This is a belated post. I couldn't write this at the end of last year as the many things that happened left me almost non-functional (burned out). I am in a better state now, and have mustered sufficient energies and motivation to start my reflections. While this post is written on 25 May 2022, I will be posting it using the 31 Dec date to keep the post to 2021. Here's a quick look back at my 2021 in a few short paras:
Work
Work featured greatly in 2021. It started with the company seeing a change in leadership at the very top. As a result, there were many changes downstream. For me, I saw new responsibilities being tasked to me as my corporate department restructure to better support the group. On the surface, all things seemed well, but health-wise, I ended the year in a horrible place. Thinking back, I believed several key issues contributed to this.
- Firstly, the boss. I was placed under a new person and I didn't get the support I needed from this person. He is a business partner, supporting one of the business in the group and his focus has always been to support his business unit (and rightly so). As a COE (centre of excellence/ expertise) at the group-level, my focus was, and has always been, to support the group. It was very tiring to constantly have to manage a boss who consistently chose to focus squarely on supporting his business instead seeing things from the group perspective. So, conversations to the likes of "I want you to do this for my business unit..." was not uncommon. Such requirements, while not unreasonable pulled me in different directions and wore me out given the absolute lack of resources (which I will cover in my second point). Coupled with his unfamiliarity with what I do, I ended up with a boss who was only interested in what I could do for him and who couldn't and didn’t give a damn about most of the other things my department cover. He also, in my opinion, could not give proper directions when it was needed. My routine weekly catch-ups with him was one-directional - for me to share what I was doing and that's it, no further sharing about what's happening in the larger corporate department, no updates on management decisions, going ons in the group, etc. I ended up working in a vacuum, and my effectiveness as a group function was heavily impeded.
- Secondly, resource. It was a difficult period for the business and all of us were put on a cost-cutting posture. In such a state, resources were hard, if impossible, to come by. Nonetheless, my department's port-folio was expanded to include a new function and one team (read - one person) was transferred to me. I was also tasked to build the internal communications capability for the company on top of doing more for my existing port folio. It didn't help that the person that was transferred to me resigned immediately after learning of the expanded job scope. It took me almost 6 months to hire a replacement. In the meantime, I had to re-built the whole function from scratch with one young intern. While I enjoyed the steep learning curve, the need to continue delivering the KPIs set by the previous department head (that this function previously sat with) was superbly challenging. And instead of being supportive, the boss kept saying things like - if the previous person could do it, I do not see why you cannot do better. It didn't help that the person I eventually hired wasn't my boss’ first choice (his first choice turned down the job offer) and he kept insisting that my selection was lousy and I had to be blamed if I cannot deliver.
- Thirdly, tasks. As I had mentioned, there was a group business restructure and a new top leadership team. Naturally, many downstream initiatives took place - review of vision, values, business value proposition, organisation structure, organisational culture, people policies and practises, programmes and activities, etc. As a result, my department was pulled in by my chief (my boss two levels up) to support/ organise many of the activities planned. It was challenging especially when many of these group-level taskings came in last minute amidst all my existing projects and new initiatives. My boss also decided that it would be best for him to not be involved (as my chief had approached me directly) but what I didn't expect was for him to keep asking me to make sure his business unit did not "lose out" - "If they have, make sure I also have. If you cannot ensure I thus, I will not agree…". So yup, that was how many conversations happened, and I had to tread conversations between him and my chief delicately.
- Lastly, context. We were all working in interesting times. While the full locked down and going virtual in 2020 gave us the opportunities to expand our initiatives to cover employees from across the group globally, 2021 saw the demand for hybrid events and this naturally came with new challenges and learnings (e.g how to balance the demands of a global audience (and the logistics of virtual events) and that of a local/ regional audiences where things were done face-to-face. It was a really tough period with lots of stakeholders to manage and with wide and varied expectations. But that was how it was. To made all these even more stressful, we had to grapple with new people at all levels - as a result of the great resignation and new hires joining - people who are not familiar with the company, culture, processes and nature of events, etc. At the more senior-level, many questioned logic and rationale (and it was hard to explain legacy practises at times). At the ground-level, many had to navigate the company via "old birds" and yours truly here got referred to by many to brief this or that new hire (even from other businesses and/ or corporate departments) on this or that process (even if it has nothing to do with me). I tried to help as I didn't think it was right to leave new hires hanging. As for my boss, he was not helpful too. To start with, he wasn't sure of what I was doing (despite telling him again and again) and his natural reaction when anyone came to him with questions (from across the group) was to refer them to me... it saps me of much energies.
Experiencing the 4 points above together repeatedly through the year (especially in the second half) was pure hell. It was a case of existing in a bad structure with a toxic boss, and having deliver more for my existing and new port folio, yet with limited/ no additional resources, and needing to be sufficiently nimble to cater to the evolving context of environment, process and new people. It reached a point where I got totally burned out and it took a toll on my health and well-being.
Health & Well-Being
I started the year well enough. We were in a comfortable state, having worked from home for a good while due to COVID. Personally, I think I managed to achieved a very good balance between my work as my self. I was going for my regular walks, hikes, escapes, amidst the demands of work. Work-wise, I had managed to achieve a certain level of regular routine and the department was delivering good outcomes. All these, however, came to an end in Mar 21. Much changes happened after that. The country started the vaccination drive and I got myself vaccinated in May. Things improved and the country started relaxing the COVID posture but the COVID Delta strain threw us a major curve ball and we ended up tightening our safe management measures again towards the middle/ end of the year. Such developments saw us adjusting our social and work practices and routines. The uncertainty created quite a bit of stress. I experienced many bouts of illnesses, insomnia, stress, etc... and it got worst towards the end of the year. These were symptoms similar to that of depression. Shan't write too much about it (you can google about it). Apart from being burned out at work, I ended the year with a bad stabbing chest pains and decided to head to the emergency department and was kept in the observation ward to make sure it was not something nasty. It was a wake up call.
People Around Me
We humans are superbly adaptable. We make do with what we have to keep life as normal as possible. And that was what we did in 2021. It was a year where we continued to grapple with the COVID pandemic. The world over was still in various state of locked down. And in Singapore, safe management measures were constantly being adjusted in response to the infection rates/ emergence of the new Delta strain. Amidst this context, I was glad I kept up good time with my partner and my friends. We continued to meet in groups of 2s/ 5s/ 8s (depending on the guidelines) to catch up with one another. Visiting each others homes and heading to the supermarkets became a norm. I was also able to continue the routines of commemorating major festivals, anniversaries, and keeping in touch with my relatives. So, yeah... 2021 was as mundane as it could possibly be in this front.
2021 was like a bad dream and went by too quickly. I looked back and I seriously cannot recall too much about it except that I was totally burned out by the time it ended. I have never entertained thoughts about resigning as much as I did when 2021 ended and with my health taking a hit, the year ended with a deep resolve to give myself time off for my health and well-being in 2022.
