Hazy Skies (again)

The haze in Singapore has gone into the unhealthy range again. Certainly reminds me of the super hazy period back in 2015… although I must qualify - the 2015 haze was another league altogether! But frankly, apart from the smog and the light burning smell, I thought the skies look somewhat nice. The orange sun, the blurry buildings in the distance… it almost look like a cold misty winter morning! Heh heh… no, I’m no delusional. It’s just that since I can’t control the haze, I might as well make the best out of it, even as I take precautionary measures for my health. 

Right?

Grateful: Exhausted

I slept at 9-ish last night and woke up at 9-ish today. When I woke up, my whole body felt so wasted and my back threatened to give way. I didn’t actually get out of bed until almost noon! 

You see, I woke up at 5 last morning, had a quick breakfast, and then headed to town where I conducted a full day of stand-up training. After training, I headed to my aunt’s place to help with the end-of-7th-month prayers. I couldn’t even kneel properly to plant the joss sticks along the walkway. I was just too tired, and my whole body had stiffened up. The exhaustion really took its toll on me, and by the time I reached home, I literally just collapsed onto my bed after a nice cold shower! 

I’ve never felt so exhausted before. Was it a culmination of physical and mental stress, exacerbated by age? Idk. I just know I was exhausted. And for sure, the heat and humidity totally didn’t help! I slept deeply, and I’m glad I’m all good again after a good, slow day!

Still, I’m grateful for a day well spent: successfully delivering a new and highly challenging module; having an engaging and participative class; the chicken essence with cordyceps and ginseng tea that kept me going through the day; the opportunity to catch up with my elderly aunt and uncle; a nice cold shower; and, finally, a good night’s sleep!

Missing Intimacy

I don't even know where to start with this post. I want to talk about sex - or no, perhaps I want to talk about my libido. Or maybe it isn't really about either of those things. I don't know. I can't quite figure out where to begin. 

I met up with a friend for dinner earlier, and he went on at length about his escapades and adventures at some rather popular local gay haunts. I listened to him and genuinely appreciated him sharing his stories with me. I could relate to much of what he shared because I've had my own experiences too. But as I listened, I also felt a strange disconnect within myself. Not because there was anything wrong with what he was sharing. I was interested and I listened. But somewhere along the way, I realised that I am simply not quite like that anymore - or at least, not at this point in my life. And perhaps that was what puzzled me.

Over the past couple of months, I have found myself becoming less and less keen to seek gratification outside. Fleeting sex, which I suppose once held a certain appeal, now feels rather empty to me. The idea of heading out to seek it doesn't really excite me anymore. I don't even know why I remain on Grindr, especially when I can barely be bothered to chat with anyone there. Perhaps it doesn't help that there are all the scammers and those single-word messages: "Seek?" Much of the interaction can feel rather superficial and, frankly, tiring. I just don't have the energy for the whole process of chatting, getting to know someone, figuring out whether there is any interest or chemistry, and going through what feels like the whole courtship thing. 

And yet, it isn't that I don't want intimacy. I do. In fact, I think I miss it.

I miss having someone I can relate to. Someone I can talk to. Someone with whom there is both emotional and physical chemistry. Someone I can simply lie in bed with, talk to, hold, and cuddle. I still get horny and all, and I still occasionally watch porn and take care of myself. So perhaps it isn't that I no longer have a libido, or that sex no longer interests me. Maybe I have simply become less interested in sex that leaves me feeling empty. What I want is something deeper. And therein lies the irony. I want intimacy. I miss intimacy. But I am tired of the whole process of trying to find it. I had been partnered for more than 28 years until last year, and this is the first time in my adult life that I have been single for this long. Perhaps that has changed the way I think about what I want - or perhaps what I am willing to invest my time and energy in. 

I don't know.

Maybe I haven't become disengaged from intimacy.

Maybe I just find the search for it exhausting.

And perhaps what I really want is still very simple.

To feel close to someone.

Grateful 2 Weeks: Blessed Busyness

It’s been a while since my last entry. I didn’t feel particularly motivated to write and, to a certain extent, felt a little conflicted about blogging given how busy I had been preparing for and delivering a new programme. There were difficult conversations which I dreaded but managed to have, a lot of research, prep and development for the programme, and my bad back hasn’t healed as quickly as I had wanted it to. Still, the past few weeks came and went, and I thought things went rather smoothly and well. So let me reflect a little and capture the areas that I am grateful for, despite the challenges.

• Delivered a New Programme. I finally delivered part of a new programme. The prep work was intense and took a lot of effort and time, despite having materials provided to me. The thing about being me is that I need to internalise the given materials and be able to incorporate my own experiences to make the learning authentic, real and relatable. The fact that this was my first face-to-face class compounded the challenge of delivery. I was glad that my delivery resonated well with the learners, and thankful that all the efforts paid off. The post-training evaluation scores weren’t as good as those from my virtual classes, but they were respectable. Still, the experience gave me good insights into how I can improve myself for future runs. There are so many things that I have learned and, equally, so many things that I am thankful for.

• Difficult Conversations. I personally do not like difficult conversations, especially when they involve people with authority, even if that authority is now in the past. I was faced with one such conversation 2 weeks ago. Without giving too much context given the sensitivity of the issue, the conversation had me walking a tightrope, balancing professional integrity with maintaining a respectful relationship. I used AI to give me different perspectives and alternatives on how I could approach the conversation. I thought the conversation went well and that, in the end, I was able to diplomatically and courteously turn down a request - one that could compromise my professional integrity. More importantly, I learned from the episode. I am thankful for the lessons, for AI, and for the people I spoke with for counsel.

• Bad Back. Amidst the busyness, my back continued to feel tight and unrelenting, especially when I woke up in the morning. I had to consciously make the decision to lie on my bed and be very intentional and deliberate when transferring my body weight and walking. Recovery was slow, but I am certain that I am heading in the right direction. Age is a bitch, isn’t it? It’s interesting how we push ourselves physically when we are younger and then suffer the effects as we age. Still, it is what it is. Positively, this episode reminded me of the importance of slowing down and taking deliberate rests when the occasion calls for it.

• Stress. The preoccupation with the training prep, the difficult conversations and the bad back elevated my stress levels. As a person who tends to overthink, overprepare and overstretch myself, I naturally went into overdrive as I prep for the training - the researching, adding supplementary content and personal examples, changing activities, thinking through the learners’ abilities and learning styles, and so on. All these things just added to my stress. It showed clearly in my BP and PR - they went up a couple of notches. But I wasn’t too worried about it. Thinking back, I think I managed the situation reasonably well: pacing myself, getting sufficient rest, even when an overactive mind refused to allow me to sleep, and trying to boost my energy with ginseng, chicken essence and the likes. I am thankful for all of these. I also see all the effort as an investment, and hopefully it will pay off in the longer run. With each run, I will learn, refine and improve, and hopefully I won’t need to put in quite so much effort the next time around.

• Mentee & Coachee. This period of busyness was peppered with coaching and mentoring sessions. And as of today, I am superbly pleased to learn that one of my coachees has managed to land a role. The news came as a pleasant surprise, especially since I had coached her for close to 2 years and had seen first-hand how much she had struggled professionally. My mentee has also successfully gone for several interviews and is feeling very positive about how things are panning out for him. At our last meet-up, he said something that made me smile: “Whenever I speak with you, I always walk out feeling very positive and very happy. Thank you so much for mentoring me.” I don’t think I need much more validation than that.

• People. Even when I was so absorbed in my training preparation and delivery, I made it a point to meet up with friends - BG, D, PY, JT and others - for walks, meals and drinks. These meet-ups provided me with the social engagement and mental breaks I needed, and I appreciated their company and the time they made for me.

So, yeah. It’s been a superbly crazy few weeks. But the outcomes and validations I received from the people around me - my learners, coachee and mentee - and feeling their happiness and enthusiasm when they updated me reminded me of what I wanted to do in the first place: to help and support the people. And that is what makes all the busyness worthwhile.

I am blessed indeed.

Grateful Week: Backache

It’s been a crazy week - not because I was busy, but because I had a terrible backache. I’m not too sure whether it was due to all the walking I’ve been doing, poor posture, or perhaps a combination of both. Whatever the cause, it affected my lifestyle and disrupted my routines. I was essentially bedridden for more than 2 days and couldn’t even sit up straight. For those few days, I consciously prioritised rest over work, long walks and meals out. Apart from some lingering soreness and muscle tightness around my waist and left hip, I’m now almost back to normal. This episode reminded me of several things that I’m thankful for. 

• Friends. I’m blessed to have friends who reached out and showed genuine concern. One person in particular stood out. D, who lives in the west, offered to come over to help with my meals, which I politely declined. I’m deeply thankful that he offered his help despite the distance. 

• Food delivery. I’m grateful that such a service exists. It may cost a little more, but at a time like this, the small premium was insignificant compared to the pain and discomfort. And since I was ordering in anyway, I finally tried the McDonald’s National Day Curry Chicken Burger. I enjoyed it and thought it was pretty good. 

• Remote controls. This is something I’ve taken so much for granted until now. When moving around became painful, having remote controls for the lights, fans, aircon, tv and other appliances made life so much more bearable. It’s funny how we hardly notice these little conveniences until we actually need them. 

• Back support. This was a lifesaver. Thankfully, I had a back support tucked away in my storeroom from a previous episode of back pain. It helped me walk, even if it was only a few steps at a time, and was especially useful when I struggled to stand upright. Keeping my back muscles warm helped prevent them from stiffening further, and I’m glad I had it when I needed it.

• … and many more. As I lay in bed over those couple of days, I realised how many other things I had taken for granted - my firm bed, my warm comforter, a hot shower, the internet, good wifi, my mobile phone, and so much more. Every single one of them brought comfort and convenience when I needed them most. It’s amazing how the simplest things often become the most appreciated during moments like these. Deeply grateful for every one of them.

Despite the pain, which affected me for more than half the week, I didn’t want it to stop me from living as normally as I could. It was a conscious decision to leave my apartment, visit places and have meals with friends whenever I was able. Walking, within my limits, helped keep my back muscles warm and, I believe, aided my recovery. This episode also served as a timely reminder to pay closer attention to my health and well-being. They are easy to take for granted until they are compromised. More importantly, it reminded me that even during an inconvenient week, there was still much to be thankful for.

Grateful Weekend: Life Lived!

It’s only been 3 short days and there’ve been so many happenings! Let’s see: 

• Job Offer. I was offered the job and the contract came within a day of the interview! Reflecting on it, it wasn’t much of an interview per se. Rather, it was more like a conversation and I was very much in control. Glad I prepared myself well for it. Happy with the outcome! And of course, I managed to prepare all the necessary documents for them over the weekend! 

• Hello. I was out for my afternoon coffee when I crossed paths with the closeted bi guy again. This time round, he actually looked at me, smiled and nodded his head. I guess it was because his wife and son weren’t with him. Anyway, I nodded back. 

• Ouch. I went on the Bukit Timah–MacRitchie hike today. Along the way, I walked past a group of youngsters - probably in their early 20s. As I passed them, one of them said: “Look at old people, they walk like it’s so easy. But look at us youngsters, like wanna die already…” Such an 一针见血 (literally “one needle and you see blood”) kind of sentence - sayang and kill at the same time… 

• 40k. I’ll be conducting a course over the next 2 days. Gonna be busy and probably won’t be able to hit my daily walking targets. So I increased my walking distance today instead. I should end the day with about 40k steps or around 26 km. I bet I’ll sleep well tonight! 

• Fat. I tried the KFC National Day special - prata, curry, sambal and chicken. It was actually quite good. Will probably try the McDonald’s Curry Burger in the coming week. It’s nice that these fast-food joints come up with local flavours for National Day. The downside for me? I get fat!

• Spontaneous. It’s nice being spontaneous these past couple of days. I wanted to get out of the house and, without any agenda in mind, decided to just take whichever bus that arrived at the bus stop first. So I ended up spending some good time at Jewel at the airport. Lovely to just people-watch and enjoy the surroundings! 

• Public Person. Was at Jewel and saw a political office holder. He looked at me like as though he know me. I just look straight through him and walked on. Never liked to look at public figures like as though they are some weird creatures, much less call out to them. I’m sure they’d like that too.

So yeah, quite a lot has happened in just 3 days. Quite a bit of life lived too - work, admin, training preparation, walks, hikes, meeting friends, and much more. Grateful for everything that unfolded.

Random Rants 2 - Neighbours

Let me continue to capture some additional thoughts: 

• Closeted Bi? Two months ago, I noticed a guy - probably in his late-40s, tall, handsome and very friendly-looking. He lived in one of the blocks of flats that I'd pass by whenever I head out for my meals. From what I observed over time, he is married and has a teenage son. I couldn't help but notice how he would occasionally steal looks at me whenever we crossed paths. More than once, he would throw a smile my way - that kind of discreet, almost secret smile - especially if his wife was beside him. Lately though, he seems to avoid me and would sometimes change direction whenever he sees me. Why is that so? 

• Snake Plants. My next-door ex-ex-neighbour had a pot of 2 aloe vera plants and another 2 pots of snake plants. It was their domestic helper who maintained them and, if I'm being honest, it wasn't particularly well done. They moved out quite a while back and left the plants behind. After they left, I continued watering and pruning them. I think the current neighbours have assumed that the plants belong to me. The snake plants have since grown new shoots and I managed to repot the babies into new pots. I now have 6 pots of snake plants. They are all so pretty. 

• Red Bean Soup. Last week, my next-door neighbour came over and handed me a bowl of red bean soup. "I made this myself and hope you enjoy it." So sweet of him, right? 

• Bloodied Arm. I recently interacted a little more with another neighbour. We had exchanged simple pleasantries whenever we met over the years, but during one of my walks recently, I happened to run into him at the park and noticed he had a bloodied arm. He had tripped over a stone and scraped his arm against the rough path. Since then, whenever we meet, I would ask about his arm and how it was healing. He has since started chatting a little more. Interesting guy. He and his wife (presumably) are probably in their late 40s and are superbly health-conscious. His wife engages a personal trainer and trains several times a week at the car park. 

• Names. I found out yesterday, from my 4th-floor neighbour, that my 8th-floor neighbour is called Mxxxx - same as my mum. Such a coincidence. I've lived in this block for the last 3 decades and I seriously do not know most of my neighbours' names. Thus far, I have only addressed them as “Mr So-and-so” or “Mrs So-and-so”, or simply, "Hi." 

• "..." Look. I have another neighbour who never fails to give me this "..." (that can be either interpreted as "WTF" or "Fxxk You", or, at times, fearful) look whenever we cross paths and she’d walk an additional step away from me. It's almost as though I am a threat or I have offended her somehow. This morning, she stared at me so hard I could practically see the whites of her eyes. I always wonder what it is that makes her react that way. Then again, that's for her to manage. I couldn't be bothered. 

• Creep. And then there's a neighbour whose son (in his late-20s) frequently show up in Grindr. I've seen him grown up over the years and while his family - parents and sis - are always very friendly to me, he has always kept his hostile-looking face whenever we meet. So one day, I sent him a message and said something to the effect of "Hi, it's nice to see you in here.". And his reply - "I don't know you, don't be a creep." How rude!

So yeah, lots of interesting encounters with people around my area. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Part and parcel of life. You do you, and I do me. Life goes on.

Random rants 1 - Colours

Here’re some random stuff, nothing significant, just quick thoughts and occurrences that colour my life:

• One Million. My blog views crossed 1 million last week! Woh! didn't even think this could happen. Anyway, yeah... it did.

• Elderly Auntie. I was doing my exercise topless by the park connector recently. The connector was a shortcut from the bus stop to a housing estate. In the distance, an elderly lady walked towards me. She probably wanted to take a short cut home. She was about 80m away from me when she saw me. Then she stopped, turned around and started running. She turned her head several times and looked in my direction as she ran. I wondered why.

• Merlion-ing. I was in the MRT when people seated around me started vacating their seats and ran (literally - ran) to the next carriage. I noticed a long-haired girl seated two seats away, slumped forward, hair falling and almost touching the floor. The next thing I knew, her wallet and phone dropped. She had some difficulty picking them up and gave up after a few feeble attempts. I slid towards her, picked them up and placed them by her side, then went back to my seat. The next thing I knew, she vomited violently onto the floor (merlioned, as we Singaporeans call it)... ewww. I alighted at the next stop, which was my intended stop, and reported it to the station master. The girl needed help. The train needed cleaning.

• Be Helpful. I told a peer trainer: don't chase for training runs and don't worry about things you cannot control. Instead, be helpful and stay relevant, and most importantly, focus on your delivery when assigned. The opportunities will come. That's how I contributed to the trainer team. My coordinator appreciated my contributions and my learners benefitted. And the opportunities came - not just from the coordinator, but also from fellow trainers who needed help covering for them when they couldn't make it.

• Identity. It's been three years since I left corporate. A new phase in life after 4 decades of working. I realised that my identity had been so tightly intertwined with my working life that it has taken me a lot of effort and time to rewire my identity into that of a freelancer and semi-retired person. It's been an interesting journey - redefining myself, changing the mindset, reframing my thought processes, adjusting to new routines, expectations and lifestyles. But what has kept me going is the constant reminder to focus on what's meaningful to me as a person. In other words, what is my identity as a person, and not as a professional.

• Retirement. A constant thing that people say to me is, "When I retire..." And my question to them is: how do you define "retire"? To me, retirement is not about "stopping work". It is a state of mind. And if I continue working, I work because I want to, not because I need to. Financial freedom. Engagement. Meaning in life. Purpose. And from this perspective, I can still be working, yet retired.

Ok, enough for now. Just some quick rants as I eat my breakfast.

Reflections: 1H2026

I want to use this post to reflect on the first half of 2026.

It was, by and large, a continuation of what had taken shape by the end of 2025. As a whole, there is no strong sense of disruption or change in direction. Life has continued in a steady rhythm - shaped by people, routines, and moments that often appear ordinary on the surface. Truth be told, the intentions set at the beginning of the year were not new beginnings, but a clearer expression of how life was already unfolding. It also sits within a broader transition that started in Dec 2023, where my work and way of living have gradually shifted away from a traditional corporate structure into a more flexible and independent rhythm. Over time, this has felt less like a defined decision and more like a slow reorientation - towards a way of working and contributing that feels more aligned with helping people in a steady and meaningful way. And on this note, let me use the key focus I set out at the start of 2026 to frame this post:

Remain Grounded in Gratitude

Gratitude is most visible through daily reflections and writing. It is also expressed through actions, particularly in how I support people who matter to me and how I commemorate major festivals such as CNY and the Dragon Boat Festival. CNY reunion dinners remained important anchor points - sitting together with friends and family across generations, with conversations moving between updates, familiar topics/ complains/ bitching, and stories that resurface year after year. During Duanwu Jie, making nonya chang was not just a way to remember my mother or honour family traditions, but also a way of sharing something meaningful with people who matter to me. Beyond these, there have been frequent meals with aunts, cousins, extended relatives, and friends. These moments are often simple and unplanned, but carry a similar sense of continuity. Gratitude, in that sense, feels less like a practice and more like a way of noticing and appreciating the people and experiences that quietly shape everyday life. 

Live with Purpose and Compassion

Purpose continues to show up in everyday interactions with people. Much of this happens through conversations with friends, colleagues, and people within my wider circle, where the focus is less on outcomes and more on being present with what they are experiencing. Compassion often takes the form of small and ordinary acts such as helping a crow that had fallen onto the middle of the road, or supporting friends going through difficult periods or health challenges. One moment that stays with me was giving my friend, T, a haircut during his illness. What seemed like a simple gesture became one of his happiest moments in the weeks before he passed away. These experiences serve as reminders that purpose is not always found in grand plans or achievements. Sometimes, it is simply about showing up, paying attention, and walking alongside someone for a while. 

Embrace Vulnerability and Courage

Vulnerability this year has been less about expression and more about staying with what is not immediately resolved. The challenges that began in the second half of last year gradually eased towards the end of June. Despite the difficult moments, I chose to embrace the experience and look for what it could teach me - new perspectives, deeper self-awareness, and, perhaps unexpectedly, new friendships. Within family interactions, friendships, and personal reflection, there are moments where clarity does not come quickly, and I am learning to remain in that space without rushing to close it. This includes recognising that not every relationship evolves in the same direction. There are long-standing friendships that have been important parts of my life, yet differences in values, priorities, and perspectives can gradually create distance. Accepting this has not been easy, but holding on out of sentimentality may create more harm in the long run. Courage, in this context, sometimes means allowing certain relationships to loosen naturally while holding gratitude for what they once meant. Letting go does not diminish their significance; it acknowledges that people grow and change in different ways and at different paces. At the same time, there is a gentle sense that life feels a little more open in how it is experienced. Nothing marked or symbolic, but a subtle easing in how space and time are held, allowing days to unfold with slightly more flexibility.

Nurture Relationships That Matter

Relationships continue to form a steady rhythm across different parts of life - family gatherings, meals with relatives, catch-ups with friends, and ongoing interactions with people who move in and out of my life. What stands out is not intensity, but regular return - the quiet consistency of checking in and showing up over time. Alongside long-standing friendships and family ties, this year has also brought new connections. Some of these friendships have grown naturally through shared experiences and conversations, bringing fresh perspectives and unexpected support. Together, both old and new relationships create a sense of continuity and connection that enriches daily life. 

Deepen Spiritual Practice

My Buddhist practice continues through meditation, classes, and reflection, and remains an important grounding thread in how I experience life. This year’s Vesak Day offered a particularly meaningful opportunity to reflect on impermanence and non-attachment. These teachings, while familiar through practice, felt more immediate in the context of recent experiences, including the passing of my aunt earlier this year and the loss of T. Rather than changing the direction of life, these moments gently reinforced the importance of holding people and experiences with appreciation, without needing to hold on too tightly. Over time, this practice feels less like something separate from life, and more like a way of seeing that continues to shape how I relate to change, relationships, and presence.

Care for My Health and Well-being

Health and well-being have remained less about pursuing specific goals and more about maintaining a sustainable rhythm of life. There have been periods of intense work, balanced by quieter days of rest, walks, family meals, and time simply to recharge. I have also become more aware of listening to my body and recognising when to slow down. Whether it was recovering after demanding training days, making space for solitude, or enjoying simple moments in nature, these have become reminders that well-being is not something to achieve, but something to nurture. I am grateful that this balance has allowed me to remain present for the people around me while continuing to find joy in the ordinary moments of everyday life.

Looking across the last 6 months, what stands out is continuity rather than change - a steady living out of intentions already set in motion. As I move into the second half of 2026, the focus remains on living with greater presence and openness, allowing life to unfold with a little more ease, space, and gratitude.

Grateful 18 - 20 Jun: Tired but Grateful

I am feeling very tired today and did not sleep well last night. I believe it was due to an overactive mind after a day of training preparations. So, I will keep today’s journal brief. 

Firstly, I am grateful for the slower and more relaxed pace of the last 3 days, which allowed me to complete my daily walks, prepare for my training sessions, and spend time with friends. Secondly, I am grateful for the favourable weather, which made it easy to complete my walks comfortably. Lastly, I am grateful for the mindful presence that enabled me to stay focused and complete my preparations. I also managed to help my sis edit a video. It was really gratifying to be able to learn how to do it online!

I end today feeling drained but happy, and celebrated with 2 glasses of merlot and roast meat! I sincerely hope for a restful night’s sleep without insomnia. Even on a day marked by fatigue, I am thankful for the moments of steadiness, connection, and progress that carried me through.

Grateful 8 & 9 Jun: Calmer

Of late, I had felt troubled over some issues, and this was made worse by the Vesak event on Sunday. I was also frustrated by the lack of confirmation for my training, especially since it is only 2 weeks away. Over the last 2 days, I had largely spent time with friends and simply taken things easy through window shopping and going for my walks. As these 2 days come to an end, I find myself feeling much calmer. So, on this note, let me give thanks for: 

• Confirmation of Training. On Sunday night, I decided to send an email to the training company. It was probably the third time I had followed up with them. It was unusual for them not to confirm the engagement so close to the training dates. On my part, I needed time to prepare. And this uncertainty created quite a bit of discomfort for me. I definitely did not want to invest significant time and energy in preparation if I was not eventually scheduled to deliver the programme. This morning, I finally received their confirmation. Although some admin details are still pending, the confirmation at least allows me to begin reviewing my content. I am thankful because it allows me to focus my energy purposefully on the preparation. It also means that I will have some training income next month. 

• Catching Up. I chose not to spend too much time worrying about the training and instead invested my energy in getting out of the house and spending time with friends. After trying to review the content yesterday morning, I decided to stop as it would have been a waste of time if the training was not confirmed. So, I met D for a late lunch yesterday. It was a nice meet up indeed. And last night, PY asked to meet for breakfast today, and I readily agreed. There is no point getting flustered by the lack of confirmation. The energy is better invested meeting up with friends. It was not the food itself that mattered, but the connection. Moments like these are meaningful as time spent with friends is time well spent. I am grateful to both D and PY for making the time to meet up. 

• A Calmer Mind. My mind had been somewhat unsettled lately. I suspect some relationship-related issues that had been weighing on me found their way into my dream. So, I am grateful that I have felt more composed over the past 2 days. Part of this came from making a deliberate decision to set these thoughts aside and not dwell on them excessively. It is not easy, but I am trying and will continue to try. Perhaps this is my way of practising what I wanted to focus on this year: embracing vulnerability with courage while extending some self-compassion to myself. I am grateful for this awareness. 

These 2 days passed by quickly. I feel much calmer now, thanks to friends, a little window shopping, and the confirmation of the training. The uncertainty has lifted somewhat, and I can move forward with greater clarity about how I can plan the days ahead.

I Didn't Belong

I was supposed to volunteer for a Vesak event today, but it didn't materialise. 

I arrived at the venue earlier than the pre-arranged time and a pre-event prayer was in progress. The chant felt soothing, and I respectfully stepped aside to a corner and simply listened. The coordinator wasn't there yet and I decided to take a walk around the venue instead. Many booths had been set up, and many people were busy preparing for the crowd to arrive. 

As I looked around, I felt out of place. I felt I didn't belong. Perhaps it was the Chinese-speaking environment, or perhaps it was because everyone present seemed to belong to an organisation. I waited for about an hour for the co-ordinator but he was no where to be found. I decided to leave and head to Simei for my morning kopi-o-kosong. Over my kopi-o-kosong, I pondered why I felt this way: Had it something to do with my dream last night? Or perhaps I simply did not get enough sleep? Or was it an outcome of some other lingering issues? 

I came home to rest after my kopi-o-kosong. Let's not overthink the reasons behind it.

Super Sad

Last night, I had 2 very disturbing dreams, although I can only recall one of them. 

I was standing outside the grille of a place (perhaps a prison cell? or a home?), and Sapphie, my dog, was inside. For some reason, I didn’t want to show myself because I didn’t want the occupants to know I was there. So I called out to her softly. She didn’t respond, so I moved closer, whistled, and called her name again. This time, she heard me. Her ears twitched, and she turned her head to look in my direction and she started whining. But she didn’t come to the grille because I was hidden from view. 

In that half-asleep state, it hit me suddenly that she had been dead for more than a decade. The blurred line between the dream and reality was very confusing. And, at that moment, I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. I told myself that I needed to remember this dream. 

Then I drifted back to sleep.

RIP

T just passed…

I cannot explain - my phone was on silent for all calls, but my phone notification was activated when the message of his passing came through; I was asleep but woke up and decided to check my phone, the message came in right when I picked up my phone…

RIP my friend…

Grateful 15 Apr: Negative Energies

Today I was once again reminded to focus on what I want and to put negative people and energies aside. This feels like the strongest reminder for me today, and one I want to pause and be genuinely grateful for. There are also a few other things I want to capture.

• Boundaries. I received an unexpected WhatsApp message from someone that carried a very negative tone. The message said I had offered to cut his hair but hadn’t followed through in 2 weeks, and therefore I was not serious. It ended with him saying he would not contact me anymore, and included a remark along the lines of someone else judging me. What surprised me was the tone, not just the content. I had actually been waiting for him to confirm a time. This is also a pattern I’ve seen over the past 2 years - he reaches out, blocks me when unhappy, then comes back again later, and repeats the cycle. I’ve told myself many times that this is just how he is, and I’ve tolerated it. But honestly, it has also been draining over time. Even in something as simple as a haircut, there has been repeated criticism about it being too short, despite me checking in on the length he wanted. When I received his message today, I felt a mix of frustration and clarity. I replied briefly, said I would not continue contact, and blocked him. I think part of me feels relieved, but another part also recognises that I let this continue longer than I should have. There is gratitude, but also honesty - this didn’t suddenly become clear today. I’ve known for a while.

• “Know, just know”. I was also reminded of something a Buddhist nun/teacher once said: “Know, just know.” The idea is simple - not everything needs a reaction. Some things can just be observed and left alone. This came to mind because of a peer trainer I work with who is quite reactive and tends to have an opinion on almost everything, even things that don’t affect her directly. Recently she has been texting a lot about complaints and course issues. I did tell her to focus on what she can control, but she struggled with that. Today she tried to call me, and when I didn’t answer, she asked if I had deliberately rejected her call. That question made me pause. There was a moment where I wondered about how sensitive or reactive that response was. At the same time, I also noticed something else in myself - I felt grateful that I generally don’t operate in that kind of mental space anymore. But I also recognise there is a slight distance forming in how I view people like this.

• Gen AI. Over the last couple of days, I’ve started receiving student submissions and discussion posts as part of my training work. It is quite tedious to go through each submission, and writing individual responses takes a lot of time. I’m grateful for Gen AI here. I use it to draft initial responses, then I review, edit, and add my own professional input so it reflects my voice. It makes the process more efficient, but I’m also aware I still need to stay fully engaged so the responses don’t become mechanical.

Today feels like a day where gratitude is not only about appreciation, but also about honesty. Some of it is clarity, some of it is frustration, some of it is relief. And underneath all of it, I realise I am still learning how to recognise patterns earlier, and act on them sooner, instead of only gaining clarity after I’ve already been stretched by them.

One God

I went for my lunchtime walk and saw this very unique bougainvillea bush - it stood out given that no other bushes were burning blooming. Now, I’m not a Christian, but I can’t help being reminded of the story of Moses and the burning bush. It also brings to mind the command that there is only one God - and if I may, by extension, only one Son. The thought felt particularly fitting when contrasted with a recent photo of someone presenting himself as Jesus Christ.

:-)

Grateful 9 Apr: Farewell dinner

I attended a farewell dinner for my team lead this evening. It was hosted by the regional head, who is based overseas. Not everyone turned up and the evening felt somewhat performative. Nonetheless, I still want to take a moment to reflect on what I am grateful for. 

• My team lead. This dinner was, ultimately, about my team lead. He was the one who brought me into the team last year when I was looking for a role as a freelance trainer. He saw a fit based on my professional experience and gave me the opportunity. I am deeply grateful for the trust and support he extended, and for the opportunities he created for me. At times, he assigned me topics beyond my expertise, simply because he believed I could step up given my breadth of exposure. Because of that, I am now teaching areas I would never have imagined myself handling just a year ago. For his belief in me, I am truly thankful. 

• Regional head. There was a sense of unease among those who attended, especially fellow trainers who had worked with my team lead for many years. Over the past week, it has been clear that many feel strongly about the departure, and some have placed the blame at the regional level. Not privy to the real reasons, but whatever the case, I’m not gonna get involved in it. The decision to travel here and host the dinner felt, to some, somewhat staged. For those who attended, the key reason was to maintain relationships moving forward. Still, I would like to acknowledge the effort involved in making the trip and hosting the dinner. Regardless of intent or perception, the time and presence are something I can appreciate. 

• The team. The dinner itself felt a li’l "wayang". Not everyone was invited. The explanation given was that not all email addresses were available, and so invitations went out only to those who had attended a previous gathering. While that may be difficult to fully accept, I chose not to dwell on it. There was already enough negativity surrounding the situation. Some fellow trainers who were not invited asked about the dinner, and I encouraged one of them to come by regardless. Ultimately, it is important to remain professional. We will need to continue working with the regional office, and relationships still matter. Putting everything aside, I was grateful for the chance to reconnect with fellow trainers. We do not often get to meet, and I always value every opportunity to meet. 

The dinner itself was brief, lasting less than 2 hours. Despite the mixed emotions and underlying tensions, I am thankful that it took place. It was a reminder that professionalism matters, especially during difficult transitions. I am also reminded of the Chinese saying that no banquet lasts forever - every good thing eventually comes to an end. It feels particularly apt in this moment. There is a sense of loss, especially for those who have worked closely with my team lead for many years. While the emotions are understandable, I trust that, in time, everyone will find a way to move forward with maturity and professionalism.

Satan

This sounded more like Satan speaking, not human at all…

Have I moved on?

This evening, I was looking at my IG when a photo of my ex jumped out at me. It startled me.

I had removed him from my IG, so how is it that his photo is staring at me. Then I realized it was posted by his very close girl friend whom I also know. The photo was posted 5 days ago and it was taken in Bangkok. They had gone for Bangkok Hyrox. For that moment, I felt a little ache and curious - curious about how he is, what’s he doing now, and for that matter, whether he is attached now. 

And then I started to google about Hyrox and whether it is something I could do, with my current health condition - heart, knees, and all. Google results said it is too high a risk for me and tbh, I felt good. Good cos it validated me - that he had once told me about his wish that I could join him for all his high intensity exercises altho I said my health condition didn’t allow me to. It reminded me of how I felt when I was with him - that I cannot live up to his expectations given our age difference.

It’s almost exactly 2 years since he decided to call off the relationship. Back then, to manage myself, I deleted everything related to him - photos we took over the 7 years together, his IG profile, his X profile, and so on, short of his contact number. Yet, seeing the photo today, I instinctively scrolled through all the posted photos. I was unsure what I was looking for, to be honest. 

And then, I reminded myself - Get a grip! He dumped you for selfish reasons. He wouldn’t even commit to care for you when you needed him. It’s not a balanced relationship and not being together is probably the best outcome. You have gone through too much these 2 years and life has started to stabilize. Love yourself. No point thinking about the past. Move on… And I wondered - have I actually moved on? 

I exited the app.

ps: yes, I have.

Grateful 4 Apr: Media

These days, after leaving corporate life, the distinction between weekdays and weekends has gently faded. My days now move in a steady, familiar rhythm - work (when there is upcoming training), afternoon walks and exercise, rest, and the occasional indulgence in shows online or on television. Today followed much of that rhythm, but it carried a slightly different undertone. You see, I had been navigating some lingering emotions since last evening. The shows I watched, thus, became both an escape and a means of easing that heaviness, and for that, I am grateful. 

• Nanny McPhee. I spent the latter part of the afternoon watching 2 children's shows: Nanny McPhee (2005) and Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang (2010) on Netflix. They were fun and entertaining as they were touching. Both films explored a range of human emotions - fear, love, betrayal, competition, and so on. It was lovely to see the strong cast of both shows, and to reflect on how the child actors have since grown into young adults, while some familiar faces, such as Maggie Smith, have since passed on. I’m grateful for the warmth and lightness these films brought to my afternoon. 

• AI-generated documentaries. I devoted much of the early evening to watching AI-generated documentaries on YouTube. It continues to amaze me how AI can recreate scenes from history and legend - Chinese dynasties, Alexandria, even Atlantis. These shows offer a glimpse into how life might have been in the past, while providing both enjoyment and learning. I’m grateful for an evening that felt both engaging and enriching. 

• Songs. Listening to MTVs on YouTube has become a regular part of my routine. It provides a gentle background as I work or write, and sometimes helps to drown the noise from the playground below. At times, I find myself singing along - especially to songs that carry familiar melodies and memories. These moments bring a quiet sense of comfort and nostalgia. 

It has been a slow and reflective day. I began by completing some meaningful training preparation, but for much of the day, my mind remained preoccupied with a lingering issue from last night, sparked by a message from someone. Although I responded after my exercise, the heaviness stayed with me for a while. Yet, as the day unfolded, there was a gradual lightening. The online shows and music did more than distract - they gently helped me regain a sense of balance and return to myself. For that quiet shift, I am truly grateful.