Bak Chang & I

Duanwu Jie (or 端午节, Dragon Boat Festival) has always been present in my family through the making of bak chang. My mother would prepare them, offer them to the gods, and share them with people who mattered to us. Although she is Peranakan, she would make the Hokkien-style savoury bak chang, shaped by my father’s and grandmother’s Hokkien background. Occasionally, she would also buy the sweet Peranakan-style nonya chang for us. I have always preferred the nonya version. My personal journey in making the chang began in 2003. I think I went through two major phases in my nonya chang making journey: an early experimentation or "fusion" phase, and a later maturation into the nonya style. What began as experimentation shaped by homesickness has, over time, grown into something grounded in memory, belonging, and continuity - and, ultimately, in how I understand my own identity.

I started making it in 2003 when I was based in Tampa. I was living in a western country, navigating life as a minority, and I remember a persistent sense of loneliness and distance from my cultural roots. Food became a way of returning to something familiar. In that space, I began experimenting with bak chang. There was no clear recipe at the start - only instinct and memory. I went to a Vietnamese grocery shop and bought the ingredients and bamboo leaves. What emerged was a version that, at times, resembled Hokkien choot bee png (fried glutinous rice) wrapped in bamboo leaves, rather than bak chang in its fully formed sense. To many of us Asians based in Tampa, however, it carried a familiar resonance of home, and it became an unexpected success among fellow Asian military personnel on base.

In the years that followed, after returning to Singapore, I began to refine the recipe through trial and error. My mother guided me in those early years, especially in emphasising the importance of coriander powder and winter melon. What emerged was a fusion version that I was rather proud of - it felt like a meeting point between my parents’ heritage: Hokkien on one side, Peranakan on the other. Yet beneath that satisfaction was a quieter pull. I had wanted to make nonya chang, but the result kept settling into something in-between. I knew the ingredient mix was not quite right but could not pinpoint exactly what. Still, I was elated that my parents, especially my mother, enjoyed what I made. I sometimes wondered whether her enjoyment was also shaped by her own Peranakan upbringing, something she had carried differently after marrying into my father’s more traditional Hokkien family.

Over time, I kept adjusting the recipe with each passing year. Each year brought small refinements, and gradually the nonya character became more distinct - the first real turning point being the removal of hae bee (dried shrimp) and an increase in coriander powder. What had once been experimentation slowly became something more intentional, as though I was uncovering rather than inventing it. I have continued this annual practice ever since, and this year I went further, making adjustments to both the ingredients and the cooking method. The filling was made more savoury; the rice given more depth with extra garlic, fresh and fried shallots; and salt added to the boiling water to prevent dilution of flavours during cooking. The outcome felt closer than ever to what I had been seeking.

Looking back, what stands out is not the technical evolution of the recipe, but the emotional thread running through it. Making nonya chang has become a quiet way of staying connected - to my heritage, my parents, and their histories. More than that, it has gradually become part of who I am.

Here's my latest recipe >> Nonya Chang 2026

Here's a quick explanation to what the festival is: >> The festival commemorates the patriot and poet Qu Yuan and celebrates the enduring values of loyalty, remembrance, and community. These days, families mark the occasion by enjoying the bak chang or rice dumplings together, watching or participating in dragon boat races, and gathering to preserve cultural traditions across generations. 

Grateful 3 & 4 Jun: Anchor

I have often gravitate towards significant events, meaningful encounters, or important lessons in my gratitude journals and have not paid enough attention to the simple things that quietly support my day-to-day life. So, in this post, let me give thanks for: 

• Sunshine. It's been bright and sunny these past 2 days. Rather than complaining about the heat, let me give thanks for the sunshine that brightens my day and allows me to go about my daily routines, whether it is heading to the coffee shop for my kopi-o kosong, doing my exercises around the estate, or simply enjoying a walk outdoors. It is such a simple thing, yet it brings a sense of ease and freedom that I often take for granted.

• Friends. These past 2 days, many people have checked in on me, and this evening, I met my ex-colleague turned friend D for dinner. So let me give thanks for them. These seemingly small gestures keep me connected and remind me that, even though I enjoy solitude, I am not alone. They reassure me that there are people who think of me, care about me, and remain part of my life. 

• Home. My home provides me with a comfortable space to rest, escape from the heat, work, and simply be myself. It is more than just a place to live. Reflecting on the past 3 decades, it has been the backdrop to countless moments shared with my parents, past partners, and my dog. It is also a place where my siblings and their families, relatives, friends, and colleagues have gathered. In many ways, it quietly holds the story of my life. 

So yes, these are things that feature so naturally in my daily life that I rarely stop to notice them. Yet they form the foundation upon which so much else rests. And I am deeply grateful to these people and things that is such an integral part of my life.

CNY & I (a Singaporean Chinese)

It is less than a week to Chinese New Year, and the rush has begun. When I was at Bedok Mall earlier, the supermarket was crowded despite it being a working weekday. People were stocking up for reunion dinners and CNY visits. I am sure some families will have their reunion dinners early before flying off for a holiday this weekend. Heading overseas during public holidays is a very Singaporean instinct. But CNY always brings us back to the table. For my family, our dining table tells a story.

My late mother is Straits-born - Peranakan - and food is serious business for nonyas. My paternal side traces its roots to Fujian, rich in Hokkien traditions. Growing up, I never saw these as two distinct inheritances, they simply coexisted. During CNY, our dining table is filled with Peranakan dishes such as chap chai, babi pongteh, and curry chicken; and they sit comfortably beside Hokkien dishes that carry strong symbolism. We will definitely have the humble leek (picture above from 2024 CNY), or "sng" in Hokkien. “Sng” sounds like “count”, and thus eating "sng" is a must so that we will have money to count in the coming year. Such details are never treated lightly - they carry hope.

And in my adult years, there is the yusheng. The name itself, carry auspicious meanings of "excess" and "greater heights". We stand around the table, chopsticks raised, calling out auspicious phrases as we toss the raw fish and shredded vegetables. Yusheng was invented in Singapore and is distinctly us. It is now an indispensable CNY dish locally. I see similar unions of heritages at reunion tables of relatives and friends. Some more distinct such as in my case, my mother’s Straits-born roots, and my father’s direct connection to Fujian; and some less, such as when their parents hail from different provinces in China.

My siblings and I inherit both - not preserving them unchanged, but living them in our own way. Each of us has picked up different dishes from mum, and over time we have added new ones that we learned along the way. Around the table, languages flow between English, dialect and Mandarin. Some rituals are observed carefully; others are adapted to fit modern times. We may travel. We may send greetings over WhatsApp. But when we gather, we honour both where we came from and where we are rooted now. Most importantly, we celebrate culture, traditions, and family bonds.

Perhaps that is what it means to be a Singaporean Chinese - not a fixed identity tied to a single homeland, but something layered, lived and evolving. We celebrate our Chineseness in symbolism, in food, in reunion - yet it is unmistakably shaped by the Singapore context. Each year, as we sit before plates of chap chai and leek, as we toss yusheng and shout blessings into the air, we are not just welcoming a new year. We are continuing a story - and shaping it into something distinctly our own.

Family ties

Since young, my mum had drilled me to assume the role of the “head” of the family in my dad’s absence. For example, during major prayers, when my dad was at work, she would get me to lead - kneeling in front of the altar, holding the family joss sticks, and offer the prayers. To a kid no more than 6-7 years of age, it was a tad overwhelming but my mum knelt behind me and guided me on what to say.

That was my upbringing and I have, since my dad’s passing almost two decades ago, become the de facto head of the family, represented my family at my cousins’ weddings and later their children’s. It’s a heavy responsibility, but one I take on with honour and pride. Such traditional practices, founded on Confucian values, are still observed by many Chinese families.

My dad was the second eldest son and became head of his family after my paternal grandfather and eldest uncle passed on. His siblings - all his sisters and his only younger brother - would make it a point to visit us during CNY to pay their respects (to my dad) and celebrate family ties. I deeply respect such traditional practices and have continued to observe them.

With my dad and uncles gone, my aunts and cousins no longer visit us. They are now the elders, and I, in turn, make it a point to buy CNY gifts for them and visit them during festivals. My aunts and cousins, on the other hand, will make it a point to invite me to join them for their family reunions and occasional dinners. Just me, not my siblings.

I appreciate their invitations and gestures. I enjoy these annual and regular get-togethers - they keep the family ties alive. But I also know that once my aunts pass on, these gatherings will stop. After all, as the Hokkien saying goes - monkeys will disperse once the tree falls. But for now, as long as the tree stands, we will continue to meet.

Looking forward to next week’s CNY reunion dinner with my aunt’s family. She has called me several times over the past couple of weeks - to remind me and ask what dishes I want to eat. And she had also reminded me - don’t buy anything too expensive, just something simple is good enough.

Heh…

Picture from https://studycli.org/learn-chinese/chinese-family-tree/

Grateful - 28 Jan: Giving & Getting Help

Today, I want to focus on people. I gave an elderly friend a haircut, received Chinese New Year goodies from another, and, as always, was reminded of the many friends and family who consistently support and encourage me. Here are the details:

• It is gratifying to have the ability to help others. Today, it was my ability to cut people’s hair. I’m not formally trained, but I’ve observed hairdressers closely, and over time, I’ve been able to give simple haircuts to my mom, dad, brother, nieces and nephews, ex, and lately, friends - or anyone willing to let me try. Today, I gave an elderly friend a haircut. Last year after cutting his hair, he said it’s a tad too short, but two days later, he texted again to say how nice it looks. And similarly, he said it’s too short again this year, despite checking with him on the length constantly. Haha… Regardless, I’m glad I could bring a smile to him, and I truly appreciate his curry chicken for me.

• I am grateful to my friend (the one who has esophageal cancer) for stopping by with a bagful of Chinese New Year cookies and a box of bak kwa (sweetened pork jerky). As I was away, he left it outside my door. I imagine this is his way of showing appreciation for my visits to him at the hospital, and for the friendship we’ve shared over the short months I’ve known him. Whatever the reason, I’m glad I could bring him some cheer, and I have enjoyed our moments together.

• Lastly, I am grateful to friends and family who consistently support and encourage me. I’m reminded of them daily through the food I enjoy. And today, I had home-cooked chicken curry (thanks to J, point 1 above), stewed chicken with mushrooms and bananas (thanks to my sister), kefir (from a dear friend who made a difference in my life last year), and, of course, Chinese New Year goodies (thanks to T, point 2 above).

Even though I may be living on my own, my life feels enriched not just by experiences, but also by the people around me. People may come and go, but recognizing this transient nature of relationships allows me to move past previous misgivings, appreciate the present, and avoid placing too many expectations from them for the future.

Slight regrets

13th Anniversary

Thirteen years ago today my dad passed away. 

Commemorated the anniversary yesterday. Went to the columbarium to pay my respects to him. 

Time flies indeed.

2019 - uneventfully fulfilling

It actually took me a while to think about what I want to christen 2019. And it was not because 2019 was a difficult year for me. Rather, when I thought about it, only one word came to mind and it was  work, work, work, work and more work. But to be fair to myself, I had to take other aspects of my life into my thoughts and so, I concluded tentatively on the term “uneventful".  Frankly, even as I am typing this now, I am wondering if there are other terms that could be used. But well, let’s use this for now and see if my thoughts shift as I write. For this blog, I will use a slightly different format. I will write about the key themes/ happenings that defined 2019 instead of the usual themes of family, personal life, friends, and so on that I had used in previous years. Here goes, and in no order of priority... 

1 - My heart procedure & health

I went for my stenting procedure in Jan 19. It was a second heart procedure for me, the first being the ablation procedure that I did in Oct 18. The procedure was rather straight forward - puncture a hole in the artery at my groin area, insert the tube to the heart, insert the stent, balloon it, extract the tube and patch me up... The months that followed were uneventful, almost routine. And this was due to the need to be compliant with my medication. Really, I have never been more compliant about taking my meds until this year. On the flip side, 2019 was also the year where my presbyopia got worst, my memory seemed to get worse, I increasingly felt the effects of nerve compression, etc. and  I crossed  85kg. It occurred sometime in the middle of the year. I had slowed down my activities tremendously after my heart procedure. Anyway, I decided I should manage my weight better and I am glad to note that I ended 2019 at about 82kg. This is about 20kg above my ideal weight based on my BMI. Let’s see if I can bring down this further in 2020. 

2 - Organising major events at work

I had assumed a new port folio at work since Dec 18. One of the key responsibility for me was in the areas of asset activation.  Thus came the tasks of running and managing a newly renovated facility and organising of events as part of the broader plan to strengthen engagement and promoting collaboration. This responsibility became a major pre-occupation through the year and it culminated in my organising of 3-4 major events concurrently between the months of Sep - Nov 19. It was really exhausting but at the same time very fulfilling, considering I had a new team and we were all grappling with our new roles. I can expect more of such events to come in 2020. It’s gonna be scary yet exciting. Hopefully my heart can take this stress. 

3 - Meeting his friends

Ever since getting together with PZ in Dec 18, I had accompanied him back to KL quite regularly, often to meet his friends whenever any of them celebrated their birthdays. And all the time, he will leave me alone whenever he met up with his friends. As for me, I will end up being alone wilding my time either in the hotel room or walking around aimlessly at shopping centers. During the last visit that occurred end-Dec 19, I was surprised when he asked me to join him and his friends for dinner. This was perhaps one major highlight for me for the year and, I supposed, for him too, considering how secretive he was when I first knew him. 

4 - I'm Singaporean - Proudly

In 2019, we both lost our passports. It happened in Malaysia during one of the drive up to Kuala Lumpur. The process we had to go through to to report the loss and for him to get a replacement was nothing short of a nightmare. Thankfully, it was a lot easier for me given the backing I had from the Singapore overseas mission in Johor Bahru. It was then that I appreciated the efficiency of the Singapore system. When shit happened, I bitched big time about the inefficiencies and the horrible mindsets of the Malaysians. But to put in perspective, I had to also remind myself that Singapore went through the same some decades ago. Perhaps they will take some time, but for now, I can only say I am glad I'm Singaporean.

5 - Traveling overseas

2019 was a year of travels for me. I started off telling myself I wanted to at least be able to travel once a month. I acknowledged that to some, such a target would have sounded quite nonsensical. But to me, it was something I wanted to achieve since the previous 2 years following my mum's demise. In a way, I supposed, it was my way of playing catch-up. And I am glad to say - I managed to eventually clock an average of 4 trips overseas a month in 2019. Of these, 3-4 were rather major ones - Osaka, Xiamen, Jakarta, Taiwan. But targets aside, what's most important was the fact that these traveling gave me the much needed break away from work and  kept me sane and sorted through the year.

6 - Meeting my aunt

Over the past couple of years, I had come to acknowledge that my parent's generation is slowly fading away and that in no time, all of them would be gone. And I said so especially for my mum's side where almost all of her siblings have passed on. And it was a really nice surprise to be able to chance upon my 3rd aunt (my mum's sister-in-law) one day early Dec 19 when I went for lunch at Tanjong Rhu. I learned from her maid that she's 90 this year and is suffering from dementia. She couldn't recognise me when I called out to her. But she was able to recall my mum. Elated to note that her dementia is the "happy" type where she's constantly cheerful and smiling. And through the hour of my chatting with her, she kept forgetting who I was and I had to repeat again and again who I was. Sadly, when I met her again in the last week of Dec 19, her memory had deteriorated and she couldn't remember even my mum... I supposed she was stressed by the fact that her maid will be leaving for home on 31 Dec. 

7 - Re-settling my grandma & uncle

It was a promise I made to my mum - that I will re-settle my grandma and my uncle when the time comes for them to be exhumed from their graves. Their exhumation was eventually completed in Nov 19 and their new resting place is within the same block of niche that housed my parents remains too. And I had to thank my cousin (who kept my grandma's burial records) for keeping me in mind when it was time to do so. I reflected on this and came to the conclusion that after my generation (or rather, me and a couple of my cousins), no one else would be doing due diligence to upkeep the niche, nor to pay respects to my grands. And such thoughts simply reinforced my desire to just get a sea burial when my time comes and not leave anything behind other than memories for people who know me.

8 - My family outside my family

2019 was the year where all my friends from my previous company had finally moved out of the company and joined other companies. In a way, it was a milestone for us all cos our departure from the company started some 3 years back when the company was acquired by the SIA group. We all had it bad following the acquisition. Some of us left earlier whereas others bit the bullet and stayed (either to build their resume or to await better opportunities). What's significant for me was the fact that this was the group of friends who stayed together, and bonded well through these 3 years. And during this time, each of them had had their respective life's defining moments (passing on of parents, grandparents, marital issues, partner issues, etc, etc etc) and everyone were there to support the affected one when it happened. With time, many have come to treat each other like a family and a couple of them now call me "baba" quite affectionately too. 

9 - Marking a decade in corporate life

2019 marked a full decade out of the military for me. I have grown much during this period. I recalled wondering how I would ever survive the corporate world when I was preparing to leave the forces. But the transition had been easier than I had expected. I had the opportunities to work with very inspirational people who supported and guided me through the years. I will single out the boss I had when I was in the airline as well as my previous boss of my current employment. Both were easy to work with and gave me the space to exercise my leadership to my team. For the former, I will forever be grateful to her for her understanding and magnanimity in allowing me full flexibility to work from home if I needed to. Her understanding helped me through a most challenging period then when I had to balance my work and taking care of my mum. 

10 - Cleared my housing loan & bought a car

I managed to clear my housing loans after almost 25 years. Quite a sense of relieve. And with this liability removed, I was able to divert the extra cash into a new car loan... so, in a way, I'm back to square one when it comes to financial liabilities... lol! 

11 - Letting go

You know, there comes a time in your life where you feel like it is time to let go and to not be tied up with all the different attachments that hold you back - either emotionally, psychologically or otherwise. I had quite a few such moments in 2019 and I am glad I made the move to let things go. Some of the things I did include releasing Sapphie's bones into the seas, discarding my dad's bed (not because I was sentimental, but I thought one day I might find a use for it), donating a whole lot of clothes to the Salvation Army, etc... I certainly felt a whole lot lighter.

Well, the above kinda capture some of the more defining moments/ themes of 2019 for me. Rather uneventful frankly speaking. Then again, I proudly say I had indeed taken good care of myself - considering all the trips I have made. And with this, I shall name 2019 as an "uneventfully fulfilling" year. For 2020, I will want to keep things simple. I will not pressure myself with any tall resolutions. Instead, I will simply aim to be happy, and to keep my health in check.

:-)

Of Death Anniversary & Ghost Festival

The 7th month of the lunar calendar is the month of the Hungry Ghost Festival where Taoists believe that spirits of the underworld would be released to roam the living realm. As a Buddhist, I commemorate it as the month of filial piety and respect for our elders.

August is also the month of my dad's passing in 2008. Time flies, it's been 11 years. His anniversary date was 10 Aug and we've commemorated his passing on this day instead of the lunar date (10th day of the 7th lunar month). I supposed it's easier to remember (although I admit I actually forgot to do it this year).

So yeah, here I am at the columbarium today to do due diligence to these two events.

:-)

catch up post...

been away from my blog for almost 2 months. have been very overwhelmed by life and work, particularly work. not so much life, cos with so much going on at work, there was absolutely no life. heh... but well, am managing... will not attempt to write everything, post by post, as what i had done previously. but here's a quick summary of what i've been up to/ events that affected me:

• a headhunter called me sometime end-march. referred by an ex-colleague. decided to just try out and check out the role. end up the hiring company was so wow-ed by my credentials that they are really pushing to hire me. spoke with my previous boss/ coach and she encouraged me to give it a go. she shared her observation that i was happiest when i was with my previous company. she's very sharp. i told the hiring company i will not consider moving anytime before end-june. currently handling some major project and think it is only right for me to complete this before i leave. 

• for now, i have just completed a personality test. the headhunter told me that they are ready to make me an offer. in addition, i was also told that they are ok to wait for me till august and have stopped interviewing any more candidates. so, it seemed like they are more or less fixed on me. i am, however, sticking to my line that i will not leave until after june due to a project. of cos, the other consideration, is that i will be receiving my bonus end-june. and i have been told i have been rated very well. so... i must at least get my bonus before i consider leaving.

• work was terrible. terrible. terrible. too many major projects at hand. almost one major project a month. delivering overseas program in april, completing one major audit and another major program locally in may, organising a regional summit in jun, complete a renovation project in july, a global learning event in august, and the list goes on... at least one major project each month and that means at any one time, i have 2-3 projects at hand, each at different stage of planning. and these are on top of many unrealistic kpi to meet by year end (i think i have 20 over of them). team is feeling the stress the the mood at work is getting really bad. 

• everyone seemed to be tripping over each other. not very pleasant. and it didn't help that my schedule is packed to the brim with meetings daily. and to think this is only the start of the fy... cannot believe it. i don't think i'm the only one feeling the stress. many of my colleagues in other departments are resigning one by one too. and added to the projects and unrealistic kpi, i am also now expected to now head up a new set up once the renovations is completed. to make it even more challenging, i am expected to run this new facility with only one new additional headcount. not possible at all in my opinion.

• to make things worst, i am having a lot of issues with the person that i recently recruited. took my almost 6 months to finally fill the position. the person filling it was someone whom had worked with me in my previous employment and who got along very well years ago.  but since joining me, i have lots of challenges. culture fit, differences in views and too keen to want to change things and refusing to work within the system. my appetite for new ideas too fast too sudden is very limited given the unrealistic kpi.

• amidst the heightened stress due to unrealistic kpi, work was also impacted by incompetent staff who cannot pull their weight, slip shot in their work and expect me to cover for them. my last straw was when i called one of the staff to settle some urgent tasks for me and in return, this staff told me to do it cos she's going home... had to call her up and counsel her the next day. not acceptable.

• sad to know that my favourite polar bear had to be put down. was such a huge affair when he was born in 1990 boxing day. was all excited when it happened. but all too soon, he's old and has lotsa old age-related health issues. when i read about the possibility of him being put down, i went to visit him before i left for my overseas trip. managed to catch him before he was eventually put down when i was overseas for my biz-trip. quite depressed by his passing.

• was away on a week-long biz trip to the states at the end of april. was terribly cold but things went rather smoothly. went to japan tokyo for a week after that and managed to recuperate there before coming home. bee went for the tokyo trip too. been a very long while since he could spend time with me on a trip.

• trip to tokyo was bad. we planned to spend a total of 7 days there. first 3-4 days was nothing but arguments and awkward silence. the place did not meet his expectations and he was disappointed. he was supposed to plan the itinerary but did nothing. so we ended up being rather spontaneous and just go to wherever we feel like going daily. it didn't help that it clashed with the golden week and everywhere we went were crowded.

• we planned to spend 7 days there but on the 6th day late morning, his mum called and said she had a fall. he booked an urgent flight home and i ended up spending the last evening by myself. well, i guess this last few hours was the space i needed although i did nothing but just walk around town, and purchased some personal effects from the local gay shop. realised i had been away myself so often that it felt different to be on holiday with him.

• on the home front, lots happened too. all the routine stuff and to do my dues as a son, and a grandson. commemorated qing ming (tomb sweeping day), visited and caught up with my aunt and her family, extended family dinner, etc. this, perhaps, was the only positive thing that happened over the last 2 months.

• on the friend front, haven't had any time to catch up with anyone at all apart from perhaps one or two impromptu dinners when our times match. i did, however, managed to coach a couple of ex-colleagues and friends in their job search process. changing jobs is not easy, especially when it comes to writing resumes, preparing for and going through interviews, and negotiating for pay. glad to see them find new jobs - better paying ones - after struggling through their current role in the company (my previous company). really happy for them. 

• have been succumbing to ill health pretty often lately. fell ill due to flu twice. and i find that i am taking a longer time than usual to recover these days. just last week, half way through the japan trip, i developed a terrible sore throat. it developed into a full blown flu and sinus when i landed back in singapore. was on mc on monday but had to work from home. struggled through the week and i am 80% recovered now. the nose is still terribly blocked and the cough is still quite bad. otherwise, the body aches and fever had gone. i suspect the work stress is creating havoc for me health-wise.

• i am really entertaining the thought of just dropping everything and quitting, especially now that i have an impending offer at hand. but on one hand, i feel like i am shirking my responsibility, yet on the other hand, i really think i want to be fair to myself. it's no point continuing and letting it affect my health. being able to deliver does not mean, and cannot mean, i can now deliver the sky, and more. and despite voicing out my concerns and displeasure, my boss just told me that i have no choice but to do it cos it is from the big boss.

• amidst all these, i received news quite a bit of news about my eldest sis and her family. firstly, she had had a new grandson. born in dec last year. also, she is suffering from cancer of the bone. not sure which stage, but she had undergone treatment since jan last year. she had kept it away from the rest of us. understand that she recently opened up to my brother (whom she is in contact with) and he now distant himself away from her. sad indeed. i have since contacted my brother-in-law and reach out to him if he needs any support. this is the burden of information. i now know, but have to pretend i do not know, and secretly reach out to my brother-in-law cos she is still not willing to talk to me.

• also received news that my second sis is undergoing further checks after finding a lump in her breast. biopsy on-going and she'll know whether its benign or malignant this coming week. another whammy for me to know of another person in the family being diagnose with something nasty. let's see how things go. we are all in our 50s. if things must happen, this is probably the time to happen...

this was just a quick summary of all the things that had been bugging me. of cos there are other less significant ones such as car breakdowns, repairs, etc. but it all adds up - totally exhausted. i have hardly any time for myself. and coupled with bee being so consumed by his own work, i do find myself being rather unhappy on the personal front. of cos, the usual weekly midnight shows continued, but it had become all too routine. so, yeah, nett nett - overwhelmed. 

should i drop everything and leave my job?

51

today marked the start of my 51st year on this planet.

uneventful. quite a few wishes from my friends throughout the day. and truth be told, the first wish that came in this morning by edwin made me smile. i was feeling somewhat down these few weeks given the constant neglect by bee. it was his work all the time and there was hardly any attention by him. i was so totally pissed off. he didn't even wish me happy birthday (not that i was yearning for it)... and it was non-stop unfulfilled promises - i'll go bangkok with you, i'll come back by this time, i'll do this, or i'll do that, or... and so, with an email from edwin from faraway, it felt good. it made me smile. thanks edwin.

the rest of the day passed by uneventfully. i told myself i will make the best of today. woke up, went for breakfast, and headed to my late-mum's place to place the property-tax letter into the postbox. i was not about to pay the tax now that i had handed over the property to my brother. he should jolly well settle it himself. went to pay respect to my parents after that. visiting the cemetery has been a routine for me these days. on my way home, i decided to give myself a birthday treat and booked an appointment for a body massage in the afternoon. it was just so relaxing. i was so relaxed and felt exhausted by the end of the day, i simply collapsed in bed for a nap. woke up early evening, changed up and headed to town to attend a colleague's son's wedding. 

that was how i spend my birthday. told myself that only i can take care of myself and i kept reminding myself not to feel disappointed with bee, although frankly, i was on the verge of telling him that if his work is so important to the point of neglecting me (since the last couple of years), then we might was well call this relationship off. 

but well, let's not think too much and just focus on myself.

:-)

sapphie @ home

i've been searching for a small dog figurine to place at my parent's niche at the columbarium for the longest time. finally found it two weeks ago and got it installed last week. cute right?

:-)

quietness of the cemetery

it's become a routine for me to visit to the columbarium every few weeks to pay respects to my parents. once a while, i'd also drive through the cemetery next to it to get a moment of peace. for some reasons, cemeteries give me a sense of quiet and calms me. this weekend, i decided i'd just park my car at the columbarium and take a walk into the cemeteries instead. the sun wasn't too harsh and i also wanted to do some exercise. it was a good and interesting walk, going through the different blocks of burial sites that was filled through the different decades past. 

as i walked, the folds of the hills and rows and rows of graves appeared neatly in front of me. such a scene is not common locally and felt somewhat surreal. i walked pass the site where my paternal grandmother used to be buried before we exhumed her some time back. i recognised the huge angsana tree beside the grave that still stand today. i also visited the graves of my maternal grandmother and my uncle and i reflected on their lives as i looked at their photos. it is easy to recognise my grandma as my mum bore an exact semblance to her. she didn't like my mum when she was alive as my mum couldn't give her monthly allowances. also, coming from a traditional peranakan (straits-borned chinese) family, there was a natural tendency to favour boys to girls. as for my uncle, i reflected on the stories shared by my mum about him. he committed suicide by hanging himself at the age of 29 on 2 nov 1965, a year before i was born. and he took his life, to my understanding, due to heaps of debt as a result of gambling, and my granddad's disapproval of his intense relationship with a malay-muslim woman. cross-cultural and cross-religion relationships was considered taboo back in those days.

when i looked at their photographs and reflected on their life's stories, i also wondered if i should arrange for them to be exhumed and for their ashes to be kept at the columbarium. traditionally such exhumation is done by the families of male descendants but all my uncles had died and i don't think my cousins would do so for my grandma. and for my uncle, he was single and has no direct descendants to undertake the exhumation. i knew that doing so would be a huge disturbance to their rest but it is something that has to be done given the government's ongoing program to exhume old graves to make way for new burials. unclaimed graves would be exhumed and the remains kept for 3 years before they are scattered at sea. it would not be nice to allow this to be done especially when we are still around. i decided then to write an email to the agency responsible for exhumation to check what the procedures are, especially when i do not have their death certificates. let's see what they come back with. 

all said and done, i have always enjoyed my visits to the columbarium and the cemetery. i really like the peace and quiet of the place (although it do not do justice to the many untold stories of people resting here). it is a good getaway from the busy and complex world of the living. it relaxes me.

no dumpling

i didn't make the meat dumpling this year during the dragon boat festival. remembered what mum told me - you cannot make dumpling while you are mourning. the act of tying the dumpling is akin to you tying the heart of the deceased. i recalled mum's warning when i wanted to make dumpling after dad's passing... so, this time round, it was not due to dad's passing but hers'. and so, for the second year, i did not make the dumpling.

should be able to do it next year.

niece & nephew

my maid visited me today and shared quite a bit about my niece and nephew. they still remember me! it's been almost a year since i last contacted them and they both remembered the times we played together and would at times reminisce those moments!

but sadly, for my niece, she has learned to keep quiet and not talk about me. this was so becos whenever she mentioned about me, she'd get a scolding from my brother. other than that, she has grown up well and is now in primary one. as for my nephew, he still talks about me and when his father chide him for that, he would defend me. so funny right? haha... but whenever he did so, my brother would threaten to chase him out of the house and tell him to come live with me. this would send him crying. to a 4-year old kid, being thrown out of the house would be terribly traumatic. and i wondered why the hell my brother would resort to such threats.

my maid also shared a couple of other things with me. my brother continues to constantly demonise me in front of his kids. he would blame me for every thing bad that happened in the family while at the same time attribute all good things to himself. and he always complained that nobody in the family bother to visit the columbarium to pay respects to my parents. i just simply shook my head and kept quiet. those are his opinions and he is entitled to it. it didn't matter to me.

i also learned one interesting thing - that my brother and his wife also feared that one day, my nephew would leave home and come to stay with me (weird right? considering he always threaten my nephew to throw him out of the house). and the fear arose from the many habits they are seeing of my nephew and traits that reminded my brother of me. for example, my nephew would be very nice and greet people (strangers) when he meets them in the lift. he would also bid them good bye when he walks out of the lift... top of it all, my nephew looks more and more like me with time. 

lol!

ps: but seriously, i hope my brother doesn't transfer his negative feelings about me towards his son. i think it is unlikely but i cannot predict my brothers' behaviour once he gets angry. 

我变了我没变

the thing about new years is that it makes me reflective. lots of thoughts went through my head today and i felt the need to look for a safe haven. in the end, i decided to pay a visit to the columbarium to pay respects to my parents. i had the radio switched on and this song came on as i was driving home. it was a song that i enjoyed tremendously but had not give a second thought to it often a times. i decided to google it after listening to it and capture it here. the lyrics resonate with me. and ooo, the singer 杨宗纬 is cute, isn't he? enjoy!

作词/ 作曲：小柯

*

一天宛如一年

一年宛如一天

任时光流转

我还是我

一遍用了千遍

千遍只为一遍

当回忆久远

初心始现

我做了那么多改变

只是为了我心中不变

默默地深爱着你

无论相见不相见

我做了那么多改变

只是为了我心中不变

我多想你看见

repeat once from *

我做了那么多改变

只是为了我心中不变

默默地深爱着你

无论相见不相见

#

我做了那么多改变

只是为了我心中不变

我多想你看见

repeat once from #

a meaningful saturday

saturday was a really meaningful one for me personally. in one trip, i managed to donate sapphie's bowls, paid respects to all the elders in my extended family and gave all the documents to my brother. 

i had wanted to pay respects to my elders for the longest time and finally got about doing it yesterday. i visited the mandai columbarium to pay respects to my late second aunt and uncle (my mum's second sis and her husband). my uncle had passed away less than a month after mum and thus we were not told of his passing. and as i was overseas when they commemorated the 100th day of his passing, i could not be there. so, i have been telling myself that i need to at least pay a visit to the niche to pay my respects to him. it was way overdue. i was happy to see him finally resting in peace and reunited with my aunt.

i also went to the choa chu kang columbarium to pay respects to my parents. i did not go there during tomb sweeping day and thought i should pay them a belated visit. also, with the recent happenings between my brother and i, i felt it was right for me to pay them a visit. but no, my visit was not to seek forgiveness nor to get any agreement. there was no such requirements for i did not do anything wrong. my parents may be gone, but being physically there next to their remains has a calming effect on me. i brought along some flowers to place on their niche too and as i did so, i noted someone had place some flowers there too. managed to also brush off the ashes and dust that had settled on the existing floral arrangements (that i arranged using the flowers from the wreath of mum's funeral). thought they looked very pretty.

as i was at the choa chu kang columbarium, i also made a visit to pay my respects to my paternal grandparents and placed some flowers onto their niche too. i would previously bring mum to pay respects to them but i had not done so since her passing. and thus, i thought it was high time i pay them a visit. last but not least, i also placed some flowers onto the niche of my mum's third sister. it had been slightly more than 12 years since she passed away, but looking at her photo, it seemed like just not too long ago when i spoke with her.

it was a trip that brought my one round the island. but it was a meaningful one for me. i felt very at peace after the trip, and i must add, somewhat emotional. it was indeed a good saturday.

the silver lining

i regretted all that had happened over the last few weeks and i walked out of my brother's place feeling very mixed saturday.

on one hand i felt very unwelcomed, very judged and very wronged. yet i told myself that as long as my conscience are clear, i shouldn't be too bothered about what they thought of me. they are not me and i do not and cannot expect them to see things the way i see. i also felt very sad for the 2 kids. they are so small and they have full of potential in them. and i fear they may not have the proper conditions to be brought up well. then again, i reminded myself that i have to give my trust to the fact that all parents would want their kids to grow up well and that their parents would do the same.

yet on the other hand, i felt relieved that there will soon be a finality to the whole issue of maid, and the house and most importantly, i can start to live the life i want without having to consider for and be tied down by my brother (which ends up with him trying to control me instead). this, perhaps is the silver lining to this whole development.

and this would probably also mean the end of the toxic relationship between me and my brother. and when i think through all these, i felt sad for him. he has himself to overcome in order for him live a happy life. i bear him no grudge. what he is today is clearly his own making. and to a large extent, he is a direct result of being spoilt by my dad since young. and ironically, because of my dad's spoiling him since young, i dare say he had for the longest time this inferiority complex when he compared himself to me. i am, after all, ahead of him in my academic achievements, my work, my calm, etc. and i suspect my insistence to have him take over the flat made him even more frustrated. he would probably felt happier if i had fought with him over such things. 

perhaps the end of this relationship will allow him to start his life anew. i cannot help it if he wants to continue to bear grudges against me, view me negatively or feel inferior to me. i cannot influence nor control him and do not want to do so. i can only leave him to manage his own life. as for me, i will live my life as i deemed fit.

happy & gay.

post-death - the house

it's been 5 months since my mum's passing and it looked like there'll be a closure to the issue of the house she left behind finally. but regretfully, things have gotten as messy as it possibly could. then again, it didn't come as a surprise.

it all started before my dad passed away in 2008. back then, i had told him to will it to my brother. i had anticipated problems with the issue of inheritance from the trend of how i see my brother manage my parent's assets. and to make it worst, my dad had this habit of being inconsistent in his communications and liked to take sides, depending on who's in his good books at that particular point in time. so in front of my brother, he would tell my brother that he would inherit the house when he passed on, and in front of me, he would tell me it belonged to me. i had known this habit of my dad and had advised him that he should just will it to my brother. as for the reasons why my sisters were not in the equation, it was simply because my dad's mindset was that of a typical traditional chinese man - daughters are married out and thus no longer are entitled to any inheritance. it was also fortunate that my sisters did not ask for it. my dad eventually left without a will and the house was inherited by my mum according to local laws.

when my mum was alive, i had asked my brother to help my mum make a will and that it should state that he should be the sole beneficiary of the house. i did not ask further after saying this and i only found out about the real existence of this will after my mum died. it all happened when my brother approached me about a month after her death and talked to me about taking over this house from him.  i told him i will check about the local laws about inheritance and get back to him. he wanted to pass the will to me but i did not take it. i reckoned it will be less of a liability for me if he were to keep the will himself. nonetheless, he passed the hub's letter (that stated the need for him to take over the house) to me and asked me to engage a lawyer to "sort it out and that he will simply sign the documents when needed" (despite him being the executor). that was what i did. i found out that the local laws state that the beneficiary would have to sell the house if he/ she owns a hdb flat. the beneficiary would only be able to inherit the flat if he/ she owns a private property and that he/ she would have to stay in the house. this is where all the trouble began.

my brother currently owns a hdb flat while i own a private property. and he didn't want to sell house as he felt it was of good location and could appreciate further in the years to come. and in the meantime, he wanted to use it to obtain passive income by renting it out. when i told him about the local laws, he said that i could be a ghost resident instead, i.e., take over the house, then shift some of my stuff in but not stay there. and if hdb were to conduct spot checks, i should just get the tenant to lie to them that it is owner-occupied. this, according to him, was what "many of his friends are doing and i should not be so stupid as to be adhere to the govenrment's ruling so rigidly". he got angry when i suggested moving in and instead rent out my current house. he accused me of not being co-operative and after that, he refused to talk to me. it was at that point that i thought it would be easier to just let him decide how to deal with the house and not involve me. to me, i was not about to allow him to use my name to break the law.

cut the long story short, after my silence and after the dog died, he eventually decided to sell off his current house and move in to my parent's house. how the dogs death got intertwined into this whole affair... read on in future entries.

清明2016

this year's 清明节 (tomb-sweeping day) will fall on 4 apr 2016, tomorrow. in singapore (and i am not about its practice elsewhere), we will head to the cemetery/ columbarium, etc to pay respects to our deceased members of our families and it can be done up to 10 days before and up to 10 days after the actual day. that is to say, there is a window of 21 days to commemorate 清明节 every year. 

for mum, it will be her first 清明节 and we've been advised by the undertaker previously that we have to commemorate it early, before the actual day and that means latest by today (3 apr 2016). frankly, i don't wish to do it. i find it a terrible hassle to head to the place to do all the prayers etc. it is rather meaningless as i personally think the person exist in the heart and that heading to the columbarium to pay respects is not needed. perhaps it is relevant during the days when cemeteries were far away and where people visit tombs once a year. but in today's context, i personally think it'll be more important to remember the person rather than the act of going to the tomb (or for that matter, the columbarium). nonetheless, in the spirit of traditions and fulfilling my duties as the son, i will would have to do it. yet on the other hand, i don't feel too good about it. have been feeling rather down lately. am still reeling from sapphie's death and frankly have not fully adjusted to a house without her. and with the undercurrents with my brother (especially over the house my mum left behind, and the maid), i really do not wish to see him. also, whenever it comes to tomb-sweeping day, he will also have this differences in view about paying respects to my grandparents too. for me, i will do it, but for him, he liked to transfer his tensions towards my aunts onto my late grandparents and thus refused to pay respects to them. that had always been a source of anger for my mum when she was alive. but well... added to all these, i have not fully recovered from my recent bout of conjunctivitis and am still a little feverish. well, the redness has largely cleared, but there were a couple of small sty that appeared and its not very comfortable. 

in the end, and balancing all the factors above, i decided to tell my brother i won't be going for to the columbarium (using my health as an excuse). nonetheless, i purchased all the joss papers, boxes, etc and passed them to him yesterday. i dropped them outside his residence and i left. and for some reasons, when i left his house, i felt a little overwhelmed with emotions and i cried as i drove home. memories of my mum came crashing back... yup, one of those moments again. although it hardly happens these days.

sighs.