`i am a girl who wants to be god'

welcome liner of james' old phone
line keyed in by him many years back
had used it for the past year since he left
passed it back to him for his in-camp training
guess he forgot about passing it back to me
no point asking for it
belonged to him in the first place
just bought a replacement
had told him i need all the numbers in the phone
i have no other records
guess he has forgotten about it
he's self-centeredness as usual?
doesn't matter now
he'll probably ask - why don't you just ask...
never mind
not point wondering
3am
eyes still wide open

me & my bee bee

perhaps it was better than we had parted
i had been a stumbling block to his life
and he mine
i was a 7-year willing party
willing to be controlled
until i could not take it anymore
until i decided i need to do what's rite for me
to give myself a chance at life
one and half year later
floods of reflections
of pain
of disappointment
of hate
of love
of confusion
of anger
of happiness
of sadness
of pent up frustrations
i need to refocus on what's present
live the present
learn from the past
will not forget him
he has been, and will always be a part of me
my life
will bring him with me in my heart
till the day i die
like many of those who had crossed my path in life
who had taught me precious life's lessons
so had he
he had made me a more numb person today
yet, in this numbness i have started to love
in a different way
love's not the same
love's somewhat more jaded
more protected
fear of being hurt
move on
move on
move on
i have my bee bee now
i need to work on this new chapter
my bee bee loves me deeply
he has his imperfections
me too
but in these imperfections
let us find ourselves and chart our roads together
move on
forward march!
i pray for strength...

stupidity at its peak

found out many things over the past few days
surprised beyond words
never seen james so `out' before
not only did he post his pics in the net,
there is even a topless one
have wanted him to be a bit more open (out) during our relationship
no
taboo to him
cannot even walk near him in public
no body contacts
cannot even act intimate
fear of being seen by his friends and students
what will they say?
they have a gay teacher?
my friends tell me they see him flaunting himself in the streets these days
active too in the internet exchanging numbers and chatting ppl up
he's now changed?
he's now moved on?
he's a slut now?
he's different now?
watever, i feel so cheated of my time
six-and-a-half years
feel cheated of my feelings
my time
my efforts
my energy
everything
admitted a wrong and got charged in court for something he did years back
cannot afford to ruin his career
young man
psc scholar
promising
up and coming
out of love
stupid?
committed everything thing i have to him,
to the point of losing my own sense of self
what did i get?
whole load of bullshit
some reasons he gave -
i cannot communicate
he was not a sexual person
he needs to built his career
i am not at an intellectual level that is on par with him
perhaps, what he meant was i couldn't frame things the way he had framed it,
his literary perspective,
his points of view
my personal point of view,
that stemmed from my life experience,
and not from any literary angle,
did not count
no value
not logical from his perspective
he always tried to frame my words within his theoretical frame
where it fits, he accepted,
where it did not flow, perhaps he assumed i was stupid
he got angry
once he shouted at me - i don't think i can ever engage u in a literary discussion
he was always impatient with me
impatient for want of me to know and articulate things from his point of view
i cannot
and i won't
try to fit into his literary framework
that makes me me
where was i?
i did not impose on him to see things from my point of view
i did not impose on him to understand my expertise of work
i did not impose on him to appreciate my life's experiences
i have accommodated
i was conscious of our age gap and often he reminded me not to sound condescending
not that i have
i was showing my care & concern
by sharing my experiences
but left the decision to him
yet, i was branded condescending
i have loved
i have given my all
out of love
so deeply for him
so unselfishly
hoping that one day he will change
that he will open up
that he will understand me
that we can go club and bars to chill out
like a normal couple
stupid? naive?
perhaps it is cos he was just too occupied with himself
his work,
his friends,
his everything
when i was outed by my office, his first respond to me was i had implicated him
what about me!?
when i was down and out and needs to go to the hospital, he refused to apply for leave
meeting with his student took precedent
i never was his priority when it comes to work
my lowest point in my health, perhaps my life
he needed to talk to students
perhaps it was correct from his perspective
but was it fair for me?
was i ever treated as his partner?
i asked - what is the difference between a close friend and a partner?
he couldn't answer
our sex life - once in 2 months
over in 2 minutes
for him to cum
even then, i was not there
i was a machine, a tool
he was in his own fantasies
he and his korean and japanese fetish
normal?
to him, let's just get it done and over with
to solve my pent up anger
sex becomes a weapon to stop my complains
reflecting,
lots of pent up anger still
one of his friends have played a key role in widening our distance
dominic
i hate him!
very strong word
but i mean it
every word
hypocrite
self-centered agenda behind the viel of gay activist
hypocitical
he was always in the equation
when we discuss things
when we fight
when we have our meals
i was always compared with him
everything & everytime
not fair
for i am not him
my frustrations
i cannot say
i still love james so deeply
his untidiness
his messiness
his imperfections
watever
but i need to move on
i need to move on
all that he had made me,
perhaps he felt he was rite?
from his perspective
perhaps
but why couldn't he spare a thought for me?
from MY perspective
now that we have parted
why does he not at least apologize?
did he not even reflect on what he did to me?
not even now
it would have made me move on better
i am so confused
did not sleep thinking of him
my mind entertained thoughts of suicide again
no
irresponsible
coming to one and half year later
still, i love him so deeply
i am a stupid person
and i chose to be stupid
love?
stupidity at it's peak?
i don't know
i just know i love him
his imperfections
then again, i love him
i still do
deeply
for the rest of my life
i wish him happiness

broke up, but moved on?

been a while since i lasted posted.

many things have happened.

realised that i have broken up with james but may not have moved on.

the feelings are still there. still strong.