White Canvas

I had a dream this morning.

In my dream, there were unfamiliar people - and there was someone with a fully tattooed leg. The space I existed in in my dream was white. So white I was almost blinded by it. I was holding on to a canvas board. The kinda board where one would expect lots of scribbles and doodles. But the one I was holding on to was blank. Pure white. Other than this, I cannot recall much about the dream.

It’s the kinda dream that leaves you wondering wtf did I just dream of when you wake up. But yeah, reflecting, I supposed it reflected the anxieties behind my intention to resign. I have a date in my head as to when I should do it and it’s within weeks. Apart from that, I have no plans whatsoever with regards what I should do, where I should go or, for that matter, how I should unfold this next chapter of mine.

Maybe that’s the white board I was holding.

Let’s see…

Being Selfless

I took a pause when I typed the title. I wondered if it would be more apt to title this post “Being Selfish”. Anyway…

I must say I have often asked if I should be more selfish in how I conduct my life. Have often been taken for granted in life - both professionally and personally - and it felt shitty. And during such moments, thoughts like - I care for this or that, but who’s there to care for me? Where’s the reciprocal engagement when I need it? Or, you can add more and more things onto my plate because I can deliver, but where is the tangible recognition when it is due? Perhaps such moments hit hard when you feel down. And it also comes with the realization that there are unstated expectations of some form of gratifications, or even a simple acknowledgment/ thank you. That is not too much to ask, right? 

I am human; and there is a limit to how much I can give, before I breakdown.

Words & Questions

When uttering words, be very careful. Words can heal and words can kill. Sometimes, asking questions can be a better start to a conversation.

When asking questions, be extra careful. Questions with implied answers can damage relationships. Examples of such questions include - do you expect me to…

Interesting Turn of Events

I almost terminate my employment two weeks back. But I held back as I didn't want to take that action when I was so emotional. I will probably not go into the details of why I was emotional but suffice to say I felt taken for granted when I was asked to undertake the planning of a major regional event as the person who was tasked to do it sat on it till it was too late and my chief conveniently tasked it to me as "I had the experience of planning it and I can do so again". To top it off, my reporting manager didn't support me despite me calling out that it would be too stretch for me as I was heavily involved in another major project. 

And last week, my reporting manager informed me that come 1 Oct, there will be a department reorg and I will be reporting to the guy who sat on the project. With this announcement, it is even more difficult for me to terminate my service. Doing so would to send a wrong message that my termination of service is because of him. It would make the whole thing too personal. Regardless, I will definitely want to leave the company very soon. If I do not do so soon, I will never ever move away from my comfort zone and this will slow down my transition process. I just need to bite the bullet, suffer the financial setback for the immediate short term and rebuild my career again. At age 57, it is definitely risky but I supposed water will always find its own level eventually. 

I just need to start the process.

Sick

I’ve never experience a flu so bad I was given a total of 3 days MC and 2 weeks of antibiotics, cold tablets, cough mixture, etc. Had initially thought it was Covid but it wasn’t. 

It all started 2 Thursdays ago when I felt a little oozy. And on Friday, the flu got bad. I had assumed I would be able to recover over the weekend, but no, it gotten even worst on Sunday and I went to see my family physician. I was given an MC on Monday, but I was still totally bad when I returned to work on Tuesday. The company doctor gave me an additional 2 days MC and a whole lot of medications - cold tabs, cough syrup, antibiotics, something to dissolve my phlegm, etc… the condition didn’t improve… 

I lost my voice, had superbly bad congestion, and couldn’t speak without breaking into violent cough. This was one week out since the flu started. Went back to the doctor and was given another bag of medications, this time round she increased the dosage and added a few other stronger medication including nasal spray, steroids, etc. She jokingly said what I have is akin to bronchitis and if the condition doesn’t improve, she will have to send me for further checks and x-ray…

Sighs. 

Postponed to Sep

Had previously signed up for my professional certification end-Aug but felt it was too rush and have since postponed it to end-Sep. Gonna get back to mugging! 

:-)