a lot of thoughts 3...

a friend called me very opinionated today. and the way it was uttered, it felt like it the sentence was laden with unsaid words that went along the line of "you are my friend and i felt you should be on my side". i sensed accusations of betrayal or at least a feeling of betrayal in that sentence. but i understood where he was coming from. the way the sentence "i felt you were very opinionated" was delivered and the sentence itself, when taken together, is a double edged one. cos for a person to utter that sentence, and in that manner, it also reflected the person's refusal to accept another person's opinion. and in that refusal, reflected that person's opinionatedness too. no? but that is a healthy sign. it showed how passionate we are about our believes. the only negative thing is that despite our believes, we must keep our minds open and change our stand if we are eventually convinced that our thinking is not robust and perhaps, emotional. anyway, as in all mature conversation, we agreed to disagree. 

the background to this conversation was this.

my friend brought up a topic about relationships today and shared about how one of his friend decided to move on despite having "sort of" reconciling with his ex. through the conversation, i sensed that he (and his friends) felt this friend had not considered his ex's feeling and felt he should not see someone else. of cos, as i listened, i could empathize with their tensions about their friend's decision. but on the other hand, i added that they had done their parts to share their perspective and that they should respect their friend's decision. that was when his discomfort showed, and the sentence of me being opinionated came out. i was not sure about him, but that particular point, it was quite clear to me that the potential of the conversation was spiraling into dangerous zone of disagreement was very real. and i thought if i did not clarity my view points, things might probably end up rather uncomfortable, or for that matter, disastrous.

for me, frankly, i was not a stakeholder in this whole episode. and i shared my views from a rather clinical perspective of a third neutral party, a counsellor... or, ok, a life coach if you may. i offered a neutral point of view. a point of view based on values. the value called respect. and it may not necessarily be the point of view that he was seeking for. and certainly, respect was a big thing for me, especially these couple of days when my sis kept sharing with me her tensions with her kids. so... anyway, some major thoughts/ conclusions flashed through my mind throughout this conversation with this friend of mine. and these include:

• share your views and perspectives, but ultimately respect the decision. you are not the person involved in the relationship and are not in the best position to know the depth and breadth of what the couple had gone through.

• never imposed your values on another person. respect the person's decision. by trying to change a person's decision becos of long friendship reeks of the idea of "i know best", "you are blinded and thus, you do not and cannot make informed decisions"... when a person gets into this state of mind and tries to force a decision in his favour, he is directly imposing his value system on others.

• as adults, we should share our perspective and respect another person's decision. the funny thing about gay men is that much as we do not want people to judge us, we often end up judging people and imposing out values on others ourselves.

• the interesting thing about us humans is that when people say no and try to stop us, we will all the more make the effort to do it. it is our emotional self that is at play and the emotion self is often illogical. so, rather than tell an adult a decision, give your perspective and let the adult make his own decision. 

• different strokes for different folks. what works for me may not work for you and vice versa. for example, an open relationship may work for some but not for others. thus, if a friend wants to try open relationships, it is their choice, who am i to interfere. 

well, looks like i am repeating things. all the above center around the principal value called respect. of agreeing to disagree. that i can accept things exist, but i may not agree. that end of the day, we must let people make their decision, and respect it even if it is a decision that we may not agree with. it is their life. it is their decision. there is no right and wrong as long as it does not breach fundamental human value of respecting life. i strongly believe that all decisions made at any particular point in life is correct based on the information available and the value judgment of the person. no one in his/ her right state of mind would want to make a decision that is detrimental to what he/ she believes in. and if at a later stage, it turned out wrong, it will become a lesson for that person. after all, that is what life is about. it is about experiencing, it is about living. we don't live people's life. and certainly, we don't want to have them make decisions based on what we think. doing so and imposing this on others is not ethically correct. the correct way is that people should make decision based on what they think is correct. 

it is their life afterall.

ok, i am going in circles. i go in circles when i have too much thoughts. 

like now.

will stop here. 

a lot of thoughts 2

this is my second post about why i have a lot of thoughts. and i want to write about my sis. frequently, i get smses from her wanting to vent. 

and all the time, yes all the time, it would be about how her children would fight amongst themselves. and how these fights would degenerate into family-level disagreements and disputes. and often, as a result of these inter-sibling fights, she would be dragged in and become the object of their tantrums. how they would also throw verbal abuses at her, jeer her, brand her a loser, etc... and when things get out of control, which is often the case, she would have to call the police to help manage the situation. it has become some sort of a common occurrence and knowledge amongst the residents of the estate that this family is dysfunctional.

why was this so? i thought deep into this and concluded it was the interplay of several factors. 

firstly, my sis didn't have a good childhood. she was jealous of my dad's favourtism towards my eldest sis. and she grew up scarred. and the fact that my mum was a strict and no nonsense mum didn't help. it stifled her and shaped her thoughts about how to be a mother. and till today, was convinced that she wants to avoid scarring her kids from the first day she became a mother a quarter of a century ago. 

this led to the second factor, my sis ended up spoiling her kids from the time they were born. often she couldn't distinguish between what is good and what is bad and was blinded by the desire to want to give them the freedom to be themselves. this, i must iterate, was not wrong. but what was wrong, was the fact that she did not commensurate their upbringing with inculcating good values. values of respect. all she knew was that she must not be strict on them. and with this, she allow the children to climb all over her since they were kids. it didn't help that these children were superbly brainy and thus were about to rebuke her whenever she tried to intervene in anything she didn't agree with. as a result, they grew up not learning how to respect her (or for that matter, any of us, including my parents). the children grew up into self-centred egoistic monsters with no sense of values. anything that came into their way of their desires must be removed. even if it is their parents.

associated with this was the fact that my sis, when she tried to intervene in anything that she felt was not right, focused at the action level and not at the intention or the rationale behind why things were done. as a result, over time, she lost all forms of credibility she has as a mother. and throw in the above 2 factors, it spelt hell and this led to the nail on the coffin. that whenever things went out of control, the police were summoned. hmmm... when you need an external law enforcer to intervene into the family, you have just lost your say as a parent. 

in short, she is no longer an effective person, much less, a mother, or a role model. and often, rather that rise about the children's arguments and squabbles, she would join in the fights. sighs... initially, i have tried to discourage her from partaking in the squabbles, and to let the kids be responsible for their thoughts and actions. after all, for such monsters, nothing beats letting them learn about life the hard way. let them suffer a bit of knocks here and there. and when they need help, they will get back to the family. and from another angle, these are young adults wanting to spread their wings. they are rebellious, they want to be heard. and here we have someone who resorts to all ways to stop them becos of difference in opinions. she needs to show respect. for this will then help break the cyclical nature of fights and lack of credibility that she, in the first place does not have. but she wouldn't listen. she insisted she needs to look at things from her point of view and insisted it was in their interest. 

and with this, the cyclical nature of anger, fights, frustrations, etc continue. and with every round, i get long long long smses lamenting how monstrous her kids are...

sighs...

a lot of thoughts 1...

lots of thoughts and emotions went through my mind today. and there were many many reasons behind this. perhaps it is a culmination of a certain period of un-expressed thoughts... but ok, i shall use my blog to write some of them... here's the first one... my reflections might come out disjointed but here goes...

one of our local actors passed away and over the last week, there had been a sudden outpouring of emotions from the heartlander aunties to the minister. in fact, a vertical cross section of the society had expressed their sadness over his demise. and all these culminated with the presentation of an award to him at the star award where the minister went on stage to present a life time award to the actor.

and amidst all these, my brother's cynical self kept flaring up. he kept saying how people were using his demise for their own benefits. how the temple's abbott was involved in the funeral, how he was given the "privilege" of being placed below the bodhisattva's altar, la la la... and he added that the temple and the abbott was using this opportunity for their own selfish reasons, of fame. whether it is true or not, i will not comment, but one thing i recognize. the deceased indeed had a certain level of popularity and that his public persona is probably big enough that warrants a ceremony that commensurate his persona. after all, with such a persona, his passing is no longer a simple family issue. people needs to mourn and people needs closure. and one of the way to give people the closure is to have a ceremony that reflects the persona. 

agree?

of cos, it begs the question as to why was he so popular? personally and with all due respect, i thought he was a mediocre actor. i thought about it and came to the following conclusion. he was well respected by the very fact that he was mediocre. and it was in this mediocrity that almost everyone saw part of himself/ herself in him. that he was the guy next door, that he was that unthreatening looking uncle that can be passed off easily as the uncle living next door. and that he had unthreateningly lived and acted for the pass 30 years with no major ambitions of hollywood stardom. and in that sense, he was the poster boy of the typical middle class hdb singaporean. and it was this special factor that every ah ma, ah gong, ah chek, ah pek, auntie, uncle, ah boy, ah girl, etc had grown accustomed to, and that they had allowed him to intrude into their lives unwittingly. so much so that he has become a part of their family. and thus, it was very common to hear people lamenting his demise as "i grew up with him", "he was a major part of my growing up years", "at the supermarket, he share this recipe with me", "at the canteen, he..." it was never ending. 

agree?

certainly, the angle that we can view the outpouring was the fact that he was a very humble person. regardless of status, he always found the space to accommodate people from all the different strata of the society. and through this humility, he touched the lives of everyone. 

agree?

regardless the reasons might be, what is important is that a fellow human being has left us. that his time was up. and regardless of how big (or small) we are, the finality of death (as well as the major stages of birth, aging, sickness) applies to everyone equally. for these stages do not discriminate human constructs of ego, wealth, status, class, etc. we come with nothing and we go with nothing. and while we still walk this earth, let us be of service to our fellow human beings. be kind, be respectful, open our hearts and reach out to people equally. now, that is not easy, but being difficult should not stop us from trying to do it.

agree? 

iron man 3

watched the show with bee over saturday nite.

we had expected more. but nonetheless, it was rather entertaining. what i like about this show was the little twists here and there. and tony stark was still so full of himself. then again, it was nice to show his more human side. talking about human side, hmmm, haven't you notice how lots of sequels these days show the human side of their heroes/ leads? just look at the james bond. "m" has never been more human! ok, off topic. back to iron tin can, i mean, iron man 3.

there were disappointing parts too. i thought the last few minutes where all the iron men appeared could have been made longer and better choreographed. i mean, rather than one iron man vs one enemy, why not have something more exciting like some formation where there are extra powers etc. like those we usually see of japanese anime or even chinese gongfu movies. and as for pepper, i thought it was rather wasted for her to be cured of her "powers"... would have been so much more exciting to have future episodes where she can be one of the co-lead. or even pit her against tony stark.

and the most wasted wait was at the end. we waited till the credits ended to catch the last clip, having been told there was one. and guess what, it was an anti-climax. ok, at least we got to know what to expect in the next show.

:-)

picture from http://www.greenplastic.com & http://www.notrecinema.com

coming out yet again...

well, i came out to a friend two days ago.

it was actually a very natural thing for me to do. afterall, i knew she's one of us. so... it all started when i decided drop her a note in fb. and from there we corresponded and soon enough, it came to the point about leaving service and the reasons why we did so... and that was when i thought it was time for me to come out to her. and yup, i did what i thought was the easiest. i send her my blog url. easy peesy. it's always nice to be able to have one more person who can see and interact with you as you are, and you them. 

no barriers.

:-)

nine

today, we mark the end of our 8th year and the start our 9th year (i.e 8th anniversary)! and we would probably celebrate it tomorrow over a midnight show! iron man 3! huat ahhhh! lol!

end of 7 (start of 8), end of 6 (start of 7), end of 5 (start of 6), end of 4 , end of 3, reflective end of 2, and i did not blog anything during our anniversaries before that!

:-)

order of nature

for reasons unknown, i just wanna write this...

the order of nature

what goes around comes around

in life

things may and things will change 

people will fall in love

people will fall out of love
people will move on

but what is important is,

- be happy -

responsibly

never hurt people.

for if you do so, 

the hurt will creep up to you
slowly but surely

and one day 

you will suffer a fate 

worst than what

you had inflicted

on people

although today

the sun continues to rise

again, don't ask me why i wrote this, i want felt the inspiration to do so... after seeing so many things happening around me.

a line no more...

it was too fine a line for me. too fine until now, the line has broken.

you see, i had planned for my finances such that it would last me till i get my first pay. but things turned out bad. and now before my pay comes in, bills after bills came in ahead of the due date. haiz... so, now i have lotsa unsettled bills... visa bills, condo quarterly maintenance bill, mum's elderly rehab center bill etc... and all these are huge sums. gotta try to hold off what i can hold off until the pay comes in. and borrow the rest to tide me over the coming week or so...

arghhh! hate this feeling!

talking to my mum

i am not sure if i have posted something similar before, it is about talking to elderly. or rather, how to talk to elderly who suffers from mental issues such as paranoia, anxiety and depression. and i am referring to my mum.

i got a call from mum at 5.25pm today, even before i knock off from work. she asked how come i have not reached home, considering i "always reach home at 5.30pm". feeling a little confused, i reminded her that i usually reach home at 6-ish. and that 5.30pm is my usual release time from work. and i asked her why the sudden call... "your sis called to ask what time you'll be back and i told her you always come home by 5.30pm".

hmmm... i noticed this trend in her behaviour. that whenever anyone asks her about anything regarding date and/ or time, and if she cannot give a satisfactory answer, she will get anxious. and she will go mental and would call me non-stop. and then she would go into her moods. at times, she would even get worried about the date/ time for many days to come. and the lessons i have learned when dealing with her are 

• when talking to her, don't ask about date/ time of events, 

• don't ask anything about specific individuals, especially me. cos once she gets into a situation where she is not clear about what i am doing or where i am, she would get suspicious and anxious,

• when talking to her, never give opinions, no judgements should be made unless it is about things that happened in the past and it is about dead people, otherwise, i risk being misquoted, 

• never ask about future events cos it will lead her to wonder about when it will happen, the date, the time, the location, etc.

anyway, what happened after her call was that i had to call her a couple of times to assure her that i only knock off at 5.30pm and that i will only arrive home at 6-ish. and as expected, when i arrived home, she was suspicious and gave me that look from the side of her eyes. and she refused to go for dinner, and started accusing me of being rude to her, of talking down on her, and so on... and she started peeing all over the house. and on top of that, for the whole evening, she was suspicious of me when smses came in, when i walk into the kitchen, when i go to the toilet, etc... everything i did was looked upon with suspicions. even now as i am typing this blog entry, she kept stealing glances at me and looking into the screen of the laptop. well...

what else can i do right? i have only to keep beside her to reduce her suspicions and to constantly talk to her and keep her company.

haiz...

cute show

you know, the thing about watching british shows (or any shows that depict the british slang) is that there are times, especially at the start of the shows, where you get lost as you try to accustom to the accent. and when that happens, you probably miss out some critical bits of the show that make you think a little bit harder sometime downstream as you try to piece the story together. heh heh... 

and that was what happened with the show "i give it a year" last night...

but yeah... thank goodness, bee and i managed to get used to the accent very quickly and after that, it was easy. had a good laugh. another one of those brainless show where one can sit back, relax and just enjoy. and of cos, simon baker, was simply dashing! (i am soooo superficial here)

:-)

cute cruise...

caught the show oblivion with bee last week. 

i was so blown away with all the beautifully created scenes of earth after it was destroyed. it was very realistic and certainly gave a very good glimpse of how things would look like when things go awry and that everything one can see today gets destroyed. very nice.

well, but as far as the story goes, it was rather thin. not much happened for the first half of the show. it was just tom cruise, tom cruise, tom cruise and more tom cruise. it was almost like a super egoistic treatment of that guy. but things started to move after that. some actions here and there, not too bad. so, yeah, the pace was bad, but overall, i must say i enjoyed the show. hmmm... i seemed to enjoy all sorts of shows these days, even those that had lousy movie reviews. then again, it was perhaps becos i tend to go for no brainer shows these days. weekdays are stressful enough, so for weekends, i tend to go for shows that are as straight forward as possible.

and what can i say, despite his age showing, tom cruise is still so cute and charming. and come to think of it, i have actually caught quite a bit of his shows since top gun days in the mid-80s when i was doing my national service (full-time). anyway, i can't help but remember how short he is and thus it must have been quite a challenge to find an actress that is short enough, yet gorgeous looking enough, to act beside him without having him look like a hobbit.

ok, i am getting bitchy again...

:-)

cute guys galore

watched saving general yang with bee 3 weeks back. and it was cute guys galore. the actors selected to play the brothers were all very cute! and of cos actors like adam cheng (yang linggong), ekin cheng (yang dalang), vic chou (yang sanlang) and raymond lam (yang wulang) all carried their roles very well. and amongst all the brothers (and father), the one that stood out amongst all in terms of looks and charisma, in my opinion, were ekin cheng, vic chou and raymond lam. they looked so dashing! ekin was the perfect eldest brother with his look of authority, vic was full of charisma with his arrow-wielding prowess, and of cos, raymond was so dashing...

ok, enough of drooling. overall, after reading the less than positive reviews, i went in with negative expectations. and certainly i walked out feeling good about it. i thought it was very entertaining. and it was indeed a good break. perfect for a saturday night movie.

:-)

cute crood characters

i went to watch croods with bee a couple of weeks back... love the show. very no brainer. just the type of show i want to watch on a weekend. just don't think too much and enjoy the simple story line. then again, some knowledge of earth history certainly helped... how earth previously was one big continental mass and how it broke up. but it was kinda weird to have the big mass break up so fast, as depicted in the film.

then again, it was a cartoon. no need to be too serious about it. afterall, it was a simple love story set against prehistoric times. and for that matter, you cannot even tell if the species depicted was homo erectus, homo sapiens sapiens or whatever. and again, i said, just enjoy the show, don't think too much about it.

and yes, a few things stood out, and i would list them here - the animation was very good and very well done. the whole scenery was breathe-taking. and certainly, the characters depicted by the artist were really funny. kudos to them... and oh, i seriously think the ferorious tiger or sabre tooth tiger look-alike is gay. 

haha!

broken heart...

in the morning...

the journey to work takes me through the fringe of a construction site and a park. and early this week i saw some things that saddened me. there were evidences of a relationship break-up. first, there was a nicely packed hexagonal-shaped box with very nice coloured hearts, a pile of freshly burnt paper and a couple of photos inside. being pastel-coloured, it sat awkwardly amongst the greenness of the weeds. i told myself not to be kaypoh, didn't really bother about them and walked on. and as i walk, i also noted a few pieces of papers strewed along the fringe of the construction site. a quick glance of a couple of the half-burnt paper told me that these were likely love letters cos there were  many words like "love" and "baby" on it. and with each passing days, the paper began to show signs of decay. it must have been the sun and the frequent heavy rain, for the box began to get filled with water, and the paper began to look translucent.

today, i decided to take a closer look and went down to pick up one of the items. it was a half-burnt photo. there were words of love, sweet gestures, dedication to the one and only baby, the promise to love the baby forever, and so on. i turned the photo over and saw 2 very happy looking young individuals. very sweet, i thought. but this sweetness contrasted starkly with the state of things on the ground. i felt somewhat sad in my heart. the paraphernalia suggested to me that it was a love story between 2 young and innocent teenagers (or at most early 20s) that didn't go right. it was a relationship between 2 persons that was young, innocent, sweet and probably a tat naive. and with disappointments and break-ups come the anger that led to the burning of the items. such emotions must have been very intense and probably very irrational. i also felt sad that someone so young had to go through such emotional roller coaster rides... but of cos, it is the rite of passage that everyone of us, straight, gay and everything in-between had to go through. and such experiences make us stronger, and help us see life in a more balanced perspective.

i can only wish the individuals concerned strength and love.

morning wood...

in the morning...

some time back, i have written about my concerns about entering my mid-40s and my so called erectile dysfunction (or rather, the seemingly less than the usual hardness down there) and that led me to ponder aloud in my blog some time back about the use of tongkat ali... 

of cos, as a very weak cover up of my intent to strengthen my morning sunrise aka morning wood, i told myself i needed some supplement to maintain my overall general health. and that was what i did. i bought my first pack of tongkat ali yesterday. and so, one of my new routine starting this morning would be to take a tablet of tongkat ali. 

let's see if i get more energetic in time to cum... i mean, come...

hmmm...

used condoms

in the morning... 

the park that i walk through is a favourite haunt and cruising site for gay men in the late evenings and through the night. and in the last 2 weeks since i started my daily walk through the park, i have noticed, on quite a few occasions, evidences of sexual activities the night before... 

a common sight at the changi business park

yup, you guessed it (from the title la. doh!) the presence of used condoms.

and looking at the used condoms, i can only conclude that it was used to enter the rear. haha... i must say, on one hand it makes my heart skip a beat to know that there are people screwing each other openly in the middle of the park under the full clear night sky. yet on the other hand, i certainly do think it is not a very nice thing to do. leaving used condoms (and some even filled with cum) on the floor indiscriminately. sighs... 

then again, we cannot deny that such behaviour do exist and take consolation that at least they have taken the necessary precaution to protect themselves. but we do wish and hope that these people can be more socially responsible. for goodness sake, throw the used condoms into the bins around the park la. but yup, this is just one of the more common sights i see as i navigate my way to work in the morning...

heh heh...

flowers...

in the morning...

other than the freshness i feel, my morning journey is very much a visual treat. and rather than talking about everything i see, i shall share a bit about the flowers i see along my daily adventures to work.

as i mentioned, i need to walk through the fringe of construction sites and a park. and this fringe is filled with weeds. and it makes me happy to see so many little flowers blooming around the whole area. there are white and purple coloured flowers that shaped like trumpets, round furry-looking pink ones (mimosa), cream-coloured ones with yellow stamens that look like little sunflowers, and so on... in fact, these different types of flowers all remind me of my childhood days. and some days as i walk, i would reminisce about my childhood kampong days. such is the effect these weeds has on me. time machine. haha...

next comes the park. and as per all other parks in singapore, this one has all the "standard"  bougainvilleas that is constantly blooming as well as the roadside trees. but there is one particular tree that i want to talk about. take a look at the picture. it shows a tree in full bloom. this is the singapore pink mempat (cratoxylum formosum). frankly speaking, i was so amazed and mesmerized by it i stood under it and just went into a semi-state of peaceful meditative trance. there must have been tens of thousands, if not, millions of flowers blooming in unison! and interestingly, as i stood under the tree enjoying the sight, i could feel little petals falling on me continuously... it felt like snow and it gave me the winter in spring feel. magical indeed. and as my sense of presence increased, i began to hear things too. it was a low-toned humming sound. and i notice a bee or two flying around some flowers. and as i started to focus further, an army of bees came into view. in fact, they have been there all the while. i just did not notice them. they were flying around the flowers. and with this realization, the low-toned humming sound became louder. in fact, i became so sensitized to it, it started to sound like what i'd heard before - an "expresswayful" of zipping cars...

such is the wonderful sensory and visual experiences that the flowers along my daily journey gives me. 

wonderful.

morning freshness

in the morning...

i walk to work these days. and on many mornings, i do see and experience rather interesting things as i walk... here's the first entry... it's about morning freshness.

the mornings are usually very fresh and nice. and my journey to work takes me through a construction site and a park. you see, there is a university being built near my place. and the fringe of this construction site is where i'd walk before i arrive at the park. and of cos i get to see quite a bit of wild weeds as i walk along the fringe. but what amazes me most are the simple little things that we don't focus on usually. and for that matter, things that we don't experience when we drive or take public transport.

the journey is filled with a sensory and visual richness. i can smell the morning freshness as i walk. and yes, it smells really nice. very refreshing. it's like as though the dew that came down the night before was scented. or perhaps, it is the result of the air being rid of the staleness of carbon dioxide. in short, the smell of oxygen? haha... and of cos, along with the sensory sensation comes the visual richness of the morning. the dense dew of the early morning hours resulted in little droplets of water on every grass blade.. very nice. and somehow, the dew makes the green lagi green. as i walked into the park, my journey will take me through manicured bushes, flowers, blooms... and that would bring me to my next blog entry on flowers. haha... so, ya... i enjoy my daily walks. then again, i have one little complain. the humid air and the walk makes me sweat like a pig! i sometimes wish the sun would rise later.

haha! 

in the morning...

i will be writing quite a bit on the theme "in the morning" for the next month or so... i realized that there are actually quite a bit of things to write about and what better than to write about them based on the time of the day.

and so... in the morning...

picture from http://www.facebook.com/www.sg

tiring daily routines...

my friends have been asking me if there's anything wrong with me cos they noted that i have almost stopped blogging and/ or emailing them. well, truth be told, every since i start work, i have been feeling very exhausted and drained. so much so that i have no energy to do my previous daily routines of writing. in fact, my mind would be so drained that i would just collapse and sleep every night...

a typical day would be like this - i'd wake up at 7.15am. i'd wash up and hurriedly bring the dog to pee. once done, i'd have a quick chat with my mum while i read the newspapers and catch up with my daily dose of current affairs. i will then iron my clothes and change up at about 7.40pm. after which, i will leave my home and walk to work at 8am. fast forward... i'd leave work about and walk back home at about 5.45pm. i will arrive home at 6pm, and will have to then bring my dog for her evening pee before changing up and bringing my mum out to dinner and walk around the shopping mall. by the time we arrive home, it would be 9-ish. i will then try to take a walk or do some stretching at the neighboring park at about 10.15pm after watching tv with my mum. that would bring me to about 11-ish... by which time i would be totally dead beat. i will then bring the dog for the pre-bedtime pee, shower, surf the net a bit and hit the bed... and things will repeat the next day... boring right? feel very drained by the end of the day. of cos the flip side is that i sleep reasonably ok. something that i couldn't do previously. of cos, my bad sleeping habits of waking up every 3hours remain, except that when i sleep, it would be deeper.

with this kinda daily schedule, how to blog? hahah... by the way, i am blogging now while watching tv with my mum...

lol!

梅花三弄

for reasons unknown, i do think a lot of 姜育恒's song lately... brings me back to the mid/ late-90s. and i recalled someone (although i cannot recall who) telling me not to listen too much to his songs cos he is well known for singing songs that are superbly depressing...

红尘自有痴情者 莫笑痴情太痴狂
若非一番寒澈骨 那得梅花扑鼻香
问世间情为何物 直教人生死相许
看人间多少故事 最销魂梅花三弄

口白:
梅花一弄断人肠 梅花二弄费思量
梅花三弄风波起 云烟深处水茫茫

红尘自有痴情者 莫笑痴情太痴狂
若非一番寒澈骨 那得梅花扑鼻香
问世间情为何物 直教人生死相许
看人间多少故事 最销魂梅花三弄

口白:
问世间情为何物 直教人生死相许
看人间多少故事 最销魂梅花三弄

i'm such a slut...

ok, such a crude title. but, i thought i would attract your attention...

i am going to write about me being super duper charitable and courteous today. of cos, of cos, top of the list that i will mention here was the bowl of noodle that i bought for the ah ma. that was something very impromptu but i thought was necessary. but of cos, there were other charitable things i did today. 

you see, i took half a day's leave to collect mum's medication at the mental institute. and at the institute, i helped a chinese national auntie as she navigated her ways through the procedures of collecting her medication. poor soul did not know english and to make matters worst, the service staff were largely filipinos... such are the challenges when foreign talents meet mothers of foreign talents. they need singaporeans to be translators and help out... but of cos, this is not the "main" story...

after the clinic, i decided to head to the shopping mall in order to make the most out of my half day leave. and once i arrived at the mall, i saw a couple of gays having kopi-o, toasts and half-boiled eggs. immediately, the gaydar beeped, and eyes started roving... hmm, sorry, i have digressed. well, i arrived at the mall and noted there were a group of polytechnic students selling flags. a girl walked towards me and automatically, as always, i took out whatever small change i have and dropped into her tin. 20cents i donated. i did not pick up a sticker and walked on.

and soon enough, a cute boy in school t-shirt and surf shorts came up to me. he was taller than me and certainly cut quite a nice build for his age (17?)... sir would you like to donate? he asked. actually i have donated, i said. oh, he paused but before he could respond further, i whipped out my wallet, took out $2 and inserted it into the tin. he wanted to give me a sticker and i told him i didn't need it. and just as i walked off, he gave me a flirty smile. wahhh... did ah boy just flirted with uncle huh? i smiled and walked off... and as i did so, another girl came to me... i didn't even give her a chance to ask. i just waved and walked away...

i then left the shopping mall and headed to another estate for my lunch. and as i walked along the shops, a guy walked up to me... hi sir... and before he finished his sentence, he thrusted the tin can to me... would you want to donate to the president's charity? he asked. i was kinda taken aback. but as i looked at him, again, wa... quite cute, and a bit blur blur innocent boyish yet adult look... ok, ok, actually i have donated but it's ok, here you go... and with that i dropped in my loose change from lunch. in a rather shy manner, he thanked me and walked off. and when i walked passed him a while later, he smile and wished me goodbye... of cos, being a nice uncle, i waved back at him.

darned... at this rate of cute boys approaching me, i will probably end up donating all my monies to the charity. 

lol!

suicidal ah ma...

i was on half-day leave this morning and was at the simei mrt coffee shop having lunch when i heard in the background an shaky voice asking in hokkien if today is monday or tuesday. i turned my head and noted it was a frail old ah ma. she seemed a little untidy (messy hair and such) but otherwise, healthy-looking for her age. she must have been in her 80s, i thought. and i told her that today is thursday and she starting speaking with me...

ah ma: oh, thank you thank you... i have lost track of time. my daughter is at work and i am alone.

me: ok, it is good to come out and get some fresh air.

ah ma (sounding a little emo): i am so depressed. i am already 88 years old and i just wanna die cos life is hard and no one looks after me. just now i went to the block 9th floor and wanted to jump and someone stopped me...

me: ah ma, don't be like that, you have lived to a ripe old age and that is a happy thing (i decided to change subject here in the interest of preventing ah ma from taking me on a long story, which i can ill afford the time...). ah ma, have you had your morning coffee?

ah ma: no, no... 

me: ah ma, have you had your lunch? tell you what, let me buy you lunch. (i didn't give her time nor option to respond. again, i didn't want her to go into extended story-telling mode. this is something that i am aware all elderly has the capacity to, and i need to get home to prepare for my work later) 

ah ma (sheepishly): you will? oh, oh... aiyah, so pai seh la... 

me: it's ok, let me get you noodle ok?

i decided to get a bowl of dry noodle with a bit of chilli for her. i thought it to be safe to not put too much chilli cos most elderly couldn't take things that are too spicy. and guess what?... when i finally delivered the noodle to her, ah ma told me she does not take things that are too spicy, or better if there is no chilli. i told her the noodle has a little chilli but if she still thinks it is too spicy, she could simply pour in the soup and dilute the spiciness. i left her after that to buy my things... 

i walked by 5min later and i noticed ah ma had eaten all the meat and vegetables... but left the noodles untouched... hmm, was the noodle too spicy or was ah ma pulling a fast one? did ah ma take me for a ride with her emotional blackmail? these questions shot by for that moment. but well, it didn't matter. the noodle is for her and she decides what to do with it. 

:-)

harna harnor

harna harna... harnor... 

such familiar and common terms heard around the region and nowhere else in the world! and frankly, i am quite tickled by these terms cos despite being used commonly by we "nanyangians" (people of nanyang [南洋] that includes malaysians, singaporeans and some indonesians of chinese-descent, more specifically, southern china), there are no actual characters in the chinese language that can be used to represent them.

and you can imagine the feelings of home, of familiarity and the warmth when you hear it, especially when you are overseas. then again, i am smiling inside me now as i await my turn to see the doctor to get my mum's prescription. there is this woman beside me that is yakking non-stop on the phone and her conversation is punctuated everywhere with harnas harnors!

haha!

my venting space

several close friends called me up and asked if i was ok this morning. they were worried, after reading the response by river to my previous post, that i would take it badly. these friends were the few who knew the details of the context of what i had written and that i had chosen not to reflect. and against this backdrop, they felt the comment sounded too brash and totally uncalled for.

to these friends, thank you. thanks for the concerns and worries. i am ok, i replied. admittedly, i was a little taken aback initially but looking at things objectively, i felt that based on what i had written, river was perhaps justified to respond the way he did. on the other hand, i was appreciative that river actually took the trouble to share his thoughts. there was no need to for i do not know him and he has no stake in my life. yet, he commented. and thus the comment, regardless of how brash (or tough love he called), should be seen and read as well-intentioned.

and as for me, i have, and will always maintain that my blog is an avenue for me to vent. it is a space to allow me to write what came to mind at a particular point in time. unadulterated. and the writings are for me. it is my personal online journal. and if anyone should be interested to read and have a glimpse into my life and my thoughts, he or she is most welcome. and if he or she were to add a comment and share his/her perspective, i will take it as such - a perspective. i may or may not agree. but i do not owe anyone any apology nor explanation when i write things that they do not agree with. and i say so cos i tend to write more when i face some tensions in life. and these tensions are usually related to interactions between me and the people around me. and certainly a blog entry will never be able to do justice to the complexities of these interactions, especially when they involve interactions with my siblings.

so... yea... no worries everyone. thanks for the comments, the calls, the thoughts, etc. 

:-)

of time & money

what do you do when you need time for yourself, need to go for medical appointments, need to run some errants, need to head out for a quick dinner with friends... and in the interest of mum's safety, need to seek other's help to look after your mum? you ask your siblings... simple straight forward logic right? well... that is a theoretical answer.

for me, the truth and hard fact is (1) my brother lives too far away and has his own children to take care of (which i think he is increasingly getting impatient cos his kids are entering the age where getting on his nerves when they fall sick is quite the norm), (2) my eldest sister refuses to talk to me and has stopped coming to my place since 4-over years ago, and (3) my second sis constantly tells me she needs to work, and that she can not spare any time to accompany or to visit mum. and to top if off, she is pressurizing me to get a maid... she'll contribute a part of the cost she says, just don't disturb her work time. funny how everyone seemed to think they can push the responsibility of looking after our mother becos of all sorts of self-centric/ personal commitments. and i am increasingly getting impatient with responses that tries to turn the pressure on me instead. get a maid. get a part time maid. we'll all chip in. but you ask the rest of pay their share... suggestions came fast and easy. but no one wants to do it. and the constant theme behind is, don't get me into this whole business of looking after mum, money can solve the problem... 

sighs... 

ok, never mind, help out financially any amount you want. i will settle everything else. no need to come, just focus on your own and your family issues. for mum, just let me handle. no worries... this has been the rest response to just shut everyone up and stop pressurizing me to spend on maids, etc. and amidst all these, i also seemed to get the impression that they think i can afford it. and just today, one of them told me that my mum and the other siblings believe that i am filthy rich and they must do all they can to stop bee from attempting to drain me of my wealth... sighs... i cannot and will not stop them from believing what they believe in. everything i try to explain is deemed a lie, that i am trying to lie my way out of my "responsibilities". they do not know that for the last 2 over decades, i have been one of the key provider of income for my parents and in recent years, i have been shouldering mum's medical expenses almost entirely alone, to the point that i have hardly save and as of now, have less than a couple of hundreds in my bank account. and if i had not been successful in getting this job, i would probably have to resort to borrowing monies from people. and i can so totally understand what the papers say when they mentioned that current generation are using all their monies to cater to looking after their parents, so much so that they risk ending with no savings for themselves... what shit! 

ok, am venting...

and despite highlighting the need for assistance repeatedly, their responses has also been the same. or rather, sounding more irritated as time passes by. getting quite sick and tired of all these responses from my siblings... 

what a week!

it's been quite a week. but thankfully, it went well.

info overload, overwhelmed, anticipation, boredom, exciting, worrisome, anxious, stress... all possible adjectives that i could think of to describe the first week. was really glad it was over. and thankfully, mum kept well through the whole week. i think she has perhaps not gotten fully used to my new routines. 

as for me, the whole new routine of working was really tiring. been a long time since i had to sit in office whole day. even in my previous employment, i had to move about from my office to hq. and so, this new routine of sitting in office and next to my boss was rather tiring. but of cos, i have a 19 year old temp seated on my other side and it was good to be able to talk to him. think he was also rather bored from all the data entry that he was made to do...

work aside, the new routine meant i had to push all my blogging, home routines and chores to the end of the week.  and that means yes, i was a one helluva busy person through the weekend cleaning, washing the laundry, washing the bed sheets, washing the pillow cases, sweeping & mopping the floor, etc etc etc... and on top of that, managed to bring my mum to my brother's place, pay respects to my grandparents (tomb sweeping observance), catch a midnight movie with bee, fetch a close friend from the airport at midnight, etc...

i am really tired now. but i can't sleep. and i feel a bad flu coming. my whole body feels like exploding, achy, pain, i have mouth ulcers at the back of my buccal cavity, my throat feels sore, i have runny nose, and i feel a cough coming too... and to top it off, i am starting to feel a little sore at my waist level at my back. i hope it is not a sign of new kidney stones forming... better drink more water...

i better sleep no matter how... gonna be a new week.

:-)

tgif

finally, it's the end of my first work week!

:-)

man & beast & man

bee shared this very nice video about babies in his facebook update and i thought i should put it here. it's simply amazing how much similarities we can see between animals across all species when they are babies. and this include man the destroyer. pure innocence, curiosity, unadulterated indulgence and enjoyment. 

and best of all, it is set against a very very beautiful and mesmerizing music.

enjoy!

:-)

ps: then again, at some point when i see that animal in the cage, i felt sad. sad for the fact that this animal is not free and its livelihood is at the hands of man the destroyer.

an "aunty lucy" moment

i came back from work, rushed through to make dinner for mum, brought the dog down to pee, quickly change up and off i went to the chiro...

arrived on time for my appointment and my very nice and very friendly chiro started the treatment. as per usual, he would feel my spine to check the alignment etc and often he would adjust my tee-shirt a bit given the way the shirt runs whenever he twists my body. and for a moment while he was feeling my shoulder, i felt something sharp inside my tee-shirt below my nape. i inserted my hand into my shirt and pulled out the price tag...

"so embarrassing!" 

i yelped! and we both laughed out loud! hmmm... that was one of the very few times i see him break into a spontaneous laugh before waving his hands and telling me not to worry about it... so cute!

haha!

:-)

ps: the name "aunty lucy" belongs to that of a very popular local drag tv character that is famous for uttering "so embarrassing" whenever she finds herself in awkward situations...

1 apr

today i start a new chapter in my professional life.

after almost 6 full months of deliberate unemployment (and i stress "deliberate" for people will naturally assume reasons such as i was sacked, i couldn't get a job, i was retrenched, etc), i walked into the office today feeling a little lost. and no, it was no april fool's joke. heh heh... anyway, it felt kinda weird to be walking to work (my office is 1.2km from my place) and for once, i wished the sun would rise later. it was so humid and warm and i was sweating like a pig by the time i arrived at my workplace and had to make a detour to spinelli for the air con. 

well, the day was pretty boring. it was a boring day that was filled with uncoordinated briefings by the on-boarding person and my boss. and by the end of the day, i was drained. drained for the fact that things were rather ad hoc, and the feeling of being overwhelmed when there seemed to be 1000+1 things that i have been told i need to do. but well, positively speaking, i have full flexibility to scope things and i have not legacy issues to tie me down to. and of course, i will be gainfully employed for a while to come... unless i decide to jump ship.

and yes, i have gotten lotsa smses from my friends wishing me well on my first working day. and these started trickling in since yesterday. it's kinda nice to know people have thought of you, although i must say, it is rather (i should say very) egoistic of me to feel so, and that is no good...

haha!

qtrly review on resolutions

before writing anything for this month, i thought it is good to take a step back and look at the resolutions i have made for this year. in a way, a review of how much i have managed to keep track (or not) on the resolutions that i had made at the start of the year. so here goes...

• personal life - lead a more balanced life (6/10)

• in this area, i think i have managed to do so thus far. and i believed i can do so given that things seemed to be a little more stable with mum. certainly, more can be done, but on the whole, i am happy with what i have managed to achieve for myself.

• spiritual life - practice buddhism well (6/10)

• in the realm of the conscious mind, i cannot say for sure if i have spend enough time to deliberately practice buddhism well. but what i can say is that i have maintain my physical routines of going to temples. short of a better word, in my "non-concious" aka natural state of mind, i would say i have tried my very best to observe the 8-fold path. moving ahead, i think i will also need to give more energies towards my practice in the areas of concentration. 

• health - be more positive & exercise regularly (5/10)

• i would rate myself as just passed in the area of health. i managed to stay almost illness-free this quarter. and i have done my exercises regularly and as a result, together with my controlled diet, my bmi dropped to 24-plus. but since the slipped disc, i have cut back on my exercises and i have started to put on weight again. my bmi is now back to where i was 6 months ago. moving ahead, i need to restart my exercise regime although i know it will be tricky given that i have started work.

• mum - look after & provide for her (8/10)

• i give myself high marks for this. i guessed as a result of my close attention to details and the constant observation and adjustments of her medications, i was able to very much control her tantrums and mood-swings. certainly, in the early months of jan and probably feb (just before lunar new year), things were a little extreme but on the whole i could see an improvement in her.

• bee - spending quality time with him (3/10)

• i don't know what bee thinks of this, but i fail myself in this area. with the focus on mum (yes, i know i have mentioned before that i need to get a life), i find myself getting a little more afraid of off-setting the new balance i have found. as a result, time with bee was affected, in my opinion. to mitigate this, i have attempted to have bee join in outings with friends, call and sms him more, watch midnight movies, etc more. time out were short and very focused. so... although i can also frame it as more quality time, i seriously think i wanna give him more time. i have to work hard in this area. 

• sapphie - give her more quality time (6/10)

• i think on the whole, time with sapphie has become more well-spent. managed to bring her out for walks and to the beach more often. but i must also say i did not score myself high on this cos on most weekends when i visit my brother, she was left at home alone. i need to see how i can best manage this. time is quite finite on weekends. 

• siblings - build on good relationships (7/10)

• yup, this part was ok. relationship with my sis was maintained. as for my brother's side, things look on the upside judging by how much more co-operative he was with me on how mum should be managed. 

• work - get a job (10/10)

• achieved.

• friends & close colleagues - increase interaction opportunities with them (6/10)

• i think this was ok. managed to make a couple of new friends, meet up with bloggers/ blog readers. i guessed this was due it in part to my unemployment where i was able to catch up with many during lunches. would probably be a little challenging in the months to come as i have started work. but well, i will have to reframe this a bit. perhaps i should also consider "interaction opportunities" to also include smses, whatsapp, etc.

• bloggers - continue to blog (10/10)

• achieved. just look at the number of postings i managed to achieved. and i am also proud to say my blog hit count has also increased significantly.