swimming pool toilets

i swim and/ or tan regularly and often enough i see some people hanging around in the toilet without swimming (judging by the fact that i see them in the changing room when i first arrive and when i finished my swim/ tan)... and i find it rather disturbing actually.

i cannot make sense of how these people could change into their swimming trunks, apply suntan oil, and continue to stay in the changing room, do sit-ups, stretches, stand on their toes (yes, stand on their toes! think it's their version of stretching their calves), etc... work up a sweat, strip, shower, and then put on their trunks again and then continue to do their stretches, sit-ups... and the process repeats. there was once where i saw this guy doing stretches that only a ballet dancer or a contortionist could do... he was like holding up his foot like a ballerina and the other foot almost tiptoeing. and considering he is doing this in the swimming pool changing room, it's quite weird. but he went on and on...

and the interesting (or sad?) part of it all was that many of these men are not what you and i would refer to as dirty old men or doms. they are actually in their 30s!

watch james

well, the watch james refers to james chua - a good friend of mine. not that james aka james my ex :-) anyway, decided to sms watch james earlier to ask how he has been... soon enough, he replied telling me he had just returned from texas and had came down with a bad flu (`oh no! how terrible!' was my immediate thoughts) and guess wat?!? he was shopping - what he called retail therapy! soooooooo so so so soooooo typical lor... i mean, what other things can we do rite?! heh heh... :-)

anyway, we decided to meet up next month after his trip (again!) and after my studies. and he shared with me how he admired me - someone whom he considered to be already sufficiently well-endowed (he meant knowledge-wise...) - to be studying and improving myself! of cos my reply to him was - `ahem, of cos la, for someone who considers himself not so well-endowed down there, he should therefore try to be well-endowed up there lor...'

ha ha...

sweet pony & friends

raymond has been so sweet lately... he has been sending me smses asking about my studies, encouraging me, showing concern about my stress level and so on. cannot help but feel so pampered :-)

thanks hor pony!

and of cos, not to mention my other few friends who had given me rather pleasant surprises by texting me (or asking about me thru bee bee) too... never knew they also read my reflections here too. perhaps it is during such situations that one get to know who is quietly watching over you :-) so, to all my friends (you know who you are), thanks!

studying outside

finally i decided to do my schoolwork outside my home as i couldn't resist login into the net when at home... well, or so i thought... anyway, last night, i made a trip to t2 starbucks to do some writing. and today, here i am at olio parkway blasting away my keyboard. and it has been an interesting experience considering there are many people to watch and that the ambient noise is actually quite high... but surprising, i am able to concentrate on my work. and as of now, i am pretty pleased with my progress! so...

and guess what, last nite at t2 starbucks, i actually was itchy enough to get a wireless@sg account and here i am login into the net again at olio parkway!!! but well, at least in an outside environment, the tendency to surf non-stop is very much less and i have no choice but to observe some discipline not to go into gay sites (regardless of porn or not) :-) heh heh...

think i'll probably be doing more of such starbucky or oli-oli kinda studies in the coming weeks!

:-)

6 weeks

6 more weeks to go before i hand in my assignments and complete my masters! and in this 6 weeks, i have one more project to complete (by mid-mar), one end-of-module paper, and one critical inquiry paper to complete, both by first week april.

push on!

Lk's birthday

celebrated lk's belated birthday earlier with a bunch of uni friends and bee bee. korean dinner at novena square 2. foods not too bad. bu what was really fun was the fact that we spent quite a bit of time reminiscing about our childhood days and about cartoons and shows of the years gone by. and for once, i have friends who were able to sing jingles from `the little frog' (xiao qing wa) or adventures of little bao (xiao bao li xian ji), friends who totally understand and appreciate what you meant when you spoke of kampong life, of chasing chickens or getting chased by goose (bee bee was rather amazed by the fact that we actually chased chickens... and why we were chased by goose and not the other way round)!

amazing how there is this generation gap even between people in their late twenties (my bee bee and his friends) and people in our early forties! and i am saying this cos when i was with people in their late twenties, no one, not a single one could identify with all the characters of the shows that i was so fond of :-)

holidays 2008

ha... thinking of where i should head to for holidays this year. think i'll take a break sometime after my masters modules that will end in mid-apr and probably one more in nov/dec period when i clear leave before i officially retire from service... so, hmmm, wonder if i should head to ireland this year :-) such beautiful sceneries! i am sure bee bee would be so thrilled!

ps: ireland

finally watched p.s. i love you. decided to watch the show after the inspiring conversation with my friend that led me to blog about the title. it was a simple story i must say. rather touching and certainly made me tear a bit here and there. but what hit me most was the fact that the show - that brought the audiences to ireland and its lakes - reminded me so much of james.

james and i visited uk in june 2002. during that trip, we drove from london to windemere and in windemere, we climbed hills and took a ferry ride in the lake. although it was summer, it was real cold and my jacket was of no use. the water splashed onto my face despite the fact that i was seated on the second level of the ferry. james, on the other hand, enjoyed himself thoroughly. the experience, the feeling, the sights and the sounds are still very vivid to me. and it played up again during the scene where the three girls were rowing their boat in the lake amidst the vast space and surrounding hills of ireland. well, certainly brought back very fond memories.

anyway, i found the show rather warm and sweet and, to a certain extend, funny. and it certainly touched on the issue of moving on and coming to terms with oneself over the loss of someone dear. i could identify with the emotional roller coaster rides although the context of the cause was different. nonetheless, there are many similarities between a loss and a break-up. the process of moving on is the same, regardless of the context. it is about letting go, it is about acceptance, it is about closure, it is about starting all over again, positively.

personality from dressing

i attended an interesting career transition workshop over the last two days. a professional image consultant was engaged to share with us how clothing colours should be chosen to complement our skin tones and why dressing well is important when we go about job hunting. she shared with us that there are essentially four personality types - classic, natural, dramatic and romantic. and that these personality types can generally be discerned from one's dress sense. and how interviewers can easily size up one's personality once you walk into the interview room yada yada yada... (gee, i really think we give interviewers too much credit! imagine, the workshop facilitator even shared with us where we should look when questions were asked during interviews cos interviewers would know if we were lying [if we look upwards towards right] or telling the truth [if we look upwards towards the left])!

anyway, the image consultant went around looking at each and everyone of us and, from our dressing, gave us her views of what our personality are (i call it `guessing'). well, she got everyone right except me :-) she categorized me as `romantic' given that i had worn a well colour co-ordinated slim fit long sleeve shirt, nicely ironed tailored pants and colour matching belt & square tipped shoes. in short, i looked very trendy amongst all the other personnel from my organisation who attended the programme and were wearing simply tee-shirt and jeans (although i was not sure if i had looked more gay then trendy though! heh...) and she went on describing me as someone who is extroverted and would go around making friends and a person who is good at small talk, social animal la la la...

well, she couldn't be more wrong lo! if i were to categorize myself, i think i am more of the natural or the classic type. i had dressed up a bit more on that day as i know we would be covering on the topic of self-image... so... anyway, i concluded that it is easy to mask one's personality through one's dressing. for that matter, this very example showed how i was able to snook this so called professional image consultant :-)

of friends and family

since writing my entry on my dad and my brother, i have had several friends texting me or mailing me to ask if everything is ok. some even gave their views of the issue and advice me how i could go about solving this issue. but from these correspondences, i noted interestingly (from the angle of the questions and advices that came in) that each and everyone has interpreted the issue slightly differently. reflecting, i guess it was a case of each of them having different experiences with their respective families. as the saying goes, we are products of our experience. and with this different experiences, each and everyone has made certainly assumptions about the issue when they communicated with me. however, what was reflected in my blog had not captured with sufficient history and depth to allow one to fully appreciate the family historical baggage... and without this history, it is perhaps not easy to frame the extent of the emotions and the dynamics that runs deep amongst my parents and all siblings today - the so called `politics' within the family.

i do really appreciate all the advises that came in altho there are many a times i personally felt my personal space to make my own decisions had been intruded upon and views imposed. and on several occasions, i may have sounded rather curt when i replied. nonetheless, i can understand that it is with good intent that these messages came through. i mean, why would anyone bother to text/ mail me at all for my family business has nothing to do with them right? and to me, the answer is very simple - it is because i am their friend and in communicating with me, they hope to be able to give me some views and advice so as to help me manage this issue.

so, to these friends, thanks for sharing your views. they are very much appreciated. and do excuse me if at any one time, i had sounded unfriendly for it was not intended.

youth olympics 2010

i was in the middle of class when a very short sms came in from lk "we won the bid to host the 2010 yog!" it read. i couldn't contain the excitement and stopped my lecturer in the middle of her sentence and announced it to the class... even my lecturer was very excited by it :-)

it was a real wonder to see how such events bring people together - both from singapore and from the region too. to me, the win reflects not just singapore's success but rather, asean's success as a whole for it will be the first time that an olympic game will be held in south east asia... and looking at the channelnewsasia website and the responses from readers, i do certainly see people from around the region such as malaysia, the philippines and indonesia posting to indicate their excitement and to extend their good wishes to singapore.

so exciting! let's make it happen and let's make it good!

:-)

spurs

finally went to see a specialist yesterday about my frequent neck problems. i was diagnosed to have a tiny spur growing on my vertebra c5-c6. this spur had apparently been caused by my cervical spondylosis problem. the consultant advised me to start some physio so as to strengthen my neck muscles and to also start taking vitamin b complex. according to him, the spur is small and it is still not advisable to remove it surgically altho this would be something i might have to think about say 10-15 years time.

also, for my knees, he asked that i take glucosamine so that the joint can heal and that i should also do some strengthening so that the pain can be better managed...

am glad i decided to get a second opinion for i was quite irritated by my workplace mo who keeps telling me that it is `usual' to get such aging pains and that he cannot do anything about it. finally, at least i get an answer and a closure to all these years of pain.

my (ex) brother

the reason why i inserted the word (ex) before the word brother was the fact that he had acknowledged yesterday that he does not regard me as a brother anymore. anyway, what happened yesterday was that, after receiving a letter from the police about nuisance calls to 999 from my home phone, i smsed my brother to help me talk to my dad. in my sms, i indicated that i am at my wits end and that i have given up advising him already.

my brother's replies took me by surprised - he went something like - how can you give up on your parents? you treat your friend well and you give up on your parents. and he went on about how i should treat my family better, how siblings are the only ones i can trust, how friends are only after my money and stuff and so on... his following strings of sms went to the extend of threatening to come to my house to `sort it out with me', and that i had better own up if i am gay and that everyone already knows about it and that he would announce to the world about it and that i need to seek psychiatric help and so on and so forth. it was most unexpected. and all these hostility started from his wrong interpretation of my two words - given up. nonetheless, being a hard header person that he is, once he gets angry, there is no more reasoning possible.

my responses to each and every sms of his was very controlled although i was visibly upset by his hostile responses and chiding me for things not related to what i am asking him to help. then again, i told him to dissociate my purpose of asking for his assistance to my sexuality and told him that if he feels comfortable telling `the whole world' i am gay, he should go ahead for i am pretty fine with it. it was ironic that despite telling me that my siblings are the only ones i can rely on, he had outrightly not helped me.

his smses kept coming, strong, fast and furious and each one laced with all sorts of allegations about how i have failed as a brother and how he has changed and that he is not the person he used to be etc... and how it is no big deal to him that (in his words) he do not see me as his brother anymore and that i should stop contacting him further. i guessed all the years of pent up anger came through the sms yesterday. all his inferiority complex, all his insecurities, everything!

the whole sms episode occurred as i was standing at my house car park and i just stood there frozen. by the end of this string of smses, i was visibly upset and decided not to head upstairs to my house. so i started my car and drive off - not knowing where to go. by then, bee bee was already with me. and he decided to buy me a good dinner at prego to cheer me up (works all the time!)

reflecting on the whole issue during my drive to town, i kinda conclude that if there is one single thing that came out of this unpleasant episode was that i came out to my brother. at least i do not need to pretend he does not know anymore. the fact that he does not want to acknowledge me as a brother anymore is quite immaterial to me for we do not talk often in our lives and that we have lived separately since 10 years ago. it's a state of mind kinda thing if you know what i mean. so, if it helps him move on and better manage his life with the knowledge that he had severed ties with me, so be it. it does not change the price of anything. afterall, we each have our own lives to lead. i also do not blame him for his perception of me for he sees and know me through me dad's eyes for the last many years. and i can only imagine all the sorts of stuff my dad had told him given that he always interpret my advises as restrictions. well, so be it. my conscience is clear.

as long as he is happy. i know i am.

by the way, why does this thing happen now after all these years?... the `year of the rat' curse for horses like me? heh heh... so, it helps to see things from the bright side i guess :-)

managing my dad

it's been getting harder and harder to manage my dad these days. he has bad habits and it is impossible to change them... have tried all sorts of way and it's been futile. and his bad habits get onto people's nerves and often it ended up on my lap for me to answer. for example, he likes to spit out of the balcony, brings the dog out for long walks and unleashes her, he eats ang ku kueh and throws the banana leaf base out of the balcony, he throws pieces of scrap paper out of the kitchen window, and so on and so forth... and then, i would get complains.

to top it off, he'd lie and deny all those things he'd done when i asked. and when i show him proof, he'd swear blind he did not do it... all these despite seeing it with my own eyes.

he also cannot take advices. for example, despite having incessant cough, he continues to drink cold tea, something that all in the family had advised against, at least temporarily till his cough stop, he wouldn't listen. similarly, he would eat and eat without due considerations to his weight. it is not possible to convince him that he should manage his weight. his reasons, has always been that he is diabetic and needs to eat. but soon enough, i realized this is an excuse... how do you explain eating a huge bowl of noodle, claim he is full, then slurped another packet of nasi lemak, then eat bread? all within an hour? and when asked, his reply is - "oh, got food so i eat lor"... and through chinese new year, he'd munch away all the oranges, cookies and bak kwa. not giving a hoot about his cough or the fact that he is diabetic. last month, i bought 600 grams of li kiam (preserved plums) and he finished them all within a week!

he's a medicine lover. has been taking all sorts of medication by himself through his life to the extend that his liver stopped functioning in 2000. he is lucky to be alive today. yet, he did not learn his lesson. he would often utter all sorts of expletives when he goes to the doctor and not get the amount of medicine he expects to get. and he'd sleep through the day and stay up whole night coughing, watching tv, play with the dog, eat and so on. and then he would go to the doctor to complain of insomnia and ask for sleeping pills. and really, i was upset when the doctor concluded that he is suffering from depression and told him that he needs to be referred to psychiatrist without even checking his sleep habits. talking about staying up at night, he would call my brother through the night and chat with him over the phone.

yesterday, i received a letter from the police telling me that there have been silent calls to `999' over the last 2 months and that some of the calls occur as early as 4plus in the morning. not sure how i can manage this and smsed my sis and brother to help. not easy and certainly i don't feel good having to tell him off once a while. decide not to talk to him about it anymore as his mentality now is that i'm trying to restrict him. also, i'll probably explode if i do engage him in any talk at this point in time.

he is 76 year old. an old man. but then again, this has to be managed. and i am really at my wits end now.

slowing down

i will probably be slowing down my blog entries over the next month or so... depending on my workload. still, i do appreciate the occasional comments and smses. keep them coming. keeps me going...

coincidentally, my final major assignment is about blogging and how it has been used in higher education.

:-)

ps: I love you

this post has been inspired by & has been written & dedicated to a dear friend.

catchy title of a show that is showing now. perhaps, i'll see it :-) but certainly, i wrote this title for different reasons la... only those who are in the know will understand what i am talking about. it's funny how love can sometimes make a person yearn for another so hard that he/ she would do silly things. things that sound totally out of the world and illogical to by-standers. but that i would suggest, is the very essence of what makes us alive, pushes us and that defines us so distinctly as human.

and the funny thing is that such intense feelings does not only exist in the young, hot-blooded, hormone-charged teenagers or those early-20s. hormones know no age i guess. but i kinda conclude - do what you want, just make sure you are happy. of course implied and assumed in it is the moral boundaries that one should define (eg no killing, no lying, etc). live each day as tho it is your last. make it meaningful. enjoy the moment and make it worth the memory 5, 10 or even 20 years down your life. remember titanic? :-)

some live their lives to make good things happen, some live to make sure bad things don't happen. whichever way you live your life, just make sure you weigh your options, and then do it! most importantly - live it! and through the process, be happy about it.

ps: pse bring along tissue if you go watch the show...

group projects

been 2 weeks or so since i last posted. chinese new year is considered over after all the strings of visitors etc.

it's almost full-time (or rather, using all of whatever time i have other than work) into my final 2 modules assignments now. talking about assignments, i always dread going into group assignments cos there will also be one or two of those who would cock up your group's effort... it was the same last year where my group had the system designer lead pull out 2 weeks before due date as he wanted to do the project alone... and again it is the same this module where despite agreeing to the task allocation, one (the one who agreed to do the data entry and rule-designs) would bitch day and night about it and went to the extend of submitting half-baked products. when asked if he can improve on it, he even had the cheek to retort "you did not even do the data entry and rule design personally so i do not think you know the difficulty involved." his words reek so strongly of "you should do it before you can even come and talk to me about it"... what high-handed remarks and audacity! i design the question, you design the rules. and i thought that was the agreement... and despite that, i had already designed the rules for him and he just focused on data entry!

anyway, who cares about what he says, i'll take it upon myself to finish the product and submit it... and who cares that in doing so, i might be helping him score... what's more important is that i shan't let him jeopardize my opportunities to score well. anyway, managed to finish it over the last two days. he'll learn if he wants to, his loss and not mine. life's too short and has enough stress already. no need to get all these extra stress.

well, next week, will need to do a presentation, discuss another project proposal and do my write-up for my final paper. very tiring. but am kinda enjoying the load for it helps me push-on! and of cos, in return, i get to sleep very well... :-)

auspicious start

better put something new and auspicious as my blog title over the lunar new year period (all said and done, i think i better be safe and be pantang a bit, hmmmm, that my baba part talking and behaving) ;-)

anyway, have been busy busy busy and time really flies when you are busy!

cannot imagine that lunar new year is already here! and of cos, this time, a couple of days later, i'll be saying - wah... lunar new year over lo... all the efforts.... it happens every year. but the interesting thing would be that every time the lunar new year comes near, everyone (not only me) will get all flustered with all the preparations, the flowers, the cooking, the cookies, the tua-chai, and so on... guess that's the chineseness in us :-) and thank goodness, this year, bee bee was around to help in the housecleaning too! and today, it's cooking the chap chye, the kong bah, the curry chicken and so on for reunion dinner... same dishes for reunion dinner yearly but it is this routine and tradition that defines us as a family and familiarity that we look forward to yearly on such a significant occasion!

it's gonna be a busy new year for me. hosting my immediate family on the first day, cooking and hosting all my paternal side relatives on the second day and my friends on the third day. and yes, sapphie is getting all excited about the sudden burst of colours around the house and of cos, her red red ribbon that she wears around her neck during the lunar new year every year.

anyway, have used red for this post in view of the new year and i also wish all my friends and those of you who visit my blog a happy, healthy and abundant year ahead!

:-)