Reflections of a Prostitute

So much for the eye-catching title. This will probably be my last entry for this year - a year of recovery and growth for me. Too much have happened since my last entry and have decided to pen what comes to my mind now.

Family
Dad has yet again gone in and out of hospital. Well, not without another scare though. He went into a state of hypoglycaemia again two months back. This time, it was in the morning and I luckily decided to take a day’s leave for a break. Went out for breakfast with Su How and as I drove into the car park at Siglap, I got a call telling me that my dad has collapsed in his sleep and could not be woken up. An ambulance was called and again, he escaped death by a mere few minutes. He managed to recover after a few days in the hospital. I surprised myself by being so composed through the whole evacuation and I was even able to guide the SCDF medic in his administering of the IV and pre-empting him about my dad getting violent etc.

As for mum, she had a little scare too when she went for her colonoscopy as the scope showed blood swellings in her large intestines. Initially suspected it could be cancer-related or piles. After a series of tests and another colonoscopy last month, she was given a clean bill of health today when she went for her review.

Well, I guess these occurrences are to be expected especially when both of my parents in their mid-70s. Let’s hope that 2007 will be a good and healthy year for them both.

Friends
This year, my closer AJ friends at work have slowly lessen contacts with each other. This, in part, was due to the fact that a few have chosen to leave my organisation after being out-ed. They have decided that it was just not logical to be working for an organisation that continues to sideline us.

But on the brighter side, I have made some new and very nice friends. These are friends of Su How and whom I hang out with rather often over the last few months. Their age ranges from early 20s to late 30s. This made me the oldest amongst them. I am thankful that they have embraced me as part of their clique so naturally. I look forward to interacting more with them in the months to come.

Work
Life has largely reverted to normal and I have not been disturbed by my security office significantly this year. Nonetheless, their presence have always been felt as I have to update them of my visits overseas. The usual drill for me as part of my agreement with my security office. Seemed kind of irrational as far as I am concerned but guess I have to abide by it since I have decided to stay on till end-2008. Many a times, I feel no different from a prostitute. Working and forgoing all my personal rights and constantly living in psychological stress because of the money. Ironic that an organisation that places Ethics as one of its tenets have resorted to systematically witch-hunt and marginalised people like us this way in the name of image, confidence and security.

Health
I consider 2006 a recovery/ healthy year for me despite the fact that I suffered a series of non-stop flu almost every 2 months. This was perhaps expected as I had stopped running since I suffered a hairline fracture to my ankle last year. Well, my ankle has almost fully recovered and I am now able to do short runs without suffering any pains. Also, my irregular hearbeats, chest pains, epilepsy, asthma and other health problems that surfaced in 2005 have not relapse. My urine & blood tests had also shown normal readings for lipids, sugars, protein etc. And that was a good sign.

Self, etc
Celebrated my 40th birthday last week. Su How was really nice to arrange a birthday dinner for me with some of our friends. It seemed like I have never really had a proper birthday celebration with my friends for the longest time ever. My birthdays over the past 6 years had always been with James. And that was all that mattered to me then. Nothing beats spending birthdays with the one you love so much. It’s been more than a year since I asked him to let me go. It was for the better of both of us. There was just too much gap between us after all these years. I cannot wait for him to make time to me anymore. We have stopped growing as a couple. Also, I feel I have begun to come in way of his career progression. I cannot afford to do it, especially not with the possibility of my security office constantly hounding me/ us. It will not be fair for him to share this burden too.

I also reflected, on my 40th birthday, on people who had been a part of my life, what I had achieved, who I had interacted with over the last 40 years, etc. Seemed like every drop of sweat and blood that I have put in for my organisation over the past 20 over years has come to a nought since being out-ed by my security office in Apr last year. For me now, my responsibility at work is, first and foremost, to myself, my pride, my students and my school. I abide by my code of conduct as a teaching staff of my school. However, I do say that my responsibility to my organisation certainly did not resonate so much after that defining moment last year. For my personal life, James featured big time in my reflections. Somehow cannot but still miss him so much. He has been in my mind daily. Till date, he's been keeping the distance. Guess I'd hurt him too much. Su How mentioned that we are like a divorced couple – me having custody of our dog and he coming over so often to pick her up for an outing. Still, he chose to avoid open conversation with me. SMS is the primary mode of our correspondences now. Have many a times wanted to ask him out for a meal or a show but somehow decided against it for I am sure he will not agree to it. Will let him initiate, if he ever will. Also, his things remained in my house.

Yesterday, I brought my mum for a medical appointment. I chanced upon a self-help/ information brochure that spoke about anxiety and anxiety-related problems. I struck me that many of the health-problems (such as suspected epilepsy, chest pains, stress, fear of going to work, insomnia, emotional and psychological stress/ problems etc) that I had experienced over the last year and some till now are all anxiety-related. As I read, it mentioned that the cause could usually be traced to a trauma of sorts. Then, it struck me that all my health related problems could be traced to my being out-ed by my security office. The sense of betrayal and anger returned momentarily. This was made worst when I received news that two of my friends have also been called up in recent weeks. All these made me I feel tremendously helpless.

I have 2 more years left with my organisation. I will continue to give my best in these remaining two years. I will continue to give my best and be professional at work. That, is the least I can do for the organisation that pays me.

Doesn’t that make me I sound like a prostitute?

2006 has seen many new developments in my life, my health, my family and the people around me. I hope 2007 will be smooth and healthy one for me.

Merry Christmas to one and all and Happy 2007 too.


PS: Just for the records, I made quite a bit of holidays/ overseas trips this year! Managed to go to Australia (Sydney), Thailand (Bangkok), Hong Kong SAR, Indonesia (Official visit and Exchange programme) and Malaysia!

I wish him Peace and Love

Tony (my Bee's ex) has gone Beijing to work since a couple of months back.

It was with great apprehensions when I started to send Fridae hearts to him since he scolded me (and I understand his doing so). And when I got returned hearts from him, I was elated. I thought he has slowly come to accept me and that I now have a chance to get to know him eventually as a friend.

In fact, I began to look forward to receiving hearts from him and it has also become quite a (obsessive) habit of mine to look out for his returned hearts in my heart box and yahoo mails. I also often wondered if the hearts I send reached him or whether the hearts he returned got bumped out of my heartbox as my heartbox has limited capacity (cos I am no longer a Perk member).

Then today, I recieved a mail from him telling me that I am causing him un-peace/ distress by sending him hearts and asked that I stopped doing so. Well, I guess he will never believe me if I were to tell him that my doing so was with good intentions and sincere wish to know him. Also, I was hoping that by doing so, it would ameliorate any hurt that I have caused him previously. Whatever the case, I guess I will have to let go of him and my hope of ever getting to know him as a friend.

I wish him Peace and Love.

My Dad

Things have been happening so fast I sometimes wondered if I am ever in control of them. The past month was like a dream. Went to Sydney for a break with my Bee Bee, had the opportunity to meet up with my cousin and his partner, my dad was hospitalised for a fall and 3 fractured ribs; and again 3 weeks later for acute confusion due to hypoglycaemia, the course I had been busy with at work has finally ended yesterday, the major project I was handling has progress rather well, now in the midst of applying for a masters programme in NIE, etc etc etc...

Some of the more interesting things that happened/ I have asked and reflected over the past couple of weeks include:

- The 2 dieties in my parents place have been with my family since (accordingly to my mum) my great great grandparents time. And much as I feel sentimental about it, I have allowed my brother to take ownership of it - for I know mine is a dead-end road. I cannot possibly have any offspring to take care of it.

- Last week, while bringing my mum to buy joss paper for the seventh month, my mum shared with me a lot of juicy stories about my grands, their reolationships and her younger days. Seemed just as drama as today's soap opera :) will put it in writing some other time.

- As for my dad, not too sure of his condition. I warded him into the hospital after I was woken up by an eerie howl at 3am last Monday and found him lying on my balcony floor wailing and crying. Yet, he was in a state of deep-sleep. His tongue was fully extended and his lips were black. He was rolling on the floor and he kept pulling his leg, head and slapping himself. Then he pissed in his pants. I was not able to wake him up despite slapping him, pinching him, etc. It was a scary scene that woke the neighbourhood. After two hours, he started talking to me in a high pitch voice. Freakish! He was diagnosed with hypoglycaemia possibly due to an overdose of insulin and made worst by low carbo-intake. Despite this diagnosis by the doctor, I couldn't help but wonder if there are other forces at work. The temple medium advised that we must bring him to the temple soonest. Seemed like these sort of things always happened before the seventh month... been so for the past couple of years.

Whatever the case, whether the cause is purely medical-related or of other unknown supernatural reasons, I have to look after him. He is an old man, the least I can do is to help him live his life happily and peacefully in his golden years.

Aimless Reflections

Been a while since I last wrote and thought it'll not be very nice to go MIA for too long :) and also, I do not want to look back sometime down and wonder about why the vacuum here...

Over the past month or so....

Work
Well, got my class proper and it's been keeping me heluva busy. My routine has been revolving around nothing but class, class and class. And to make things extra bad, I have to conduct several lectures and was also given project after project after project by my boss. Think I was rather productive too I must say... 2 - 3 papers to management, completed a major project, all juggling all these while I have a full-time commitment to my class from 8 - 5.30pm each day. And at times up to 10pm... one more big project to go for this month.

Life
My obligations to my work left me with hardly anytime for myself, friends and my family. Regretful, but I promise myself it'll only for these 3 months. Was rather upset when my partner scratched my car while parking it two weeks back, quite a bad one too. But guess on the positive side, it forced me to take public transport and to sent my car for repair and the much needed servicing.

Family
Spur of the moment, brought my parents for a day trip to Malacca on 30 Apr with my partner. Ended up going all the way there just to eat chicken rice. My mum couldn't walk due to her knee problems. Very tiring and my car almost broke down as I have not sent it for servicing for more than 3 months (more than 30K km!). Well, made it back safely. Considered it time well spent as it was my parent's first trip to Malacca :) As for my mum, took her for her colonosis and thank goodness, verdict's ok. Apart from some minor piles, she had been given a clean bill of health.

Partner
Rather glad that my partner has got on rather good terms with my (str8) friends. Have gone out on numerous occasions and can see that they got along pretty well with him :)

Friends
Had a little reunion of sorts with my Uni friends and I cooked some of my favourite dishes for them. It's a wonder how we have not changed much, other than the fact that we have grown a bit older. As usual, the girls (or rather, I should call them aunties now) got along talkiing about their kids, going to school, yada yada yada,... managed to catch up with a uni friend, a very special one, when he came to Sgp on one of his business trip. He is now married with 2 daughters. Nonetheless, we had a good time reminiscing about the old days. Thinking about it, we could have ended up together if I had accepted my sexuality at that time. We ended up avoiding each other. Anyway, am glad we are back on talking terms.

Life has been rather routine I must say. But I guess it is in such routine activities that we find life meaningful. Not exciting, but to me, rather enriching. Have booked a trip to Sydney with my partner and a friend in June. Looking forward to it :)

Bitchy Ah Lian at Spotlight

Was at Spotlight last week, saw this Chinese Ah Lian lady (let's call her Bitchy Ah Lian henceforth) in the queue and making a big fuss as she had to waited for sometime to be served. She accused the counter girl at the top of her voice (who happens to be a Malay) for being a racist as she had attended to the Malay customer first (my first hand witness account - of cos she had to attend to the Malay woman first as the Malay woman was in front of the queue!!!). The Bitchy Ah Lian shouted at her and scolded her non-stop for ignoring her although she had spend so much money in Spotlight. The poor girl explained to her that she was not racist but just attending to a customer who is in front of her. Poor girl. Nonetheless, she held her cool.

Amidst all this din, the supervisor came and tried to cool the Bitchy Ah Lian down. She also said something to the effect that we are all Singaporeans and that we should not see each other along racial line, ie as being Chinese or Malay. Unfortunately, being a Malay herself (the Supervisor), she also kenah scolding by the Bitchy Ah Lian. The poor cashier then loose her cool and walked off. But that was after she told off that Bitchy Ah Lian that she has no reason to be racist as her husband is Chinese...

Many customers, myself included, walked passed the Bitchy Ah Lian and shook our head in disbelief and disgust. I went up to the Malay girl and told her she was ok and that the Bitchy Ah Lian was being unreasonable. She smiled and thanked me for my encouragement.

Passed by Spotlight again on Tue and saw the same Bitchy Ah Lian there again talking to a Chinese (supposedly) manager. This time she was smiling and laughing away cos the Chinese manager was `carrying' her. Sets me thinking why Spotlight has stooped so low as to carry such customers? I would have just lodge a police report on the Bitchy Ah Lian for unruly behaviour! And for that moment, I wondered if the Malay cashier had been sacked... would be a pity if she has.

For the record, I wondered aloud, if she is rich enough (as she claimed), why did she have to shop at Spotlight? Also, I noticed she wore the same red blouse at both occasions... doesn't that say something?... perhaps she needs to do some self-reflection...

My Dog who thinks she is a Reindeer

Sapphie likes role-playing. At times, she'd role-play as a reindeer and at times, she'd imagine she's a squirrel... :) & when she's in the `I-am-a-Squirrel' mood, she'd like to crack hazelnuts, de-shell them and pick out the nuts inside before eating it... and as a reindeer, she'd run (gallop) around the house with her horns and her tennis ball! :)

nice huh? :)

Well, I sometime wonders if I really have a dog, a squirrel or what... heh heh.... ;)

About Teachers and Ethical Conduct...

Read an article in the Sunday Times LIFE! section today. The article was about weblogs, teachers writing their diaries in their blogs to be specific. This article reminded me about an incident that happened sometime back with a teacher friend (ex-friend perhaps) of mine. Not exactly about weblogs but rather, it was about his activist approach in the net towards his students.

You see, there is a forum site in a popular local gay web and within this forum, there is a thread that was started by gay students of a well-reputed JC. This is perhaps one of the more active threads by a group of gay JC student body. At that time, there was a lot of gossip about their speculations of which teacher is/ is not gay. Not very constructive and very very pa-kua. What this teacher friend of mine (who was teaching at that JC) did was that he came out to these students in the forum thread and posted his encouragements to his (gay) students. His response was to the effect of asking them to get together and form their own groupings within their college so that gay students would have a voice.

I shared with him my uneasiness about his activist-centric posting as I felt he might have stepped out of the limits of his professional-self as a teacher of the JC and that this was not ethical. Whatever the case, he responded in the most hostile manner chiding me for being closeted, etc etc, etc and that it was because there are people like me that makes things so difficult for gay activists locally.

That may be his views, but I seriously believed that he has overstepped his boundaries as a teacher. I strongly believe that one should be clear about one's professional conduct that should be guided by a certain professional ethical guidelines and never overlap it with one's personal gay-activist-related agenda (such as fighting for more recognition for gays in Singapore).

I mean, I was not against sharing with the students his views about being gay and to counsel them if they need advice in sexuality issues (as what most schools are doing). In fact, in coming out to them, he might be in a better position and credibility to support their emotional well-being if they need help and that would be a good thing. But to encourage them to become activists was something I personally felt was not correct and definitely not what a teacher should do.

Whatever, the case, my sharing with him about my uneasiness resulted in a heated exchange of smses and accusations that ended very badly. While I respected his passion for his activistism, I felt it was not productive to engage him further as he had taken the issue personally and refused to give me a chance to share my views.

What do you think? Has he stepped overboard? I remembered my ex sharing with me that he (the teacher) had told him that he was aware of his actions and was in fact looking for an exit in the event that MOE gets to him.

On a more personal front, he was also the same person who has been a source of tension between me and my ex through the last few years and that also contributed to eventual breakdown of communications between me and my ex. Well, that, is another story.

2006 so far... very Drama

Relationship

I have moved on (well, almost...). And I know that I will never be able to completely say I have move on in totality. He will always be very dear to me. Forever.

Since he moved out, he would occasionally bring the dog home to stay with him (for a couple of days). It's not unlike a divorced couple who brings the kid home for a visit every so often. Nonetheless, he remained cold to me. My smses to him continue to be responded with neutral replies at best. It's usually a `I have something on' kinda reply. Well, I reckoned he will have to stop being angry with me and move on too. I am sure he will understand why I did it in time to come. I still believe it is for the best despite the pains and the hurt that we'll have to go through during this period of recovery.

Since his moving out, I have often wondered about his health, about whether he takes care of himself, whether he has eaten well, etc. Guess this has become a habit cos during the past years when we were together, I'd busy myself by looking after him and his needs, make herbal soup, reminding him to sleep early, etc while he focused on his work.In deciding to end this unbalanced relationship, I have to accept that both of us would be hurt and to manage the emotions. I do admit I still worry and think of him a lot but I guess I cannot let sentimentality rule me. I have moved on as much as I possibly could in the last 4 months. Not easy. Not easy at all.

His things remained in my house and he continues to hold on to the house key, car park disks etc... and I have also consistently visited his home to pass his letters to him (by putting them in his shoe cabinet). And I'd also at times drive through the multi-storey car park to see his car. He has still not purchase the season parking, choosing to use overnight coupons. Somehow, I felt responsible for it. Then again, I cannot manage these things for him anymore.My worrying and thinking about him has been a source of tension between me and my current partner and I understand his frustrations at times. But over time, with much reassurance, he has accepted that this is something that I have to go through and we have both come to manage this together.

Work

Things have been well, perhaps being overworked a bit, but smooth. Came out to my boss and he has been very supportive. Thankful of that altho I cannot but feel a bit sceptical about it. About my security office, they have hands off me for a while other than a small and perhaps unwarranted email by a junior chap reminding me that I have to be professional about my conduct (warped isn't it? seemed to suggest that my professionalism is affected becos I am gay and that a junior person has the audacity (and authority?) to tell me off! Professionalism? Ironic right? Guess he needs to reflect on it himself!)... then again, not too bothered about it and just ignored his mail. Interestingly enough, my boss also thought I should just ignore him! :) Think my salary is more important to me than all the shit from the security office. I have given my boss the assurrance that I will not allow my sexuality get into the way of my work (not that it has over the last 20 years!) and I also want to prove to everyone in this homophobic organisation that GLBTs are as capable as any other straight persons.

Health

My ankle has healed 90% and hopefully I can resume my normal exercises by next month! Hurray! Have waited for this for the last 8-9 months!

Family

All has been well but last Tue, I came home from my shopping to find my mum fainted on the floor. You see, she has been suffering from a bout of diarrhea, followed by a few days of constipation. Brought her to the doctor and was prescribed with some laxative. In the evening, she started having diarrhea again and when things seemed a bit more stabilised, I went out to do some shopping.

When I returned, I found the corridor lights switched on and that her clothes and sarongs all strewned on the floor. For a while, I thought she had gone to clear her bowels and had not closed the door and waited in the living room. When there was no response after about 10 minutes, I went to the toilet but could not find her. What I saw made me panicked big time. Not only was her clothes and sarongs strewned all over the floor, but there was a trail of shit from her bed (which had also been badly stained) to the toilet and from the toilet to my room! And I saw her lying on my bedroom floor in a pool of liquid shit! She was really cold and her face and clothes were all wet from her perspiration! And to top things off, her eyes were wide opened! My calls were responded by weak `huhs'...

So many things need to be done all at the same time and for a while, I really gabra-ed. Flood of things ran through my head - my first reaction was to call her and to make her regain consciousness while I called for the ambulance. Made her sit up while I ran to get a change for her. When I returned to the room, I found her unconscious again on the floor! Then I called my boss telling him a need to apply for urgent leave. For the next 5 - 10 minutes (which seemed a lifetime), I was cleaning the shit, changing her sarong, opening all the windows and doors (GAWD!!! was it smelly!) and trying to keep myself composed while waiting for the ambulance to arrive. I was really trembling by then.

At the hospital, she was found to be heavily deydrated and that her intestines has been bloated. Initial scan showed that her bloated intestines has choked up her whole system and that if not corrected, her life would be in danger if she starts to vomit out her faeces (eeks!). According to the doctor, she would probably need a surgery to remove her bad large intestines. Initial tests seemed to also suggest a certain degree of cancer... but thus far, these tests had been non-conclusive and the doctor had since kept her under observation and under strict liquid diet... she's now recuperating in the hospital while awaiting further tests to ascertain if she needs an operation.

Been a scare for everyone in the family. Guess we'll have to manage a step at a time for now.

[oooh, I forgot to mention this - the medic that evacuated her was also rather cute! :-)]

Gubra

Watched Gubra and what went through my head was just so much much more than what Yasmin had set out to do. As mentioned in her blog - "Gubra" is intended to examine one common phenomenon: The simple everyday fact that when we experience betrayal, it is more often than not committed unto us by people who love us; not people who hate us."

What I experienced was a barrage of mixed of emotions related to race, religion, cultural differences, and to a small extend, even sensed a political jab at the Malaysian politics as well as Singaporeans. Also, can't help but think about my childhood days and the kampong lifestyle that was so warm and that I can still remember till today. Let me explain...

For a start, when I walked into the cinema, I noticed that for once, I was surrounded by Malays - men in songkok, women in tudungs, and a few Chinese... no, no, not that I am racist, but rather, it was not often that one experience such a Malay-majority setting in Singapore other than at void deck weddings. And to me, this Malay-majority setting accentuated the feelings of race relations and cultural differences as the scenes unfolded. And this for me, was rather interesting cos all my life, while I have been aware of such race/ religion-divide and have been totally comfortable with my Malay Muslims community, I have never been put in such an artificial environment that would make me, admittedly, a little awkward; and that also evoked a little desire in me to want to show my Malay-side more.

You see, being of half-baba descent (my mum being a Peranakan), I had the advantage of watching and understanding the show without referring to the subtitles (that could not capture certain nuances or for that matter, able to translate everything correctly or quickly enough and that would result in some delayed laughters from the non-Malay audiences). And from this angle, I do consider myself more Malay than a `typical' Chinese Singaporean. Anyway... the feelings of race/ religion-divide soon disappeared as the show progressed.

During the show, I was also able to relate to the frustrations of mak-Jason - her disagreements with her china-pek husband. Cannot help but think of all the challenges my mum went through when she married my dad! I could still remember my mum relating all the problems, discrimination, arguments, etc to me some long time back. Also, mak-Jason's use of the baba-language was a really very nice change from all the all-too-perfect Malay, English, Chinese languages that is being promoted and drilled into us almost daily here :-)

And of cos, the whole setting - kampong, school, hospital etc, just simply reminds me so much of my childhood days in Paya Lebar and Marine Parade... Can't help but reminisce the good old days where visits and exchanges between neighbours of different races occur every other day! Those days do not exist in Singapore anymore.

What I also liked about the show was the fact the Yasmin (through the character Alan - oh, did I mentioned he was soooo cute! well, that is another story!) was able to highlight the frustrations of Malaysian Chinese about their pro-Malays political system and at the same time take a jab at (lack of a better word to use) Singaporeans for their attitude towards Malaysians (when Alan mentioned his ex-Singaporean wife said he [being a Malaysian] was not good enough for her). And all these was very objectively and nicely done, so so unlike Jack Neo's ultra pro-government and politically correct shows :-)

Yes, I felt the `betrayal' that Yasmin had set off to achieve and much more.

Thanks for the experience and congratulations for the beautiful work.

(see also review of the show)

sapphie

name: sapphie aka na na aka jen jen aka ah na dob: 03 Nov 2000 breed: mongrel favourite activity: chasing after tennis balls or anything that bounces favourite food: anything wet and meaty! favourite pastime: sitting at the balcony and watching the world passes by/ sleeping favourite sleeping position: with all four legs up and against the wall bad habits: chasing and eating houseflies most feared animal: cats most feared object: collapsible fence most feared person: veterinarian with needles (& at times, James)

This is my dog, my constant and closest companion at this point in my life since James and I separated. A 6 year-old female mongrel, a product of another male mongrel and a female border collie. Name's Sapphie. Got her some 6 years ago with James from Lester who's border collie was %(^*#$^ by a stray male mongrel over his terrace house gate :)... and gave birth to 8 puppies (of which 7 survived). She was dark brown as a puppy (closer to black) and had a white front right paw. I almost called her White Socks becos of that (and cuter too)! but James felt Sapphie was nicer and more appropriate.

Had a hard time with her when she was a puppy cos she'd chew eveything to bits including my doors, parapets, table legs, chairs, etc... once she even ventured into my room and dragged out all the rubbish in the waste basket. I was so furious I punished her (shan't write what I did lest I get dragged to court and charged for ill-treating my dog...) anyway, her first year was the most trying. Since then, she has learnt many things, been toilet trained and aware that she can go everywhere in the house except the bedrooms.

A very fast learner, she was quick to pick up many commands in her first 2 years. She is now able to understand up to about 20 commands including sit, come, go, heel, down, stay, fetch, drop, paw paw (shake hands), die (to lie on her back with 4 legs in the air), food (eat), water-water (drink), hurry-up! (shit/ pee), jump (over hula hoops), see life (front paw on the balcony to look over the balcony), etc etc etc... :)

Accept me

Was clearing some of my old stuff and came across this poster that I bought some 10 years back (just before I came out). I am still able to identify with the words as I did 10 years ago, although the context is slightly different... then, I was coming to terms with my own sexuality and the acceptance I felt I needed arose from the perception of rejection by everyone around me... this time round, it is more of my thoughts towards my organisation as well as my country. Having gone thru when I went thru last year, where I was outed by my security department and following that, put on all sorts of restrictions on my personal life, the words somehow resonate even more for me this time round. The poster reads:

Accept me

I am I
Do not change me
Condemn me
nor put me down
Accept me for what I am
No... you need not agreee with me
But accept me
for I am total in being
I have faults
I have my guilts
But that is who I am
Perfect I will never be
Allow me to be uninhibited
Do not pressure me into feeling
what I do not feel
Accept me when I am flying high
As I have accepted you when
you were flying high
Do not put me down... nor make
me feel unhappy about me
I am I
and I like being what I am

Me.

Larry S. Chenngges

Killing oneself

This happened in NIE last year and was copied from my Fridae diary.

Surreal. Was attending a class this morning when there was a commotion outside. A guy was seen sitting on the ledge and mumbling to himself. He stayed there for an hour and a half and then walked to the edge of the ledge, intending to jump. The hour and a half drama made the whole school came to a stand still. The police were there. The civil defence officers were there. In fact, it seemed that the whole world was there - lecturers, students, canteen operators, cleaners, security guards, everyone. Everyone was standing outside looking at him. Some were gasping. Guess everybody had wanted a piece of the drama. 

The whole episode also set me thinking - What were these people/ onlookers waiting for? For him to jump and see him smashed up and shiver till the last moment when every minute signs of life leaves his body? or what? What was on their mind? Was it "Please jump so that I can get a piece of the drama to tell my friends?" or "Please don't jump so that I won't be traumatised by the blood and gore if you were to be smashed up?" or what? Were they disappointed when he finally was pulled to safety by the CD officers who rappelled down from the roof? or, were they relieved? or both? cos while he was saved, they had, in the end, no gory/ sensationalized tale to tell? While I could sense some form of relieve when I see the onlookers clapping their hands, I could not help it but also sensed some form of disappointment (for the lack of high drama).

Then again - What on the mind of the guy who wanted to jump? or was he just an attention seeker? Was he really intend on killing himself? Why did he stay at the ledge for a good hour and a half if he had wanted to kill himself? Shouldn't he just jumped off and not waste everyone's effort to assemble the mats (oh my poor poor batch of PE students! I salute your efforts!), CD officers rappelling, counselling etc if he had really wanted to kill himself? What made him do it? What is the psyche of someone who wants to kill himself?

I do not know about him, but I certainly knew what went through my head as I myself was at the 'edge' several times not too long ago. I turned back in the end. My common sense prevailed. It would not be fair to get my parents and all my loved ones to mourn for me. Very selfish.

Reflections of my break-up

Feb 2006 - Moving on

Been more than 3 months since I suggested the break and frankly, I have not gotten over him. I still miss him terribly and glimpses of him in the house still flashed pass me whenever I see his things. I am constantly reminded of him, the smells in the house, his belongings that is still lying all over the house, his clothes, his bags, his books, and all his letters that are still coming in daily. Although I was the one who decided to move on, it seemed to me that I am the one who is still not able to get over him. Ironic. Many a times, I would recall my close friends reminding me that it is no use getting nostalgic and sentimental about things for I have decided to move on. Yet, on the other hand, whenever I see his things, recieve his letters, etc, I get reminded of him. Whatever the case, I have to manage myself. I have to be strong and move on.

Jan 2006 - Reflecting 2005
2005 had been a defining year for me in all aspects - personal, work, home, health etc. I have ended 2005 with him moving out of our house after living together for 7 years. Ironically, even though I was the one who initiated the break-up on 1 Nov last year, I had not expected myself to be so affected... even until now. Occasionally, the feeling of missing him would just hit me from no where and I would break into tears. Since he left the house, I had not dare to sleep with the lights off. Not sure why, but I felt very insecure. My insomnia has got worst. His smell still lingers in the bed. Nonetheless, I have to move on. I have to also make all efforts to reach out to him. I would still like to be his friend. He has treated me coldly thus far. My smses has been either ignored or responded late and with monosyllabic answers most of the time. But I understand his anger, I understand his pains. I can only apologise.

Dec 2005 - To those who've crossed my path
To all those who have made a positive impact in my life, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.To those whom I have hurt, I am sorry, I assure you, it was never intentional.To those whom I have loved, you are still in my heart, you will always be... Breaking up... is so hard to do... haiz...

Nov 2005 - Coming to terms
While it was not easy to say out the words - I wanna move on - it is even more difficult to untangle all the knots that we have tied over the last 6 plus years. I don't even know what's mine or what's his after so long. Must start somewhere, but don't know where to start.... really. Whatever the case, it has been most emotional for me these few days. Hard to talk to friends, even more hard to keep a straight face and behaving normally with him (considering we are staying together and I have no intentions to ask him to leave, chosing instead to let him decide if he wishes to). For the first time, he did not kiss me when he leaves for work, his smses to me become very rare and even if he does sms, they sound very neutral and to the point, he sleeps so much, etc. Am still crying whenever I am alone. Cannot help but also felt a sense of nostalgia (and perhaps a sense of guilt) when I look at his face in the middle of the night. For I myself am feeling the after-effects of a break up although I was the one who initiated it. Then again, I have convinced myself that in the longer run, this is probably the best arrangement. Perhaps too in this way, he will not be tracked by my security office anymore. And that he can also now wholeheartedly pursue his dreams of being who's who in his field of work. And to top it off, we both behave rather normally in front of each other. Am very concern about him and how he is taking it yet I myself am not taking it too well. Amidst all these emotional swings, I do find solace and strength from some of MY friends who gave me words of strength. Also realised that with the break, somehow his friends (which have over time become our friends) have started to become his friends (only) again. Really hope this transition phase will pass quickly. I would like to continue being best of friends with him and things seemed to be heading towards that direction. And I am thankful and hopeful about it. He is still and will always be very very dear to me. And for now, I can only say - I am sorry.

01 Nov 2005 - Managing Friends
1 Nov - Time to move on after 6 and a half years. Not easy and I reckon the coming few weeks would be really tough - for him, for me, for all of us. It has been really traumatic for me to do it for I still love him deeply. Yet, I must move on in the interest of both of us in the longer term.Finding it really tough today when I broke the news and never never ever would I expect that it was even tougher to manage his (our) friends than to manage him. I felt really intruded upon by an outsider when I was taken to task for not telling them before I actually break the news. I had not preplanned the break up date/ time. I knew it was coming. I saw it coming but I did not planned for it to happen at an exact date/ time. It just felt appropriate this morning. Things are just not so text book and sequential. I was chided for not keeping the promise of providing early notice. Then again, early notice to me meant being early enough for them to be there for him when the news finally sink in and not to preempt when I will actually tell him. But I guess this was not to be understood by his (our) friends. Perhaps I have not communicated my intentions clearly enough to them or perhaps I have placed to much faith in friends and that I have assumed they would understand and be there to support us - not just him but me included. Then again, perhaps it was bad judgement on my part, for they seemed to place too much hooha over the exact date/ time that I break the news rather than see it from the perspective that the support I need from them would be a long drawn one. So what if I had told them of the time I am gonna break the news (not that I could in the first place)? Wouldn't it be even more horrible for him to have his friends call him and try to console him of the break up once I broke the news? If I were him, I certainly would feel super lousy to know that I was the last to know about it. Perhaps I should see it positively that their response reflected their concern for him. From this angle, I have to thank them for it. Whatever the case, trying to seek friends' support in this world is so bloody challenging. I guess I have to manage this on my own henceforth. Once again, I have failed to understand the age old lesson that in life, always rely on no one except yourself.

Someone help me!

A mail to my close friends exactly 2 months and 8 days after I broke off with James

Gene/ Kenneth,

I really do not know who else to turn to now. I am at
my wits end and need to offload my thoughts very very
badly. I am still finding so much problem trying to
live my life but still cannot help but think/worry abt
james and his well-being.

Today, I cried. Very badly. Frankly, while I really
want to move on. I admit am still not over James. This
week, Su How went for a holiday with his friends. I am
not too happy about it as I felt he is not spending
his money well and that this trip is totally uncalled
for. But that is another story. I do have some issues
with him over his insecurities and his unspoken and
long denied lust for attention by other gay men. I
don't blame him and I have always reminded myself that
I should try very hard not to impose my views on him
in anyway. Nonetheless, his insecurities sometimes can
be really a big problem to me. But that is another
story.

About James, he moved out on 31 Dec. I called him up
for a meal and to pass him some stuff over the last
weekend but he was not free due to his work (as
usual). So he agreed to meet up today for lunch. I
arrived at the location a li'l late but he was not
there yet and I gave him a call. Did not expect, but
recieved a rude shock when he shouted at me that he
was on his way when I asked him nicely if he had
arrived. I guess he realized his curt reply when he
repeated his answer in a more toned down manner.

I felt horrible. Naturally, when he arrived, I felt no
need to stay long with him and wanted to leave once I
finished my lunch. I felt unwelcome. He asked me to
stay to read my book while he worked and told me he
couldn't talk with me as he was busy. It was a silent
afternoon and while I occasionally spoke with him, his
answer was again, monotoned and dead. But often, I
would see him sniggle and smile and I soon realised
that despite his busy-ness and that fact that I was
with him, he had been on the chatline with his
friends. On top of that, he had been busy with smses
whole afternoon. I left after that.

Somehow, on my way home, I was so overcome with
loneliness and my missing James. Reflecting, I kept
reminding myself why I had left him, all the usual
about lack of attention, overly committed to the point
of obsession with his work, etc and often I would be
glad that I had left him. Then again, I still cannot
get over him for I still really love him and would
many a times chose to want to overlook all these
msigivings. I know it is a passing phase, but for now,
it is really killing me.

Since he left, my insomnia ahs gotten worst. I had not
dare to sleep without having my room lights on. It is
often too unbearable to have the feeling of having the
whole room to myself and yet all his stuff still in
the room.

I do not know how to manage myself and had cried much
of late. Still had not got over the fact that he left
the house without a single goodbye and just packed his
necesary clothing and left. Till now, his things are
still all over and found myself to even have to pack
his things for him in this break-up. And I had no
choice for if not, my mum will not have a place to
sleep properly. (My mum has been giving me lots of
problems lately such as wanting to sleep with me,
etc... well, another story....)

Abt James and his reactions, I felt very hurt. While I
understand his pain and feeling, I think he should
move on and not give me all these. IApart from his
usual very self-centric manner of seeing and managing
things, i do think he feels good knowing that he is
killing me with all these non-responses. it's been
more than 2months and I now really think he is doing
it out of revenge.

Since school term started, I had been worried sick
about his health, his obsession with his work, his
schedules, he late nights/ early mornings, his working
to death approach (to which over the last many years,
I have to wake up to make ginseng for him, etc,
etc)... cannot help it.

While I had been angry with him over the last 2 months
occasionally when he lived with me such as when he
forgot to buy bread for my mum despite having reminded
him and ending up with my mum having to eat left over
rice, and that he did not even bother to apologize to
my mum. His messing of things up and often, taking
things for granted, etc... but I have overlooked all
these and chosen to still continue to pamper him and
to try to talk to him. Somehow, I still feel I owe him
lots. My smses to him had been met with non-response
sometimes and many times monosyllabic answers. I am at
my wits end and I am feeling really very hurt by all
these.

I guess I am just not good at managing my own
break-up. I am suffering altho I was the one who
initiated the break-up. I kept telling myself I have
to move on. But ended up getting in loops of
depressions/ near depression.

Sorry if I had sounded totally out for now. But I need
to offload. Please ignore this mail if i sounded
crazy.

Hugs.

New Year, New Beginnings

2005 had been a defining year for me in all aspects - personal, work, home, health etc. I have ended 2005 with James moving out of our house after living together for 7 years.

Ironically, even though I was the one who initiated the break-up on 1 Nov last year, I had not expected mysdelf to be so affected... even until now. Occasionally, the feeling of missing him would just hit me from no where and I would break into tears. Since he left the house, I had not dare to sleep with the lights off. Not sure why, but I felt very insecure. My insomnia has got worst. His smell still lingers in the bed.

Nonetheless, I have to move on. I have to also make all efforts to reach out to him. I would still like to be his friend. He has treated me coldly thus far. My smses has been either ignored or responded late and with monosyllabic answers most of the time. But I understand his anger, I understand his pains. I can only apologise.