Monday, 14 November 2005
Tuesday, 8 November 2005
Fractured Ankle
Was referred to the Sports Medicine Clinic in CGH and was told that I have suffered a fracture in one of the small (but no less important) bone in my ankle as well as tearing one of the key ligament there too; and unless managed properly, I might not be able to run again. Finally understood why my ankle has not stop hurting since I sprained it in May.
Friday, 4 November 2005
Coming to terms
While it was not easy to say out the words - I wanna move on - it is even more difficult to untangle all the knots that we have tied over the last 6 plus years. I don't even know what's mine or what's his after so long. Must start somewhere, but don't know where to start.... really.
Whatever the case, it has been most emotional for me these few days. Hard to talk to friends, even more hard to keep a straight face and behaving normally with him (considering we are staying together and I have no intentions to ask him to leave, chosing instead to let him decide if he wishes to). For the first time, he did not kiss me when he leaves for work, his smses to me become very rare and even if he does sms, they sound very neutral and to the point, he sleeps so much, etc.Am still crying whenever I am alone. Cannot help but also felt a sense of nostalgia (and perhaps a sense of guilt) when I look at his face in the middle of the night. For I myself am feeling the after-effects of a break up although I was the one who initiated it. Then again, I have convinced myself that in the longer run, this is probably the best arrangement. Perhaps too in this way, he will not be tracked by my security office anymore. And that he can also now wholeheartedly pursue his dreams of being who's who in his field of work.
And to top it off, we both behave rather normally in front of each other. Am very concern about him and how he is taking it yet I myself am not taking it too well. Amidst all these emotional swings, I do find solace and strength from some of MY friends who gave me words of strength.
Also realised that with the break, somehow his friends (which have over time become our friends) have started to become his friends (only) again. Really hope this transition phase will pass quickly. I would like to continue being best of friends with him and things seemed to be heading towards that direction. And I am thankful and hopeful about it. He is still and will always be very very dear to me. And for now, I can only say - I am sorry.
Whatever the case, it has been most emotional for me these few days. Hard to talk to friends, even more hard to keep a straight face and behaving normally with him (considering we are staying together and I have no intentions to ask him to leave, chosing instead to let him decide if he wishes to). For the first time, he did not kiss me when he leaves for work, his smses to me become very rare and even if he does sms, they sound very neutral and to the point, he sleeps so much, etc.Am still crying whenever I am alone. Cannot help but also felt a sense of nostalgia (and perhaps a sense of guilt) when I look at his face in the middle of the night. For I myself am feeling the after-effects of a break up although I was the one who initiated it. Then again, I have convinced myself that in the longer run, this is probably the best arrangement. Perhaps too in this way, he will not be tracked by my security office anymore. And that he can also now wholeheartedly pursue his dreams of being who's who in his field of work.
And to top it off, we both behave rather normally in front of each other. Am very concern about him and how he is taking it yet I myself am not taking it too well. Amidst all these emotional swings, I do find solace and strength from some of MY friends who gave me words of strength.
Also realised that with the break, somehow his friends (which have over time become our friends) have started to become his friends (only) again. Really hope this transition phase will pass quickly. I would like to continue being best of friends with him and things seemed to be heading towards that direction. And I am thankful and hopeful about it. He is still and will always be very very dear to me. And for now, I can only say - I am sorry.
Wednesday, 2 November 2005
Managing Friends
Time to move on after 6 and a half years.
Not easy and I reckon the coming few weeks would be really tough - for him, for me, for all of us. It has been really traumatic for me to do it for I still love him deeply. Yet, I must move on in the interest of both of us in the longer term.
Finding it really tough today when I broke the news and never never ever would I expect that it was even tougher to manage his (our) friends than to manage him. I felt really intruded upon by Dominic, an outsider to this relationship, when I was taken to task for not telling them before I actually break the news.
I had not preplanned the break up date/ time. I knew it was coming. I saw it coming but I did not planned for it to happen at an exact date/ time. It just felt appropriate this morning. Things are just not so text book and sequential. I was chided for not keeping the promise of providing early notice. Then again, early notice to me meant being early enough for them to be there for him when the news finally sink in and not to preempt when I will actually tell him. But I guess this was not to be understood by his (our) friends.
Perhaps I have not communicated my intentions clearly enough to them or perhaps I have placed to much faith in friends and that I have assumed they would understand and be there to support us - not just him but me included. Then again, perhaps it was bad judgement on my part, for they seemed to place too much hooha over the exact date/ time that I break the news rather than see it from the perspective that the support I need from them would be a long drawn one.
So what if I had told them of the time I am gonna break the news (not that I could in the first place)? Wouldn't it be even more horrible for him to have his friends call him and try to console him of the break up once I broke the news? If I were him, I certainly would feel super lousy to know that I was the last to know about it. Perhaps I should see it positively that their response reflected their concern for him. From this angle, I have to thank them for it. Whatever the case, trying to seek friends' support in this world is so bloody challenging. I guess I have to manage this on my own henceforth.
Once again, I have failed to understand the age old lesson that in life, always rely on no one except yourself.
Not easy and I reckon the coming few weeks would be really tough - for him, for me, for all of us. It has been really traumatic for me to do it for I still love him deeply. Yet, I must move on in the interest of both of us in the longer term.
Finding it really tough today when I broke the news and never never ever would I expect that it was even tougher to manage his (our) friends than to manage him. I felt really intruded upon by Dominic, an outsider to this relationship, when I was taken to task for not telling them before I actually break the news.
I had not preplanned the break up date/ time. I knew it was coming. I saw it coming but I did not planned for it to happen at an exact date/ time. It just felt appropriate this morning. Things are just not so text book and sequential. I was chided for not keeping the promise of providing early notice. Then again, early notice to me meant being early enough for them to be there for him when the news finally sink in and not to preempt when I will actually tell him. But I guess this was not to be understood by his (our) friends.
Perhaps I have not communicated my intentions clearly enough to them or perhaps I have placed to much faith in friends and that I have assumed they would understand and be there to support us - not just him but me included. Then again, perhaps it was bad judgement on my part, for they seemed to place too much hooha over the exact date/ time that I break the news rather than see it from the perspective that the support I need from them would be a long drawn one.
So what if I had told them of the time I am gonna break the news (not that I could in the first place)? Wouldn't it be even more horrible for him to have his friends call him and try to console him of the break up once I broke the news? If I were him, I certainly would feel super lousy to know that I was the last to know about it. Perhaps I should see it positively that their response reflected their concern for him. From this angle, I have to thank them for it. Whatever the case, trying to seek friends' support in this world is so bloody challenging. I guess I have to manage this on my own henceforth.
Once again, I have failed to understand the age old lesson that in life, always rely on no one except yourself.
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