Me at this point in my life

Enough of these scared of whatever shit. No point. No use. Just very unproductive, very unnecessary.

Just wanna be myself.

Don't wanna be so conscious about how I should behave because I know I am being watched, someone is reading my diary entries, monitoring me, perhaps my every single move, every single thoughts, every single correspondence I transact with my friends, etc.

Hey, I am not doing anything wrong. I am not doing anything immoral (and for that matter, being gay is not immoral). And I am a responsible person.

If I do err, it's because and I am human. What is more important is that I err not by intention. And I do not apologise to any set-up for it. I owe myself to live my life as I desire and I deserve to live it to the best I can.

I am no different from any straight man.

27th Aug, my past week

One more week. One more entry :)

Work

- Work-wise, things have been going rather ok. No big upheavals. My HR chief called me up for an interview. He told me that he will not make any comments on my sexuality as well as the moral aspects of things. And as far as my deployment is concerned, they have decided to put me in a training-related post. He added that I should also give the commitment that I would conduct myself responsibly. While I thanked him for the opportunity, I found myself just too couldn't careless about debating on the `morality of it' as well as 'the need for me to be responsible'. To me, that he has asked me to be responsible simply meant that he has assumed that I have not been responsible and that in itself is not correct. As for the morality aspect, I have nothing more to say other than the fact that it is but another view of gay men from the perspective of a str8 man.

Medical

- Finally went for my EEG on Wed. While the test itself was relatively simple, the after-effects was terrible. Felt nauseus and had a splitting headache for a quite a while. The nurse that attended to me certainly did not give a very encouraging response when asked if my brainwave readings looked normal. She said - "erm, your reading hor, don worry lah, does not look too abnormal lor". Hmm, wonder what she meant. That it did not look too abnormal could also mean that it (still) bear certain semblance of abnormality, even if it is a wee bit right? Not very heartening at all. Not when you were the one who had undertaken the test. Anyway, shan't read too much into what she said. Will wait for the doctor's analysis this mid-Sep.

His Father

- Celebrated his father's birthday this week. It was a steamboat dinner and after that it was an adhoc family karaoke session. Very interesting. For the first time, I had an opportunity to attend a family karaoke where the whole family actually sang together! And I must say, the fact that it was together with his family made the whole occasion so much more special for me.Him - 27th Aug was supposed to be our 4th month celebrations. Well, things did not turn out as well and was pretty tensed cos he was afraid of being seen with me in public by him. Certainly did not make me feel good. Ended up a lot of tense and unhappy moments.

My Weight

- Took my weight yesterday. Great not much of a change. Seemed to have stabilized at abt 59.3kg. Had dropped a total of more than 7kg and was afraid it'll just drop further. Well, at least the drop has somewhat halted at this point :)

This Week's Snippets

My Dilemmas

- Since experiencing the blank-outs, I have been feeling out of sorts. Trying very hard to manage myself, the uncertainties as well as keeping things away from my parents and sisters. Do not think they will be able to take the news. Also given the many uncertainties, it will just freak them out and make them worry for no good reasons. Let's wait till things are clearer before telling them. As for my friends, I have opened up to my close friends and I am overwhelmed by their concerns and their support. I really thank them for it and for being there to support me during this period.

His Priorities (1)

- Last Sunday, I really felt like I was gonna die. Smsed him to tell him I would like to meet him and to tell him my desperations, my fear of death, etc. His first reaction was to turn me down citing that he had planned for a day's programme with him. This woke me up. Seriously. Nonetheless, we met up in the evening. He unwillingly had to terminate his dinner plans with him. Things were very tense then. Despite this, we spoke at length and decided to patch things up and work on our relationship in the end. But I was very much hardened by this whole experience. Whatever he does or whatever he says will no longer be taken seriously by me anymore. It seemed like his dinner plans with him is more important than my life. My Medical Appt - Finally went to the specialist who did a brain scan and a blood test. Had wanted to ask him to accompany me but he was not able to do so citing work commitments. Felt terribly worried, scared and nervous. Did not like the feeling of going through the battery of tests alone. Was told by the doctor that it is likely to be seizures but could not determine the cause of the seizures. Still subject to further test this coming week and to see the specialist again this mid-Sep.

Things to Avoid

- Given the possibilities of seizures happening again, I have been advised not to drive, operate any machines or to engage in any sports that involve machines or situations where I may endanger myself. These include cycling and swimming. Cannot afford to blank out during these occasions or I may risk getitng into a fatal situation. Will definitely need to do major adjustments to my lifestyle. Since injuring my leg, swimming is the only sports I do, I really do not know how I can survive not swimming. A friend advised me that one option is to find a swim buddy so that in the event of me blanking out while swimming, at least, someone can save me. Well, I will have to look into my options.

His Mum

- His mum was terribly worried about me and had been praying for me. She spoke to me at length and consoled me about my condition. As for him, he was very sweet about the whole thing and had been nice to me this week. But I am clear that what I want is someone who can give me unconditional love and care and not his mum's concern.

His Priorities (2)

- Today is Fri and as usual I will have to switch off my phone to manage myself from going berserk just thinking of him spending time and overnight with him. On the other hand, I have now been hardened and take everything he says with a lot (yes, a real lot) of concessions. I do treat it as passing remarks cos if I were to take it seriously, I will end up feeling terribly hurt. For example, despite him telling me time and again that he will `always' be with me especially now with my possible medical condition, I am dead sure he will not be able to be with me and to keep me company from Fri - Sun nite, cos he is dead determined to want to spend time with him. I have been proven rite today.

My Good Friend

- Vernon had been around all these while helping me manage my weekends and my emotional swings. He was also around to help me manage myself and to accompany me during all my spare time whenever he can so that I do not get overwhelmed by my missing him.

Thanks my friend.

Seeing Doctor

Some worst case scenarios possible based on what a doc friend of mine said - momentarily blanking out could be due to (1) epilepsy (2) symptoms of a major stroke coming (3) suppressing of my nerve when I turn my head thereby causing a momentary shutting of the nerves (4) brain tumor / clot (5) etc.

Whatever the case, it does not seem good.

Will be seeing a doctor tomorrow to get some referral to a neuro.

Snippets of my life over the past week

His Mum (1)

- Have always been able to talk and relate to his mum. On the other hand, he is also very conscious and careful about what she thinks of him meeting up with me so often. Interestingly, when he asked her to join us for supper couple of nights back, she said she did not want to be the lamp-post. Innocent comment perhaps but well, interesting.

His Mum (2)

- Yesterday, when he left his house to meet up with me, his mum asked him how come he meets up with me so often. Think she is beginning to miss having him spent time with her at home. On my part, I am also scared of her finding out the real goings between us, but he has time and again reassured me that she is perfectly fine with me and that she is comfortable with me.

My Mum (1)

- My mum has been living with me and my partner for the last 2 months. During this period, I am sure she had observed the goings in the house. I am also sure she is aware of the people in my life currently. Nonetheless, she had kept quiet about it. Guess it's a case of her seeing only what she wants to see. Whatever it is, I feel glad she is accepting things just fine.

My Mum (2)

- A quiet and reserved person, my mum would prefer to keep to herself and stay in the room when my friends visit. But when he came over to my place yesterday, she got up of bed (despite being sick and groggy) to say hello to him. She went on to cut dragonfruit for him and sat with him in the living room to chat with him. Very surprised. Guess she likes him too cos she has occasionally asked abt him and how he is. Am sure she is aware of our goings. Putting in Effort - Things has never been better between us. He has been putting in so much effort to spent time with me I am beginning to feel a bit bad. I appreciate his efforts and can really feel that he loves me.

Forced Savings

- Started a joint account with him to help him save for rainy days. Things have not been good for him over the last few months but he is trying very hard to settle his financial issues. At least with a joint account, he can deposit his money in it and I can hold the purse strings.

New Job

- This coming Monday, I've been asked to assist another department to clear some backlogged issues. I am not too particularly keen to do this as there are no clear terms of reference of what I am supposed to do.

Blank off

Over the last few months, I have experienced at least 4 - 5 occasions where I just blanked off. The type where you enter into a state of not knowing what is going around you and forgets everything for that split second.

First occurence

- 2 months back. In office, sms-ing him. We were in the middle of an sms-argument when the next thing I knew, I really could not recall what we had been arguing about and what happened that morning. My mind went into a state of temporary memory loss.

Second occurence

- A month plus back. Driving out of my basement car park, negotiating a turn. Next thing I knew, my partner screamed for me to stop. I had apparently been accelerating my car into the wall. And had my partner not stopped me in time, I would have driven into the wall without even realising it. Last I could recall was negotiating the turn and had thought I was already driving out of my car park.

Third occurence

- Yesterday, driving along ECP. About to exit at Simei. Next thing I knew, I almost drive up the road curb cos I had blanked off. Regain my senses in time to swerve back onto the road. Close shave.

Fourth occurence

- Today. At the car park. Reversing my car. He was beside me talking on the phone to someone and a friend was at the back seat. I clearly remembered trying to reverse my car into the lot. Next thing I knew, I had banged into the railing big time. I had apparently blanked out while reversing and my leg had accelerated the car in a reverse manner.

I am freaked out.

What's happening to me?!

Seemed to be getting a bit more often.

No National Day for me this year

National Day Parades and events have always been emotional for me.

This year, it will be no exception. But this year, I will not be celebrating it. I somehow do not have the want to want to do it. I reckon it will be too emotional for me after all those things that happened to me over the last few months. I am the type who would choke and tear (with pride and joy) when I hear the roaring of the airplanes over me when I jog along East Coast during the NDP, or when I sing the National Anthem, or when I recite the National Pledge.

Also, for the first time since we are encouraged to fly the national flag many years back, I have decided I will not do it, not on my car, not at home, not anywhere. I will not watch the NDP over the tv, I will not even switch on my radio. I will not participate in any ND events. I will not even attend my company's ND Observance Event. I do not want to end up tearing in front of all my colleagues.

I may be anti-system now, but I am doing this not because I am any less patriotic. Rather, I am doing this for self-preservation. I am doing this to keep myself from getting emotional. It will make me wallow again. It will make me depress again. I want to keep my sanity.I had wanted to leave country during this period. But circumstances forced my to stay. Probably, I'll occupy myself with housework, play with my dog. Spend some quiet time with my partner and my mum at home, have a quiet meal. Housework can be therapeutic. Just need to get into the mood. And once you get the hang of it, you'll keep going. And you'll get a good workout too.

Need a break. Need to keep my calm.

Dim Sum Dollies

I watched Dim Sum Dollies earlier and I was probably the only person in the theatre to cry.

I cried twice - once during the opening song where they sang about being happy, daring to be happy, living to the fullest and being blessed with rainbows. And then again during the closing number where they sang the National Anthem.

I couldn't help it.

During the opening number, I felt the frustrations of being bottled up and trying so very hard to want to break out and when I tried, I was strangled from all angles. And for the closing number, I felt the frustrations and contradictions between patriotism; wanting to be a part of this country I love so much and a system that is so unforgiving and discriminating to me because of my sexuality.

I was overwhelmed. My tears just fell. As I was driving home, I couldn't help once again but cried like a baby. While I have been telling myself I mustn't wallow, I find myself feeling miserable time and again.

I need to get myself composed and go on.

I owe it to myself to live my life as I want.