Retirement & I

I read a blog by RB reflecting on his post-working life and it got me thinking of my own journey too. My "retirement" journey, that is. I have placed the word "retirement" in parentheses because I do not define retirement in the "traditional sense" - where one stops working professionally after decades of work. It is too narrowly defined, imo. To me, retirement is a state of mind - a state where one is financially stable and does what is meaningful to him. This definition is independent of work. As such, one can be working (or otherwise) and still be considered retired.

In Sgp, the current retirement age is 64 and this will be increased to 65 by 2030. For me, I told myself that I would want to continue working even after my retirement age. And I would work for the engagement, and not for the salary. This is important to me because, as a single gay person, apart from a couple of close friends, working is an important means to keep engaged with the community and society at large. It keeps one emotionally, mentally and physically healthy. 

This underpinned my decision to become a freelancer, and freelance in roles that are meaningful to me. This made me think deeply about "what is meaningful to me". It made me reflect on my purpose in life. It was a difficult thought process that took me years to crystallise. The latest articulation of it is simply this: to be able to help people and society. With this thought, the choice of what I wanted to do became clearer. I would be a coach, a mentor and a trainer. These are roles where I can help people, share my experiences, and support people as they navigate life, professionally or personally.

I am a realist when it comes to age. Like it or not, the society we live in is an ageist one. And as an HR person, I am very well aware that when people (read: employers) see the "6" in front of your age, whatever value you can contribute to them will take a backseat, and your resume gets put away. So I left my corporate life end-2023, at the age of 57 to prepare myself. To be a coach, trainer and mentor, there were skills, certifications and networks that I needed to establish. And I needed to get all these settled by the time I reached 60. 

I am now 3 months shy of 60. I have obtained the necessary certifications and I have established myself as a qualified trainer, a professional coach and a mentor. The training companies I have signed up with recognise my value and come to me when there are projects. I have the prerogative to accept or decline the projects when they are offered. For coaching, I have been doing it on a pro-bono basis, as and when my base of clients comes to me. Although the frequency is not as high as training, the coaching sessions have been deeply meaningful. The same goes for mentoring.

When I talk about retirement, it goes beyond just work and keeping engaged. There are tangibles, such as finances, housing, and so on that must be considered. I am grateful that the financial audit I did before leaving corporate gave me a clarity of how much I actually need - operational cost, in corporate lingo. This provided me with the basis to accept or reject training opportunities. I just need to train enough to sustain my lifestyle without needing to dip into my savings. It has worked wonderfully well for me thus far. I am, of course, definitely more conscious of my spending these days. But that is a good thing. I am in control of it.

On a broader scale, I have also considered the longer-term financial aspects, such as CPF and housing. After a long thought process, I am ready to liquidate my current apartment and move to public housing. I have already started the application process. The aim is to purchase one at a location of my choice. If the application is successful, the construction will take 3-plus years, and I should be able to move in when I am 63, or latest 64. My CPF LIFE will kick in at 65. With these tangible aspects in place, I am reasonably confident I have put myself in a financially comfortable position for the rest of my life.

What I have captured above are, in many ways, the easier aspects of post-corporate life planning. What is probably the most challenging for me is my sense of self-identity. I have alluded to it when I mentioned "purpose" earlier. For the longest time in my life, my identity had been closely linked to my professional identity. Leaving corporate, having time in my own hands, forced me to revisit my identity and the whole purpose in life.

What am I? Who am I?

Thinking deeply about my purpose also forced me to look at my beliefs and my values. It took me a long while to look inwards and re-examine myself. I am sure my "purpose" will morph as time passes, and with it, my daily habits and lifestyle. But I am not in a rush. After all, time is what I have now. And I give myself permission to take my time as I relearn about myself, to relax, to pursue my hobbies, to work, to go on holidays, or, simply, to do nothing. Importantly, what is most meaningful to me is to be aware, to live in the present moment, to be grateful, to be compassionate to others and to self, and to live life mindfully.

Ultimately, it’s my life and I decide how I live it. I am in control. I define what retirement is and...

I retire on my terms.

Grateful 31 May: Vesak Day

Today is Vesak Day, a day that holds special significance for me. Buddhism is more than a religion to me. Its philosophy has shaped my thinking and behaviour over the years, and I am thankful for that. Let me take a moment to reflect on this and give thanks for it.

• As a Philosophy. I read widely about many religions during my younger years - their history, evolution, philosophies and how they are practised. I am drawn to logic and reason, and I find myself relating deeply to the wisdom of Buddhism. It is not prescriptive, and it advocates personal effort and the pursuit of wisdom. I am grateful for this body of knowledge and for how it has encouraged me to seek truth as I search for meaning in my life. 

• As a Practice. I took refuge and received the precepts more than a decade ago, and I have been observing vegetarianism during the Vesak period for many years. Being vegetarian is part of observing the precept of not taking lives. The others are abstaining from lying, intoxicating substances, sexual misconduct and stealing. I learned from my teacher that the precepts are meant to guide us in our daily actions. But being human, we may occasionally fail to observe them. When that happens, we should forgive ourselves, reflect on it and learn from it. I am grateful for this compassionate and enlightened approach. Beyond that, I try my best to live according to Buddhist principles and teachings. 

• As a Religion. I was brought up in a form of Buddhism that was very Southeast Asian - Buddhism infused heavily with Taoist practices and rituals. I remember clearly how my mum would bring me to temples to pray for health, wealth and protection - something that is not very "Buddhistic". At that age, I simply followed along without fully understanding what Buddhism meant beyond the rituals. Over time, my understanding of Buddhism deepened and I came to embrace it not just culturally or ritually, but as a religion - reflected in how I live, practise and observe it in my daily life. To me, rituals and observances are forms of discipline that help anchor me amidst the busyness and distractions of life. 

As I commemorate Vesak Day, I am reminded of how Buddhism has provided me with a solid foundation on which I conduct myself in my day-to-day life and has taught me to take responsibility for my thoughts, actions and choices, while continually striving to cultivate a better version of myself. And for this, I am grateful.

I wish everyone a Blessed Vesak Day.

Grateful 29 & 30 May: Non-Attachment

Tomorrow is Vesak Day, a day that commemorates the Buddha's birth, attainment of enlightenment, and passing into Parinibbana. It is an important day for Buddhists, regardless of tradition, and many will observe it through celebrations, prayers, rituals, vegetarianism, and personal reflection. I will reflect more deeply on it tomorrow, but for these past 2 days, I would like to give thanks for the following:

• 3-Step-1-Bow. I have observed the 3-Step-1-Bow ceremony every year since 1990. It was originally a vow I undertook to give thanks for attaining good results during my undergraduate studies. Since then, the ceremony has only been interrupted a few times - during SARS, during COVID, and once when a heavy thunderstorm forced us to stop midway and move into the main hall for a talk by the temple abbot. The ceremony usually begins on the eve of Vesak Day, as it does today. This year, however, I will not be able to participate for reasons I shall not mention here. Yet this limitation has deepened my awareness of my practice, and I am grateful for that. Buddhism teaches non-attachment, and I reminded myself not to become overly attached to attending the ceremony itself. Instead, I will spend tomorrow visiting temples and volunteer at Buddhist events in the coming week. Perhaps this is a meaningful way to devote my energy this year.

• Meditation. I started meditating regularly in Jul or Aug last year. What began as a way to calm myself down, and also to make use of available time, gradually became a daily practice. In the early months, I would feel a slight sense of guilt whenever I missed a session, telling myself that I was not disciplined enough or that I had neglected my practice. Over time, I realised that mindfulness is not confined to formal meditation. My attachment to the idea that I had to sit and meditate in order to "qualify" as practising had caused unnecessary self-judgement. These days, when I have commitments such as training sessions or events, I simply make an effort to be mindful while travelling on the MRT, going for my walks, or carrying out daily routines. Having said that, I still make it a priority to sit and meditate whenever possible. I am grateful to the many people who have guided and supported me along the way, including my Buddhist class facilitator and my Buddhist counsellor. Through this practice, I have become calmer, more aware of my surroundings, and more present in each moment.

• Vegetarianism. As part of my Vesak observance, I usually follow a vegetarian diet for 15 days leading up to Vesak Day. When I first started doing this years ago, I found it extremely challenging. Over time, however, it has become much easier. This year, the 2 weeks passed so naturally that I hardly noticed them. I think this is partly because vegetarian food is now more widely available. More importantly, however, I have become less attached to the idea of having vegetarian food and have learned to accept circumstances as they are. If there are no vegetarian options nearby, I simply eat bread and move on. In this sense, vegetarianism is as much a state of mind as it is a dietary practice. If I make an issue out of it, it becomes one. If I am not attached to it, it ceases to trouble me. I am grateful for this realisation.

These past 2 days have been restful and reflective. Tomorrow is Vesak Day, and I will commemorate it by visiting temples and spending time in reflection. I look forward to the day with gratitude and a renewed commitment to my practice.

Kusu Island

Made a trip to Kusu today with D to fulfill T’s last wishes. He had expressed his wish to visit the island but couldn’t do so due to his deteriorating health. 

The island had changed so tremendously much since I last visited some 5 decades ago! Then, it was a temple sited on some rocks and linked to a small hillock by a strip of sandbank that get submerged during high tide. But now, it’s a proper island with its own piers and lagoons, public amenities and all!

And similarly, the neighbouring small islands have mostly been reclaimed, enlarged and connected to each other via landlinks to became a united land mass, complete with cycling tracks, parks and all. Eye opening indeed. And it’s nice to be able to marvel at Singapore’s skyline from the southern islands. 

It was a good day out.

Grateful 26 Apr: 生老病死

I’m in a reflective mood today. I’m at an age where I can look back and appreciate the various stages of life. I am grateful for life’s experiences, with all their ups and downs. It so happened that today, I came face to face with many aspects of life’s realities. So let me reflect a little on them here. 

• Birth 生. It’s nice to see birthday greetings coming in for an ex-colleague in the group chat this morning (even as she subsequently clarified that her birthday was last month). Still, I’m grateful for this positive moment, especially as it balances the recent news of the hospitalisation of a friend and another friend’s mother. 

• Growing Old 老. I’m growing older by the day, and I’m better able to appreciate the aches and pains my parents used to talk about. I’m experiencing it now - waking up with aches and feeling like the body needs time to warm up. But I also recognise that being where I am is not a bad thing. I have accumulated life experience, and nothing quite replaces lived experience. In that sense, I am grateful for the wisdom that life has bestowed.

• Falling Sick 病. I woke up feeling my flu worsening. I didn’t sleep well, given the blocked nose, scratchy throat, and frequent coughing - so much so that I had to wake up to take some honey to soothe my throat. Still, I made it a point to head out for my meals and to pay a visit to T. Part of me knows I should have rested, but another part of me didn’t want to give in to being unwell. Reflecting on this, not feeling well has raised my awareness of the good health I have generally enjoyed. For that, I give thanks. I am reminded that things move in cycles, and perhaps the lesson for me is not just to push through, but also to know when to slow down and recuperate.

• Death 死. I have experienced many deaths in my life - my parents, cousins, friends, colleagues, and even my pets. That is the reality of the journey every one of us will take. I received a message last night that T, my friend with oesophageal cancer, has been hospitalised again. I have witnessed how his health has deteriorated so quickly over the past few months. I visited him in the hospital. Much as I’d love to, I didn’t stay long as it was painful for him to speak. From our conversation, I sensed his frustrations with how this illness is dragging and a quiet acceptance of the eventuality. I just listened and held space for him. I’m grateful to him for the friendship, and I can only wish him comfort and be present for him.

It’s interesting that in the course of a single day, I am reminded of life’s realities - birth, growing old, falling sick, and death, or in Chinese, 生老病死. This is a journey all of us must go through, and as a Buddhist, I accept and embrace it. More importantly, it reminds me to be more intentional with how I live each day - not just to stay present, but to choose where I place my time and energy while I still can.

One God

I went for my lunchtime walk and saw this very unique bougainvillea bush - it stood out given that no other bushes were burning blooming. Now, I’m not a Christian, but I can’t help being reminded of the story of Moses and the burning bush. It also brings to mind the command that there is only one God - and if I may, by extension, only one Son. The thought felt particularly fitting when contrasted with a recent photo of someone presenting himself as Jesus Christ.

:-)

Grateful 6 Apr: Peace

I think it might be because of the very busy and mentally stimulating day I had yesterday. I slept really well last night and woke up feeling clear-headed, energetic, and refreshed. Perhaps it is also because I feel relatively confident about the training preparation I have done over the past few days, and quietly assured that I will be able to hold the class this coming Friday. And so, let me give thanks for the following today:

• Meditation. It must have been the good night’s sleep, for I woke up feeling very clear-minded and peaceful. This allowed me to meditate and hold the stillness for a good half hour without much effort, for which I am grateful. Thinking about it, this calmness is likely the result of both the full day I had yesterday and the clearing of my “mental knot”.

• Confidence. I felt good about my training preparation. I have not felt this way for a while, especially when I am about to teach a new subject this Friday. I went through the details again this morning, systematically - starting from the admin, the name list (with a last-minute insertion of a new learner, again...), the assessment reports, the activity workbook, the assessment settings in the portal, and finally the lesson content. There are, of course, some still outstanding admin matters, but these can be completed quickly on the training day itself. For being able to reach where I am now, I give thanks for the many iterations and the preparation I have put in over the past days and weeks. I look forward to delivering the training.

• Breaking the habit. I decided against recording the details of my meals in ChatGPT today. I have been doing it diligently since early Nov 2025 in my efforts to monitor my weight and I had my fair share of struggles with ChatGPT for the constant chiding of what I should eat for each meal. I woke up today almost 2kg heavier than usual, and I am quite certain it was due to the heavy Chinese dinner I had last evening - all the soups, the meats, and so on. But I also realised I had been too strict with myself, to the point of not being able to simply enjoy life. What is the point of imprisoning myself with all the records and getting so worked up about my food intake after each meal? When I think about it, it is actually quite amusing that I should get annoyed with ChatGPT for chiding me about my sodium intake, how much protein I had missed, and what I should make up for, etc. So today, I chose not to record my meals. So what if I end the day weighing a little heavier. What the heck, right? So yes, I am grateful to myself for making this deliberate decision to rid myself of this behaviour, and I am at peace with it.

Yet again, I am reminded that balance is important. It is not about absolute control, but also about knowing when to loosen the grip. Being disciplined - such as devoting time to training preparation - is important, as it gives me peace of mind; but when a behaviour that began as discipline starts to control me, it becomes, in itself, a problem. I am grateful for this realisation.

Grateful 5 Apr: Qingming

I was supposed to be conducting training today, but due to a last-minute change, I found myself unexpectedly free. Instead of sleeping in, I chose to keep to my usual training schedule — I went for an early morning walk, had breakfast, and filled my day with activities. It turned out to be a rather full and meaningful day. On this day, I am thankful for:

• Remembrance. Today is Qingming Festival (清明节), a day of remembrance. Some refer to it as Tomb-Sweeping Day, though this is somewhat simplistic. The Chinese name, when translated literally, means “Clear and Bright”, reflecting the seasonal shift towards warmer, rainier weather and the greening of the landscape. Over time, it has come to be associated with remembering ancestors - visiting graves, offering prayers, and paying respects. As a guide, one can commemorate Qingming by visiting the graves anytime within 2 weeks before/ after the actual day. I had initially planned to visit the columbarium on Tuesday, but decided to go today instead. This year, however, I chose not to purchase the usual ancestor worship paraphernalia. This decision was influenced by a video I watched by a Buddhist venerable, who shared that making a donation to the temple can be just as meaningful as a way of expressing gratitude and remembrance. And that is what I did. 

• Rain. True to its name, it rained while I was on the bus heading to the columbarium. I hadn’t expected it, especially after weeks of blazing heat with hardly any rain, and I had not brought an umbrella. I was prepared to wait it out at the bus stop, but as it turned out, the rain stopped just as I arrived. The weather turned cool, and I was able to walk to the columbarium without getting wet. I felt grateful for that.

• Buddhist class. I am glad I made the effort to attend the Buddhist class after my visit to the columbarium. The topic covered helped me gain clarity on the issue that had troubled me over the past few days. Interestingly, the facilitator did something he had never done before - he invited us to reflect on a recent issue that had been on our minds, and guided us through a short meditation to explore its causes and effects. The exercise was deeply helpful, and it felt as though things fell into place for me. Today’s exercise is so timely and I am truly grateful for it.

Once again, the day felt quietly aligned. Everything seemed to fall into place - from the timely clearing of the rain, to the meditation that brought clarity, and finally, the simple gesture of PY texting to ask if I wanted to have dinner, which I did, and ate my north eastern Chinese food. I could not be more thankful for how the day unfolded.

Grateful Mar 13 (1): The Delivery Man

Tonight, I got a call from a Malaysian number about my regular medication delivery. At first, I thought, “Scam alert!” - but then I noticed a message from the same number asking if anyone was home. I picked up the call. The guy spoke in Malay, sounding a little flustered, asking where I was. He had been going round the area but couldn't find my place. Luckily for him (and me), I can speak enough Malay to understand and respond. I told him I’ll sent my Google location. 

That he spoke in Malay made me conclude he’s Muslim and I wondered - has he broken his fast? This is the fasting month and it was already about 8pm, way past Maghrib - the evening prayer and break fast time. As a non-Muslim, I don't have anything halal to offer. So I hurriedly prepared a can of Coke and two packets of biscuits for him. Soon enough, he arrived at my door. After handing over the medication, I asked if he had eaten, and he confirmed he had not - just some bread and a quick drink. He needed to finish his deliveries first, he said. I offered him the Coke and biscuits, and he gratefully accepted before heading off. He texted me after leaving: “Terima kasih bagi air dan biskut!” (Thank you for giving the drink and biscuits!) 

Poor guy! I could tell he was running purely on determination (and maybe a bit of stubbornness). It made me pause. I wasn’t thinking about my medication or the fact that a Malaysian was delivering it - I was thinking about him, working on an empty stomach during Ramadan. So here’s a heartfelt wish: Ramadan Kareem & Selamat Berpuasa! And a little reminder: sometimes the smallest acts - like offering food or a smile - can mean a lot.

I am a blessed person. Thank you.

2026 Review

Time flies when we do not observe it? Or time flies when we get older? Whatever the reasons. 2026 simply flew by and we are already in mid-Mar, almost a quarter down. So I thought it would be useful to give some thoughts about where I am with regards my 2026 focus:

• Remain grounded in gratitude. I’d rate this 8/10. I’ve made it a point to do my gratitude journaling daily. My buddy called it my “daily prayer” - quite apt, I felt. Admittedly, it’s still not as intuitive as I would like, but I do feel the effects, especially when I observe how others tend to focus on the negatives. The real outcome, I think, is to feel inner peace and happiness. I shall continue to work on this.

• Live with purpose and compassion. I’d rate this 7.5/10. Life has been rather routine lately, but amidst the routines, I’ve kept focused on what is meaningful to me - helping and supporting others. I continue to do this through coaching, mentoring, and training, although coaching and mentoring have fallen short of my expectations. This is despite renewing my commitment to mentor with one organisation this year and signing up with another to do career mentoring. Regardless, these commitments, beyond allowing me to live meaningfully, also provide the engagement I need and a way to practise compassion toward my own mental well-being and ultimately myself.

• Embrace vulnerability and courage. I’d rate this 7/10. This is a direct outcome of what I went through last year (and am still going through). I am embracing life as it comes, handling daily affairs as they arrive and navigating people as I need to. I will probably face my ultimate test in the middle of the year, but I’ll cross that bridge when it comes.

• Nurture relationships that matter. I’d rate this 8/10. I have a clearer view now of what truly matters and have made efforts to invest my energy in the people who do (and consciously not in those who don’t). In this regard, I am glad to have established a better relationship with my sister and my buddy. After a decade, I also sent a text to my brother wishing him a Happy CNY. I recognise that whatever misgivings I have, I need to let them rest - holding onto anger would only punish myself. He is, ultimately, still my brother. He did not reply, and I respect that. Otherwise, I am deeply grateful for the few friends who continue to reach out to me, check in on me, visit me and support me.

• Deepen my spiritual practice. I’d rate this 7/10. I’ve maintained my daily meditations unless I have early engagements. I also make it a point to attend Buddhist classes every Sunday unless I have to conduct training. Otherwise, I remind myself to live life according to what is taught. It’s definitely not easy, but I will consistently keep this in mind.

• Care for my health and well-being. I’d rate this 6.5/10. This is probably the lowest rating for me compared to the other points. I started the year well with my walks, exercises, and careful diet, but I’ve slacked over the past month or so. The most telling sign is the weight gain. I need to be more disciplined and put more work into this.

Of course, the ratings are somewhat arbitrary, but they give me a sense of where I am and how much more attention each area requires. Overall, I feel I’m progressing well this year, and I’m glad I listed these broad focus areas - they’ve guided me effectively so far.

Grateful 8 Mar: The Three Jewels

Today, I attended the weekly Buddhist class and was once again reminded of the teachings of the Buddha - that there is suffering in life, and that there is also a way to overcome suffering. These teachings are simple in their expression, yet profound in their meaning. Each time I listen to them, I find myself reflecting on them a little differently. Perhaps it is because life itself continues to present new situations and experiences. As I close the day, I want to pause and give thanks for the Three Jewels - the Buddha, the Dhamma and the Sangha - that continue to guide me as I seek to understand life more deeply. 

• The Buddha. I give thanks to the Buddha, the teacher who showed us the truth through the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path. One reminder that continues to resonate with me is that every one of us has the potential to become a Buddha. Enlightenment is not reserved for a select few, but something that can be cultivated through discipline, mindfulness and sincere effort. The Buddha also taught the importance of the Middle Path - a path of moderation that avoids the extremes. In many ways, this is also a reminder that the journey of cultivation requires balance, patience and steady effort over time.

• The Dhamma. I am also grateful for the Dhamma. To be able to learn and reflect on these teachings is itself something to be thankful for. Yet today’s reflection reminded me that the truths contained in the Dhamma often have many layers. In living our lives day to day, we are constantly faced with situations that require wisdom to interpret and apply these teachings. Life is rarely black and white. More often, it presents itself in many shades of grey. As such, it requires us to reflect deeply on the teachings and to live our lives with mindfulness and clear intentionality, guided by the spirit of the Middle Path. 

• The Sangha. Finally, I give thanks for the Sangha - the monastics who dedicate their lives to preserving and sharing the teachings of the Buddha. Their commitment ensures that the Dhamma continues to be shared with people like myself who are still learning and still trying to understand. Through their guidance and example, they help keep the light of the teachings alive and remind us that the path of cultivation is one that we continue to walk, step by step. 

As I end the day, I am reminded that cultivation is a lifelong journey. The teachings may be clear, but living them requires discipline, constant reflection, moderation and practice. For today, I am simply grateful for the opportunity to listen, to reflect, and to be reminded once again to walk the path with greater awareness and intention.

Grateful 1 Mar (1): BC

Buddhist classes restarted today after a 3-week CNY break, and I had such a rich learning experience. I will not attempt, nor it is my intention to, to list all the learnings, but I want to call out the 3 important reminders that stood out for me:

• "The Company". During class, we watched a short video where the narrator shared lessons from "Big Panda & the Tiny Dragon". I had read the book before, but hearing the lesson again left me wowed. I truly agree: the company we keep often makes the process so much more fulfilling. 

• Love Yourself. The facilitator asked the class: What qualities do we expect from a best friend? Everyone shared answers like “warmth,” “understanding,” “non-judgmental,” “supportive,” and “being there.” Then he asked, How many of you ever consider yourself to be your own best friend? In that moment, he reminded us that we often externalise love and expectations, forgetting to start with ourselves. Only by loving ourselves first can we truly love others. It also highlighted how, as humans, we are conditioned from birth to seek validation and live by others’ standards - often without asking: What do I really want? Am I satisfied with who I am? I am deeply thankful for this reminder.

• Nurturing a Garden. Towards the end, my facilitator shared an analogy: life is like a plot of land. If we only focus on removing weeds, the plot remains barren. But if we plant seeds and nurture them with care, we grow a vibrant, flourishing garden. Similarly, by cultivating good values, deeds, and experiences, we create a meaningful and rich life. Focus solely on the weeds, and life can feel empty - a timely reminder indeed.

I walked out of today's class feeling much enriched. I have learned much: from meditation techniques to self-love and acceptance, importance of self awareness and the need to be proactive and work on things to improve ourselves, etc but these three lessons left the deepest impact. I’m truly glad Buddhist classes have restarted and that I came away with such meaningful insights.

Family ties

Since young, my mum had drilled me to assume the role of the “head” of the family in my dad’s absence. For example, during major prayers, when my dad was at work, she would get me to lead - kneeling in front of the altar, holding the family joss sticks, and offer the prayers. To a kid no more than 6-7 years of age, it was a tad overwhelming but my mum knelt behind me and guided me on what to say.

That was my upbringing and I have, since my dad’s passing almost two decades ago, become the de facto head of the family, represented my family at my cousins’ weddings and later their children’s. It’s a heavy responsibility, but one I take on with honour and pride. Such traditional practices, founded on Confucian values, are still observed by many Chinese families.

My dad was the second eldest son and became head of his family after my paternal grandfather and eldest uncle passed on. His siblings - all his sisters and his only younger brother - would make it a point to visit us during CNY to pay their respects (to my dad) and celebrate family ties. I deeply respect such traditional practices and have continued to observe them.

With my dad and uncles gone, my aunts and cousins no longer visit us. They are now the elders, and I, in turn, make it a point to buy CNY gifts for them and visit them during festivals. My aunts and cousins, on the other hand, will make it a point to invite me to join them for their family reunions and occasional dinners. Just me, not my siblings.

I appreciate their invitations and gestures. I enjoy these annual and regular get-togethers - they keep the family ties alive. But I also know that once my aunts pass on, these gatherings will stop. After all, as the Hokkien saying goes - monkeys will disperse once the tree falls. But for now, as long as the tree stands, we will continue to meet.

Looking forward to next week’s CNY reunion dinner with my aunt’s family. She has called me several times over the past couple of weeks - to remind me and ask what dishes I want to eat. And she had also reminded me - don’t buy anything too expensive, just something simple is good enough.

Heh…

Picture from https://studycli.org/learn-chinese/chinese-family-tree/

Grateful - 29 Jan: Calm

It’s been just over a week since I started this Gratitude Journaling series, and I’ll be honest - it’s getting harder to write. Not because I have nothing to be grateful for, but because I now see just how much there is. Every time I sit down to write, I realise that behind each small thing I’m thankful for, there’s a whole chain of conditions that must come together for that moment to exist. It’s humbling. Gratitude, I’m learning, isn’t just about listing what went well - it’s about recognising how much is quietly holding everything in place. Today, here are the 3 call outs:

• I’m grateful for something very simple: the ability to journal. That alone tells me I’m privileged. And I don’t mean that in a proud way, but in a deeply humbling one. 

• I’m also grateful for where I am in my spiritual practice. I chose a path that asks me to reflect, to question, to seek wisdom, and to practise compassion. Sometimes, I won’t lie, it feels a little lonely. Many of my friends find comfort in speaking to a higher being and in the promise of something beyond this life. I don’t have that. But what I do have is a growing sense of clarity - from meditation, from reading, from constant inner work - that my life is shaped by my past actions and choices. That realisation gives me both responsibility and hope. It tells me I can still shape what comes next. 

• And finally, I’m grateful for the life I have today - materially and otherwise. I’ve met people who wish they could undo their past and start again. I don’t feel that way. I’m at peace with where I am, because every good choice, every mistake, every detour has played a part in making me who I am now. And for that, I’m thankful. 

So yes, today’s reflection feels more conceptual than usual - but it’s exactly where my mind and heart are right now - calm.

Food & I

It has been a long while since I last wrote anything about “xxx and I”, or about my relationship with a particular subject. So today, I thought I would reflect a little on my relationship with food. Most, if not all, of my key interactions with people I know - relatives, friends, exes, colleagues and others - have taken place over meals. Food is an essential part of my life, and I dare say, everyone’s life. Some of my most memorable moments involving food are captured in the snippets below:

• My earliest memory of food was shredded fried batang fish with chopped chye sim, eaten with white rice drenched in water and a bit of soya sauce. My mum often made this for me when I was a child. She would feed me spoonful by spoonful as I ran around the open spaces of our landlord’s house. It was simple fare, reflective of the days when we were poor and life was much simpler. Yet to toddler-me, it tasted heavenly. I would pester my mum to make it as often as she could.

• Growing up poor, we could afford to eat chicken only 2 or 3 times a year - during Chinese New Year, the Celestial God’s Birthday and the Hungry Ghost Festival. There may have been 1 or 2 other occasions, but these were the ones I remember most clearly. Essentially, we ate chicken only when it was offered to the gods during prayers. It was prepared simply - boiled and rubbed with salt. Whole chicken carcasses were offered to the gods, and salt was the most appropriate preparation (for offerings to the deceased, the chicken would be chopped).

• During my younger days, my dad worked at the airport delivering meals to planes or clearing leftover, unconsumed food. Back then, controls were far less strict, and he would sometimes bring trays of untouched chicken thighs/ drumsticks home in the middle of the night. We would get very excited whenever he did. Occasionally, he would also order takeaway hor fun to go with it, much to our delight. Mum would keep the leftovers and steam them for our breakfast the next day.

• As a teenager, I was literally a bottomless pit. At my peak, I could eat 7 bowls of rice, 2 chicken burgers, 6 doughnuts, 1 roti john and a packet of Hokkien noodles at a go. Looking back, I have no idea how I managed it. My mum often cooked extra rice at night because I was perpetually hungry, and I would prepare fried rice for my supper almost every evening - so I had pork fried rice, chye sim fried rice, seafood fried rice, etc. I also bought doughnuts and dim sum frequently during those years. Puberty really is quite something.

• My mum was very strict - and rather unquestioning - about religious practices. She had been brought up to believe that Buddhists should not consume beef. As a result, we were not allowed to eat beef. Eventually, I learnt that Buddhism does not prohibit the consumption of beef. I first tasted beef by accident during my uni days, when I ate a curry puff at a potluck lunch. My mouth went numb afterwards. Over time, I noticed that this happened whenever I ate beef. It took me several months to get used to it, but I enjoy beef now. Steak? Yes - medium rare.

• I celebrate major occasions with food. One memory that stands out is a Mother’s Day dinner in the mid-1990s. I had just started working and wanted to treat my mum to a nice meal. I made a reservation at a Chinese restaurant for the family. We enjoyed the food, but when my mum found out that the dinner cost over $500, she complained that it was expensive, not value for money, and the food was not even nice. She insisted I had wasted my money and that we would have been better off eating at home. That dinner became her annual gripe every Mother’s Day until she passed on - a classic example of cost versus generational mindset.

• I have travelled widely and tried many different cuisines over the years. That said, I often find myself craving rice after some time. Perhaps it is something ingrained in me from young, tied to my southern Chinese heritage. I need rice to feel sustained - it doesn't matter whether its basmati, pearl short-grain or Thai fragrant rice. I recall spending six months in Tampa, Florida, on a work attachment in the early 2000s. After two weeks of sandwiches, bread and pasta, I couldn't take it and I had to cook my own rice-based meals. That was the same for my Asian peers! We simply missed rice too much.

• Apart from rice, there is one other essential: chilli - or more specifically, malay chilli pastes, or sambal. When I trained overseas for extended periods, I will not fail to ask my mum to prepare a bottle of sambal belachan for me, especially when I was heading to Taiwan. It is not that they lack chilli there, but I was brought up in a Peranakan and South-East Asian environment, and I am accustomed to the spices of this region. It has become part of my identity as a Singaporean, or more broadly, as a South-East Asian. I feel completely at home with the cuisines of Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia, Thailand, the Philippines and beyond.

• I enjoy trying all kinds of food and have savoured delicacies from many countries and continents. People often ask me what my favourite cuisine is. To tell you the truth, I do not have a specific favourite. I am not particularly picky, and every place has its own distinctive flavours. I enjoy whatever I eat at wherever I visit. I feel blessed by the rich food experiences I have had. They have allowed me to connect more deeply with people. Food, after all, is an extension of culture.

• That said, there was one particularly repulsive food experience that remains vivid in my memory - fresh snake blood. During my national service days, as part of survival training, we were required to kill and prepare live animals for food. And so, we were given live chickens, iguanas, pythons, rabbits, frogs and turtles, etc. I still recall a python being hung up and dangled from the second floor, we had to severe its head and consume the blood as it flowed. The taste was cold, salty and metallic. It was an experience I will never forget.

• I have a sweet tooth. I enjoy cakes (tiramisu, Black Forest, carrot cake, chocolate mousse, etc) as well as ice cream (rum and raisin, cookies and cream, peanut butter), cookies, macarons, and all kinds of Malay and Peranakan desserts such as chendol, bubur terigu, bubur cha cha, pengat and all sorts of kueh kueh. Desserts have become such a natural part of my meals that I instinctively leave space for them. To me, anything coconut-based is good - and this probably explains my love for curries and many Malay and Peranakan desserts. That said, I am not a big fan of South Asian desserts, which I find overly sweet.

• I once travelled to Israel for work and was struck by the warmth and hospitality of my host. I was hosted to lunch and was served an enormous spread of bread and condiments - hummus, olives, jams and more. Wanting to show my appreciation, I ate a bit of everything. Just as I was completely full and ready to stop, my host cheerfully announced, “Alright, now let’s enjoy the mains.” OMG! I could say the same of Middle Eastern hospitality in places like Abu Dhabi and Dubai - long meals, abundant food, and an emphasis on generosity. I always ended up eating far more than I have space for.

• I once attended a wedding in Hyderabad with colleagues and was assigned a chaperone for the 3-day celebrations. From early morning to late night, we were constantly fed vegetarian food. The chaperone’s job was to ensure we were well fed - and we certainly were. And the amount and spread was humongous! By the end, we were desperate for meat. On the final day, we were taken to a famous Hyderabad dum biryani restaurant, where we were served heaps of fragrant rice and chicken, along with countless side dishes. Many of us swore off vegetarian food for months after that trip.

• The first meal with my first partner was at a zichar place at Simpang Bedok. We ordered a couple of dishes including salted vegetable soup with tofu and seafood. I later learned that he thought the soup tasted like dishwater as he disliked watery soups and preferred thick, gooey, strong flavoured ones such as sharks fin, sweet sour soup, etc. Added to that, he has a preference for western fare such as steaks, pasta, sandwiches, etc.

• My last partner loved good food and always wanted me to bring him to good restaurants. It was not uncommon to hear him say things like, "You never bring me to this place or that place". I always end up being chided for not bringing him to taste whatever food I had eaten before whenever I mentioned about any specific eatery to him. 

• I am not too fussy about food.  I believe that food is for sustenance, i.e. eating to live and not the other way round - living to eat. Also, I cannot really differentiate between good, better or best food. But of cos, I can draw a clear distinction between good and bad food and there remain some things that I will not eat. Then again, taste is subjective - one man’s meat is another man’s poison. Being practical and simple, I value company and convenience over type of food I eat. I will not bother to join long queues for food at any eateries, no matter how good the food is. 

So yeah, above were some of my key reflections/ memories related to food. I totally agree with the saying - the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Afterall, food defines a large part of a person's identity, culture and life experiences. My reflections above is a testament to this.

2025 - Grounded, then Surrendered

Preface

This entry took me more than a month to write, even with some help from ChatGPT. It has been one of the hardest pieces I’ve written in a long time. My first draft was too raw - influenced too much by experiences that are still unfolding. I needed time and distance before I could sit with the year and see it with greater clarity. 

I also struggled with the descriptors for the year. I didn’t want it to sound overly negative, yet I wanted it to reflect the truth of what the year held. I considered single words like gratitude, compassion, courage, surrender - all of which felt close, but not quite complete. The turning point came after Christmas, when I decided I didn’t need to force the year into a single narrative. Instead, I could honour it as it was lived - in two very distinct parts. And with this, I chose a dual-descriptor title - Grounded, then Surrendered.

This reflection follows that structure. 

I welcome comments but request that no questions be asked. It is simply my attempt to make sense of a year that asked much of me - and changed me in ways I am still coming to understand.

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2025 began grounded and purposeful, before giving way to a season that demanded surrender and introspection.

A year after leaving corporate life and earning my credentials as a trainer and coach, I stepped into 2025 ready to rebuild. There was momentum and a quiet confidence in how I should push forth but things did not happen the way I wanted it to. What unfolded was a first half shaped by movement and purpose, and a second that called for a very different kind of presence altogether.

Part I: Grounded & Purposeful (January - May)

2025 kicked off with the momentum established in 2024. It carried a sense of rhythm and direction, and life felt anchored. There was meaning in the work I was doing, energy in the connections I was nurturing, and a quiet confidence in how I showed up each day. I was engaged, contributing, and moving with intention. I was mentoring, coaching and training. And I was traveling…

Then the year shifted... big time!

Part II: Surrender & Introspection (June - December)

From mid-year onward, life pressed in ways beyond my control. What followed was a sustained period of constraint and reckoning. Freedom narrowed significantly. Time came to a standstill. Familiar reference points disappeared. This period became a season of surrender. Strength no longer looked like progress or achievement. Instead, it was about staying present, honest and facing harsh realities. I told myself I must take accountability despite being confronted with fear, vulnerability, and uncertainties. But during this time, something quieter emerged: Clarity. Not dramatic or sudden, but quiet and steady. I came to recognise that endurance, moment by moment, could itself be a form of strength.

Rediscovering Purpose & Compassion 

This period crystallized my understanding of purpose. I had previously believed purpose was something found at the end of the journey - a destination reached through striving. But 2025 taught me otherwise. Purpose revealed itself in small, often unremarkable moments: choosing presence, offering care and support, staying engaged even when depleted. Supporting others - through mentoring, coaching, and training - remained central. Even during the most constrained months, I continued to walk alongside people and helping them navigate their uncertainties. Admittedly, there were many days where I had absolutely nothing left in me to offer except to listen and to hold space quietly. And it made me realise that purpose is not measured by outcomes or visibility, but by consistency and sincerity. I also learned that compassion must begin from within to be truly effective. I needed to be patient and gentle with myself when I was exhausted, and to forgive myself when I met my limits and could offer no more. Only then could I continue to be present for others.

Family & Meaningful Relationships 

This year clarified who truly matters. Despite the strains in relationships in 2024, family showed up in ways that were steady and unquestioning. Their presence anchored me when everything else felt uncertain. Friends and colleagues who continued to trust me - despite the circumstances - reminded me that connection is sustained through constancy, not convenience. During this period, new relationships were made, even as existing ones were tested and revealed their limits. Some drifted. Some disappointed. But I am grateful to all. These relationships continued to teach me about the importance of truth, boundaries, and reciprocity. 

Spiritual Grounding through Buddhism 

The experiences I had made me go back to my spiritual roots. Buddhism became a steady anchor through this period. I returned to regular meditation - sitting, observing, allowing - it became less a practice and more a refuge. It taught me again that surrender is not weakness but courage: the courage to remain present, to loosen the grip on certainty, to meet experience as it is. Through practice, I learned to trust impermanence rather than resist it. To find steadiness not in control, but in awareness. In stillness, I found clarity. In acceptance, strength. And in letting go, freedom. 

Inner Strength and Quiet Courage 

This year tested courage in ways I didn’t expect. Not the dramatic kind, but the kind that endures. The courage to take accountability. To feel fully. To act with integrity when no one is watching. To continue supporting others while carrying my own weight internally. There were moments when I was stretched beyond comfort - holding space for others while managing my own discomfort and uncertainty. And in doing so, I discovered a resilience I had not known before. In the process, I learned that strength is not always visible but simply the decision to stay present, to respond with care, and to keep going. 

Well-Being, Health, and Self-Compassion 

A major breakthrough this year is in the area of health. Despite several health scares, I end the year with a clean bill of health - heart, kidneys, blood pressure all steady. In many ways, I am healthier than I have in decades. This year reinforced that caring for the body is not indulgence, but responsibility. Movement, nourishment, rest, and rhythm became acts of respect. They grounded me and gave me the capacity to endure. Every walk, every mindful meal, every pause became a quiet affirmation: I matter. Well-being is not merely survival; it is living with intention. It is preserving the capacity to show up - for life, and for others. 

2025 in a Nutshell 

This year was defined by contrast - between movement and stillness, effort and surrender, certainty and unknowing. It was a year that forced things onto me, stripped things back and tested me in ways I did not anticipate nor choose.  But I chose how to meet them and in doing so, I found Clarity. Strength. Purpose. Compassion - for others and for myself.

Looking Ahead to 2026

The Chinese zodiac predicts that 2026, the Year of the Fire Horse, will be a superbly challenging year for me (as I’m a Fire Horse myself) and friends have suggested that I keep a low profile to protect myself. Perhaps 2025 was meant to prepare me for it. Whatever the case, I step into 2026 carrying the lessons of 2025: 

• To remain grounded in gratitude, even when life feels uncertain. 
• To live with purpose and compassion, through mentoring, coaching, and presence. 
• To embrace vulnerability and courage, showing up even when it feels uncomfortable. 
• To nurture relationships that matter, rooted in trust and authenticity. 
• To deepen my spiritual practice, allowing surrender to guide me. 
• To care for my health and well-being, so I can continue to live and serve fully. 

2026, I am ready.

Happy New Year everybody!

Vesak Day 2025

I did things slightly differently for Vesak Day this year. 

For a start, I made the trip to the monastery to collect the ticket for the 3-step-1-bow ritual and managed to complete the event before midnight. This was unlike previous years where I had to queue at 10pm and could only complete at around 3-4am. But things were not as smooth as I expected it to be. I had, at a last minute, accepted the request to conduct a weekend class and it ended around 6pm. I had not eaten properly the whole day but I needed to rush to the temple by 7pm. In the end, I started the ritual feeling hungry and thirsty. I perspired profusely through the ritual and started feeling faint halfway through. 

By the time I ended, I was in no state to do the Bathing the Buddha ritual. The queue was superbly long and I needed to fix myself first before I collapse from hunger, dehydration and exhaustion. But that aside, I do also suspect my inability to complete the full ritual was due to age. The ritual of bowing every three steps over a distance of about 800m(?) to a km was an exhausting process. I started undertaking this ritual since 1990 (this year is my 35th year) to fulfil a vow I made. And in recent years, the distance that I could do the bow every 3 steps gets shorter and shorter. Nonetheless, I will continue to do this for as long as I am mobile.  Let's see how long more I can go. 

Wishing everyone a blessed Vesak 2025.

ps: someone posted this video in YouTube and I actually spotted myself in it! LOL!

9.9 - A special day

According to traditional Hokkien beliefs, herbs are at their most potent on the 9th day of the 9th month in the lunar calendar, a day celebrated as the Chongyang Festival. 

This day also coincides with the birthday of the Nine Heavenly Emperors, which was once a major event for many Taoists. As a child in the 1970s, my mother would take me to the temple, where worshippers, all dressed in white, would wear yellow wristbands to ward off evil and follow a vegetarian diet. Menstruating women were considered 'unclean' and were not allowed in the temple. In the evening, the temples would carry the deities in vibrant parades along major roads, with crowds lining the streets to join in the celebrations.

At home, the day always started with a large pot of herbal chicken soup. Everyone in the family was required to drink at least one bowl. This soup wasn’t just for warding off diseases—it helped to strengthen the body as the weather turned cooler with the approach of winter. On this day, the herbal soup was made to be more 'yang,' or heaty, to boost immunity and protect the body from colds and flu.

These memories of Chongyang Festival remind me of how traditions intertwine with both culture and health. Even now, taking herbal soup on this day feels like a way to connect with both my heritage and my well-being. 

Time for a bowl of soup!

it's June 2022

What probably shaped the first half year was the gradual opening up of the country, and my sabbatical. As things open up, travels resumed, religious practises returned (I did my 3-step-1-bow again after 2 years!), routines were adjusted, etc. and with the start of my sabbatical, I have the time to do and revisit things I have never done before... let me cover a couple of aspects of my life here and I shall start off with my health and well-being, given that it is something I have wanted to focus on this year.

Health 

As a follow-up from the health scare in Dec 21, I saw the cardiologist in Jan 22 and was put through a series of tests. The cardiologist said all results were "within normal range" and that there were nothing that I should be too concerned about. Nonetheless, I noted there was a small anomaly seen in the ECG - something that I did not see in my previous ECGs. I decided that I should take things slow and not over-exert myself (especially after my burn-out experience in 2021).  Not long after, I caught COVID-19 in the last week of Jan 22. It was quite an uncomfortable period as my partner had returned to his home country. Thankfully, my sister and friends banded and supported me through the period when I was quarantined, delivering food to me. I emerged from the quarantine relatively well. I experienced a prolonged period of coughs, sore throat and sinus but these were generally not too debilitating thankfully. Apart from this, the usual body pains and aches continued to feature and these, I supposed, were part of my ageing process. I have continued with my usual daily walks to keep well and have also started swimming occasionally.

Work

I was so close to resigning late last year but had taken the advice of a colleague-turned-friend who suggested that I should take a sabbatical instead. This would allow me time to rest before I explore my professional journey ahead. To be fair to the company and my team, I continued to push through the annual planning and budgeting process and complete the annual employee appraisal before I start my sabbatical on 1 Apr. I have applied for a 6-month sabbatical and will be away from work until end-Sep 22. I needed to do this to recuperate (from my burn-out), to get away from my toxic work environment, to review my career options and to let my heart have a breather. My big boss has promised that I would be reporting to a different person when I return, and that I would assume a different port-folio. Frankly speaking, I have not decided if I should go back. In the meantime, I am just taking things slow and living a semi-retired life. Told myself I owe myself time to just chill and relax and not think about anything else. I have, since the start of my sabbatical, met up with a couple of ex-colleague-turned-friend who shared their thoughts about my career directions moving ahead (e.g. should I go back to my corporate life, or should I start all over). I greatly appreciate their views and will review my options closer to Jul/ Aug period.

Partner/ Family

My partner went back to his home country several times over the last half year. The first trip was an extended one that lasted over 2 months from end-last year to mid-Feb 22. It had been quite a while since I lived alone and for so long and, I supposed, allowed me the space to reflect on what it means to live alone (e.g. my daily routines). On hindsight, I thought that was quite a refreshing period for me. Family-wise, things are as normal as it can possibly be. The usual checking-ins, sharing of food, etc. Have also made the effort to pass the bak chang to my eldest sis - my first visit to her home since 2014 (or even longer). Other than that, I had also attempted to visit my uncle in Taiping in Feb 22, only to find the place deserted, gates lock and with overgrown weeds. I suspect my uncle might have passed on. 

Friends

Generally, been keeping in contact with friends. There have been some tensions with a couple of them (one to be exact) but generally, I have maintained contact with my circle of closer friends. The opening up of the society recently also meant there are less house visits. Gatherings these days are largely done over dinners in eateries/ restaurants. I have also made efforts to reach out to some old friends and am glad to know they are all well and good.

Home

Have done much changes to the house this year with a minor renovation done (much belated and delayed). Got the house repainted, doors repainted and the parquet fully polished, Decided against polishing the marble as many of the tiles had "popped". In addition, installed shelves to better organise the washing machine/ laundry space, digital lock for the main door, changed the living room furniture etc... so, yeah, lotsa changes to the home. Thought the outcome was really good and it felt new. This will probably last me the next few years until it is time for me to transition to public housing when I retire.

Hobbies

I have, especially since the start of my sabbatical, started revisiting some old hobbies. I have organised a small garden and have started growing plants such as Mexican mint, money plants, and some other ornamentals. The plants certainly provide a good use of my time and it's really lovely to see the plants thrive and grow. Occasionally, I will also do some handicraft (e.g. macrame) for my friends. 

Trips

I am starting to travel again with the first few trips taken to Malaysia. The first trip was in Feb 22. It was my first trip out of the country since the lock down and was an interesting one given the many additional tests, procedures, etc. The second trip occurred just when I started my sabbatical. As the land borders had opened and we could travel without pre-departure test, I decided to drive all the way to Penang and back. That was probably one of the longest drive I had taken in recent times - 1300km in total! Apart from that, I have also travelled to Johor for the weekend. Am looking forward to my extended holiday in Jul/ Aug 22 where we will be heading off to UK.

So yeah, the above kinda captured my first 6 months of 2022. It had passed by so quickly. The last 2 months were rather interesting. I didn't expect myself to feel stressed but that was how I felt - I was uneasy as I was suddenly faced with too much time at hand. I have since gotten used to it. Objectively, the sabbatical have allowed me to do almost nothing related to work and focused on myself, my home, my friends, and to reconsolidate my life (finances, insurance, etc). I have about 4 months more for my sabbatical. 

Let's see where it takes me...

Respect

My group of friends (close enough to acknowledge ourselves as family) would hold hands and join 2 of them (who are a Roman Catholics) to say grace before meals even though amongst us, we have Buddhists, Taoists, and freethinkers. Contrary to some who may frown at this act as they might see it as sacrilegious and/ or undermining our respective faiths, I do see things otherwise. In fact, it reflects my respect to their religion and for that matter, reinforce my confidence in and faith as a Buddhist. 

Ok, this is a tat random. Am blogging as I do my evening walk.