Grateful - 9 Feb: Mixed Emotions

It’s so nice to be able to meet up with my old army mates. Friendships formed when we were younger were so much purer, and despite the different directions our lives have taken, we are still able to see one another for who we truly are - not based on factors such as wealth or social status. That is what makes our annual meet-ups so much fun. This was the highlight of the day that I am most thankful for. So here’s today’s list:

• Old army mates. Met up with my army mates for our annual CNY reunion dinner. It was a great catch-up, and it was good to see everyone again after all this time. There were five of us, but we drank seven jugs of beer over dinner - I’m feeling so bloated now! Most importantly, I met up with a close friend who has been by my side through 40 years of friendship. He has been based in the US since the mid-90s and returns home yearly with his wife. I have never failed to meet him whenever he is back. We met an hour earlier to catch up before the dinner proper. So nice.

• Zoom recording. I spent the whole morning preparing and submitting my post-training documents, but I had a rude shock when I realised that I had made an error the day before and failed to take attendance for my learners’ assessment. There was nothing much I could do except inform the company about my mistake. Looking on the positive side, I was glad I discovered the error and was able to provide an update - all because I took the time to review the Zoom recording. The error was discovered by chance, but I’m thankful it came to light, thanks to the video recording.

• Meditation. I managed to meditate again this morning after missing it for two days. It felt good to return to the practice. I skipped it over the past two days because I wanted to head out for my walk before sunrise, when the air was cooler.

I thought it would be a simple day, but it turned out otherwise. By the end of it, I had experienced fun, anxiety, and calm - very contrasting indeed!

Food & I

It has been a long while since I last wrote anything about “xxx and I”, or about my relationship with a particular subject. So today, I thought I would reflect a little on my relationship with food. Most, if not all, of my key interactions with people I know - relatives, friends, exes, colleagues and others - have taken place over meals. Food is an essential part of my life, and I dare say, everyone’s life. Some of my most memorable moments involving food are captured in the snippets below:

• My earliest memory of food was shredded fried batang fish with chopped chye sim, eaten with white rice drenched in water and a bit of soya sauce. My mum often made this for me when I was a child. She would feed me spoonful by spoonful as I ran around the open spaces of our landlord’s house. It was simple fare, reflective of the days when we were poor and life was much simpler. Yet to toddler-me, it tasted heavenly. I would pester my mum to make it as often as she could.

• Growing up poor, we could afford to eat chicken only 2 or 3 times a year - during Chinese New Year, the Celestial God’s Birthday and the Hungry Ghost Festival. There may have been 1 or 2 other occasions, but these were the ones I remember most clearly. Essentially, we ate chicken only when it was offered to the gods during prayers. It was prepared simply - boiled and rubbed with salt. Whole chicken carcasses were offered to the gods, and salt was the most appropriate preparation (for offerings to the deceased, the chicken would be chopped).

• During my younger days, my dad worked at the airport delivering meals to planes or clearing leftover, unconsumed food. Back then, controls were far less strict, and he would sometimes bring trays of untouched chicken thighs/ drumsticks home in the middle of the night. We would get very excited whenever he did. Occasionally, he would also order takeaway hor fun to go with it, much to our delight. Mum would keep the leftovers and steam them for our breakfast the next day.

• As a teenager, I was literally a bottomless pit. At my peak, I could eat 7 bowls of rice, 2 chicken burgers, 6 doughnuts, 1 roti john and a packet of Hokkien noodles at a go. Looking back, I have no idea how I managed it. My mum often cooked extra rice at night because I was perpetually hungry, and I would prepare fried rice for my supper almost every evening - so I had pork fried rice, chye sim fried rice, seafood fried rice, etc. I also bought doughnuts and dim sum frequently during those years. Puberty really is quite something.

• My mum was very strict - and rather unquestioning - about religious practices. She had been brought up to believe that Buddhists should not consume beef. As a result, we were not allowed to eat beef. Eventually, I learnt that Buddhism does not prohibit the consumption of beef. I first tasted beef by accident during my uni days, when I ate a curry puff at a potluck lunch. My mouth went numb afterwards. Over time, I noticed that this happened whenever I ate beef. It took me several months to get used to it, but I enjoy beef now. Steak? Yes - medium rare.

• I celebrate major occasions with food. One memory that stands out is a Mother’s Day dinner in the mid-1990s. I had just started working and wanted to treat my mum to a nice meal. I made a reservation at a Chinese restaurant for the family. We enjoyed the food, but when my mum found out that the dinner cost over $500, she complained that it was expensive, not value for money, and the food was not even nice. She insisted I had wasted my money and that we would have been better off eating at home. That dinner became her annual gripe every Mother’s Day until she passed on - a classic example of cost versus generational mindset.

• I have travelled widely and tried many different cuisines over the years. That said, I often find myself craving rice after some time. Perhaps it is something ingrained in me from young, tied to my southern Chinese heritage. I need rice to feel sustained - it doesn't matter whether its basmati, pearl short-grain or Thai fragrant rice. I recall spending six months in Tampa, Florida, on a work attachment in the early 2000s. After two weeks of sandwiches, bread and pasta, I couldn't take it and I had to cook my own rice-based meals. That was the same for my Asian peers! We simply missed rice too much.

• Apart from rice, there is one other essential: chilli - or more specifically, malay chilli pastes, or sambal. When I trained overseas for extended periods, I will not fail to ask my mum to prepare a bottle of sambal belachan for me, especially when I was heading to Taiwan. It is not that they lack chilli there, but I was brought up in a Peranakan and South-East Asian environment, and I am accustomed to the spices of this region. It has become part of my identity as a Singaporean, or more broadly, as a South-East Asian. I feel completely at home with the cuisines of Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia, Thailand, the Philippines and beyond.

• I enjoy trying all kinds of food and have savoured delicacies from many countries and continents. People often ask me what my favourite cuisine is. To tell you the truth, I do not have a specific favourite. I am not particularly picky, and every place has its own distinctive flavours. I enjoy whatever I eat at wherever I visit. I feel blessed by the rich food experiences I have had. They have allowed me to connect more deeply with people. Food, after all, is an extension of culture.

• That said, there was one particularly repulsive food experience that remains vivid in my memory - fresh snake blood. During my national service days, as part of survival training, we were required to kill and prepare live animals for food. And so, we were given live chickens, iguanas, pythons, rabbits, frogs and turtles, etc. I still recall a python being hung up and dangled from the second floor, we had to severe its head and consume the blood as it flowed. The taste was cold, salty and metallic. It was an experience I will never forget.

• I have a sweet tooth. I enjoy cakes (tiramisu, Black Forest, carrot cake, chocolate mousse, etc) as well as ice cream (rum and raisin, cookies and cream, peanut butter), cookies, macarons, and all kinds of Malay and Peranakan desserts such as chendol, bubur terigu, bubur cha cha, pengat and all sorts of kueh kueh. Desserts have become such a natural part of my meals that I instinctively leave space for them. To me, anything coconut-based is good - and this probably explains my love for curries and many Malay and Peranakan desserts. That said, I am not a big fan of South Asian desserts, which I find overly sweet.

• I once travelled to Israel for work and was struck by the warmth and hospitality of my host. I was hosted to lunch and was served an enormous spread of bread and condiments - hummus, olives, jams and more. Wanting to show my appreciation, I ate a bit of everything. Just as I was completely full and ready to stop, my host cheerfully announced, “Alright, now let’s enjoy the mains.” OMG! I could say the same of Middle Eastern hospitality in places like Abu Dhabi and Dubai - long meals, abundant food, and an emphasis on generosity. I always ended up eating far more than I have space for.

• I once attended a wedding in Hyderabad with colleagues and was assigned a chaperone for the 3-day celebrations. From early morning to late night, we were constantly fed vegetarian food. The chaperone’s job was to ensure we were well fed - and we certainly were. And the amount and spread was humongous! By the end, we were desperate for meat. On the final day, we were taken to a famous Hyderabad dum biryani restaurant, where we were served heaps of fragrant rice and chicken, along with countless side dishes. Many of us swore off vegetarian food for months after that trip.

• The first meal with my first partner was at a zichar place at Simpang Bedok. We ordered a couple of dishes including salted vegetable soup with tofu and seafood. I later learned that he thought the soup tasted like dishwater as he disliked watery soups and preferred thick, gooey, strong flavoured ones such as sharks fin, sweet sour soup, etc. Added to that, he has a preference for western fare such as steaks, pasta, sandwiches, etc.

• My last partner loved good food and always wanted me to bring him to good restaurants. It was not uncommon to hear him say things like, "You never bring me to this place or that place". I always end up being chided for not bringing him to taste whatever food I had eaten before whenever I mentioned about any specific eatery to him. 

• I am not too fussy about food.  I believe that food is for sustenance, i.e. eating to live and not the other way round - living to eat. Also, I cannot really differentiate between good, better or best food. But of cos, I can draw a clear distinction between good and bad food and there remain some things that I will not eat. Then again, taste is subjective - one man’s meat is another man’s poison. Being practical and simple, I value company and convenience over type of food I eat. I will not bother to join long queues for food at any eateries, no matter how good the food is. 

So yeah, above were some of my key reflections/ memories related to food. I totally agree with the saying - the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Afterall, food defines a large part of a person's identity, culture and life experiences. My reflections above is a testament to this.

Beard & Moustache

I shall write about my facial hair in this post. 

• I tend to suffer razor burns when I visit cold and dry countries and decided to give myself a shaving break during my recent UK trip (in end-Jul). As a result, my moustache and goatee grew. The unkempt look during the initial days didn't bother me. I was on holiday and was in the midst of strangers. After my holidays, I continued keeping it as it has grown quite nicely. 

• The last time I had a moustache was during my undergrad days. It lasted no more than a few weeks. I couldn't accept the untidy look. Most Chinese tend to be smooth naturally and need more time for our facial hair to grow. Most also have goatees and not a full beard like what you see in people of European, and Northern Indian origins.

• Why keep a moustache during my undergrad days? I wanted to do what I wouldn't/ couldn't do after I graduate. As a contract soldier on a training award, I had to return to the forces during my vacation and immediately after my final year examinations end. So I kept a little pony tail, grew a moustache, etc as a student.

• Why did I not keep a goatee back then? I supposed it was due to my military "up-bringing". In my basic military training days, we were not allowed to keep a beard unless it is for religious reasons (e.g. Sikhs). As a general rule-of-thumb to keeping neat and tidy - hair above the lips is "personal property", whereas those below is "government property".

• My hair has greyed much. I now have a head of black and grey hair (“salt & pepper”). Interestingly, there are more grey hair in my moustache and goatee. As a comparison, there are about 30-40% grey hair on my head whereas for my moustache and goatee, it 60-70%. And looking at my late-parents, I doubt I will end up with a full head of grey hair.

Ok, so much about my facial hair. People around me have seen my new look and and a couple of my gay friends have even suggested that my "market value" has increased. Well, "market value" was not on my mind when I started it. Nevertheless, I must say I do notice a couple more people (both women and men) giving me second looks. I hope it was not because I look out of place. Chinese men with goatee are a rare sight here. Then again, I was probably just a wee bit more self-conscious with this new look. 

:-P

my ns - overview

i was enlisted into the army and was posted to infantry training depot (itd) for my basic military training (bmt). that was in tekong. mar 1985. i was posted to lion company, platoon 41 section 3 bed 5. 

 after my bmt, i landed in officer cadet school (ocs). i was in the 2/85 iocc batch and served my 9 months as a cadet in echo company, platoon 15. section 1. bed 9 (i was the only one to retain this room from junior to senior term). ocs was hell. i wouldn't go through it again if i had a choice. but it certainly holds a lot of good memories for me. how we were tekan-ed. how we were stripped of all our dignity from the start, go through 9 months of hell and emerged as young officers. 

following my ocs, i was posted to infantry training depot (itd) as a platoon commander (pc). itd trains recruits and i was the pc for platoon 26, gryphon company - the siao on company. took two batches of recruits before assuming the concurrent appointment of company 2nd-in-charge (2ic). after my company tactics and basic intelligence course, i was posted back to itd as a project officer in the headquarters until i went for my uni studies in jul 87. 

well, the following links elaborates the details of each stage of my nsf days...

• 1985 - my bmt 
• 1985 - 2/85 iocc (1) 
• 1985 - 2/85 iocc (2) 
• 1985 - 2/85 iocc (3) 
• 1985 - 2/85 iocc (4) 
• 1986 - 2/85 iocc (5)
• 1985 - 1986 - my ocs songs
• 1986 - 1987 - completing my ns

end of reserve liability

as reservist (operationally-ready) officers in singapore, we are all liable for reservist call-up for until 50 years of age. that is the same regardless of whether one was previously a regular (contract serviceman) or a conscripted person. and mindef would be required to give a 6-month advance notice before a person can be called up. i turn 50 in december. and based on this 6-month requirement, i should get a letter by jun 2016 if they needed me to serve my reservist term before i hit 50. they didn't. this means i will no longer need to go back. ever. heh.

then again, it didn't matter. i retired from service in 2009 (at age 43) and had been placed under a so-called "classified appointment" in the headquarters. this, of cos, was a convenient excuse given the need to keep me away from all the classified materials. and this was clear to me cos despite being given a "classified appointment", i have never been told what this appointment was, and for that matter, i've never been cleared by the security department to hold any appointment in the reserve, much less a "classified appointment" at the headquarters. so, such a convenient arrangement meant i will never been recalled for reservist. and that was exactly the case. 

anyway, i am not complaining. i must be mad to do so. nonetheless, i am glad that this chapter is finally coming to a formal close (when i turn 50 in december).

what the fish!

the words above (if indeed is by a. einstein) resonates with me.

i reflected and noted i had been made to think like the fish mentioned here many a times in the past. but well, that doesn't matter now.  what's important is that i now recognise my current boss is doing the same thing to me. so yeah... 

time to move on.

:-)

write for sg50?

had been asked to pen a 1200-word article about secondary forestry in singapore. to be specific, about a location in the training grounds of the saf that every singaporean son who had served national service will know about. the article is meant to be part of a commemorative book to be published as part of celebrations for singapore's 50th independence anniversary next year.

well, i declined the invite.

i had no desire to partake in this whole celebrations for a start. admittedly, i still harbour the negative vibes after the being "killed" for my sexuality in 2005. people have chided me somewhat and just told me to move on and not imprison myself. well, i do not see how i can possibly do it so easily. perhaps it is a case of passion/ love for an institution turning into hatred/ intense dislike for it. am not sure how to describe it, you probably need to be in my shoes to fully appreciate my feelings. anyway, i decided not to write. i had no desire to do it and was totally not keen to subject myself to the stress given the tight timeline. i like to write (as you can see from my blog) but to have to write for something/ someone under a deadline, it's kinda a turn off. 

:-)

bs, my best friend

i wrote quite a few posts about bs previously.

he has been one of my closest friend since my army days back in the mid-80s. and he's a very special friend who had been with me through thick and thin for so many years. he had been living in the states with his wife and kids since 1998 and whenever he returned, we would make sure we meet up for a drink minimally. but for some reasons lately, i somehow felt a widening gap between us. it felt kinda odd when we meet.

this was how i felt today. he's home over the weekend before he flies to thailand for an overseas assignment. i told mum a lie that i would be doing house visiting to some muslim friends in order to meet him this afternoon. and when we met, there was of cos the very warm feeling of reconnecting. it felt like we have not parted. but when we sat down for a drink, there was a moment of awkward silence. and the conversation was all over the place. admittedly, i felt the need to quickly end the meet.

i supposed we are really, and finally, drifting apart after all these years. 

hmmm...

get-together dinner

i went for a get-together dinner last evening. told mum it was a wedding dinner and made my escape after cooking her her dinner.

it was a get-together dinner for my peers from my pc (platoon commander)-days. 1986, infantry training depot (the old name for the institute that focuses on conducting basic military training). there were no less than 11 of us and for many of us, we had not met each other since we left the island back in the late-80s. quite a few are now based overseas and made the efforts to return home for this get-together. and it was really interesting to be able to catch up with everyone. and despite being in out late-40s/ early-50s, we all behaved like we were in our late-teens again when we met. all the years seemed to melt away and all the old stories and gossips resurfaced. 

i supposed the bonds created when we were on all isolated on an island off the northern coast of singapore, and with nothing to do except interacting with each other, was really strong. there was absolutely no pretence and everyone simply yak and yak and yak... and of cos, with age and with years of working experiences, it was also a great time to catch up about each other's lives.

let's hope this gathering can happen again sometime.

:-)

sg & acronyms

singaporeans are famous for shortening every possible things into acronyms and one of the most popularly used one is "gss" otherwise, known as "the great singapore sale". to me it is nothing more than a gimmick to get people (locals and tourists alike) to spend their money - a month long nation-wide sale where almost every other shop will put their merchandise on sale.

anyway, my writing this post is not about acronyms. it is about how we used it to the point where it become almost a noun and the meaning of the acronym is lost in itself. so, using the "gss" as an example, i was at the shopping centre today and i saw this (see below) "gss sale"... wtf right? if we were to expand the name, it would be "the great singapore sale sales". hahah... 

it reminds me of another common mistake used amongst all singaporean men - "ippt test". singaporean men serve national service (ns) and are required to undergo an individual physical proficiency test (ippt) regime to assess his fitness level. and this test is often referred to as "ippt test". and if we were to expand it, we will have "individual physical proficiency test test".

this is so singaporean.

doh!

passion?

i received a surprise message from an ex-military colleague yesterday. he served under me in the early 1990s and is now still in service, with a rank that is higher than me. interestingly, he asked me if i want to consider working as a dxo under him...

well, much as i appreciate his asking, i told him i no longer want to associate myself with the military anymore. he was a little confused. and without telling the details to him, i told him about how i was, in my view, mishandled by the military in 2005. he felt terribly disappointed with what happened but decided not to ask further. and he said this very interesting thing to me...

"for whatever the reasons, you will always be my leader and i've always admired your passion towards the military. thanks for sharing your tensions and how they treated you. rest assure it will stay with me."

my friend, i thought, passion is an outcome of finding what we do meaningful to us. loyalty, on the other hand, is totally passé. you can be loyal to your organisation, but it will weed you out when you are no longer valued. often, many mix these two up, and to regret later.

i made that mistake. that is the lesson i have learnt.

i no longer trust the institution.

the kerchief

sgt arthur screamed, during one drill lesson: "pler-toon one five care-dads! all of you are gonna be officers one day. and officers are expected to be gentleman... and a gentleman carries a handkerchief wherever he goes! and i expect you to do so too…" that was in 1985 when i was an officer cadet.

but of cos, for me, since i was a boy in school, i have established the habit of carrying one. but that reminder by sgt arthur reinforced my belief in my practice. today, i still carry one wherever i go. everyday. unhygienic or old fashion some may call it, but it's what a gentleman should have and it is probably more environmentally friendly.

"yes sah-gernt!!!"

ps: i did a google on the word "handkerchief" and was totally intrigued by the rich history behind the humble piece of fabric!

picture from http://www.artofmanliness.com

coming out to an old friend

went for lunch with an old friend, someone who served in the same unit as me during our nsf days. i believe he had always suspected me but i see no need to confirm or deny it. he didn't ask, and i didn't see the need to tell. as for me, i know he is gay all these while. then again, as i said, it is not important.  anyway, recently decided to come out to him. no reasons at all, just thought it is something nice to do in view of our quarter-decade old friendship. and so, i dropped him a mail with my blog url recently. but as fate would have it, he couldn't access it as he is currently based in china. and i left it as that. and last week, i was so surprise to receive an sms from him asking to meet up for a meal over the weekend.

we met eventually and from the way he reached out and gave me a hug, i knew he knew. well... other than that we did not speak too much about our sexuality. we went for lunch, and we chatted... and we went for coffee after lunch. and that was where he asked this interesting question about whether i am married la la la... i played along... no i am not, i replied. i see no point in a piece of paper. whoever we are with, what is important is that we are happy... and the conversation dragged on. and he asked if i found someone who can take care of me and vice versa, i said yes and he asked to see the photo... that was when i showed him bee's photo. well, that was how i came out to him. and we just chatted on and on and i in turn asked him if he found someone who could take care of him and vice versa... he told me he wanted to keep it a secret. 

haha... ya right, i thought. if i were to get this response say 10-15 years ago, i would probably feel slighted and unhappy. unfair, i would have thought. but these days, i am beyond such emotions. if i tell or do something to you, i do not expect a response in kind. give unconditionally. and so i just smiled and carried on with other topics. and as i drove him to his final destination, he finally came out to me. i am very happy to hear he is attached and very well settled in china. he has found his partner and his life. no stress from his singapore family. no stress from 377a and the need to conform...

:-)

only in singapore

then, we had a maid carry the haversack for her "master" soldier. now, we have a soldier surrendering his rifle to a man wielding a screwdriver... what joke. it is moments like this that makes me one helluva embarrassed to tell people i was from the army... i am sure in my time, such things wouldn't have happened. whoever dared threaten me with a screwdriver would get a butt stroke to the head. no second thoughts about it!

on one hand, i would want to see this as a one off incident. but on the other hand, the recent increase in such never heard before cases really make me wonder if it suggest we now have a softer and more guniang generation...

sighs!

picture from http://sg.sports.yahoo.com/news/man-robs-nsf-of-rifle-with-a-screwdriver.html

perspectives - aging 4

officer cadets... a couple of years back, i was having breakfast with my colleague at the canteen at work (then, i was still in the military) and we were musing about how officer cadets these days tend to increasingly look and behave like kids... we spoke about (well, "bitch" would be a better word) how these kids were rude, how uncouth they had become, how... and we added how we were not the same as them when we were cadets, etc... and then it dawned upon us. conscription age had not changed. what had change was that we had grown older. cadets were just behaving their age!

hmmm...

reunion

have organised a reunion dinner of sorts tonight for my ns peers in the same camp as me in 1986. managed to get 8 pax together. kinda looking forward to it!

:-)

old friend

i met up with an old friend 2 days ago. he told me he would be going to the states to work for 2 years and will be leaving this evening...

hmmm... somehow, even though we hardly meet, i still feel a sense of lost when he told me about it. the thing about such old and close friends is that we tend to take each other for granted, not meet up, assume each other is good and well and would keep each other info when something goes wrong... no different from the usual "no news is good news" kinda thing...

well, you see, i got to know this friend of mine in 1991 when he was doing his national service and we got along very well. and it was that time that his dad passed away and i had helped him through that difficult period. we became best of friends. he eventually took up a training award with the military and went on to do his undergrad studies. that was when he met his girlfriend (now wife).

he is now a very senior person in service and both his daugthers address me as "uncle daddy". so sweet right. anyway, we kept in touch through the years, and despite the fact that we hardly meet, i would make it a point to do my dues as a "godfather". i would buy them lanterns and mooncakes during mid-autumn festivals, they would visit me during chinese new years, and i would give the kids ang pows... well, i suppose my status as godfather gives me the right to give ang pows to my goddaughters ya? haha...

anyway, he would be going over for 2 years. managed to catch up over a quick coffee in town. spoke like as though we've never been apart... like relatives coming together. yak yak yak we went... families, daughters, wife, mothers, families... the kinda topics any uncles in the late-30s and 40s would be talking about. he was kinda surprised (yet not surprised) when i told him i thought of becoming a monk... each for his own, each with his own life... he commented... and all too soon, we parted. will be sending them off this evening. gonna miss them...

sighs...

ocs songs

the following are a couple of songs that we, as a platoon, would sing out really loud when we march... and i heard someone humming a tune similar to one of the songs and decided to do a search in the internet...

such memories!

nice!

by the light of the silvery moon



moonlight bay



hurry home



pearly shells

declaring 302

was reading a local glbt forum and a guy posted his concerns about declaring his sexuality when he went for his ns (national service) call-up medical check-up... or rather, this guy had declared (his sexuality), but he was worried how they would treat him. there were quite a few replies and many of them were spouting nonsense and allegations that were either unfounded or bitchy.

thought they were not useful and counter to what this poor chap had wanted to know/ find out when he posted his queries in the forum. so, i sent him a personal message. i thought i should make it sound as objective as i could given that i was an ex-regular officer who had spend more than 20 years in the military (despite my bad experiences of being outed, interrogated and so on when i was in service). felt it was the right thing to do to allay the fears and apprehensions of my fellow gaymen who are awaiting enlistment. i decided to post it here cos i am also aware that there are some here who has the same questions.

:-)

this was what i wrote...

reference your posting about declaring, frankly, it is gonna be a non-affair for the armed forces if you are an nsf (national serviceman [fulltime]), i.e., conscript. many people have declared and they are required to go through their ns like anyone else. as for the talk about excusing people from whatever specific roles etc, really, it all depends on the following:

(1) whether you are effeminate. this is an important factor for them to consider (especially if you have intentions to eventually go for a sex change). generally, for people who are in the process of transition, they would be employed in non-combat roles and would not be required to stay-in. apart from protecting the servicemen from possible harrassment from their peers, it would also minimize the stress and trauma for the servicemen from having to undergo combat roles and duties (which generally are more rough and tough, and that would pose some very practical inconveniences for transitioning personnel). if you are straight-acting and medically assessed that you are comfortable with your sexuality, you would be treated no difference from any other persons and would be required to undergo the full ns. i myself know of many friends who went through even after declaring they are gay. you will unlikely be given a lower pes status (medical status) just because you declare you are homosexual.

(2) whether you are applying to be a regular (contract soldier). as a regular, you would be subjected to additional security checks and one of the areas that they would be interested be would be your sexuality. generally personnel who declare they are homosexual would not be employed (it is an unwritten rule but everyone knows about it). the reasons could include firstly, the avoidance of security concerns especially when gay people, who are closeted, would have a higher chance of being blackmailed (for classified information), or secondly, their fear that there might be a confidence issues with the organisation amongst parents if they were to find out that there are gay servicemen leading their sons. (i do not subscribe to these reasons but i do acknowledged that they exist).

hope i have shed sufficient light on the issue of homosexuality.

after sending this message, i sent a second one...

if i may add, handling homosexual servicemen is something that the saf (singapore armed forces) is still learning. when the so called directive pertaining to homosexuals was first drafted and formalized, it classified persons who declare their homosexuality into a category by itself called "302". that was in the 70s when the perception of gays was - gays = ah-guas (transvestites). to me, that was a very wrong start from the beginning. it was too simplistic and did not address the whole continuum of sexuality issues that is a fact of life - eg openly homosexuals who are out of the closet but straight-acting, homosexuals who are closeted, sexual dimorphism, transexuals, transvestites, etc... you can also read this post about the difficulties i experienced managing my staff who went for a sex change, it simply illustrated the vacuum in directives/ policies managing such cases, even for regulars. but interestingly, the key issue is not one of policy but that of people's acceptance... end of the day, it was people's acceptance or rather, non-acceptance of the individual that led to the officer leaving service...

this was made worst by some servicemen who tried to escape ns, malinger and/ or cheat the system by declaring they are transvestites with the intent to transition, get excused/ downgraded, and excused from reservist. iknew of previous cases such as these and after 2 - 2.5 years of being posted as a clerk and excused from reservist, the servicemen ord (ended his conscript time), left service, and reverted to his totally straight lifestyle. yup, you will be surprise, but there are such people in singapore.

as such, for those who declare they are homosexuals, the medical officer would have to make the assessment as to whether he needs to psychologically tested (especially when they suspect there is an intention to malinger/ cheat). otherwise, declaring of homosexuality is really a non-issue for an nsf.

1987 - a new phase

it would not be complete for me to just leave my last post on "completing my ns" without mentioning how it ended. you see, i was a march intake batch. this meant that by the time i enter uni for my tertiery education, i would have only served two years and three months - three months short of the usual two and a half years. so, for a "normal" conscript, he would have to disrupt his military service and serve the remaining three months during his annual academic break. anyway all these did not matter to me.

i signed on (i became a contract military officer).

you see, ever since i was a young boy, i was a fiercely independent person. my mum had brought me up that way. i did not want to be financially dependent on my parents and by the time i was in junior college, i gave tuition to fund my own studies. and given my personal dislike towards my dad's tendency to openly show off things (money, achievements, etc), i learned to keep such information away from him.

towards the last half year of my stay in itd (infantry training deport - the name of the military basic military school back then), i was sent for my company tactics course (ctc) and then basic intelligence officer's course (bioc). i understood at that time that these courses were meant to prepare me for an intelligence position during my reservist. so i went for the courses. in ctc, i had the opportunity to interact with many regulars and combat units. it was interesting and i enjoyed the camaraderie with the men. it was such a contrast to my itd tour where i was an instructor and where recruits held me up in the highest esteem. also, my buddy was a regular singh and i had the opportunity to speak to him and asked him about how it felt to be a regular. he spoke a lot of about the financial independence and that attracted me a lot. to me, apart from my love for the field and the combat stuff, i could also enjoy financial independence from my dad. hmmm... good.

however, by the time i finished my ctc, apart from a low grading (as all nsfs did), i got disillusioned by how some of the regulars behaved. they had huge attitude problems i thought. and that was it. i went back to itd for a month plus before going for my bioc. i did well in bioc. despite the presence of many regulars, i excelled. i was eventually awarded the best trainee for my course. if anything, bioc turned me around. my winning of best trainee told me that regardless of service status, nsfs could also emerged top as long as he did well. that made me think very hard about signing on, which eventually i did. i went for the interview and was asked if i would consider taking up maths or military studies or history. i replied no, i'd rather do biology. and i spoke of how passion would drive me further in my pursue for knowledge. i was also asked if i would consider an overseas scholarship instead of a local award. i replied no too. i did not want anyone to know i had signed on, especially my dad.

i signed on the dotted line not long after i graduated from my bioc. as i said, i was an independent person. i signed on without even consulting my parents. i only told my mum about it the night before i went to sign my contract. i remembered her saying it is ok as long as i am ok with it. that was it. i signed the contract. it was on april fools day (actually thinking back, perhaps i was foolish! ha!). and i made my mum promised not to tell my dad about it. i did not want him to start telling people that i have signed on. i was sure he would go around saying i earn xxx amount of dollars and that i was a rich person.

i was a regular officer on course when the nus academic term started in jul 1987.