Retirement & I

I read a blog by RB reflecting on his post-working life and it got me thinking of my own journey too. My "retirement" journey, that is. I have placed the word "retirement" in parentheses because I do not define retirement in the "traditional sense" - where one stops working professionally after decades of work. It is too narrowly defined, imo. To me, retirement is a state of mind - a state where one is financially stable and does what is meaningful to him. This definition is independent of work. As such, one can be working (or otherwise) and still be considered retired.

In Sgp, the current retirement age is 64 and this will be increased to 65 by 2030. For me, I told myself that I would want to continue working even after my retirement age. And I would work for the engagement, and not for the salary. This is important to me because, as a single gay person, apart from a couple of close friends, working is an important means to keep engaged with the community and society at large. It keeps one emotionally, mentally and physically healthy. 

This underpinned my decision to become a freelancer, and freelance in roles that are meaningful to me. This made me think deeply about "what is meaningful to me". It made me reflect on my purpose in life. It was a difficult thought process that took me years to crystallise. The latest articulation of it is simply this: to be able to help people and society. With this thought, the choice of what I wanted to do became clearer. I would be a coach, a mentor and a trainer. These are roles where I can help people, share my experiences, and support people as they navigate life, professionally or personally.

I am a realist when it comes to age. Like it or not, the society we live in is an ageist one. And as an HR person, I am very well aware that when people (read: employers) see the "6" in front of your age, whatever value you can contribute to them will take a backseat, and your resume gets put away. So I left my corporate life end-2023, at the age of 57 to prepare myself. To be a coach, trainer and mentor, there were skills, certifications and networks that I needed to establish. And I needed to get all these settled by the time I reached 60. 

I am now 3 months shy of 60. I have obtained the necessary certifications and I have established myself as a qualified trainer, a professional coach and a mentor. The training companies I have signed up with recognise my value and come to me when there are projects. I have the prerogative to accept or decline the projects when they are offered. For coaching, I have been doing it on a pro-bono basis, as and when my base of clients comes to me. Although the frequency is not as high as training, the coaching sessions have been deeply meaningful. The same goes for mentoring.

When I talk about retirement, it goes beyond just work and keeping engaged. There are tangibles, such as finances, housing, and so on that must be considered. I am grateful that the financial audit I did before leaving corporate gave me a clarity of how much I actually need - operational cost, in corporate lingo. This provided me with the basis to accept or reject training opportunities. I just need to train enough to sustain my lifestyle without needing to dip into my savings. It has worked wonderfully well for me thus far. I am, of course, definitely more conscious of my spending these days. But that is a good thing. I am in control of it.

On a broader scale, I have also considered the longer-term financial aspects, such as CPF and housing. After a long thought process, I am ready to liquidate my current apartment and move to public housing. I have already started the application process. The aim is to purchase one at a location of my choice. If the application is successful, the construction will take 3-plus years, and I should be able to move in when I am 63, or latest 64. My CPF LIFE will kick in at 65. With these tangible aspects in place, I am reasonably confident I have put myself in a financially comfortable position for the rest of my life.

What I have captured above are, in many ways, the easier aspects of post-corporate life planning. What is probably the most challenging for me is my sense of self-identity. I have alluded to it when I mentioned "purpose" earlier. For the longest time in my life, my identity had been closely linked to my professional identity. Leaving corporate, having time in my own hands, forced me to revisit my identity and the whole purpose in life.

What am I? Who am I?

Thinking deeply about my purpose also forced me to look at my beliefs and my values. It took me a long while to look inwards and re-examine myself. I am sure my "purpose" will morph as time passes, and with it, my daily habits and lifestyle. But I am not in a rush. After all, time is what I have now. And I give myself permission to take my time as I relearn about myself, to relax, to pursue my hobbies, to work, to go on holidays, or, simply, to do nothing. Importantly, what is most meaningful to me is to be aware, to live in the present moment, to be grateful, to be compassionate to others and to self, and to live life mindfully.

Ultimately, it’s my life and I decide how I live it. I am in control. I define what retirement is and...

I retire on my terms.

A Meaningful Morning

My day started exceptionally early today, but it was for a good reason! I volunteered at an old folks’ home to bring the residents out for a walk at MacRitchie Reservoir Park. 

I joined the activity through a social service organisation, and about 30 volunteers turned up. After a quick briefing, we were brought to the assembly area to meet the residents, all of whom were elderly and wheelchair-bound. At first, there was some awkwardness and apprehension. We were strangers to the residents, and they were naturally unfamiliar with us too. But once the ice was broken, the interactions quickly became warm and comfortable. 

The uncle I was accompanying was 73 and Hokkien. Knowing that gave me an immediate point of connection as I’m Hokkien too! We chatted in Hokkien, and I could see him becoming more comfortable as we talked. We reminisced about the old days, places that no longer exist, and many other seemingly mundane things. Yet, from his chattiness, I could sense how happy he was. 

The walk itself was short, lasting about an hour and a half, and it was tiring. I was pushing a wheelchair while chatting with the uncle I was accompanying, and the heat was building quickly. Still, seeing him happy made the effort worthwhile. I could imagine how much it meant to him simply to be able to leave the home for a morning walk. 

It was a simple outing. But seeing the smiles on the residents’ faces reminded me that spending time with someone, speaking their language, listening to them and making them feel less alone can mean a great deal.

I am glad I joined the activity.

Grateful 2 Weeks: Blessed Busyness

It’s been a while since my last entry. I didn’t feel particularly motivated to write and, to a certain extent, felt a little conflicted about blogging given how busy I had been preparing for and delivering a new programme. There were difficult conversations which I dreaded but managed to have, a lot of research, prep and development for the programme, and my bad back hasn’t healed as quickly as I had wanted it to. Still, the past few weeks came and went, and I thought things went rather smoothly and well. So let me reflect a little and capture the areas that I am grateful for, despite the challenges.

• Delivered a New Programme. I finally delivered part of a new programme. The prep work was intense and took a lot of effort and time, despite having materials provided to me. The thing about being me is that I need to internalise the given materials and be able to incorporate my own experiences to make the learning authentic, real and relatable. The fact that this was my first face-to-face class compounded the challenge of delivery. I was glad that my delivery resonated well with the learners, and thankful that all the efforts paid off. The post-training evaluation scores weren’t as good as those from my virtual classes, but they were respectable. Still, the experience gave me good insights into how I can improve myself for future runs. There are so many things that I have learned and, equally, so many things that I am thankful for.

• Difficult Conversations. I personally do not like difficult conversations, especially when they involve people with authority, even if that authority is now in the past. I was faced with one such conversation 2 weeks ago. Without giving too much context given the sensitivity of the issue, the conversation had me walking a tightrope, balancing professional integrity with maintaining a respectful relationship. I used AI to give me different perspectives and alternatives on how I could approach the conversation. I thought the conversation went well and that, in the end, I was able to diplomatically and courteously turn down a request - one that could compromise my professional integrity. More importantly, I learned from the episode. I am thankful for the lessons, for AI, and for the people I spoke with for counsel.

• Bad Back. Amidst the busyness, my back continued to feel tight and unrelenting, especially when I woke up in the morning. I had to consciously make the decision to lie on my bed and be very intentional and deliberate when transferring my body weight and walking. Recovery was slow, but I am certain that I am heading in the right direction. Age is a bitch, isn’t it? It’s interesting how we push ourselves physically when we are younger and then suffer the effects as we age. Still, it is what it is. Positively, this episode reminded me of the importance of slowing down and taking deliberate rests when the occasion calls for it.

• Stress. The preoccupation with the training prep, the difficult conversations and the bad back elevated my stress levels. As a person who tends to overthink, overprepare and overstretch myself, I naturally went into overdrive as I prep for the training - the researching, adding supplementary content and personal examples, changing activities, thinking through the learners’ abilities and learning styles, and so on. All these things just added to my stress. It showed clearly in my BP and PR - they went up a couple of notches. But I wasn’t too worried about it. Thinking back, I think I managed the situation reasonably well: pacing myself, getting sufficient rest, even when an overactive mind refused to allow me to sleep, and trying to boost my energy with ginseng, chicken essence and the likes. I am thankful for all of these. I also see all the effort as an investment, and hopefully it will pay off in the longer run. With each run, I will learn, refine and improve, and hopefully I won’t need to put in quite so much effort the next time around.

• Mentee & Coachee. This period of busyness was peppered with coaching and mentoring sessions. And as of today, I am superbly pleased to learn that one of my coachees has managed to land a role. The news came as a pleasant surprise, especially since I had coached her for close to 2 years and had seen first-hand how much she had struggled professionally. My mentee has also successfully gone for several interviews and is feeling very positive about how things are panning out for him. At our last meet-up, he said something that made me smile: “Whenever I speak with you, I always walk out feeling very positive and very happy. Thank you so much for mentoring me.” I don’t think I need much more validation than that.

• People. Even when I was so absorbed in my training preparation and delivery, I made it a point to meet up with friends - BG, D, PY, JT and others - for walks, meals and drinks. These meet-ups provided me with the social engagement and mental breaks I needed, and I appreciated their company and the time they made for me.

So, yeah. It’s been a superbly crazy few weeks. But the outcomes and validations I received from the people around me - my learners, coachee and mentee - and feeling their happiness and enthusiasm when they updated me reminded me of what I wanted to do in the first place: to help and support the people. And that is what makes all the busyness worthwhile.

I am blessed indeed.

Grateful Week: Backache

It’s been a crazy week - not because I was busy, but because I had a terrible backache. I’m not too sure whether it was due to all the walking I’ve been doing, poor posture, or perhaps a combination of both. Whatever the cause, it affected my lifestyle and disrupted my routines. I was essentially bedridden for more than 2 days and couldn’t even sit up straight. For those few days, I consciously prioritised rest over work, long walks and meals out. Apart from some lingering soreness and muscle tightness around my waist and left hip, I’m now almost back to normal. This episode reminded me of several things that I’m thankful for. 

• Friends. I’m blessed to have friends who reached out and showed genuine concern. One person in particular stood out. D, who lives in the west, offered to come over to help with my meals, which I politely declined. I’m deeply thankful that he offered his help despite the distance. 

• Food delivery. I’m grateful that such a service exists. It may cost a little more, but at a time like this, the small premium was insignificant compared to the pain and discomfort. And since I was ordering in anyway, I finally tried the McDonald’s National Day Curry Chicken Burger. I enjoyed it and thought it was pretty good. 

• Remote controls. This is something I’ve taken so much for granted until now. When moving around became painful, having remote controls for the lights, fans, aircon, tv and other appliances made life so much more bearable. It’s funny how we hardly notice these little conveniences until we actually need them. 

• Back support. This was a lifesaver. Thankfully, I had a back support tucked away in my storeroom from a previous episode of back pain. It helped me walk, even if it was only a few steps at a time, and was especially useful when I struggled to stand upright. Keeping my back muscles warm helped prevent them from stiffening further, and I’m glad I had it when I needed it.

• … and many more. As I lay in bed over those couple of days, I realised how many other things I had taken for granted - my firm bed, my warm comforter, a hot shower, the internet, good wifi, my mobile phone, and so much more. Every single one of them brought comfort and convenience when I needed them most. It’s amazing how the simplest things often become the most appreciated during moments like these. Deeply grateful for every one of them.

Despite the pain, which affected me for more than half the week, I didn’t want it to stop me from living as normally as I could. It was a conscious decision to leave my apartment, visit places and have meals with friends whenever I was able. Walking, within my limits, helped keep my back muscles warm and, I believe, aided my recovery. This episode also served as a timely reminder to pay closer attention to my health and well-being. They are easy to take for granted until they are compromised. More importantly, it reminded me that even during an inconvenient week, there was still much to be thankful for.

Grateful Weekend: Life Lived!

It’s only been 3 short days and there’ve been so many happenings! Let’s see: 

• Job Offer. I was offered the job and the contract came within a day of the interview! Reflecting on it, it wasn’t much of an interview per se. Rather, it was more like a conversation and I was very much in control. Glad I prepared myself well for it. Happy with the outcome! And of course, I managed to prepare all the necessary documents for them over the weekend! 

• Hello. I was out for my afternoon coffee when I crossed paths with the closeted bi guy again. This time round, he actually looked at me, smiled and nodded his head. I guess it was because his wife and son weren’t with him. Anyway, I nodded back. 

• Ouch. I went on the Bukit Timah–MacRitchie hike today. Along the way, I walked past a group of youngsters - probably in their early 20s. As I passed them, one of them said: “Look at old people, they walk like it’s so easy. But look at us youngsters, like wanna die already…” Such an 一针见血 (literally “one needle and you see blood”) kind of sentence - sayang and kill at the same time… 

• 40k. I’ll be conducting a course over the next 2 days. Gonna be busy and probably won’t be able to hit my daily walking targets. So I increased my walking distance today instead. I should end the day with about 40k steps or around 26 km. I bet I’ll sleep well tonight! 

• Fat. I tried the KFC National Day special - prata, curry, sambal and chicken. It was actually quite good. Will probably try the McDonald’s Curry Burger in the coming week. It’s nice that these fast-food joints come up with local flavours for National Day. The downside for me? I get fat!

• Spontaneous. It’s nice being spontaneous these past couple of days. I wanted to get out of the house and, without any agenda in mind, decided to just take whichever bus that arrived at the bus stop first. So I ended up spending some good time at Jewel at the airport. Lovely to just people-watch and enjoy the surroundings! 

• Public Person. Was at Jewel and saw a political office holder. He looked at me like as though he know me. I just look straight through him and walked on. Never liked to look at public figures like as though they are some weird creatures, much less call out to them. I’m sure they’d like that too.

So yeah, quite a lot has happened in just 3 days. Quite a bit of life lived too - work, admin, training preparation, walks, hikes, meeting friends, and much more. Grateful for everything that unfolded.

Grateful 1WJul26: Life

It’s been a week since I last wrote a reflection, and quite a lot happened over the past week. Here’s a quick rundown of how my week went and the things that I am thankful for.

• People. I met up with many people - family, friends and coachees - who wanted to catch up, have a meal, and simply celebrate this new chapter with me. It’s been a while since I had so many meals out with company. Food definitely tastes better when eaten with company. And I gained quite a bit of weight! It was really nice to reconnect, even if it was just over a meal. I am thankful for the people who reached out and who care. 

• Well-being. I explored new routes for my walks and intensified my step count to an average of about 15k - 25k steps a day. It’s tiring but, at the same time, nice to experience different routes. Admittedly, on some days I felt unmotivated and tired, but I’m glad I pushed myself a little and went for the walk. It has definitely contributed to my physical and mental well-being. 

• Mindfulness. I had an interesting exchange with a peer trainer who consistently complained - from the sale of courses, to trainer scheduling, to the quality of learners and so on. It’s tough to listen to constant complaints, but in a way, it reminded me of the importance of focusing on what I can control and not sweating over what I can’t. That perspective helped me maintain my focus and peace of mind, and I truly appreciate the opportunity to cultivate greater mindfulness. 

• Feedback. I managed to deliver the new module, and the feedback was quite positive. There were, of course, one or two learners who were a little more critical but, objectively, their feedback allowed me to reflect on how I can improve future runs. I’m grateful for the pointers they raised. 

• New Module. I have also been engaged to run another new module and have started researching the topic. While it is stressful preparing for a new delivery, I see it as an opportunity to deepen my knowledge and stay relevant as a trainer. Such an opportunity is hard to come by! I am blessed!

• Opportunity. A peer trainer asked me to share my résumé, and she forwarded it to a training company for their consideration. I was surprised that within a few hours, I was invited for an interview. The interview is this week, and I have to prepare a topic for the session. Let’s see how it goes. I’m grateful to my peer trainer for recommending me and connecting me with the academy.

• Rest. I have been sleeping relatively well over the past couple of days. This has been a welcome change compared to the previous few weeks when I had insomnia, possibly due to the stress of preparing for my training delivery. During that period, I noticed my blood pressure and heart rate had increased. I’m glad they have since returned to the normal range. 

On the whole, I think the past week was simply me living my life. Nothing particularly extraordinary happened. It was very routine, yet meaningful and intentional. And when I paused to reflect, I realised there was much to be thankful for.

Reflections: 1H2026

I want to use this post to reflect on the first half of 2026.

It was, by and large, a continuation of what had taken shape by the end of 2025. As a whole, there is no strong sense of disruption or change in direction. Life has continued in a steady rhythm - shaped by people, routines, and moments that often appear ordinary on the surface. Truth be told, the intentions set at the beginning of the year were not new beginnings, but a clearer expression of how life was already unfolding. It also sits within a broader transition that started in Dec 2023, where my work and way of living have gradually shifted away from a traditional corporate structure into a more flexible and independent rhythm. Over time, this has felt less like a defined decision and more like a slow reorientation - towards a way of working and contributing that feels more aligned with helping people in a steady and meaningful way. And on this note, let me use the key focus I set out at the start of 2026 to frame this post:

Remain Grounded in Gratitude

Gratitude is most visible through daily reflections and writing. It is also expressed through actions, particularly in how I support people who matter to me and how I commemorate major festivals such as CNY and the Dragon Boat Festival. CNY reunion dinners remained important anchor points - sitting together with friends and family across generations, with conversations moving between updates, familiar topics/ complains/ bitching, and stories that resurface year after year. During Duanwu Jie, making nonya chang was not just a way to remember my mother or honour family traditions, but also a way of sharing something meaningful with people who matter to me. Beyond these, there have been frequent meals with aunts, cousins, extended relatives, and friends. These moments are often simple and unplanned, but carry a similar sense of continuity. Gratitude, in that sense, feels less like a practice and more like a way of noticing and appreciating the people and experiences that quietly shape everyday life. 

Live with Purpose and Compassion

Purpose continues to show up in everyday interactions with people. Much of this happens through conversations with friends, colleagues, and people within my wider circle, where the focus is less on outcomes and more on being present with what they are experiencing. Compassion often takes the form of small and ordinary acts such as helping a crow that had fallen onto the middle of the road, or supporting friends going through difficult periods or health challenges. One moment that stays with me was giving my friend, T, a haircut during his illness. What seemed like a simple gesture became one of his happiest moments in the weeks before he passed away. These experiences serve as reminders that purpose is not always found in grand plans or achievements. Sometimes, it is simply about showing up, paying attention, and walking alongside someone for a while. 

Embrace Vulnerability and Courage

Vulnerability this year has been less about expression and more about staying with what is not immediately resolved. The challenges that began in the second half of last year gradually eased towards the end of June. Despite the difficult moments, I chose to embrace the experience and look for what it could teach me - new perspectives, deeper self-awareness, and, perhaps unexpectedly, new friendships. Within family interactions, friendships, and personal reflection, there are moments where clarity does not come quickly, and I am learning to remain in that space without rushing to close it. This includes recognising that not every relationship evolves in the same direction. There are long-standing friendships that have been important parts of my life, yet differences in values, priorities, and perspectives can gradually create distance. Accepting this has not been easy, but holding on out of sentimentality may create more harm in the long run. Courage, in this context, sometimes means allowing certain relationships to loosen naturally while holding gratitude for what they once meant. Letting go does not diminish their significance; it acknowledges that people grow and change in different ways and at different paces. At the same time, there is a gentle sense that life feels a little more open in how it is experienced. Nothing marked or symbolic, but a subtle easing in how space and time are held, allowing days to unfold with slightly more flexibility.

Nurture Relationships That Matter

Relationships continue to form a steady rhythm across different parts of life - family gatherings, meals with relatives, catch-ups with friends, and ongoing interactions with people who move in and out of my life. What stands out is not intensity, but regular return - the quiet consistency of checking in and showing up over time. Alongside long-standing friendships and family ties, this year has also brought new connections. Some of these friendships have grown naturally through shared experiences and conversations, bringing fresh perspectives and unexpected support. Together, both old and new relationships create a sense of continuity and connection that enriches daily life. 

Deepen Spiritual Practice

My Buddhist practice continues through meditation, classes, and reflection, and remains an important grounding thread in how I experience life. This year’s Vesak Day offered a particularly meaningful opportunity to reflect on impermanence and non-attachment. These teachings, while familiar through practice, felt more immediate in the context of recent experiences, including the passing of my aunt earlier this year and the loss of T. Rather than changing the direction of life, these moments gently reinforced the importance of holding people and experiences with appreciation, without needing to hold on too tightly. Over time, this practice feels less like something separate from life, and more like a way of seeing that continues to shape how I relate to change, relationships, and presence.

Care for My Health and Well-being

Health and well-being have remained less about pursuing specific goals and more about maintaining a sustainable rhythm of life. There have been periods of intense work, balanced by quieter days of rest, walks, family meals, and time simply to recharge. I have also become more aware of listening to my body and recognising when to slow down. Whether it was recovering after demanding training days, making space for solitude, or enjoying simple moments in nature, these have become reminders that well-being is not something to achieve, but something to nurture. I am grateful that this balance has allowed me to remain present for the people around me while continuing to find joy in the ordinary moments of everyday life.

Looking across the last 6 months, what stands out is continuity rather than change - a steady living out of intentions already set in motion. As I move into the second half of 2026, the focus remains on living with greater presence and openness, allowing life to unfold with a little more ease, space, and gratitude.

Grateful 21 Jun: Productive Day

This morning, I went to the airport for my walk, while also spending some time people-watching and simply enjoying the air-conditioning. It was a refreshing change of environment and a welcome escape from the blazing sun. 

As for my training preparation, despite having gone through the content many times, I am still not fully convinced that I can deliver it confidently and convincingly. In other words, I have yet to fully internalise the material. I spent much of today revisiting the lesson structure and eventually decided to reframe the flow. Doing so allowed me to reorganise some of the slides, making the content easier to understand, especially for non-practitioners. I think I am more or less there now and should be able to complete the deck tomorrow. 

On this note, I am grateful for AI, which helped me review the content and create infographics that explain the framework and concepts more clearly. I am also thankful that I made the decision to reframe the entire lesson. It allowed me to see the material from a fresh perspective and put together a revised deck using the existing content, which I am not permitted to change, while significantly improving the flow. 

I am quietly confident that I will be able to complete the full deck tomorrow. I decided to indulge in some durian for dinner- a real treat. It was a simple day, and I am grateful for the way it unfolded.

Grateful 18 - 20 Jun: Tired but Grateful

I am feeling very tired today and did not sleep well last night. I believe it was due to an overactive mind after a day of training preparations. So, I will keep today’s journal brief. 

Firstly, I am grateful for the slower and more relaxed pace of the last 3 days, which allowed me to complete my daily walks, prepare for my training sessions, and spend time with friends. Secondly, I am grateful for the favourable weather, which made it easy to complete my walks comfortably. Lastly, I am grateful for the mindful presence that enabled me to stay focused and complete my preparations. I also managed to help my sis edit a video. It was really gratifying to be able to learn how to do it online!

I end today feeling drained but happy, and celebrated with 2 glasses of merlot and roast meat! I sincerely hope for a restful night’s sleep without insomnia. Even on a day marked by fatigue, I am thankful for the moments of steadiness, connection, and progress that carried me through.

Grateful 17 Jun: Quiet Confidence

Today was a simple yet productive day. I finally sat down properly to review and prepare for my upcoming training sessions. I expect to be quite occupied with training-related matters over the next few weeks, and today was a good start. On this note, let me give thanks for: 

• Clearing the Immediate Issue. I decided to be proactive and followed up with the company again to confirm next week's training and request the relevant details, including the content outline, learners' list, and training report templates. Thankfully, they responded and indicated that they would send me the information by tonight. I am glad I took the initiative to make this push. Hopefully, I will receive the details soon so that I can begin my preparations in earnest. 

• Preparing for New Challenge.  I have agreed to deliver a new module on AI at the end of August, although I am not yet fully confident with the content. Rather than waiting idly for confirmation of next week's training, I started reviewing the materials for the upcoming module. I am grateful to my new training lead for providing the content. Going through it helped me better understand the scope of the programme and gave me a clearer sense of the level of preparation required. Once next week's training is over, I will conduct a more thorough content review, carry out further research, and develop the learning activities. 

• Presence of Mind. Reflecting on my journey since I started training last year, I realise that I now have a much better sense of what is required and how much effort I need to invest in preparing for each programme. This growing experience has given me greater clarity, allowing me to prioritise my time and energy more intentionally. I am beginning to trust my own process. I have learned when to push for information, how deeply to prepare, and where to focus my energy. I am quietly confident that things will pan out well. More importantly, I am grateful for the presence of mind to invest my energy where it is needed, giving myself ample time to prepare and deliver my best. 

Alongside training preparations, I managed to head out for my kopi-o kosong, cooked my lunch, and achieve my daily walk targets. It was indeed a simple, focused and productive day, and I am grateful for how it panned out.

Grateful 1 & 2 Jun: Restoration

Time flies, and it is already June. Much has happened over the past couple of weeks - completing a series of training programmes, T's passing, and no longer needing to make daily visits to the hospice to see him. Suddenly, I find myself with a lot of time to fill. Over these 2 days, I decided to simply be spontaneous, and perhaps things have begun to settle into a new normal. Either way, these past 2 days were spent catching up with life. For that, I am grateful.

• Make Space, Let Go. D gifted me a potted plant last week, and I simply placed it on my balcony. I shifted a few existing pots around to make space for it and thought nothing more of it. But yesterday, after my morning kopi o kosong, I decided to work on my balcony garden properly. As a result, I spent a large part of the day gardening - discarding my ginger, turmeric and yam plants, removing two large ficus plants that had grown too big and unruly, cleaning the balcony, and rearranging everything. It was certainly not easy, given the size of the ficus plants. The process was tiring but therapeutic. I emerged from it feeling not only more at peace but also pleased that my balcony looked so much neater and more presentable. As I looked at the refreshed space, I was reminded that making room for new things often requires letting go of what has outgrown its purpose. For that, I am grateful. 

• Question Assumptions. I woke up this morning and took my blood pressure and heart rate readings. I noticed that both had remained stable despite halving my medication dosage since my review last month. Naturally, I became curious: am I ready to come off the medication entirely? After all, I have been taking it for the past 8 years. So, I did some research on the medication. The AI asked me a series of questions, and the conversation helped me realise something important: leaving corporate life, changing my lifestyle, exercising regularly, and learning to take things as they come have all contributed to my current state of good health. It also prompted me to reconsider whether some assumptions I have held for years may no longer be true and whether it is time to discuss this with my doctor. I was reminded that it is important to periodically review old assumptions against present realities rather than continue accepting them unquestioningly. For that, I am truly thankful. 

• Be Spontaneous, Be Present. It was nice to return to my meditation routine. The thing about missing meditation for several days is that my concentration weakens, and I found it difficult to stay focused for more than 15min. Today, I had the pleasure of meditating at the summit of Bukit Timah Hill. It was entirely spontaneous. I was tired from the climb and perspiring heavily. As I sat on a bench and removed my singlet, I felt the gentle breeze cool my body. My awareness of the forest deepened as I listened to the cicadas chirping. At that moment, I found myself slipping naturally into meditation. It was a deeply calming experience. 

I decided to simply be spontaneous about things, and I didn't realise how much I needed these experiences. They not only gave me the space to rest and reconnect with myself, but also reminded me of a couple of important lessons: to let go of what no longer serves me so that new things can find their place, and to periodically re-examine old assumptions in the light of present realities, and the need to appreciate the present moment. For both the experiences and the lessons they brought, I am deeply thankful.

Grateful 17 & 18 May: Connections

These days, life has settled into a rather familiar rhythm - visiting T daily, meeting D and sometimes his friends for meals, catching up with colleagues and simply staying connected with people around me. On the surface, things may seem routine. Yet within these routines, I continue to find meaning, warmth and moments that I am quietly grateful for.

• An Unlikely Rallying Point. T has been very unwell over the past two days and his condition has deteriorated quite significantly. He coughed up blood yesterday and was too ill to interact with us when we visited him. However, today he seemed somewhat more alert and energetic. He was able to notice our presence and, at times, utter a few words. Small things, perhaps, but they mattered. What T may never fully realise is that through his illness, he has unknowingly become a rallying point for many of us — for me, D, some of our mutual friends, and even his siblings. It is through these visits that I have also come to know D’s friends, S and V, better. Tonight, after visiting T, the 4 of us went for dinner together. In a strange but meaningful way, T has brought people together. For that, too, I am deeply thankful.

• Surprise Visit by N. I have known N since my days in the aviation industry. In fact, I had recruited him. We remained in contact even after I left the industry. So this morning, I had a pleasant surprise when N texted me at 8am with a simple “Good morning”. I was puzzled at first because he is from India and it should have been the middle of the night there. I later learnt that he was transiting in Singapore on his way to North Asia for a holiday. As his flight was only at night, he had the day to spare and we quickly arranged to meet. His wife was with him and we ended up spending a really lovely afternoon chatting over a meal. It felt spontaneous, easy and comforting - the kind of catch-up that reminds me how connections that began as professional relationships can gradually evolve into friendships, quietly enduring despite time and distance. I am really glad he reached out.

• Vegetarianism. Yesterday marked the start of the 4th lunar month and, as part of my yearly practice, I began observing vegetarianism again. I will continue to do so until Vesak Day. This is a personal practice and a commitment I made to myself as a Buddhist. After so many years, it has become almost second nature to me. Even so, I am always mindful that my dietary restrictions may inconvenience friends when we meet for meals during this period. What touched me over these 2 days was how readily friends adjusted their own meal choices so that we could dine together - just like how D, S and V decided on an impromptu vegetarian dinner today! It reminded me again that meals are never just about food. There is something deeply comforting about sharing a table, adjusting for one another and simply enjoying each other’s company. Honestly, food always tastes better when eaten communally. 

So while these days may appear routine on the surface, they have also been filled with quiet moments that remind me how fortunate I am to have people around me who continue to connect, make space for one another and journey together through both ordinary and difficult days.

Grateful 15 & 16 May: T

It has been two meaningful days for me, and both centred around T, my terminally ill friend. I want to talk about it here, and also share what I am grateful for. 

• T. I have known T since last July. It was through D that I got to know him much better. Without going into too much detail, there was once when T walked past me and handed me a sweet. I appreciated that simple gesture very much, and on another occasion, I went up to thank him. That was how we first got to know each other. I later learnt from D that T had initially mistaken us to be partners. Nonetheless, the 3 of us eventually spent quite a bit of time together. It came as quite a rude shock when he was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer. His cancer was highly aggressive, and within the last 6 months, he had deteriorated to the point where he is now mostly bedridden. He has been given a prognosis of a few weeks to, at most, 2 - 3 months. I am grateful for his friendship. It may have been short, but I can see that he is of good character, and I deeply appreciate the warmth and kindness he has shown me. 

• T’s siblings. Over the past few weeks, I have gotten to know T’s siblings and spoken with them on many occasions. They do not know the circumstances of how D and I came to know T, nor do they know that both of us are gay. On one occasion, it was slightly awkward when T’s sister asked me about my wife and children, but I politely changed the topic. Nonetheless, I am grateful to them for being so hospitable and gracious towards us, and for treating us as T’s close friends. 

• Visit to River Wonders. T had expressed a wish to visit River Wonders to see pandas. He had never seen a real panda before, and Wish Ambulance Singapore organised the visit for him. T invited D and I to join him and his siblings. It was a lovely visit, though also a poignant one, knowing this could possibly be the last time he would leave the hospice alive. The mood throughout the visit felt heavy in an unspoken way. Everyone was cheerful and happy to see the animals and the panda, but at the same time, we could all see how tired he was and how much effort it took for him to keep going. The visit lasted only about 4 - 5 hours, but it was obvious that it had completely drained him by the time the visit ended. I am grateful he invited me. It gave me the opportunity to know his family better and to be part of what may well be his final outing. 

• Supporting T & D. D and I visited him again today, and he had clearly not recovered from the outing. He was exhausted and could barely stay awake most of the time we were there. D and I chatted quietly while he slept, occasionally coughing and needing to clear his sputum. I could also sense D managing his own grief as he watched T slowly fade away. It was a sombre sight. I told myself that I want to be there as much as my schedule allows - not just to keep T company, but also to support D during this period. I am grateful that I can be there for both of them in some small way. 

So this post is really about T. I would not dare to say that I know him very well, but when a friend is in this state of health, it is difficult not to reach out. I am grateful that he opened up and extended his friendship to me. He is straight, but very accepting and comfortable around us. D often tells me that T would say I am a little too serious and should loosen up more. He also liked teasing me together with some of our mutual friends. I am glad that I can be around to bring him some comfort and to support him as he walks through these final weeks of his life.

Grateful 8 May: All Systems Go!

I thought it was necessary to write an entry today rather than wait till tomorrow, as I will probably be too exhausted after a full day of training delivery. So here goes: 

• Training Preparation Completed. I agreed to take over the training on Tuesday while I was in the midst of attending my aunt’s wake. The training delivery is scheduled for this weekend, which meant I had only 3 days to prepare. That is an incredibly tight timeline, but I agreed readily as there was no one else available to do it. This is probably the fastest I have ever completed my training preparation: content review, report writing, activity sheets, and so on. I am glad I had conducted this module before and had previously spent considerable time going through every slide and activity in detail. That familiarity allowed me to ramp up the preparation incredibly quickly. 

• Canvas Down. I learned from a fellow trainer this morning that there was a worldwide Canvas outage. This followed the recent hacking of the Canvas Learning Management System (LMS). It got many of us worried, as we rely on the system to distribute learning materials and conduct assessments. Another trainer asked me whether I thought the LMS issue would be resolved by tomorrow, and I replied, “Pessimistically optimistic - especially since it’s a global outage. Even if they get it up, they will still need to check the settings to ensure everything is properly in place, and that would take time.” With that in mind, I immediately went into contingency planning mode and converted the assessment documents into Word files in case the IT department could not get the LMS up in time. I was relieved to receive a text late in the evening saying that the system was back up and everything had been restored. Grateful to the IT department for their quick actions. I did a check and everything looks good. Hopefully it runs smoothly this Sunday! 

• All Systems in Place. Barring any more unforeseen issues, it is all systems go for tomorrow’s training. And that is not easy given the sheer number of processes that need to be in place: LMS setup, trainer portal setup (for training administration, attendance taking, assessment recording, training evaluation, etc.), government attendance tracking settings, and more. I am grateful to the operations team for putting all these in place at such short notice. Ironically, I think it was precisely because it was an urgent last-minute change that everyone paid extra attention to it. Still, I am grateful for the support and teamwork. 

So yes, today was very much about training preparation. Despite the last-minute shock of the system downtime, everything got sorted out and it is now all systems go. Beyond that, I also managed to catch up with PY over a very nice lunch, visited T at the hospice again, and achieved my exercise goal by walking some 10 km before taking the bus home after the visit. All in all, it was a productive day.

Looking forward to the training tomorrow!

Grateful 2 May: Rest & Recuperate

After an intense week, the last thing I expected was a difficult night and poor sleep. So I decided to just take things slow today. And for that, I am grateful for: 

• Mind. Allowing myself to rest a little longer. After my morning meditation, I decided to go back to bed and rest a while more. There’s no rush to engage in deep thinking or handle heavy work. It’s simply a day to slow down, breathe, and take things gently. My mind needs this break, and I’m grateful for it. 

• Body. The opportunity to pause and give myself the space to simply laze in bed. No stress to do anything intense or physical. Just being spontaneous and napping if I feel like it. After a week of constantly moving and doing, the pause for my body feels necessary. 

• Stomach. Taking things easy and not stressing my stomach, especially after the indigestion from last night’s oily Chinese food. So today’s meals were light and without the pressure to have my “usual” meals on time. Just slow walks, watery porridge, and plenty of water to settle the stomach. It’s a day to recover and reset. 

Being intentional about resting and giving myself the space to recuperate is probably the best thing I can do for myself today. And I’m grateful that I made the decision to do so, especially after a night of poor sleep and feeling uncomfortable from indigestion. Sometimes, our body has a way of telling us to slow down when our mind keeps wanting to push on. Today felt like one of those reminders.

Grateful 27 Apr: In Sickness & In Health

Today passed very quickly. It felt as though one moment flowed into the next, and before I knew it, the day had ended. Today centred around people - people I connected with, and who in turn shared their challenges and experiences with me. Let me reflect on what happened today, and what I am grateful for.

• Letting Go. I visited T again at the hospital. It was good to see him still able to chat despite his pain. More importantly, he was able to speak openly about his condition and prognosis - about 3 months. What stood out was his clarity. He spoke about having done what mattered to him, having had the closures he needed, and being ready to go whenever the time comes. It was not an easy conversation and I had to be extremely sensitive. We agreed that all of us (myself included) have an expiry date and that we are all in the same queue. The only difference is - we do not know when our turn is and that it is beyond us, 人算不如天算. I was glad I could simply be present and hold space for him in that moment. If anything, I hope it gave him an outlet to express what was in his heart.

• Celebrating Health. I went for my regular health check today, a follow-up to the urine and blood tests from a couple of weeks ago. There were no concerns. My health markers were all in good range, and the doctor agreed to gradually reduce some of my medication, with the intention of eventually stopping them altogether. This feels like a reassuring step forward in my health journey.

• Celebrating Life. In a separate conversation with a former colleague turned coachee turned friend, I learned that he has moved into a new place. At the same time, he shared that his wife had found a lump in her breast and gone for a biopsy. It came as a shock to me, and I could sense the worry beneath his words. Later in the evening, he updated me that the result was benign. What a relief. That news lifted the emotional weight of the day quite a bit. There were also other brief exchanges - another friend sharing about dealing with alopecia and wanting to meet, and another letting me know she had taken a step towards becoming a coach.

Today was ultimately about people in different states of their journey - some facing uncertainty, some finding relief, and others moving forward. Through these conversations, I am reminded of how closely life and vulnerability are intertwined. I am left with a deep appreciation for the chance to witness these moments, and to be present, even briefly, in the lives of those who crossed my path today.

Grateful 26 Apr: 生老病死

I’m in a reflective mood today. I’m at an age where I can look back and appreciate the various stages of life. I am grateful for life’s experiences, with all their ups and downs. It so happened that today, I came face to face with many aspects of life’s realities. So let me reflect a little on them here. 

• Birth 生. It’s nice to see birthday greetings coming in for an ex-colleague in the group chat this morning (even as she subsequently clarified that her birthday was last month). Still, I’m grateful for this positive moment, especially as it balances the recent news of the hospitalisation of a friend and another friend’s mother. 

• Growing Old 老. I’m growing older by the day, and I’m better able to appreciate the aches and pains my parents used to talk about. I’m experiencing it now - waking up with aches and feeling like the body needs time to warm up. But I also recognise that being where I am is not a bad thing. I have accumulated life experience, and nothing quite replaces lived experience. In that sense, I am grateful for the wisdom that life has bestowed.

• Falling Sick 病. I woke up feeling my flu worsening. I didn’t sleep well, given the blocked nose, scratchy throat, and frequent coughing - so much so that I had to wake up to take some honey to soothe my throat. Still, I made it a point to head out for my meals and to pay a visit to T. Part of me knows I should have rested, but another part of me didn’t want to give in to being unwell. Reflecting on this, not feeling well has raised my awareness of the good health I have generally enjoyed. For that, I give thanks. I am reminded that things move in cycles, and perhaps the lesson for me is not just to push through, but also to know when to slow down and recuperate.

• Death 死. I have experienced many deaths in my life - my parents, cousins, friends, colleagues, and even my pets. That is the reality of the journey every one of us will take. I received a message last night that T, my friend with oesophageal cancer, has been hospitalised again. I have witnessed how his health has deteriorated so quickly over the past few months. I visited him in the hospital. Much as I’d love to, I didn’t stay long as it was painful for him to speak. From our conversation, I sensed his frustrations with how this illness is dragging and a quiet acceptance of the eventuality. I just listened and held space for him. I’m grateful to him for the friendship, and I can only wish him comfort and be present for him.

It’s interesting that in the course of a single day, I am reminded of life’s realities - birth, growing old, falling sick, and death, or in Chinese, 生老病死. This is a journey all of us must go through, and as a Buddhist, I accept and embrace it. More importantly, it reminds me to be more intentional with how I live each day - not just to stay present, but to choose where I place my time and energy while I still can.

Grateful 25 Apr: Restful

I had a very good night’s sleep, knocking off completely at 10pm. It has been a long time since I last slept that early. I slept through the night and woke up at 7.30am - and that was when I felt it: a flu coming on. So I decided that today would be a simple, restful day. No hiking, no shopping, nothing unnecessary. I stayed in most of the day, catching up on my report submission, resting, and sleeping. On that note, I’m grateful for the following:

• Home medication. I woke up this morning feeling quite miserable - my throat was tight, my body felt warm, and there was an overall ache. I was so glad I had medication at home: the usual Panadol for cold and flu, Anarex muscle relaxants, and the works. The medication helped me relax and alleviated the flu symptoms, allowing me to take a good nap in the afternoon. It was genuinely refreshing.

• Food. Despite feeling unwell, I still managed to head out for my meals. It’s comforting to know that food is always nearby. I had lunch at Simei and dinner at Bedok - familiar meals that warmed both the stomach and the heart.

• Peace & comfort. If anything, I’m proud of myself for completing all the training reports and submitting them this morning. It lifted a weight off my mind and allowed me to rest without being distracted by unfinished work. I’m also grateful for having a comfortable home - and for living alone. It allowed me to rest fully, without feeling self-conscious. So yes, today was truly a restful day, and I choose to celebrate rest. 

I had a deeply restful day, made possible by a calm mind free from the pressure of incomplete work - and, just as importantly, by simple medication that eased the physical discomfort. Personally, I think what I felt today was, to a large extent, brought on by the pressure I placed on myself over the training. I’ve been a perfectionist for a long time, and I’m starting to see that this may not serve me well moving forward - it is simply too energy-sapping. This is something I need to be more mindful of and manage.

Grateful 21 Apr: Restlessness

Since last weekend, I’ve been trying out a new routine. Instead of concentrating my walks in the middle of the day, I’m spreading them out and heading out as early as I can. Alongside this, I’m allowing myself to work outside whenever I feel like it, rather than sticking strictly to working from home. I’m still not quite used to this routine, and I think that partly explains the restlessness I felt today. In some ways, that restlessness defined the rhythm of my day - I found myself heading out to Chinatown after lunch for tea (where I ate my favourite tau sar piah), and walked around Eastpoint in the evening just to pass time. Against this backdrop, I’m grateful for a few things. 

• K. I’ve known K since our uni days, and she was the first person I came out to in the 90s. We’ve stayed in touch over the years. She reached out yesterday asking if I could help review a strategy paper, and I agreed, even though I wasn’t entirely sure how useful I could be. This morning, she sent a long message expressing her thanks and sharing the challenges she’s been facing over the past weeks. It took time for the details of the message to sink in, and I chose to respond only later. Reflecting on it, I’m grateful for the trust and openness she showed. It’s clearly a difficult period for her and I’m glad she felt she could reach out to me. 

• Work. These past weeks, work has been top of my mind. I’m delivering modules that are either new or that I haven’t taught in a while, such as the one I’m teaching this Thursday and Friday. Still, I’m grateful that I’ve made good progress with the admin prep and in re-familiarising myself with the content. There’s more to complete by tomorrow, but I think I’m on track to get there. 

• Weight. I’ve not been tracking my calories for coming to a fortnight now, yet I’ve managed to keep my weight stable. However, I can sense I’m getting a bit more rounded. I’ve been eating more freely, so while the numbers are holding, I think the composition might be shifting. I may need to return to managing my macronutrients more intentionally. For now, though, I’m grateful that I’ve been able to keep things in check without too much effort. 

Looking back, today felt unsettled on the surface, but I can see that much of it comes from adjusting to this new routine I’m trying to build. Beneath that restlessness, there were still quiet anchors - trust in a long-standing friendship, steady progress in my work, and a sense of balance in how I’m managing myself. Perhaps this is just part of settling into a new rhythm, and for now, I just have to leave it to time.

Grateful 18 Apr: Treetop Walk

Today, I’m grateful I chose to pause. I decided to put my well-being ahead of work and take a break from training prep, even though there’s still quite a bit to be done. Instead, I went for the treetop walk - and it turned out to be the best decision of the day. 

• Good Company. On the bus to Venus Drive, I noticed a bear - Chinese, bearded, in his 30s - seated in front of me looking quite stressed - his phone was at 10% and his portable battery wasn’t doing much better. I wanted to help as I had a fully charged portable battery but couldn’t at that point since I was getting off soon. As it turned out, he got off at the same stop as me, so I asked if he needed help, which he accepted sheepishly. We ended up heading to the same place and walked together, chatting along the way. He from CA Orange County and this was his first visit to Sgp. It was nice just sharing about the treetop walk, the flora, and quite a bit about Sgp - our culture, food, different races, history and much more. What started as a small offer to help became good company for the walk. I’m grateful for that - it made the whole experience so much more enjoyable. And it all worked out - his phone was fully charged when we parted ways.

• Bus Journey. The walk was not too difficult but there was a short drizzle towards the end, and combined with the afternoon heat, it started to take a toll. I was a little tired and very dehydrated. I don’t think it’s age - the guy I walked with seemed even more tired than I was, probably made worst by jet lag and adjusting to the weather. I bade him farewell at the MRT station and decided to take the bus instead. I was feeling a little faint by the time I got to the bus stop. When I got on the bus, I was really thankful to get a seat. The aircon felt especially good.

• Home. Reaching home was such a huge relief. I drowned myself with lotsa water, took a cold shower, and just lay down. Nothing fancy, but it all felt so good after the walk. A quick 15-min nap was enough to re-energise me. I’m grateful for these simple comforts - the ability to rest, recover, and just be in my own space. 

All in, it was a simple day, but a good one. I’m glad I made the trip to MacRitchie, grateful for the unexpected company, and thankful I could help someone in a small way.