blah........

feeling so fucking blah now.......

moody days

not sure why... but of late, i have been somewhat moody... perhaps it was becos the course i put so much effort into had ended. or perhaps it was cos there was just too much apprehension about what's to come now that the course had ended. or was it due to my bee bee behaving weird (of cos he said i had acted weird in the first place)... or that i had too much free time now, but my bee bee could not spent time with me due to his work, or that i was frustrated with work... or i was simple just too exhausted... or the fact that there are just too many people around me dying (latest was that two of the dragon boaters are friends of a friend)... or the fact that my smses were not answered... wtf! wtf! wtf! wtf! wtf!

there seemed to be so many possible reasons that i am not of sure what the reasons are anymore.

east coast on sunday

made some very interesting observations these couple of weeks when i do my walk-a-jog...

• many people do not wear undies when they jog, ie, they freeball. of cos, i wasn't complaining :-) and of course, one word of advice - when u jog, wear underwear. hmmm, unless u want ppl to see ur jewel swinging...
  

• east coast parkway can be really busy on sunday mornings before the marathon. so so many people jogging. and of course, from the way they carry themselves when they run, gay men can be so obvious... hmmm, or was it just my gaydar

• when you see a sg man running with an ang mo, chances are, they are a gay couple :-)

• most of the gaymen i observe, can carry their running gear very nicely. it seemed like the running gear are made for them! and it seemed like there are more straight men who cannot seem to fit well into a proper running gear... unless they are good runners

• more gaymen run at night compared to straight men. and of cos, there seemed to be a higher number of them who run topless... oogles!!!

cmp

have really wanted to run and get back into shape. and have procrastinated. until today. finally mustered my energy for my morning run... well, was more of a walk-a-jog. ok, mostly walk. and for the short distance that i jogged, i experienced a shaaaarrrp pain in my right knee. must be my cmp working up again...

getting old i guess... another case of mind is willing but body is not.

aimless

have been clearing time off after the course. and i have been going thru all sorts of emotional turmoil... on one hand, i very much want to go back to give my all to my work. on the other hand, i just could not bring myself to do it at all... lost all my faith in my boss and my motivation to go back...

the next two days will be our staff retreat. supposedly to have a conversation to discuss our directions. but my left hand column is really telling me that it will be a total waste of time. i am pessimistic about the conversation that is going to happen.

one more day of off and then it is back to all the wayangs again...

functionality

beep beep beep beep beeee _____________________________

2008 - year of the rat

as 2008 draws near, i am again reminded about a prediction by a fortune teller. you see, my mum brought me to a palm-reader when i was in pri 5 (there and about...) and the fortune taller predicted that in my 42nd year i would experience great difficulties and danger. she said that that would be the year of the rat and being borned in the year of the fire horse, my star signs would clash with the rat year. and that if i were not careful and has a fall, then, chances are that i would die.

while i do not place much attention to such morbid predictions, it has nonetheless linger in my memories since then... and i cannot help but think that even if i do not fall, my 42nd year would be a difficult year for me as i manage my career transition. perhaps, the so called `death' the fortune teller was referring to was the death of my career... well, we'll see!

my sick dad

it's 3am now. i was woken up about half an hour ago by some noises outside my bedroom. it sounded like someone wailing. immediately, i knew it was my dad again. i opened the door and true enough, i saw my dad - naked and sprawled on the floor. perspiring profusely, he was in a state of semi-consciousness and confusion.

i have seen this happened often over the last two years. too often. and i knew immediately what i must do. quickly, i prepared a cup of warm concentrated milo with extra sugar and fed it to him - teaspoon by teaspoon, making sure he does not get choked in the process. it took me a whole 15min before he finished the milo. and soon enough, he stopped wailing and started talking to me. word by word, he would remind me to sleep early, to save for old age, to be careful with my money and so on. and almost always, it was during such instance of semi-consciousness where he would show his concern explicitly. feels kinda warm to hear him say out such words for in my family, we hardly express our love openly.

on the other hand, i also feel somewhat sad. i had expected today's hypoglycaemia to happen given that he is currently sick with flu and he has not been resting and eating well. and there is hardly anything i can do to hasten his recovery. i feel somewhat resigned to the fact that even after he recovers from this bout of flu, he will continue to weaken by the day. he is an old man, the least i can do is to take good care of him. he is my dad.

jason ho

i had lost all contact with jason, my doctor friend who had worked with me back in 1998. we were so close that many had thought we were a couple. but of cos that couldn't be more wrong cos jason is straight as can be :-) after i joined sia cargo in 2000 and he left service, we lost contact and since then, i had been trying my hardest to look for him. my attempts were unsuccessful and at one time, i had wanted to delete away his email.

last evening, we made contact in the msn. i was home early after work and had logged on to the msn to check on my msgs as well as to see if any of my friends were online... and then, a few things happened almost at the same time - damien logged on (with his photo!), then ps msn me, and i was most surprised when jason also logged on...

it took a while for us to authenticate each other's identity and next thing we knew, we were yakking away like long lost friends. jason is now working in china and has a russian gf :-) always knew he has this taste for exotic girls! and he seemed to be doing pretty well! happy for him!

yesterday was certainly a very happy day for me!

schneider & damien

the last couple of days had been interesting. first, bee bee and i met up with schneider. it was interesting cos it was the first time i meet schneider after knowing him over the webcam some 3-4 (?) months back. and with time, smses and chats, we became friends. i had always been amazed how similar schneider and i had in common in terms of personality, likes and dislikes :-)

and of cos, over time too, i got to know damien (thru schneider)... uncannily, i also realized through facebook that damien and i shared several common traits... and last evening, it was the first time i saw damien's face over the msn. at last i had a visual of someone whom i had chatted and smsed and had come to called friend :-)

just thot i'd pen it here to commemorate these occasions.

edwin

it was interesting to have made a new friend in facebook. someone called edwin petted my fluffy lehbit... and fed lehbit some vege. i thanked him by doing a poke on him. and soon enough, we started poking each other. i eventually sent a mail to thank him and he addressed me somewhat affectionately as his pokey friend... and mail after mail, we slowly got to know each other. i came out to him, he was somewhat reluctant to call himself gay, choosing to say that we are of the same orientation... :-)

with time, we exchanged numbers and became friends. he is a nice person. glad to have made the contact.

end of course

end of courses has always been a mixed feeling thing for me. the time spent with the students created a certain kinda bond that i cannot really explain. the affectionate nicknames and actions that they would give to me, the trust that was established between my student and i... and most importantly, the friendship that was forged over the duration of the course.

i can almost draw some parallels at the end of the course to a mother giving birth to her baby after a 9-month long gestation period. it was with such pride that i see my course participants grow closer with each passing day. and the effort that i had put in to make sure the course was useful to my students, the highs and the lows, the early mornings and the late nights... and of course, the huge effort i put in to ensure that the graduation is the most perfect thing that could ever happen... for they were the stars.

and then the next day, everything was quiet.

it was the same feelings 20 years ago when i taught in basic school and it is still the same emotions i experience today when i teach in this college. sighs. the human mind is such a sentimental thing.

medical review

finally went for my final check-up on my hearing problem and was told that this time round, the findings suggest that my ears are ok. `not too bad' to be exact. you see, although i still have some loss in hearing in my left ear, it is considered ok cos the frequency that i am found to be slightly deaf to is in the higher frequency range. and as such, it should no affect my normal daily functions. nonetheless, i am supposed to go back for my annual review so as to make sure it does not deteriorate further.

on the other hand, i am supposed to go for my check-up with an orthopaedic specialist for my cmp, my cervical spondylosis and my tendonitis problem... sighs... signs of getting old.

you simply cannot escape such fact of life...

my boss

when one interacts with someone long enough, you see the true person's character. i managed to slowly see my new boss's character slowly unfolding over the last couple of months since he joined our team.

i initially had so full of hopes in him. then gradually, i begin to slowly lose my trust in him, particularly over the last couple of weeks. some of the things that was most telling of his `buay zai' (lack of confidence) and inability or perhaps refusal to comprehend the ground problems and lack of trust us - in his subordinates. he has frequently gone around asking for feedback about how things can be improved, how course can be better managed etc... but really, i feel he has not understood the ground. some of the most telling things that he has decided include:

• endorsing for staff to attend a programme in nie during the last week of a course that we are running. and in doing so, created so much tension amongst those who stayed behind cos there was simply not enough people to resolve all the end of course administration. such a negative effect on the student!

• directing for all instructors to attend a talk in the midst of a major exercise where everyone present was involved. my colleagues and i simply deleted his email and shook our head.

• one late evening, when i was conducting an exam for my students, he came to me and asked me to explain why we felt stressed. he said he could not possibly understand our feelings of stress when there were `so many' of us. it was an easy answer for i just listed all of us, and went down the names one by one and our taskings that he had arrowed. end of it all, in the list of 13 positions, i was able to show that only 3 of us were physically around to support the running of the course at any one time. the other 10 had either been arrowed for other things or had been posted out and whose positions were left unstaffed.

• and in that conversation, i explained that whoever was around was left to shoulder the extra responsibilities and as such had no other capacity to do other things. he surprised me by saying that we should therefore do less for the course (our students)... !!!!!! i was stunt for in the longest time i had been with my college, i had impressed upon myself that i existed for the students!

• when i tried to explain to him the challenges we faced due to the lack of human resources, he simply told me off that we (my colleagues and i) still exist in the old paradigm... and that we need to start living in the new paradigm. i can only conclude that perhaps he was the one living in the old paradigm and that i should just leave the set-up.

• and to top it off, during the debrief of the course two days ago, i almost felt insulted when he tried to ask students to tell him their tensions. well, there was nothing wrong in doing that, but it was in the way that he did it... you see, he went in with some mindsets and in the manner in which he asked, he was literally presenting his cart before the horses. and students were rather put off i must say. and when they have finished their points (very mature and v well balanced between the good and not so good points), he turned around and tried to `squeeze' some more points out of them - telling them to highlight whatever tensions they have - especially those that was not reflected... i felt rather insulted actually. the students just sat there are stared at him... there was just no tensions!

anyway, i am slowly seeing more and more of his character... perhaps i have my own mindsets and might have seen things from my angle. but somehow, no matter how i try to frame from his angle, i just could not comprehend where he was steering us towards...

i can only say that there is no way to be open if on one hand, openness is valued, but on the other hand, it is practiced only superficially, or at least that is what i am feeling up till this point. and that he had been one of the main reason behind the crazy workplace that all of us are now experiencing.

unglam tai tais

witnessed a funny sight yesterday... was driving along ayer rajah expressway when i noticed a very beautifully dressed up and dolled up tai tai (rich lady who lives off her husband's earnings) driving beside me... she was digging gold (picking her nose) like there was no tomorrow... and i could see she was so engrossed in the act that her mouth was open wide (not unlike those in a state of ecstasy)!

such a glam-looking tai tai, but doing such an act... in the privacy (so she thot) of her car. and in that act, she was so unglam... so funny :-) then again, picking on one's nose is such a personal and common thing that all of us do so bluddy often... only that we do not do it openly :-)

i smiled to myself... and i drove along...

positioning for failure

was talking to willie last week and the conversation drifted to `positioning a person for failure'. and that sets me thinking about what i have been going through since the past 2 years. my organisation is part of a larger set-up that had openly announced that gays are allowed to fill positions, even those that are sensitive, if they are admit their sexuality. but what i had experienced told me that whatever had been stated was plain bullshit. seemed more like a publicity stunt. i do ask the following:

• why is my security clearance downgraded to a state where i become undeployable and my posting to an appointment comes with additional qualifiers that i cannot be involved in some areas of my work?
• how can i get my job done if i am constantly reminded of my status given some agencies refuse to liaise with me cos i do not have the nec security clearance to even talk abt what i am supposed to do?
• what motivation do i have, if, as a result of not being able to do what i am supposed to do due to my security clearance, end up not getting my due recognition during the year-end ranking?
  

does this all not add up to a case of positioning me for failure? once again, i am reminded of my semblance to a prostitute where i work purely for the sake of money...

of modesty & tudungs

earlier i was at the pool for my weekly tan. i felt so weird when i reached there cos there was this muslim family beside all the tanning decks. and amongst the family was this tudung-clad woman. there she was, seated amongst her family, half enjoying the sun and half chatting away happily while her kids frolicked in the wading pool.

and there i was - in my swimming trunks, nothing obscene or suggestive, but i was so suddenly aware of my relative nakedness compared to her fully covered body. for that moment, i did not know how to react. and it was such a weird feeling and contrasting scene cos on all the tanning decks, as usual, were gay men. and some of them wore rather skimpy trunks - eg those with rings by the sides :-)

or was it just me, a non-muslim but highly conscious of muslim values and the respect i give to women who don the tudung who chose to protect their modesty in the name of islam, that made me feel so self-conscious? for that moment, i couldn't make out as to whether my relative nakedness (or for that matter, all the men at the pool) would be seen as an outraged to her modesty or that her presence amongst men in swimming trunks, had made us felt outraged instead.

then again, what is modesty after all? all in the mind, i guess...

stardust

"are we humans because we gaze at the stars, or do we gaze at them because we are humans... do the stars gaze back?"

last week, i walked into stardust knowing that it was a show that i wanted to watched as i had really enjoyed neil gaiman's books. but i could not remember the storyline as it had been a while since i read the book. but when i saw the dying king, the whole story just flooded back to my memory! the show did not disappoint. the casting that included michelle pfeiffer, claire danes, robert de niro, rupert everett and charlie cox was superb and the acting was flawless! and of course not to forget - the special effects and make-up really added the extra touch and magic to the show! :-)

dialect speakers

recently, i chanced upon a couple of incidents that makes me feel a little sad. it's about dialect speakers and the future of their children. the following are 2 incidents that i would like to share...

• last week at the bedok south hawker center, i was having breakfast and i saw this very lively and cheerful 10-year old boy. through his soliloquy, i was able to conclude that he's a very smart boy. what made me sad was that he was uttering his thoughts in hokkien. and the way he interacted with his father and god-father, i can see that the chances of him getting a decent quality environment where he can be nurtured is very slim. his dad was a helper of the chicken rice store. and looking at the picture he was playing with (picture of the two taoist gods / guardian of hell), and the fantasies that he was self-uttering, i saddens me to think of the challenges he would face eventually as he tries to fit into this very english-educated society.

• this morning at the marine terrace hawker center, i witnessed this toddler - must have been no more than 3 years old. i was amazed with her thoughts and line of questioning - she told her dad she is thirsty and would like to drink cold soya bean milk. when her dad told her drinking cold soya-bean drink is not good for her, she asked why and if so, then how then can it be improved... simple questions but i was surprised by her ability to link logic and derive more questions... again, what dishearten me was that the conversation between her dad and her was in pure solid hokkien!
  

i was brought up in similar environment when i was young. my parents are not educated. seeing the parents of the two small kids above reminded me of how my parents brought me up. i had faced the challenges and at some point in my life, felt inferior to my english-speaking better off classmates and contemporaries. it has affected my life eventually. but in these two incidents, the differences between them and other singaporean kids are even more distinct compared to my time. these two incidents also tell me that amongst our dialect speaking communities, we have children who are really bright and that they have the potential to be developed cognitively. if done correctly, they will have a very bright future. what saddens me was the fact that even if education opportunities are equal, i do not think these children will ever have the chance to grow up in a home environment that will give them a good start in life (assuming what i observed to be the same in their home). and in this very harsh and cruel singaporean society, it can only mean that they are set for life's failure if they remain in singapore.

facebook

joined facebook about a month back and i observed some very interesting things about gays who are not totally out to their friends or even if out, would like to keep their sexuality away from their profile. these include (tho not exclusively)

• describing themselves as `interested in both man and woman'; or
  
• not to disclose their interest (in man or woman) and relationship status
• reflecting `it's rather complicated' in the relationship field
• has a high degree of privacy (eg keep friends invisible)
  

and of course, i myself do display some of these online behaviours :-)

doggie's birthday

i celebrated sapphie's birthday yesterday. the usual annual ritual of heading to the market and buying her $4 worth of her favourite beef and stir frying for her :-) she's now 8 years old... a couple more years and she'll leave me...

don't think she knows what the hell was happening but couldn't care-less as long as she got her yummy beef to enjoy!

today, james will be bringing her out. his turn to celebrate her birthday with her. one of those very rare occasions that i will see sapphie go all excited (she'll pee!). she simply loves james to bits!

functional

it's so difficult for one clap with one hand... or is it a case of him deriving some perverse pleasure in not replying my messages? how i wish we can at least have a meal together...

ah chek

you know you have reached the category called `old' when the aunties in the market call you `ah-chek' and not `ah boy' :-)

my ex-neighbour

i was at heeren last evening and i was shocked to chance upon an ex-neighbour of mine.

this lady-neighbour of mine used to attend the same secondary school as me and at one time, i would send her to work almost daily. we were both working in the same building in our headquarters at gombak. she got married and had a daughter. she did not speak much of her husband and the few times i saw her, she was always alone with her daughter. i also vaguely remembered my mum telling me that she had moved out of marine parade. i had not seen nor contacted her since i moved out of marine parade some 10 years back.

what shocked me last nite when i saw her was that she was dressed in a very lady-like lacy dress and was walking rather intimately with another very butch lady. but she looked very happy and was laughing and joking as they shopped.

my guess was that this has been another case of closeted lesbian forced into marriage but eventually found her happiness after accepting her sexuality. on one hand, i was sad that she had to go through the marriage and stuff... but on the other hand, i am glad she is happy now.

we did not talk. she did not see me. and i do not think i want to ask about her husband and child. there is no need for such questions.

crazy work place

the following are some of my work environment that i feel is getting out of hand and it is to a huge extend a result of management's fault:

• 3 years ago, we redesigned and implemented a new curriculum
  
• our manpower was subsequently `right-sized' (read - manpower cut) cos the new curriculum was supposed to be more streamlined
• a third of the new curriculum had been given to external tertiary professors to conduct
  
• with this change, our instructional development teams got disbanded
  
• apart from teaching, instructors also take on the role of instructional development. this was possible cos of the time released by engaging external professionals
  
• our co-ordinating office manpower was also reduced
  
• over the last 3 years, things slowly got into place when...

a new management came in mid this year. this new management is totally not in touch with the ground. and to make things worst, what is happening now seemed that new management seemed too eager to please higher management. also, as a show of support for the organisation, the new management felt strongly that we should actively reach out and increase our engagement to the organization. this created a tremendous strain on the existing set of people in college. next year, the new management has set the following new directions for current instructors:

• all instructors must now physically conduct and facilitate classes, especially for those that had been given to external tertiary institutes to conduct - reasons of leadership (to me, credibility and ownership of subject matter expertise is more important. leadership is but an escape clause)
  
• with no instructional design teams, all instructors have been roped in to the redesigning of a new curriculum that new management has been tasked to look into by higher management
  
• this new curriculum is intended to be in place by 2009. but for 2008, all current teaching materials and lesson plans have to be redesigned and streamlined further so as to make the current curriculum more relevant (wtf!)
  
• the current course capacity will be increased by about 20 - 30% but there will not no increase in instructors
  

despite our feedback abt the strain, the common liner by management has been that we should move out of the old paradigm and start to live in the new paradigm... and much as we tried, it is just not possible to meet the extra demands. our work now has resulted in many of us working till pass-10pm at a higher frequency these days... to make things worst, i also observe the following interesting phenomenon creeping into the college:

• the principal-equivalent (aka management) trying to micromanage the instructors (teacher-equivalent)
• the hod-equivalent (aka my immediate boss) who is not too in-the-know about how to manage the instructors and behave more like a principal
• another hod-equivalent who has been put in charge of running the course had also pulled 2 instructors (out of the 15 or so) to become his deputy - one for admin and one for education (read - paper writing)
  
• of these 2 instructors pulled out to help out with admin and paper writing know next to nothing about running classes - both have the reputation of being absent all the time. their class have gone to the extend of naming their class as the no-instructor class and/or go on a self-drive.
  
• all these amidst a turn over of some 20-30% of current set of instructors and management is looking at transferring their responsibilities to those remaining

it is no wonder that all those remaining behind - even those who have thus far been very committed and professional in their roles as instructors - are starting to talk about resigning... and i am glad i only have one more year to go...