the silver lining

i regretted all that had happened over the last few weeks and i walked out of my brother's place feeling very mixed saturday.

on one hand i felt very unwelcomed, very judged and very wronged. yet i told myself that as long as my conscience are clear, i shouldn't be too bothered about what they thought of me. they are not me and i do not and cannot expect them to see things the way i see. i also felt very sad for the 2 kids. they are so small and they have full of potential in them. and i fear they may not have the proper conditions to be brought up well. then again, i reminded myself that i have to give my trust to the fact that all parents would want their kids to grow up well and that their parents would do the same.

yet on the other hand, i felt relieved that there will soon be a finality to the whole issue of maid, and the house and most importantly, i can start to live the life i want without having to consider for and be tied down by my brother (which ends up with him trying to control me instead). this, perhaps is the silver lining to this whole development.

and this would probably also mean the end of the toxic relationship between me and my brother. and when i think through all these, i felt sad for him. he has himself to overcome in order for him live a happy life. i bear him no grudge. what he is today is clearly his own making. and to a large extent, he is a direct result of being spoilt by my dad since young. and ironically, because of my dad's spoiling him since young, i dare say he had for the longest time this inferiority complex when he compared himself to me. i am, after all, ahead of him in my academic achievements, my work, my calm, etc. and i suspect my insistence to have him take over the flat made him even more frustrated. he would probably felt happier if i had fought with him over such things. 

perhaps the end of this relationship will allow him to start his life anew. i cannot help it if he wants to continue to bear grudges against me, view me negatively or feel inferior to me. i cannot influence nor control him and do not want to do so. i can only leave him to manage his own life. as for me, i will live my life as i deemed fit.

happy & gay.