going mad

i was on the verge of depression and was beginning to harbour suicidal thoughts.

the anxiety of not being able to know where he was was such a torture. had not have proper sleep past few nights, waking up almost every hour to check my phone and/ or to call him. all these made worst by the bad throat and fever that did not improve despite the visit to the doctor on thursday. a lot of thoughts came through my mind during the past few days. what if he had met with an accident? given his current challenges at home, what if he had agreed to do something illegal and got caught? or worst still, got killed? it would be least of my concern if he was enjoying himself with someone else. at least he would be alive. but why did he not call? was he shutting me out? all these thoughts continued to haunt me through the weekend. i had nightmares during the short period when i fell asleep, just to wake up and find myself in cold sweats.

i was so happy when today came. he should be back. i had suspected him of being in bangkok for the songkran. and i checked the flight arrival schedule from bkk to sin the whole day. non-stop. one flight after another, i would call his number once the smart phone app reflect a particular flight had landed. the last couple of times he visited bangkok, he would arrive at 2-plus in the afternoon. but not today, i continued calling, yet his phone remained switched off. the whole routine of checking the app and calling him repeated non-stop through the day. i almost broke down by late afternoon. he remained uncontactable. his phone remained switched off. what happened to the person who said would want to be with me for life? what happened to the person who said would look after me (and me him) as we grow old together. i also ask myself whether his shutting off his phone was an indication of his desire to call off this 9-year relationship. and if that was the case, whether i should save him the trouble and initiate this break-up. then again, i asked - where is the trust when he could not even tell me where he was heading to? where is the trust when he could not even tell me the flight number, the date/ time of departure and arrival? these are the details i would consciously share with him whenever i travel. and i do so to ensure he will not worry about my safety and well-being when i go overseas. and i do expect him to do the same. all these went through my mind through the day. the more i thought about it, the more depressed i got and i started having suicidal thoughts.

with a dead phone and no where to go, i decided to head home. i told myself i needed to put a cheerful front in front of my mum. amidst all these, my sickness got worst and i visited the doctor again. my medications was changed and i was given 2 days to rest at home. yet i couldn't rest. my mind was too disturbed. and i could not head home early for i could not afford to make mum worry. i was driving mum to her routine evening shopping trip when a message came in - i am back in singapore. for the very moment, i felt totally overwhelmed. i was so relieved. my eyes got wet, my hands trembled, i felt happy, angry, exhausted... all at the same time.

he is safe.