Someone help me!

A mail to my close friends exactly 2 months and 8 days after I broke off with James

Gene/ Kenneth,

I really do not know who else to turn to now. I am at
my wits end and need to offload my thoughts very very
badly. I am still finding so much problem trying to
live my life but still cannot help but think/worry abt
james and his well-being.

Today, I cried. Very badly. Frankly, while I really
want to move on. I admit am still not over James. This
week, Su How went for a holiday with his friends. I am
not too happy about it as I felt he is not spending
his money well and that this trip is totally uncalled
for. But that is another story. I do have some issues
with him over his insecurities and his unspoken and
long denied lust for attention by other gay men. I
don't blame him and I have always reminded myself that
I should try very hard not to impose my views on him
in anyway. Nonetheless, his insecurities sometimes can
be really a big problem to me. But that is another
story.

About James, he moved out on 31 Dec. I called him up
for a meal and to pass him some stuff over the last
weekend but he was not free due to his work (as
usual). So he agreed to meet up today for lunch. I
arrived at the location a li'l late but he was not
there yet and I gave him a call. Did not expect, but
recieved a rude shock when he shouted at me that he
was on his way when I asked him nicely if he had
arrived. I guess he realized his curt reply when he
repeated his answer in a more toned down manner.

I felt horrible. Naturally, when he arrived, I felt no
need to stay long with him and wanted to leave once I
finished my lunch. I felt unwelcome. He asked me to
stay to read my book while he worked and told me he
couldn't talk with me as he was busy. It was a silent
afternoon and while I occasionally spoke with him, his
answer was again, monotoned and dead. But often, I
would see him sniggle and smile and I soon realised
that despite his busy-ness and that fact that I was
with him, he had been on the chatline with his
friends. On top of that, he had been busy with smses
whole afternoon. I left after that.

Somehow, on my way home, I was so overcome with
loneliness and my missing James. Reflecting, I kept
reminding myself why I had left him, all the usual
about lack of attention, overly committed to the point
of obsession with his work, etc and often I would be
glad that I had left him. Then again, I still cannot
get over him for I still really love him and would
many a times chose to want to overlook all these
msigivings. I know it is a passing phase, but for now,
it is really killing me.

Since he left, my insomnia ahs gotten worst. I had not
dare to sleep without having my room lights on. It is
often too unbearable to have the feeling of having the
whole room to myself and yet all his stuff still in
the room.

I do not know how to manage myself and had cried much
of late. Still had not got over the fact that he left
the house without a single goodbye and just packed his
necesary clothing and left. Till now, his things are
still all over and found myself to even have to pack
his things for him in this break-up. And I had no
choice for if not, my mum will not have a place to
sleep properly. (My mum has been giving me lots of
problems lately such as wanting to sleep with me,
etc... well, another story....)

Abt James and his reactions, I felt very hurt. While I
understand his pain and feeling, I think he should
move on and not give me all these. IApart from his
usual very self-centric manner of seeing and managing
things, i do think he feels good knowing that he is
killing me with all these non-responses. it's been
more than 2months and I now really think he is doing
it out of revenge.

Since school term started, I had been worried sick
about his health, his obsession with his work, his
schedules, he late nights/ early mornings, his working
to death approach (to which over the last many years,
I have to wake up to make ginseng for him, etc,
etc)... cannot help it.

While I had been angry with him over the last 2 months
occasionally when he lived with me such as when he
forgot to buy bread for my mum despite having reminded
him and ending up with my mum having to eat left over
rice, and that he did not even bother to apologize to
my mum. His messing of things up and often, taking
things for granted, etc... but I have overlooked all
these and chosen to still continue to pamper him and
to try to talk to him. Somehow, I still feel I owe him
lots. My smses to him had been met with non-response
sometimes and many times monosyllabic answers. I am at
my wits end and I am feeling really very hurt by all
these.

I guess I am just not good at managing my own
break-up. I am suffering altho I was the one who
initiated the break-up. I kept telling myself I have
to move on. But ended up getting in loops of
depressions/ near depression.

Sorry if I had sounded totally out for now. But I need
to offload. Please ignore this mail if i sounded
crazy.

Hugs.

New Year, New Beginnings

2005 had been a defining year for me in all aspects - personal, work, home, health etc. I have ended 2005 with James moving out of our house after living together for 7 years.

Ironically, even though I was the one who initiated the break-up on 1 Nov last year, I had not expected mysdelf to be so affected... even until now. Occasionally, the feeling of missing him would just hit me from no where and I would break into tears. Since he left the house, I had not dare to sleep with the lights off. Not sure why, but I felt very insecure. My insomnia has got worst. His smell still lingers in the bed.

Nonetheless, I have to move on. I have to also make all efforts to reach out to him. I would still like to be his friend. He has treated me coldly thus far. My smses has been either ignored or responded late and with monosyllabic answers most of the time. But I understand his anger, I understand his pains. I can only apologise.