i wrote quite a few posts about bs previously.
he has been one of my closest friend since my army days back in the mid-80s. and he's a very special friend who had been with me through thick and thin for so many years. he had been living in the states with his wife and kids since 1998 and whenever he returned, we would make sure we meet up for a drink minimally. but for some reasons lately, i somehow felt a widening gap between us. it felt kinda odd when we meet.
this was how i felt today. he's home over the weekend before he flies to thailand for an overseas assignment. i told mum a lie that i would be doing house visiting to some muslim friends in order to meet him this afternoon. and when we met, there was of cos the very warm feeling of reconnecting. it felt like we have not parted. but when we sat down for a drink, there was a moment of awkward silence. and the conversation was all over the place. admittedly, i felt the need to quickly end the meet.
i supposed we are really, and finally, drifting apart after all these years.
hmmm...
Yes while it's true that you can pick up where you left off with some friends. .. but friendships like all investments need time. Unless you grow together there will come a time when the shared moments of the past no longer resonate with the person you are today. Sadly. .. It maybe time to cherish what you had together - can't deny it was good. But also accept it is time to move on. ..
ReplyDeletereading your blog, and following few other blogs lately had made me think a lot, i still can’t believe how i manage to survive all the things that happened in my life, but of course, honestly you are very much elder than me, and reading your posts definitely made me “feel” the struggles you had faced in life...
ReplyDeletei don’t know Jeffrey, i am just 28, and i am still in the closet, not because i am afraid, but i guess i am comfortable keeping it to myself, besides i feel it’s more of a personal thing, so yah, i learned that i am attracted to guys when i was 15, every time girls fall in love with me, i push them away, citing i am not ready for “love and relationship” matters, and so far, the only person who knows about it is the guy whom i fell in love with...and the irony is, even he is still in the closet, and i remember how he was afraid his parents might know about our relationship, and i told him, well, why bother ? why is there a need to tell them, let our love be a secret one, let’s just age gracefully together without the world knowing about us, and what i said did gave him “hope”...hope to love someone without being prejudiced by the society...
but the reality is bitter, sometimes deep inside, i wish i could tell my dad that i finally fell in love with someone, i wish i could tell my close friends things like “ hey, you guys know what, i finally found my other half”....i wish i could hold his hand while walking in public without getting any odd stares...but i guess i could just dream on, because the reality is bitter....
how i wish the society would accept “people like us”...how i wish the society would just accept us without judging us...how i wish the society would be more humane towards us....religious fanatics call us sinners...the medical world claims it’s a disease....i wonder why this hatred...so much hatred caused by humans in this beautiful world....
i seriously don’t know how i survived all these, keeping it to myself for years, i don’t really have any gay friends in real life you know, i only got to know about gay apps stuffs from a blog few months earlier, but i dare not use it, because i heard many gay guys fell into depression, some even commit suicide...you know right , wild beasts lingering around for bodily pleasure...so i never believed i could find true friendship from the apps stuff...
guess finally i am lucky enough to come across few blogs of “people like us” that are willing to share their life’s experience, just like your blog, really salute you because you have bravely survived this rough ocean of life, and i hope i could gain more insights about life from you : )
good lord...pity you la, you have to read another essay like comment from me, hahaha... ( just kidding )
by the way Jeffrey, my name is Arvind, and thank you for your amazing blog...
take care and have a beautiful day ahead...
dazza,
ReplyDeleteyes, i recognise that. nothing is permanent. friends too. we've known each other for so long and it's become a habit to keep each other of things that happen in our respective lives. we still do that.
:-)
jeffrey
hi arvind,
ReplyDeletefirstly, thanks for sharing your name. appreciate it. it is often that people do not share their names. for me i went by a pseudonym for many years until i got tired of it and decide that i am i and that i must be able to accept myself, and find a balance between telling and not telling people about my sexuality.
straight people don't tell people they are straight and so why do gay people need to do so? i learned eventually that it boils down to our own insecurities and our need to be accepted. i have learned to let go of them once i am able to embrace my own sexuality. finding our own balance and be confident of ourselves as a person and not by our sexuality is what i define coming out to be.
and thus coming out is a process of finding ourselves. it is not about telling people we are gay. that is the most simplistic definition that almost every gay person adopt and i think it does not do them justice.
anyway, you have started the journey of coming out. where you find your balance depends on yourself. on one end, you have the totally out person and on the other end, the totally discreet person, yet both may be totally at peace with their own level of discretion. both are at peace. as for you, you will have to find where you exist in this continuum of grey.
jeffrey