Realized that with all the dynamics currently going on in my life, I am afterall not so strong afterall, despite telling myself I need to pick myself up from all my work and personal issues. Been suffering from sleepless nights and whenever I dozed off, I'd dream of my dead relatives returning to look after me or my close family members dying. I also dreamt of my ex-boss lying in a coffin and telling me that his time is up and he is getting ready to go. I even dreamt of my good friend being butchered to death and woke up just before the assailant axe me. I am, in fact, quite afraid to fall asleep now. What does all these mean? Life can be so overwhelming when everything happens at the same time.
At work, I'd been called up and interrogated by my security department recently about my sexuality. And suddenly, a lot of things started to happen. for a start, my security clearance had been removed. My assistant chief of HR called me us and told he he will not judge my morality but I will have to accept that the organization will have to take necessary actions on me. For a start, my scholarship would be revoked. I am technically employed but not deployable. Things are really in a limbo. Been on leave for a week. How am I gonna face my colleagues and bosses once I get back to work. How? How?
And my personal life is also in a mess, neglected by my current partner and got to know someone new recently. Then I found out that he is attached and he could not commit. Yet, from what he tells me, I think that person treats him more like a friend than a partner. Find myself giving him my blessings and telling him that I will be happy as long as he is. I have been crying and slipping into bouts of depression.
Sighs... It is now 3am and I am still awake tossing and turning, thinking of him, thinking of what's gonna happen at work, thinking of family problems, etc. Sometimes, it feels so right to just end everything all at once.
At work, I'd been called up and interrogated by my security department recently about my sexuality. And suddenly, a lot of things started to happen. for a start, my security clearance had been removed. My assistant chief of HR called me us and told he he will not judge my morality but I will have to accept that the organization will have to take necessary actions on me. For a start, my scholarship would be revoked. I am technically employed but not deployable. Things are really in a limbo. Been on leave for a week. How am I gonna face my colleagues and bosses once I get back to work. How? How?
And my personal life is also in a mess, neglected by my current partner and got to know someone new recently. Then I found out that he is attached and he could not commit. Yet, from what he tells me, I think that person treats him more like a friend than a partner. Find myself giving him my blessings and telling him that I will be happy as long as he is. I have been crying and slipping into bouts of depression.
Sighs... It is now 3am and I am still awake tossing and turning, thinking of him, thinking of what's gonna happen at work, thinking of family problems, etc. Sometimes, it feels so right to just end everything all at once.
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