9th Anniversary

Today marks the 9th anniversary of my mum's demise. Had made the trip to the columbarium to pay my respects to her last weekend in order to avoid bumping into my brother.

Time flies indeed.

2017 - year of work

i don't think i'll do a long post this time round (compared to previous years). 2017 will be known as the “year of work”. no second thoughts about it. after 2 years of crazy roller coaster rides, 2017 had been relatively quiet and boring in almost all aspects. and this was, to a large extent, due to the all-consuming work throughout the year. but it was a welcome change ironically. work was a necessary evil as i had started a new job and needed to learn on the run. it also provided me the legitimate excuse to run away from all the issues that happened in my personal life. and on this note, i shall start my annual reflection.

work/ professional development

i started the year telling myself i want to learn, and i want to give my best in my new job. i did. and more. my new job started in jan 17 and it was a superbly steep learning curve for me given that the scope of the job was huge, the people were new, and it was a totally new industry for me! it didn't help that i had very difficult people around me within my team - people who played politics, were not cooperative, resistant to change and who chose to align themselves to the previous lead's practises. it was really painful for me. but in perspective, the year started well. lots of learn and lots of support from the team and the bosses. it helped for the fact that everyone was very co-operative. added to this, the team rallied around me very strongly because i was able to engage them and reach out to them. this was a huge contrast to my predecessor that was very task-driven and had only focused all the attention on one particular person (and on a very personal basis as they were very close friends). as time passes, this person began to express frustrations about my management style - that i was not hard enough with the rest of the team, that i should be more like my predecessor and tell people to do, and if they don't to simply punish them. this was simply not my style. and after the inability to demand a change in my style of management, together with a couple of other frustrations (e.g. of not getting the attention needed, not getting the promotion, etc), this person left. i realised how much a trouble maker this person was after the departure as all the things that was swept and hidden under the carpet started to surface - processes messed up, budget mismanaged, etc. i was glad this person left. it was for the longer term good. anyway, for a good part of the last couple of months, i was hell busy covering the responsibilities of a couple of vacant headcount. i took them in stride and didn't pressure myself to hire anyone hastily. told myself i will recruit the right people for the job. very glad that as of now, two positions have been closed. one more to go. next year will definitely going to be a lot better.

bee

similar to last year, i didn't have many things to write about bee this year. i started off the year with little to no expectations and just wanted to do my part. things went relatively well and we had our frequent meet ups for meals. and one thing remained constant - he could never take time off to go for a break with me, even if it was for the weekend. it was frustrating to plan for trips consistently, just to end up with him pulling out in the end and with me going for the trip alone. things began to spiral downwards when he started to venture into a new business. increasingly, the time available got less and the neglect increase. it was rather unbearable at times, although i must say many a times i was able to use my own work to escape. work helped fill his absence and it helped somewhat. as for him, he didn't want to talk much about his work and i had to find out from others about what he's doing. didn't like this but this was just how things were. we hardly communicate anymore. everything about his these days are only about his work. it is in this context that friends came in important for me. my friends filled the gap this year whenever they could.

friends

i wanted to expand my social space and deepen my friendship at the start of 2017. in this area, i rate this aspect a “fail”. things didn't turn out as i had wished. in perspective, the year started well for me as my friends rallied around me when i changed jobs. for the first half year, the dinner meet ups were frequent and they would come all the way down to town for dinners and to catch up if i could not meet them closer to their workplace. and there were also lotsa activities including travelling to india to attend a wedding, movies, dinners, etc. anyway, time with friends peaked around jun but dipped subsequently due to both increased pressure from work and the unfortunate incident where i got angry with someone from the group i usually hang out with. and given the fact that i usually take a prolonged time to move on with such incidents, time with friends eventually took a lower priority in the second half of the year. it didn't helped that everyone also got busy with their respective work as the year picked up. eventually, the time together with friends began to taper downwards and the connections to my friends got looser towards the end of the year. these days, if i have any time, i would simply blast the whatsapp group and ask if anyone is free for dinner as it was almost impossible to have dinner with bee as he would be working. and often, i will end up eating alone.

but lest i trash myself too much about this, i must say that i did managed to make a couple of nice people from grindr. you see, with the extra me-time, i sought friendship online via grindr. i supposed within grindr, there were quite a few lonely souls who were looking and reaching out to people for friendship and to fill their own respective void. for the few that i got to know, it was interesting that i ended up some sorts of an uncle agony as they shared their issues about relationships and thoughts. and this, perhaps, is another gift I have that i had not previously mentioned - i am natural when it comes to coaching people about life. i have the natural tendency to want to reach out to people in trouble and to coach them. perhaps this is an extension or manifestation of my buddhist self. but the irony of it all was that i have quite a bit of my own challenges in my own personal life that i myself cannot manage. whatever.

personal life

i created this additional heading this year to capture how this year had impacted me personally. i kept to myself, increased my visits to the cemetery and went into the cyberworld - a world of make believe. you see, with increased me-time, lesser friends-time, and even lesser bee-time, i found my heading to places where i could escape to find the solace i need. and i found myself heading to spend time at the cemetery almost every other week. the cemetery is a quiet place and it felt very good to be able to visit my late parents' niche, even if my visits usually lasted less than 10-15minutes. the increased time to myself also meant i felt lonely often. and being somewhat an anti-social person, i invariably end up online. and so gay porn websites (such as pornhub, xtube, etc) and social media apps (such as instagram, tumblr, grindr, and to a lesser extent - jack'd and hornet) became my main escapes. these sites and apps allowed me an alternate world where i was able to indulge myself and to expire whatever frustrations or excess energies i had or needed to vent. in gay websites and tumblr, i indulge in lots and lots of porn - gay porn to be specific. and in instagram, i gained insights into how my friends spend their time, even as i flaunted my own daily experiences. and of cos, via gay social apps such as grindr, jack'd and hornet, i found my friendships. such were the escapes that featured in much of my me-time throughout the year. amidst all these, i had continued to avoid facebook as i didn't want to partake nor be aware of how bee continued to flaunt his selfies and his indulgence in praises from people online as he had done previously. do you think this is a very sad state of affairs? well, maybe. but i allowed me to keep myself sane and to cope with the pressures at work, the decreased time with friends and the increasing neglect by bee. 

health

i am not sure if i am depressed but i do often feel sad and have the tendency to withdraw into a world of my own. that aside, i thought i fared generally well in the areas of health and wellness, apart from one or two minor scares. the year started quite uneventfully. after so many years of back aches and pains, the orthopaedic specialist finally confirmed that i had a herniated disc and that was the main issue that was the cause of my constant back pains. the consciousness that i had a herniated disc made me a little more careful with myself when it came to posture, walking, exerting pressure on my back, etc. glad this consciousness helped although there were a couple of occasions where the back flared up. i also had quite a few bouts of near missed with flu and nasty issues but on the whole, i thought my health was ok. i half suspect this was the result of the high intensity of work where i was literally not able to fall sick. the adrenaline levels was just that high at work that it continued to push my limits. the thing about such adrenaline rush was that after every major activity, i would just collapse in total exhaustion. that, perhaps, was the only times where i was able to take a break - by falling temporarily sick. by the end of the year, i had totally burnt out. there was, however, a health scare mid year where one day where i felt a little stinking pain as i washed my foreskin. there was a little tear. i had this several times previously when i washed myself too roughly. such tears usually heal by itself after two day or so. but this time round, it didn't. the tear grew into a sore that grew larger and got inflamed. it freaked me out and i eventually sought medical help. the doctor told me i had been “too rough” but to make sure there was nothing more nasty, i was put through a hiv test. the test turned out negative. thankfully. there seemed to be a few things developing towards the end of the year - i've started developing a bad migraine since nov, i also noticed that my eyesight had deteriorated significantly in recent months, and there is also an increased inability to remember things/ forget things. anyway, i hope these issues don’t get any worst in the coming year.

bloggers/ blogging

i wanted to continue to blog and i think i did although i must say the motivation to do so was really not there. there were so many times where i entertained the idea of abandoning this blog. i was just too unmotivated to blog. i didn't have the energy to do so, especially after a long hard day at work. and so my habit of blogging daily to capture my daily reflections eventually died. i ended up blogging once a week, and later, once every two-three weeks. moving ahead, i am not sure if i can still keep up this habit but i will try. i still believe that all things being equal, blogging will continue to provide me the space to capture my thoughts, document my life, connect with friends and more importantly, provide me the space to look back, reflect and to learn about myself.

conclusion

on the whole, this year has been very intense for me. work-wise, it was all-consuming. the lack of emotional support from bee was overwhelming many a times and towards the end of the year, i found myself getting more and more irresponsible to myself when it comes to living my own life. i know things are wrong but on the other hand, i continued to indulge in it as it allowed me the momentarily escape into a world where i felt accepted and right. i shan't talk too much nor elaborate about it here. negatively, i am destroying myself although positively, this is a continuation of my life's journey and experiences towards self-discovery. this is perhaps an issue, but... whatever. i end 2017 with not much resolutions nor thoughts for 2018 except with the hope that i will be a happier person in 2018. and to achieve that, i think a good start would be to look inwards and to address my own expectations about people around me.

happy 2018 everyone.

quietness of the cemetery

it's become a routine for me to visit to the columbarium every few weeks to pay respects to my parents. once a while, i'd also drive through the cemetery next to it to get a moment of peace. for some reasons, cemeteries give me a sense of quiet and calms me. this weekend, i decided i'd just park my car at the columbarium and take a walk into the cemeteries instead. the sun wasn't too harsh and i also wanted to do some exercise. it was a good and interesting walk, going through the different blocks of burial sites that was filled through the different decades past. 

as i walked, the folds of the hills and rows and rows of graves appeared neatly in front of me. such a scene is not common locally and felt somewhat surreal. i walked pass the site where my paternal grandmother used to be buried before we exhumed her some time back. i recognised the huge angsana tree beside the grave that still stand today. i also visited the graves of my maternal grandmother and my uncle and i reflected on their lives as i looked at their photos. it is easy to recognise my grandma as my mum bore an exact semblance to her. she didn't like my mum when she was alive as my mum couldn't give her monthly allowances. also, coming from a traditional peranakan (straits-borned chinese) family, there was a natural tendency to favour boys to girls. as for my uncle, i reflected on the stories shared by my mum about him. he committed suicide by hanging himself at the age of 29 on 2 nov 1965, a year before i was born. and he took his life, to my understanding, due to heaps of debt as a result of gambling, and my granddad's disapproval of his intense relationship with a malay-muslim woman. cross-cultural and cross-religion relationships was considered taboo back in those days.

when i looked at their photographs and reflected on their life's stories, i also wondered if i should arrange for them to be exhumed and for their ashes to be kept at the columbarium. traditionally such exhumation is done by the families of male descendants but all my uncles had died and i don't think my cousins would do so for my grandma. and for my uncle, he was single and has no direct descendants to undertake the exhumation. i knew that doing so would be a huge disturbance to their rest but it is something that has to be done given the government's ongoing program to exhume old graves to make way for new burials. unclaimed graves would be exhumed and the remains kept for 3 years before they are scattered at sea. it would not be nice to allow this to be done especially when we are still around. i decided then to write an email to the agency responsible for exhumation to check what the procedures are, especially when i do not have their death certificates. let's see what they come back with. 

all said and done, i have always enjoyed my visits to the columbarium and the cemetery. i really like the peace and quiet of the place (although it do not do justice to the many untold stories of people resting here). it is a good getaway from the busy and complex world of the living. it relaxes me.

niece & nephew

my maid visited me today and shared quite a bit about my niece and nephew. they still remember me! it's been almost a year since i last contacted them and they both remembered the times we played together and would at times reminisce those moments!

but sadly, for my niece, she has learned to keep quiet and not talk about me. this was so becos whenever she mentioned about me, she'd get a scolding from my brother. other than that, she has grown up well and is now in primary one. as for my nephew, he still talks about me and when his father chide him for that, he would defend me. so funny right? haha... but whenever he did so, my brother would threaten to chase him out of the house and tell him to come live with me. this would send him crying. to a 4-year old kid, being thrown out of the house would be terribly traumatic. and i wondered why the hell my brother would resort to such threats.

my maid also shared a couple of other things with me. my brother continues to constantly demonise me in front of his kids. he would blame me for every thing bad that happened in the family while at the same time attribute all good things to himself. and he always complained that nobody in the family bother to visit the columbarium to pay respects to my parents. i just simply shook my head and kept quiet. those are his opinions and he is entitled to it. it didn't matter to me.

i also learned one interesting thing - that my brother and his wife also feared that one day, my nephew would leave home and come to stay with me (weird right? considering he always threaten my nephew to throw him out of the house). and the fear arose from the many habits they are seeing of my nephew and traits that reminded my brother of me. for example, my nephew would be very nice and greet people (strangers) when he meets them in the lift. he would also bid them good bye when he walks out of the lift... top of it all, my nephew looks more and more like me with time. 

lol!

ps: but seriously, i hope my brother doesn't transfer his negative feelings about me towards his son. i think it is unlikely but i cannot predict my brothers' behaviour once he gets angry. 

mother's day

i felt rather mixed and sad when i get edms on mother's days' merchandise and advertisements being blasted non-stop on radio that suggests to listeners how they should celebrate mother's days. my mum was no longer alive. but of cos, i acknowledged the importance and key roles mothers play in our lives. so...

anyway, happy mother's day (a belated one nonetheless) to all mothers out there. and for those who still have one, go up to them and give them a kiss, or a tight hug. no need to say how much you love them considering how conservative most people still claim themselves to be, although that would be really nice. as for me, i only wish i could have another chance to do it. but that's just wishful thinking. am glad i did give my mum all the hugs she needed and i could give when she was alive. still recall vividly how i hugged her and teased her once a while while watching tv with her. and whenever i did it, she'd make some frivolous comments like "hiau". brings a smile to me whenever i think of it.

so for this year, i could only drop by her resting place and give her my wishes quietly.

a meaningful saturday

saturday was a really meaningful one for me personally. in one trip, i managed to donate sapphie's bowls, paid respects to all the elders in my extended family and gave all the documents to my brother. 

i had wanted to pay respects to my elders for the longest time and finally got about doing it yesterday. i visited the mandai columbarium to pay respects to my late second aunt and uncle (my mum's second sis and her husband). my uncle had passed away less than a month after mum and thus we were not told of his passing. and as i was overseas when they commemorated the 100th day of his passing, i could not be there. so, i have been telling myself that i need to at least pay a visit to the niche to pay my respects to him. it was way overdue. i was happy to see him finally resting in peace and reunited with my aunt.

i also went to the choa chu kang columbarium to pay respects to my parents. i did not go there during tomb sweeping day and thought i should pay them a belated visit. also, with the recent happenings between my brother and i, i felt it was right for me to pay them a visit. but no, my visit was not to seek forgiveness nor to get any agreement. there was no such requirements for i did not do anything wrong. my parents may be gone, but being physically there next to their remains has a calming effect on me. i brought along some flowers to place on their niche too and as i did so, i noted someone had place some flowers there too. managed to also brush off the ashes and dust that had settled on the existing floral arrangements (that i arranged using the flowers from the wreath of mum's funeral). thought they looked very pretty.

as i was at the choa chu kang columbarium, i also made a visit to pay my respects to my paternal grandparents and placed some flowers onto their niche too. i would previously bring mum to pay respects to them but i had not done so since her passing. and thus, i thought it was high time i pay them a visit. last but not least, i also placed some flowers onto the niche of my mum's third sister. it had been slightly more than 12 years since she passed away, but looking at her photo, it seemed like just not too long ago when i spoke with her.

it was a trip that brought my one round the island. but it was a meaningful one for me. i felt very at peace after the trip, and i must add, somewhat emotional. it was indeed a good saturday.

清明2016

this year's 清明节 (tomb-sweeping day) will fall on 4 apr 2016, tomorrow. in singapore (and i am not about its practice elsewhere), we will head to the cemetery/ columbarium, etc to pay respects to our deceased members of our families and it can be done up to 10 days before and up to 10 days after the actual day. that is to say, there is a window of 21 days to commemorate 清明节 every year. 

for mum, it will be her first 清明节 and we've been advised by the undertaker previously that we have to commemorate it early, before the actual day and that means latest by today (3 apr 2016). frankly, i don't wish to do it. i find it a terrible hassle to head to the place to do all the prayers etc. it is rather meaningless as i personally think the person exist in the heart and that heading to the columbarium to pay respects is not needed. perhaps it is relevant during the days when cemeteries were far away and where people visit tombs once a year. but in today's context, i personally think it'll be more important to remember the person rather than the act of going to the tomb (or for that matter, the columbarium). nonetheless, in the spirit of traditions and fulfilling my duties as the son, i will would have to do it. yet on the other hand, i don't feel too good about it. have been feeling rather down lately. am still reeling from sapphie's death and frankly have not fully adjusted to a house without her. and with the undercurrents with my brother (especially over the house my mum left behind, and the maid), i really do not wish to see him. also, whenever it comes to tomb-sweeping day, he will also have this differences in view about paying respects to my grandparents too. for me, i will do it, but for him, he liked to transfer his tensions towards my aunts onto my late grandparents and thus refused to pay respects to them. that had always been a source of anger for my mum when she was alive. but well... added to all these, i have not fully recovered from my recent bout of conjunctivitis and am still a little feverish. well, the redness has largely cleared, but there were a couple of small sty that appeared and its not very comfortable. 

in the end, and balancing all the factors above, i decided to tell my brother i won't be going for to the columbarium (using my health as an excuse). nonetheless, i purchased all the joss papers, boxes, etc and passed them to him yesterday. i dropped them outside his residence and i left. and for some reasons, when i left his house, i felt a little overwhelmed with emotions and i cried as i drove home. memories of my mum came crashing back... yup, one of those moments again. although it hardly happens these days.

sighs.

7th death anniversary

today, we commemorated dad's seventh death anniversary.

time flies. 

dongzhi 2014

dongzhi (冬至）or the winter solstice falls on 22 dec 2014 (tomorrow). but since it is a monday, we decided to commemorate it today instead. and that kept me busy whole day. helped my sis-in-law do the preparations and the cooking before heading to the columbarium to pay respects to my late-dad. so... 

yeah, made the tangyuan (汤圆) as well nonya chap chye. simple fare, but one helluva lot of work!

i am so tired now...

:-)

of houseflies & grandfathers

i was at my brother's place last weekend and as we were having dinner, my 4-year old niece suddenly called out "ah gong is here" as she pointed her finger towards my side. i had goosebumps that very moment. for that very second, i thought she saw my father's ghost and he was standing beside me. i took a quick glance and no, there was nothing there. it felt totally eerie. seeing there was nothing, i asked where was my dad (her grandfather) and she pointed to somewhere beside me again... and this time, she added "there, the housefly".

i had a good laugh! well, i recollected that very moment that whenever we went to pay respect to my dad at the columbarium, there would always be a housefly that fly around the offerings and often, this housefly would settle onto the food. and when this happens, my brother would tell my niece that that housefly was "my dad". that his spirit had gone into the housefly and he had returned to receive our offerings. 

well, yes, such reasoning was totally out of this world, but that was something that people of the days passed believed. i had been told by my parents (who in turn, learned from my paternal grandma) that the moth that frequently visited my old house was that of my paternal grandfather. haha... it really sounded nonsensical to me these days. but seriously, as a kid, i really believed and i would always have this unsettled feeling that also include both fearful, as well as respect, whenever a moth came into the house.

:-)

6th anniversary

today is my dad's 6th anniversary.

seemed like my bother and my second sis remembered. and i admittedly, had forgotten about it. anyway, mum as usual was all so anxious the whole morning it was almost impossible to maintain my patience and my cool. but i did, with lots of restrain. she was pestering me about buying the offerings, the food, the joss papers, etc... and she couldn't take no for an answer. not only that, she also wanted to buy offerings for my grandparents, something that never fail to irk my brother, and often end up with angry moments. well, thankfully, the day passed sufficiently well.

my brother was his usual self. reminiscing everything on the day of my dad's passing. and so, he would go like, oh, this time, he was asleep 6 years ago. ahhh, this time he was talking to... rather weird for me, i must say. and he also did the typical paying of respects such as talking to my dad's tablet at the columbarium like he would my dad when he was alive, asking my dad to come to eat the offerings, to see his grandchildren, etc... and to top it off, he asked my dad for lottery numbers. well, it was not something i didn't expect but it was just interesting to see him this way. something that i have not seen anyone do for ages, not since my mum did this when i was a kid. and of cos, mum did the same, she asked my dad to bless her with good health, with help her manage her pain, etc. things went rather well, i must say.

and as for my second sis, this was interesting. she was never on good terms with my dad and till today, has not gotten over my dad's bias towards her. my dad had always favoured my eldest sis and this left a huge scar on my second sis.  she never recovered, till today. anyway, she whatsapp me and told me it is dad's 6th anniversary and asked if i would be paying my respect. dad passed away at 6.54pm 6 years ago and i got a message from her at 6.48pm... it says "6.48pm now". clearly, she was counting down to his final moments of departure. i half expect her to be feeling mixed and a tat troubled. then again, i am just guessing. 

i don't know about my eldest sis, we are not on talking terms. but for the rest of the family, it seemed so clear that they have not moved on from dad's passing. and oh, by the way, today is dad's gregorian calendar anniversary and not his lunar calendar anniversary. that is perhaps something that we do that differ from other chinese families...

:-)

dad's anniversary

time flies. my dad left us 6 years ago. and frankly, i had forgotten about his death anniversary if my brother had not mentioned about it just now. we will be heading to the columbarium to pay our respects to him tomorrow. it's gonna be a long busy day...

:-)

清明 2014

went to the columbarium with my brothers' family to pay respects to my dad and grandparents as part of 清明 2014 on sunday.

this years trip was a really difficult one for me. was not feeling well due to my cough and blocked nose and didn't get enough sleep the night before. and mum had been going non-stop about having to buy this and buy that for the prayers since friday. but that is my mum. she gets superbly anxious when it comes to going temples and columbarium. and that was how she behaved when i took her to the market sunday morning. she was going over the shopping list in her mind. you need to get joss sticks, joss papers, a box of offerings, and huat kueh, and oranges, and... she went on and on and on non-stop despite me telling her that my brother had gotten everything needed. even then, she insisted that i should get some of the items cos the offering was from me and not my brother.

i came home from breakfast feeling drained and uncomfortable and collapsed into my bed. it was about 1pm before i finally dragged myself up and head to my brother's place. we finally went to pay our respects in the evening around 6pm. by then, the place was quiet and most families had left. i always find visiting the cemetery in the evening around dusk to be very therapeutic. it was peaceful and quiet. i remembered once before where i went to the cemetery at night just to relax and calm myself down. that was a long time back, most of the tombstones at the cemetery had been removed and the bodies exhumed.

and that was how we observed 清明 2014.

in again

mum felt unwell again today. nonetheless, she insisted on going to the columbarium to pay respects to dad and grandparents. we did that first thing in the morning. second sis came along and surprisingly, the columbarium was quite crowded. we came home at about 11plus in the morning and once we arrived at the condo car park, she vomited again. brought her home and wash up and send her in to the hospital straightaway.

this was the second time in two days that she vomited. when she vomited yesterday, i wanted to bring her in but she insisted she was ok. i knew she didn't like to visit the hospital for she knows that she would be warded. also, if i understood her well enough, she wanted to do the reunion dinner and cross the lunar new year at home, and to do prayers to dad and grandparents today. when she vomited again (after all the prayers) today, i suggested heading to the hospital and she agreed. she's in the critical care ward as i am blogging this entry and i have been told she needs to be admitted. 

thinking about it, it reminded me of dad's 100th day prayers. at that time, she insisted on doing the prayers for him and had moved back to stay with my brother, where an altar had been set-up for dad. she was so insistent on doing the prayers but on the 99th day, her body gave way and she had to be admitted. this time round, my brother had told her he would be offering prayers to my dad for the new year, but he refused to do the same for my grandparents as he had been harbouring lots tensions towards my uncle and aunties. and so she kept pestering me to do the prayers instead.

sighs.

1st birthday

my nephew celebrated his first birthday 2 days ago (technically, it's 3 days cos it's past midnight now) on the 12 dec. 

very fast right? it seemed like only yesterday that we were at the ward awaiting his birth. and for his birthday, my sis-in-law had prepared quite a bit of stuff whereas my brother had gone to the columbarium to pay respect to my dad, and to tell him of the good news. yup, my brother still visit my dad's niche and talk to him like as though he is still alive.

as for me and my mum, we did not attend the celebration. mum was in hospital and i didn't want to go to his place… i didn't want to head there and face my brother's consistently black face too. for that matter, i had to visit mum at the hospital too.

so...

joker (late) dad

dad was a very jovial person when he was alive. he would go around joking with people so much so that it was never possible to take him seriously. and even after he passed away, he continued poking fun at people... here's what happened.

last fortnight, i got a missed call from my uncle (my dad's brother). i didn't call back but learned from my aunt yesterday that my uncle felt very uneasy when his son (my cousin) told him about his dream. apparently, my dad appeared in my cousin's dream and my cousin asked him how he was. he replied that he was very miserable and that he was upset that my brother did not bring his children to see him... my cousin related this dream to my uncle, and he felt sufficiently uneasy to call my aunt to ask her how to manage (my dad) this. when my aunt related this story to me, my first reaction was one of disbelief. wow, i thought, how can anyone still believe in dreams?! then again, i reckon it is not courteous to brush away people's sharing. it was clearly an important issue to them and thus, i should not dismiss her sharing. i simply told her that i myself could not understand cos my brother has consistently been bringing his children to pay respect to him at the columbarium. my aunt just laughed it off.

i related this story to my mum and we concluded that dad must be making fun of people again, something that he did all the time when alive. and interestingly enough, at the columbarium today, my mum chided him about telling my cousin about my brother not bringing his children to pay respects to him. frankly, it was a little funny. but the way mum spoke to dad, it seemed like as though he was alive and sitting in front of her! but well, such is the belief system of my mum, my brother and my relatives. and i can only respect everything they do. 

:-)

44th anniversary

made a trip to the columbarium today to pay respect to my late grandfather. this coming wednesday would be his 44th death anniversary. been a long while since he left us and all i remembered of him was how the extended family came together to mourn his passing, his huge traditional chinese coffin and the sweeping of his grave... still, family is family. time cannot wipe away the fact that he was my grandfather and that he had protected and dotted on my mum when my dad and grandmother ill-treated her. and till this day, my mum still hold him in very high regard. and looking at how she, an 81 year old person, still call out fondly to them, ah pa and ah yee, gave me a little goose bumps... 

:-)

5th anniversary

it would be dad's 5th death anniversary in 2 day's time.

had almost forgotten about it until this morning when i casually spoke about going to the columbarium to pay respects to him.

time flies.

picture from www.flowers-magzine.com

breakfast

i brought mum out for breakfast today.

my spine was totally off today and it was very uncomfortable. such discomfort occurs whenever i miss my routine work-out for more a couple of days, and i had not had a good work out for a couple of days. i had wanted to have a good work out last evening when after a call, my mum went bonkers and i decided to call it off.

as i drove mum out for breakfast, i fidgeted quite a bit in the car and let off a couple of sighs. it was very uncomfortable. mum was extra sensitive and asked why i sighed. i told her about the pain and about how i had missed my workout. once again, she became defensive and said she did not stop me. and after that her mood changed. she became quiet. 

throughout breakfast, she pulled a long face. and she did not want to talk. when i asked her what she wanted to eat for dinner, she said i should just buy her bread and that i should not bother to cook for her. it was obvious she was emo-ing. i didn't respond to her mood-swing but simply walk her around the market. we walked pass the joss paper shop and i casually asked if she wanted to head to the columbarium to pay respects to my late dad. that brightened her up. she agreed right away. suddenly she was so full of energy and asked me to buy lots of stuff such as offerings for the gods, for dad, for my grandparents etc...

well, for now, she seemed ok. let's hope her moods are maintained.

meaningful unemployment

it has been almost 6 months since i left my previous company. i will start work next week. looking back, i am glad to have spend time well catching up with myself, consolidating a lot of things, as well as catching up with with family and friends, many of whom i had not been able to catch up for a long while. it was indeed a good break. 

this week is my final one before i start work. and since i got the offer, i have been inundated with many calls asking time for lunch, tea, dinner etc... and it seemed like suddenly i do not have enough time for myself and people around me. and coincidentally, my supervisor in the university also called me up again asking me to meet up for lunch. and knowing that there is no such thing as a free lunch, i was sure his intention was to get me to conduct lessons for him again cos the new academic semester for his masters course would be starting soon. i told myself i needed to prioritize.

and gladly, i think i managed to do this part relatively well. there were 3 priorities for me this week. firstly, i need to give thanks and show appreciation to those who matter, to spend time with bee and to spend time with mum. so, i bought the friend who gave me the connections to get this job a lunch on monday. i thought this was most important and necessary. we need to forever remember to give thanks for people who help us. secondly, i made time for bee and for mum. for bee, we have not gone for a break since our perth trip in jul 2009 before i left service and i felt it is very important to spend good time with him. but things did not turn out well as he came faced with some difficulties at home last minute. nonetheless, we managed to spend a day out together yesterday. as for mum, i wanted to create something meaningful for her. i had originally planned to bring her to kl/ ipoh. but this did not materialize for all sorts of reasons. nonetheless, i am not too disappointed. i will still be able to make this weekend a meaningful one for her as we (together with my brother and his family) will head to the columbarium to pay respect to my grandparents and dad as part of this year's 清明 observance.

other than that, every other appointments can wait.

many have asked me if i am excited about heading back to work. frankly, i don't know. on one hand, i can say i am not really excited per se cos it means an end to my carefree lifestyle, one that i have gotten used to somewhat over time. from this angle, going back to work is quite a chore. yet, i know i have to given the practicality of life. after all, i need to bring food to the table and as it stands, if i do not start work, i will have to start borrowing monies to sustain my livelihood. on the other hand, i am a little anxious about it given the fact that it is the first time i will be working in a corporate environment, and that i will not have many subordinates (actually only one) per se. but well... things will come. like it or not, i will start work next week. and yes, all things said and done, i look forward to it.

:-)

picture from http://www.hartlandmassage.com