. que sera sera.

after the interrogation, i was given another surprise. just when i thought i was done, mr. y told me that i had to now put what i had said the whole morning into writing. he switched on the desktop and asked me to write a statement. i was a little pissed off frankly. i was already feeling somewhat drained and now had to go through the whole process of writing what i had told them the whole morning. i didn't have a choice but i indirectly told them off - come on, through the whole morning, you have asked so many things and i am very sure you would have filmed and possibly recorded when i said. so why don't you just transcribed all the you have recorded and make it as proof and record of my statement? mr. y and his partner looked surprised and was somewhat taken aback by my response. nonetheless, he just smiled and said i had to do it. well... i spend the rest of the afternoon typing everything down. if i recalled correctly, it was an 8-page statement (or was it 10?), less the few additional pages of q&a. of cos, while they left me to write my statement alone, they did at least make sure i got my lunch. rice with stewed chicken and egg, i remembered.

close to the end of the day, the mr. y came back. he went through quickly what i typed. this time round, he sounded really very nice and very understanding. he said he understood the difficulty i had gone through but he had to do what he did. he had no choice cos that was his work. finally, to close the interrogation, he told me that they had to put me through this to be fair to me (ya rite!). that i had just obtained my masters sponsorship and that if i were to proceed to attend the programme and get bonded, it would be difficult for me... and to protect the organization and to protect me (?), they wanted me to agree to write a commitment of sorts to ensure i "behave responsibly". and they would like me to visit the office again soonest possible to write the commitment. i told them i had planned for a short-getaway to bkk with bee. they did not sound too happy. i supposed this would compromise the so called recency effect of psychological shock to a person immediately after being interrogated for accordingly, when a person is still in shock, he or she would be most likely to sign or to commit to anything required of them. but they had no choice, they could not possibly change my travel plans and agreed to have the commitment writing done the following week. and at the same time, considering my seniority, they would also arrange for me to be interviewed by their deputy director...

i felt totally drained after the interrogation. but in a way, i felt a sense of release. i am now officially recognized as a gay person...

next the "commitment" to deny me my sexuality...

picture from https://4minutewriter.wordpress.com