vegetarianism

my annual practice of vegetarianism started tuesday (yesterday).

must make sure i don't balloon this time round.

lol!

heated patches

as i walked to work yesterday morning, i felt patches of heat on different parts of my bald head. i had never experienced this before previous few years when i went bald! it was a weird feeling but interesting. 

it reminded me of a server with different parts running and getting heated up. 

lol!

baldness revisited

i went bald again on monday, the eve of the first day of the fourth lunar month this year. and interestingly, the same thing happened to me this year. i hesitated a little at the barber entrance.

i actually pondered if i should only go bald after meeting with my big boss tuesday. i was a little self-sensitive and wondered if he'll ask me why i went bald. and frankly, i thought i look weird (and unglam, haha!) too.

then i remembered why i wanted to go bald - i wanted to guard against vanity and be detached from worldly desires. and with that realization, i walked in and got my head shaved.

sleep aid

was at the petrol kiosk couple of days ago and while waiting for the attendant to finish topping up the petrol, i noticed boxes of off-the-shelf sleep aid. took it up and noted it contained gaba and melatonin. there was 2 bottles in each box and the notes on the box claimed it was from natural sources and that it wculd help insomniacs and persons with jet lag. i decided to try it out and....

it actually worked!

well, it kinda made me drowsy and lazy. i slept ok although some time in the middle of the night, i kinda got into this half asleep state. but that was only for a short while. i went into deep sleep about 5am and woke up feeling rather ok at about 6-ish. but what's important was that i had an almost uninterrupted night.

i have not taken the second bottle yet. i don't think there is a need so far.

:-)

9th anniversary

was a simple but interesting high tea at the marina oriental hotel axis bar & lounge last sunday. that was the day we met to mark our 9 years together.

there were 5 courses with a total of 18 bite-sized items. a few times, we wondered if we could ask for a refill of what we liked. but in the end, we decided not to ask as we thought it would be a tat awkward and embarrassing if we were to be told we could not. then again, i supposed we were not sufficiently wowed to risk the embarrassment! heh! i must say the food quality was generally good and the names sounded very impressive. and thankfully we did not. the tea was rather filling, especially when they kept topping up our pot of tea leaves with fresh hot water (that's the trick to make your customers full, by the way), and towards the end, it was pure sugar loading!

it was a relaxing afternoon although i do add that the conversation revolved around mundane and routine stuff, interspersed with moments of self-time and infrequent gossips about whether some guy-guy fellow customers were gay. also, some things, such as those related to family tensions, were not said cos we knew the depths and backgrounds, and perhaps have already made assumptions and concluded the answers if we were to bring it up. and some topics were potential minefields that were inappropriate for that moment. that was how we spend the 9th anniversary afternoon.

kinda typical of couples being together for 9 years?

:-)

ps: had to lie to my mum that i had gone for a malay wedding reception. didn't want her to get stressed out and wondering about whether i had gone out to meet bad people...

captain america - the winter soldier

watched captain america: the winter soldier last night with bee.

wanted to watch something brainless such as rio 2 initially but booked captain america in the end as there was no other midnight shows. i didn't regret my decision. i never expected the show to be sooooo bloody good!

the fighting scenes looked real with proper choreographed kungfu for once! it didn't come across as staged and fake, or worst, comical (that is why i have never really liked jackie chan movies). and i particularly loved the fact that everyone acted so very well. very strong cast. the good-looking heartthrobs of today and yesteryears were all present! for a start, there was the long time heartthrob of my uni lecturer, robert redford (remembered how she talked non-stop about him back then during lecture and how she wouldn't mind spending a night with him... haha!) and not to mention, chris evans (who acted as captain america) was sooooo yummilicious! and also, scarlett johannson (who acted as black widow)! but seriously, captain america (disregarding all the history behind how and why it was created and all the propaganda behind it) was so attractive becos he came across as so human, so guy-next-door, and who is in touch with his emo-sensitive self. and his chemistry with black widow was so good!

chris evans was such a new-age sensitive guy, such a hunk, so metrosexual, so man, so...

ok, think i got a little carried away...

:-)

sentimental

i get sentimental during anniversaries and i have the tendency to think back about key moments of my life. perhaps that is why i was reminded of old songs. and talking about old songs, i was reminded of this...

all the images that rushed through my head when i listen to old songs such as this. people of the past, people who touched my life.

i am a sentimental person. 

a sentimental die hard.

bee gees

they never know how big they featured in many people's lives back then. and till today, many of their songs continue to bring so much warm to our hearts. was driving home from breakfast with mum yesterday and this song hit me out of no where. i did a quick google and decided to post a link to my facebook and within a few hours, it garnered many many likes from my friends. this post if i may add, will never do justice to all the good they brought to us years ago, and still do today.

and i dare say, the songs by many singers/ groups from back then gets better with years.

those were the golden years of music, from my perspective.

oldies are very much goldies.

:-)

passion?

i received a surprise message from an ex-military colleague yesterday. he served under me in the early 1990s and is now still in service, with a rank that is higher than me. interestingly, he asked me if i want to consider working as a dxo under him...

well, much as i appreciate his asking, i told him i no longer want to associate myself with the military anymore. he was a little confused. and without telling the details to him, i told him about how i was, in my view, mishandled by the military in 2005. he felt terribly disappointed with what happened but decided not to ask further. and he said this very interesting thing to me...

"for whatever the reasons, you will always be my leader and i've always admired your passion towards the military. thanks for sharing your tensions and how they treated you. rest assure it will stay with me."

my friend, i thought, passion is an outcome of finding what we do meaningful to us. loyalty, on the other hand, is totally passé. you can be loyal to your organisation, but it will weed you out when you are no longer valued. often, many mix these two up, and to regret later.

i made that mistake. that is the lesson i have learnt.

i no longer trust the institution.

ladder of inference

jumping to wrong conclusions (as explained in the ladder of inference) is a constant thing that screw up most interactions for everyone. and i experience this when i interact with mum very often. here's a classic example. the context being, mum didn't sleep the whole night despite taking double dose of sleeping pills. it always happen when i leave the house for, say, run, or watch a movie. i went to watch a movie last night and it happened again. here's our conversation this morning.

end-of-9

this the last day of our nine years together

pre-9th anniversary

tomorrow we start our journey to hit the decade mark
this time next year

end of 8 (start of nine), end of 7 (start of 8), end of 6 (start of 7), end of 5 (start of 6), end of 4 , end of 3, reflective end of 2, and i did not blog anything during our anniversaries before that!

picture from http://q83lm.com/e-cards/the-number-9-4/

lorazepam 2

have taken the sleeping pill again last night.

and on both nights, i noticed something very interesting. i did stir in the middle of the night, but i was not able to wake up totally per se. so, it was something like trying to waking up fully, but floating in a state that was just short of waking up. i could only attribute it to the sleeping pill. 

so, nett-nett, i would say it was good, i didn't wake up. i will consider taking it on and off once or twice more just to get my body out of the waking up habit. and i will stop. lorazepam is a short-term sleep aiding medication and a person can get use to it to the point where the body becomes insensitive to it. and worst still, addicted to it.

better take only when needed and not become reliant on it.

:-)

lorazepam

decided to take lorazepam to aid my sleep tonight.

gave the same to my mum earlier. hopefully, she will be able to sleep well too. last night, she stayed awake through the night and interrupted my sleep with her cough. i had to wake up to administer the cough mixture for her and gave her a sleeping pill. but it didn't work, so she claimed. today, she was totally hostile towards the maid and i came home from work to a very agitated mum that threatened to slap the maid. had to tread a very thin line between calming her and avoiding further tensions with the maid.

anyway, i hope to be able to sleep properly tonight, and not wake up at 2am.

let's see how things go...

promotion after all

yup, contrary to earlier inputs, i will be expecting one after all. here's the story...

my chief has arranged for me to have lunch with her tomorrow. she said it would be to tell me about my performance. well, i wasn't surprised to get this appointment. it is, after all, expected considering we will be expecting our pay adjustment by end of the month and thus, bosses are required to talk to their direct reports to debrief them about their performance. it was kind of a non-affair for me frankly speaking, more so after my immediate head debriefed me last week (very apologetically) that nothing's gonna change for me.

then this evening, just about an hour plus ago, i got a call from my immediate head. it was not normal for him to call me, much less at such an odd hour. and he told me he would be on leave tomorrow and thought it would be important for him to prime me before i head out for the lunch. apparently, he had another round of discussion with my chief and they agreed that i have been doing more than what is expected of me, and it would be important that my responsibilities and contributions be recognised; even if the bad operating environment and the company's lacklustre performance do not allow them to commensurate this promotion with the same magnitude in terms of the pay adjustment. as usual, he sounded apologetic about it but said that would be the least he could do for me before he leaves end next month (he's a contract staff).

well, what more can i say right? i expressed my appreciations and thanked him for it.

i thought it's very nice of him to push for it.

anticipations

i am frankly anticipating the pain when the kidney stones start to move. moving kidney stones are no small thing. the pain i experienced before was terrible! i was totally incapacitated and i could not do anything other than curl in bed and grimace as my body experienced extremes between chills and high fever.

so, it is with this anticipation that i constantly feel rather uncertain as to when the movement will start. by itself, it is rather an unsettling feeling. not knowing if i will suddenly become incapacitated. what if it happens during my training? what happens if it happens when mum goes cranky? i can only feel a stressed by the uncertainty and anticipation.

this anticipation and stress is made worst by the increased sensitivity to little aches and pains i feel whenever i move. and probably causing me uneasy nights (i had non-stop nightmares last night!) and yes, i woke up this morning to find a cold sore developing on my lower lip. i get cold sores when i experience extreme stress. and this time round, i think it is due to this anticipation... 

and thankfully, my stress is not as bad given that i have made deliberate plans to slow down things at work. i am typing this post at the canteen. and at this immediate moment, what is stressing me is the uneasy feeling in my tummy. i think i need to go to the toilet. haha!

:-)

mum going cranky again

was walking home from work when i got a call from sis.

i knew it would not be anything good. and as per my expectations, it wasn't. she told me mum had called her. and mum told her the maid is in cahoots with some lady from block 7 and my previous maid to harm her. mum added that the maid always act suspiciously and stays in the toilet for more than half an hour every time... la la la... yup, almost the same storyline all over again. frankly, i do at times feel so freaking frustrated as to why i have to be at the receiving end of the tensions she had had in her younger days. but well... anyway, back to the call. i didn't bother to ask further, and simply told my sis that i will manage her. she asked me if i needed her to come in to talk some sense into her. she asked if i could titrate her medications further. i simply told her that i will managed. she should now be able to fully appreciate what i meant when i told her sometime back that i had hesitated getting a maid as i had expected this to happen and i would end up having to manage 2 persons instead of one. but well... 

i got home and it was déjà vu all over again. mum was in my room, looking all moody and suspicious. you kinda know how the whole evening panned out. was extra careful when i spoke with her. she was superbly sensitive sensory-wise, reacting sharply to everything around her. every little noise, every small movements, etc. would evoke a quick question from her. and she was also extra sensitive emotionally and psychologically through the evening. she asked me every little details of why i did this or why i did that, what was i looking at, why was i looking at this or that, where was the maid, why did she do this, why did she do that... it was like as though she was up on guard against everything possible.

was quite a challenging evening. she's finally retired to bed.

let's hope she doesn't create any issues in the middle of the night.

losing my voice again

well... almost. 

i thought i had my voice back after almost a week plus of rest. i went back to work yesterday and had to conduct a day of training. but halfway through the day, my voice started cracking... and my throat started hurting... and perhaps it was becos of my recent bouts of illness, i was totally conscious of the need to drink and i made it a point to drink like a sponge through the day. heh... almost got it back again today. 

i have one more day of training tomorrow. 

let's see how it goes. 

:-)

morning moon

it wasn't here last year... 

and i decided to snap it as i walked to work.

and ooooo, i didn't even realize i caught the moon. 

kept thinking it was some dirt on my phone screen...

nice!

walking zombies

i enjoyed my walk to work this morning. the whole experience, though different from last year, was just as rich visually. 

and interestingly, i do notice that the people that come out of the train station look somewhat different. it was not just that fact that there are new faces (some quite young and cute too! ha), but rather, i do have the feel like as though i was walking alone amongst a lot of zombies.

really! and i say this becos one can really feel so very alone and isolated amidst the morning crowd of  people cos they were all rushing madly out of the train station and to make it even more interesting, almost every other person were so lost in their own worlds and did not seemed to be aware of the surroundings. they were all so absorbed in their individual world of smartphones, either watching some videos or listening to so loud music.

terrible right? and i can bet everyone to the last dollar that no one noticed the blue sky, the greenery, the flowers on the incandescence bending down, drenched and dripping with the morning dew drops, and the little birds busy hunting and pecking the grass patches, picking their breakfasts... no one was living in the present! very sad indeed...

but well, as i said, i enjoyed my walk. 

looking forward to doing it again tomorrow!

amazing changes...

i got the parking notice yesterday and decided to walk to work today. 

and as i journey along the path, it hit me how much things have changed! and it was no more than just 8-9 months that i took the same path but the whole journey look and feel totally different now. of cos, the morning freshness was still there, other than that, everything else seemed to have changed. the new university that was no more than foundation-laying back now has almost reached completion. there are also new buildings along my path to my office... well, yes of course i knew back then that these building would be coming up, but everything seemed so different when i see it myself as i walk to work today.

amazing! then again, that is the singapore i know. things change at a superbly quick rate. frankly, i myself dare not claim to know the city these days, given that i have not really venture into town for a while. same goes for some of the new housing estates, estates that was build over some of the older sub-urban areas that i used to roam and explore some years back. hmmm...

:-)

right side of road

after parking at the undeveloped areas of the business park uninterrupted for almost 9 months, i returned to my car at the end of the day and saw a parking offence note on my windscreen. it states to the likes of "do not make payment"... and "notice of offence - parking at the right side of the road".

hmmm... this only mean i will be getting a formal letter send to my place with a fine shortly. but i was kinda curious as much as i was amused (and to a small extent angered) by what this means. parking the the right side of the road is an offense? I had made it a point many a times to check with the parking enforcement officers that does their rounds frequently daily on the possibility of parking there. and consistently, i have been told that i would be fine if i parked on the left side as it was painted with a double yellow line. but i could do so on the right side as there was no lines drawn and thus, there was nothing to suggest i couldn't do so.

and now this? doesn't make sense at all...

手放開

我把自己關起來　只留下一個陽台
每當天黑推開城門　對著夜幕發呆
看著往事　一幕一幕
再次演出你我的愛

我把電視機打開　聽著別人的對白
也許那些故事　可以給我一個交代
你要的愛　我學不來
眼睜睜看情變壞　人怔怔看情感慨

＊不能給你未來　我還你現在
安靜結束也是另一種對待
當眼淚流下來　傷已超載
分開也是另一種明白

＃〔我給你〕最後的疼愛　是手放開
不要一張雙人床中間隔著一片海
感情的污點就留給時間慢慢漂白
把愛收進胸前左邊口袋

最後的疼愛　是手放開
不想用言語拉扯所以選擇不責怪
感情就像候車月台　有人走有人來
我的心是一個站牌　寫著等待

重唱　＊,＃

我把收音機打開　聽著別人的失敗
哽咽的聲音彷彿訴說著相同悲哀
你的依賴　還在胸懷
我無法輕易推開　我無法隨便走開
感情中專心的人容易被傷害

rain, purge my mind!

i was driving to my brother's place earlier this afternoon when it rained cats and dogs! it was a really really heavy rain. it was so heavy that every car on the road slowed down to no more than 40-50kmph for the visibility was reduced to no more than 30m. 

and admittedly for that very moment, some very weird thoughts went through my mind. will i skid and die? will i crash or will someone crash into me and kill me? for that matter, will these things happen and kill everyone in my car (i.e. including my mum and my maid)? at the same time, i have this very very strong urge to want to just stop my car, and run out to get myself drenched. i so very want to let the rain water wash away all my frustrations! i needed to clear my mind!

haha... rain always has such cathartic effect on me since young.

difficult week

it has been a very difficult week on all fronts for me.

health-wise, the doctor has more or less confirmed that i have recurring kidney stones. and my cough and choked nose continued to trouble me. was given 2 days of mc to rest at home. then again, i had to stay away from the house as i did not want mum to worry about me. 

work-wise, i was on mc but on the days when i was back at work, i felt totally lost and many interesting developments took place. i was told i will not be promoted. i was half dead and had to conduct a 1-day program despite my bad throat. almost lost my voice a couple of times through the day and had to excuse myself a couple of times to clear my throat and my nose. i was glad i pulled through it. i was glad it was a short work-week. 

at home, mum was relative stable but her condition constantly turn a little "iffy" at night. the constant worry of her mood turning bad kept me on my toes throughout the week. it was quite challenging to have to continue with the nightly routine of bringing her out to keep her mind occupied despite my sickness. but i supposed the outings also allowed me some fresh air and that kept me going.

relationship-wise, it was disastrous. bee returned after his 4-day/ night disappearance to bkk for songkran. my anxiety and worries turned very quickly into anger and i literally burst! my anger carried through the week. despite this tensions, i had to keep a cheerful and smily face in front of mum and at work. not easy. 

all these tensions translated to constant foul moods and sleepless nights or at best, nights with lots of interrupted sleep and weird dreams. well, i'm glad i survived. i supposed when things are down, the only direction that it can go going forward is up. it's good friday today and yes, it was indeed a good friday for me. 

in all sense. 

disoriented

after almost 5 months of intense conduct of training to clear as many people as possible, i have finally decided to slow things down. and i did so becos i wanted to create capacities to focus on other areas in this new fiscal year. more importantly, my physical health is breaking down and i need to give my body a break. 

so with effect from this month, i have reduced my training frequency tremendously. and suddenly, i feel very exhausted. burnt out, i supposed. and added to that, i also feel very lost. it's like as though i have started a new job altogether! i didn't know where to start and how to move. and i also sensed my staff feeling the same! haha!

then again, i reminded myself not to be too worried about it. this feeling of unsettledness will probably only be transient. and once things pick up, i am sure i will be up and going again.

:-)

no promotion

i had a talk with my immediate head two days ago and told him about my conversation with my chief, the one about not working too hard, about prioritising myself above everything else, etc. and he didn't seemed surprised. in fact, he went on to share with me some things that i didn't expect him to share. some details of what had been discussed between him and her about my progression in the company.

lingering sickness

the frequent coughs and the blocked nose has cleared to a certain extent over the last couple of days. nonetheless, i still have the tendency to break into violent bouts of cough once a while. and when that happens, i can hear and feel thick viscous phlegm from deep inside my lungs. not very comforting.

i can only hope for it to clear totally by next week...

scarred by songkran

throughout the week, whenever i see the word "songkran", and/ or read about all the gay circuits, the parties, fun and orgies that happened during the songkran period, i get very upset. it did not matter if he was involved in it or not. but the mental image of him being in the thick of the activities... coupled with the fact that he was so hasty in wanting to go, that he did not keep in contact during the whole period, in another words, that i totally did not feature nor was considered in his life made me felt so terribly hurt and scarred.

it's been four days since he returned and i am still reeling from it. 

i think it will continue to haunt me for a long time to come.

the truth

some times, you really don't want to know the truth. for example, till now, i still wonder whether he actually called me when he disappeared last week. he said he tried to call me when he was overseas but i didn't believe him. i know he lied for my telco would send me a message if there was any unsuccessful connections, and when he was there, there was none. but i decided to give him the benefit of doubt.

and  now that things are a little less emotional, i have asked myself if i should ask him again. i would very much like him to come clean with me. at least it would give him back some credibility. but then again, what good will it do to me even if i know. what if the answer is "yes"? what if the answer is "no"? either way, it will do me no good. there will always be this element of doubt and there will also be this belief that he lied. and all things being equal, even if he did, he did not put in enough effort to get to me. bottom-line, the trust i have in him has been dented. 

i should just stop wondering and not know the truth, and just focus on rebuilding the trust. it will take time i supposed and he needs to play his part.

i can forgive, but it is very very difficult to forget.

honesty is the best policy

i was at my cubicle yesterday composing myself before my program starts and took up a book to browse through. i came across this phrase... 

"if you always tell the truth, 

you won't have to remember what you said"

it resonated with me totally. i cannot really describe the feeling and i could probably draw a parallel to what people would call an "aha moment" - the moment when everything seemed to make sense and all pieces fall into place. for me, this moment hit me in part becos of my current state of mind, and in part becos it reminded me of the times when i was interrogated by the military security department some 9 years back for being gay. that was what i reminded myself of throughout the interrogation process. i will be honest. and i will have nothing to fear if i were honest. they cannot threaten me with any lie detector tests etc.

so... yeah, i decided to post it in my facebook and to also capture it here.

:-)

ps: i googled it last evening and understood that the phrase was coined by mark twain...

part of me died

i am venting. i need the space to just write and vent.

i must admit, i have been in a state where i am angry and still pouting. in fact, i don't think i have been more angry with him in our 9-years together. i felt he has gone way too far this time round. i still cannot accept that fact that when he was overseas, he did not call back and neither did he switch on his phone. i still cannot accept the fact that such actions come from him. this was the longest time in our 9-years together where we did not contact each other. where was the considerations for me when he was overseas? didn't he think i would be worried?

for me personally, regardless of where i go, i will make sure i tell him and to keep in contact with him. so i totally cannot comprehend his actions. yes, he kept telling me that he was there for work and nothing else. i can accept that although i find it hard to believe. his actions did not commensurate with claims. to me, there was only so much time where work occurs. other than time, when one is overseas, the only other things that can happen is sleep and have fun. and coupled with this highest degree of secrecy and not telling me who he went with, where he went to and his departure/ arrival dates/ times, i cannot help but feel totally anxious, jealous, angry, etc. am i wrong to feel this way? i don't think so. and why am i feeling this way? i reflected and i can only say this - he matters to me. and becos he matters to me, the following can explain some of the emotions that i felt...

sleep & emotional well-being

i was finally able to sleep without the hassle of the restless arms last night. nonetheless, i continue to wake up several times through the night. somehow, this has become a constant feature of my nightly rests. this reminded me of a conversation i had with the chinese tui na (traditional chinese massage) lady when i visited for a massage some time back.

when i told her i have the issue of waking up in the middle of the night, she asked me for the exact time of the night that i wake up. and when i told her that it is about 2-3am and again at about 5am, she immediately asked if i have any issues with my liver and my lungs. kinda interesting how she zoomed into these organs just by knowing the time of the interruption of the sleep cycle. anyway, she explained that the body goes through a routine "maintenance" cycle nightly and specific areas are focused on at different hours of the night. so that times that i wake up generally would allow them to diagnose the possible organs that likely need attention. i cannot say i don't believe her for after all, traditional chinese medicine has been around for thousands of years and for it to continue to exist in this day and age, there must be some truth in the practice. anyway, i did a quick google of the topic and this was what i found.

kinda interesting. follow the link and it suggests further that the different organs are also linked to a person's emotional state of health. for example, for a person to constantly wake up at 1-3am (liver), the person would likely be experiencing anger and frustrations. on the same token, for a person to wake up between 3-5am (lungs), the person would likely be experiencing sadness and grief. reflecting, there seemed to be a very good correlation when i sense-make this with my current state of health and if i may say, the frustrations, anger and pent up emotions with bee and his travel last week. then again, how true this is, i am not sure.

whatever it is, one thing is for sure... 

i need to learn to relax. 

red sky

i had trouble sleeping again last night. and when i eventually did, the sleep was interrupted by a weird dream. 

it was dark and i could feel a lot of tensions. there was a lot of background noise. and amidst the noise, i could hear myself shouting and scolding people. i was angry, i was tensed, and i was feeling very pent up. and it wasn't very clear who my anger was directed at. bee? i donno, there was nothing in the scene. then the sky brighten. the scene was rather surreal. there was absolute emptiness other than a sky filled with cirrus clouds - clouds that exist very high in the atmosphere. there was some sort of weird striated patterns in the clouds. the striations seemed to extend perpendicularly from my point of view and extended towards the horizon that was coloured somewhat between deep orange and red, not much different from a poster depicting dawn (or dusk). yet, everything was still. empty. and my tensions continue and i continued hearing my voice scolding. i sounded freaking angry. but the me in the dream wasn't scolding anyone. i was simply standing there... 

then i woke up. heart beating furiously.

it was a long while more before i fell asleep again. 

"pull back your foreskin"

i have always expected awkward moments whenever i visit the urologist. after all, the consultation would sometimes involve talking about our private parts. and this was what happened today...

my appointment was supposed to be at 4.20pm but i arrived early at about 2.30pm. the doctor was kind enough to let me see him first and after explaining about the condition, he said i would need to undergo some further scans, as well as a urine test to confirm his assessments. he asked me to wait outside his consultation room while he prepares the documents. not long after, a female nurse emerged from the room. she was holding a pack of gauze, a pack of disinfectant and 2 containers for me to store my urine. 

and this was how she explained to me:

oh hi sir, i will need you to collect your urine sample in these containers ya. and before you do that, you must clean your private parts first (she showed me the gauze and the disinfectant as she said that. and hmmm, i thought i noted her voice getting a little softer when she mentioned "private parts"). and if you are not circumcised, you will need to pull back your foreskin, wet the gauze and clean the head properly too ya? and once you've done that, you can then proceed to collect your urine sample. you will need to let the initial stream go and collect only the mid-stream urine ok? you can shoot into one container and pour half into the other container, no need to shoot into both container ya...

yup, that was how the nurse explained the whole process to me. of cos, it sounded clinical enough and i did not feel awkward at all. but on the other hand, i felt awkward for her to be going into these details with me in the midst of other patients. and this feeling was further accentuated by the fact that she's young, probably in her early-20s and looked like a school girl, and that she's malay. so...

heh...

girl or boy?

i want to write about how mum and my current maid communicate with one another.

one of the factor i look for when i hire maids was language competencies. i needed the maid to be able to communicate with mum. and this maid that i eventually hired knows a little english. not much, but enough to get by with an elderly woman. so english became the language through which they communicate with one another. now, the interesting thing is that both the maid and mum's english are bad (very bad, to be exact) and often they ended up saying things that confuses each other. it has happened a few times before and it happened again today...

what happened today was... i came home and saw mum watching the tv and i sat beside her and chatted with her. and mum said the maid has been laughing at her whole day. and she naturally wondered why. to me, i was quick to conclude that her paranoia was acting up and tried to explain to her that the maid meant no harm. i later found out why the maid laughed and knowing the context, even i myself laughed out loud! here's how the conversation went:

context:  mum was very keen to know more about the maid's family and had been asking questions about her mum, her siblings and whether she has children... 

maid: "i got one son"

mum: "orhh, your son... girl or boy?"

maid: !!!

mum: ???

maid (lol!)...

well, the maid didn't know how to respond and started giggling. added to the fact that the maid's english was not exactly good, she didn't know how to tell mum about the mistake. and so, whenever she thought of the question, she would simply laugh out loud! but mum was totally lost as to why she was laughing...

diamonds again

did my x-ray and saw the urologist this afternoon. and from the the x-ray, it suggests presence of stones in both kidneys! i find this quite disturbing. but the consolation this time round was that the stones are a little smaller than the last occurrence. about 4.5mm compared to 5.5mm previously.

the urologist mentioned that for stones this size, they will naturally be discharged by the body in about 50-60% of cases. and for those that remained in the kidneys, further procedures including invasive ones such as an operation might have to be used to remove them.

so in my situation, the urologist advised me to adopt a wait and see approach. and in the meantime, drink lots of water and to try to get the stones to leave the body naturally. he has scheduled me for a ct scan in about 3 weeks time and if by then, the stones are still there, then we will need to talk further.

tsk tsk tsk...

medication

i am currently on the following medication - a cough mixture, a mixture/ emulsion to control my reflux and tablets to control my runny nose, my nasal back flow, stomach wind, gastric prevention, antibiotic, and a muscle relaxant... when i put them altogether, the number of tablets are quite similar to the number of tablets i give mum every morning!

heh...

forgetting my medication

i will be heading to the hospital later on to do a kidney x-ray and to see the urologist.  and to prepare myself for the x-ray, i was supposed to take some medication for 2 nights before the procedure itself. thing is, i forgot about it and only remembered to take it last night. let's hope the x-ray can proceed...

haiz...

71.0kg

that was what i weigh today. the machine flipped between 70.9 and 71.0 for a long while before stabilising at 71.0kg. hmmm, maybe if i had removed my bunch of keys and my clothes i would probably be about 70.5kg? anyway, i got it measured when i visited the mental health institute to collect some medication for my mum. then again, my weight had been oscillating between mid-71 to mid-74kg. but yeah, to be able to hit 71.0kg is by itself an achievement for me. let's see if i can reduce it to sub-70 in the days to come.

清明 2014

went to the columbarium with my brothers' family to pay respects to my dad and grandparents as part of 清明 2014 on sunday.

this years trip was a really difficult one for me. was not feeling well due to my cough and blocked nose and didn't get enough sleep the night before. and mum had been going non-stop about having to buy this and buy that for the prayers since friday. but that is my mum. she gets superbly anxious when it comes to going temples and columbarium. and that was how she behaved when i took her to the market sunday morning. she was going over the shopping list in her mind. you need to get joss sticks, joss papers, a box of offerings, and huat kueh, and oranges, and... she went on and on and on non-stop despite me telling her that my brother had gotten everything needed. even then, she insisted that i should get some of the items cos the offering was from me and not my brother.

i came home from breakfast feeling drained and uncomfortable and collapsed into my bed. it was about 1pm before i finally dragged myself up and head to my brother's place. we finally went to pay our respects in the evening around 6pm. by then, the place was quiet and most families had left. i always find visiting the cemetery in the evening around dusk to be very therapeutic. it was peaceful and quiet. i remembered once before where i went to the cemetery at night just to relax and calm myself down. that was a long time back, most of the tombstones at the cemetery had been removed and the bodies exhumed.

and that was how we observed 清明 2014.

mc

second day of my mc and am having my breakfast at the hawker center.

mind was disturbed and didn't sleep well. tossed and turned through the night in part due to frequent bouts of violent cough, and made worst by my restless arms. it was almost impossible to fall asleep.

woke up this morning, still feeling pissed off. need to remind myself to look at things from the positive angle and that things will improve going ahead.

frustrating

i get superbly frustrated with mum very often these days. you see, i am a person who needs my exercise and whenever i don't exercise, i will get lethargic and once that sets in, my health will go downhill. that had been the case since her paranoid behaviour got worst. 

as a routine, i would head out for some exercise after the evening tv series when she retires to bed. but these days, whenever i mentioned about going for a run, she would refuse to head to bed. she will insist on watching the tv until i return. and i cannot afford to let her do that cos whenever she sleeps late, i will get all sorts of emo tantrums the following day. so, to a large extend, i decided against running out of my own interest. need to preserve her sanity, and mine too.

i akin this to a difficult choice between the devil and the deep blue sea. if i head out for my exercise, i get hell the next day, and if i don't, i will fall sick. and i dare say my recent non-stop sickness was in part due to her refusal to sleep. regardless of options, i will end up suffering. how?

hmmm...

foul mood

been in foul mood over the past couple of days. everything seemed to be heading the wrong way. also, i had been rather impatient with people around me too. i had to restrain myself from snapping at mum whenever she repeats the same reminders and comments. it wasn't easy at all. and amidst all these, my stupid nose was constantly choked with mucus, and my throat was constantly irritable due to back flow and a couple of times, reflux. and becos of my irritable throat, i coughed almost non-stop and the cough was violent to the point where my chest hurt like crazy. 

i went to office this morning feeling a little groggy given my lack of sleep and proper rest. i had to conduct a briefing to my china office staff and i told myself i would be ok once the briefing starts. but that was not the case. i lost my voice towards the end of my briefing. and my cough worsened by mid-day. that was when i decided to pay the doctor a second visit. this time round, i was told to rest and was given 2 days of mc. but i could not head home as i didn't want mum to get suspicious. and so i headed to the pool to waste some time before heading to town for my chiro appointment. well, that ended early too and i ended up driving around aimlessly until about 5-plus before heading home.

that was my very uneventful, aimless and rather frustrating day.

going mad

i was on the verge of depression and was beginning to harbour suicidal thoughts.

disappeared

he has once again disappeared.

and now, he refused to tell me where he has gone to except that he is organising an event overseas and that he needed the money. and then i got a message telling me he was at the airport and that was it. he remains uncontactable and despite messaging him and calling him, there was no reply. the phone remains switched off. the anxiety is killing me.

superficially, i can simply accept what he said, about going overseas to organise an event. but that cannot be the reasons for hiding details of where he is, when will he be back, and for that matter, does not justify for the switching off of the phone and remaining uncontactable. and i am so tired to trying to justify for him why he was not contactable. have been having sleepless nights. hope he is safe. at this rate of things, and with my current state of health, i will go crazy. i need to keep myself sane. have decided to stop contacting him anymore. will talk when he is ready. 

wtf...

bad habits

i have a very bad habit.

i fall sick on friday evenings and get well by sundays.

picture from www.foodsafetynews.com

"anniversary"

read the online channelnewsasia (cna) and felt very disturbed to see them use the phrase "one-month anniversary".  how could a reputable regional news agency commit such a glaring mistake? anyway, i was perturbed enough to write in to the editor. thankfully (and professionally), they corrected it within a few minutes after i wrote in. i supposed their writer is also a young person who is careless with her english. but then again, this is no excuse for bad english.

happiness

was reading the papers on monday morning and came across this article. if what was written in the article is true, then i will be getting happier as time passes. 

heh...

dreams

have had two mum-related weird dreams over the week. i cannot really remember the second dream except that conceptually it was similar. here's how the first dream went.

i was sleeping...

and i heard someone (cannot recall if it was a female or a male's voice) telling me "mum cannot wake up". there was a slight hint of panic in the person's voice. i got out of bed and walked over to mum and tried waking her up. she was non-responsive.

and i woke up.

running a fever

think i've gotten the bug from my nephew.

having a bad throat, lost my voice yesterday, took a day's mc and am feverish today.

just taken lots of pills and cough mixture. gonna sleep early.

if only...

haiz, never mind.

it's the weekend.

spoiling the market

went to the marine terrace hawker center and ordered a bowl of noodle for breakfast. took my seat and the noodle was served in no time. i gave the guy a s$50 note as i did not have any small notes and he quickly came back with my change. just as he handed me the change, an elderly lady came up to me and asked if i could buy her a bowl of noodles. for that very short moment, i didn't know how to respond. i didn't know if she was referring to my bowl of noodles or if she wanted to buy a bowl of noodle but didn't have the means. i got my answer very quickly when her open palms reached out to me.

local sub-cultures

an aimless rant.

singapore is a very small island city state. we are about 700sqkm, smaller than most counties in the states and we have close to 6million people on the island. given such a small space (hence high density), one would have expected a good and evenly spread of race and hence a more homogenous "singaporean culture" right? but in reality, this is not the case. the island state has distinctly different sub-culture all over the island and this could probably be attributed to our early history where people of different races congregated at different areas.

for example, in the east around the marine parade-siglap area, historically, there were more peranakan and till today, the whole atmosphere here remains very peranakan-centric. and just a few kilometers away, we have geylang serai-eunos area that is distinctly malay as the area hosted many malay kampongs and were home to many local malays years ago. and as we move around the island, we can see, feel and hear distinct differences in sub-cultures...

the governments' efforts to create a more homogenous spread of race through its race distribution in public housing policies seemed to have minimal impact on this. but will this slowly erode in the coming years as the full impact of the different policies (education, language, population spread, etc) that was implemented in the 80s through the 90s come into effect?

it would be a terrible thing if we lose this altogether cos our national identity is build on these local sub-cultures and once they go...

aunties @ hawker center

had my breakfast at the marine parade hawker center, the place where i spend most of my childhood/ early adult life. and at 8am in the morning, the place was filled with aunties chatting away. it was a really warm and nostalgic experience for me.

seated on my table were 2 aunties, both probably in their 70s. one of them a nonya (straits-born chinese, just like my mum) and the other, a chinese. what was really interesting, apart from the conversation that revolved around the daily mundane topics of marketing, what's nice at the hawker center, etc, was the fact that one spoke in chinese-accented malay and the other peranakan malay mixed with malay-accented hokkien (a chinese dialect).

and as they chatted, their friends walked by, greetings were exchanged and little gossips made. it felt so warm to hear the mishmash of different accents coming together. it really reminded me of my younger days.

i decided to take my time to eat my bowl of noodles as a savour in the whole atmosphere of local culture, something that we will be losing very soon as the younger generation generally converse in english now.

blaming others

brought mum to the hospital for her check-up two days ago. in front of me sat two strangers - a lady in her late-50s and a guy who was probably in his mid-40s. the guy has just finished the consultation and was waiting for the nurse to pass some documents to him. the lady then started a conversation with the guy and they spoke loudly...

racial harmony

had been visiting my nephew at the hospital and it was interesting.

in the ward, there are 3 kids - one chinese (my nephew), one malay and one indian. and judging by their accent, despite the use of their respective ethnic language, i conclude they are singaporeans. and interestingly, the families were was using their own language and singing their own cultural songs/ lullabies (less me as i was "rock-a-by-baby"ing and "row-row-row-your-boat"ing away) and all were happily chatting away. and once a while, glances across the beds were made and nods were exchanged. but all were oblivious of the uniqueness of what was happening - harmony amidst race diversity.

things that we take for granted.

but that's singapore for me!

coming out to vic

and i finally came out to vic yesterday.

about facebook

with the explosion of friend requests coming in, some thoughts came to mind...

hasn't facebook devalue the whole concept of "friend"? i mean, when i was younger (a lot younger), it was quite fashionable to categorise people into acquaintances, friends, close friends, etc... and often, such conversation would become very heated as different people had different ways of categorising people. but these days, with facebook, all these different categories became irrelevant. every other person can request to be your "friend". 

of cos we can take this whole friend-thing superficially. but on the other hand, it totally puts some relationships (or at least, the words we used to frame the relationship) upside wrong, and inside out. for example, we can have our parents, siblings, spouse etc as "friends" now. and we need to friend them before we can categorise them as "father", "mother", "brother", "sister", etc. how much more wrong can that be?

i am rattling again...

hahaha...

facebook friends

i have been getting lots of facebook friend requests lately. just last week, i had close to 20 such requests and all of them were/ are from the military. hmmm... frankly, i had deleted my previous account in part, becos i wanted to cut off everything about the military from me. and i had been successful with my current facebook account until lately. i had set the visibility of my account to "friends of friends" and guess the account have come to a tipping point where my profile would appear frequently in many of my ex-colleagues due to the number of common friends we have. and at the rate the friend requests are coming in, i think my current profile might just become another account where i want to avoid... again...

haha...

wind rising

went to watch the show "wind rising" last night with bee. i went in on a wrong footing for i did not expect to watch a serious show. admittedly, i walked in half-expecting something more light-hearted and to the likes of spirited away or ponyo and walked out feeling very drained and disappointed. the show was too heavy for me. and it didn't help that i had had a bad headache the whole evening and didn't sleep well the night before.

but of cos, when i said i didn't enjoy the show, it was not so much because the show was bad. conversely, the whole production and animation was really beautifully done and i was wowed by many scenes. there were also occasions where i was reminded of tokyo's history, and it was interesting to watch the story of pre-ww ii tokyo unfolding, and told from the perspective of a japanese aeronautical engineer. so... yeah, the show deserves all the nominations and awards it won and the reputation of being the highest grossing film in japan in 2013. two thumbs up to hayao miyazaki.

:-)

suspicious mum

mum had displayed typical behaviour consistent with that of a person with anxiety, and paranoia. 

last evening, i told her i will be heading off for a midnight movie and left the house after she retired to bed. the movie ended at 2.20am and i arrived home at 2.45am to find her sitting in the living room sofa waiting for me. once i entered the house, she demanded to know why i came home so late, to which i explained that the show ended at 2-plus. next thing i knew, she said something to the likes of "don't bluff me, since when midnight shows end so late..." she never finished the sentence, but i could only guess it would end like "who were you with and where did you go to?" i didn't try to sound defensive but simply explain to her again that the show ended late and left her by herself as i retired to bed.

i half-expected her to be in her moods this morning and did not sleep well. i woke up this morning at about 7am and upon checking my phone, i saw 7 missed calls from her. the first call was at 4.07am and the last call at 5.38am. i jumped out of bed and rushed to the living room, just to find her watching tv quietly with the maid. the poor maid, who had kept awake with mum looked like a zombie! hahah... ok, that's beside the point... mum was watching tv quietly and when she saw me, she didn't say anything. i simply walked up to her and asked if there's anything she wanted as she had called my 7 times. she expressed surprise with the missed calls and said it was probably due to her sitting onto her phone. well, i didn't pursue further... i simply sat beside her chatted with her just like nothing had happened at all.  

thinking about it, if things continue at this rate, there is no way i could get to go out at all very soon! but let's see how la... that is how things have been. and as i have mentioned before, i have always been living on tenterhooks these days. 

it's sunday, and it's supposed to be a rest day!

cheerful mum

mum was very cheerful last two days. she was even ok when i told her my nephew was hospitalised. but of cos, i didn't tell her the extent of the illness and simply told her that he has had fever. and as to be expected, the "i-told-you-so" and "i-know-best" responses came fast and quick.

see lah! i told the mother (my sis-in-law) that she must give him a lot of water. i am sure she did not. that's why he got fever. growing children must drink lots of water and i know best cos i brought all of you up.

aiyah... little kids will definitely have fever especially when they are teething. for the little boy, i am sure it is becos his molar teeth are breaking out. his mother should have given him lots of water. for this kinda cases, why need to send to hospital? just give him water and he should be ok.

how come must hospitalise for fever? when you were young, i never need to do so. even when your father didn't help me, i was able to bring up you and your siblings... nowadays, with only 2 kids, she cannot even manage...

yup, that was the kind of responses of my mum. i just let her go on and on and on about it. if there is one thing i have learned, it was - never retort an elderly, or for that matter, point out that they are wrong, even if they are. it is always better to use questioning techniques to guide them and to slowly make them realise their own mistakes.

so... my mum continued her cheerful self through the whole of the last two days.

sick nephew

friday afternoon, i decided to take the afternoon off and self-indulge a little. i made an appointment for a facial at 3pm and decided to go for a short tan at the pool during lunch. and as to be expected, there were many tanners when i arrived. most were regulars but there were a couple of new faces. and despite the distance between the "newbies" and the more regular tanners, i could sense the tensions that resulted from roving eyes. haha... but that was not the focus of this post. i had just gotten myself comfortable into my tanning deck with a text came in. 

restful week

this week had been a very restful week. 

technically, i worked only 1.5days this week while the rest of the week was either spend on leave, going for medical appointments and/ or discussions. but of cos, this was not inclusive of the many hours that i spend doing my work at home. and i was not the only one who felt this way. interestingly, when i arrived in office on monday, it felt kinda weird. even my staff felt so. and we realised we had both been away from our cubicle for so long that we almost forgot how it felt to be sitting in the cubicle again.

funny right? haha... i had this funny comment from my department colleague who said it had been a long long while since my staff and i could properly sit down for lunch with them! and for that matter, even some of my colleagues from the other departments came over to me and asked me where had i been for the recent past! heh heh... been a while. and certainly, this week was indeed restful and a good time for me to catch up with myself. and reflecting, feb and mar was probably two of the most hectic months in recent memory.

i am glad i made it!

:-)

my interesting boss

i always thought my boss was a really wonderful person. not only did she give me total flexibility to do what i needed to do but she also made it a point to give me the prerogative to manage my priorities between home and work without the need to consult her. but of cos, to have someone so nice seemed a little unnatural and i secretly maintain my reservations about her. nonetheless, what happened today totally took me a little off guard. and i really wonder what she was trying to tell me...

"i am gay"

received a text from an unknown number yesterday and thought it was a wrongly send text. but no, it turned out to be from someone whom i had known since 1994.

he was a national service soldier (either private or lance corporal) in my unit and i was a regular servicemen (a major). but we got along very well off work and kept in contact even after he left service (and i had left the unit) to attend my staff college. we continued the friendship and he was comfortable enough to invite me to his place quite a few times.

our friendship lasted more than a decade although we spoke less in later years and i lost contact with him after i changed my phone some years back. so you could imagine how very pleasantly surprised i was to get the message. and we spoke like we've never lost contact. he now has 3 kids and is in his second marriage. and this was roughly how the conversation started once the clarification of identity was done...

have i ever told you i am gay?

i know it all along and i am cool with it. i have many gay friends too.

well, with that squared off, the whole conversation became very easy cos gay man like me tend to be more relax and at times flirt a little with straight man. but of cos, it was a light-hearted conversation and it felt really good to be able to just talk like good friends and tease each other without fear of homophobia.

it's nice to reconnect again!

:-)

on leave

taken leave these two days to attend to my medical issues as well as to have some "me"-time. 

and suddenly, i feel kinda lost. haha... guess i've been so caught up with work and mum in recent months/ years that i have kinda lost touch with other things. or perhaps, i have been so detached from what most people would frame as "exciting" or "interesting" that i no longer find them so. is this what buddhists framed as "non-attachment" or is this a total lost in interest? well, that answer is perhaps only known to me, if i take the effort to look inwards. whatever the case, doing nothing and perhaps going to the pool to just chill would also be considered a good way to catch up with myself. i am sure it would do good to me psychologically/ mentally. 

and despite taking leave, i still observe the routines of leaving home at 7.30am as per normal work days. and on the same token, i would return home at 6-6.30pm. i certainly don't want mum to get anxious over this little change in routines. there was once when i took leave and told her about it in the morning, she decided against heading to the rehab center. i learned from my sis later that she did so becos she was convinced i took leave to meet bad people. no logic but to a person with paranoia, i can understand. logistics-wise, i do pack some off-work attire (pt attire, casual, etc) in my bag when i leave home. and of cos, i will change back to my work attire before i return home in the evening.

hmmm, sounds like superman huh? 

haha!

nasal cavity scope

i had my nasal cavity scope done this morning. 

frankly, i didn't expect to do it so soon. i thought the appointment was to see the ent specialist, but next thing i knew, i was called into a room that looked like a dentist's consultation room. was made to sit on a chair and the doctor asked me about my family's medical history...

any member of your family has cancer?  yup, my dad

where was the cancer? liver

any of your family has asthma? yes, my brother, and i

and so on...

and then he explained to me what he would be doing. frankly, i was familiar with it cos i had my nasal cavity scope done some 5-6 years back when i was about to leave service. next thing i knew, he sprayed some numbing agent into my nostril. i felt it enter my nasal cavity and ewww, it tasted bitter. and then he did the scope. i didn't want to watch him do it and closed my eyes throughout the procedure. heh heh... this was such a contrast to the last time i did cos i was curious and observe the doctor through the whole process. thinking about it, i realised as i get older, i tend to be a little more apprehensive about medical treatments...

anyway, the procedure was over in no time and he told me there was no growth nor anything that would suggest nose cancer. nonetheless, he would still need me to go through a skin allergy test in a months time... and with this, he issued me a day's rest at home and i left the clinic. i was glad for the mc cos i sneezed quite a bit and my nose was superbly runny for a long while after that. 

it was an interesting day.

blood again

thought it is useful to document the number of times i experience blood in my urine so that i can have a good idea of the number of occasions it happened when i go to the hospital mid-apr. and so, am gonna use this blog to capture and record the instances of bloodied urine. and if you are uncomfortable with it, please read no more... :-)

it happened this afternoon. felt my lower back aching quite badly. and then about 4-ish, it happened. and it continued a couple of times until about 7pm when it cleared. well, that seemed to be the pattern - backache followed by bloodied urine. this is the 4-5 times since mid-mar, first occasion, if i recall correctly, was 18 mar 14. and it occurred in the hotel on the eve of my training in china.

no cancer

just done my nasal cavity scope at the hospital.

confirmed now growth/ cancer. been asked to continue to administer my nasal spray, rest my throat and to take medication to control possible reflux. have been scheduled for allergy test next month.

one issue cleared for now. next, my kidney/ urology issue.

:-)

hastened appointment

called the hospital appointment centre and got the urology appointment (that was scheduled end-jun 14) brought forward to mid-apr 14, that is, 2 weeks' time. the doctor also advised that should the condition worsen further during this period, i should pay a visit to the a&e straight away.

:-)