While it was not easy to say out the words - I wanna move on - it is even more difficult to untangle all the knots that we have tied over the last 6 plus years. I don't even know what's mine or what's his after so long. Must start somewhere, but don't know where to start.... really.
Whatever the case, it has been most emotional for me these few days. Hard to talk to friends, even more hard to keep a straight face and behaving normally with him (considering we are staying together and I have no intentions to ask him to leave, chosing instead to let him decide if he wishes to). For the first time, he did not kiss me when he leaves for work, his smses to me become very rare and even if he does sms, they sound very neutral and to the point, he sleeps so much, etc.Am still crying whenever I am alone. Cannot help but also felt a sense of nostalgia (and perhaps a sense of guilt) when I look at his face in the middle of the night. For I myself am feeling the after-effects of a break up although I was the one who initiated it. Then again, I have convinced myself that in the longer run, this is probably the best arrangement. Perhaps too in this way, he will not be tracked by my security office anymore. And that he can also now wholeheartedly pursue his dreams of being who's who in his field of work.
And to top it off, we both behave rather normally in front of each other. Am very concern about him and how he is taking it yet I myself am not taking it too well. Amidst all these emotional swings, I do find solace and strength from some of MY friends who gave me words of strength.
Also realised that with the break, somehow his friends (which have over time become our friends) have started to become his friends (only) again. Really hope this transition phase will pass quickly. I would like to continue being best of friends with him and things seemed to be heading towards that direction. And I am thankful and hopeful about it. He is still and will always be very very dear to me. And for now, I can only say - I am sorry.
Whatever the case, it has been most emotional for me these few days. Hard to talk to friends, even more hard to keep a straight face and behaving normally with him (considering we are staying together and I have no intentions to ask him to leave, chosing instead to let him decide if he wishes to). For the first time, he did not kiss me when he leaves for work, his smses to me become very rare and even if he does sms, they sound very neutral and to the point, he sleeps so much, etc.Am still crying whenever I am alone. Cannot help but also felt a sense of nostalgia (and perhaps a sense of guilt) when I look at his face in the middle of the night. For I myself am feeling the after-effects of a break up although I was the one who initiated it. Then again, I have convinced myself that in the longer run, this is probably the best arrangement. Perhaps too in this way, he will not be tracked by my security office anymore. And that he can also now wholeheartedly pursue his dreams of being who's who in his field of work.
And to top it off, we both behave rather normally in front of each other. Am very concern about him and how he is taking it yet I myself am not taking it too well. Amidst all these emotional swings, I do find solace and strength from some of MY friends who gave me words of strength.
Also realised that with the break, somehow his friends (which have over time become our friends) have started to become his friends (only) again. Really hope this transition phase will pass quickly. I would like to continue being best of friends with him and things seemed to be heading towards that direction. And I am thankful and hopeful about it. He is still and will always be very very dear to me. And for now, I can only say - I am sorry.
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