Planning Forward

On one hand, there are many suggestions of how we could spend the months ahead and tentative plans for these programmes, yet, at the back of my head, there is a very high degree of uncertainties. Of insecurities... are these for real?

The immediate few weeks already seemed so hazy and difficult for me... what more a couple of months down the line... uncertain of where I'd be transferred to now that I've been outed, uncertain of my the implications on my career future, fact that my mum will be going for her angioplasty next week, etc etc etc... kinda overwhelming, haiz...

Reflecting, my past couple of months had been rather crazy and stressful. Am just hoping for things to be smoother for me. But well, will just have to leave it to whatever comes my way... frankly, feeling kinda resigned now...

2nd Month

27 Apr to 27 Jun - 2 mths, seemed like 2 lifetimes.

Half day left - Reflections of a Fridae Perk member

Half day left and my Perks is up.

Looking at the 22000-plus hearts, I asked myself - what have I achieved over the last year when I joined Perks.... well for once, I can say - NOTHING... oh well, that is a little too critical... I joined Perks when I was overseas on a 6-month assignment. During that time in Florida, I was really out of touch with things back home - missed my friends in Singapore, missed the food, the people, the culture, etc

Decided to join Perks to widen the possibility of keeping in contact with things back home thru like-minded people, in an environment that is not so threatening, that is somewhat familiar to me (albeit a cyberspace one) and one that allows me to keep my anonymity.

Over time, I got to know more people, some pretty nice ones, some that I would call the touch-and-go ones (not literally considering I was in Florida). In time, I started to place my pix in my profile - something that I would come to regret later (that's another story) and at a certain period, a sort of addiction to want to send hearts, with the hope of getting more hearts and the thrill of counting the slowly increasing numbers and hitting and counting the heart received by the thousands. Anyway, as I went along, I came to see and feel my fella-Perk friends frustrations with Fridae - cannot put up this, cannot do that, etc and in time, one by one, my friends begin to end their memberships and not renew it. I had my fair share with Fridae in this regard.

Well, here I am, deciding to end my membership too. In part, due to the insistence of Fridae for me to put up my pics instead of a caricature or any other pics, and also in part, due to my office's views that I should minimise my presence in GLBT sites.

Whatever the case, I am ready to let go of my membership. Reflecting, no regrets, no heartaches, but just an interesting experience :)

Painless or Just Numb?

Am I really feeling ok now becos things are ok or it is becos I am so numbed to pain that any further pain does not hurt anymore?

This evening, I had the most interesting and enlightening conversation with some very close friends who chose to tell me the harshest truth and who tried to put things in perspective to me. Guess it's easier to see things from afar and when one can be very objective about relationship/ emotional issues. Always easier to ask for the mind to control the heart when one is not in the problem itself. But it is oh so difficult when you are the involved party.

Anyway, to these friends (you know who you are), I sincerely thank you and really appreciate the words you have put across to me so squarely. And hey, only the truest of friends will say such harsh truth. Hugs!

Continued Stress

One after another. Not surprised if things go further wrong. Just have to accept it and move on. Mum just moved in to join us following some family issues. Need to make adjustments so that her needs can be met.

Light Lighter Lightest

Find myself getting lighter by the day... over the span of the last 3-4 months, I have lost a total of 7 kg! That's more than 10% of my total weight! But what I find most disturbing is that my clothes are beginning to become so loose I may need to change my whole wardrobe! Not too sure if this is a healthy sign altho medically I am cleared of all sorts of problems...

A Story Unfolding Melodrama - HK-style

Characters

A the ambitious hardworker
B the neglected
C the friendly one
D the silent non expressive lover

A in relationship with B
A focused only on work
B feels neglected for longest time ever
B meets C, strong mutual attractions
C in relationship with D

D the silent type, non expressive
C altho also not expressive, is more expressive compared to D
C often sms D to say wish him well, etc
D chided C for it
C committed to D nonetheless

B meets C one day
Chance encounter ended with frequent dates
B confides in C his loneliness and his relationship with A
C listens, lend a shoulder to cry on

C hides D from B
B falls in love with C eventually
B and C struggles knowing their status
C struggles for he begins to like B

B eventually confess to A
A feels betrayed but continue not saying anything about it,
situation remains unclear,
continues to be nonchalant,
continue to focus on work

B continues going out with C
B eventually pieces what C said and found out about D
B devastated but as he really loves C
B gives C and D his blessings

Soon enough, C falls madly in love with B,
but internally hold back for he does not want to give B false hopes
C cannot let go of D
D totally not in picture but feels C's lack of attention at times
C admits to D the existence of B but with no details of the extent of his relations with B

D feels threatened and starts to be lovey dovey and begins to shower C with love
C is moved by D, totally,
but continues to holds on the B as he has also now fallen madly in love with B
C felt guilty hurting B

C faces internal struggle constantly
B hurt by C's avoidance
B constantly gets upset
C felt bad hurting B by holding himself back and causing B to be upset

B eventually breaks down emotionally
B's situation made worst by other stress
C nears emotional break down on learning of B's situation
B finally convince that he will be happy as long as C is

C eventually sorted himself out and continues seeing B
B makes promises to wait for C
A continues to be with B yet neglect B
B does not know how to manage A for he also loves A

C cannot promise B anything but agrees to give him chance when he falls out with D
C is also paranoid of D finding out

In the end, both B and C agree to be each others' `small one' and to take things as it comes

So, for now,

A continues to hold on to B
B continues to wait for C
B and C continues to see each other
C's preference is D
D feels blessed to be with C
A and D has no knowledge of the love and promises made between B and C and how they are both juggling their 4-way dynamics

Life goes on... real life melodrama

Stabilizing

Some form of normalcy is returning over the last couple of days. Life seemed to be stabilizing. Guess when you have hit the bottom, the only direction available is up.

Emotionally, things are also stabilizing somewhat and issues between me and them appears to be smoothening out slowly. New equilibrium being established over time. Well, it's gonna be a challenging time ahead but guess I'll have to manage.

Family life also seemed to be getting back to normal. Sister's cancer has been confirmed to be benign at this point in time, both parents recovering slowly from their sickness.

Workwise, after all the `hu-ha', many things are still not firmed up. My fate has not been decided. Decided not to pursue my higher degree and have dropped my scholarship. Now awaiting my boss' return from leave. But well, guess I am also getting use to the new `equilibrium' at work. On the brighter side, the recent spate of events allowed me to experience how my close friends, str8 and gays alike (including those close ones who had left my company and whom I finally came out to last week), banded together to give me their support.

To all of them, I am sincerely touched and am indebted by their selfless response to spend time with me and the efforts to call and speak to me. For without them, I'll probably not be here typing these words now.

life in turmoil

Realized that with all the dynamics currently going on in my life, I am afterall not so strong afterall, despite telling myself I need to pick myself up from all my work and personal issues. Been suffering from sleepless nights and whenever I dozed off, I'd dream of my dead relatives returning to look after me or my close family members dying. I also dreamt of my ex-boss lying in a coffin and telling me that his time is up and he is getting ready to go. I even dreamt of my good friend being butchered to death and woke up just before the assailant axe me. I am, in fact, quite afraid to fall asleep now. What does all these mean? Life can be so overwhelming when everything happens at the same time.

At work, I'd been called up and interrogated by my security department recently about my sexuality. And suddenly, a lot of things started to happen. for a start, my security clearance had been removed. My assistant chief of HR called me us and told he he will not judge my morality but I will have to accept that the organization will have to take necessary actions on me. For a start, my scholarship would be revoked. I am technically employed but not deployable. Things are really in a limbo. Been on leave for a week. How am I gonna face my colleagues and bosses once I get back to work. How? How?

And my personal life is also in a mess, neglected by my current partner and got to know someone new recently. Then I found out that he is attached and he could not commit. Yet, from what he tells me, I think that person treats him more like a friend than a partner. Find myself giving him my blessings and telling him that I will be happy as long as he is. I have been crying and slipping into bouts of depression.

Sighs... It is now 3am and I am still awake tossing and turning, thinking of him, thinking of what's gonna happen at work, thinking of family problems, etc. Sometimes, it feels so right to just end everything all at once.