of graduations & spiders...

i was at a beach resort, supposedly for a break (not too sure), but for some reasons, the purpose of why i was there became unclear cos there were training rooms in the resort and there were on-going training. and then it became a case where i was supposed to attend a graduation ceremony in one of the training room located at a block of units next to the resort. and then for some unknown reasons, i was supposed to bring along a spider (for that matter, a huge black tarantula-like spider) to the graduation. weird right? so, there i was, needing to catch a spider... i looked at the time, it was 9.55am. the graduation was to start at 10am. that means i have exactly 5min to catch a spider and to find my way to the graduation. i know i will be late cos it will take me time to catch a spider, and catching a spider that size would be difficult.

i was reminded that the spider in question could be found inside a nearby classroom and made my way there. there was an ongoing lesson and in order not to disturb the class, i tiptoed into the class. and as the spider was found near the ceiling, i had to climb up the wall. to do so, i had to use my fingers to cling onto the metal railings that (for some reasons) lined the wall. i climbed (like spiderman) and swung my body as i made my way around the corner of the ceiling and the wall (just like how spiderman would do). in no time, i found the big black spider and i quickly whipped out a plastic bag (actually it was the cling wrap - the type used to wrap sandwiches) and grab the spider. the spider struggled but my actions was too fast for it and in no time, i managed to contain it within the cling wrap.

with the spider finally caught, i quickly rushed to the graduation location. but things got tricky, the graduation room was no where to be found. and for some reasons, i had to take a bus to reach it. i knew i was terribly late for the graduation ceremony and it made it even more challenging for me cos (again, for some reasons), my boss will be at the graduation ceremony. a bus appeared and i boarded it. it was an interesting journey cos the bus (don't remember there was a driver) cut across hilly areas across mud tracks and grass patches and finally came to a housing estate. this, i was told, was where the graduation location was located. there were a few blocks of flats there. the exact location didn't matter. 

i checked the time and noted that it was already 10.15am. but i told myself - heck it! they cannot do anything about it cos i am the boss and i call the shots. nonetheless, it was not nice to be too late, and so i disembarked from the bus and ran and ran and ran towards the blocks of flat. for some reasons, the cling wrap (that contained the spider) came loose and the spider ran out! i panicked and tried to catch spider, but it dropped onto the ground and it quickly burrowed into the ground! there was no way for me to get to the graduation without the spider and i frantically dug the soil to look for it. when i eventually found the spider, it was wet (from the soil moisture) and half dead. 

for some reasons, someone was beside me and noted that what i dug out was not just the spider, but a whole lot of what appeared to be frog's eggs. that person asked what those egg-like things were and there was a sense of fear. i took a closer look and concluded that those were not eggs. they were papaya seeds. in fact, in digging out the spider from the ground, i had unearthed two holes where someone had previously buried a whole lot of papaya seeds. it was then that i realised there were quite a few papaya trees nearby. but it didn't matter. i needed to get the spider to the graduation ceremony. 

and i starting running towards the blocks of flats. what happened next was a blur. it seemed like as i ran, everything i carried dropped and fell onto the ground. and i had to frantically pick the things up as i rushed towards the block. next thing i knew, i was on a cement pavement between a few blocks of flats. i realised i didn't know the exact location of the graduation, but for some reasons, (i think i used google map), i was told i should go to this particular block number, and unit number. i looked up and the block was right in front of me. i walked towards it and there was a bright and shiny golden buddha figurine at the base of the block. the brightness was blinding and...

i woke up.

nsa

is there really such a thing as nsa fun? i asked myself this question cos to me, i think it is really difficult not to have lingering thoughts about the person you had fun (sex) with right? or for that matter, how can you really enjoy sex if there is absolutely no connections with the person at all. also, thinking of this question reminded me of another question - "is there such a thing as platonic relationship between two persons?".

just thinking aloud...

picture from https://gaysiandating.wordpress.com/tag/friends-with-benefits/

100-year life, wtf!

lots of talk about 100-year life at work and in a recent bbc report, i learned that life expectancy in singapore is the longest in the world. i took the survey and also learned that i could possibly life up to 85 years of age. the person posting it even celebrated this fact that singaporeans can live so long. but i asked myself - is this actually good? to me, this is actually a curse. the scene of captain american or deadpool lamenting that they cannot die despite wanting to came to mind.

for the most part of my life, i have lived and organised my life with the assumption that i will go when i reach mid-70s. using mid-70s as my expiry date, i am already almost 3/4 there. but with a 100-year lifespan, i am just halfway there. crazy and stressful right? that means all my assumptions were wrong, and now i have to work longer, get stuck in this rat race longer, live this miserable life longer, etc... all these doesn't make sense to me especially when i am ready to go anytime and hoping it can happen soon.

right vs wrong, good vs bad

i am clear about what's right vs what's wrong, and what's good vs what's bad. and regardless of circumstances, i have always done things right, until lately. shan't go into details but i decided to proceed with what i did, despite knowing it's wrong, because it satisfied my wants... and i have no regrets about it even if it kills me.

ok, shan't go further.

request: no comments for this post, please.

relieve

earlier this week, i read news that a 6-year old was pinned under a bus at choa chu kang estate and was fighting for his life. the report also mentioned there was a lot of blood under the bus and the civil defence chaps had to extricate him from under the rear wheels of the bus. this boy was apparently with his mother and was playing with his mobility device by the side of the road and he was ran over by a bus when he suddenly dashed out onto the road. 

from the description and the location, it struck me that there was a possibility that this could be my nephew - 6-year old boy, choa chu kang... my heart missed a beat and i got worried. then again, i told myself that if that boy were to be my nephew, i would just have to accept it as fate. whatever it was, i hoped it wasn't him. a couple of hours later, the developing news was updated and said that the boy had died. my heart sank further and i got really worried. i wanted to text my brother to confirm my nephew was ok but given what happened previously, i decided against it. 

a day later, the newspaper reported that the body had been collected by family members and will be flown back to india for the funeral. it was only then that i got the confirmation that it wasn't my nephew. i felt relieved and elated at the same time. then again, i felt guilty that i had actually felt happy that the boy who died was not my nephew. such emotions were very confusing. how could i possibly feel happy that death had befell another family instead. relieved, elated, guilt, all rolled into one.

death comes a-knocking

i had frequented the bedok south hawker centre since my schooldays and that was also the same place where i brought my mum for her breakfast weekly before she passed on. i have, over time, gotten to know the many store holders and they would chat with me whenever i went there for my meals. over the years, i have also witnessed stores changed hands a couple of times, store holders retiring, or taking a backseat as they let their children handle the stores. the frequency of such occurrences had increased over the last couple of years and i didn't bat an eyelid when the auntie of the coffee store stopped appearing, and when the vegetarian store changed hands. i only found out the reasons last week.

i was there during lunch on monday and as i was on vegetarian diet these two weeks, i decided to head there for my regular vegetarian meal. alas, it was closed and so i decided to simply eat 2 small buns (tau sar pao). as i ate, the bun seller came and sat with me and chatted. it was during this chat that i learned the coffee store auntie had died. it was a sudden death i was told. she was in her 60s and was healthy and one day, during a medical check up, she was told her white blood cell count was extremely high... her health deteriorated very quickly and she died within weeks. karma, the bun seller told me. this auntie had, for the longest time, refused to pay the $30 cleaning fee... and he went on and on about how she was the only one amongst all the hawkers who frequently find issues with people around her. i didn't engaged further nor asked anything further about this auntie. she had passed on and with her passing, we must let go of whatever grievances we had with them...

the topic drifted to how many stores had a change of owners since i first patronised the hawker center in the 80s, last being the vegetarian store. it was this juncture that the bun seller told me - fated. everything is fated, he said. i was a little surprise with this answer and asked further. it was then that i realised the changed of hand occurred cos the previous owner didn't want to carry on. his wife had died of heart attack one day. accordingly, she was serving some customers when she fainted. the owner, instead of attending to her immediately, asked his children to help her to the table to rest and carried on his business (because there were quite a few customers). the wife was only brought to the hospital one to two hours later. it was too late and she died that afternoon - the doctor who attended to her found that the heart pacer in her had malfunctioned and it was too late by the time she was brought to the hospital. she was 55 years old when she died. i am not sure what the main reason was for the store owner to stop his business, but i suspected guilt had something to do with it.

it was a surreal lunch for me. 

grindr fun

i had over time, gotten comfortable enough with myself to use my photo for my profile in grindr. and i do not shy away from telling people about me, my stats, etc (of cos, for my weight, i still put it a couple of kg lower...) heh... and i do not usually reach out to text people proactively. for the few who reached out to me, it mostly ended up with friendly chats. many stopped contacting after a while.

recently, i created a second account using another email. for this account, i remained incognito. i didn't put my photo, i didn't put too much info about myself. i created this account to have another view of who's around me cos there might be people i'd blocked or people who blocked me that could be nearby. i got many interesting insights from this account. anyway... i decided to have some fun last night and put something explicit and upfront in the profile last night. no, it's not any photos of private parts - grindr do not allow that. instead, i used the following photo:

and for my intro, i wrote "fit matters". i also changed the stats to suggest someone with a good height, lean/ toned and fit and for the profile details, here's what i wrote:

and guess what, within 6 hours, i have tons of messages coming in... several of them propositioning outright, and a few even send me pictures of their jewels... wow!

talking about it

i think i am depressed. i have been entertaining thoughts of suicide over the last couple of weeks. been feeling so overwhelmed by many things, top of the list being work. and things are just piling. i am increasingly finding myself avoiding making decisions, and acting on what i need to do. i recalled people in here (e.g sam, river, dazzah) telling me that acknowledging my depression is a good start, or for that matter, the fact that i recognise i am depressed meant i am not (or something along this line). they also said that the next thing is to be proactive and take steps to address it, go out, socialise, make friends, la la la... but frankly in my current state of mind, all these are theories. i have totally no motivation to do so. in fact, i am totally unmotivated to do anything, not even simple things like doing the claims for my biz travels. 

ok, i don't know how to go on with this post...

letting go

i had a long chat (via whatsapp) with my second sis about life and death and how we should live each  day as if it's our last, have our closures and let go of our attachments as often and as much as we can. she shared how worried she was when she found the lump, and how overwhelmed she felt. in the face of death, end of everything... these were some of the words she used as she related her thoughts over the course of waiting for the results. 

i took the opportunity to share with her my mum's dying process, how mum's health deteriorated over the last few days of her life, and the events that occurred on the very last day from the time i bade her goodbye when i left for work. i shared how about mum handled her impending death bravely and with full trust in me to let me take the necessary decisions. she accepted the finality of life and was fully at peace when i told her her kidney has failed. she passed away peacefully that evening. i also shared how i had, over the past 7-8 years, slowly prepared her for death by talking to her openly about it. it's been almost 3 years since her passing and i didn't realise how raw the emotions still are now. 

anyway, i shared about mum cos i wanted my sis to appreciate the importance of being able to let go.  i shared with her how i am ready to go, anytime, without regrets. from my observations, she's a very controlling person and didn't realise that her behaviour had contributed directly to the rebellious nature of her children. they are all adults now but she continues to treat them like kids. then again, maybe that's what all mothers are...

mastitis

i learned a new word this week - mastitis.

google search explains it as "inflammation of the mammary gland in the breast or udder, typically due to bacterial infection via a damaged nipple or teat".

that was the diagnosis for my second sis after the check-up. it's good news indeed. and the discovery of the lump and the whole process was something that should have shaken my sis, forced her to review her life's priorities and focus her attention on the now and not to sweat the small stuff. regrettably, it didn't. after realising that it's a false alarm, she went back to her old self.  many of her behaviours, in my opinion, were the cause of the breakdown of her relationship with her children and she refuse to see it that way after sharing with her my observations all these years.

then again, i can only advise so much. the teacher can only be present when the student is ready.

deadpool 2

i am not a violent person and generally i avoid violence as much as i possibly can. and for this very reason, when i watch deadpan 2, i found myself closing my eyes half the show. it was just that violent. imagine watching scenes where arms were chopped off, bodies got decapitated and heads rolled, bodies mutilated, blood splashed everywhere... there was even a scene that showed how deadpool’s body got blown apart from an exploding gas tank! seriously, such scenes freak me out. but don't get me wrong, deadpool 2 is actually quite a nice show (aside from the over the top violence). there were scenes that showed tender moments of love, grief, happiness, compassionate, etc. one must really be grounded in very strong values and know what is right and wrong to draw the right messages from this show.

it's definitely not for the kids, and if i may add, some adults too. 

catch up post...

been away from my blog for almost 2 months. have been very overwhelmed by life and work, particularly work. not so much life, cos with so much going on at work, there was absolutely no life. heh... but well, am managing... will not attempt to write everything, post by post, as what i had done previously. but here's a quick summary of what i've been up to/ events that affected me:

• a headhunter called me sometime end-march. referred by an ex-colleague. decided to just try out and check out the role. end up the hiring company was so wow-ed by my credentials that they are really pushing to hire me. spoke with my previous boss/ coach and she encouraged me to give it a go. she shared her observation that i was happiest when i was with my previous company. she's very sharp. i told the hiring company i will not consider moving anytime before end-june. currently handling some major project and think it is only right for me to complete this before i leave. 

• for now, i have just completed a personality test. the headhunter told me that they are ready to make me an offer. in addition, i was also told that they are ok to wait for me till august and have stopped interviewing any more candidates. so, it seemed like they are more or less fixed on me. i am, however, sticking to my line that i will not leave until after june due to a project. of cos, the other consideration, is that i will be receiving my bonus end-june. and i have been told i have been rated very well. so... i must at least get my bonus before i consider leaving.

• work was terrible. terrible. terrible. too many major projects at hand. almost one major project a month. delivering overseas program in april, completing one major audit and another major program locally in may, organising a regional summit in jun, complete a renovation project in july, a global learning event in august, and the list goes on... at least one major project each month and that means at any one time, i have 2-3 projects at hand, each at different stage of planning. and these are on top of many unrealistic kpi to meet by year end (i think i have 20 over of them). team is feeling the stress the the mood at work is getting really bad. 

• everyone seemed to be tripping over each other. not very pleasant. and it didn't help that my schedule is packed to the brim with meetings daily. and to think this is only the start of the fy... cannot believe it. i don't think i'm the only one feeling the stress. many of my colleagues in other departments are resigning one by one too. and added to the projects and unrealistic kpi, i am also now expected to now head up a new set up once the renovations is completed. to make it even more challenging, i am expected to run this new facility with only one new additional headcount. not possible at all in my opinion.

• to make things worst, i am having a lot of issues with the person that i recently recruited. took my almost 6 months to finally fill the position. the person filling it was someone whom had worked with me in my previous employment and who got along very well years ago.  but since joining me, i have lots of challenges. culture fit, differences in views and too keen to want to change things and refusing to work within the system. my appetite for new ideas too fast too sudden is very limited given the unrealistic kpi.

• amidst the heightened stress due to unrealistic kpi, work was also impacted by incompetent staff who cannot pull their weight, slip shot in their work and expect me to cover for them. my last straw was when i called one of the staff to settle some urgent tasks for me and in return, this staff told me to do it cos she's going home... had to call her up and counsel her the next day. not acceptable.

• sad to know that my favourite polar bear had to be put down. was such a huge affair when he was born in 1990 boxing day. was all excited when it happened. but all too soon, he's old and has lotsa old age-related health issues. when i read about the possibility of him being put down, i went to visit him before i left for my overseas trip. managed to catch him before he was eventually put down when i was overseas for my biz-trip. quite depressed by his passing.

• was away on a week-long biz trip to the states at the end of april. was terribly cold but things went rather smoothly. went to japan tokyo for a week after that and managed to recuperate there before coming home. bee went for the tokyo trip too. been a very long while since he could spend time with me on a trip.

• trip to tokyo was bad. we planned to spend a total of 7 days there. first 3-4 days was nothing but arguments and awkward silence. the place did not meet his expectations and he was disappointed. he was supposed to plan the itinerary but did nothing. so we ended up being rather spontaneous and just go to wherever we feel like going daily. it didn't help that it clashed with the golden week and everywhere we went were crowded.

• we planned to spend 7 days there but on the 6th day late morning, his mum called and said she had a fall. he booked an urgent flight home and i ended up spending the last evening by myself. well, i guess this last few hours was the space i needed although i did nothing but just walk around town, and purchased some personal effects from the local gay shop. realised i had been away myself so often that it felt different to be on holiday with him.

• on the home front, lots happened too. all the routine stuff and to do my dues as a son, and a grandson. commemorated qing ming (tomb sweeping day), visited and caught up with my aunt and her family, extended family dinner, etc. this, perhaps, was the only positive thing that happened over the last 2 months.

• on the friend front, haven't had any time to catch up with anyone at all apart from perhaps one or two impromptu dinners when our times match. i did, however, managed to coach a couple of ex-colleagues and friends in their job search process. changing jobs is not easy, especially when it comes to writing resumes, preparing for and going through interviews, and negotiating for pay. glad to see them find new jobs - better paying ones - after struggling through their current role in the company (my previous company). really happy for them. 

• have been succumbing to ill health pretty often lately. fell ill due to flu twice. and i find that i am taking a longer time than usual to recover these days. just last week, half way through the japan trip, i developed a terrible sore throat. it developed into a full blown flu and sinus when i landed back in singapore. was on mc on monday but had to work from home. struggled through the week and i am 80% recovered now. the nose is still terribly blocked and the cough is still quite bad. otherwise, the body aches and fever had gone. i suspect the work stress is creating havoc for me health-wise.

• i am really entertaining the thought of just dropping everything and quitting, especially now that i have an impending offer at hand. but on one hand, i feel like i am shirking my responsibility, yet on the other hand, i really think i want to be fair to myself. it's no point continuing and letting it affect my health. being able to deliver does not mean, and cannot mean, i can now deliver the sky, and more. and despite voicing out my concerns and displeasure, my boss just told me that i have no choice but to do it cos it is from the big boss.

• amidst all these, i received news quite a bit of news about my eldest sis and her family. firstly, she had had a new grandson. born in dec last year. also, she is suffering from cancer of the bone. not sure which stage, but she had undergone treatment since jan last year. she had kept it away from the rest of us. understand that she recently opened up to my brother (whom she is in contact with) and he now distant himself away from her. sad indeed. i have since contacted my brother-in-law and reach out to him if he needs any support. this is the burden of information. i now know, but have to pretend i do not know, and secretly reach out to my brother-in-law cos she is still not willing to talk to me.

• also received news that my second sis is undergoing further checks after finding a lump in her breast. biopsy on-going and she'll know whether its benign or malignant this coming week. another whammy for me to know of another person in the family being diagnose with something nasty. let's see how things go. we are all in our 50s. if things must happen, this is probably the time to happen...

this was just a quick summary of all the things that had been bugging me. of cos there are other less significant ones such as car breakdowns, repairs, etc. but it all adds up - totally exhausted. i have hardly any time for myself. and coupled with bee being so consumed by his own work, i do find myself being rather unhappy on the personal front. of cos, the usual weekly midnight shows continued, but it had become all too routine. so, yeah, nett nett - overwhelmed. 

should i drop everything and leave my job?

movies

have watched too many movies during the last 2 months... lol...

• rampage
• ready player one
• avengers: infinity war
• the 8-year engagement (in the plane)
• the story of ito (in the plane)
• the lion (in the plane)
• isle of dogs

i think there are a couple more... but hehe, i cannot remember them all.